How to Transform Shame with Self-Compassion
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with Deborah Lee, DClinPsy;
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with Deborah Lee, DClinPsy; Christopher Germer, PhD; Kristin Neff, PhD; Paul Gilbert, PhD; Jack Kornfield, PhD; Dennis Tirch, PhD; Susan Pollak, MTS, EdD; Laura Silberstein-Tirch, PsyD; Christopher Willard, PsyD; Ruth Buczynski, PhD and Ashley Vigil-Otero, PsyD
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Wonderful presentation of assisting clients develop and compassionate connection and approach to the self relationship. This is essential to the developing person and humanity.
i love the practical skills that can be used when working with a client. I will bring some of the ideas such as visualizations or talking with their younger self to my work with teens, whose shame and negative self-talk can often be magnified. Thanks for wonderful presentation! It was so useful!
My clients recovering from compulsive/addictive eating and dealing with ADHD are quite literally swimming in a sea of shame and it’s ingrained and normalized. This was a tremendous session providing gentle tools full of clarity to help them climb out and craft a new reality. Thank you particularly, for the affirmation of the guidance to not torment them further by trying to force clinician kindness or wise client insights while they’re still bound up in the shame. Excellent advice, that will prevent great suffering and clients jumping ship before they can follow the compassion pathway!
I was disappointed as I was unable to access the session. I work either for the bank( temporary to fill a need) in the NHS or voluntarily. I do not have the possibility to pay for the Gold package. But I want the best for my clients, and have benefited from other offers. It was a shame for me!
I have used the feature of ‘kindness’ to self, rather than compassion for some time, but I found the coherent and practical account offered in your webinars improve confidence – not only in the things I can do already but by way of suggesting changes in the future.
Deborah’s remarks about the Brain not caring whether it works on reality or illusion was fun. Shades of Greek philosophers echoing through the millenia. An helpful way to sustain a conversation that has curiosity at its heart! As does ‘acting as if ……’
I really liked the idea of developing compassion motivation , and the compassionate self /other. The description by Tirch that the “sad and frustrated inner critic” is getting his job “colossally wrong” by using threats and fears to get the job done had me laughing . Beautiful!
I have a 13 year old client who told me that her inner critic is a workaholic.
Really appreciated this module !
Illustrious; easy and a personal “natural gift” to apply these ideas when helping others, but must keep the learning process up of applying this to help myself…even the “mentor” has old abuse survivor issues! Funniest take-away was the British therapist who noted abuse survivors can’t stand too “understanding” a face in a therapist when dealing with shame (“Yuk!”), and thus, to cite the shame in a, quote, matter-of-fact way, to find an appropriate client/therapist “tempo.” Just great, your best series ever, breakthrough!! PS…and let us remember the concept of “tone!!”
i totally agree that tx for shame is bottom up. i encourage each of you and nicabm to check out and consider the bilateral tx of
Accelerated Resolution Therapy that is totally Limbic and Right Brain focused and thrives on brain induced metaphors.
Helping the client understand that shame is innocent, they were an innocent child and so became thier worse critic..but by understanding that concept and recognizing it and lovingly nameing it can then learn to love thier inner child and heal by loving self and others through words and actions.
I love the idea of developing compassionate other to help counteract the resistant inner critic. The therapeutic value of that process itself seems powerful and valuable.
I’m not a therapist. I had a number of ah-ha moments during this session. I wil be journaling about what harm my isolation has done. One of my big thoughts was about some dreams I’ve had lately. I always dream of a younger me. It’s as if my subconscious mind has been trying to put me in touch with my inner child, who actually knew a lot of love. My parents are no longer alive, but they gave me the best possible foundation for connecting with my lovable inner child. Thank you so much for this session.
I like the addition of having an actual compassionate companion or mentor and the understanding of how expressing self Compassion can affect the neuronal pathways positively. The word not mentioned here is forgiveness. Forgiveness of self. Self parenting is also useful if visualising self as a loving and caring parent of the self as a shameful small being.
Today’s Session has given me some invaluable Tools to move around a particularly resistant Client’s Self Critic! I am now able to tackle the resistance in a more circular approach, but also with Someone in mind that they have referred to repeatedly, to put forward as their “Compassionate Other” starting point of reference! Your Work is INVALUABLE!!!
