My many years of practice have led me to accept that most persons suffering from a lack of self love basically have had a major lack of parental affirmation.My focus then is generally to help heal that wound through my own affirmation and thereby create/increase self-acceptance and self-love.This is a time consuming but worthwhile process which has the potential to affect all their relationships.I am looking forward to reading your book,and thank-you for this video gift.
It makes them shy and withdrawn, they tend to misjudge friends reactions and evaluate these negatively, due to interpretations like “They mean something negative, they don´t really want to be close to me, they dont really like me, respect me” and anything they say may refer to that, instead of to their own wishes and life circumstances…
I want to be held like a baby and pampered a bit. but i ended up doing that for everyone around and no one even my mother did it for me. finally i ended up in a marriage where i was working and taking decisions strong, I lacked the initimacy from my partner because i never voiced out the need to be held….
Although I am retired. I have a small group of teenagers living in a home for homeless youngster. I am teaching them mindfulness skills, using what a learned in The power of awareness, NLP/Ericksonian hypnosis and Steve Guilligan : Self relations.
I love to learn …I believe that in the domain of service I am committed to continue learning the many many skills available to me.
Just yesterday I asked our new medical students if they could give themselves the time to hold on to the chrysalis and not expect themselves to be the butterfly as they arrive into first year medical school. They feel that expectation to be the doctor and the lack of worthiness floats in, as they try and spread new, wet, undernourished wings.
To learn to nurture the self is hard for all caregivers and harder still if we feel urgent expectancies to be able to help in such a pandemic time.
Shame enters in with unworthiness and fear of disappointing others. Unworthiness grows. Imposter thoughts and unworthy feelings limit the expansion of their wings within their very first health encounter.
Helping them stay with the unknowing fragility seems like one goal. So open to hearing a worthiness practice of noticing the inherent good in being as we are.
Looking forward to learning how we start trusting the worthiness and bringing that into our conversation.. Thank you for this free talk and for this conversation.
It makes me fearful that if they do find out the truth they will end the relationship so I compensate by saying everything is ok and trying to please them.
I often find that when I trace back the feeing/belief of ‘not being enough’, it lands on a very early love deficit, namely not getting enough love to internalize that good enough sense as a core sense of self.
However, when I learn that this ‘not enough’ is widespread in America (and perhaps in other developed countries as well), I am compelled to seek out a more sociological or cultural cause in addition to the above. This widespread condition has to have its roots in larger social conditioning factors. Just to take one possible cause, the aspirational nature of American society, which allows for many positive outcomes from upward social mobility to all forms of self improvement, does carry with it the premise that you must strive to be better, and therefore that you are not yet what you should be, or, in other words not yet ‘good enough’. This means that there is an inescapable contradiction between aspirational goals and inducements and self acceptance as you are.
At the psychological level, this contradiction will tend to show up as inner conflict in one’s sense of self. Therapy, therefore, is not simply addressing an individual conflict, but also a larger social conditioning that reinforces that conflict.
Jennifer Topping, Coach, UPPER MARLBORO, MD, USAsays
I love your comment and it really resonates with me. I am trained as a massage therapist and integrative health coach but am unable to work due to chronic pain conditions ( the most recent is Trigeminal Neuralgia which has no cure but the most successful longterm treatment is brain surgery…no thanks.) I see many psychological ties to my physical conditions and perhaps the “not enough” core issue plays a greater role than I realize. I try to be content in the “now” which goes against all the “success”, “next-level” aspirational career-oriented social media I see everyday. I joke that the pandemic has ironically made my daily routine much more socially acceptable.
Esther Lerman, Marriage/Family Therapy, Berkeley, CA, USAsays
Yes, Tarla, you are so right! Thankfully, here in the Bay Area (I don’t know about other areas) there are more and more therapists acknowledging and addressing this with clients all the time. So important and takes away some of the power of mother/parent blaming, which may have it’s place but can be so reductionist.
C.W. Pickett, Another Field, Sheridan, WY, USAsays
We teach our children early on: “what do you want to be when you grow up?” This is causing them to not think about who they are now, and so as we grow up, we are always reaching for the rainbow. We need to teach people that what they are now is what matters, because when you reach that pinnacle, you find it, too is not good enough. Happiness is now, not something you plan for.
