How to Transform Shame with Self-Compassion
 |
with Deborah Lee, DClinPsy;
|
 |
with Deborah Lee, DClinPsy; Christopher Germer, PhD; Kristin Neff, PhD; Paul Gilbert, PhD; Jack Kornfield, PhD; Dennis Tirch, PhD; Susan Pollak, MTS, EdD; Laura Silberstein-Tirch, PsyD; Christopher Willard, PsyD; Ruth Buczynski, PhD and Ashley Vigil-Otero, PsyD
Sign up for a Gold Membership
Much of this is very familiar to me but I am hearing it in new ways, spoken with new words and voices. What really struck me in this third module is Deborah Lee. She talked of the compassionate face and voice we give to our clients and said that with deep internal shame/trauma clients, they receive that as “yuk” or in my own terminology, “oogie”. My take away is that deeply shamed based/trauma clients have such deep feelings of being unworthy that compassion feels false – they don’t deserve it and if you think they do, you aren’t really seeing them. Compassion is unfamiliar and feels gross. The way to help them understand compassion is to explain it a more matter-of-fact way. I can already think of 4 clients I can use that with. Thank you Deborah.
I love what Jack Kornfield said about “being a blessing where where ever we go” and that all therapy is about love.
When we do this instead of trying to fix people, I believe that we will move in a direction of greater compassion and
individual and personal inspiration for each client. Sometimes in the process of working with people, that gets lost.
I am a nurse, Licensed Massage Therapist, and soon to be Jin Shin Jyutsu Practitioner and am doing a Church basedservice mission working with people in a Non Addiction Support group for people who have friends or family with addictions like, alachol, drugs, or pornography
I liked Paul Gilbert’s very simple phrases about helping pain and the final section of this program about love.
Love is what I have learned recently to be a key part of compassion and expressing kindness and how I interact with not just my family but clients also.
Being an OT and experiences of severe mental health issues of others being controlled with medications has always gone against my instincts even before i qualified over 10 years ago now.
When I am looking for answers to help my wife who from your recent programs best describes her to be experiencing shame rather than what others are otherwise suggesting such as schizophrenia.
In a world with very little evidence of compassion generally, we as therapists can be the only people that can have any impact above the negative effects of prescribed medications.
Having come across this approach to my Facebook page by chance perhaps was not a coincidence as I have been searching for a suitable and holistic approach that can make a positive experience rather than more distress for my clients and family.
Thank you.
This work really touched my heart. The presenters were wonderful and the concepts closer to what I feel is real service to others.
It is all I can do to keep from the Gold Program and I bet I hit the button next week and find a way to have this work permanently available.
I liked the two schools metaphor. Also I like the functional analysis but need more clarification on that. Again very helpful info and seemed
like more practical strategies today.
Greatest take away: Ideas on how to work with imagery to assist a client to straddle that head/heart dilemma and learn how to displace shame with self-compassion, remembering cognitive based approaches aren’t as effective as emotions-up approach. Will definitely use more imagery, and take more time in the imagery, with clients.
Thank you for another very interesting and useful session. Again I am finding great benefit in linking similar concepts across approaches, and how the compassion-focused approach gives me a clearer rationale and more choice of tools and analogies to bring some of these home to clients. For example, the importance of tone – it is often something I talk about in passing, when encouraging clients to become more compassionate to themselves. However, I would now feel more confident in spending longer on this and being able to justify my reasons – e.g. that the amygdala is particularly sensitive to tone – which will hopefully further persuade a scared and initially sceptical client. It also made me realise just how many of my clients are holding shame of some sort or another, even those I didn’t immediately think of.
I am very much an advocate for CFT and the ‘bottom-up’ approach. However, I am having a difficult time applying it with one client who is really struggling to access emotions, perhaps due to medication. Sometimes I feel at a loss as to how to progress without any recognition or acknowledgement of feeling, does anyone have any tips?
Hi there Rose, two things come to mind from your post. Is your client able to feel the “felt sense” at all? And do “tracking”? They may not be able to name a feeling or emotion but can they feel some kind of subtle sensation in their body? Which I think is more important? If I have someone like this I wait for them to say something like “I feel so such and such” and then I kind of gently intercept and get them to track that “feeling such and such” into their body – like following paw prints in the woods to see where they lead to… If they have no idea where it is – which is likely – I get them to raise their left hand (this connects to right brain and feeling and intuition) and “plop” it on their midline and it always lands just at the spot (and then suggest they may want to leave their hand there to protect it). Sometimes their head too but I just get them to do it also along the midline.
