I’m answering about myself. It leaves me tired and frequently worrying that I’ll be found out and something bad will happen, I then look for other things to fix and solve. I think this quashes love, trust, compassion between me and those I’m in relationship with.
This is a lovely presentation and so true. I currently have a client who has just begun to realise she needs to make this change but doesn’t know how. I look forward to the next section. Thank you.
What am I trying to hide??? –
All the ups and downs of ego consciousness: impatience, enthousiasm, anger, stress… but most of all, the disenchantment of the world in which we all live. I prefer to keep away from all that disturb the peace of mind I try so hard to establish within myself. At the same time, I recognise that the world is showing me something I may want to hide within myself. So, I work hard on staying open to the situation and to accept that all this is the works of the Divine. This way I can take the lesson, have a better understanding of myself and grow into higher consciousness. But its hard and I badly need silence in my life, so to quiet the mind, to quiet the thinking ego. And when I go take a walk in nature, I truly connect with it. This is my way of healing my broken heart and to find peace within. I recognise that I live in this world but fundamentally, I am not of it. I badly want to profondly acknowledge in every one of my cells, that I am not the thinking mind that gives rise to the words and deeds it generates.
When a baby or small child is not hugged and looked at and told how wonderful he is and loved, he feels he does not exist and that is the beginning of the cycle.
That is why Bowlby said that the best institution is worse than the worst family environment where the baby has a fixed caretaker and at least feels he exists even if he is not well taken care of.
Thank you for the beginning of an important teaching about the importance of self-acceptance and compassion with ourselves and others. I am looking forward to the following segments.
Self-criticism is often hidden, and includes shameful feelings. Hiding usually creates distance and increases isolation. If this is a deep rooted pattern, and it often is, I would undress it slowly over several sessions. I wrote a poem about hiding (see below) – it is also a skill, and a survival strategy. When coming out into the open – naked and vulnerable, a new skill need to be learned that is equally as strong as the hiding skills. How long does it take to learn self-acceptence?
BEING SEEN
so you think you see me
you can’t see me not really
you only pretend to see me
its all in your imagination
no one ever sees me I hide
even out in the open I’m an
invisible shadow safely camouflaged
like a pheasant sitting on her eggs
no one will ever see me or will they
will I let you see me who sees me
sees nothing will I give you permission
to see me completely what do I fear
being found out what will you find out
perhaps there’s nothing to me you’ll look
and look and look and you’ll see nothing
there’s nothing to see
I don’t exist I pretend
to be here but I’m elsewhere absent
unborn disembodied skirting the galaxy
I float in a time warp of faded memory
seen unseen seen again
Sweet, Sour and Serious, Survivors’ Press Scotland, Glasgow 1996
Thank you for addressing a need and situation that is universal. Thank you for the work you have done in the field of self-acceptance. I look forward to delving further into your offerings and wisdom.
Thank you Tara. This is really helpful to understand and to realise the need to break the cycle of self criticism that affects our lives and relationships with others.
If parts are hidden, the whole person cannot be seen, experienced, understood. Relationships, whether personal or professional can be built on trust and open honesty, enabling a deeper connection and better ability to help and understand. When aspects of self are denied, those parts cannot be healed until they are looked at. Relationships won’t be as wholesome – they may even end if such hiding is seen as lying or betrayal. Shine the light on our shadows!
Thank you, that was insightful and helpful, for myself, and for my clients. I was surprised to see 2 minutes into this talk a clip of myself with a friend. We are both actors and it was a clip from a play we were in together. I am wondering how it came to be in this talk.
Thank you also for your book Radical Acceptance.
Kind regards
Rev Suzanne Dance
In this video it is important that Tara highlights the main belief of feeling less worthy in relationship as one that should be acknowledged in marriage.
It is important partners to be aware that criticism and blaming each other can destroy the marriage /friendships/relationships in general.
In this explanatory video Tara is clear that self judgment or judging others puts a barrier to a healthy relationship and that it pulls partners or couples apart from each other.
Thank you for sharing such a valuable knowledge Tara!
Thank-you warmly for your heartfelt work and presentation and offering the world help in your presentations.
the way I see it Nothing is hidden, If I am “thinking I am hiding something that I don’t like about myself”, it will present itself in my behaviour and body language – can’t hide from it.
