I have been struggling with this question in other forms for a long time. I keep myself to myself so that others will not find out how boring and non creative I really am. “if they really knew me they would not like me” I am a very likable person when you first meet me and I rarely let someone get to know me beyond the surface.
Thank you for the insightful video.
In my daily work I meet parents who struggle with their parenthood. I find that the parents I meet in my daily work often put a large amount of blame on to them selves or their partner for failing parentship, or blaming their children for beeing bad ny nature and not considerate enough. Sometimes Blaming teachers for failing their task. They seem to tumble down in to a negative spiral that hurts the relationships, the stress increases and they tumble even furtherdown on that spiral of blame.
Lack of self acceptance cost me my marriage, is currently impacting my relationship to my you g adult children. I am learning to love every part of myself & let go of fear. Thank you!!
They have a tendency to avoid new relationships/ new friendships and may become codependent on the one or two they have , i.e., best friend, family member, and or partner.
It can be hard to get to how they really think of them self who they really are but can be hard to share to share those feeling. This could cause lack distrust fear of people hurting her as well not understanding her how she feels about herself.
Part of being vulnerable is to be open to admitting being wrong or mistaken and admitting that I have not had all the information in making the comment or statement.
I appreciate your devotion and commitment to strengthen our abilities toward healing us and those we serve. I am a retired LCSW, 85 years old and live in PV. Although I don’t have a private practice, I do volunteering work. I love and miss my clients and families.
I listen to you via U Tube. It is so very helpful, specially at this time of universal conflict . Thank you and I look forward to continue healing and loving life.
Thank you, Tara! To answer this question, my experience with clients has shown that their is an unease, underlying distress and lack of trust. It seems that joy and contentment are elusive. Not to mention the deep disparaging. Most clients will note feeling that they don’t feel worthy and fear is high. A shift in their feeling of worthiness and safety (emotionally safe to be flawed/human) in the relationship is essential.
Beautifully delivered -concise, clear and meaningful.
In the midst of divorce, what a valuable tool and teacher for those who have experienced this process. thank you 🙂
They stop reaching out for support from others, they stop being willing to just simply spend time with those they love and who care for them, and then anger builds between them and creates an even bigger wall.
I’ve recently realized that by hiding behind these perceived flaws, I keep myself small. I don’t show everyone my true self, my whole self and that in turn confuses others as they don’t really know who I am.
Dear Tara, you are so often in my Metta meditations where I am expressing my deep gratitude for the loving wisdom you have shared with me through your video trainings, just completed meditation and psychotherapy. I carry you in me, your smile, your friendliness, your loving compassion and wisdom, thanks so much.
In this video today, again, you say such simple things which are so pivotal in my awareness and growth as a therapist, now into my 40th year in this. “If you are happy with yourself, is it really possible to be angry or resentful of another? Such a confused state is certainly something to rain in on, to take a look at, a peek into a larger awareness, a larger self. I will share this simple wisdom with my clients, this yet, another gift from Tara.
Brooke Parsons, Health Education, Denver, CO, USAsays
That is so sweet and inspiring, Alan. Thank you for sharing that in a public way, and I just wanted to say that while I have nowhere near 40 years of study and experience in this world (I feel more like a baby coming into this), I feel very similarly about the last 9 months that I’ve spent with Tara. Thank you, Tara.
By keeping it to ourselves, and not sharing those parts of ourselves we don’t like , we cut ourselves off from the empathy and compassion of our partner, and their input. I find when I talk about difficult stuff with my partner, self doubt etc., it usually becomes a very productive conversation and brings us closer. But there has to be a high level of trust, and knowing that if our partner is honest with us, that it is from a place of love.
It’s also very lonely to keep everything that we consider hard to discuss like our insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and fear to ourselves. Sometimes I’m able to discuss these things and sometimes not. It’s hard to show these sides of ourselves. Requires lots of trust and love.
It makes it harder for them to trust and feel safe within a relationship. They don’t feel they can be themselves with other people and the circle can become smaller and smaller.
For me, the problem is that i really don’t know what it is that i don’t like about my self. Or why. It’s more a general feeling of shame and fear. I find this were difficult to work with and it often feels hopeless
Loved the video and definitely interested in how to access the sensations if intimate connection of the self to then connect in that way with their partner.
I surely hide my mental hillness problem…and now I’m facing a family problem where my boyfriend’s son has panic attack and drugs abuse. I would like him to do what I did to get acceptance in my life. I’m trying to help, but I put a lot of criticism on that path.
I judge him a lot, because I always judge myself a lot.
Thank to remind me that love is about caring for people starting with me.
