Some of our most difficult work is with clients who have suffered a traumatic experience . . .
. . . especially when they’re trapped in a cycle of self-blame, beating themselves up for what they perceive to be wrong thoughts, wrong decisions, and wrong relationships.
But according to Deborah Lee, DClinPsy, there are three critical insights we can share with clients to help them disrupt these painful patterns and begin to understand how a traumatized mind often makes traumatized choices.
Check out the video below for more – it’s just 2 minutes.
Those three insights that Deborah just shared can be powerful “light bulb” moments for traumatized clients.
Acquire more compassion-focused skills in Expert Strategies for Integrating Compassion-Based Approaches into Trauma Treatment.
Now, I’d like to hear from you. How have you used compassion-oriented interventions to help clients heal from trauma? Please share your experience in the comment section below.
so how does one come out of trauma
This particular subject has been of great interest to me since I began to become aware, in my late 20’s , of the trauma I experienced and how it has affected my choices.
Having been through many forms of healing and recovery since, this specifically is not an easy to pull apart dilemma.
Though it may not be a person fault per say, when they gravitate towards dangerous, but familiar situations and people, they will one hundred percent have to experience the results of those choices.
When a person is abused, neglected or harmed, it forever changes neurological pathways. There is now evidence that inner- womb consequences of a mother’s trauma is also passed through to the baby.
Becoming aware and then consciously working towards better spiritual, emotional and physical health is a journey than never is complete.
Much of my work has centered around finding Oneness with my Creator that transcends the unknowables. Knowing what is mine to take responsibility for, and what is not, is part of that sticky process.
Compassion for the unaware self, but also for the fact this world is full of trauma and suffering, due to the “ human condition “ (that there is not one of us not guilty in some respect of having done something, perhaps not dramatic or crossing a line into criminality, that has harmed another)
I recall my intense feelings, as a divorced single mom who had been in a relationship with a dangerous and criminally abusive person, who had harmed my children also, so confused and shell shocked trying to pick up the princes and move forward, but being paralyzed. I had taken a big step in getting away from the abuse, but was in such turmoil.
I had no resources at all to lean on- and I began the painful process of realizing that I never had a support network.
I turned to the welfare system to survive where I was yelled at and shamed for being in such a position. I was made to feel worse and viewed as an irresponsible and worthless person who was “ abusive” (in the fact I had allowed my children to be born to such a father.)
Although I believe in compassion guiding the healing path, my experience has also taught me that the practical world is not going to be. The world people have to make a living in and deal with, which is hard and unforgiving.
While self- compassion is important foundation for healing and thriving , It is unrealistic to not address the consequences of others actions creating deep seated trauma on a person’s practical experiences.
Employers, landlord’s and bill collectors do not show compassion nor understanding at the layers of trauma one has suffered, they just want their money.
For some reason, I was confused by this duality.
It’s taken me a long time to fuse these juxtaposed ideas- that I could cultivate compassion while also accepting responsibility for the consequences that were not my doing. That I had to deal for my choices whether or not they were “ my fault”
Whether it not we like it, we all have to deal with things not our fault. That is where forgiveness work plays a role in helping us to accept that compassion is not something we are likely to experience “ outside” but is an important building block inside.
Therapy should be a place to face both sides; that reality that a person deals with day by day that has no regard for the feelings of the individual, is a reality that must be faced, if they are going to recover.
That the world system of commerce is not a place where mental and emotional health is valued- in fact, the opposite is perpetually enforced- working long hours for little pay, and a mentality of replacement, is the norm.
While developing compassion for the self, and the choices made by that unconscious traumatized self can be helped by gentle self care- the reality that much of the world operates in the sickness of creating trauma also must be acknowledged.
Too often, clients are treated to heal in a bubble.
The facts of the darkness in our world, systems that support abuse, that we all must negotiate a relationship to, have to be confronted, we all must deal with and accept responsibility for things not our fault, but we can do so with compassion for ourselves, whether or not anyone else does.
Perhaps the concept of holding both compassion and responsibility in the same hand is not a challenge for others, but it was a stumbling block for me at one point in time.
If someone punches you in the mouth and knocks out your teeth, it may be not your fault, but you will viewed, like it or not, as a person who is bruised and has no teeth.
Unless you can sue them and actually receive compensation and have repair done, you can have compassion on yourself, but it is still up to you to fix what was done to you.
