If you’re exhausted, drained, tired of it all, outraged, or numb, it’s understandable. Give yourself space and time to breathe and grieve. Rest and restore. – Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD
Just over a year ago, our lives changed forever. When COVID hit and we were forced into lockdown, most of us were longing for the day when our lives would return to normal.
And here we are, with vaccines now becoming available and infection rates declining, it felt for a split second as though we might be on the cusp of returning to something approaching normalcy.
How easily we’d forgotten that our “old normal” included things like mass shootings. And now? Now it seems they’ve returned with a vengeance.
It’s almost as though we’re emerging from one wave of grief only to be hurled into a new one. Or, more accurately, into an old, painful, and seemingly unrelenting one.
What are we to do?
As I’ve gotten to know Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD through interviews for our programs, something I’ve come to truly admire about her work is that she emphasizes making space to grieve. As we read the news stories and think about senseless violence and unimaginable loss, so many feelings come up. Anger. Sadness. Even hatred.
But as Thema so often reminds her clients, underneath all of it is grief. And it’s so important that we take time to sit with our grief – to feel it deeply and let it teach us.
It’s understandable that many of us want to respond to these most recent tragedies, and quickly. At the same time, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by a sense of “what can I do?”
Not many of us possess the power or ability to put an end to the violence and evils that plague our world and rob family members of their beloved parents, spouses, partners, siblings, or children. But there is something we all can do.
Love.
Whether that love looks like holding your family more closely, knowing that life is fragile and short, or taking action to stem the tide of violence, we each have the capacity to love more deeply. We can love the lonely teenager next door who doesn’t have friends. We can love our friends who have suffered loss and who are triggered by recent events.
We can love by listening to someone on “the other side” of the issues that divide us, not with the intent of changing their minds, just with deep respect and humility about our “rightness” and their “wrongness.”
We can love by reaching out to support our Asian American and Pacific Islander friends, family, and neighbors who may be especially grieving after this past year of increased harassment and violent attacks, and now a mass shooting in which six of the people killed were women of Asian descent.
We can love by doing whatever is within our power and sphere of influence to create a more compassionate, peaceful world. We begin by loving our neighbors.
So, yes. Take time to grieve, to sit with it for as long as it takes. Allow grief to teach us its lessons.
And may our grief move us to action and greater love.
Now I’d like to hear from you. What are your thoughts about how we can foster greater compassion in our communities and in our world? Please leave a comment below.
For more resources for helping clients heal from a traumatic experience, check out this blog post.
Love is action and emotion. “We can love by doing whatever is within our power and sphere of influence to create a more compassionate, peaceful world. We begin by loving our neighbors.”
It’s interesting how many poets, philosophers, and therapists over the years have come to the same conclusion – that love is what will heal the world, if we allow it to.
Thank you for the encouraging words to help us all remember that LOVE is the greatest gift we can be to ourselves and the world. Love heals all wounds. So I try to be love. In the end love is all there is. Once I’ve come home from a long journey I am left with love. We can choose it just like anything else. At any moment, no different than choosing to turn on the radio and deciding to listen to up beat or peaceful tunes. We can choose to love. We can choose love. It is always there, it is everywhere and it always has been. As though it is a comforting cloud or warm sweater just waiting for us to reach out and comfort ourselves by putting around our shoulders and singing a song of hope and peace and Grace. Peace to all. Terri Hudson, ID
Thank you for sharing this it is good to be reminded of the healing that grieving gives. Each day I allow time for a good cry (one that comes with hearing something touching/wonderful) and a sad cry (that comes with the despair of the time and is grieving). I save time for this the way I save time for laughter and loving. This has served me well in other hard times and it is serving me well now.
Even though I’ve been retired for many years, I still love getting your emails, listening to some of the videos you provide, and now I am moved by your message of love. Thank you for caring so deeply and for doing such good work.
Natalie Nussbaum, Ph.D.
Psychologist
Hi Natalie. This is Libby jochnowitz. Call me at my same number. We are lining in Portland Oregon where I am practicing law. Same email
Hope we can at least start with empathy, compassion, and kindness if love seems out of reach. Many with adverse childhood experiences did not get enough love to know how that helped through life.
