Worry, fear, anxiety. If we’re honest, they’re feelings that most of us would rather not experience. But right now, a lot of clients are finding them hard to avoid.
So what’s one strategy to help clients face these difficult emotions in a healthy and self-compassionate way?
Richard Schwartz, PhD, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), has one idea. You can hear it in the video below.
Are there any strategies that you have for working with anxiety that you feel might be particularly relevant and useful during this global crisis?
Dr. Schwartz: Yeah, so, this is a strange time – I’ve never experienced anything like it in my lifetime. We have in our community a term we call “tor-mentor”, which relates to people, generally, who trigger you, who torment you, but they also teach you what you need to heal. So, it’s “tor-mentor” with a hyphen between the “tor” and the “mentor”. This time now is tormenting us, partly because of the anxiety and the loneliness and it can be a teacher, in the sense that, it’ll bring up the parts of us that we need to heal. So, what I’m telling people and trying to do myself is actually notice what’s coming up. In terms of the anxiety, it’s usually these young, childlike parts of us that are stuck in scary places in the past, when our survival was threatened. So, we’re potentially facing, at least for some of us who are privileged, survival issues again. And it’s a guaranteed opportunity to go to those parts and listen to them and stay separate from them in what I call yourself, so you have compassion for those parts and hold them, as you might a child who’s scared, and you’ll find that actually can bring a lot of healing.
Dr. Vigil-Otero: Yeah, I think we get a lot of messages too, like, “Don’t be scared, don’t panic,” and I’m wondering if you have any thoughts about that, because people are scared. In some ways it’s invalidating, in some ways it’s not the most reassuring just to hear, “Don’t feel the way you feel.”
Dr. Schwartz: Yeah, exactly, and that’s pretty standard in the United States. This is a rugged, individualist country, and so whenever you’re scared or you’re really sad or you’re hurt, the message is, “Get over it, just move on, don’t look back,” all that stuff. That’s going to come across in a big way now. It simply means you wind up, what I call, “exiling” these very scared parts of you, if you succeed in doing that, and that’s really not good for them. They feel even more abandoned now, and scared. Then you get dominated by these protector parts that are trying to be strong all the time and become quite rigid, if you succeed. Otherwise, the fear just gets bigger and overpowers you, so it’s not a healthy message.
Dr. Vigil-Otero: Lastly, any helpful practices to hold our fear with compassion, other than pretending it’s not there?
Dr. Schwartz: As I said, in IFS, if I was working with you, I’d have you focus on the fear, find it in your body – a lot of people find it in their gut or their heart, and notice how you feel toward it. Again, if you’re imbued with the American burden of, “Get over it,” then you’re likely annoyed by it or you’re trying your best to not think about it or feel it. So I would ask those parts of you to relax inside, so you could open your heart to it. A lot of people at that point would see themselves as a child, and I would have you approach that child and ultimately hug and comfort it as you would if it was one of your kids, and that child was scared. You wouldn’t do that to your external kid, tell them, “Just shut up and get out of here.”
Dr. Vigil-Otero: By focusing on the part that’s afraid and asking the other parts to relax, a client can find a gentle way to manage their fears right in the moment. Additionally, this approach can help clients find a more compassionate, less judgmental perspective as they’re navigating these tricky emotions. That can be powerful for many of our clients in these trying times.
Now we’d love to hear from you. What do you find most useful in helping clients manage fears, especially during this global pandemic? Please let us know by leaving a comment below, and thanks for watching.
When clients are struggling with fear, especially during the global pandemic, what strategies have you found most helpful?
Please let us know by leaving a comment below.
If an IFS naive Dr following the exercises from Dr. Schwartz’s No Bad Parts (on audible) comes readily and accessing emotions and prana energy comes easily, how can that be used—maybe to benefit family or in helping primary care patients? Is that intuitive?
I liked the term Tor-mentor and yes recognising the fear and embracing it it’s a way to start the healing process. Thanks for this clip.
I am starting to learn about IFS and I was already subconsciously implementing this to myself years ago after traumas ….I feel it’s one of the cores of self compassion and looking forward to helping my therapy clients with this approach ….Tor-mentor …yes…it can be a teacher !
Tor-mentor – That is brilliant!