Unfair, much. The world we live in, yes. To not face that with clients, is to do a huge disservice to them, handicapping them in not being able to navigate the world we live in.
Thank- you so much to anyone who read this. I pray for wholeness, Divine Wisdom and strength to guide your way.
Shalom
Well stated.
Excellent comment.
Traumatised minds may not therefore be their fault if, inadvertently, and also under various stressors themselves, they acted in ways that were experienced by an another as traumatising. Also, what is meant by the word “trauma” – PTSD, or cumulative experiences which are adversive. What if the person who behaved in ways that the other experienced as adversive, but they themselves had consciously or unconsciously prompted it? Or were themselves being provoked by anothers abusive “actions” for want of a better word, Took time and explained to the person what happened and why, but this is neither understood or accepted? Or the other who set the whole adversive event or action in motion owns nothing about themselves which did so. This area can be complex. Finally, how many of those who become trauma therapists have experienced “trauma/s” – but just know the theory. Of which of course there seems to be many roads leading to Rome? Just food for thought.
I have an intimacy disorder born out of childhood sexual trauma from ahhh 4-8 by a brother four years older than I. He also implicated his twin brother and my other brother, who is three years older than I. Then he recanted the involvement of our other siblings. That developmental trauma, of which I still have no memory, has resulted in first unconscious re-enactment to a pattern in the past of anonymous sex to today me questioning if I am bisexual. Your videos are often very informative and affirming of my central goodness and that if my clients. I thank you!
Brought tears when I heard “it’s a human right. ”
Again when I heard her discuss “patterns” and “choices.”
Forty years of work to release guilt and shame, I still troll for any minute glimpse of forgiveness. Have treasured all your current classes on new brain research on trauma. It gives hope to recent victims. They won’t have to drag the “patterns” of trama in their brains for a lifetime. Thank you.
Wow, really wonderfully clear and logical insights!! Thank You!!
Thank you for your aha’s. I have worked decades to shift painful trauma patterns and restore choices for safety and self-acceptance. You clearly summed up the power of psychoeducational and process work. With appreciation.
I have followed NIABM emails for many years and have found them to be beneficial by way of offering insight and to further stimulate my curiosity. These 3 insights coincide with 3 truths/actions that I have discovered. My personal hope at 88 for the several months has been a break-through that wood realistically help me address my “cultural-induced trauma” At age 18 I chose to join the seminary knowing I would 8 years later take a vow of chastity and obedience. After 10 years serving as a Catholic priest I resigned. Of course carrying with me this heavy baggage through 40 years of marriage and also through12 years as a retired divorced male. I recently released this residue of “baggage of enslavement” by initiating an Exercise routine that I call: THE TRIPLE TRUTH Routine.
Always in a relaxed resting position, usually immediately before falling asleep I repeated multiple times: I AM HEALED – I AM WHOLE – I AM BEAUTIFUL. While reciting these 3 truth I lovingly held my genitals with both hands. I continued this routine for about 3 months and I am happy to say that I have found the truth and beauty of my breath, my body, my thoughts, my feelings and especially a new access to my intuition. These 3 truths are etched into my DNA now so the repetitive routine is no longer needed. At this time, this is all I wish to share because it has opened up a “field of clarity” that I need to process slowly. fjbready@yahoo.com 315-521-5873 text. I welcome observations, comments & questions
Thank you for sharing. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Totally agree, ‘choice’ is never as free as we like to believe..
I really like how you explained this. Simple for them to understand the reality that they are living now and how the past trauma has affected their reality. This way they can modify it to the current reality without the trauma distorting it.
this is so beautifuly put! looking forward to this particular lesson becoming core curriculum in high schools and colleges.
basic awareness of mental hygiene must become part of a basic education package. and the language around basic human rights must be put forward right now. this is urgent stuff.
Thank you for the explanation of abusive trauma as 1) a human rights violation 2) being caused by the unhealthy mind(s) of the abuser(s) and 3) a creator of attachment patterns in the brain of the abused. When a traumatized survivor stops blaming self for the abuse that happened, then there is more energy available to change imbedded patterns so healthier relationship choices are made.
Yes, yes.
I found this so simple and compassionate.
