For many clients, expressing anger can feel overwhelming, shameful, or even downright scary.
Problem is (and as I know you know), when a client takes great pains to avoid anger, it often just leads to bigger problems.
So how might we resource clients with skills that can help them respond to and manage their anger more productively?
Well, have a look at the video below – Ron Siegel, PsyD, walks through four key steps to get you started.
Click here for full transcript
So, I think there’s always a balance here where we’re always balancing between, on the one hand, really letting ourselves feel the anger and letting the anger be a doorway to open to the hurt and the fear that might be underneath the anger. As well as, not getting stuck in it, as well as, at a certain point, being able to release it. And it’s a complex clinical judgment, I think, as to what’s going to be most helpful, and I think we can engage our client in that judgment. I think we can say to them, if we’re sort of on the fence, to say to them, “Well, we understand that there’s a need to both feel these feelings and also, at a certain point, to be able to let go so that you can live your life more fully. Where do you feel you are in that process?” And they may well be able to opine about that. They may have a good sense of it.
So, let’s say we come to the conclusion, which we probably will in working with our client, that there are costs to holding onto this anger. So, what might we do about it? Well, one way to start is through mindfulness practice. It just happens to be a a way that I work a lot. And this can start by moving out of kind of narrative into experiential reality, and narrative reality is when we’re walking around and talking to ourselves about ourselves all day long and thinking about how bad that person was and how good I was and the like. To shift out of that into what we might call experiential reality, which is simply the moment to moment sensations of being embodied in this body, of noticing the breeze, of noticing the trees, noticing the sky, and the like.
And when we start to do this, we start to develop some metacognitive awareness. We start to notice that every time there’s an angry thought, there’s this angry arousal. Whenever there’s the angry arousal, then we have more angry thoughts, and we start to see how the anger perpetuates itself in these kinds of loops. And we can also use our mindfulness practice, or just general awareness, to become aware of the hurt or fear underneath. Because whenever we’re angry, it’s because somewhere underneath we’re hurt and/or we’re frightened, and the anger is in the fight or flight responses to defend against that in some way. And we want to use our practice to be able to move toward that vulnerable emotion, to be able to welcome it, to be able to be self-compassionate about it, to be able to soften into it. Because if we’re not able to be with the hurt or the fear that’s under the anger, we’re going to have to hold onto the anger. We’re going to have to hold on to it as protection against that hurt or fear.
And the second piece, I think, which is really important in working with this, once we’ve realized that there’s a cost to the anger, is to really start to see the perpetrator more clearly. I think Longfellow said that, “If we were to know the secret history of our enemies, there would be more than enough in each story to disarm us from our anger.” I’m misquoting him, but that’s it in paraphrase. And many, many people have pointed this out throughout history, that if we got it, the reason why other people do what they do, it’s always out of their own hurt. It’s always out of their own history. Ultimately, this comes down to the analysis that says, “If we had the other person, the perpetrator’s, exact genetics and their exact learning history, we’d be them, and of course we would do what they did.” It makes perfect sense. So, the fantasy that they’re bad and we’re good, it’s really based on this idea that somehow we wouldn’t do what they did if we had been through their history, and of course we would.
So, that then brings us to the next step, which is deciding to forgive, and I think there’s a lot of confusion around forgiveness. Oftentimes, people resist this because they think that forgiving means condoning or justifying what the other person did, and that’s not necessarily part of forgiving at all. We can decide what the person did was terribly unjust, and even the person should be punished for it, but it’s still different from holding onto the anger. And we can do the forgiving just for ourselves. It doesn’t mean we need to reconcile with the person that’s hurt us in some way. We can just realize, “I don’t want to be setting myself on fire anymore. I want to practice forgiveness in order to free myself from this.” So, we choose to not suppress the anger, also, this is another part of it. We need to let it come and go.
And then, perhaps if possible, also turn our attention to gratitude. And the gratitude part includes gratitude for the other things in our lives that are okay, that are maybe going better, but even perhaps gratitude for what may be we’ve learned from this experience, because as a friend of mine put it, “I know many people who have been ruined by success. Not that many who’ve been ruined by failure.” The bad things that happen are almost always lessons for us. We almost always get something out of it. The idea of posttraumatic growth comes to mind. And we can be grateful for whatever we’ve learned through this experience, as well.