Susan White, LCSW, Social Work, Antioch, IL, USAsays
When clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, they limit the ability to transform the hidden quality to what they perceive (or believe) they DO WANT or desire to be. Helping people become whole by identifying each quality, and the value of that quality, often begins the process of self-acceptance. Additionally, as a client evolves, there needs to be a holding environment of self-forgiveness. As the client begins to realize what he or she believed all along did not serve them, was inaccurate, or the quality itself was minimized or labeled as bad or wrong, the client has the ability to begin to move towards becoming whole – if they are willing.
Ellen Carlino, Psychotherapy, florence, MA, USAsays
Your video explanation is right on, succinct, clear. The questions to ask are to the point. I think body image, distortions of self-perception, are the hardest for people to accept, and to develop a new relationship to, and a healthier way to relate to themselves, and therefore allow others to love them. I’d love to hear how you break through not just the false beliefs, but distorted perceptions.
Daniel Marlowe, Psychotherapy, Portland, ME, USAsays
They become stuck and frozen in a worry that the other somehow believes in their inadequacies as if they might know the inadequacies they themselves have (but have never revealed to the other). It keeps people apart; in a way safe; and maintains the guard and self- defensivness. All of which, keeps the distance and fuels the fear of intimacy/vulnerability. Its all hard work, and not work that you can share casually with others. I think it’s work you have to do with yourself first and someone that is deeply trusted (and holds confidence). Once you have the words to it and the narrative, that is when you can share it in ways that do not scare or frighten others away who may be struggling with their own demons or who feel inadequate themselves to listening to someone else’s struggles.
Kathleen Ellers, LCMHC, Counseling, Morehead City, NC, USAsays
There is a lack of a feeling of safety in the relationship. Neither partner feels safe enough to be vulnerable and open up to the other. This effects every aspect of the relationship and partners will often stop communicating or go on “automatic” and just co-exist.
Thank you for this resource- love Tara Brach!
I appreciate this perspective. I am working with a client at the moment whose partner sounds a lot like the MD in your video. He is not involved in counselling directly and she is frustrated but not wanting to let go. He is pulling away. I am wondering what changes can she make that might entice him to reconsider and open up?
The bitter part is though, that the fear of rejection might be a realistic concern in some circumstances. Not everybody is able to react appropriadly to opening up. (Even if they said that they want exactly that.)
It happens that friends or partners go away when you start opening up about fear, shame, grief or sadness. The reasons are many: reactivating own trauma, not able to regulate own emotions, not accepting the “dark side” of themselves, strong patterns of avoiding undesired emotions, I-get-this-fixed-mindset …
It might be that the one who wants to open up, needs not to educate only her/himself but also the other person. And you can only hope that this person is ready and willing to do so.
I wish that there would be more discussion about the losses that can occur when you start to move in the direction of your own healing.
Ilsa Starling, Another Field, San Francisco, CA, USAsays
Yes, Claudia. I wish there was more dialogue about this, too. Thank you for naming some of the reasons why people might reject or abandon others who dare to be vulnerable. I think it’s much more common than we might be led to expect as we try to implement teachings like this, and a very real risk.
People learn to hide their vulnerability for good reasons. The assumption that the need to speak, and the willingness to risk it, will automatically elicit a compassionate response from a listener is a huge one, and a potentially dangerous blind spot.
It’s important to know “who” we are opening up to. To be able to recognize and gauge another’s true ability to be present, patient, receptive, kind and just listen without judging, coaching, criticizing, negating or trying to “fix” our experience. I’ve found these skills to be fairly rare. And, have lost quite a few seemingly caring friends who could not reciprocate the level of presence, listening, acceptance or care that I had offered them — in some cases for years — when my time came to need their support. Instead, many slowly drifted away, or suggested I “go talk to someone,” (meaning: someone else), or just checked themselves out of my life suddenly and forever, without explanation.
Clearly, these relationships were not everything I’d thought they’d been. Lesson learned. But, on top of the challenges I was facing at the time, their rejecting behaviour added deep pain, shame, disappointment and loss to the situation that further delayed my healing. Maybe, ultimately, it made me stronger, I don’t know… But, the emotional journey back was definitely also much longer and more arduous that it needed to be as a result of these interactions.
In general, we could probably all use more training and practice in how to really listen, focus our attention on others, and be compassionate and supportive without over-empathizing, reacting to, interrupting or interfering with what we’re hearing about an experience that isn’t even our own. These seem like basic and crucial, yet largely under-recognized and underdeveloped, skills; the missing half of the “vulnerability-for-good-relationships” equation.