I am blessed that I engaged onto a spiritual path of meditation and mindfulness as this has helped me to befriend myself, those parts that I was judgemental about and live a more meaningful loving life and learn not to judge myself and others and if it pops up in my mind I have the tools to mindfully work with it and forgive myself on the spot for my minds mental chatter.
The challenge for me is when I encounter hardships is to remain compassionate open with others where my trust is broken in, the challenge is to not judge, it takes courage, patience and time to heal and to move forward finding new loving compassionate welcoming friendships and communities.
What I don’t like about myself is that when I feel very hurt I withdraw and that is very painful, leaving me feeling isolated and lonely. Its an ongoing self exploration and finding new nourishing ways to not fall into the withdrawal, withdrawal is also a natural response to protect oneself, especially when their is a trauma history,
so it remains a tricky one for myself and my insight brings me that I must set my boundary clearly in time and I have learned a very hard lesson on my spiritual journey, the next time for myself I will make damn sure with whom am I getting involved………….knowing life has no guarantees, yet hopeful and pray good relationships will unfold again.
Thank-you warmly for your voice and heart Tara Brach, Bless your kind heart and thank-you for your series of video’s.
It seems their relationships lack a certain depth of connection that makes them both feel real or normal and safe enough to be themselves or even talk about it. Their lack of self-acceptance and related fears fester and cause an infection in the health of the relationship and makes it difficult for love to grow.
Nancy Brown, Psychotherapy, New Bedford, MA, USAsays
I like your understanding of the video. I See couples in my practice and think about The individuals in The relationships that cannot communicate well. It is a barrier that needs to be worked on first. Any insights about this?
I found this video very helpful both personally and professionally. Tara has a gift for presenting with great clarity. Many thanks to Nicabm for the free access.
Really love what you speak to, Tara! And it is so(!) hard to believe the “It is not your fault” and that believing that won’t mean that nothing will change the next time around. The inner judge is way powerful!
Thank you for the work you do.
Aha! I have had a battle with my insecurity and self-doubt – which I have too readily shared with others rather than hiding it. Trouble is that It has fuelled co-dependency, making it easier for my partner to “keep” me. And now I am having the courage to move away from him, at least temporarily, he is very hurt that I am doing so – although I have to say he is shoeing respect for my new-found autonomy, and it’s not the end of our story ..
Hiding means the partner does not have the chance to truly love the other person . They are in a relationship with someone wearing a mask of some type . True, unconditional love can only be experienced when a person is real and feels accepted , warts and all.
I criticise my husband for things I don’t like in myself. I think it is oddly enough for two quite opposing reasons:
1) if I criticise him as being at least as bad as I am or even worse than I am in something (e.g. being lazy, being lazy, being distracted, not being generous enough etc.) I feel that my faults in the same areas are less exposed, somehow. As if by focusing on his faults I could better hide mine 🙂
2) if he were more generous, or more energetic, etc. WE as a couple would be and I wouldn’t need to make the effort. I would like to us to have a tidy home but I am sometimes too lazy to tidy up, so if only he did it, we would have a tidy home…
I see how silly that sounds written down, how childish, really, but that is how it seems to be for me. And then, at the end I think that if he were e.g. more generous I would feel even more resentful as actually that would make me seem and feel even less so. Not very helpful at all.
Oh NO! I thought I put the video on hold when I was interrupted by my daughter, but it in fact kept running and now I cannot hear the rest. But from the intor and rom the very title question, I am triggered to delve…not really looking forward to facing some realities, but know the end will be worth it…I hope
I often think of myself as lazy. I have so many talents that I could have developed if I had worked harder. I could still do creative things if I would just have more discipline. And yet, I have done a lot of creative and porta this thin m life. Sometimes I don’t eat as well as I would like because I’m too lazy to cook, and especially too lazy to wash the dreaded dishes! I know I would be happier if I got out my watercolors; if I played my guitar and sang; if I wrote the book I’ve been thinking about for twenty years. I have done great research that I could have developed into some good articles. But I don’t follow through. Be thing this “laziness” does is, pre-Covid, it kept me from inviting people to my ADD somewhat messy and not-quite-clean-enough house. Social distancing “”protects me” from having others see these flaws. I like myself (though I didn’t always) and I find joy in life (though I didn’t always), but this ADD “laziness” gnaws at me and I’m quite sure keeps me in a protective stance around others (if they only knew that this successful, creative, progressive person — me –is really a slob…, and doesn’t use her talents, and…” I guess this self judgment keeps me somewhat isolated and guarded, although now I can blame my isolation on the pandemic.