Lovely to share this understanding with clients
Good evening:
The comments I listened/watched this evening on your website were very much appreciated. Her comments touched me…..I always seek what was my responsibility for what happened. I am beginning to understand prior to viewing this post that I had used compassion/feeling sorry/trying to help. What I have realized is that what they were doing was manipulating me to use my compassion, etc. to help them. Both of my husbands did this to me.
My first husband was accepted to attend UConn’s Julian Roeder School of Behavioral Psychology. When he received his Masters degree, I received an honorary degree in Behavioral Psychology as my ex-husband received his masters degree. I was awarded the degree for helping writing and executing the research on shoplifting. During the 3 years we were married, he broke my nose twice; my left wrist/arm twice and the last night we were together choked me into unconsciousness. After he left for school the next morning, I packed all of my belongings (my parents had purchased all the furniture for us plus other items) that would fit in my Karman Ghia and moved in with a friend in Hartford Connecticut. We both worked for Connecticut Public Broadcasting.
It sounds like there was need for law enforcemet to be called the first time there was physical altercation. And there most likely was verbal and emtional altercation before that. It’s scary to think he is going to be alone in a room with clients.
This particular subject has been of great interest to me since I began to become aware, in my late 20’s , of the trauma I experienced and how it has affected my choices.
Having been through many forms of healing and recovery since, this specifically is not an easy to pull apart dilemma.
Though it may not be a person fault per say, when they gravitate towards dangerous, but familiar situations and people, they will one hundred percent have to experience the results of those choices.
When a person is abused, neglected or harmed, it forever changes neurological pathways. There is now evidence that inner- womb consequences of a mother’s trauma is also passed through to the baby.
Becoming aware and then consciously working towards better spiritual, emotional and physical health is a journey than never is complete.
Much of my work has centered around finding Oneness with my Creator that transcends the unknowables. Knowing what is mine to take responsibility for, and what is not, is part of that sticky process.
Compassion for the unaware self, but also for the fact this world is full of trauma and suffering, due to the “ human condition “ (that there is not one of us not guilty in some respect of having done something, perhaps not dramatic or crossing a line into criminality, that has harmed another)
I recall my intense feelings, as a divorced single mom who had been in a relationship with a dangerous and criminally abusive person, who had harmed my children also, so confused and shell shocked trying to pick up the princes and move forward, but being paralyzed. I had taken a big step in getting away from the abuse, but was in such turmoil.
I had no resources at all to lean on- and I began the painful process of realizing that I never had a support network.
I turned to the welfare system to survive where I was yelled at and shamed for being in such a position. I was made to feel worse and viewed as an irresponsible and worthless person who was “ abusive” (in the fact I had allowed my children to be born to such a father.)
Although I believe in compassion guiding the healing path, my experience has also taught me that the practical world is not going to be. The world people have to make a living in and deal with, which is hard and unforgiving.
While self- compassion is important foundation for healing and thriving , It is unrealistic to not address the consequences of others actions creating deep seated trauma on a person’s practical experiences.
Employers, landlord’s and bill collectors do not show compassion nor understanding at the layers of trauma one has suffered, they just want their money.
For some reason, I was confused by this duality.
It’s taken me a long time to fuse these juxtaposed ideas- that I could cultivate compassion while also accepting responsibility for the consequences that were not my doing. That I had to deal for my choices whether or not they were “ my fault”
Whether it not we like it, we all have to deal with things not our fault. That is where forgiveness work plays a role in helping us to accept that compassion is not something we are likely to experience “ outside” but is an important building block inside.
Therapy should be a place to face both sides; that reality that a person deals with day by day that has no regard for the feelings of the individual, is a reality that must be faced, if they are going to recover.
That the world system of commerce is not a place where mental and emotional health is valued- in fact, the opposite is perpetually enforced- working long hours for little pay, and a mentality of replacement, is the norm.
While developing compassion for the self, and the choices made by that unconscious traumatized self can be helped by gentle self care- the reality that much of the world operates in the sickness of creating trauma also must be acknowledged.
Too often, clients are treated to heal in a bubble.
The facts of the darkness in our world, systems that support abuse, that we all must negotiate a relationship to, have to be confronted, we all must deal with and accept responsibility for things not our fault, but we can do so with compassion for ourselves, whether or not anyone else does.
Perhaps the concept of holding both compassion and responsibility in the same hand is not a challenge for others, but it was a stumbling block for me at one point in time.
