Whether it’s being picked last for softball after school or not getting invited to an important social gathering, being left out can cause a lot of emotional pain.
Being excluded hurts.
But what can you do about it? It’s just part of life, right?
That answer wasn’t good enough for Dr. Paolo Riva and his colleagues at the University of Milano-Bicocca in Italy. They wanted to see whether there was a way to change the brain to alleviate the pain caused by exclusion.
In particular, they hypothesized that specific regions of the brain might be able to “buffer” against social pain. In order to test this, they recruited 79 university students and randomly assigned them to either a treatment or a control group.
Researchers told the students they were about to participate in a “mental visualization exercise,” during which they would receive electrical stimulation across the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (rVLPFC) for 15 minutes.
Only students in the treatment group actually received the current, however.
Five minutes before the end of the stimulation session, both groups played a virtual ball-tossing game. They were told they were playing with other people, taking turns throwing the ball to each other.
In fact, the other participants in the game were controlled by a computer, which was designed to exclude some players at random. So, when each student was playing their game, some received the ball their fair share, while others got it only once.
After the game, students reported the percentage of throws they thought they received, and how much their feelings were hurt during the game.
The results led to some interesting conclusions.
In both groups, the students who were excluded from the game reported hurt feelings. But the students who received the rVLPFC stimulation felt hurt just slightly, while the students in the control group were much more affected.
This research is interesting because it reinforces the point that negative experiences alone aren’t enough to bother us. It’s how our brain handles those experiences that matters.
And at the least, it’s proof of a very important truth – how we process painful experiences affects how much we suffer from them.
This research shows the potential for brain science to change the way we handle negative experiences. That in itself might be useful to tell your patients.
If you want to improve the brain’s ability to handle life’s experiences (both positive and negative), take a look at this.
Have you ever worked with a client who suffered from feelings of social exclusion? What interventions did you suggest? Were they effective? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Annie, Australia says
There are ‘us and them’ attitudes and ‘us and you’ attitudes. ‘You’ meaning one person. I have been the ‘you’ in many exclusive situations. Sister and partner, both together or individually. One leads another. Home should be a sanctuary. Being shut out at home led me to being sensitive to perceived rejections and inadequacy elsewhere. I am convinced that rejection resulted in an unbalanced Parasympathetic Nervous System and caused a heart attack five months ago. I barely believed I am writing this to post. There’s not enough love.
Shmuel, engineer, Israel says
IT IS of course important to educate children to avoid and stop freinds from hurting others.
And emotional or social pain may be triggered in other versions as well. Exclusion is a subset of
of larger family of events, in which the individual perceives a situation as indicating a devaluation of some sort. Whether really intended or not. Normally the risal of pain in such cases is involuntary, and very individual to the person in the “severity” level .
I find that spreading out methods for relieving emotional pain is extremely beneficial.
It’s aim is not to numb feelings, or lower sensitivity. I see the aim to melt frozen pain experiences.
Personnaly I have found both mindfullnness and EFT very effective.
I tend to believe physical pain and emotional pain register, at least in part, differently in the mind, brain and nervous systems.
Michelle. Homemaker/Aidworker. England. says
Mindfulness meditation helps me to be aware of any painful feelings and accept them. Suppressing them only seems to lead to the problems resurfacing later. Emotional Freedom Technique also helps in bringing painful experiences to the surface and I felt such a release after just 6 hours of the treatment. I still can’t believe how much my life has changed in just 6 months due to these two methods.
I just wish that we all learned to value and be grateful for each other instead of constantly having power struggles, just think what a lovely world that would be if we all played our part and were more respectful of each other, that’s my wish.
Mark Bottinick, therapist, Maryland, USA says
I use energy psychology techniques for this kind of problem, including EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). It alleviates troubling feelings very rapidly, which then facilitates healthy changes in cognitions. More info on energy psychology, which has 60 plus research studies behind it, can be found at energypsych.org.
Marlene, former Asst Mgr, WA says
Having been recently terminated after 35+ years from my management job, I am experiencing social exclusion by my former coworkers. After knowing most of them for 25 years, I considered them to be family. This is almost as painful to me as the sudden death of my mother 5 yrs ago.
