I have to stay away from Him and keep distance, cuz if I get too comfy and at ease, something may slip out and he’ll see what I really am. I have to stay close enough that he won’t leave, but also just out of reach that he can’t trap me in a “See, I gotcha” moment. I don’t want to feel all that shame of me pretending to be all that fine stuff, and him finding out he got cheated. I’m not the real deal, but a cheap imitation
I have problems asking for help because I feel like I need to always be completely self-sufficient. And I feel this way because I think I am not good enough for people to love and I will end up doing it all myself anyway. Being strong is also how I show I have value to other people. But, in the end, a lack of vulnerability leads to people thinking I am cold and pushy.
Deanna Zobel, Psychotherapy, Colorado Springs, CO, USAsays
First of all, they’re never able to connect with others on a deep, intimate, vulnerable level. This is a loss that affects all aspects of wellbeing. Research shows that people live healthier, longer, more meaningful lives when they have close relationships with others. Secondly, hiding pieces of themselves reinforces the shame cycle, which serves to negatively reinforce this behavior. As a therapist, I work very hard to address this with my clients, to provide a safe, accepting environment, and encourage them to practice these behaviors in our sessions.
When I hide the real me that fears rejection and feels unworthy it makes it very difficult for others to get close to me or for intimate relationships to develop.
Unfortunately the same issue inhibits often openness with a thearapist.If people with lack of self acceptance ever get there.
In couple relationship likely the threat of separation or separation can facilitate a need for change.But often by then the partner is no longer attached to want to work things out.
Young people should learn some basics about intimacy in highschool.
Many thanks for the inspirational message.
I believe by keeping parts of me hidden, I have not accepted All of me and will not heal that wounded part of myself. This has kept me distant to people I love and I have also been quick to judge this in others too.
It closes me up and isolates me. Its about not trusting others to see all of me. Past hurts and being let down or others nit being their true selves or lying, makes you retreat, close up, especially if it has happened a few times. You start to feel you should keep parts of you private to stop future hurts, so the pattern doesn’t reoccur.
It causes them to armor up and keep everyone at arm’s length. I think many of us have been living this way for so long that we don’t even know who we are or what we really like to do or feel. That deep exploration takes work and vulnerability.
I struggled with unworthiness – I’m not worthy of love. I felt that I have to do more, sacrifice more, achieve more to be loved. Constantly seeking validations. The insecurities I felt underneath my inner critics became my outer critics. I became judgemental towards my partner. It was an ego I put up to defend my insecurities and at the same time to feel more in control. The expectations I had for myself became the expectations I had for my partner and when the expectations weren’t met, I became angry, and all other negative emotions spiralled out. It wasn’t pleasant at all. Only until I realised that my experience was internal I started to work on myself to faced my inner demons and that changed the way I relate to myself and others. Thank you Tara and Nicabm. That was many years ago. I am now a mindfulness life coach and I see this trend of self-critism in everyone of my clients.
I’m grateful to join Tara and Jack to learn as much as I can to support my clients in their healing process and alleviate their sufferings.
In loving kindness.
I have shared my anger issues in the past, with some friends, how I slammed doors and threw things & swore etc when I was mad, and the most common reaction or response is disbelief and comments denying what I just shared like them trying to make me feel better and that those times weren’t really me; like they would say, “YOU? Angry? Slamming doors? NO WAY?” One time I told a friend to not try to “take me off the hook” but let me share this part of me and believe it. I also have shared with those who don’t shut me down,
how I have learned through meditation and reading Buddhist authors, to really go into those feelings when they happen and feel them using RAIN and how they are less frequent and not as intense. The hardest person to talk about this with was my husband. 🙂
IN YOUR EXAMPLE OF FEAR OF INTIMACY, WAS THE MA AWARE OF HIS VULNERABILITY/ FEAR OF REALNESS? IS THAT ANOTHER CATEGORY OF WHAT ONE WANTS TO HIDE FROM OTHERS? OR WHAT WAS HE HIDING FROM SPOUSE
THANKS
Often my clients already hold “secrets” from childhood due to csa. As such hiding aspects of themselves compounds the shame as it gets tied up in old trauma memories. Thus leading to the person feeling isolated, broken and lots and lots of shame that’s reinforced everyday. This leads to poor communication over compensation of doing for others, which then ends up in resentment etc etc.
I don’t like the part of me that resents other people not having special needs children like I do – this does impact my relationships with others deeply. Thank you Tara
btw I also find the background music in the video really distracting and therefore cannot concentrate very easily
Christine Yannelli, Other, Lafayette , CA, USAsays
I have a dysfunctional relationship with food and have bouts of binging. I don’t like how my body has changed yet cannot stay on a heathy food and exercise program. I self isolate and tend to decline opportunities to see friends. I don’t have a loving relationship with my self. I don’t feel worthy of love.