I like your perspective that the Inner critic has a purpose, however misguided. The therapist can help the client understand this concept and then find a new, healthier way of meeting that need/achieving that goal. Thank you for offering this training for free. I’m not able to purchase it at this time, but it was a wonderful thing to offer. The world is in great need of more compassion – for ourselves and for others!
Wow. Thank you for digging deeply into the vital role of compassion for others and for ourselves. The healing in emphasizing our common humanity really has embedded this truth in my heart. Thank you!
Today was the first session I was able to hook up to. I unfortunately did not get the links for the previous ones, however, I loved today’s session and would certainly like to apply some of these principles into my counseling. I also have suffered shame myself so I will be trying some of these ideas in my own life when I am triggered. Thank you for allowing us to have this free access. Just hoping the access issues get sorted soon.
My clients are greatly appreciating the application of the techniques in this workshop. As one of them said, “Shame cannot grow in a field of Compassion.”
I need to work with myself to be less judgmental of me and more accepting of where people are.
I’m curious to learn more about why people who’ve experienced trauma experience kindness as revolting? I’ve seen it quite a lot, but don’t understand it.
As someone who is largely healed from PTSD, I’d say it just doesn’t seem real. I felt like I was in a foxhole, and what I needed was someone who understood the gravity of the situation. The fact that I didn’t feel I could believe the kindness of the therapist then made me feel inadequate. Later tho I did respond well to a very motherly therapist, so I guess it depends on what stage of healing a person is in.
I really appreciated the idea of discussing the function of the inner critic and what vulnerabilities that may expose in revealing what is underneath. I plan on introducing and using this intervention with a fifth grader who identifies most of his feelings as ‘ashamed’.
My apologies; just read your tips sheet. I am using an iphone, a couple of versions older, than the minimum required. It might not be possible gor me to access your webcasts with this phone.
Unfortunately, this us the third time I’ve tried to access one of your free broadcasts unsuccessfullly. In this particulsr one, I tried accessing sessions 2 & 3, both without success. Today, the video session came up as expected, but the screen prompt wasn’t active. Disappointed as I’ve been looking forward to biewing it. ?
Wow! I thought I was being a nice counsellor by saying nice things to my clients. But it’s YUK if they aren’t ready for it. Eeek! lol
Shame is such a tricky thing but this seminar has allowed me to finally understand it.
I also love the way compassion fits so well with Internal Family Systems, a therapy I use and love.
Terrific session!!!
Personally I thought today’s session was not helpful at all. I’m a person who’s experienced a lot of trauma. The worst of which was caused knowingly by my long time therapist 3 years ago this month. Because I’m
not a PhD I would guess my comments won’t hold the weight others will. Never the less it won’t stop me from saying most of what I heard today is not helpful and not because Im not a PhD but because I’m the one it’s meant to help. I’m extremely intelligent and educated (some from Harvard.) I like it and appreciate it when people are nice to me and kind to me so that reference in the video is not a common one. A lot of this, in my opinion, is more intellectual sparing and not helpful for the client. Even when applied to the client. While I do understand these sessions are not designed for the client my experience with years of therapy is that sadly this is the norm in therapy as well. Way too much intellect and not enough connection. In the end therapy is much more about the connection than any of what was said today. Instead of “figuring out” how to teach self-compassion therapists need to learn how to connect to people more instead of designing ways to “teach” clients. Clients are less interested in intellectual teachings than they are in a strong connection to someone. That is how they will heal and change how they deal with any issues they have. PhD’s are so caught up in the intellect they are not equipped to connect. And that’s what most clients need. The rest will follow.
Dear Ellen. Your comments have resonated so much with me. I am a counsellor in the UK. I attended the first of these sessions but found the frentic pace and delivery to be so opposed to what we aim for in compassion focused work. Yes connection not intellect is at the core of good counselling. I struggled to connect with this session. I appreciate these talks being made available without charge but disliked the hard sell of the gold package which is very expensive. A calmer more relational style of presentation would , for me, have been preferable.
