I want the confidence to expose my inner self to others without hurting them or saying something to agree with them when I don’t mean it. I want to have clear boundaries. I want to be myself, whole and complete. Annie
Julianne Rose, Stress Management, St pete, FL, USAsays
Hiding what I don’t like about myself makes me craft a persona of who I think others want me to be. That can cause me to overextend myself and become resentful for them taking too much of my energy
Been following similar ideas for a long time. The pandemic takes it to a deeper level. Really good talk!!! Belonging—-Long for Being. Being is found in non-controlling open-ness. Like that first 2 minutes you dive right in.
First they are left with the fear of being “found out” and secondly they work to control the flow between and in relationship and third as suggested by Orlaith they fail to be genuinely authentic……this usually is detected by a close partner and then is perceived as inauthentic and “not to be trusted”…..particularly with a partner requiring high levels of trust for their own needs this can be catastrophic….
Thank you very much for your video. Because of the time we are living at the momente , it is very important to know as much as we can about relationships,
people are living closer than ever and that is becoming very difficult for some of them.
It stops them from having genuine authentic relationships. People judge them then on how they present which isn’t their true self. There’s a lack of trust because they don’t trust the other person with who they really are but they are also protecting themselves. They gently need to be reminded that maybe their old coping mechanisms are no longer relevant in the life they are living now.
Michele Place, Physical Therapy, Santa Rosa, CA, USAsays
I don’t have clients but watching for myself. When you asked the question, “What do you most judge about yourself?”, I immediately heard, “I don’t do enough.” I have a business, have raised three boys, one with Aspergers, and yet I don’t feel like I’m every doing enough. Self doubt and the need to be center of attention, and never doing enough, stop me from dropping in, accepting myself, and opening up to intimacy. I feel self imposed pressure and it comes out as criticism and judgement of those I am closest too. Of course the effect is they don’t want to be intimate either. Our crazy strategies. Thank you so much for this!
Mari Weiss, Another Field, Los Angeles, CA, USAsays
I am highly sensitive and often struggle with depression and while I have a few friends I feel can accept that, I hide it or mask it from others whom I fear will judge me for it. This has led to huge misunderstandings and in my feeling even MORE sensitive around them because I’m working so hard to be “fine” that I lose touch with what is really going on inside and then I have an even bigger emotional response to a slight or a hurt which brings a negative response from them and it snowballs from there
The client who hides what they don’t like about themselves is pushing a very real side of the self away. They will be behaving inauthentically and not be truly connecting in their relationships, and by hiding parts of themselves, end up feeling lonely and isolated.
Tara offers some simple advice: observe your thoughts, feel the feelings (and exploring what’s under them) and offer yourself gestures of kindness. The practice has to be deliberate and often, but It’s never too late for self forgiveness and compassion which then extends itself to others. Thank you for offering these videos.
Hi Tara. Thanks for all you do. Hiding what I don’t like about myself leads to fear of others. A paranoia that everyone is out to get me. That I’ll displease someone because I am displeasing, and they’ll reject me and abandon me. So, with this fear, I isolate and avoid relationships. And the fear grows. So I hide these unlikeable things even more, and spiral down in despair in this cycle.
I’ve learned it’s better to risk being displeasing, to be honest about myself. If someone judges me, let them judge. Offer thoughts of loving kindness towards them. The more real I am, the more I see that I am loved. And the more real I am. A positive cycle of loving kindness for me and others.
Mara Robbins, Another Field, Glen Allen , VA, USAsays
We are mirrors for each other. I am grateful for the opportunity to uncover my own barriers to love and belonging so that as they are reflected back to me I can view others with compassion and love. <3
It keeps us in a repetitive pattern of looking outside of ourselves for something or someone to make us feel better about ourselves… and this can lead us To feeling Disappointed/ powerless/ victim to circumstances that we chose Which can further lead us to a toxic self-blame/shame cycle about who we are…
Thank you for this Tara! When we hide our “dirty little secrets”, our primary relationship never has the opportunity to fully bloom. It becomes a patch work that is stitched together loosely. It becomes a relationship full of blame and resentment when you hide your truth, and for those of us who are conditioned to react rather than respond, it becomes a game of seeking the chaos to counter the fear. What is the fear? Fear of judgement, rejection, abandonment … I deeply believe that when we find our fears and walk with them, that we create one of the best relationships in our life: the bountiful
relationship with fear.