To view the current threats as potential teachers and challenges that can support us in growing when there is a compassionate relationship with the many “parts” – the ever changing states manifesting in our minds and bodies that often have been conditioned from our previous relationships with those who were in the role of caregiver
Thank you for these tips! I’ve utilized them today in sessions with success. Now I have clients forming online hobby groups, resuming a schedule, moving more, planning for responses to what ifs, and meditating more to strengthen staying in the moment effectively.
IHow do you approach the patient who has severe anxiety and it does not let her to be here and now?
Great question Maria!! I experience this with my clients with panic attacks & extreme fight, flight, freeze responses….how can we help them?
I have a few folks who say they get so turned upside down or fragmented
Cohesion of self so not there at time of overwhelm they can’t get clear enough to remember to breathe & be present in body, mind & spirit
I am relatively new to and really like IFS and have been using some of the concepts with clients. I like the idea of asking certain parts to relax in order to be able to comfort the scared child. I would add that we need to make sure that asking them to relax is not meant as a dismissal either and maybe give them some empathy and an explanation before moving to the step of comforting the inner child.
Somatic self soothing exercises have been most useful.
Practical things to do:
1. Watch news only once a day, preferably in the morning. Turn off the news flashes on your cellphone.
2. Have a schedule for the day with a regular bedtime, as well as a soothing bedtime ritual
3. Us meditation apps like Breethe or Calm
4. If you live in a place with lots of ambulances passing by or in a household with screaming, try noise cancellation headphones
5. Listen to calming music, put up photos or posters of serene places, look at photos of pleasurable times, read a good book
6. Exercise. Go outside whenever you can
7. Take time for self care/self compassion
8. Buy a cuddly stuffed animal or soft blanket to stroke or snuggle with
I agree that it’s very important that people minimize their intake of the news and media in general.
If someone is so flooded by anxiety that it is difficult to engage internal pasts in a conversation, it is often helpful to create an image or symbol of the anxiety and place that externalized symbol at a comfortable or safe distance. The subjective sense of vulnerability decreases enough to have a conversation with the part and to connect with it in a compassionate way.
I like the idea as described above be of parts and affecting the relationship with the feeling. Central to my approach is Teaching Understanding of the neuropsychology of fear and anxiety. Followed by the practice of calming the nervous system with diaphragm and ratio breathing.
Can can you say more about the neuropsychology of fear? Are you talking about the fight, flight, freeze response?…..I’m curious!
Meditation. Keeping clear-minded while relatively current. Make genuine contact with loved ones and people who are isolated with inner connectedness and an inner field of inclusion. Send photos or videos of my kiddos to bring the heart-melting freshness and anchor our deeper connection. Envision continuity. Work with communities and people to “Visually Map” the Situation and Scenarios to land those thoughts onto a visible referenceable iconic Mapped space, relieving minds of anxious hyper thinking. Be grounded, compassionate, loving presence. First with self, then with my kids, radiating out to friends, community, clients, and … here. 🙂
Apart from this … which is helpful…I use the idea of coming back into the present moment/present time [different cultural preferences for this] and then deciding where you want to go from the present moment.
Noticing how you are feeling in your body is a present moment/present time possibility. And a powerful one definitely.
Love the compassionate welcome to inner child. Meditation … and meditative space for settling. Direct contact with Nature. Breathing and self-observation with clear-minded value, while keeping informed. Apply a “Nervous System filter” to information sources; observe both as independent streams. Make genuine contact with loved ones and people who are isolated bringing the feeling of inner connectedness and inclusion. Send photos or videos of my kiddos for the heart-melting freshness and to anchor our deeper connection, beyond this challenging chapter. Envision continuity. “Visually Map” the Situation and Scenarios to land those thoughts onto a visible referenceable iconic Mapped space, relieving minds of anxious hyper thinking (virtually with individuals, and community). Get more rest. Give calm its time. Draw from my friendships and communities of practice, and inner practices to be grounded, compassionate, loving presence. First with self, then with my kids, radiating out to friends, community, clients, and … here. 🙂
I often meditate, and have tried ‘tonglen’ meditation in the past, where you inhale the world’s suffering and exhale peace and love. it hadn’t worked well for me because of my own abuse history and resisting inhaling the suffering. in these past few weeks, I FEEL the suffering, of family, health care colleagues, people around the world. I have found that to use the tonglen meditation with the emotions that are washing through me, and exhale peace, love, joy, wellbeing, deep breathing seems to help.