And then, finally, I’d say that there are some cases where we do want to reconcile, some cases where we think, “You know, this relationship might be salvageable. There’s something valuable to being connected to this person.” And then, we want to move toward reconnecting, but if we’re going to reconnect, we can only do it if it’s potentially fruitful, right? We think there’s something valuable to the relationship. And also, we’re probably going to need some kind of apology, right? Something that where we feel acknowledged by the other person that they get it that we were injured here. And part of that work involves working therapeutically with our client to figure out what do they need? Do they need to feel understood? Do they need to feel recognized? Do they need an admission of wrongdoing or guilt or something like that? And then, perhaps helping them to ask for it. So, there’s a lot of different elements that are involved, I think, in being able to help somebody move on.
For more strategies that can help you work with clients who struggle with anger, please check out this short, focused course. In it, you’ll hear from top experts including Marsha Linehan, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Steven Hayes, PhD; Bessel van der Kolk, MD; and more.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What have you found most useful for helping clients work through anger? Please let us know in the comments below.
The suggestion to “be grateful” for our abuse experience is toxic trauma bypassing. Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) emphasizes the importance of integrating and regulating emotional responses through safe, supportive relationships. This involves creating environments where individuals can express their anger, be heard, and work towards emotional regulation. Safe connections are crucial for helping individuals process their anger and supportive relationships can help transform anger into a catalyst for change.
IPNB also recognizes that anger, when acknowledged and channeled constructively, can be a powerful force for change. It can motivate individuals to seek justice, advocate for themselves and others, and challenge the systems that perpetuate harm.
The suggestion to “let go” of anger can feel like a dismissal of the survivor’s legitimate emotions and the gravity of their experiences. Anger in the face of profound violation and betrayal is a natural, protective response. When someone advises “letting go” without understanding the context, it can make the survivor feel misunderstood and unsupported.
Anger often serves as a moral compass, signaling that something deeply wrong has occurred. Telling a survivor to let go of their anger may inadvertently suggest that the injustice they suffered is not significant, or that they should move on without seeking accountability or resolution. This can undermine their pursuit of justice and healing.
Survivors may internalize the message that their anger is wrong or excessive, leading to feelings of shame or self-blame. They might start to question their own emotional responses, wondering if they’re overreacting or being unreasonable, which can exacerbate feelings of isolation and self-doubt.
Anger, in these contexts, is tied to a deep sense of self-preservation and justice. When told to let go, survivors might feel pressured to disconnect from their own emotions, leading to further emotional distress and a sense of disconnection from their true selves.
anger is not just a destructive force; it can be a crucial part of the healing process. It provides energy and motivation for the survivor to protect themselves, seek justice, and set boundaries. “Letting go” without processing and understanding the anger can short-circuit this vital aspect of healing.
IPNB emphasizes the importance of integrating all emotions, including anger, in a healthy way. Integration doesn’t mean repressing or dismissing emotions, but rather understanding and channeling them constructively. Telling someone to let go of their anger without this integration can prevent the healing process from taking its natural course.
When a survivor hears advice to “let go” of their anger from someone they trust, it can damage the relationship. They may feel that their pain is not being taken seriously or that the person advising them doesn’t fully comprehend the depth of their trauma. This can lead to withdrawal from the relationship, reducing the survivor’s support network at a time when they need it most.
This approach also risks ignoring the systemic and structural issues that contribute to abuse and institutional betrayal. By focusing on the individual’s emotional state rather than the broader context of injustice, well-meaning advice can inadvertently shift responsibility away from the perpetrators and systems that caused the harm.
#TraumaAwareAmerica
This worked for me with my therapist. My mother was very angry and abusive. My stepfather used to act superior and pretend he NEVER felt angry. So I vowed I would never be like my mother and NEVER get angry. My therapist tried to help me express anger–to no avail. But finally I was able to feel anger by watching cat videos of cats slapping other cats, other dogs, their owners–whenever they got upset. You can’t blame the cat for their immediate emotional reaction. Therefore, you can’t blame me either. It revolutionized my therapy!