Anger is a normal (and often necessary) emotion.
But when tempers flare and rage ensues, our clients’ relationships suffer, their stress levels skyrocket, and reactivity simply takes over.
So how can people shift out of anger once the fuse is lit?
In the video below, Marsha Linehan, PhD will share a practical skill to help clients defuse anger before it escalates beyond control.
Take a look – it’s about 2 ½ minutes.
Click here for full transcript
Marsha’s strategy is practical, it’s simple, and it’s something clients can use right away, in almost any situation where anger threatens to boil over.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What have you found to be effective in working with a client’s anger?
Please leave a comment below.
Thank you Ruth and Marsha. Amazing but I can see the power of that technique in accessing willingness immediately. Thanks for sharing.
First of all I will try it for mysef before I recommend it.
Thanks.
Very simple and straightforward.
Karen
Thank you for sharing this information……..dealing with anger, your own or someone else’s can often feel very scary.
In yoga, that would be an opened handed lotus pose!
Sometimes asking the person to share( with the counselor) what they would really like to say to the person they are angry at – is very cathartic. After this is expressed and spoken about the individual can get a new perspective on their attitude and behavior.
I would love to know why the posture of Willing Hands works! What does it change neurologically or in any other way that calms the anger?
Tamara, Dr. Amy Cuddy at Harvard does very accessible presentations about how our body language shapes our internal perceptions. 🙂 This research has been going on for decades; and you’ve probably used some of the techniques without even realizing it–changing your posture to give you confidence, or swinging your arms to raise your energy. Or noticed how trudging around in bedroom slippers with your eyes on the floor makes you feel even more sad and weary? Our mind takes cues from our body and obliges with biochemical changes to create what we’ve–consciously or unconsciously–chosen.
Love it! Thank you. Love your work. Thank you so much for sharing your personal story also. I’ve done the DBT course. It was so wonderful to be a student of DBT and then learn that the ‘DBT expert’ has seriously done all the work herself! Once I found that out, I was no longer wondering why your course was so effective. The best teachers always come from a deep inner knowing and experience.
Again, many thanks
Judith
This is intriguing but unclear. If a person is standing up and becoming angry they can’t put willing hands next to (or on??) their knees. Perhaps this was to just tweek interest in learning more but it was extremely unclear. I’m tweeked!
How profoundly simple and elegant. Thank you!
How profoundly and simply elegant. Thank you!
Mindful breathing exercise works pretty good. It usually works within three to five minutes.
The willing hands posture can be easily integrated to the breathing exercise or of course done by itself.
Thank you for this great tip.
I like this and look forward to trying it with clients (maybe myself as well). 😉
Also will teach it to my grandchildren. One is struggling with anger about bullying she experienced recently. Action was taken to protect her, but she is still feeling angry and other methods to discharge her anger haven’t helped. Hopefully this technique will give her something easy and effective to try.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Marsha and Ruth. Having short, “portable,” easy to do actions are wonderful additions to a person’s bucket of coping tools. Positive practice before events occur help to re-program responses for use when they are needed.
I have a very angry client coming to see me in a few days. I am going to teach him willing hands, if he identifies that anger is a problem. Thank you for sharing this wonderful skill!
I figured this out on my own with a twist. What I learned from my parents – getting angry and spanking for a violation I did not know I did – I learned did not work with my first born. I had learned self-hypnosis using a relaxation induction, so I decided to imagine my child (and saw an image of his head) just before I would loose my temper. As a result, what I noticed as soon as the felt sense of anger rising started I noticed my hands would start to make a fist, his face would appear in my mind’s eye and my hands instantly relaxed and the anger would miraculously drain away. I appreciate the naming of willing hands – also called open to receive.
This is so sweet. Thank you for your Willing Hands exercise. You are appreciated.
Elizabeth Agnese, M.A.
Hi Ruth,
Another provocative one! This corresponds to the Listening Posture taught in Wendy Palmer’s Conscious Embodiment work, the opposite of which is “hands up” which pretty much everyone does when they perceive that their image of themselves or their script for a situation is being questioned or overruled (from Evolution Access work which draws on Domestic Violence prevention concepts combined with somatic coaching and linguistic awareness as part of the intervention.) Anger as an excess of emotion is an interesting description. In the stroke recovery lexicon- excessive emotion such as anger is considered a biological phenomenon in that it actually is an excess of limbic system protective response to perceived threat and the subconscious autonomic nervous system’s set of protocol’s – adrenaline loading/aggression response activated.