Canon Purdy, Another Field, San Diego, CA, USAsays
I hide my need for acceptance and belonging, my insecurities about being worthy, my fear of being unloveable, and it turns into a great clinginess, a need to control the other person, being demanding and fatalistic about any action that doesn’t go my way.
I always focus the relationship on the other person: how are they doing/feeling? what are they thinking about me? what do they need from me? I do everything I can to avoid having to be in the spotlight. And then eventually I become resentful that the other person doesn’t pay any attention to me and it’s always about them.
Jennifer Topping, Coach, UPPER MARLBORO, MD, USAsays
I love your comment and it really resonates with me. I am trained as a massage therapist and integrative health coach but am unable to work due to chronic pain conditions ( the most recent is Trigeminal Neuralgia which has no cure but the most successful longterm treatment is brain surgery…no thanks.) I see many psychological ties to my physical conditions and perhaps the “not enough” core issue plays a greater role than I realize. I try to be content in the “now” which goes against all the “success”, “next-level” aspirational career-oriented social media I see everyday. I joke that the pandemic has ironically made my daily routine much more socially acceptable.
Jennifer Topping, Coach, UPPER MARLBORO, MD, USAsays
Ioana, the first reply I accidentally posted was meant for Tarla above. But I definitely relate to yours too. I have often been kind of called out in therapy sessions for focusing on the “other” in the situation I might be addressing. I think sometimes it’s easier to deflect and analyze the other’s actions versus really going deep into my own emotions. I don’t know if that resonates with what you shared but I get the resentment issue too. One of my favorite books that really helped me in trying not to focus on what other people might think of me is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you haven’t already read it, you might like it too.
hi Tara, thanks for your generosity
Without being personal,these are some of the affects of lack in self-acceptance/ forgiveness/ love:
1.Sense of otherness- me and them- which makes one feel alone
2.Automatic defensiveness triggers the other’s defensiveness- Starting a chase
3.Unrealistic expectations from the other leading to disappointments,and a sense of failure in each
4.Conflicts don’t get resolved
5.Free floating resentment,with physical manifestation.
Thank you Tara, this is so insightful and extremely useful for myself and for my clients. Your words are like a mirrow in which I can see things so clearly and without fear, as they have an extraordinary ability to hold us in your warm, safe space.
I feel as though I failed as a mother. Though my children ‘turned out well’ by society’s expectations, they are deeply resentful of my divorce (from their father) and have pulled away from me. This experience has left me very unsure of myself and I think I avoid having close relationships out of fear of rejection…
They’re unable to be honest in their relationships, and that creates a wall between them and their partners, family, and friends. They starve emotionally because they’re unable to ask for what they need or give freely to others, which necessitates more hiding and inner secrets. This creates a downward spiral of self-hatred and resentment toward others in their lives because they’re not getting what they need.
It prevents them from feeling understood, because others can’t deeply know them. It also sets them up for emotional reactivity and defensiveness when the other comes into contact with that which they try to hide. It create distance that ultimately sabotages intimacy and connection.
Exactly. My husband left our marriage and said this very thing. He always felt unworthy. He criticized himself, then turned it on me. He gathered resentments and nurtured them. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to get him to open up-for years I tried. Then he blew up our life with an affair. We’re divorcing. Shame and real intimacy can’t coexist.
When we are hiding we are not being truthful. This hiding/lying takes energy. As life goes one, it may require more and more energy to maintain this unnatural state. This energy could be put to use in far more beneficial ways. (ie. Being loving and compassionate…)
Thank you for providing your videos and messages!
Totally agree that the root cause is most commonly in the ‘self’ and some form of inadequacy and judgment in the form of comparison, false set of beliefs, undeveloped or uneducated resilience. Developmentally our deficiencies around self-criticism and self acceptance stem from the lack of an unconditional nurturing in early life. We habituate the judgment. In this culture we are also taught to compare so then we despair. It is ME that is the problem most often. And it is me who has to look at and change what I am believing or doing. When I can be truly open and loving to me, not in fear, then I can trust and feel safe to admit whatever ‘IT’ is and I can forgive and move on.
We are living in a very unforgiving time. We are living in a time of deception and lies. It has been going on for a very long time. I think we are hitting a bottom. Maybe. I believe we WILL learn from it and though I certainly won’t be here to see it, maybe we will have a kinder, gentler, more creative equitable world. Thank you, Tara, for your generosity and desire to help people learn in a loving way about how we can each take the responsibility for the change we want to see. We can be the change. Blessings. Jane Meryll/Mamaroneck, NY. Coach, Meditation Teacher, Musician.
