That’s why addressing early attachment wounds is often a key part of trauma therapy.
So in the video below, Frank Anderson, MD will walk us through a 3-step process to help clients let go of pain they’ve carried for years and begin to heal attachment wounds.
It’s all internal. I would say, “Hey, so Jane, what does that little girl want to share with you? What is she holding?” I don’t say, “What does she want you to know?” Because that pulls for cognitive. I say, “What thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations is she holding?” “She’s got a flutter in her stomach. She’s got a feeling of dread. She’s got a memory of being at a birthday party and being all alone with soiled underwear and nobody doing anything about it.” “What else is she holding? What else?” The part starts to say, “Somebody cares. Somebody’s interested. Somebody wants to hear my story.” There is a being with and witnessing, which is very important. What else? What else? What else? Anything else? No, she feels like finally, somebody is listening to her.
Then the second step in that process is a corrective experience. And the corrective experience is internal. Can you love her the way nobody else did? Can you give her what she needed and wanted and never got. She wants a hug. She did get what she wanted from me because I listened to her and I loved her. She wants me to show up every day and check in with her. Great. We’re wanting the second step, which is a corrective experience. The part shares, what it’s holding, feels heard, seen, and known. It gets what it didn’t get internally. And this is all happening in the mind, right? This is all happening in the imagination because we know the imagination is a powerful neuroplastic agent. We get a lot of neuroplasticity through imagination. And then the last piece, once the part inside feels seen, heard, and known, once there’s a corrective experience, then it’s able to let go of what it’s holding.
Because it says, “Oh, she gets it now. I don’t have to hold this anymore. I could release the burden.” And so then we have the part release what it’s carrying. It’s a transfer of energy. Release all the thoughts, the feelings, and the physical sensations out of their body because they no longer need to carry it anymore. They no longer need to hold this experience. It’s witnessed by the self and the self gave me what I needed and wanted and never got. And that’s where the release happens. And it really is physiologic. You’ll see people just, oh my God. She’s throwing it in the ocean. It’s floating up in the air. It’s really a physiological release and letting go of thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations that the part carries as a burden because of the younger experience.
When you get to the stage of release, the way that I prompt the release is “All right, Jane, does that little girl feel loved by you? Does she feel like you see her and get her in a way that nobody else did before?” “Yes. She’s so happy. She’s feeling so much better because there’s been this corrective experience.” “All right, let’s invite her to let go of anything that no longer belongs to her. Let’s invite her now to let go of what no longer serves her, what she no longer needs to carry. Let her release the thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations that she doesn’t need to carry anymore. And she can release them in any way she wants.” I don’t prompt in a direct way. What typically happens is it gets released in some form of nature. It’s a transfer of energy and this is why I say she’s throwing it in the fire.
It’s floating up into the air. It’s going into the ocean. And whatever way it gets released is really up to the imagination of the client. I’m in the canyon and I’m throwing it in down the waterfall. Okay, fine. People do whatever naturally comes to them and it is a release that is physiological. I don’t direct them so much. Sometimes I’ll say, “What do you mean?” Say, “Well, How does she want to let this stuff go?” One person, “Oh, throwing it in the lava into the core of the earth.” Okay, fine. It typically is a release into a form of nature, but it doesn’t have to be.
For expert strategies on working with the neurobiology of attachment, check out this course featuring Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Dan Siegel, MD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; and more.
Now we’d like to hear from you. Do you have clients who might benefit from this strategy? What other approaches have you found to be effective when working with attachment wounds? Let us know in the comments below.
As a counseling student:
Does this work if the client believes that he/she is “bad”/shameful? In other words, will this release from a specific incident work if the person has wounds/trauma that are deeper and more pervasive than that? I’m thinking of something like chronic emotional neglect or abuse or maybe from a preverbal stage of development.
As a person recovering from relational trauma:
As an alternative to a natural release, my adult self imagines handing it back to my perpetrator. “Oh, this isn’t mine. It belongs to you.”
Thank you, really in touch with wounds & a better way to help
Karen
Love it! I am talking with someone who has a severe trauma incident 27 year ago and was healing but something has shifted this year and it’s almost like she is starting over. I will try this with her and see if there is something there that’s not letting all the work integrate as expected.
What a wonderful, brief summary of the process. Thank you.
Excellent information! Thank You
I like his phrasing, being more precise and open at the same time.
This helps clarify what I am already doing with IFS and EMDR.
Powerful- thank you!
As a Trauma Survivor from a very young age, I personally witnessed & watched continual domestic violence and both physical and mental abuse daily for many years between my parents. I grew up thinking this was normal.
The story/narrative did become embedded in my system.
Your 3 Step Approach is the Key to unlock what the person is holding in their body.
Witnessing/Being With
Corrective Experience
Releasing & Transforming
All of these steps need/must happen in order for the person to truly HEAL.
I believe that after 3 years of trauma work I am finally entering the releasing/transformation step of all my hard work.
Thank You
I hope you are proud of yourself and your journey. I am cheering you on!
Thank you that was so helpful.
Thank you ~ very helpful, & timely.
Would it be a mischaracterization to see an element of self-healing that is not always present or emphasized in clinical settings?
Nope, you are spot on, Joel!
Beyond mere witnessing, what more might a client need in order to trust your capacity to understand and hold their telling of ‘the event’? Or is just letting them talk enough?
As this is just an extract and just a portion of the IFS process, what isn’t clear is that “witnessing” in this model means a warm, open-hearted, centred, non judgemental field of presence, aka Self energy, and both client and therapist are centred in this and watching for any tilting into other energies that would fix, rush in to mother, be detached, advise etc. It’s a real art. And the witnessing is primarily the client’s Self witnessing warmly the part holding the pain – that’s where the healing comes from and the trust is built. The How To around this is the IFS model and I can’t recommend it enough.
Well, from my perspective and training in psychoanalysis, I find it difficult to discern how this is dramatically different from psychoanalysis. Listening, mindfully, to the patient (feels listened to, seen, and known); development of a connection of both patient AND analyst to the inner child who remembers, holds onto, and brings forth all of the trauma-based feelings and memories into the present; and a fostering of a deep realization that the defenses that worked well in the past no longer function in the present and, rather, those defenses are creating obstacles/walls/disconnects between the patient-and-other and the patient-and his/her self. That is the nature of deep psychoanalytic healing. I so appreciate this effort and getting this work out there, no matter what it is called but I felt called to remind people this is and has been happening fully and successfully for a long time. (I took note that under “Profession” there is no listing for Psychoanalyst so I resorted to putting psychotherapist only.)
This looks like a wonderful course
This was extremely valuable for me. Currently working in a coaching situation that requires change and what a wonderful way to approach it. Thank you so much. Very helpful!
I love these short little tinctures of people’s approaches to healing.
Very helpful reminders.