I demonstrate where their midline is, and gently explain that this is where our emotions are, even if they are sleeping. I also explain that its okay if they are sleeping and explain about overwhelm and safety. I will even whisper if I sense that this part of them feels so very unsafe and explain that “I am whispering because I sense that I need to here. Its often very moving. If I sense a client’s emotional being feels so unsafe as to remain this frozen, this level of care and very sensitive attunement can be a very melting.
But… the medication. Really tricky as everything does get drugged – joy, libido, grief… I don’t usually work with clients on medication. (I might in future.) So you might be limited here. Good luck!
Wow thank you Catherine for responding, that’s actually really helpful and has made me reflect more on what I can try with my client. I think I am working with some real resistance alongside the medication so it’s tricky, but I really like what you say about gentle interception and tracking, that’s great. Many thanks.
For me there are two aspects that stood out, first the Tone and the awareness of this in one’s own voice and in the voice of others…it seems the spoken voice has the “ring of truth” in that we may say all the correct words however if the tone is harsh this can stimulate the threat system and if the tone is kind it can bring one into the south system…learning this and aligning with the hearts truth of the ancient wisdoms of desiring and being all about love – that was the second point I feel both knit together to work for the greater good…
Whatever techniques one is using, the key ingredient is always love!
Thank you so much for this webinar, I am.now full of new ideas ready to be applied. I ll be paying extra attention to my tone of voice and my overall body language while supporting persons.
A very valuable session today.
Interesting that I too consider Love to be the key element from this program.
Loved it. Thank you
I loved the point about working with shame from the “emotional” standpoint vs cognitive. I love the tool about them imagining a younger version/child of self and what would you convey to that innocent child who was criticizing him or herself? I have used that tool in various ways. I have had clients bring in a picture of him/herself as a child into session.
I appreciated the acknowlegement/exploration of the (potential) fear behind the removal of the inner critic… “what is the inner critic doing for you?” (What “service” is being provided that may be “lost?”)
Thank you. I had a client diagnosed With GADI just started seeing. Except she had various stories and thoughts that seemed unrelated, so I decided to do CBT for anxiety. Listening to this episode made me realize that the shared link in her various stories and complaints is shame. This will be a big change in my therapeutic focus next session. I already know it what she needs. Thank you.
I tried the free session via Dr. Siegel’s email – very informative and useful – I will more than likely be signing up for the entire series – powerful imagery in regard to inner critic; helpful with the ‘stuck’ clients. Great take away from this session. Thank you!!
Another great session. I look forward to using Deborah’s cycle of shame psychoeducation with patients. It really resonated what she and the other presenters said about how there is that heart/mind gap/disconnection. I realized i’ve been trying to speak to the critical/threatened self and feeling disheartened when there’s no change in thoughts and emotions. I’m very excited to be practicing more CFT and helping patients learn about the value of compassion based interventions. I’m also pleasantly surprised to see how open my Veteran patients are to the interventions!
I am sorry! I’ll have to listen to this again I was distracted by the teacher with the beard. It just is so much judge mental of me I’m sure, but it seems somewhat arrogant. That’s my truthful statement. So I guess I’ll learn to be more truthful. Thank you
Hearing the compassionate voices of these teachers will help me coach/ mentor/ frame model the kind of voice to use to speak to themselves. Soft and slow is the best practice.
thank you so much!!!
Viviana
This was so useful, and i now realise i need to do some work around understanding this technique more. I am looking forward to using some of the questioning and being mindful of my voice tone for a starting point as well as looking at more cpd around this.
Thank you so much for clarifying shame.
Everything is helpful
Wonderful insught to cft! Keep up the great work
Self compassion and love are the key to helping my clients change and move their thoughts to be ones to help improve there lives.
I thoroughly enjoyed the part where Functional Analysis was discussed and the questions to ask the client to get them to self discover what is getting in their way. Also bringing in the younger self to the minds eye to show self compassion.
Thank you for reminding me that the tone of voice is a key element, when we refræner our Thinking.
Reframe our thinking
In the end what realy matters is love. Thanks
Thank you all so much for a very valuable session today. I benefited from all the speakers in particular the discussion around the application of various strategies. My biggest take away has to be the discussion around labeling and tone of the inner critic. The best so far!