I would love to see more teachings on, and prioritizing of, how to become that trustworthy listener for another. As well as clear guidance on how to discern and gauge for ourselves the true “trustworthiness” and “readiness to listen” of someone we are considering opening up to. And, perhaps most of all, what to do when we don’t find it — and don’t want to, or can’t, embark on years of talk therapy as an alternative.
Hello from Melbourne’s lock-down in Australia, author of: “Lives unseen: unacknowledged trauma of non-disordered, competent Adult Children Of Parents with a Severe Mental Illness”. It was lovely hearing Tara talk about “Shifting from self-criticism to self-acceptance and love” the examples were really good. It reminds me of the article I wrote on guilt and also shame, which I then put on medium.com for free access. Shifting from self-criticism to self-acceptance and love is a critical part of the work I do, which is essentially based on my research on an unacknowledged trauma (and grief). For anybody who may be interested, they just need to Google my name, Suzette Misrachi to access the research and articles. I always enjoy listening to Tara Brach.
Thanks for that reference, Suzette. I think it will be helpful in further research and so appreciate this information as my work with family systems it growing in need for more and more understanding for the individual and the actual joys of working with families as they put their life puzzle together. Knowledge is not just power but love when understood.
Marcia Harms, Marriage/Family Therapy, Bainbridge Island, WA, USAsays
Really enjoyed this presentation and especially the music used for focusing of ideas. Whoever put that together did a remarkable to match your presentation. Would love to fine out who did that audio along with your words.
I found this very helpful. I can really use those questions with my clients. I would love to be able to show this to my clients but with the language focused on the client and not practitioner. Many thanks
Ruth
I have been struggling with this question in other forms for a long time. I keep myself to myself so that others will not find out how boring and non creative I really am. “if they really knew me they would not like me” I am a very likable person when you first meet me and I rarely let someone get to know me beyond the surface.
Thank you for the insightful video.
That makes me unhappy and withdrawn and feeling unauthentic.
In my daily work I meet parents who struggle with their parenthood. I find that the parents I meet in my daily work often put a large amount of blame on to them selves or their partner for failing parentship, or blaming their children for beeing bad ny nature and not considerate enough. Sometimes Blaming teachers for failing their task. They seem to tumble down in to a negative spiral that hurts the relationships, the stress increases and they tumble even furtherdown on that spiral of blame.
Lack of self acceptance cost me my marriage, is currently impacting my relationship to my you g adult children. I am learning to love every part of myself & let go of fear. Thank you!!
They have a tendency to avoid new relationships/ new friendships and may become codependent on the one or two they have , i.e., best friend, family member, and or partner.
Not to be simplistic, but it can be used against you. Particularly by others who aren’t endeared to self cultivation.
It can be hard to get to how they really think of them self who they really are but can be hard to share to share those feeling. This could cause lack distrust fear of people hurting her as well not understanding her how she feels about herself.
This was a gift. Thank you
Fear of feeling vulnerable
The default defensive behaviors become barriers to connections and can be exacerbated into offensive reactions.
Part of being vulnerable is to be open to admitting being wrong or mistaken and admitting that I have not had all the information in making the comment or statement.
I appreciate your devotion and commitment to strengthen our abilities toward healing us and those we serve. I am a retired LCSW, 85 years old and live in PV. Although I don’t have a private practice, I do volunteering work. I love and miss my clients and families.
I listen to you via U Tube. It is so very helpful, specially at this time of universal conflict . Thank you and I look forward to continue healing and loving life.
Thank you, Tara! To answer this question, my experience with clients has shown that their is an unease, underlying distress and lack of trust. It seems that joy and contentment are elusive. Not to mention the deep disparaging. Most clients will note feeling that they don’t feel worthy and fear is high. A shift in their feeling of worthiness and safety (emotionally safe to be flawed/human) in the relationship is essential.
Beautifully delivered -concise, clear and meaningful.
In the midst of divorce, what a valuable tool and teacher for those who have experienced this process. thank you 🙂
The video offers a central insight about relationships—the need to signal trust by expressing vulnerabilities.
I find it hard to express what I’m feeling in a relationship.
They stop reaching out for support from others, they stop being willing to just simply spend time with those they love and who care for them, and then anger builds between them and creates an even bigger wall.
Does not leave yourself open <3 you must be open to receive ♥♥
I’ve recently realized that by hiding behind these perceived flaws, I keep myself small. I don’t show everyone my true self, my whole self and that in turn confuses others as they don’t really know who I am.
Thank you so much! This is illuminating for both my patients and my own relationships. Thank you!