Less intimacy in relationships as they only project/show their competencies or acceptable parts. They are busy hiding/repressing part of who they are which takes up a lot of energy. Thus, they are judging not only themselves but also others for having these qualities which they dont like. The other person also might sense this judgement which feels like conditionality. Ultimately they dont feel truly connected to the other.
I have been feeling really judgemental towards my husband, despite all the development work I have done on myself. Thanks for helping me to understand Tara. I have used your Radical acceptance programme before and really need to revisit this again. Many thanks.
My mood oscillates between energetic and vibrant and lethargic and lost. I tend to hide the lethargic/lost part to people who aren’t close to me. i am staro see it as a strength
I feel unloveable because I have been fighting illness that makes it so I can’t contribute to my home financially or in many other ways. It has cut us off from deep connection but I don’t know how to accept physical pain 24/7 as who I am now. This is not the life we had for 20 years. I am afraid she will leave me.
I like all of this and I have a question. Contempt is ultimate anger with someone with a core belief that the other person is for example, ‘lazy, like a child, etc’ make ‘our life harder’ (like really really hard, whereby we have to do ‘too much’ and are exhausted or that our deep needs will never be met and we have to constantly sacrifice ourselves); where we believe the other person simply do not care about our well being and puts their own above ours without appreciation or acknowledgement of what we have been doing with no plan to change and give to some of our fundamental needs to have happiness, peace and vitality. When said when we ‘act’ with this kind of contempt towards our partner it is because we are feeling insecure and I feel it’s more complicated than that. Is it because our partners are truly not giving to our fundamental relational need that we then internalize to reinforce our invisible narrative that we are not lovable because we are for some reason ‘less’, and that makes us insecure? I think it is part truth, but with dual awareness there is also a justifiable anger because of the injustice. Will this be addressed? Because we could get unhealthy messages that all our pain is because our our insecurities and to stay in the window of ‘what it is to be human and human needs’ and not abort into ‘transcendence’, can we not do harm in this message?
Hilleary Zarate, Supervisor, Santa Rosa, CA, USAsays
Living a congruent life, where beliefs align with actions, helps me to feel confident about who I am. When I fib for no reason or hide myself, it makes me feel less than.
I grew up in Ireland in the ’50s where we were literally trained to despise ourselves. As a little girl I wrote, what was most likely a really interesting story about the journey of a drop of water. The teaching nun ridiculed my attempt and encouraged the other pupils to do so too. And when my ink pen caused blots in my copy book I was sent to stand in the boys’ class in “disgrace”. And so it went, relentlessly attacking us at a soul and self esteem level. We were told we were downright bad; that we were naughty, disrespectful, hopeless and always and absolutely not good enough. In spite of the wounds these nuns caused being very deep, I went on to become an award wining journalist in South Africa and to have wonderful experiences – including meeting Nelson Mandela on several occasions. However, I always felt the need to hide from others what I considered to be my flaws, while it has to be said I do still doubt myself. But much of the damage has been undone.
So thank you dear Tara for your guidance. I know that even at the age 70 (and beyond) healing can continue if the light of learning and new insights is allowed to shine.
Suzanne Furry-Irish, Another Field, Shelburne, VT, USAsays
I feel insecure and scared which makes me afraid to take risks so I get stuck and then feel angry with myself for doing nothing. Then my anger comes out towards others.
I avoid intimate relationships because I fear I am too much.
I also have attracted narcissistic partners and that is a pattern I want to understand and avoid.
They (or I) are not giving themselves completely. Are not fully open, not fully expressing themselves. This creates tension. Relations don’t become intense or deep. But continue to be rather shallow.
“What you see is not what you get” In the long run an intimate relationship is not possible unless one is willing to reveal ones flaws.
