One major challenge of working with resentment . . .
. . . is that the more we try to confront it directly with a client, the stronger it can become.
So in the video below, Terry Real, MSW, LICSW walks us through an intervention that can help clients “shelve” their resentment until they’re resourced with skills to work through it.
Have a look.
“Now when you and your partner are strong enough, if you want to take those bags down, I’ll set up an empty chair. I’ll get your partner out of harm’s way. We’ll take them down bag by bag and you’re going to empty it all. You can spew for the whole time we’re together and get it all out of your system. If you need several sessions, we’ll do several. But as a couple right now, you’re not strong enough to take that. It’s too much weight for the bridge. You’re not close enough. You’re not skilled enough to handle the toxicity of your resentment right now, so I want you to postpone it. Would you be willing to do that while we do our work?” Everybody says, “Yes.” Everybody says, “Yes.”
Then I do the therapy minus the resentment. And we do just fine. And I’m waiting for them to say, “Oh, by the way, Terry, we’d like to take those garbage bags down and deal with them.” I’ve been doing this for 30 years. No one has ever asked for that session in 30 years. If they wanted to, I’d be happy to give it to them. But once it’s working, once the therapy is working and they’re getting connected and they’re feeling more powerful and more skilled and more competent and more loving, their resentment… “Well yeah, I remember that. But it’s okay. I’m still resentful, but we don’t have to do it. Let’s move on.”
“
If you found this video helpful and would like to hear more from Terry and other top experts (like Pat Ogden, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Stephen Porges, PhD; Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD; and more) about working with deep-seated resentment, click here.
Now we’d like to hear from you. How do you work with resentment and clients who hold tight grudges? Let us know by leaving a comment below.
If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:
Why Resentment Can Be an Important Step in Healing from Trauma
A bit of a joke: I feel resentment when anyone, instructs me, “This is what I want you to do.” Whether a cooking instructor, Dr. Oz, or this therapist, what is it to them to make me do Their Will? The information is valued but spare me the control freak who says, “Do this because I want you to do it.” No, I do not think it is just a manner of expressing oneself to interject their superiority onto me. “Now I Want you to do this.” What’s it to you to impose a directive making yourself the educational cop? HaHa!
I am grateful for Terry’s extraordinary ability to identify issues and give us strategies to deal with them, like resentment. Thanks Terry!
It’s SUCH a good idea (can’t wait to get started).
It’s dawning on me how I’ve been hiding behind this resentment for decades.
My niece is ace but my brother less so
Been wondering how or whether to approach his hurt?
I choose to assume he has some.
(Use all or some of the following as appropriate.)
Explain that maintaining resentment steals energy from today. Cuts us off from ourselves.
Identify the protective function of resentment.
Identify the pain/wound hidden under resentment and do therapy on it. (Helplessness, vulnerability, humiliation, etc.)
Teach how to communicate about ongoing hurt/pain/ criticism in an “I” message. ( Strategy: I say what I need to say, so I can release my resentment and forget.)
Teach how to protect in the here & now with appropriate boundaries.
Identify if resentment is based on unrealistic expectations, esp. perfectionism.
Writing a “dump” letter, say everything that need to be said uncensored and read it to the therapist. Burn/destroy the letter, then take appropriate action if needed.
For severe wounding, if client believes in a Higher Power, teach the “turn it over” gesture to relinquish the pain (“Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. I will repay.”)
Use Emotional Freedom Technique and/or EMDR to release and clear.
Excellent@
My green trash bag is letters – writing all my ‘resentment’ : knowledge, hurt, concerns, caution, reprimands, disappointments which are not being listened to or painful to divulge in letters to each of the individuals concerned. These letters may be edited but I have no intention of dispatching any of the letters in my lifetime. Mainly because I want to protect my son as I fear that he may be hurt or broken by any of the information which he may be unaware of. These letters may be delivered with my will to all concerned when I move on.
Why would you want your son to read the letters when you “move on” since he would not be able to have a discussion with you! Could that hurt him more knowing you would or could not have the conversation in person? Just another point of view!
Does Terry do an online video event separately ?