What if a lot of people are telling you that you should feel shame, but there is no content to what they say, nothing concrete, just that you’re an inherently bad person, and you don’t know whether they’re right or you’re a repeated target of bullying? And if you are a regular target for bullying, then what can you do to reduce the bullying? For instance, there are stories of witches who were burned or simply driven out of their communities, which at that time was a death sentence. They did nothing concretely wrong. The townspeople simply didn’t like them and used them as a scapegoat. Maybe they were weird or shy or presumptuous or ugly. Even in modern times, there are homeless people who are homeless in part because their families have disowned them and managers wouldn’t hire them. Actually, even witch burnings still exist in modern times. When I look around at the world, I see very obviously mean people and people who harm others having much success in life, while kind, compassionate people are driven into poverty. I think to myself, “These people did nothing to deserve this, and even if they did some small thing, it can’t be worse than the terrible things I’ve seen others do who have much success in life and somehow many loyal friends.” So say the client comes in and is being bullied, and they’re asking what they can do to win people over so that they stop getting bullied and can get some help and support in reality. What do you say to that person?
Protecting oneself against rejection was a useful purpose for and way to accept the inner critic. I liked your Inner Critic Retirement Center and lightness about our inner critics meeting there. It all comes down to love …. well, who can dismiss that? Than you, All! Congrats on your latest paper, too, Kristen!
Because my clients grew up with psychologically absent or “dead” parents, they developed enormous fears and an inner critic that’s taking up far too much space in their lives. This may sound confusing to some so best explained either via my research entitled: “Lives Unseen: Unacknowledged Trauma of Non-disordered, Competent Adult Children Of Parents with a Severe Mental Illness” at The University of Melbourne (freely accessible if you Google my name: Suzette Misrachi) or the free brief articles (see medium.com). Having been heavily criticized by their parental figures meant taking away their inner critic – too quickly – would be too traumatic because it connects with their identity. So I have to help them dissolve any shame produced very, very slowly and gradually. The hints given in this module are certainly confirming and wonderful! Thanks to the NICABM team!
With much appreciation, Suzette Misrachi.
I will use the idea of a functional analysis of the person’s inner critic. I also love the idea of asking what they would fear most of the inner critic was left at the therapists office.
Thanks to all of you amazing therapists for sharing your wisdom and expertise!
Laura
In my naming and describing what the experience of shame is like … I will pay more attention to HOW I talk about that and engage the therapeutic space with the client with greater warmth to disarm the inner critic which can be both their and mine.
Thank you for this great session – my first in this free series: a great innovation for busy practitioners trying to fit in good CPD / CE with their schedule. We can be so isolated in our work and your team is really trying to, and effective in, bridging that gap between professionals in the caring profession. In today’s angry and blame filled world this work is increasingly important. Thank you.
Seeing shame as a safety warning/strategy was really helpful… protecting against the “threat of disconnection”. …Reconnection takes plc when we access Self-C. …Move to prosocial/caring about person who was hurt and then repair the rupture… even when that person is self. Love it! all of it – thank you. I often ask my clients to write letter of support and care and hope to their inner child – it’s time to similarly offer letter/message of care and love to their inner critic for all the hard work (retirement home for inner critics has an opening :)).
Many take-always. One of which is about how, when I have a compassionate tone in my voice, it actually creates more compassion in my heart and in my feelings toward the other and the self.
What a wonderful thing!! Something that I was initially frustrated or angry about, all of a sudden loses its negative valence and I no longer feel frustrated or angry about it. I feel more accepting and loving. Kathleen Powell, IL
This was a well organized presentation. I liked learning the importance of making amends to self if feeling guilty about a behavior self has done and using self parenting skills to heal. Thank you
Also liked the idea of constructing a compassionate coach inner parent with self correction.
This has been very helpful in trying to understand myself and my shame. The stories and word pictures and the techniques are great. I have a lot of shame and trauma and pain from childhood and adulthood. i am not sure i can overcome this inner critic. I am not a counselor and have severe depression and negative self talk and thoughts of suicide. I am not sure how i can get through this, especially with the situations we are in right now with no jobs or a home and feeling like a failure all the time. Thank you making these videos available.
Blessings to you Ruth and your team!
Really love Dennis’ use of humour as it resonates with the idea that clients in deep shame find too warm and empathic an approach actually mitigates against engagement. Shared laughter can be so soothing and healing. The idea of building a ‘designer’ compassionate companion is one I will definitely use more often …
I appreciate the compassion in the language of the speakers in this presentation and particularly could relate, as a practitioner, to the work/perspectives of Kirstin Neff and Dennis Tirch. I notice breakthroughs in my client’s work when we pay attention to parts of self and I heard this approach validated in this presentation. It was good to hear about the benefit of voice training. Thank you, all, for this presentation.
The functional analysis is a great tool to name. With this understanding, clients will understand themselves better and shift to a more compassionate and effective way to achieve the same goal. I love the two principle imagery suggestions. I will be using that in my work with clients.