If someone punches you in the mouth and knocks out your teeth, it may be not your fault, but you will viewed, like it or not, as a person who is bruised and has no teeth.
Unless you can sue them and actually receive compensation and have repair done, you can have compassion on yourself, but it is still up to you to fix what was done to you.
Unfair, much. The world we live in, yes. To not face that with clients, is to do a huge disservice to them, handicapping them in not being able to navigate the world we live in.
Thank- you so much to anyone who read this. I pray for wholeness, Divine Wisdom and strength to guide your way.
Shalom
Yes, the quest to understand what happened and how it affects a traumatized person is critical, and to separate that need to understand from the compassion to explore the emotional responses to that trauma. Learning how to engage in therapy with dual awareness is critical – to respect the mind’s need to know, as well as respect the emotions’ need to express response to that trauma. Then of course, through bodywork, learning to respect the body’s response is different again. The body, in fact, stores both the memory of what happened, and body patterns (pain, muscle tightness, posture) that resulted. It is the key to being able to get to the roots of the trauma and learn to slowly release it. So respect and increasing skillfulness to work with these three levels of oursleves is key to recovery.
You are an amazing speaker, and these three points are so helpful to remember for ourselves and for compassionately treating our clients.
I love your work. I am not a clinician so I can’t use it directly. The treatment is certainly for people who want it. Thank you because through the free videos, I’ve understood, especially from Dr. Lee, why my son makes the choices he does to live in poverty, homeless and in danger from people who abuse him. He is intelligent, caring and generous to the other homeless. He is mirthful, funny, loved by many. I can see from his texts, he is deteriorating in body and mind. Past and current trauma won’t let him accept that he needs to resume treatment and he won’t ask for help. I would pay a clinician mightily, if he would pose as homeless, befriend him and treat him. Every homeless person has a mother, and I am one of them. My son is 39 and lives in Marin County. Yes we have many homeless here. All traumatized in some way that led them to this. Jacqueline
Yes all true…and very useful discussions to help reappraise such thoughts. Can be useful to understand repetition of younger imprinted part in respect of outdated defense mechanisms as well
Love the clarity of this explanation . Thank you .
Incredibly powerful insights to share with clients. Thank you Deborah
How can that apply to children?
It would be a safeguarding issue if client was a child and living with perpetrator/s
Hello,
I am a little concerned being a spouse of a husband that has gone through severe emotional trauma in 2020 due to covid 19 and being locked in a work compound in another country (third world) for 6.5 months instead of 4 weeks. Coming back to Australia he had to be isolated again in a unit with no access to the outside. He had the swab covid test and then text me two hours later saying that he didn’t know if he wanted the marriage. The information in this video can be deceiving as it is stated that the person is in wrong relationships etc. This terrifies me, as I am the spouse, and I am a behaviorist and he has had depressive symptoms way before I met him. I have worked with him for years and he has really come along until this happened. Now I am facing misplaced blame from him, due to questioning from a counsellor. Knowing he is in his limbic system, he had no thought process and is stuck in forward flight. His brain had grasped onto these distorted thoughts as though they were real, as all of you would know in this field. Now I am trying to clean up the mess so to speak. I need to say here that it is not necessarily the case that the traumatised person is in another WRONG relationship. I feel this is not entirely correct. I knew what I was getting myself into when I met him and married him. We had a strong, loving marriage before this “Straw broke the Camel’s back” incident happened. I wanted to put my two cents in as I do not agreed with this statement entirely for all relationships. I fear that spouses/partners of the person suffering will be out out to the side. It sounds like therapists will be working on how these people are in the wrong relationships! Just because they do have patterns and behaviours that they repeat, it does not mean they repeat them every time in the same area of their life. Thankyou
I guide patients into presence while teaching them that there are negative feelings arising so they may create a safer space or elbow room for other emotions. I guide them through contrasting these moments and ask them to notice them for discussion.
Hi I had been hugely involved with alternative medicine and used councillors skills, to assist a positive outcome. My life Changed dramatically two yrs ago giving me total realisation of my own miserable existence!! Very long story !!!