Appreciate acknowledging how society is only rolling back to the violence before the Covid. We need to unite to ask for hopeful understanding to return to a life without so much suffering. We still have the wonders of nature, the beauty of our world. That is where we can start to heal. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
How to foster greater compassion? Yes I agree it is essential. I find the distinction between empathy (required to generate compassion) and compassion important. Empathy (sensing the suffering of another with the whole person) without compassion for the Self leads to harm for the Self and potentially empathy fatigue (formerly referred to as compassion fatigue). So first, to increase compassion, start with the Self. I do not experience it as helpful to be told I am full of sin (absolutely and without choice flawed) and the only way out is to believe in a God who has allowed what we are describing our current world to become. The concept I am vile at birth and must rely on a white, male, omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent human figure for redemption recreates the violence we see so much of in the world. Most particularly, it reflects the violence, prejudice and misogyny presented by some law enforcement and most certainly by the racial supremecists. What I experience as helpful to foster and nurture compassion on both a large and personal scale is to authentically notice with curiosity, not judgement, the uniqueness of each individual and to respond to those who are not trying to harm me with kindness and patience.
Thank you for this post, not much to add I think because you’re right, Love is the answer
And yes the cultural bias to “get over” grief too quickly and the way we’re not equipped or prepared when facing it…..it’s something worth thinking and learning
Here (in Europe) there is a quote (in french) that states “pas de retour à l’a-normal” (in french we say “retour à la normale”) no return to abnormal is a hope for some of us, because yes, these times and grief, as you said, can teach its lessons if we can listen
Empathy & compassion matters. If we can practice it, the unconditional love will become a natural state of mind!
Dear Ruth and team,
I agree, there is a world upside down, it seems, and we all have to go with the changes, finding a “new normal”,at the same time, allowing grief to have its time and space, grief about old and new tragedies…and then also allowing deeper love and action to arise as well!
We do more in our community now than ever before, the little everyday things become very important, the help for the neighbour, and for families next door.
Being grateful for the possibilities.
So, yes, loving your neighbour is something I embrace.
As a Christian and dance psychotherapist I am growing in my faith and trust in God, because that is what I stand on, especially when our world as we know it, is changing so dramatically. And I want to be part of helping others to get through this traumatic period, as a therapist.
Thank you for your great work, I have joined some of your courses so far, and always learnt a lot.
Thank you for these words of wisdom. I love Dr. Thelma Bryant-Davis’ work as I’ve come to know it through various programs here. It’s good to have the reminder to grieve, and to love in a host of ways. I’ve been learning through various programs of late, that the grieving can be powerful when done in community.
Yes these are wise words and I appreciate them. However, their emphasis is on an individual and then an interpersonal response. This is not enough. When the immediate time of grieving is over, what is needed is social and political action. Therapy is one arena; political action is another. From outside the US (in my case, the UK), the US gun culture and systemic police racism look like cultural madness. (The UK has its own problems with racism, but thankfully not the culture of assault weapons on the street.) Channel your grief into change.
Carol, London
Carol – I think you are right – the US gun culture and systemic police racism IS cultural madness. However, as a not-very-well-adjusted philosopher, Nietzsche, put it – “Madness is rare in individuals – but in groups, parties, nations and ages it is the rule.” The civil rights song “We shall overcome some day” requires a generous understanding of “we” and of “some day” to be literally true in its highest aspirations. I am not saying “Give up” – but I am saying “Don’t count on things being different anytime soon.” Things are the way they are because of how they got that way.
Sitting with our own feelings — for as long as we need to — definitely gives us relief.
I am grateful for these sentiments. Sitting with grief, sadness is also sitting with love within. Yes, during these pandemic&violent times, most of us feel a sense of being helpless. To begin to love self and to understand may take time. Ultimately this love will radiate in different directions.Simple acts of caring , kind, love. No big words. Being and emanating love.
Shantnu Watt, Austria
Love this ❤️
The Serenity Prayer is the common name for an originally untitled prayer by the theologian Reinhold Niebuhr. The prayer has been adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs. The best known form asks for serenity, courage, and wisdom; the extended version is –
God, grant us the…
Serenity to accept things we cannot change,
Courage to change the things we can, and the
Wisdom to know the difference
Patience for the things that take time
Appreciation for all that we have, and
Tolerance for those with different struggles
Freedom to live beyond the limitations of our past ways, the
Ability to feel your love for us and our love for each other and the
Strength to get up and try again even when we feel it is hopeless.