Dear Tara, you are so often in my Metta meditations where I am expressing my deep gratitude for the loving wisdom you have shared with me through your video trainings, just completed meditation and psychotherapy. I carry you in me, your smile, your friendliness, your loving compassion and wisdom, thanks so much.
In this video today, again, you say such simple things which are so pivotal in my awareness and growth as a therapist, now into my 40th year in this. “If you are happy with yourself, is it really possible to be angry or resentful of another? Such a confused state is certainly something to rain in on, to take a look at, a peek into a larger awareness, a larger self. I will share this simple wisdom with my clients, this yet, another gift from Tara.
Blessings to you and all.
Alan
That is so sweet and inspiring, Alan. Thank you for sharing that in a public way, and I just wanted to say that while I have nowhere near 40 years of study and experience in this world (I feel more like a baby coming into this), I feel very similarly about the last 9 months that I’ve spent with Tara. Thank you, Tara.
Thanks, Tara. Very helpfull! Very clear approach to contempt & criticism – 2 of the 4 Horses of Appocalipse, as named by Dr John Gottman. Loved it !
By keeping it to ourselves, and not sharing those parts of ourselves we don’t like , we cut ourselves off from the empathy and compassion of our partner, and their input. I find when I talk about difficult stuff with my partner, self doubt etc., it usually becomes a very productive conversation and brings us closer. But there has to be a high level of trust, and knowing that if our partner is honest with us, that it is from a place of love.
It’s also very lonely to keep everything that we consider hard to discuss like our insecurities, feelings of inadequacy and fear to ourselves. Sometimes I’m able to discuss these things and sometimes not. It’s hard to show these sides of ourselves. Requires lots of trust and love.
Well said. Trust, true connection, relationship.
Thank you Tara, this was lovely and very helpful.
Tara, always generous, heartfelt, relevant and authentic. Thank you!!
It makes it harder for them to trust and feel safe within a relationship. They don’t feel they can be themselves with other people and the circle can become smaller and smaller.
For me, the problem is that i really don’t know what it is that i don’t like about my self. Or why. It’s more a general feeling of shame and fear. I find this were difficult to work with and it often feels hopeless
I guess they are not able to be fully themselves in the relationship which makes them uncomfortable with themselves and their partner.
Loved the video and definitely interested in how to access the sensations if intimate connection of the self to then connect in that way with their partner.
I surely hide my mental hillness problem…and now I’m facing a family problem where my boyfriend’s son has panic attack and drugs abuse. I would like him to do what I did to get acceptance in my life. I’m trying to help, but I put a lot of criticism on that path.
I judge him a lot, because I always judge myself a lot.
Thank to remind me that love is about caring for people starting with me.
Tara Brach. The most generous woman on the planet.
Thanks for this video. Very thoughtful and informative. Leaves you hopeful. Looking forward to the next.
When clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, they limit the ability to transform the hidden quality to what they perceive (or believe) they DO WANT or desire to be. Helping people become whole by identifying each quality, and the value of that quality, often begins the process of self-acceptance. Additionally, as a client evolves, there needs to be a holding environment of self-forgiveness. As the client begins to realize what he or she believed all along did not serve them, was inaccurate, or the quality itself was minimized or labeled as bad or wrong, the client has the ability to begin to move towards becoming whole – if they are willing.
Would it be please possible to receive a transcript of your above video. I do not have access to wi fi.
In advance, with appreciation for your response!
Perfect.. so true…thanks ?
We can all use more self love and compassion
Your video explanation is right on, succinct, clear. The questions to ask are to the point. I think body image, distortions of self-perception, are the hardest for people to accept, and to develop a new relationship to, and a healthier way to relate to themselves, and therefore allow others to love them. I’d love to hear how you break through not just the false beliefs, but distorted perceptions.
They may pretend to be who they think others want to see
Their own critical judgements sap the energy required to connect with openness to another
They become stuck and frozen in a worry that the other somehow believes in their inadequacies as if they might know the inadequacies they themselves have (but have never revealed to the other). It keeps people apart; in a way safe; and maintains the guard and self- defensivness. All of which, keeps the distance and fuels the fear of intimacy/vulnerability. Its all hard work, and not work that you can share casually with others. I think it’s work you have to do with yourself first and someone that is deeply trusted (and holds confidence). Once you have the words to it and the narrative, that is when you can share it in ways that do not scare or frighten others away who may be struggling with their own demons or who feel inadequate themselves to listening to someone else’s struggles.
There is a lack of a feeling of safety in the relationship. Neither partner feels safe enough to be vulnerable and open up to the other. This effects every aspect of the relationship and partners will often stop communicating or go on “automatic” and just co-exist.