So when we can ‘unwire’ the notion of our script being enforceable (which I see as a spiritual issue as much as anything- to make Divine Guidance/our human ability to tap into the Intelligence in the space the “boss” of every situation) from our threat response we can actually be free of being constantly triggered into that limbic response in the first place- which is way better for the body, immune function- everything! When we can recognize domination going on for what it is and make choices about how far we will comply with systems of domination that an also be a way to diffuse the trigger through empowering ourselves in the choices we do have – Jeanne D’Arc was willing to burn to not comply but most people are not.
i have years of practicing to intervene using this and many other somatic and spiritual interventions post TBI with serious rage issues as a result of multiple brain and assault traumas, and my view is that this is a lightweight intervention that may not work for limbically injured folks (trauma survivors) without them doing numerous repetitions to retrain their system in a safe situation, and some other understandings established about the nature of fear, domination and the limbic system. And, different things work for different systems so it is certainly worth a try.
My experience is that one needs to consciously wire in the alternative response under mild pressure so that when there is big pressure the system has already practiced/wired the alternative intervening response in.
I think the notion of “excessive” is also flawed- who says what is excessive? What people are asked to be calm about in this society is what is excessive in my view. And anger is separative- and there are situations that separating from is healthy to do!
I think it is beneficial to be able to break it down to the point of fulfilling our own docket of contribution on the planet and not be taken over by it, very empowering to be able to see it for what it really is- a threat response designed to save my life that i have the power and the practie level to stop, examine and intervene in. Calling it excessive without taking the gift of the information – including if the information is that my image feels threatened, or that I actually am in need of resetting boundaries in some way to take care of myself or my life or my dignity in a situation, misses the mark from my perspective. My questions are – Why do we maintain a society where people are constantly being dominated financially, through gender role domination, through access to basic human needs being denied and co-opted for profit, where we have winner take all and losers can just go be homeless refugees someplace else? How do we change that? Starting with being more free of our automatic threat responses is a terrific place to start I think. Thanks for the post!
Well said.
Julia — thank you for your comments. Excellent points. i agree about your point re: what is excessive and that often what we people are asked to accept is excessive and crosses healthy boundaries. And yes, if we can practice something like Willing Hands under milder pressures, we are better prepared to handle bigger pressures. I appreciate that you took the time to make these valuable additions to the content offered in the video.
I really like your comprehensive post!
I have a different take on the idea of anger. It’s coming up to say something is out of balance so rather than just shut it down too quickly, I would use EFT tapping to ask where is it holding, and what is the message?
I use a couple of yoga techniques that can be done very subtly in the midst of an event. A client with a 35 year history of addiction and a major criminal was able to master his anger successfully with these.
I also have them mindfully think of using the anger as a power to skillfully guide towards an needed outcome — and not to have it driving them towards destruction.
Also useful is Marshall Rosenthal (Non Violent Communication) book “The Surprising Purpose of Anger”
Fun interesting post . Yes anger is a great emotion.
And it’s good when you can acknowledge reduce it to a level where one can respond and instead of react … going to try this cool gesture. I love the open hands .
A healing.
I disagree with the person below who thinks anger is not a good emotion.
It seems important. Ignoring and not acknowledging the anger can produce more undesirable outcomes.
This is a cool strategy
What a wonderful tip – thank you. I normally do some psycho-education with clients re the different presentations of anger, and the difference between anger and rage. Then I get them to be very specific about the ‘what, why, when, with whom, and how’ of their anger in a ‘problem’ situation. Then we can explore different contained ways of releasing the anger (a ‘courtroom’ scene, empty chair dialogue, letter-writing, energy release methods etc)
Very interesting. I try to gain a space by breathing, but even that can be hard – and I can end up doing heavy breathing – not so helpful. I can’t wait to try this change of physical posture – just hope I remember in the moment. I will definitely offer it to others and see how it works for them too. Thank you for these great tools
Interesting and simple. Easy to do anywhere. Look forward to giving it a try. Thank you
The first step is really “dropping into your breath” and recognizing you are angry, the breath is a key in minimizing anger as it changes with anger and once you get control of your breath the anger subsides.