Over the last two years I have been connected to an amazing group of councillors who assist the Traumatised mind , I was the client . ( definitely more of a patient) in the last two years I was made to realise “ how each segment of my brain had reached this tremendous fear and emotion that I could no longer hide? legal authorities describe it as the most horrendous case . I’m still actively working on my journey of healing , very aware that my daughter is going through the same denial as I had lived with . She has been offered help but is still in denial . So sad as we are not yet able to break through that fear and belief that’s so destructive . Unable to reach her I’ve now started your course on D.V effects and traumatised brain how to regain positive memory etc in nervous and cellular system etc. Having a few problems still with the fear that still lies dormant when addressing the discussion on the video ,regarding possible client issues. Immediate reaction is brain fog , memory , shoulders, chest pain . It actually helps knowing that the situation was an extreme case . This made me realise how strong I must be ! I always pushed the abuse to one side . Life’s not so bad look at all the good stuff ?my view on life just pushed me deeper into the cycle of self sabotage. Grateful for what I had !!
I’m told by my absolutely amazing councillors
“You have such strength you have a achieved so much in the last two years.” I now realise what we accomplished ,
During this world Pandemic of covid 19.
I learnt a great deal regarding my behaviour patterns. Guilt fear . Etc etc but the memory embedded in my nervous system is the hardest to let go . Has it comes up so unexpected . I am now in my sixties. And realised I had been slowly programmed over so many years!!!!!
Positive mind for my exciting future free to choose. Last part of self healing to truly let go of the fear . ? J give thanks to all those in this field of healing . So much gratitude ? for all that is , especially my own awareness within this process of letting Go
Hi I had been hugely involved with alternative medicine and used councillors skills, to assist a positive outcome. My life Changed dramatically two yrs ago giving me total realisation of my own miserable existence!! Very long story !!!
Over the last two years I have been connected to an amazing group of councillors who assist the Traumatised mind , I was the client . ( definitely more of a patient) in the last two years I was made to realise “ how each segment of my brain had reached this tremendous fear and emotion that I could no longer hide? legal authorities describe it as the most horrendous case . I’m still actively working on my journey of healing , very aware that my daughter is going through the same denial as I had lived with . She has been offered help but is still in denial . So sad as we are not yet able to break through that fear and belief that’s so destructive . Unable to reach her I’ve now started your course on D.V effects and traumatised brain how to regain positive memory etc in nervous and cellular system etc. Having a few problems still with the fear that still lies dormant when addressing the discussion on the video ,regarding possible client issues. Immediate reaction is brain fog , memory , shoulders, chest pain . It actually helps knowing that the situation was an extreme case . This made me realise how strong I must be ! I always pushed the abuse to one side . Life’s not so bad look at all the good stuff ?my view on life just pushed me deeper into the cycle of self sabotage. Grateful for what I had !!
I’m told by my absolutely amazing councillors
“You have such strength you have a achieved so much in the last two years.” I now realise what we accomplished ,
During this world Pandemic of covid 19.
I learnt a great deal regarding my behaviour patterns. Guilt fear . Etc etc but the memory embedded in my nervous system is the hardest to let go . Has it comes up so unexpected . I am now in my sixties. And realised I had been slowly programmed over so many years!!!!!
Positive mind for my exciting future free to choose. Last part of self healing to truly let go of the fear . ? J give thanks to all those in this field of healing . So much gratitude ? for all that is , especially my own awareness within this process of letting Go
I would suggest the one with trauma to try tantric massage.
The main purpose of tantra massage is to heal your spiritual, sexual or childhood trauma and make harmony within the whole body. It helps to break the blockages (as the result of painful memory) in one’s body and to free from the traumatic past. You can read more about it her tantraoslo.no where professional therapists help with such issues.
Very helpful in the last statement that traumatized people make traumatized choices. Dawn
I have two thoughts about the compassion training. First, we were introduced to the “unholy trinity” of self-criticism, isolation, and rumination as the turning inward of fight, flight, or freeze. Then someone introduced “appease” to the 3Fs. Is there an inward aspect of appeasement also? I think it might be appeasing the inward critic which leads to fusion with its diatribe.
Second, Deborah Lee said that the clinician’s normal presentation of empathy coupled with a friendly face and prosody is generally off-putting to the client with deep shame. This was stated rather emphatically and authoritatively. Yet it does not match my experience at all. I do balance empathy with psychoeducation and normalizing, although not reflectively. But I’ve never seen a client with shame have a “yuck” reaction to my empathy.