It robs their significant other the opportunity to provide unconditional love for starters. If they feel like they won’t be loved if they are fully seen, they will never let themselves be seen … so they never feel fully loved! It’s a vicious circle, one I’m familiar with. Breaking down those barriers can be excruciating, but definitely worth the investment of time, energy, and vulnerability that it will take.
I believe connection becomes inauthentic. Fear of criticism, shame, unworthiness
closes the heart. Ability to truly listen to partner gets over shadowed by judgement + defensive posturing. Creativity + fun do not flow freely.
Well, after working with someone over time, as trust is developed, what people fear or dislike about themselves becomes exposed. Self-doubt is part of the human condition. Patients and all humans benefit from acceptance to heal the wounds of self-doubt and their concerns about abandonment.
Hiding the aspects of myself that I don’t like forces me to be in relationships with others as a projection of myself that isn’t complete. And that is really hard work to keep up, because ongoing in my inner self is the ongoing effort to translate my real experience into my perceivable affects. It’s really tiring, and yet incredibly hard to stop because it is so scary to change in front of others.
What I don’t want other to know about myself is that I feel insecure and I do not always know what to do and what’s best. That I simply sometimes do not know. That I do fearcily need my personal space and very little things when crossing the limits, upset me very much. That I might not be interesting enough. That sometimes people I love are just too much and I want to have them away. I feel embarassed when I don’t feel like what I have considered I should feel. That I actually deeply care about how they see me and that I want to be liked.
One of my core beliefs is that my expression of myself, what I think, how i feel, the way i express it, is wrong or unlikeable. I am afraid that what I say is not ok somehow. I am afraid of people thinking I’m a big mouth because i do like to talk and share. I oscillate between being afraid of what people might think and not expressing myself, and, talking a lot and then worrying I took up too much air time/space.
I watch a lot of your talks and have a post it note on my wall at the moment that reads:
May I trust my goodness 🙂
Great food for thoughts. I do not want others to think I am lazy, have no ambition. Mostly I do not want them to know that I have been selfish in my life and feel very badly about that. Especially since I am a mother and mothers are not supposed to be like that. Selfishness would be my biggest fear.
Karen Wynkoop, Another Field, Norwich, VT, USAsays
What I dislike most about myself is when I think other people are judging me and treating me accordingly by telling me what I have done wrong and what I should do. I then have a knee jerk reaction of anger and resentment and say or do things that are harsh and create further separation between us. I now see this as my part in the breakdown of a couple relationships that are Important to me. After seeing how my response creates a cycle that continues with self recrimination, guilt and shame, I want to change this in myself, however, I am afraid that I will not be able to stop my reactions as they have become habitual. I have worked with it in my Spiritual practice, with a therapist and a 12-step sponsor and I’m feeling more hopeful that with time and intention, I can change this behavior and help to heal these relationships. I have listened to your talks, teachings and meditations for years and know they have contributed greatly to progress on my spiritual path. I know there cannot be a quick fix or change instantly and I am willing to work on it, so I am looking forward to this series of talks to help me on this journey. Thank you! Karen
What I don’t like about myself that I don’t want my friends to know is my compulsiveness. I like to have “my space” so clean that I don’t even invent anyone to my house. I am afraid that other people are dirty and track dirt into my space.
When I hide the parts of me that I don’t like, I am only half present in my relationships. My feelings and my true character is blocked and others relate less easily to me.
I’m answering about myself. It leaves me tired and frequently worrying that I’ll be found out and something bad will happen, I then look for other things to fix and solve. I think this quashes love, trust, compassion between me and those I’m in relationship with.
This is a lovely presentation and so true. I currently have a client who has just begun to realise she needs to make this change but doesn’t know how. I look forward to the next section. Thank you.