I tend to not open up to friends.
Wow – you and I are so similar. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food since childhood. I became an athlete in my 40’s that enabled me to eat a lot but as I have gotten older, dieting has become harder and less effective. I also don’t like being on a diet any more it is just exhausting. I know it also goes back to a sense of unworthiness but trying to unpack that – whew!! – that’s not fun!!
Ella Prejzner, Another Field, Arlington Heights, IL, USAsays
Blaming, guilt, sense of inadequacy, lack of trust, lack of intimacy, avoiding being close, shame, and many other negative emotions or limiting beliefs replace love, care, trust, kindness, intimacy, self-confidence, and more… if they have ever been there.
Thank you, always, Tara; for your wisdom and insight and kindness. May we always trust that our clients have come with the desire to grow and learn. And may we grow and learn with them.
I think I am a needy person underneath my independent able to tackle anything self image that I project. I do want to be loved and cared for. But my partner thinks that I am just fine because I go around with a bubbly persona chatting to people and doing things for others. I’m always doing things for others I realise now that I want the same from him which I don’t get I only get criticism which brings up my unworthiness , inadequacy in me. I do feel depressed when I think about it I do need to address this Thanks Tara
I grew up with a narcissist/ BPD/ sociopathic mother. That left many, many emotional scars and made it hard for me to trust people enough to share with them. When i have shared my experiences with partners, they became either disgusted by what i went through our they withdrew because they simply couldn’t understand or relate to me in any way afterward. I feel like for a partner to truly understand me that I have to share that part and I’ve never received compassion or understanding, just alienation. Perhaps it’s because i still keep picking emotionally unavailable men because it’s what I’ve been used to. I need to work on myself before I can even think of trying to be in a relationship. I’ve been single mostly my entire life because of this and any relationship i did have was short-lived and superficial because of my fears.
I have always had a feeling of being unworthy, of others attention and also afraid that I am not good enough.
I have been like this since childhood and have always put it down to my Mothers treatment of me for a few years when I was in my early teens before she left us to go with another man and end her marriage to my Dad. After reconnecting with her a few years later I was constantly pick at both about my appearance and latterly about the way I was rearing my children. This went on until she passed away a number of years ago. Still have those feelings of inadequacy into my seventies.
They then over emphasize what they see of themselves in others and tend to shame, criticize and argue with them in an attempt to make themselves acceptable!
They and I remain guarded; unable to self-disclose honestly and therefore unable to establish intimacy. Vulnerability in sharing the disowned & disliked parts of ourselves is essential to deep human connection.
thank you for sharing this video. you are right . During these global crisis situations we need to feel connectedness. We need to transform our self judgements into radical acceptance.
When a person does not accept themselves it can affect their relationships in many ways, from being very judgmental to being codependent. It depends on the individual.
I hide because I am afraid of exposure of my limitations……..people will criticize.
This keeps me small and constricted and not letting people get to close…..keeps me “safe”
Barbara Kozlowski, Marriage/Family Therapy, USAsays
Lessens connection and intimacy/vulnerability in relationship. For me less risk in my relationship if I keep certain parts away as well as feeds a belief I’m propelling I’m unworthy to been seen and no one understands me
I was rejected by one of my parents before even being born. That feeling of being abandoned is awful and I have tried to hide it and belong somewhere my whole life.
For me the inner critic is the engine of self-deprivation. That is, depriving myself of self-care and self-nurturing. The inner critic also informs my placing my partner’s needs before my own. Because I feel unworthy and I am afraid of being abandoned. As I turn my back on my own needs, I become resentful, something that may manifest as me being judgmental and critical of my partner or irritable with her.
There is often a defensive response when feeling inadequate which gets in the way of an empathic response. There could even be anger and blame for the other person making them feel such uncomfortable feelings.
The hiding, increases the loneliness, increases the self-judgement, increases the need to run away and hide… There is reluctance. I become super sensitive, and imagine that I have not said enough, or said too much, and have hurt the other’s feelings, and, thus, I should keep my mouth shut… which increases loneliness, and the cycle continues.
Opening up about our imperfections helps to take some of the fuel out of the anger that we feel towards ourselves. Dr. Daniel Siegel wisely stated that, “beneath anger and hostility is a longing to belong.”
I have to stay away from Him and keep distance, cuz if I get too comfy and at ease, something may slip out and he’ll see what I really am. I have to stay close enough that he won’t leave, but also just out of reach that he can’t trap me in a “See, I gotcha” moment. I don’t want to feel all that shame of me pretending to be all that fine stuff, and him finding out he got cheated. I’m not the real deal, but a cheap imitation
Wow, this seems to affect everyone I know. Thank you for making it clear.
I have problems asking for help because I feel like I need to always be completely self-sufficient. And I feel this way because I think I am not good enough for people to love and I will end up doing it all myself anyway. Being strong is also how I show I have value to other people. But, in the end, a lack of vulnerability leads to people thinking I am cold and pushy.