This article and comments are fascinating. It may be of interest to some that EMDR with a skilled psychologist is giving me great relief from pain and depression. My brain seems to be “rewiring” and healing itself at an astonishing speed as I process and integrate the pain.
MM says
I’m so sorry. Please seek out a trustworthy therapist. Have considered a lawsuit against the employer?
Marlene, fmr Asst Mgr, Washington says
EMDR combined with CBT by a psychologist certified in EMDR is bringing such immediate and total relief from pain and trauma that I urge any client to seek out a like therapist. Certified therapists can be found on website for EMDRI. After spending many years in more traditional talk therapies that were not even close to efficacy of EMDR for me, I am on a mission to educate fellow sufferers (and mental health insurers) aware of how quickly and effectively EMDR heals trauma, depression and pain. It was the only reason for my original post. Do not seek or need sympathy, but thank you for your kind remarks MM. Respectfully, Marlene
Marlene, fmr Asst Mgr, Washington says
Correction: EMDRIA website is organization to locate certified therapists in EMDR.
Olivia, artist, France says
meditation, using a sound mantra, has been found to clear negative thoughts. Whether chanted out loud or inwardly , in conjunction with relaxation and visualisation = negative self talk can be erradicated.
Nora, Counselor Prayer Ministry says
Sounds like it could be of real benefit. But it would be helpful to know what device they used and what other ways that area of the brain could be stimulated, without equipment to achieve a similar result.
LEW says
to correct any behaviours which may be provoking bullying; to understand the dynamics involved
“Provoking” bullying, huh?! THAT…
Cathy Hasty, psychotherapist, clergy, chaplain says
The comments to this article were fascinating. I am struck that the exclusion indicators are not in the ACE survey and I wonder if this was a grave oversight. The awareness of power of the community on our health is increasing. I am reminded of some of the work of Rene Girard’s theory of violence, religion and scapegoating. Thank you for the comments.
Angela social worker UK says
Mindfulness helps rewire our brains?
Mark Bottinick, therapist, Maryland, USA says
All sorts of things can rewire the brain. Neural plasticity.
Marion Yoga Instructor, HSE and SEP says
Is not the real issue why do we exclude people and what we can do to foster better connections with others?
Rewiring the brain, should be done with caring and education not with currents to alter your sensitivity and perceptions. Pain is information. It may be giving important cues as to what is happening both in ourselves and in the environment. It may be more useful to determine if the individual needs to improve their social skills or if the surrounding culture is actually discriminatory.
What then?
Numbing feelings is not the answer. Paying attention to them and learning to work with them and the issues they present is much more useful.
Doug Kilburg Washington, D.C. says
If you’re not sure how to improve social skills, how do you do so?
Mark Bottinick, therapist, Maryland, USA says
Changing social skills is easier when you can alleviate the anxiety and shame first. If the environment is discriminatory, it’s still beneficial to heal the emotional reaction. And neither social skills nor discrimination may be the issue. I was chosen last for sports because I was small and not very athletic. I was popular, but not when it came time to choose teammates. Finally, we bring learned emotions from childhood to adulthood, so feeling left out as a kid can lead to feeling isolated as an adult despite social connections. So healing these feelings is highly valuable.
Jan Newmna MD says
This is interesting information but without a reference to the original article it is not very helpful. what was their protocol? What did they stimulate the vlpfc with? WHat was their baseline state? How many were depressed before? All of these things are important when it comes to interpreting these studies.
Caron Smith, MSW says
journal.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fnins.2015.00062/full
Nigel Lewis. Coach, hypnotherapist, Cleethorpes, England says
Charlye Jo Ivy thank you for your supportive comments. I can add to that by telling you that we each had to mentor one of the young people and as it was my project I took on the one perceived to be the worst. He was on cocaine at fourteen and he was the only one whose parents would not let him do the abseil because it clashed with the routine in the pub. The young man went on to be named best improved athlete in our county, is now married with a lovely family, still visits me and has nothing to do with his parents. So I think what I am saying is that we did not have to wire him up, but something drastically retired in his brain!