You have placed in my mind, drawn on my face, shone from my eyes and move my hands with this series.The connections of years of working with the least, last and the lost as a Nurse Practitioner make sense in a new understanding and I have better understanding as what to do. The teaching today was powerful. I will use this for me personally in my growth but will also integrate it with what is teach my student Psych Mental Health Nurse Practitioner students. When the student sees the client for initial assessment or medications management asking the student to identify the emotions of the human condition might the client may be experiencing then helping the client to label the emotion and then as rapport is built walk with the client in changing the process in the amygdala. This knowledge and practice can reduce suicides.
Thank you all.
Linda
Thank you once again for providing this series! Many Ah-ha moments came to mind… Paul Gilbert’s ‘moments of wanting to be helpful to my pain’. I love the idea that we feel shame BECAUSE we are human, not because we are inherently bad. Having compassion for the critic, softening our stance towards this part or mechanism, while offering a new approach-the 2 schools or 2 types of coaches is one exercise that I might try in the coming days. Lot’s of nuggets here-so much LOVE.
Question: What is the difference or distinction between self-compassion and self-pity? Or even sympathy? How can we ensure that someone trying to access self-compassion doesn’t fall into a loop of self-pity and victimhood (“poor me”)? It seems to me there might be an important line between self-compassion and self-pity to be aware of, to ensure someone is really experiencing self-compassion and not self-pity. For example, in the teaching example of the single mother in the house fire, her shame might have flipped into a state of ‘poor me’ and victimhood that she expressed to the world, possibly even expecting special treatment because of what she and her children had been through. Any chance this distinction can be addressed or defined in the last session? Or in a follow-up email or infographic? Thank you very much for all you do!
Hi Tamara, NICABM don’t usually answer the posts. My sense of self-pity and “poor me” is that with these modes there is a victim and perpetrator in the mix. Whereas with compassion there is all-encompassing acceptance and love. There is no victim. There is no perpetrator. In sympathy too, there is a “poor you” which places the sympathiser “above” the person in pain. With compassion, there is only mutuality… real understanding of the human condition and total loving presence to what IS. “The story” is no longer relevant. Just what is happening in the bodymind of the human… and compassion for this human experience. Hope this helps!
Catherine, thank you for replying. that’s a lovely description of compassion as all-encompassing acceptance and love, and also that in compassion the “story” is no longer relevant, because it’s just about what is happening. I’m thinking that taking responsible action is part of self-compassion, too, unlike self-pity and victimhood.
Sometimes NICABM has responded to comments in the past. These comments are read so you never know! To me, it feels like it would be beneficial if the difference between self-compassion and self-pity were mentioned and clarified explicitly as part of the total picture, these distinctions can be important. Whether NICABM responds or not, I do appreciate your response very much because it adds to my understanding — that letting go of the story especially! 🙂
I really benefited from the 2 schools and tone training. These are things the client can immediately try and experience the feeling response rather quickly. I did myself. Thank you for a very helpful presentation of CFT. It is a front runner for therapists and students alike. I will be using it more with my coaching clients.
I appreciate the idea that someone’s level of self-kindness and their inner-critic almost exist in a balancing, cycle (much like Karl Tomm’s PIP/HIP cycles; Calgary Family Therapy Center). I’m hopeful that by helping client’s increase their level of self-kindness (even if just a touch) may help the inner critic have less reason to continue it’s work to protect the client in unhelpful ways. I also liked the reminder that working with emotion is a button-up approach, and that thinking (cognitions) often fall into place once the emotions are felt, not just talked about! Thank you – it was a great webinar.
Thank you all so much for these webinars on Compassion Therapy! They are helping me do better, more effective work with clients. Would it be possible to sign up for the Gold subscription a few months from now when my financial situation is better?
I’m so happy to have heard so many excellent ideas in this third webinar. I noticed distinctions between shame around one’s own mistakes vs. that shame that so often can result from victimization as a child. I really liked Dr. Lee’s comments on talking to one’s Inner Critic with compassion for all his/her hard work 24/7 and Germer’s application of compassion to deep-seated shame by taking clients back to early childhood and their longing to be loved or the like, Tirch’s use of imagery to help clients make inner parts more real, and the idea of helping clients develop a compassionate other if it is too difficult for them to develop an inner compassionate part. This was reportedly very useful with “Seth,” but I wonder if with some clients – those who perhaps have even louder, more persistent Inner Critics – if exploring the barriers to developing one’s own Compassionate part to in order to help them work through that and then trying again might be important.