Another useful doorway to understand my blocks in different relationships. Thank you.
First of all, they’re never able to connect with others on a deep, intimate, vulnerable level. This is a loss that affects all aspects of wellbeing. Research shows that people live healthier, longer, more meaningful lives when they have close relationships with others. Secondly, hiding pieces of themselves reinforces the shame cycle, which serves to negatively reinforce this behavior. As a therapist, I work very hard to address this with my clients, to provide a safe, accepting environment, and encourage them to practice these behaviors in our sessions.
When I hide the real me that fears rejection and feels unworthy it makes it very difficult for others to get close to me or for intimate relationships to develop.
Unfortunately the same issue inhibits often openness with a thearapist.If people with lack of self acceptance ever get there.
In couple relationship likely the threat of separation or separation can facilitate a need for change.But often by then the partner is no longer attached to want to work things out.
Young people should learn some basics about intimacy in highschool.
Many thanks for the inspirational message.
I believe by keeping parts of me hidden, I have not accepted All of me and will not heal that wounded part of myself. This has kept me distant to people I love and I have also been quick to judge this in others too.
It closes me up and isolates me. Its about not trusting others to see all of me. Past hurts and being let down or others nit being their true selves or lying, makes you retreat, close up, especially if it has happened a few times. You start to feel you should keep parts of you private to stop future hurts, so the pattern doesn’t reoccur.
Don’t think I have the capacity to manage emotional weight.
It causes them to armor up and keep everyone at arm’s length. I think many of us have been living this way for so long that we don’t even know who we are or what we really like to do or feel. That deep exploration takes work and vulnerability.
More often than not, they withdraw from the other, and distance themselves to the point where communication breaks dow,
They withdraw or hold back for fear of being ‘discovered’.
I struggled with unworthiness – I’m not worthy of love. I felt that I have to do more, sacrifice more, achieve more to be loved. Constantly seeking validations. The insecurities I felt underneath my inner critics became my outer critics. I became judgemental towards my partner. It was an ego I put up to defend my insecurities and at the same time to feel more in control. The expectations I had for myself became the expectations I had for my partner and when the expectations weren’t met, I became angry, and all other negative emotions spiralled out. It wasn’t pleasant at all. Only until I realised that my experience was internal I started to work on myself to faced my inner demons and that changed the way I relate to myself and others. Thank you Tara and Nicabm. That was many years ago. I am now a mindfulness life coach and I see this trend of self-critism in everyone of my clients.
I’m grateful to join Tara and Jack to learn as much as I can to support my clients in their healing process and alleviate their sufferings.
In loving kindness.
It creates distance and distrust, leading to a breakup or constant anger and frustration.
It makes it difficult to trust others
I have shared my anger issues in the past, with some friends, how I slammed doors and threw things & swore etc when I was mad, and the most common reaction or response is disbelief and comments denying what I just shared like them trying to make me feel better and that those times weren’t really me; like they would say, “YOU? Angry? Slamming doors? NO WAY?” One time I told a friend to not try to “take me off the hook” but let me share this part of me and believe it. I also have shared with those who don’t shut me down,
how I have learned through meditation and reading Buddhist authors, to really go into those feelings when they happen and feel them using RAIN and how they are less frequent and not as intense. The hardest person to talk about this with was my husband. 🙂
IN YOUR EXAMPLE OF FEAR OF INTIMACY, WAS THE MA AWARE OF HIS VULNERABILITY/ FEAR OF REALNESS? IS THAT ANOTHER CATEGORY OF WHAT ONE WANTS TO HIDE FROM OTHERS? OR WHAT WAS HE HIDING FROM SPOUSE
THANKS
It makes you unable to be completely open with others
Often my clients already hold “secrets” from childhood due to csa. As such hiding aspects of themselves compounds the shame as it gets tied up in old trauma memories. Thus leading to the person feeling isolated, broken and lots and lots of shame that’s reinforced everyday. This leads to poor communication over compensation of doing for others, which then ends up in resentment etc etc.
What is CSA, Community Supported Agriculture?
I don’t like the part of me that resents other people not having special needs children like I do – this does impact my relationships with others deeply. Thank you Tara
btw I also find the background music in the video really distracting and therefore cannot concentrate very easily
I have a dysfunctional relationship with food and have bouts of binging. I don’t like how my body has changed yet cannot stay on a heathy food and exercise program. I self isolate and tend to decline opportunities to see friends. I don’t have a loving relationship with my self. I don’t feel worthy of love.
I tend to not open up to friends.
Wow – you and I are so similar. I have had an unhealthy relationship with food since childhood. I became an athlete in my 40’s that enabled me to eat a lot but as I have gotten older, dieting has become harder and less effective. I also don’t like being on a diet any more it is just exhausting. I know it also goes back to a sense of unworthiness but trying to unpack that – whew!! – that’s not fun!!