Here, here….I agree with Jane’s comments!
Thank you Tara, I was very moved by your outreach, easily seeing where it fits within the expression of my life.
With your grounding in meditation, you are living your values and beliefs, through complete love and generosity. from Mary, Meditation Learner, Music Therapist.
Donna Martino, Counseling, Hoffman Estates, IL, USAsays
They feel they have something to hide or something to prove. If it’s something to hide, they withdraw and retreat, if it’s something to prove they attack.
Hiding parts of yourself means you can’t be true to yourself. Living out of alignment and never feeling truly seen are exhausting and makes it impossible to build truly deep and meaningful relationships.
I have pages and pages of scribble I have written in my dark moments (over many, many years) It’s definitely the stuff I don’t want to reveal. As I get older, I find myself in situations – I took up a sport, for instance – and you can bet all my self-criticism uncontrollably shines away for everyone to see. And I know this isolates people. I am filled with shame after certain matches. I then, act aloof and uninterested so I show up (less than enthusiastically), play, then leave. While the whole purpose to join something like that is to make connections, have an outlet, etc. This is just a “social” example. You mentioned in the video arguing with child and anger drives us further apart. And being criticized by my partner and feeling contempt. These are consuming my life right now. I am trying, but I feel hopeless a lot. I feel isolated in my own home. It’s been going on a long time so I feel there’s no going back to the closeness or the contentment.
It’s really hard to pinpoint one aspect. The one most terrible I may even hide from myself. It just may be arrogance, a feeling that I am somehow special and the pain and abuse I have suffered will serve a higher purpose and I will be be vindicated and everyone who has ever hurt me will see the error of their ways. That I never deserved to be mistreated that I am loveable and likeable and smart and creative, but no one appreciated me or my special uniqueness in real time. That ultimately it’s not me who is unworthy but the world that just isn’t ready for me.
Of course I am willing to admit this may be a huge cover-up. But how does it affect my relationships? I am defensive and venomous when anything remi d’s me Of the trauma or ways I was treated and ignored, not considered, as a child.
I long for the consideration of others to be thought of when they make choices in their words and behaviors, and when they don’t, I spiral into deep depression or rage.
I feel the same way as you. I get so angry with the world and my spouse or kid when it feels like they don’t hear me. Just like no one heard me as a child.
A part of me is so sure that if people see that I have deep moods and feel things very strongly they will think I’m strange and won’t want to be around me. Also that I do not like to be busy all the time and in this culture it seems like that’s treason. So I fear that if people knew that I’m just very happy sitting around sometimes doing nothing that I will be ostracized and unloved. And this can keep me from being fully real with people
Pamela Williams, Another Field, Petaluma, CA, USAsays
You sound so like me. I can never do enough, seem strong and active enough. I feel just like you that my low levels of activity and time needed for thought interupt activities that would make me attractive to others. I am so afraid of not thinking through in detail what I do and say so that people will like me. I so need time to be alone to be at peace with myself. I don’t want to be a leader of anything. I do want to be helpful in whatever way I can to create a sense of connection to the world of activity.
In this case the person is not present. Questions are not answered directly, but avoiding the vulnerable parts from the other, lead to misunderstanding. This leads to superficial relating, even less than a friend.
I feel unaccomplished or that I have not lived up to my professional potential, and therefor feel intimidated around highly accomplished people. I struggle to feel good enough, or that I am fully valued and worthy.
I feel so unaccomplished also. I am so fearful of not being smart enough, active enough, good enough that I hide from other people as much as I can. I got a ph.d. in zoology because I find peace in observing the natural world. I try to find little things I can do to help others, but I’m so afraid they will see how inadequate I am.
Fear of not being worthy of someone’s love , fear of being boring, of not having the right sense of humor etc. Always longing for acceptance from other people and trying to fulfill their expectations.
I am 59 now and trying with meditation to find my own way. I do feel improvement and growing personal strength
Thank you for the good video and above all for the good example (yourself)
Thank you, Tara, for offering your wisdom and kindness. I’m beginning to realize that I give too much. What is happening is that the other person begins feeling overwhelmed and not enough. I think that I do this because I was told by my mother that I was selfish. All my life I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I am not selfish. I’m not enough. I have great difficulty accepting gifts or help from others. Again thank you for this opportunity to develop better relationships.