In addition to Dr Schwartz’s helpful approach, I encourage people to get outside and walk, focusing on the spring plants emerging, the sky, trees and other greenery; working in the garden is also quite helpful. Talking with friends about what we are grateful for and focusing on gratitude each am and eve. Exercising, on line options are abundant, from Qi Gong, yoga, and tai chi to chair exercises, and many other aerobic options.
I agree with Dr. Schwartz, do not practice ” just get over it” approaches as they tend to sensitize us further.
Thank you for this helpful reminder.
Great advice to work with these parts offering comfort and validation.
Prayer seems to help many! Acknowledging that we alone are not directors of the universe, but that God our Father is in ultimate control and loves us.
I remember a client many years ago who had just lost the family farm the same week that his grandson committed suicide. He told me that when he lied down to sleep at night he told God that he had wrestled with these issues all day and now he was giving it over to God for the night to get some sleep. I learned some valuable coping skills from him!
Thank you
I like the idea of holding your fear and almost comforting it as you would a frightened child.
For a person of faith would this equate with being open to a loving parental deity holding you as you as you acknowledge the anxiety and fear?
Love this, about holding the frightened scared child & likening that to placing our fears & worries in the hands of a benevolent & loving God
I’m going to be doing things that give hope for a simple, beautiful near future. Such as planting seeds in the garden. This is a small easy babystep along the way. We can watch the progress day by day. This helps to pass the time with a productive relaxing activity. It provides natural day light to boost our spirits and gives us a breath of much needed fresh air and exercise. Not to mention store free healthy produce, lowering our risk of community acquired C-19
Neat stuff! Makes a lot of sense to “compassionately embrace ” the abandoned/terrified/ anxious /hurt child in us as opposed to drowning her/him in alcohol.
William Aguiar
I was already dealing with an anxiety disorder before this pandemic. So now I allow myself to feel what I feel. Seek outside support if needed (via internet) & allow myself to do all the crying I need to do. Its a release & you feel better after. Dont deny your feelings. I take this as an opportunity to self care more.
Micki
During this time I’ve had feelings of great sadness, of crying easily, and missing my mother who passed 7 years ago. After connecting to this part, I realized it was a legacy burden from the death of my maternal grandfather from the 1918 flu, triggered by many comparisons and references to it in the news. My mother never met her father, he died when my grandmother was 4 months pregnant with her. My great grandmother was a midwife who took care of him and many others during the pandemic. My mother was finally able to grieve her father’s death and his absence in her life during a guided meditation by John Bradshaw as seen on television. I’m staying connected with this part and my ancestors with much appreciation for IFS.
Clients are finding helpful to notice the sensation, but also orienting themselves where they are at the moment when they are feeling anxious. Sense of control shows after orienting themself in the experience. Most of them told me gaining a sense of control, feeling grounded and hopeful. Thanks Dr. Schwartz and NICABM.
Clients are finding helpful to notice the sensation, but also orienting themselves where they are at the moment when they are feeling anxious. Sense of control shows after orienting themself in the experience. Most of them told me gaining a sense of control, feeling grounded and hopeful. Thanks Dr. Schwartz and NICABM.
I’m encouraging my SMI clients to do all they can to stay healthy (strict hygiene, good nutrition, fresh air, etc to make their immune systems strong) so they feel less like “sitting ducks.” And I’m encouraging them to “use this time” for self reflection and self growth/improvement and focusing on self care and their goals. Most are doing quite well, so far… some better than usual, as though they’re “rising to the challenge.”
Smart advice on addressing the situation/s where fear is involved & if old repressed/suppressed feelings are at the root of the fear. Get the best help you can, if needed, & address the situations where you had to push down the feelings that were too overwhelming to feel/deal with at the time. If you are not familiar with “tapping” (EFT), that can be helpful as well & prayer is always helpful to work thru difficult situations. Be well & stay safe during this virus situation.
I’ve experienced IFS therapy for past trauma and abuse and am so thankful to have these skills to lean into during these times!
Dr. Schwartz, thank you!
It’s so true that this certainly is a time for us to meet our tormentors and let them mentor us back to safety and health.
Two excellent resources for this would be “You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For,” by Dr. Schwartz and “Boundaries for your Soul,” by Alison Cook and Kimberly Miller.