Kimberly Wulfert, PhD, psychologist, CA says
I’m reminded of the brain’s emphasis on processing in the right PFC almost exclusive of processing in the left PFC, which is more positive, optimistic, in people suffering from depression. Assuming that when depressed, hurt via rejection or perceived rejection hurts even more, and of course we are hardwired to process on the right side for survival through a cautious pessimistic approach to percieving our environment, my question is; is the location where they were stimulating with the current the same place? If so, could this stimulation help relieve depression and combined with a meditation practice, shift processing more to be on the left? Studies have shown daily mediators process more on the left PFC as a result of meditating.
I’d like to see this study repeated with pre and post depression measures and have the left PFC processing area I’m referring to, be monitored for activity level while the right side is being stimulated.
Sarah Redden, teacher, BPych says
I find it very interesting that I seemed to have read this article completely differently than those of you that commented on the article. What stands out most to me is how the wiring of the brain directly impacts your perception of social exclusion. To me this highlights genetics as being a key factor in feelings of social exclusion and a lack of resiliency. That, combined with multiple instances of exclusion would result in significant changes in the brain structure. Have I misinterpreted something? Could someone please clarify for me? I am very fascinated! Thank-you!
Fred, Communication Skills trainer, Portland, OR says
Because 97% of the people in prison are men, for my doctoral dissertation I asked men who had committed a violent act what they were perceiving at the time. All of them reported perceiving being excluded from a relationship they thought important to them. To a member of a social species banishment is experienced as a potential death sentence. Perceptions of banishment are accompanied by a primitive, survival-level terror response that quickly turns into anger, resentment, and rage toward self or others. I believe these responses to be behind much of the violence we see in the world today, and all of it based on a perception that there is such a thing as “us and them.”
Kristina Cizmar, The Shame Lady, Boulder, CO says
I’ve seen in my work that social exclusion as a child can be experienced as trauma in and of itself. Yet it’s not included specifically in the ACE study! So, thank you, Fred, for your insightful comments – everything you shared makes absolute sense to me.
In my work, I redefine shame as “I’m not good enough to belong” and provide a translation process that helps people see how it’s all about meeting the need to belong, and that there are adaptive ways to meet this need. I typically work with people who have turned shame inward, rather than expressing violence outwardly. I’d be so curious to see if this work could offer something to the kind of population you’re speaking of. This (free) worksheet conveys the basic idea: theshamelady.com/bookbonus
JK, Utah, U.S. says
Thank you, Kristina. I’ll be sending for your translator information. It sounds very interesting.
Anne, trauma group facilitator, Toronto says
Wow, wonderful insightful comments – both of you.
One thing that gets missed far too often is whether or not the person is exhibiting inappropriate behaviours that make them a target by the group as a whole, or whether they’ve been picked for a ‘punishment display’ or scapegoating by a predatory individual, who uses the purposeful ‘removing from the herd’ as a form of sadistic control.
The former can be corrected by teaching the person social skills and pro-social behaviour along with training others in their environment. The latter, however, requires intervention with a focus on the individual who is initiating the excluding/bullying.
I’ve seen too often that a child who has experienced the latter within the home will then show ‘victim behaviours’ in social settings, which may sometimes get them excluded by the group as a whole.
Maryann, MFT, USA says
Anne,
May I ask what ‘victim behaviors’ you are referring to? I have worked with clients who have been repeatedly victimized in work environments. In my observation, the commonality between these clients was a higher education and/or higher intelligence. They did not appear to exhibit anti-social behaviors.
Thanks,
Maryann
Anne, trauma group facilitator, Toronto says
Hi Maryann,
I’m not sure if the following will answer your question, but I’ll give it a try. I didn’t mean to imply, btw, that the victim would ever exhibit anti-social behaviours (perhaps socially awkward, but that’s not at all the same thing.)
There isn’t much attention paid to this in social services; there is a much richer vein in criminology and police training literature (and some in better self-defence courses). A victim of any kind of violence is statistically much more likely to be victimized again, and this is true for all kinds of crime from fraud, break & enter, rape, to harassment and work-place bullying. (Google “repeat victimization” and “revictimization” for more info. Also see research under the Criminology sub-specialty “Victimology”)
There are certain situations and behaviours (this is NOT blaming, btw) that will make it more likely that one will encounter particular kinds of crimes or victimization. Often the victim has (usually unknowingly) entered into a situation that is favourable for the abuser or criminal, doesn’t understand the relevant factors involved, and thus is unable to defend themselves. That is almost always combined with a perpetrator’s well-developed ability to read people to determine who would be an easy, or suitable, victim (see Greyson/Stein study below).