A lot of energy goes into hiding a sense of inadequacy or shame. To build a wall around oneself so that no part of our ‘shadow’ might seep through, for our partner to view, deepens our sense of “not OK-ness” and aloneness. Such hiding completely precludes intimacy – since intimacy is based in authenticity and sharing. Feeling unworthy also results in being critical of others, often for perceived limitations that we see in ourselves. Finally, we become envious of others who seem to sail smoothly through their relationships, can become bitter, and further lock ourselves away from a sense of belonging.
If I’m spending my attention on judging myself and trying to hide aspects of myself from others, there is less attention available to attend to them, to listen and attune to who they are. By focusing on my own inadequacies, I am limiting my availability and receptivity to others. When I am feeling balanced and energized inside myself, my attention for others feels much wider and more sensitive.
When a person hides what they don’t like about themselves it it also means there is a “cover” or inauthentic presentation of what they believe others want to see. They create a facade or fake persona in order to be what they think others will accept in to achieve love and belonging. Ultimately, they become so distant from the authentic self they don’t really know themselves. Further, as discussed, lack of authentic connection to self means there’s no foundation for authentic connection to others. the threads binding all this are made of self loathing belief systems that say you don’t belong and your “fake self” is your armor to protect from what the self believes is certain rejection. That’s a pretty painful place to live. When someone scratches the surface and challenges with “be more vulnerable” the person challenged will likely retreat in ways that create dysfunction and instability in the relationship. They will push the relationship away before opening the door to what they believe will end in rejection and broken heart.
I am afraid to be different than my partner because it brings up fear in her, and she expresses this fear toward me, aggressively assessing/judging me as the cause of her fear. I can get caught up in trying to please her first without asking myself what I want. Or I hide myself. Makes sense that if I’m hiding, I am not connecting, especially with myself.
Your Mindfulness Daily has helped me so much with staying on my path, not getting pulled off to please others, but rather approaching life open-heartedly as I stay in touch with who I am, and with who I want to be, especially in connection with others and my environment. Bringing myself back to my breath and body anchor have been incredibly valuable.
Parents become more punitive with their children, wanting to stop any behavior that triggers their self-judgment. Parents become totally focused on behavior and are not able to support the need underlying the behavior when triggered (vulnerabilities are activated by children’s behavior). They want to maintain their identity as a “good” parent and defend against anything that brings up a different sense of self even if it means a disconnect in the relationship with their child. This can lead to so many painful power struggles between parent and child.
When we hide parts of ourselves It prevents closeness and intimacy in relationships. Just going through the motions of living and not connecting with those who mean the most.
There can be secrecy in their relationships which can result in loved ones feeling shut out. Communication becomes difficult and support is decreased thus leading to the client feeling isolated with their issues.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself makes it hard for me the share anything. My dreams are not worth sharing because of the deep shame I feel about myself. I can’t be vulnerable because someone might see the real, unloveable me. I can never let my guard down because my friends, family, significant other will leave. Hiding what I done like ensures that noone can ever really get to know me.
I have a long distance relationship with many friends and my daughter and her family. I am aging and as I age I have become more separate from everyone. Yet when I see them I feel like I am going through the motions. I have cared about and for many people in my life and my daughter says I have only felt ok when I help others. I do not seem to be able to engage my whole being for myself
Such a great question. Hiding what I don’t like about myself makes me hide, period.
I loved this short video – conveyed everything so clearly; particularly that we wouldn’t be down on others unless we are already giving ourselves a hard time.
Carrie Robinette, Student, willowbrook, IL, USAsays
When I am insecure, I lash out at my partner. It’s my way of avoiding what I don’t like about myself. Then I come across mean which I then don’t like about myself. Looking forward to the next video.
My ill-fated attempts to hide my insecurities make me judgmental towards those around me and I push them away as I think they will abandon me because of how difficult I am
Carole Cassidy, Counseling, San Carlos , CA, USAsays
She would monitor herself to ensure she acts correctly, instead of being herself with trust of self and other. Live a life of doubt and fear of being abandoned and not being enough.