Great timing, it’s just what I needed, thank you for posting this!!!
I’ll try it
I’m a visual learner. I hope this is taken as input not insult.
Marsha, I found myself distracted by your collar being partially tucked in, the clutter in the background.
Perhaps sit where the camera is just on you, not the whole room?
Thank you for the time you took to teach us.
Always appreciated.
Cheers
Social psychologist Brad J. Bushman has investigated rage.
Diversion of the subject reduces the amount of anger.
Ruminating or boxing with a ball while thinking that that is the subject, cultivates the anger.
Thinking of or doing something or remembering a positive emotion (love, happiness, humor) that is not compatible with agression does melt the anger. Mindful breathing, more out than in,also. Think of something else. Read an interesting book. Listen to a music/song with slow time/measure and high tone/pitch.
Worth trying and teaching. Obviously willing hands do not allow for clenching fists….
Nice brief intervention and skill that people can integrate into their daily lives.
Cool! I will use this with clients who are willing to see anger as a problem.
Thank you!
Anger is not the problem. If you avoid the shadow parts: you will have worse results.
Processing the anger and using different techniques: acknowledging and some of he great suggestions will allow us to respond rather than react ..
Thank you! most helpful. I use 4/7 breathing or tapping. Understanding anger (first info diagram) is a must before you can expect a client to do something else than being angry.
Wow! I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I can hardly wait to feel angry so I can test the “Willing Hands” technique! Thank you.
I have found that some people need at times to express anger safely and don’t have a place to do it. Especially men. Anger enables me to get in touch with true power and can cut through the crap. Of course if it is constant and just acted out everywhere it is very dangerous. I have found that in the right space using big cardboard boxes and inviting someone to do to the boxes what was done to them can be very effective in this expression of anger. This is only part of the work though. Techniques like willing hands can help later when the need to express is less. Understanding and feeling the hurt and the request under the anger is also necessary. Thankyou for your work and dedication.
What kind of boxes and what is done to them? I was told to have a person save paper towel tubes. Use them to whack against hard surface like the edge of a dryer…so it makes NOISE and it disintigrates.
Charlie: I like the way you are trying to process and then use tools
Thank you
Many years ago I came across two ideas for reducing anger during road rage. At that time I did flash red hot anger when I was cut off in traffic and so I tried each of two ideas to stop that anger. They both worked like miracles! The first idea is to use a cartoon voice to talk about what just happened in traffic. In Elmer Fudd voice I would say out loud, “Crazy red truck just pulled right in front of me”. Doing that just totally ended the build up of anger. This book explained that the silly voice stopped at least one chemical needed to make anger. The other idea was to picture a small child waiting and crying outside a building. The very impolite driver who was doing some dangerous traffic move you picture as the parent running late to pick up that child. Somehow just imagining that fear and hurry of the pretend parent also cut the anger at the roots. I never again felt road rage using those two techniques.
Great, thank you, I will practice this myself.
Love that; U weren’t denying the anger : seems like you were redirecting / and channeling it Going to remember this one: it’s fun..
love the idea of a practice of willing hands; will use it at the mothers centre where I work
What I have found effective is inviting a client to imagine the felt sense of completing a fight response, and having them notice the felt sense of satisfaction and ease that occurs after. Basic SE!
This was a great video though. I will definitely try it. Thanks!
Very interesting. Thanks!
Really helpful, thank you.
It IS simple. It’s the posture of prayer, too. Thank you for sharing this.
This is simply awesome!! thank you
Why is it calk d Willing Hands?
I am not a practitioner, I am a person who’s wife has had dementia for 18 years, the last two of which have been in a memory care center. However, the suggestions coming through people like Marsha and Ruth are definitely helpful. Thank you, Dave.
Great idea!
I appreciate this suggestion for working with anger. Recently I sat with a wife whose husband becomes enraged at the smallest perceived verbal slight. I felt a sense of powerlessness to have any impact on the situation. I am going to try “willing hands” with him.
Neat and easy idea. Thanks!
Wonderful! I use tapping on whatever acupressure point is convenient. It’s amazing how terrific these strategies are!
Thank you! I use tapping on whatever acupressure point is convenient. It is amazing how well these strategies work!
Thanks for sharing! It’s very useful!
Excellent! Thanks.