Blaming, guilt, sense of inadequacy, lack of trust, lack of intimacy, avoiding being close, shame, and many other negative emotions or limiting beliefs replace love, care, trust, kindness, intimacy, self-confidence, and more… if they have ever been there.
Shame, self doubt, fear, lack of rapport between client and support worked,
Thank you, always, Tara; for your wisdom and insight and kindness. May we always trust that our clients have come with the desire to grow and learn. And may we grow and learn with them.
I think I am a needy person underneath my independent able to tackle anything self image that I project. I do want to be loved and cared for. But my partner thinks that I am just fine because I go around with a bubbly persona chatting to people and doing things for others. I’m always doing things for others I realise now that I want the same from him which I don’t get I only get criticism which brings up my unworthiness , inadequacy in me. I do feel depressed when I think about it I do need to address this Thanks Tara
Thank you dear Tara for this wonderful gift. A much needed insight for me was gleaned from the nuggets of wisdom you conveyed.
I grew up with a narcissist/ BPD/ sociopathic mother. That left many, many emotional scars and made it hard for me to trust people enough to share with them. When i have shared my experiences with partners, they became either disgusted by what i went through our they withdrew because they simply couldn’t understand or relate to me in any way afterward. I feel like for a partner to truly understand me that I have to share that part and I’ve never received compassion or understanding, just alienation. Perhaps it’s because i still keep picking emotionally unavailable men because it’s what I’ve been used to. I need to work on myself before I can even think of trying to be in a relationship. I’ve been single mostly my entire life because of this and any relationship i did have was short-lived and superficial because of my fears.
less deep, less real, less intimate, less authentic.
THANK YOU. Wish my children would watch this.
I see the connection between self criticism and intimacy more clearly now. Look forward to the next talk. Thank you!
I have always had a feeling of being unworthy, of others attention and also afraid that I am not good enough.
I have been like this since childhood and have always put it down to my Mothers treatment of me for a few years when I was in my early teens before she left us to go with another man and end her marriage to my Dad. After reconnecting with her a few years later I was constantly pick at both about my appearance and latterly about the way I was rearing my children. This went on until she passed away a number of years ago. Still have those feelings of inadequacy into my seventies.
When someone doesn’t like themselves, they are negative about a lot of other things, people.
I’m afraid that others will see how low my self esteem is , I present as a very confident &
Capable woman .
Feeling insecure and not good enough
They then over emphasize what they see of themselves in others and tend to shame, criticize and argue with them in an attempt to make themselves acceptable!
They and I remain guarded; unable to self-disclose honestly and therefore unable to establish intimacy. Vulnerability in sharing the disowned & disliked parts of ourselves is essential to deep human connection.
thank you for sharing this video. you are right . During these global crisis situations we need to feel connectedness. We need to transform our self judgements into radical acceptance.
When a person does not accept themselves it can affect their relationships in many ways, from being very judgmental to being codependent. It depends on the individual.
I hide because I am afraid of exposure of my limitations……..people will criticize.
This keeps me small and constricted and not letting people get to close…..keeps me “safe”
Lessens connection and intimacy/vulnerability in relationship. For me less risk in my relationship if I keep certain parts away as well as feeds a belief I’m propelling I’m unworthy to been seen and no one understands me
I was rejected by one of my parents before even being born. That feeling of being abandoned is awful and I have tried to hide it and belong somewhere my whole life.
I really don’t know, except that feeling that way keeps me preoccupied with myself instead of being concerned with their issues.
For me the inner critic is the engine of self-deprivation. That is, depriving myself of self-care and self-nurturing. The inner critic also informs my placing my partner’s needs before my own. Because I feel unworthy and I am afraid of being abandoned. As I turn my back on my own needs, I become resentful, something that may manifest as me being judgmental and critical of my partner or irritable with her.
There is often a defensive response when feeling inadequate which gets in the way of an empathic response. There could even be anger and blame for the other person making them feel such uncomfortable feelings.
Creates or enhances shame, create an emotional barrier between self and others
Ihello!
good question and even better I applied it to myself. My answer was frightening and moving towards myself. Thankyou.
I’m not working on this field, but as a pacient I think when we are hidding our real problems takes more time find a way to fix it.
The hiding, increases the loneliness, increases the self-judgement, increases the need to run away and hide… There is reluctance. I become super sensitive, and imagine that I have not said enough, or said too much, and have hurt the other’s feelings, and, thus, I should keep my mouth shut… which increases loneliness, and the cycle continues.
Opening up about our imperfections helps to take some of the fuel out of the anger that we feel towards ourselves. Dr. Daniel Siegel wisely stated that, “beneath anger and hostility is a longing to belong.”