There are a few more considerations that may be relevant and important to understand for certain interactions: for instance the ‘criminal test’ (what behaviour a perpetrator uses to test for vulnerability or compliance); and ‘preferred victim type’ (where the perpetrator has a particular victim type they prefer and will overlook easier targets). Most victims have ‘failed’ the criminal test at some point (this is one aspect of ‘victim behaviour’).
I think what you’re describing is a situation where your clients were considered a threat to an anti-social personality in their environment and targeted as a result, rather than being bullied or excluded by a group due to any shortcomings on their part – at least not initially. In that case, any ‘victim signals’ probably weren’t as relevant as their perceived threat to the bully. I’d wager most of them are probably nice people, personable and good at their jobs, who had been raised to be polite, conscientious, and look for the good in everyone. However, they were probably also trained to discount potential danger signals, which is one aspect of ‘victim behaviour’ (although I’d also ask about earlier victimization).
Any subsequent victimization may be exacerbated by newly acquired victim behaviours (sometimes known as ‘victim signals’). That can be as simple as expressing pain and distress in public under the wrong circumstances – in front of the wrong people.
I’m not aware of a single reference which covers this, so I’ve included several, each speaking to different aspects:
– This article discusses revictimization in relation to sexual assault after CSA (this concept applies to most victimization): digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1399&context=psychfacpub
– “Victim Signals” is also covered in Angela Book’s research: scribd.com/doc/216896183/Psychopathy-and-Victim-Selection-The-Use-of-Gait-as-a-Cue-to-Vulnerability
– which is a follow-up of the Greyson & Stein study on “Victim Selection” from the 1980s: scribd.com/doc/35330362/Attracting-Assault-Victims-Nonverbal-Cues-Grayson-Stein
(BTW, even though all the literature documents solely male perpetrators (a personal peeve of mine) I know that bullies in the workplace are as likely to be female; the same principles apply.)
As for your clients’ initial targeting, I’d suggest reading Robert Hare and Paul Babiak’s book “Snakes in Suits” for their description of who gets targeted and why. You could also direct your clients to this site: bullyonline.org/
– bullyonline.org/workbully/why_me.htm
– bullyonline.org/workbully/bullying_and_harassment.htm
Note: Bullyonline.org is a well-regarded website (its author is deceased but the site is maintained by friends and supporters); however there is (or was) another UK website which looks very similar and offers ‘services’ to victims, but is run by a convicted criminal harasser.
JK, Utah, U.S. says
Fred, is there a way on this site to get your full name and maybe a way of being able to read your dissertation? I found your work very interesting! My background is in Political Science and marriage and Family Therapy, and I recently have been learning Arabic and living in the Middle East for 4 months. Islamic State (IS or ISIS) is very much on my mind. I’m looking at Masters Degrees in Trauma Counseling with some elements of Intercultural Counseling. So your work strikes a chord. With that background, there were a couple of thoughts I had with your comment.
Much of IS’s backup doctrine for their formation of a “New Caliphate” is a stated belief of a need to “defend themselves from the world”. (May I just make it clear that I do not think IS truly represents Islam in any way, but is a power and fear-based organization–and perhaps from your study an organization that is having a strong perception of being “excluded” and is reacting with extreme violence and rage.) My comment here is simplifying the matter greatly, but from what you have said about your study, it makes a lot of sense that the youth (many of whom are actually from Europe and the US–not as many from actual Arab states) where they feel a great sense of alienation and “not fitting in”) who join IS would be having a very strong reaction to those feelings of alienation. They then take those feelings of alienation and join a very violent, fear-based, rage-filled group where they can act out those feelings.