I am re-reading your book ‘True Refuge’, and finding within it the inter-connectedness of decades of teachings from so many diverse sources. All rolled into one.
In going through any really hard and difficult personal experience, much though we may prefer not to, gives that person a golden key to which he or she can then use to unlock the deep healing so many of us need.
I am in awe and delight at this meeting with Tara.
Thanks Tara – lovely talk. I’m a business owner and I find it hard to balance the needs of the business (mainly financially – particularly at the moment) with being a kind and caring employer. We’ve had to make tough decisions such as making redundancies and putting people on less hours. I feel like I am not being kind and have a lot of self doubt and then question whether I am cut out to be a boss. Should I just chuck it all in and become a mindfulness teacher, but then to do that, everyone would be out of work as there would be no one else to run our company. Thanks Cathy (UK) xx
Thank you, Dr. Tara. What I don’t want others to see is my anxiety and impulsiveness. And my insecurity in relation to so many areas of my life (Fear of not being loved or not knowing how to care for the people I love). Your video was very useful. Continuation of the excellent work. Best wishes from Portugal
They will never learn enough about themselves and others for sustainable relationships. Close relationships, which I am assuming most of us really want.
It would also be unfair to waist your time, theirs too.
Hello, for me what hurts the more and I try to hide it from my partner is jealousy, but probably the worst is when I’m not seen as a woman. This is a strong trigger that results in closing myself more and being judgemental toward him and myself. Thank you for the video.
I left a long relationship of more than 20 years with my family which is with friend and my son
We were 8, and I could not cope with it, it was to much
I went into depression took anti depressant and left. Without saying goodbye
I am still in a strictly business relationship, but I cut all my feelings long ago and still not forgiving myself for not being able to cope and share, eventhough I understand and know what brought me here, I have difficulty forgiving myself and reconnect with them especially my son that I feel I hurt so much
I know it is not my fault but it does not really help me
Thanks for giving light to this
Tara, your an angel… this was so spot on and well timed… I judge myself for so many things, but I’m learning to let go… I’m a teacher and the workload is endless… as we move through this fraught time of global pandemic, my instruction has moved online… tech platforms, redesigning lessons so they suit online platforms, double the students due to budget cuts… my workload has over doubled… and my job is scrutinized by admin, students and parents… this is true for all teachers… I’m putting one foot in front of the other, taking deep breaths, and engaging in a continual reframing conversation with myself that prevents me from slipping into emotional self abuse… I have to be kind to myself so that I can give kindness to my students… rapport in the classroom is the bedrock of teaching and learning… thanks for the video… I needed it.
I don’t know, if I try to hide it — But it boils down to having wasted my life not using my potentials, not being conscious of them. Regretting, not forgetting. Being hard on myself and judgemental, thus, being hard on others (beloved ones). Of course, that affects my relationships. Feeling worthless, never good enough. How does “being yourself” work/feel?
Thank you Tara and NICABM for taking this serious.
Hi Tara, I need this for professional reasons, and for personal reasons, specially to repair my relationship with my husband, we’ve been married for 40 years, and I’m at the precipice of walking out, not that he’s not a good person, we’re so different in so many ways, and our relationship has been based on so many negative things up for the last several years. I can work on me, but working on my relationship can be so much more complicated. Tell me more, and help me understand as a mental health practitioner, Also as a woman who is older, 65, and still wanting to produce, be a part of the world, and repair a relationship that has been extremely disappointing. I know what to do clinically, logically, and everything else, for getting it done, letting myself feel again, without self-hate, loading, or lack is difficult, especially when people of my age have to do with Changes in our mental lives, physical lives, cognitive experiences, and also things that go with aging, especially when one partner is changing in one way and another the other partner is changing in other ways, you know incompatibility, fear, disappointment, and all those things go along with relationships specially when people like my husband and I deal with physical disability, mental health issues, lack of finances, and other things that go along with those later years. Thanks for sharing, and thank you for adding to My experience as you teach and help us or motivate forward. Blessings,
Increases emotional distance. Avoidance.
They are not present for themselves and the other. So ‘no’ Relationships possible ??
They have to be careful, not spontaneous. Keeping distance.