As a recovering person with bi -polar disorder/depression allowing feelings to arise is very frightening. It seems as if I will go into the “ pit” where I cannot escape. Overcoming the fear of this dreaded state is a lifelong pursuit!
I believe both are true. There is a balance between experiencing the feelings of fear, noticing sensations, and then using tools to question the thoughts that are causing the fear. In my experience, once the fears are felt, and the thoughts are questioned, gratitude can naturally arise. Also, in my experience, it takes reflective time and repetition.
I have encouraged my clients to process any and all feelings they have about the pandemic. I often preface that by saying that often times when people start to talk about their fear, they are shut down by messages like “don’t panic”, “don’t overreact”, “get a hold of yourself”. I reassure them that they are in a safe place to be heard and will not be invalidated.
Thank you for this video, it is most helpful!
I would say stop trying to “manage” the fears. Our common language about this is actually quite judgmental – to call some emotions something to “be managed”. True neutral witnessing – allowing, will validate the feeling and allow it to begin to dissipate on its own. I agree with everything shared in the video, and just take it even further into what might seem like extreme non-judgment. When we allow the child-self to welcome and feel and express and experience what it wants, we can allow for far greater healing.
I have found the IFS approach invaluable in helping clients manage all their emotions and find compassion and understanding towards themselves.
Thank you so much, Ruth and Dr. Schwarz. I’ve just sent Ruth what I believe will be an important email response to the video clip. Please let me know it finds its way to you both.
Karen Voght, Founder, Wellness, Inc.
I have found using the IFS model with individuals and couples whose actual families are staying under the same roof in self-quarantine at home (the original encoding environment) to be helpful in identifying and clarifying the roles (parts) individuals have learned to play for “survival” in the family of origin system. This has proved to be revelatory and healing for both the individuals and the family. Additionally, teletherapy actually brings me even more into their system than therapy in my office.
To investigate a trailhead, I have sometimes found it useful to see my mind as a runaway train. You may find that initially once you draw your train and carriages that some of your child-like character traits need to contribute their thoughts. Perhaps you have a Recalcitrant part that is still angry about a row you had quite some time ago. Perhaps you have an Inadequate part which has always made you doubt your abilities. Then attend to what your wiser parts can tell you. A hill can represent either your intelligent Adult part or your Caring Parent Part. A house can represent your Unseen Organiser- the part of you that copes with traffic jams, a cliff can represent the resilient part- if this part wants to contribute. An ocean can represent the part of you that feels awe- sensing the timelessness of things. A passenger ship can represent the careful part of you- the part that wants to move forward without foolish rushing. A battleship represents your no- nonsense approach. It focuses on being decisive- and unwilling to be budged by foolishness. The empathic part, looks for possible insights into how another person may have been affected by things. spiritual, mindful, or contemplative parts can be added as clouds or scenery.
I believe having some control over your body can transfer to inner state: this could be through meditation, yoga postures, breathwork, chanting, chakra clearing – whatever clients feel comfortable with. I am starting to use (more regularly) some of Amy Weintraub’s techniques with clients, such as “breath of joy.” I like this one because it combine breath and movement. I also use self-compassion – tricky for a lot of clients…Thank you for sharing!!!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Peace love and light Karen
As an SER practitioner, guiding clients through the dialoguing process, I have found that old traumas trapped in the body respond positively to acknowledgment, love and self-love. Having a voice at the table versus being suppressed. The traumas at the outer most layer’s may be very recent, others years old or some even decades old depending on the age of the client and how much experience they’ve had with trauma release. The peeling of the onion. I have been very blessed to bear witness to the transitions that occur. Peace K.-
You have an opportunity to be curious, Shantnu, about what triggered this response for you. What feelings came up when you watched? What part of you felt compelled to write your comment? I found the woman to be professional and sincere. Your words surprised me and even upset me a little as being unkind and unhelpful, and I will be curious about why it affected me enough to respond.
I am responding to your curiosity. I am often curious about my responses to self-help people. They are after all trying to help, yet I find myself critical. Curious? 🙂
Thank you for the reminder of the inner child. Acceptance is huge in dealing with fear.