A second point is that Arab culture, in general, is a very extroverted and social culture. They very much have a group sense of themselves. This Italian study fascinates me in a couple of ways in regard to this social culture. It has been mentioned in the comments that some of the reactions to social exclusion may be genetically passed on. It would makes sense that this would happen in families and in larger societies who are related to each other. If Arabs have a generally stronger sense of belonging and “fitting in” than a more individualistic society it could follow from the results of both the Italian study and your study, Fred, that they could potentially also have a very strong reaction to feelings of exclusion (which are documented in many, many comments of Arab adults and youth).
I personally have a very strong sense that the world is becoming more and more polarized and that there is a great danger in that. I agree with you that there is very much becoming an “us and them” mentality, whether it is between political parties or groups such as IS.
Fascinating discussion.
JK, Utah, U.S. says
Oh, I realized that I said something that might not be clear. Let me clarify…the “European” youth that are joining IS–frequently are either Muslim (whether of European descent or not) or are Arabs who have been displaced and/or have emmigrated to European countries, so are in an environment that is not open to their faith and that is different than their culture, so they are not “part of” the dominant group.
Fred, Communication Skills trainer, Portland, OR says
Dear JK,
You can contact me through Rose City NVC, rosecitynvc.org Or through the Oregon Prison Project, oregonprisonproject.org
Sarah, Hypnotherapist, Canada says
Hi Fred,
Am also interested in reading your dissertation. I am working on a concept called the Four Connections, based on the premise that we all crave authentic connection and belonging as our primal need, even beyond the basic needs of food and shelter as put forward by Maslow originally (a hierarchy since challenged and disproved).
Regards, Sarah
Carolyn Dixon, M.D. gyn'Spiritual medicine, Sarasota, Florida says
So interesting and refreshing to have science to back up some of what we intuitively know. It will be most helpful to have clients know that they have some sense of control over how they feel. Also it is reassuring for those who may have negative experiences but do not carry the quilt because they are able to “process it” (let it go).
Nigel Lewis. Coach, hypnotherapist, Cleethorpes, England says
Many years ago as a Police Sergeant I ran a programme for 13 socially excluded young pepole. The program was called CRASH PROGRAME. It used circuit traing at our local leisure centre where the youngsters became part of a community of 100 plus fitness minded pepole of all ages and entailed 1hour per week of physical exercise. It included running so they felt the closeness that groups of athletes find when they run and of course it added to their self esteem as they became fitter. It included a 200 foot abseil down our local iconic monumement the dock tower. This brought together whole family’s in support that had been missing before. It included a self esteem class every week for twelve weeks when they learned about the value of living from the inside out instead of the outside in. Finally it included a healthy eating, no drugs no alcohol content to let them experience wellness and fitness. The program was a great success and achieved a Chief Constables commendation. All but one of the young pepole completed a thirteen week program and made amazing changes in their perception of themselves and how they fitted in with the community.
C. Ivy School Counselor tx USA says
Mr. Lewis,
I am so onboard with your comments especially concerning self-esteem. As part of my doctoral study I worked with girls with behavioral issues in school using a self-esteem program written by myself and Suzanne Harrill. Behavioral incidents were reduced significantly as were scores on an anger index. Interestingly the scores on the self-esteem index remained the same. The research and my own conclusions lead to evidence that in adolescent girls self-esteem and self-image are outer directed rather than inner directed. Your program is evidence that young people can be taught this important skill of internal locus of control.
Charlye Jo Ivy
Harriet Trevor, Another Field, GB says
Such support is extremely essential for the healthy physical and emotional well-being of a person. My adolescence was painful and has caused much damages to my own. Low in self-esteem and self-image, I only now realized that it is all the opposite. This will the help of external affirmation of the contrary. I don’t use drug or alcohol, and eat somewhat healthy. I had a good education but very little about self-care and how to emotionally love myself as different and fit in by adapting to my environment that was not so. Thank you for creating those programs and emphasizing that I have to learn about internal locus of control which we all happened to forget at times.
Peggy, Doctoral candidate, Ohio says
Social exclusion can be painful. Paired with other destructive behaviors (e.g., humilation, gossip, verbal abuse), that person needs more than rewiring their brain. We need to learn how to buffer but we also need to stop these behaviors towards children as well as working adults.