My many years of practice have led me to accept that most persons suffering from a lack of self love basically have had a major lack of parental affirmation.My focus then is generally to help heal that wound through my own affirmation and thereby create/increase self-acceptance and self-love.This is a time consuming but worthwhile process which has the potential to affect all their relationships.I am looking forward to reading your book,and thank-you for this video gift.
It makes them shy and withdrawn, they tend to misjudge friends reactions and evaluate these negatively, due to interpretations like “They mean something negative, they don´t really want to be close to me, they dont really like me, respect me” and anything they say may refer to that, instead of to their own wishes and life circumstances…
I want to be held like a baby and pampered a bit. but i ended up doing that for everyone around and no one even my mother did it for me. finally i ended up in a marriage where i was working and taking decisions strong, I lacked the initimacy from my partner because i never voiced out the need to be held….
It is not so much how I use it with my clients, it is how I am impregnated by the thoughts that makes a difference.
Although I am retired. I have a small group of teenagers living in a home for homeless youngster. I am teaching them mindfulness skills, using what a learned in The power of awareness, NLP/Ericksonian hypnosis and Steve Guilligan : Self relations.
I love to learn …I believe that in the domain of service I am committed to continue learning the many many skills available to me.
Thankyou
Just yesterday I asked our new medical students if they could give themselves the time to hold on to the chrysalis and not expect themselves to be the butterfly as they arrive into first year medical school. They feel that expectation to be the doctor and the lack of worthiness floats in, as they try and spread new, wet, undernourished wings.
To learn to nurture the self is hard for all caregivers and harder still if we feel urgent expectancies to be able to help in such a pandemic time.
Shame enters in with unworthiness and fear of disappointing others. Unworthiness grows. Imposter thoughts and unworthy feelings limit the expansion of their wings within their very first health encounter.
Helping them stay with the unknowing fragility seems like one goal. So open to hearing a worthiness practice of noticing the inherent good in being as we are.
Looking forward to learning how we start trusting the worthiness and bringing that into our conversation.. Thank you for this free talk and for this conversation.
Thank you. Very helpful touch stone for today
Thank you Tara!
Very helpful this morning to gain perspective
It makes me fearful that if they do find out the truth they will end the relationship so I compensate by saying everything is ok and trying to please them.
I often find that when I trace back the feeing/belief of ‘not being enough’, it lands on a very early love deficit, namely not getting enough love to internalize that good enough sense as a core sense of self.
However, when I learn that this ‘not enough’ is widespread in America (and perhaps in other developed countries as well), I am compelled to seek out a more sociological or cultural cause in addition to the above. This widespread condition has to have its roots in larger social conditioning factors. Just to take one possible cause, the aspirational nature of American society, which allows for many positive outcomes from upward social mobility to all forms of self improvement, does carry with it the premise that you must strive to be better, and therefore that you are not yet what you should be, or, in other words not yet ‘good enough’. This means that there is an inescapable contradiction between aspirational goals and inducements and self acceptance as you are.
At the psychological level, this contradiction will tend to show up as inner conflict in one’s sense of self. Therapy, therefore, is not simply addressing an individual conflict, but also a larger social conditioning that reinforces that conflict.
I love your comment and it really resonates with me. I am trained as a massage therapist and integrative health coach but am unable to work due to chronic pain conditions ( the most recent is Trigeminal Neuralgia which has no cure but the most successful longterm treatment is brain surgery…no thanks.) I see many psychological ties to my physical conditions and perhaps the “not enough” core issue plays a greater role than I realize. I try to be content in the “now” which goes against all the “success”, “next-level” aspirational career-oriented social media I see everyday. I joke that the pandemic has ironically made my daily routine much more socially acceptable.
Yes, Tarla, you are so right! Thankfully, here in the Bay Area (I don’t know about other areas) there are more and more therapists acknowledging and addressing this with clients all the time. So important and takes away some of the power of mother/parent blaming, which may have it’s place but can be so reductionist.
We teach our children early on: “what do you want to be when you grow up?” This is causing them to not think about who they are now, and so as we grow up, we are always reaching for the rainbow. We need to teach people that what they are now is what matters, because when you reach that pinnacle, you find it, too is not good enough. Happiness is now, not something you plan for.
I hide my need for acceptance and belonging, my insecurities about being worthy, my fear of being unloveable, and it turns into a great clinginess, a need to control the other person, being demanding and fatalistic about any action that doesn’t go my way.