I want the confidence to expose my inner self to others without hurting them or saying something to agree with them when I don’t mean it. I want to have clear boundaries. I want to be myself, whole and complete. Annie
Hiding what I don’t like about myself makes me craft a persona of who I think others want me to be. That can cause me to overextend myself and become resentful for them taking too much of my energy
Really spot on! That is a very helpful way to think about it without judgements.
feeling unworthy of love leads to withdrawal from intimacy.
Been following similar ideas for a long time. The pandemic takes it to a deeper level. Really good talk!!! Belonging—-Long for Being. Being is found in non-controlling open-ness. Like that first 2 minutes you dive right in.
First they are left with the fear of being “found out” and secondly they work to control the flow between and in relationship and third as suggested by Orlaith they fail to be genuinely authentic……this usually is detected by a close partner and then is perceived as inauthentic and “not to be trusted”…..particularly with a partner requiring high levels of trust for their own needs this can be catastrophic….
I hide my feeling of feeling lonely because I am afraid that others will avoid me as they may be afraid it depicts on them.
Thank you very much for your video. Because of the time we are living at the momente , it is very important to know as much as we can about relationships,
people are living closer than ever and that is becoming very difficult for some of them.
Best regards
Teresa
It stops them from having genuine authentic relationships. People judge them then on how they present which isn’t their true self. There’s a lack of trust because they don’t trust the other person with who they really are but they are also protecting themselves. They gently need to be reminded that maybe their old coping mechanisms are no longer relevant in the life they are living now.
I don’t have clients but watching for myself. When you asked the question, “What do you most judge about yourself?”, I immediately heard, “I don’t do enough.” I have a business, have raised three boys, one with Aspergers, and yet I don’t feel like I’m every doing enough. Self doubt and the need to be center of attention, and never doing enough, stop me from dropping in, accepting myself, and opening up to intimacy. I feel self imposed pressure and it comes out as criticism and judgement of those I am closest too. Of course the effect is they don’t want to be intimate either. Our crazy strategies. Thank you so much for this!
I am highly sensitive and often struggle with depression and while I have a few friends I feel can accept that, I hide it or mask it from others whom I fear will judge me for it. This has led to huge misunderstandings and in my feeling even MORE sensitive around them because I’m working so hard to be “fine” that I lose touch with what is really going on inside and then I have an even bigger emotional response to a slight or a hurt which brings a negative response from them and it snowballs from there
They cannot connect deeply with another. They cannot show up authentically. They do not feel free to be themselves in relationships.
The client who hides what they don’t like about themselves is pushing a very real side of the self away. They will be behaving inauthentically and not be truly connecting in their relationships, and by hiding parts of themselves, end up feeling lonely and isolated.
Tara offers some simple advice: observe your thoughts, feel the feelings (and exploring what’s under them) and offer yourself gestures of kindness. The practice has to be deliberate and often, but It’s never too late for self forgiveness and compassion which then extends itself to others. Thank you for offering these videos.
Hi Tara. Thanks for all you do. Hiding what I don’t like about myself leads to fear of others. A paranoia that everyone is out to get me. That I’ll displease someone because I am displeasing, and they’ll reject me and abandon me. So, with this fear, I isolate and avoid relationships. And the fear grows. So I hide these unlikeable things even more, and spiral down in despair in this cycle.
I’ve learned it’s better to risk being displeasing, to be honest about myself. If someone judges me, let them judge. Offer thoughts of loving kindness towards them. The more real I am, the more I see that I am loved. And the more real I am. A positive cycle of loving kindness for me and others.
We are mirrors for each other. I am grateful for the opportunity to uncover my own barriers to love and belonging so that as they are reflected back to me I can view others with compassion and love. <3
It keeps us in a repetitive pattern of looking outside of ourselves for something or someone to make us feel better about ourselves… and this can lead us To feeling Disappointed/ powerless/ victim to circumstances that we chose Which can further lead us to a toxic self-blame/shame cycle about who we are…
They might end the relationship; they temanummer quiet, no communication
Thank you for this Tara! When we hide our “dirty little secrets”, our primary relationship never has the opportunity to fully bloom. It becomes a patch work that is stitched together loosely. It becomes a relationship full of blame and resentment when you hide your truth, and for those of us who are conditioned to react rather than respond, it becomes a game of seeking the chaos to counter the fear. What is the fear? Fear of judgement, rejection, abandonment … I deeply believe that when we find our fears and walk with them, that we create one of the best relationships in our life: the bountiful
relationship with fear.