Thank you to all for the hard work and knowledge that put this out there. I’d also like to say a Big thank you to all the comments that are filled with curiosity, insight, learning and bringing a sense of global community for myself.
The ‘I’ in illness is isolated; and the crucial letters in Wellness are ‘We’
I appreciate Jack Kornfield’s comment–that most therapy is about love.
I also enjoyed discussion about the strategy of using imagery to evoke a compassionate response. When using imagery, the client was encouraged to visualize a strong compassionate “other”, e.g. someone from a movie, a book, a supportive aunt. From a secular perspective, these compassionate others may readily come to mind. However, when I’ve worked with individuals with a Christian or other spiritual perspective, they may visualize the compassionate other as a loving, merciful, and forgiving God. While I was trained to side step the topic of spirituality in psychotherapy, my thinking has evolved. Shame, forgiveness, and self-acceptance have a spiritual component. If we aim to provide holistic care for our clients, the physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual dimensions need consideration.
I will definitely use the tools/ideas regarding compassion for the inner critic and for the client as his young self. I also like the idea of supporting the client in creating an inner mentor to carry with him.
Sadly I can’t afford the gold package. Really wish we had the option to pay in instalments. I would definitely purchase it then!
This catalyzed my perceiving and emotionally feeling the core of my transformative/alchemical inner work over a lifetime to create an inner loving, kind, understanding, accepting container/alembic. The creation of this inner loving container feels like the core from which a human being impacts all relationships in the world: self, other, clients, whomever & I would suggest even by simply being in the world, in presence, without necessarily intentionally interacting on an “outer” level. Much coalesced for me while listening to these insightful presentations – thank you!
It seems there’s a mix-up because I just signed up for this series but today the session is Part 3. Where is #1 and #2?
I often reflect that my clients want to be heard and understood and like Jack Kornfield it all boils down to love. How we achieve this acceptance of our clients perhaps reflects on our acceptance of ourselves.
Thank you for today’s session.
Thank you so much for the gift of this . I know my learning will bring a richness to my practice.
Art Therapist with adults with complex trauma and history of previously-incarcerated or formerly gang-involved who struggle mightily with shame, the inner-child self-compassion group work I’m privileged to facilitate at Homeboy Industries (Father Greg Boyle/Tattoos On The Heart) has both elevated and inspired the imagery work I use as well as have shared the necessary and very appreciated academic articles to support this work that – as both Jack Kornfield and Greg Boyle so often say – comes down to love.
Thank you so much for all the wonderful speakers and reference articles. Please come to the the annual Art Therapy Conference, we would all love to learn from you all!
Building a sense of compassion, and understanding the biological and emotional benefits is not that easy, but so important to get in attending patients to overcome their personal conflicts. Your guide on these issues is really useful. Thanks so much for sharing your highly valuable experience!
Tonal awareness in practice and guidance for clients.
You know, I am overwhelmed with take-aways from this particular mini-series. I feel so much gratitude to you Ruth and Ashley. I can see how hard you have worked on putting this whole, extensive programme together. This evening I have seen that this compassion-based approach is what I particularly need for me personally – like a missing piece. I can feel that I have some inner-connections to make within myself that will be having me soaring! I can feel it! And my dear clients…. well goodness me I feel so excited to share this with them. Oh, and to end the video with Jack Kornfield was perfect. I was undone! Many thanks from Cambridge UK
The other important take away was the part about the labeling and the tone of the compationate self or compationate other. My late father was a true story teller and used to tell about the couple who’s son was away from home, perhaps at university, and sent a Email saying “Father send money”. The father got incensed, and complained in a harsh voice ” He only writes when he needs something from us. He is a selfish bastard”. The mother looked at the Email and said, ” No you did not read it correctly. He sais (in a compasionate and suthing voice, Father, (please I need you), Send Mmoney (I am hurting)” and he ended by saying “It is the tone that creates the music” .
Only he said it in French.
Thanks for reminding me of his wisdom and his love.
I like the 3 circle system to think about emotions: the threat system, drive system, and soothing system. I used this with a client this week and it really helped her realize she was going back and forth between the first two and not enough of the caring system. It reminds me of self-management ways to cope (which come more from drive system) vs self-regulation (more from the soothing system).
The most important take for me was creating a compassionate other….As I can only remember being or feeling compassionate with another one time in my life.