I always focus the relationship on the other person: how are they doing/feeling? what are they thinking about me? what do they need from me? I do everything I can to avoid having to be in the spotlight. And then eventually I become resentful that the other person doesn’t pay any attention to me and it’s always about them.
I love your comment and it really resonates with me. I am trained as a massage therapist and integrative health coach but am unable to work due to chronic pain conditions ( the most recent is Trigeminal Neuralgia which has no cure but the most successful longterm treatment is brain surgery…no thanks.) I see many psychological ties to my physical conditions and perhaps the “not enough” core issue plays a greater role than I realize. I try to be content in the “now” which goes against all the “success”, “next-level” aspirational career-oriented social media I see everyday. I joke that the pandemic has ironically made my daily routine much more socially acceptable.
Ioana, the first reply I accidentally posted was meant for Tarla above. But I definitely relate to yours too. I have often been kind of called out in therapy sessions for focusing on the “other” in the situation I might be addressing. I think sometimes it’s easier to deflect and analyze the other’s actions versus really going deep into my own emotions. I don’t know if that resonates with what you shared but I get the resentment issue too. One of my favorite books that really helped me in trying not to focus on what other people might think of me is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you haven’t already read it, you might like it too.
hi Tara, thanks for your generosity
Without being personal,these are some of the affects of lack in self-acceptance/ forgiveness/ love:
1.Sense of otherness- me and them- which makes one feel alone
2.Automatic defensiveness triggers the other’s defensiveness- Starting a chase
3.Unrealistic expectations from the other leading to disappointments,and a sense of failure in each
4.Conflicts don’t get resolved
5.Free floating resentment,with physical manifestation.
Thank you Tara, this is so insightful and extremely useful for myself and for my clients. Your words are like a mirrow in which I can see things so clearly and without fear, as they have an extraordinary ability to hold us in your warm, safe space.
It compromises their capacity for deep meaningful connection.
I feel as though I failed as a mother. Though my children ‘turned out well’ by society’s expectations, they are deeply resentful of my divorce (from their father) and have pulled away from me. This experience has left me very unsure of myself and I think I avoid having close relationships out of fear of rejection…
They’re unable to be honest in their relationships, and that creates a wall between them and their partners, family, and friends. They starve emotionally because they’re unable to ask for what they need or give freely to others, which necessitates more hiding and inner secrets. This creates a downward spiral of self-hatred and resentment toward others in their lives because they’re not getting what they need.
It prevents them from feeling understood, because others can’t deeply know them. It also sets them up for emotional reactivity and defensiveness when the other comes into contact with that which they try to hide. It create distance that ultimately sabotages intimacy and connection.
Exactly. My husband left our marriage and said this very thing. He always felt unworthy. He criticized himself, then turned it on me. He gathered resentments and nurtured them. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to get him to open up-for years I tried. Then he blew up our life with an affair. We’re divorcing. Shame and real intimacy can’t coexist.
When we are hiding we are not being truthful. This hiding/lying takes energy. As life goes one, it may require more and more energy to maintain this unnatural state. This energy could be put to use in far more beneficial ways. (ie. Being loving and compassionate…)
Thank you for providing your videos and messages!
likely they criticize exactly those traits in their partner and may feel even triggered
Totally agree that the root cause is most commonly in the ‘self’ and some form of inadequacy and judgment in the form of comparison, false set of beliefs, undeveloped or uneducated resilience. Developmentally our deficiencies around self-criticism and self acceptance stem from the lack of an unconditional nurturing in early life. We habituate the judgment. In this culture we are also taught to compare so then we despair. It is ME that is the problem most often. And it is me who has to look at and change what I am believing or doing. When I can be truly open and loving to me, not in fear, then I can trust and feel safe to admit whatever ‘IT’ is and I can forgive and move on.
We are living in a very unforgiving time. We are living in a time of deception and lies. It has been going on for a very long time. I think we are hitting a bottom. Maybe. I believe we WILL learn from it and though I certainly won’t be here to see it, maybe we will have a kinder, gentler, more creative equitable world. Thank you, Tara, for your generosity and desire to help people learn in a loving way about how we can each take the responsibility for the change we want to see. We can be the change. Blessings. Jane Meryll/Mamaroneck, NY. Coach, Meditation Teacher, Musician.
Here, here….I agree with Jane’s comments!