Less intimacy in relationships as they only project/show their competencies or acceptable parts. They are busy hiding/repressing part of who they are which takes up a lot of energy. Thus, they are judging not only themselves but also others for having these qualities which they dont like. The other person also might sense this judgement which feels like conditionality. Ultimately they dont feel truly connected to the other.
I have been feeling really judgemental towards my husband, despite all the development work I have done on myself. Thanks for helping me to understand Tara. I have used your Radical acceptance programme before and really need to revisit this again. Many thanks.
My mood oscillates between energetic and vibrant and lethargic and lost. I tend to hide the lethargic/lost part to people who aren’t close to me. i am staro see it as a strength
I feel unloveable because I have been fighting illness that makes it so I can’t contribute to my home financially or in many other ways. It has cut us off from deep connection but I don’t know how to accept physical pain 24/7 as who I am now. This is not the life we had for 20 years. I am afraid she will leave me.
I avoid intimate relationships – I think it comes from birth… I’m not worthy of love.
I like all of this and I have a question. Contempt is ultimate anger with someone with a core belief that the other person is for example, ‘lazy, like a child, etc’ make ‘our life harder’ (like really really hard, whereby we have to do ‘too much’ and are exhausted or that our deep needs will never be met and we have to constantly sacrifice ourselves); where we believe the other person simply do not care about our well being and puts their own above ours without appreciation or acknowledgement of what we have been doing with no plan to change and give to some of our fundamental needs to have happiness, peace and vitality. When said when we ‘act’ with this kind of contempt towards our partner it is because we are feeling insecure and I feel it’s more complicated than that. Is it because our partners are truly not giving to our fundamental relational need that we then internalize to reinforce our invisible narrative that we are not lovable because we are for some reason ‘less’, and that makes us insecure? I think it is part truth, but with dual awareness there is also a justifiable anger because of the injustice. Will this be addressed? Because we could get unhealthy messages that all our pain is because our our insecurities and to stay in the window of ‘what it is to be human and human needs’ and not abort into ‘transcendence’, can we not do harm in this message?
Living a congruent life, where beliefs align with actions, helps me to feel confident about who I am. When I fib for no reason or hide myself, it makes me feel less than.
I grew up in Ireland in the ’50s where we were literally trained to despise ourselves. As a little girl I wrote, what was most likely a really interesting story about the journey of a drop of water. The teaching nun ridiculed my attempt and encouraged the other pupils to do so too. And when my ink pen caused blots in my copy book I was sent to stand in the boys’ class in “disgrace”. And so it went, relentlessly attacking us at a soul and self esteem level. We were told we were downright bad; that we were naughty, disrespectful, hopeless and always and absolutely not good enough. In spite of the wounds these nuns caused being very deep, I went on to become an award wining journalist in South Africa and to have wonderful experiences – including meeting Nelson Mandela on several occasions. However, I always felt the need to hide from others what I considered to be my flaws, while it has to be said I do still doubt myself. But much of the damage has been undone.
So thank you dear Tara for your guidance. I know that even at the age 70 (and beyond) healing can continue if the light of learning and new insights is allowed to shine.
I feel insecure and scared which makes me afraid to take risks so I get stuck and then feel angry with myself for doing nothing. Then my anger comes out towards others.
I avoid intimate relationships because I fear I am too much.
I also have attracted narcissistic partners and that is a pattern I want to understand and avoid.
They (or I) are not giving themselves completely. Are not fully open, not fully expressing themselves. This creates tension. Relations don’t become intense or deep. But continue to be rather shallow.
“What you see is not what you get” In the long run an intimate relationship is not possible unless one is willing to reveal ones flaws.