Anne, trauma group facilitator, Toronto says
Thank you for that comment; I couldn’t agree more. Being socially excluded is an emotional and psychological injury. It’s frequently intended as such by the person or persons doing the excluding.
I fear that if we put the focus only on the excluded child’s (or adult’s) feelings without, as you suggest, an accompaniment of other responses, we are missing the bigger picture and possibly making things worse.
We need to teach children who tend to bully empathy and compassion (for others, but also for themselves, which is often the root of this); we need to teach the bystanders not to participate or support the bully, and to intervene wherever possible. And we need to teach the excluded or bullied child skills: to correct any behaviours which may be provoking bullying; to understand the dynamics involved and place ‘the blame’ where it belongs; to internalize their locus of control; to learn behavioural techniques (physical and emotional) for self-defence.
I suspect that teaching the excluded child those skills, along with knowing that others in their environment have been taught them as well and someone is watching over, will also rewire their right brain positively. No current needed.
Linda, retired, Pennsylvania says
Your emails are wonderful and so informative. People experience negative situations every minute of every day no matter the age or location. How absolutely great there is a way the brain can help offset negative pain from hurtful situations. Looking forward to hearing more on this subject. It’s universal. Thank you.
Neysa, Coach/Therapist says
There is another available and very useful tool in the form of AVE or entrainment.
The research has been around for a very long time. A Symphony in the Brain, by Jim Robbins, details how it was developed and why most people don’t know about it.
More recent AVE devices include some form of electrical stimulation.
Muralidhara HS, retired engineer says
Thank you for guiiding me about rewiring our brain regarding social exclusion, with a detailed study.
I am a 63 year old retired engineer ,as per my experience with my beloved wife,what i have to say is
such social exclusions individual create themselves. It will be a great strength of mental ability or brain power one has to overcome which I have practically over come for almost three decades.( this may be due to some major mental problem which I admit)It requires a strong determination and will power to overcome the mental stress it develops on the brain..
Teri, mind body integration says
This also validates the long term benefits received by those who have daily meditation or mindfulness or mind body integration practices that build that prefrontal cortex area. With consistent intent and practice we can all have resilient brains and experiences. Thank you for the article.
Ginger Ingalls, retired LMT, NCTMB, RCST; poet writer says
Does the enteric nervous system override the prefrontal cortex in handling social exclusion ?
Gertrude, Complimentarty Healthadviser says
Not all human brains react the same. I remember how i, in ancient days, when i was an Aupair in the UK, opted to play in an all male local basketball team. A female friend chose to come along. She was not very sporty in those days. I on the other hand scored many goals and was thus passed on the ball many times, really included. She was not any good and thus excluded. It was a local amateur club, just intended for fun and exercise. The fact that she was excluded made me decide i did not want to play with people like that and i just quit the team. She did not suffer any feelings of exclusion. They say beautiful people have it easier in our western societies, but she was no proof of that. She was ugly according to western standards again. I was often considered pretty. She however had a very nice family to aupair with, while i had a very oppressive family as aupairfamily. So i clearly repeated the early childhood pattern of not being wanted. That was just by the mother and not by the children, who loved me better then their mother, they said. The husband loved my cooking better. Maybe the fact they were jewish and i was a christian at the time had something to do with it. If so i should consider myself lucky, that did not reside in my heart. Or possibly it was an upperclass poor girl issue. The only bonus from being severely traumatized from conception onwards. Being: I escaped being negatively socialized and have escaped fitting these common standards.
Monty Maizels, retired recording engineer, et al. says
Nice to have corroboration of a personal observation.
Since becoming interested in and using a re-evaluation process I (specifically EFT, but generally whatever works) I have stopped being intimidated in this way when challenged by authority.
Instead of feeling small (“What must be wrong with me?”) my first reaction tends to be “Hello! what’s up with you?”
A specific instance, at the local clinic a few years ago I saw a general practitioner I had not previously consulted and when I told him I was on no medications at all was informed that “someone your age should be on antibiotics for the rest of your life” (I was 86.)
My reprogrammed brain gave him a metaphorical cold, hard look and I am still on no medications.
Thanks for all your information and insights. Sometimes I feel that I am drowning in offered help from the internet, but not from NICABM.
Monty