My theory of appeasement turned inward would be narcissistic tendencies, but I am only a student, so I could be wrong.
Besides fight, flight, freeze, Pete Walker in referring to C-PTSD termed another defence strategy as the “fawn” response- trying to appease (people-please) the source of the threat which can lead to a pathological attachment to the abuser. This may lead to relationships with codependence, lack of boundaries and minimization of one’s own needs.
I can attest to a “yuck” reaction to empathy as a pwTrauma. How to articulate this? There are times that a certain way of empathizing makes me feel separate or different, as if the person, a therapist, is sorry for me that I suffered/am suffering but he/she is ‘normal’ and there is a distance created between us. It hooks into shame, I think, and leads to feelings of deserving the suffering. Something like: “I am ashamed of my difference which must have invited the abuse.” Then, there are times that empathy feels scary because positivity has been unpredictable in the trauma experience, whereas negativity is more clear. Thank you, all of you who help.
Yes, does it sound too desperate if I say i need a shoulder to cry on after the module 4? As how it ends, it is sadly so exactly how to “jumpstart the healing” process. I even told myself how could i not figured it out alone, and surely, i felt now how stupid i am. It is real challenge since I am in medical school to become gynecologist. I am doing my residency and struggle emotionally and stressfully. I am considering checking this out for more. thank you.
Wow…what a final ride! The last module is incredibly comprehensible. Thank-YOU!
I utilize the IFS Process
I love the portrayal of the brain being an organ that chooses pattern recognition over new safety. Those new patterns of safety need to be worn in….
These comments have been helpful. I am often cautious about psychoeducational input. Deborah helps make it clear that it IS helpful but HOW it is done is the key issue.
If only, psychodrama is more available to all for learning. It is just so rare to find it offered locally. It is indeed how it is done….
It is without a doubt that recognizing the tort and validating can help the client feel empowered and regain a control of .his.her life. Unfortunately, sometimes the help is absent when the client is bullied and the abuse is seemly nothing to the eye of the other. So, the concept of the whole brain and the part that is the share to take and keep makes quite sense. Thank you.
I’ve been so afraid of seeking counseling or therapy because my traumatic life needs professional caring gental healing do it made me think of just coping and hurting cuz that the only thing im used to . I thought it’s gonna take the rest of my life to heal … Due to how much trauma my life’s been. Thank you I look so forward for seeing the free videos. Thank you .
Thank your sharing your fear being in tterapy. trusing and openly tells what in your hear and mind can feel upseting. i have been off from therapy for awhile becuz i felt using my writing and pscyhodrama acting brings it all out and n fear being judge. Meditation is my next on the list to do
Very succinct and insightful synthesis of key concepts to support traumatized people.
Oh wow… very succinct but says so-o-o much. Thank you.
I ve found the truma has left my mind search ING and it’s been a lot of stuff over a lot of yes
I don t think it’s possible to be totally to blame .but you could be an enabler
I M trying to get councilling . I need a miracle to put me back again xx
Georgina,
Maybe the miracle is finding your way here to hear Deborah Lee’s message.
“Enablers” are people who enable us to stay trapped in our current fearful, even destructive, cycles of behaviour and thus to keep harming ourselves and others. Deborah’s message is NOT that of an “enabler”. It is that what happened to you when you were too young to protect yourself IS NOT YOUR FAULT (and your harmed child within you deserves and needs the tender care of your adult self rather than harsh internalised judgment).
It may be that it wasn’t your carers’ choice either if they were traumatised as children. However, the harm inflicted on you (and maybe them too) was a travesty against your human right to grow up without crippling fear and harm. That message is not the message of an “enabler”. It is a message that can help unlock the door allowing escape from a prison of horrors.