A lot of energy goes into hiding a sense of inadequacy or shame. To build a wall around oneself so that no part of our ‘shadow’ might seep through, for our partner to view, deepens our sense of “not OK-ness” and aloneness. Such hiding completely precludes intimacy – since intimacy is based in authenticity and sharing. Feeling unworthy also results in being critical of others, often for perceived limitations that we see in ourselves. Finally, we become envious of others who seem to sail smoothly through their relationships, can become bitter, and further lock ourselves away from a sense of belonging.
If I’m spending my attention on judging myself and trying to hide aspects of myself from others, there is less attention available to attend to them, to listen and attune to who they are. By focusing on my own inadequacies, I am limiting my availability and receptivity to others. When I am feeling balanced and energized inside myself, my attention for others feels much wider and more sensitive.
When a person hides what they don’t like about themselves it it also means there is a “cover” or inauthentic presentation of what they believe others want to see. They create a facade or fake persona in order to be what they think others will accept in to achieve love and belonging. Ultimately, they become so distant from the authentic self they don’t really know themselves. Further, as discussed, lack of authentic connection to self means there’s no foundation for authentic connection to others. the threads binding all this are made of self loathing belief systems that say you don’t belong and your “fake self” is your armor to protect from what the self believes is certain rejection. That’s a pretty painful place to live. When someone scratches the surface and challenges with “be more vulnerable” the person challenged will likely retreat in ways that create dysfunction and instability in the relationship. They will push the relationship away before opening the door to what they believe will end in rejection and broken heart.
I am afraid to be different than my partner because it brings up fear in her, and she expresses this fear toward me, aggressively assessing/judging me as the cause of her fear. I can get caught up in trying to please her first without asking myself what I want. Or I hide myself. Makes sense that if I’m hiding, I am not connecting, especially with myself.
Your Mindfulness Daily has helped me so much with staying on my path, not getting pulled off to please others, but rather approaching life open-heartedly as I stay in touch with who I am, and with who I want to be, especially in connection with others and my environment. Bringing myself back to my breath and body anchor have been incredibly valuable.
I’m a closet smoker. I’m embarrassed about it.
I’m hiding my addictive, stubborn nature.
Parents become more punitive with their children, wanting to stop any behavior that triggers their self-judgment. Parents become totally focused on behavior and are not able to support the need underlying the behavior when triggered (vulnerabilities are activated by children’s behavior). They want to maintain their identity as a “good” parent and defend against anything that brings up a different sense of self even if it means a disconnect in the relationship with their child. This can lead to so many painful power struggles between parent and child.
When we hide parts of ourselves It prevents closeness and intimacy in relationships. Just going through the motions of living and not connecting with those who mean the most.
There can be secrecy in their relationships which can result in loved ones feeling shut out. Communication becomes difficult and support is decreased thus leading to the client feeling isolated with their issues.
I don’t like to ask for help.
They often might project upon others what they do not like about themselves.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself makes it hard for me the share anything. My dreams are not worth sharing because of the deep shame I feel about myself. I can’t be vulnerable because someone might see the real, unloveable me. I can never let my guard down because my friends, family, significant other will leave. Hiding what I done like ensures that noone can ever really get to know me.
I have a long distance relationship with many friends and my daughter and her family. I am aging and as I age I have become more separate from everyone. Yet when I see them I feel like I am going through the motions. I have cared about and for many people in my life and my daughter says I have only felt ok when I help others. I do not seem to be able to engage my whole being for myself
Usually they are rejecting of others and projecting their own feelings of self judgement onto those they are closest to.
Such a great question. Hiding what I don’t like about myself makes me hide, period.
I loved this short video – conveyed everything so clearly; particularly that we wouldn’t be down on others unless we are already giving ourselves a hard time.
Thank you!
When I am insecure, I lash out at my partner. It’s my way of avoiding what I don’t like about myself. Then I come across mean which I then don’t like about myself. Looking forward to the next video.
Keeps me from really connecting
People
My ill-fated attempts to hide my insecurities make me judgmental towards those around me and I push them away as I think they will abandon me because of how difficult I am
It creates barriers and removes the energy flow.
She would monitor herself to ensure she acts correctly, instead of being herself with trust of self and other. Live a life of doubt and fear of being abandoned and not being enough.