I am immediately thinking of a client who lives for her two sons. I believe She hides great internal shame about being a ‘bad daughter’ to her bullying parents behind a veil of adult hatred towards them. I am thinking that I might be able to encourage her to visualise herself as a young vulnerable daughter and to offer this ‘innocent self’ her compassionate support, in the same way she would her sons.
I found all of this presentation very valuable and I especially loved the idea of sending the inner critic on holiday, actually giving the inner critic a little validity for trying to be helpful. Additionally, looking on shame as an innocent emotion and making it a common humanity experience. I also found the idea of training the compassionate mind, developing the image of a mentor, guide, cheerleader, along with the phrase “was there a time you wished to be loved. This was such a valuable segment for me as I think about application to my practice and the clients I am currently privileged to work with. Thank you!!!
I love the idea of visualising an inner compassionate friend or coach. It’s like the inner friend I had as a fairly lonely child myself, and reminds me of the Christopher Robin poems by A A Milne. I’m sure there’s one about a secret friend.. does anybody remember it? I also appreciated very much the voice tone point. I will look out for that in myself and clients. Altoghether I think this series on self compasion is the one that is involving and moving me more than any other of the Nicabm series- though I appreciate ALL of them very mcuh.
Thankyou so much for the opportunity to learn .
My biggest take away is how to use imagery and tone training to access the compassionate afect-mind. To work bottom-up to build compassion. I especially appreciated the examples on how to guide through the compassionate other by using imagery.
Also appreciated how to help clients who are stuck in critism, especially early on in therapy, by using a matter of fact tone to educate them first on human condition.
All speakers were very helpful
Céline Guindon, Psychology intern
Well, I’m not a licensed psychologist. However, I guess I’ve found the information a little illuminating. While I’ve enjoyed listening to the speakers, it’s left me with “okay, so HOW do I apply this to my life to really create a better life for myself?!”
Thanks for reading…
The Metta practices that Jack Kornfield and Kristin Neff recommend are not hard to follow, they work slowly and steadily. Sharon Salzberg and Thich Nhat Hahn also elucidate the changes these compassionate practices bring about
I love this stuff. I work in education and am not a therapist but these ideas are just as relevant in that context. I work with people who work with young early school leavers. A programme for them that draws on these compassion therapy skills would be really useful.
Scaffolding/supporting the development of a kind, constructive inner voice is crucial to helping someone get past debilitating feelings of shame. The client needs to be able to trust this voice to keep them just as safe as the shame inducing critic that they are currently listening to. Tone of voice is critical
I like your use of the imagery of scaffolding! I am likely to use that. Thank you.
I especially enjoyed the discussion about utilizing imagery and visualization with our clients to develop a compassionate self they can identify with when dealing with shame/inner-critic. I specialize in dance/movement therapy and I heard the phrase “embody” quite often in this module and thought how powerful it is for our clients when they can truly feel the shift that is occurring within their own body, rather than just understanding it from a logical perspective. Thank you so much for sharing.
Same here – I’m an expressive arts therapist / Art Therapist …my sentiments exactly
Laura Miera, Art Therapist, Los Angeles
I am not a clinical therapist but love learning about psychology. I am a certified NLP practitioner and with today’s context I can easily picture ways to use some of the techniques in NLP similarly to some that were suggested today such as crating a state of how the supportive compassionate other would show up in their biology and see the transformation in the posture and facial expression etc and create a champion sat and using a different response through NLP technique to bring the client there rather than in shame mode. I can also use a technique called parts integration
I like the idea of finding the compassionate other, as well as the voice training. This will work well for one of my clients, and I’m looking forward to trying.
I like the 2 school exercise. So simple and yet I can imagine it zo be very effective.
Quiet insightful. Smaller tips go a long way in helping clients.
This module was full of valuable and salient suggestions for managing shame-based clients. As a counseling student, I’m grateful to be learning from the incredible presenters! Thank you for sharing your insights. As a future professional counselor, I hope to become trained in Compassionate Focused Counseling!
I will use this science by incorporating compassion mindfulness techniques into my work with women struggling to overcome emotional eating.
Sheila
It was good to be reminded to address the emotions, not just the cognitive aspects of shame and it’s accompanying beliefs. I will be more mindful of that this week.
Just listening to this was an exercise in compassion to myself. I was brought closer to hidden feelings of shame, and from there, to greater connection and compassion for myself. Thank for this healing you are bringing to the world.
I want to use the idea of helping the client find their compassionate other.