Well said. Totally agree. Thanks
Often a biological response to attack, a life event that would inferentially produce trauma, is to disassociate. This disassociation allows the victim to objectify the trauma. Even as the attack or abuse is happening, the victim often describes an out of body experience, where the attack or abuse is happening to them, but they are mere observers. If attacks or abuse is chronic, as in repeated throughout childhood, young adulthood or adulthood, this disassociation fragments the personality, and clinical mental illness can develop. The interesting thing is the advice for a shared stressor such as a pandemic, in an anxious or fearful client, is to practice disassociation. Comfort the child part of yourself, while allowing the adult to continue being the adult, but a less fearful adult emerges, relaxed and calm, as the inner child is comforted. The stressor is still there and all the reasons to be afraid and anxious. In my world, action is the key to overcoming fear, and knowledge is the key to overcoming anxiety. When I proactively take care of my immune system, adjusting my diet and lifestyle to the current pandemic challenge, I have done all I can, and then can let go and let God, knowing that I have behaved responsibly. When I gather information and calculate real risk and postulate the possible outcomes, I am forced to adjust my plans to the conditions, rather than becoming stuck in a place of learned helplessness. I can see the coming financial challenges, so I immediately begin working on shifting my income from an on-site earner to a remote earner. Again, I have done what I can, I have made my best effort, therefore, my anxiety level is decreased because I have not only gathered information, I have also responded to that information with positive change, increasing my self-esteem. A child is helpless in many ways, and does need and want comfort, but to offer a security blanket while telling oneself to relax is the best our psychologists have to offer, then I think time and money would be better spent learning to leverage technology.
Thanks for that, what i have found helpful is getting clients to look at the group of things that they can do something about and the group of things that they can;t do anything about and then to try to focus on the changeable ones as it is a waste of time looking at things you can do nothing about.
Also giving less attention to things that make you worry, like cutting down news time etc
Listen carefully and deep down breathing before given any advice.
I’ve had health scares too and hospitalisations for myself and my child and bereavements. My main fear is loss. I manage by staying in the present moment where everyone is currently ok using mindfulness techniques and using our senses. I also think about how fear often focuses on the shock part of the grief curve when it actually does get easier to bear with time and I know that I will cope no matter what feeling is evoked because we do cope with loss. Suffering creates growth in us and resilience and I accept it as part of life’s experience and no less worthy an experience than any other. I don’t feel guilty as to me we need to feel anxiety and fear sometimes to make the necessary actions to keep us safe. Sometimes hyper vigilance is required. Gratitude also seems to take me out of fear into a more hopeful place. I am grateful for not suffering now and to make the most of this time and what it brings in positive ways and will manage the suffering if and when I have to.
Useful to incorporate this into hypnotherapy for my clients. Thanks.
Thank you…because as a child needing to be left in the hospital for A week for really painful medical procedures my fear of hospitals and abandonment is huge .. so now when those feelings come up I touch and tell my child or injured body part . I know I know I’m so sorry I will stay stay with you I will never leave you …with my own children especially when they were under the age of two if they had to be hospitalized I found my mother bear insistance that’s that child needed me with them could often overcome the most stringent hospital rules. I tell adults and myself have a medical advocate there with you when you come out of surgery .if no family member or friend is available and you can afford it hire a nurse . I find the spiritual quotes from Isaiah and Jeremiah comforting in this time of isolation And loneliness … in case I can’t copy paste them here the ones that begin “ can A mother forget her nursing child …see I have inscribed you in the palms of my hand …and “ for I know the plans I have For you ..plans to Give you hope and a future. God bless us
Hi Danna,
Thankyou for your post. Personally, I’ve found Jeremiah 17 to be life-changing and comforting when I was going through serious illness. Trust in God, not yourself or your own resources and he will make your life like a mature tree, strong and steadfast even in drought. Trying to put this into practice has changed my life. I seek help when I need it instead of trying to go it alone. I have the confidence that God understands and is there beside me which is a big help to avoid reacting to certain people and situations. God wants us to be our ‘biggest’ selves- wise, compassionate (including to ourselves) and self sacrificial. There is much joy in living this way. Often times of hardship are given in order that we may understand and be able to comfort others. When you see a bigger picture and plan at work in your life, it is encouraging. I hope you are well. God bless
Those scriptures (and others) are so comforting for me and my clients!! Blessings to all…
A very inspirational video with good practical strategies thank you