Yes, when we are harmed we enact harm on self and others. It isn’t right and we need to know that, we need to be truth tellers. But we also need to tell ourselves the truth that, if we could possibly do things better we would — and we will do better as we allow self-compassion and healing. We cannot and should not – in fact must not – bully ourselves to be better people
I can honestly say that it IS possible to walk free of that particular prison camp of the mind because I have done it when I thought it wasn’t possible. It will still take a lot of patient, healing gentleness to self and learning to experience moments in the now more and more over time – the sun glowing through blades of grass growing out of cracks in the concrete, the feel of a light breeze on your face, the sound of the dawn or evening chorus of birds in different places, the smell of flowers after rain…
I wish you peace and gentleness in your inner world, and the profound knowing that you deserve to have that.
xx Julie
I personally now my Mother saying to me as a young adult, when we made those bad decisions it was with the knowledge we had at that moment with the age we were, and n a distrust mind
Hi, my name is Pauleen,
I agree with what you has said about the choices a teauma mind makes,
Being trauma relationship, I myself lived it, I grew up on a farm, family of 10, neglected, verbally abused, and sexually abused, for about 8 years, not by one predictor but at least 3,.I married a man who raped me and had affers, he left me with 4 children, I remarried to a cheat and a user he is now dead, and it has been only over the past 6 years that I have begun to remember my child hood, it’s the triggers I find the hardest, as I look after my 3 granddaughter s and they set off a lot of triggers, it’s also whike in them, I feel like I am in no where land, with voices in my head and loud bussing along with headaches, I would love to set up a support group, but my knowledge is poor as is my reading, but for God being with me, I would not be here today to tell my story
Thank you
Pauleen
Pauleen, thank you for sharing. Please know you are NOT alone. I’m sure there are online support groups you can tap into. I’m not sure where you live, but it’s NEVER too late to find a good therapist and work through what’s already coming out on its own. It seems your brain is telling you it’s time to do the work. My husband is just now doing the work for the very first time and he’s 53 yo. He’s refused all these years because his childhood trauma (everything you mentioned) was so horrific he couldn’t even fathom facing the emotions left behind. Now he’s embraced the process by journaling, daily, and writing out all the intrusive memories that pop up, and he found a therapist with whom he’s been able to develop a healing rapport (that’s never happened before). It’s the #1 predictor of positive therapy outcome is a good rapport with your therapist, btw, so get one you like- super important! There’s a book that’s really helping him called Healing Developmental Trauma. It’s rather dry but filled with great information about how people who’s development was interrupted and impaired by constant trauma have survived, and how those survival techniques that no longer work can be changed for the better. Anyway, again, thank you for sharing such intimate details of your life, and good luck on your healing journey!
I’ve listened to this now 3 times and I feel that it is slowly sinking in. Thank you so much!
Very clear and helpful. Thank you.
very good and insightful
Excellent shared information exposed in a truly clear way.
Thank you so so much Deborah and Ruth!
The use of the phrase “human rights” was very important in moving me forward. I am familiar with statements like “a child has the right to safety”, “to be given what they need to live”, to not be treated like a small adult”, and any number of other things like this, but to use the term “human rights” and to then say, “It is illegal to do x or y to people”, was incredibly important. I had my own small “aha” moment.
Similarly important were the ways the other two insights were stated. Using “the mind” of the other rather than referring to the whole person was helpful because it allows one to remove it from the equation much more easily than removing the whole person. That made seeing the point, viz., the abused one is not to blame, much easier to see.
Finally, using the notion of a pattern-recognizing and pattern-making brain made the point clearer re behaviors abused persons do. “Traumatized brains make traumatized choices/patterns” is great shorthand. Thanks!!
In my spiritual search for growth and emotional awareness I read more on Gandhi life, he was never without a book and one that inspired him was “ A plea for vegetarian… Henry Salt. It was not the protection of animal welfare but the right to be recognised as for the same the black Africans, the common bond of humanity that unites us all in one universal brotherhood. In my own experience living in rual country town, I met for the first an Aboriginal ( Australia), famil, my age 11. Experience unpleasant coupled wth my Spanish Catholic heritage of dominance, I continued to not observe changes in society to rename them because of political correctness. I studied there differences with interest, however now with more compassion.
Yes I bring self compassion into the discussion and utilize a few practices from somatic to visualization to art.
Hello. I am not a Dr. I am in the beginning stage of therapy for CPTSD.
The information you share is very helpful to me and I thank you for providing your knowledge.
Lisa
Thank you Ruth for sharing such a powerful message, which is so relevant to me and which will help me heal and relax over my recent trauma.
Unfortunately I have missed a lot of the presentations through time issues.
The bits that I have seen have been very stimulating and interesting.
I may have to buy them!
Many thanks
Joanna
Absolutely brilliant. 3 and a half minutes that really helped. Thank you
I agree with you Laura. This came out so right and with helpful insights.