David…! I cannot believe I never knew the was an original, longer version. This is absolutely fabulous. Thank you so much for this contribution! I’ll enjoy its wisdom the rest of my life. ♡
“He was wounded for our transgressions; bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and with His stripes we are healed. But He was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief, and we hid, as it were, our faces from Him.” Isaiah Chapter 53.
Today is Good Friday, April 2, 2021, and this is a season of grief and untold loss for all of humanity, in the midst of a pandemic of epic proportions. Our response to this global event is to weep with those who weep, and thereby demonstrate our compassion, empathy and understanding, rather than to despise the discomfort of being around grieving people. Grieving is critical during this dark night of the soul, and as we share the pain and loss of our human family, we will continue to heal from this trauma that afflicts the soul of humanity. I am doing my part and I encourage those who read this to do the same. Weeping may go on through the night, but joy comes in the morning.
Love and Light to Our Human Family
Maxine Johnston
Love and light. Happy Good Friday. Love always wins. I have been rereading “Man’s Search for Meaning ” by Viktor Frankle and reminded myself how important it is to have hope in times of uncertainty.
Thank you for the Bible verses you shared on this Good Friday, a day in which we remember a gruesome event, the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Two others were crucified that day as well, but only Jesus’ death was good, since it gave us the opportunity to be forgiven for our sins. We have all these atrocities in this world because of the sin within us–yes, some act it out more than others, but we all have a sin problem. It is the reason our systems are crooked, as systems are run by people. There is much to grieve about in this world, but what we must grieve about the most is our own sin and how it hurts God and the people around us. The good news is that Jesus Christ came to pay for out sins, so that we would not have to pay for them in the end and to transform us inwardly through the Holy Spirit so that we could love others the way He does and to give God the glory for changing us. He also promises us a perfect, everlasting home if we make Him Lord of our lives. This world is passing away, but we can have so much better awaiting us if we accept the message of Good Friday.
Thank you for sharing the wise and kind advice of Thema Bryant -Davis. And Thank you NICABM for distilling helpful knowledge to your readers ,as always .
When we stop to recognize and feel and rest ,we may be able to help ourselves feel the sadness and grief underneath the upheavals and losses we are experiencing . Thanks again ,
Lynne Zendel
Counsellor
Psychoeducational Consultant
Toronto ,Ontario
Canada
Agape love is healing for others and ourselves. We need more of it in this world.
As a RN with a Masters Degree in Psychology I totally agree. We are heading into a mental health crisis, and our work may well be more important than ever. I only wish, based on this accurate assessment, you would initiate sliding scale and scholarship opportunities for your courses. Otherwise, it really feels like you’re capitalizing on tragedy…
Many thanks for all you already give. But the occasional scholarship would be helpful – to help more of if help others.
Thank you for those so very true words, I totally agree with you. As a nurse still called on duty in spite of age 70 y. I can feel so much the weariness and exhaustion in especially my hospital staff colleagues. There is an erupting volcano in only 10 km. away from my home, thank God it is in the wilderness in a mountain valley 1 and half hours walk from the main road. Tens of thousand of people flock to the mountain to see and the rescue voluntaries from the local fishing town are battling to help and to maintain order, still people rush often ill prepared to see the spectacle. There would have been a lot of bad accidents if not for all those wonderful people who work day after day without a paycheck into their pocket. Thank you for all your wonderful work in teaching and helping countless people.
Ruth, I don’t have much to add except my deep appreciation of your words this morning. It is hard to keep absorbing so many events holding so much grief…sometimes it feels easier to stop feeling for a while. Thank you for reminding me to come back to sitting with sadness and…the power of love. Margaret
Beautifully said – we should sit with it and process it and focus on love not hate and allow ourselves to move through what we need to at this time and find sacred space for holding our hearts and touching the love within. But, we often need help to do this and that is why organizations like yours that offer tools are so important to our well-being