Thank you Tara, I was very moved by your outreach, easily seeing where it fits within the expression of my life.
With your grounding in meditation, you are living your values and beliefs, through complete love and generosity. from Mary, Meditation Learner, Music Therapist.
With work colleagues, I never feel strong, centered, and confident – yet I am considered an expert in my field, with years of experience.
Leads to many missteps of judgment and misunderstandings and resentment at times
They feel they have something to hide or something to prove. If it’s something to hide, they withdraw and retreat, if it’s something to prove they attack.
It means I’m never completely relaxed with others. I present a false front
They don’t trust the relationship or the person’s feelings for them and they seem them as conditional, rather than unconditional.
I think fear for me is at the bottom of when I don’t feel good about myself and act out on others.
Susan
Hiding parts of yourself means you can’t be true to yourself. Living out of alignment and never feeling truly seen are exhausting and makes it impossible to build truly deep and meaningful relationships.
I have pages and pages of scribble I have written in my dark moments (over many, many years) It’s definitely the stuff I don’t want to reveal. As I get older, I find myself in situations – I took up a sport, for instance – and you can bet all my self-criticism uncontrollably shines away for everyone to see. And I know this isolates people. I am filled with shame after certain matches. I then, act aloof and uninterested so I show up (less than enthusiastically), play, then leave. While the whole purpose to join something like that is to make connections, have an outlet, etc. This is just a “social” example. You mentioned in the video arguing with child and anger drives us further apart. And being criticized by my partner and feeling contempt. These are consuming my life right now. I am trying, but I feel hopeless a lot. I feel isolated in my own home. It’s been going on a long time so I feel there’s no going back to the closeness or the contentment.
It’s really hard to pinpoint one aspect. The one most terrible I may even hide from myself. It just may be arrogance, a feeling that I am somehow special and the pain and abuse I have suffered will serve a higher purpose and I will be be vindicated and everyone who has ever hurt me will see the error of their ways. That I never deserved to be mistreated that I am loveable and likeable and smart and creative, but no one appreciated me or my special uniqueness in real time. That ultimately it’s not me who is unworthy but the world that just isn’t ready for me.
Of course I am willing to admit this may be a huge cover-up. But how does it affect my relationships? I am defensive and venomous when anything remi d’s me Of the trauma or ways I was treated and ignored, not considered, as a child.
I long for the consideration of others to be thought of when they make choices in their words and behaviors, and when they don’t, I spiral into deep depression or rage.
I feel the same way as you. I get so angry with the world and my spouse or kid when it feels like they don’t hear me. Just like no one heard me as a child.
A part of me is so sure that if people see that I have deep moods and feel things very strongly they will think I’m strange and won’t want to be around me. Also that I do not like to be busy all the time and in this culture it seems like that’s treason. So I fear that if people knew that I’m just very happy sitting around sometimes doing nothing that I will be ostracized and unloved. And this can keep me from being fully real with people
You sound so like me. I can never do enough, seem strong and active enough. I feel just like you that my low levels of activity and time needed for thought interupt activities that would make me attractive to others. I am so afraid of not thinking through in detail what I do and say so that people will like me. I so need time to be alone to be at peace with myself. I don’t want to be a leader of anything. I do want to be helpful in whatever way I can to create a sense of connection to the world of activity.
In this case the person is not present. Questions are not answered directly, but avoiding the vulnerable parts from the other, lead to misunderstanding. This leads to superficial relating, even less than a friend.
I feel unaccomplished or that I have not lived up to my professional potential, and therefor feel intimidated around highly accomplished people. I struggle to feel good enough, or that I am fully valued and worthy.
I feel so unaccomplished also. I am so fearful of not being smart enough, active enough, good enough that I hide from other people as much as I can. I got a ph.d. in zoology because I find peace in observing the natural world. I try to find little things I can do to help others, but I’m so afraid they will see how inadequate I am.
Fear of not being worthy of someone’s love , fear of being boring, of not having the right sense of humor etc. Always longing for acceptance from other people and trying to fulfill their expectations.
I am 59 now and trying with meditation to find my own way. I do feel improvement and growing personal strength
Thank you for the good video and above all for the good example (yourself)
Thank you, Tara, for offering your wisdom and kindness. I’m beginning to realize that I give too much. What is happening is that the other person begins feeling overwhelmed and not enough. I think that I do this because I was told by my mother that I was selfish. All my life I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I am not selfish. I’m not enough. I have great difficulty accepting gifts or help from others. Again thank you for this opportunity to develop better relationships.