What am I trying to hide??? –
All the ups and downs of ego consciousness: impatience, enthousiasm, anger, stress… but most of all, the disenchantment of the world in which we all live. I prefer to keep away from all that disturb the peace of mind I try so hard to establish within myself. At the same time, I recognise that the world is showing me something I may want to hide within myself. So, I work hard on staying open to the situation and to accept that all this is the works of the Divine. This way I can take the lesson, have a better understanding of myself and grow into higher consciousness. But its hard and I badly need silence in my life, so to quiet the mind, to quiet the thinking ego. And when I go take a walk in nature, I truly connect with it. This is my way of healing my broken heart and to find peace within. I recognise that I live in this world but fundamentally, I am not of it. I badly want to profondly acknowledge in every one of my cells, that I am not the thinking mind that gives rise to the words and deeds it generates.
It creates a sense of deep emotional disconnect, the opposite of what we both longing for, a safe place.
When a baby or small child is not hugged and looked at and told how wonderful he is and loved, he feels he does not exist and that is the beginning of the cycle.
That is why Bowlby said that the best institution is worse than the worst family environment where the baby has a fixed caretaker and at least feels he exists even if he is not well taken care of.
Thank you for the beginning of an important teaching about the importance of self-acceptance and compassion with ourselves and others. I am looking forward to the following segments.
Self-criticism is often hidden, and includes shameful feelings. Hiding usually creates distance and increases isolation. If this is a deep rooted pattern, and it often is, I would undress it slowly over several sessions. I wrote a poem about hiding (see below) – it is also a skill, and a survival strategy. When coming out into the open – naked and vulnerable, a new skill need to be learned that is equally as strong as the hiding skills. How long does it take to learn self-acceptence?
BEING SEEN
so you think you see me
you can’t see me not really
you only pretend to see me
its all in your imagination
no one ever sees me I hide
even out in the open I’m an
invisible shadow safely camouflaged
like a pheasant sitting on her eggs
no one will ever see me or will they
will I let you see me who sees me
sees nothing will I give you permission
to see me completely what do I fear
being found out what will you find out
perhaps there’s nothing to me you’ll look
and look and look and you’ll see nothing
there’s nothing to see
I don’t exist I pretend
to be here but I’m elsewhere absent
unborn disembodied skirting the galaxy
I float in a time warp of faded memory
seen unseen seen again
Sweet, Sour and Serious, Survivors’ Press Scotland, Glasgow 1996
Thank you – some helpful thoughts.
They may avoid/deny these feelings which creates greater distance when they deny themselves and their experience in the relationship.
They put up a wall and end up feeling less connected to others. Then they feel even more disgust with themselves and it becomes a cycle.
Thank you for addressing a need and situation that is universal. Thank you for the work you have done in the field of self-acceptance. I look forward to delving further into your offerings and wisdom.
Thank you
I agree with everything you say. So well explained. Self criticism can be so damaging.
Thank you Tara. This is really helpful to understand and to realise the need to break the cycle of self criticism that affects our lives and relationships with others.
thanks for making these vidoes freely available, and especially at such an important time.
If parts are hidden, the whole person cannot be seen, experienced, understood. Relationships, whether personal or professional can be built on trust and open honesty, enabling a deeper connection and better ability to help and understand. When aspects of self are denied, those parts cannot be healed until they are looked at. Relationships won’t be as wholesome – they may even end if such hiding is seen as lying or betrayal. Shine the light on our shadows!
Thank You so much for sharing Your deep insights! Recognizing the hidden connections will help me a lot in both my private and profesional context!
Always good to hear about this topic, not sure there can ever be enough said.
Thank you, that was insightful and helpful, for myself, and for my clients. I was surprised to see 2 minutes into this talk a clip of myself with a friend. We are both actors and it was a clip from a play we were in together. I am wondering how it came to be in this talk.
Thank you also for your book Radical Acceptance.
Kind regards
Rev Suzanne Dance
In this video it is important that Tara highlights the main belief of feeling less worthy in relationship as one that should be acknowledged in marriage.
It is important partners to be aware that criticism and blaming each other can destroy the marriage /friendships/relationships in general.
In this explanatory video Tara is clear that self judgment or judging others puts a barrier to a healthy relationship and that it pulls partners or couples apart from each other.
Thank you for sharing such a valuable knowledge Tara!
thank you!
REALLY INTERESTING…..very useful. Something we often know but don’t always remember. Thank you.
Makes me feel distant and alone.