Thank you for this resource- love Tara Brach!
I appreciate this perspective. I am working with a client at the moment whose partner sounds a lot like the MD in your video. He is not involved in counselling directly and she is frustrated but not wanting to let go. He is pulling away. I am wondering what changes can she make that might entice him to reconsider and open up?
They cannot be real and they may present a false sense of who they are. They will wear a mask when around others.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
The bitter part is though, that the fear of rejection might be a realistic concern in some circumstances. Not everybody is able to react appropriadly to opening up. (Even if they said that they want exactly that.)
It happens that friends or partners go away when you start opening up about fear, shame, grief or sadness. The reasons are many: reactivating own trauma, not able to regulate own emotions, not accepting the “dark side” of themselves, strong patterns of avoiding undesired emotions, I-get-this-fixed-mindset …
It might be that the one who wants to open up, needs not to educate only her/himself but also the other person. And you can only hope that this person is ready and willing to do so.
I wish that there would be more discussion about the losses that can occur when you start to move in the direction of your own healing.
Yes, Claudia. I wish there was more dialogue about this, too. Thank you for naming some of the reasons why people might reject or abandon others who dare to be vulnerable. I think it’s much more common than we might be led to expect as we try to implement teachings like this, and a very real risk.
People learn to hide their vulnerability for good reasons. The assumption that the need to speak, and the willingness to risk it, will automatically elicit a compassionate response from a listener is a huge one, and a potentially dangerous blind spot.
It’s important to know “who” we are opening up to. To be able to recognize and gauge another’s true ability to be present, patient, receptive, kind and just listen without judging, coaching, criticizing, negating or trying to “fix” our experience. I’ve found these skills to be fairly rare. And, have lost quite a few seemingly caring friends who could not reciprocate the level of presence, listening, acceptance or care that I had offered them — in some cases for years — when my time came to need their support. Instead, many slowly drifted away, or suggested I “go talk to someone,” (meaning: someone else), or just checked themselves out of my life suddenly and forever, without explanation.
Clearly, these relationships were not everything I’d thought they’d been. Lesson learned. But, on top of the challenges I was facing at the time, their rejecting behaviour added deep pain, shame, disappointment and loss to the situation that further delayed my healing. Maybe, ultimately, it made me stronger, I don’t know… But, the emotional journey back was definitely also much longer and more arduous that it needed to be as a result of these interactions.
In general, we could probably all use more training and practice in how to really listen, focus our attention on others, and be compassionate and supportive without over-empathizing, reacting to, interrupting or interfering with what we’re hearing about an experience that isn’t even our own. These seem like basic and crucial, yet largely under-recognized and underdeveloped, skills; the missing half of the “vulnerability-for-good-relationships” equation.
I would love to see more teachings on, and prioritizing of, how to become that trustworthy listener for another. As well as clear guidance on how to discern and gauge for ourselves the true “trustworthiness” and “readiness to listen” of someone we are considering opening up to. And, perhaps most of all, what to do when we don’t find it — and don’t want to, or can’t, embark on years of talk therapy as an alternative.
Thank you, Tara. I always enjoy listening to you.
Hello from Melbourne’s lock-down in Australia, author of: “Lives unseen: unacknowledged trauma of non-disordered, competent Adult Children Of Parents with a Severe Mental Illness”. It was lovely hearing Tara talk about “Shifting from self-criticism to self-acceptance and love” the examples were really good. It reminds me of the article I wrote on guilt and also shame, which I then put on medium.com for free access. Shifting from self-criticism to self-acceptance and love is a critical part of the work I do, which is essentially based on my research on an unacknowledged trauma (and grief). For anybody who may be interested, they just need to Google my name, Suzette Misrachi to access the research and articles. I always enjoy listening to Tara Brach.
Thanks for that reference, Suzette. I think it will be helpful in further research and so appreciate this information as my work with family systems it growing in need for more and more understanding for the individual and the actual joys of working with families as they put their life puzzle together. Knowledge is not just power but love when understood.
Very practical and helpful. Appreciate the steps and exercises to guide the client to greater internal self awareness.
Really enjoyed this presentation and especially the music used for focusing of ideas. Whoever put that together did a remarkable to match your presentation. Would love to fine out who did that audio along with your words.
Thank you very much for sharing your understandings on relationships and management.
thanks for another gem Ruth! Your wisdom is great and thanks for sharing so freely.
I found this very helpful. I can really use those questions with my clients. I would love to be able to show this to my clients but with the language focused on the client and not practitioner. Many thanks
Ruth