I am re-reading your book ‘True Refuge’, and finding within it the inter-connectedness of decades of teachings from so many diverse sources. All rolled into one.
In going through any really hard and difficult personal experience, much though we may prefer not to, gives that person a golden key to which he or she can then use to unlock the deep healing so many of us need.
I am in awe and delight at this meeting with Tara.
Thanks Tara – lovely talk. I’m a business owner and I find it hard to balance the needs of the business (mainly financially – particularly at the moment) with being a kind and caring employer. We’ve had to make tough decisions such as making redundancies and putting people on less hours. I feel like I am not being kind and have a lot of self doubt and then question whether I am cut out to be a boss. Should I just chuck it all in and become a mindfulness teacher, but then to do that, everyone would be out of work as there would be no one else to run our company. Thanks Cathy (UK) xx
Thank you, Dr. Tara. What I don’t want others to see is my anxiety and impulsiveness. And my insecurity in relation to so many areas of my life (Fear of not being loved or not knowing how to care for the people I love). Your video was very useful. Continuation of the excellent work. Best wishes from Portugal
They will never learn enough about themselves and others for sustainable relationships. Close relationships, which I am assuming most of us really want.
It would also be unfair to waist your time, theirs too.
Hello, for me what hurts the more and I try to hide it from my partner is jealousy, but probably the worst is when I’m not seen as a woman. This is a strong trigger that results in closing myself more and being judgemental toward him and myself. Thank you for the video.
I left a long relationship of more than 20 years with my family which is with friend and my son
We were 8, and I could not cope with it, it was to much
I went into depression took anti depressant and left. Without saying goodbye
I am still in a strictly business relationship, but I cut all my feelings long ago and still not forgiving myself for not being able to cope and share, eventhough I understand and know what brought me here, I have difficulty forgiving myself and reconnect with them especially my son that I feel I hurt so much
I know it is not my fault but it does not really help me
Thanks for giving light to this
Sometimes is lack of patience other times not easy to let go of resentment.
Tara, your an angel… this was so spot on and well timed… I judge myself for so many things, but I’m learning to let go… I’m a teacher and the workload is endless… as we move through this fraught time of global pandemic, my instruction has moved online… tech platforms, redesigning lessons so they suit online platforms, double the students due to budget cuts… my workload has over doubled… and my job is scrutinized by admin, students and parents… this is true for all teachers… I’m putting one foot in front of the other, taking deep breaths, and engaging in a continual reframing conversation with myself that prevents me from slipping into emotional self abuse… I have to be kind to myself so that I can give kindness to my students… rapport in the classroom is the bedrock of teaching and learning… thanks for the video… I needed it.
“How does hiding impact my relationships?” It simply keeps me from having them (emotionally intimate anyhow), period.
I don’t know, if I try to hide it — But it boils down to having wasted my life not using my potentials, not being conscious of them. Regretting, not forgetting. Being hard on myself and judgemental, thus, being hard on others (beloved ones). Of course, that affects my relationships. Feeling worthless, never good enough. How does “being yourself” work/feel?
Thank you Tara and NICABM for taking this serious.
Hi Tara, I need this for professional reasons, and for personal reasons, specially to repair my relationship with my husband, we’ve been married for 40 years, and I’m at the precipice of walking out, not that he’s not a good person, we’re so different in so many ways, and our relationship has been based on so many negative things up for the last several years. I can work on me, but working on my relationship can be so much more complicated. Tell me more, and help me understand as a mental health practitioner, Also as a woman who is older, 65, and still wanting to produce, be a part of the world, and repair a relationship that has been extremely disappointing. I know what to do clinically, logically, and everything else, for getting it done, letting myself feel again, without self-hate, loading, or lack is difficult, especially when people of my age have to do with Changes in our mental lives, physical lives, cognitive experiences, and also things that go with aging, especially when one partner is changing in one way and another the other partner is changing in other ways, you know incompatibility, fear, disappointment, and all those things go along with relationships specially when people like my husband and I deal with physical disability, mental health issues, lack of finances, and other things that go along with those later years. Thanks for sharing, and thank you for adding to My experience as you teach and help us or motivate forward. Blessings,