Thank-you warmly for your heartfelt work and presentation and offering the world help in your presentations.
the way I see it Nothing is hidden, If I am “thinking I am hiding something that I don’t like about myself”, it will present itself in my behaviour and body language – can’t hide from it.
I am blessed that I engaged onto a spiritual path of meditation and mindfulness as this has helped me to befriend myself, those parts that I was judgemental about and live a more meaningful loving life and learn not to judge myself and others and if it pops up in my mind I have the tools to mindfully work with it and forgive myself on the spot for my minds mental chatter.
The challenge for me is when I encounter hardships is to remain compassionate open with others where my trust is broken in, the challenge is to not judge, it takes courage, patience and time to heal and to move forward finding new loving compassionate welcoming friendships and communities.
What I don’t like about myself is that when I feel very hurt I withdraw and that is very painful, leaving me feeling isolated and lonely. Its an ongoing self exploration and finding new nourishing ways to not fall into the withdrawal, withdrawal is also a natural response to protect oneself, especially when their is a trauma history,
so it remains a tricky one for myself and my insight brings me that I must set my boundary clearly in time and I have learned a very hard lesson on my spiritual journey, the next time for myself I will make damn sure with whom am I getting involved………….knowing life has no guarantees, yet hopeful and pray good relationships will unfold again.
Thank-you warmly for your voice and heart Tara Brach, Bless your kind heart and thank-you for your series of video’s.
It seems their relationships lack a certain depth of connection that makes them both feel real or normal and safe enough to be themselves or even talk about it. Their lack of self-acceptance and related fears fester and cause an infection in the health of the relationship and makes it difficult for love to grow.
I like your understanding of the video. I See couples in my practice and think about The individuals in The relationships that cannot communicate well. It is a barrier that needs to be worked on first. Any insights about this?
Thank you for your work! You are making this world a better place.
Thanks
I found this video very helpful both personally and professionally. Tara has a gift for presenting with great clarity. Many thanks to Nicabm for the free access.
Really love what you speak to, Tara! And it is so(!) hard to believe the “It is not your fault” and that believing that won’t mean that nothing will change the next time around. The inner judge is way powerful!
Thank you for the work you do.
Aha! I have had a battle with my insecurity and self-doubt – which I have too readily shared with others rather than hiding it. Trouble is that It has fuelled co-dependency, making it easier for my partner to “keep” me. And now I am having the courage to move away from him, at least temporarily, he is very hurt that I am doing so – although I have to say he is shoeing respect for my new-found autonomy, and it’s not the end of our story ..
Hiding means the partner does not have the chance to truly love the other person . They are in a relationship with someone wearing a mask of some type . True, unconditional love can only be experienced when a person is real and feels accepted , warts and all.
I criticise my husband for things I don’t like in myself. I think it is oddly enough for two quite opposing reasons:
1) if I criticise him as being at least as bad as I am or even worse than I am in something (e.g. being lazy, being lazy, being distracted, not being generous enough etc.) I feel that my faults in the same areas are less exposed, somehow. As if by focusing on his faults I could better hide mine 🙂
2) if he were more generous, or more energetic, etc. WE as a couple would be and I wouldn’t need to make the effort. I would like to us to have a tidy home but I am sometimes too lazy to tidy up, so if only he did it, we would have a tidy home…
I see how silly that sounds written down, how childish, really, but that is how it seems to be for me. And then, at the end I think that if he were e.g. more generous I would feel even more resentful as actually that would make me seem and feel even less so. Not very helpful at all.
Oh NO! I thought I put the video on hold when I was interrupted by my daughter, but it in fact kept running and now I cannot hear the rest. But from the intor and rom the very title question, I am triggered to delve…not really looking forward to facing some realities, but know the end will be worth it…I hope
Happened to me too. Go back to Email and start Over.
I often think of myself as lazy. I have so many talents that I could have developed if I had worked harder. I could still do creative things if I would just have more discipline. And yet, I have done a lot of creative and porta this thin m life. Sometimes I don’t eat as well as I would like because I’m too lazy to cook, and especially too lazy to wash the dreaded dishes! I know I would be happier if I got out my watercolors; if I played my guitar and sang; if I wrote the book I’ve been thinking about for twenty years. I have done great research that I could have developed into some good articles. But I don’t follow through. Be thing this “laziness” does is, pre-Covid, it kept me from inviting people to my ADD somewhat messy and not-quite-clean-enough house. Social distancing “”protects me” from having others see these flaws. I like myself (though I didn’t always) and I find joy in life (though I didn’t always), but this ADD “laziness” gnaws at me and I’m quite sure keeps me in a protective stance around others (if they only knew that this successful, creative, progressive person — me –is really a slob…, and doesn’t use her talents, and…” I guess this self judgment keeps me somewhat isolated and guarded, although now I can blame my isolation on the pandemic.
Emptiness
Bad
It robs their significant other the opportunity to provide unconditional love for starters. If they feel like they won’t be loved if they are fully seen, they will never let themselves be seen … so they never feel fully loved! It’s a vicious circle, one I’m familiar with. Breaking down those barriers can be excruciating, but definitely worth the investment of time, energy, and vulnerability that it will take.
Thank you for sharing this!
I believe connection becomes inauthentic. Fear of criticism, shame, unworthiness
closes the heart. Ability to truly listen to partner gets over shadowed by judgement + defensive posturing. Creativity + fun do not flow freely.
Well, after working with someone over time, as trust is developed, what people fear or dislike about themselves becomes exposed. Self-doubt is part of the human condition. Patients and all humans benefit from acceptance to heal the wounds of self-doubt and their concerns about abandonment.
I’m not the real me, in fact I don’t know the real me.
Hiding the aspects of myself that I don’t like forces me to be in relationships with others as a projection of myself that isn’t complete. And that is really hard work to keep up, because ongoing in my inner self is the ongoing effort to translate my real experience into my perceivable affects. It’s really tiring, and yet incredibly hard to stop because it is so scary to change in front of others.
What I don’t want other to know about myself is that I feel insecure and I do not always know what to do and what’s best. That I simply sometimes do not know. That I do fearcily need my personal space and very little things when crossing the limits, upset me very much. That I might not be interesting enough. That sometimes people I love are just too much and I want to have them away. I feel embarassed when I don’t feel like what I have considered I should feel. That I actually deeply care about how they see me and that I want to be liked.
Shame about their unworthiness,
Almost self loathing and sense of inadequacy
Never good enough
One of my core beliefs is that my expression of myself, what I think, how i feel, the way i express it, is wrong or unlikeable. I am afraid that what I say is not ok somehow. I am afraid of people thinking I’m a big mouth because i do like to talk and share. I oscillate between being afraid of what people might think and not expressing myself, and, talking a lot and then worrying I took up too much air time/space.
I watch a lot of your talks and have a post it note on my wall at the moment that reads:
May I trust my goodness 🙂
Thank you this was very kind. And our world needs this right now. Dr Dennison.
Great food for thoughts. I do not want others to think I am lazy, have no ambition. Mostly I do not want them to know that I have been selfish in my life and feel very badly about that. Especially since I am a mother and mothers are not supposed to be like that. Selfishness would be my biggest fear.
What I dislike most about myself is when I think other people are judging me and treating me accordingly by telling me what I have done wrong and what I should do. I then have a knee jerk reaction of anger and resentment and say or do things that are harsh and create further separation between us. I now see this as my part in the breakdown of a couple relationships that are Important to me. After seeing how my response creates a cycle that continues with self recrimination, guilt and shame, I want to change this in myself, however, I am afraid that I will not be able to stop my reactions as they have become habitual. I have worked with it in my Spiritual practice, with a therapist and a 12-step sponsor and I’m feeling more hopeful that with time and intention, I can change this behavior and help to heal these relationships. I have listened to your talks, teachings and meditations for years and know they have contributed greatly to progress on my spiritual path. I know there cannot be a quick fix or change instantly and I am willing to work on it, so I am looking forward to this series of talks to help me on this journey. Thank you! Karen
What I don’t like about myself that I don’t want my friends to know is my compulsiveness. I like to have “my space” so clean that I don’t even invent anyone to my house. I am afraid that other people are dirty and track dirt into my space.
What we keep secret is what keeps us sick.
When I hide the parts of me that I don’t like, I am only half present in my relationships. My feelings and my true character is blocked and others relate less easily to me.
The more critical I am of others, the less able I am able to receive compassion of my own imperfections….
It has kept me from engaging in a serious long term relationship for 7 years.