You are so intuitive … you nail all the insecurity issues some of us must face .
TY
Mine are all of the above … I am a super dragon slayer of self , sadly but am learning to accept and self love with help from you
Many thanks and blessings
xoxoxo
I hurt my partner very deeply many, many years ago. He passed away 6 years ago and I cannot forgive myself for what I did, thought and for hurting him.
What I don’t like about myself is that I’m not good enough. That there is something inherently wrong with me that makes me unlovable. That if people really knew me they wouldn’t love me. That they’d be disgusted and leave me. This affects my relationships because I hide the things I don’t like about myself which prevents my having a deep connection with my husband, daughter and friends.
I am just not good enough and I am frightened that my flaws as I see them will make me unloveable
I know this is flawed in itself but it is so deeply ingrained
My wife is divorcing me
I have lost my home and family
Not a sob story
Just fact
I know that self compassion is the only way forward for my rightful place within this planet
I feel isolated and sort of numb. I also tend to blame it on the situation or person what triggered it and I don’t like myself because of this either. So it is a mess pretty quick.
Bob Deutsch, Psychotherapy, West Hartford, CT, USAsays
They continue to maintain a thick emotional wall for self-protection, leading to mixed messages of need for connection while in reality providing rejection towards others.
I have known this after years of therapy. I can see those thoughts and I can feel my feelings and name them. Unfortunately this unworthiness has its hooks in deep. I am especially reactive when tired or feeling overwhelmed. I see how it affects my husband and new puppy. I feel deeply guilt ridden. I get triggered into this overwhelming suffering when I feel unnoticed and left out. It’s so intense that I can barely hold on. I don’t feel a sense of belonging except with my dear spouse. Everyone else seems like ghosts. Can the practice of seeing, naming and feeling and self-compassion truly heal my suffering?
Drew Mather, Another Field, Watsonville, CA, USAsays
Thank you, Tara, for sharing this video with all of us. So helpful. Hiding what I don’t like about myself impacts everything in my life. I am trying to get more comfortable with sharing the things I don’t like about myself with others. Your podcasts have been a tremendous help to me in doing that. Ever grateful for all you do to bring light and goodness into this world. Truly, thank you.
They very well may keep a part of themselves out of relationships and give only what seems acceptable or take on the task of figuring out what the other wants from them.
Unworthiness may come to us as a family legacy, and wey may compromise our capacity or dispositivo to intimacy out of this unconscious way of loving. Thanks for your guidance.
I found the videos extremely useful! Thanks Ruth and Tara for sharing them. I have a specific client who is struggling with his relationship with his wife and I will use the techniques with him.
Thank you for this insight… I understand now that not ‘liking’ aspects of me has kept me from even forming relationships at the moment. That is not to say that my relationships in the past have .. for the most part…not been truly beneficial to me. I would very much like to hear more. Thank you once again… martie spiegel
My husband always said that I spoke to him with resentment in my voice. For the 1st time ever, I realize it’s because of my own insecurities. Thank you Tara for your input in the healing of ourselves. God bless.
It’s about neglect. Pulling back and finding that “safe” or secure place that keeps you in trance, keeps you from facing the reality. But neglecting a relationship is worse than facing or aggressively acting on your fear. I’m finding that neglect is on both sides. I wait for something that never materializes. I see the neglect i’m facing and am frustrated with the lack of desire, lack of effort. But I neglect the relationship because I see no response. Which is worse? I feel I’ve tried, so my neglect is a direct response to the neglect on the other side. I want to break this pattern. Thank you Tara. Can’t tell you how much you and all you do means to me, how much you’ve helped me. xoxo
While I am working on this (trying to pause) I almost immediately become defensive to some specific triggers and lash out verbally and usually hurt fully. I also have this impulsive need to have my environment meticulously clean and get angry at others who don’t see the mess or help to clean.
This happens when I am feeling overwhelmed and don’t think I can get it all done or will mess up. I want my husband’s comfort, help and understanding but I struggle so much with communicating this as I don’t think he will get it.
My husband’s reaction is complete withdrawal from the situation and any further communication until I am calmer.
My client has chronic feelings of social isolation and readily points to flaws of others without awareness or conscious admission of deep self-judgement. I wish to support his growth in this area.
When I’m unhappy with how my writing is going, or even with really intractable and depressing problems at work I don’t feel I can control, I don’t want to share with my partner partly because it all seems too much, too complicated (he’s not a good listener and wants to problem-solve – that shuts down a lot of my desire to communicate because I give up in advance thinking it will fail or it’s too much work for a response that will make me feel worse) but also because, perhaps, I don’t want to feel like I’ve failed, maybe I want to avoid the shame; I’m not quite sure what is going on inside actually that I’m pushing away, but I can see that whatever that is, my behavior of not sharing reduces intimacy.
Hana Galperin, Another Field, Portland, OR, USAsays
Thank you, your teachings and giving is inspirational for me.
I agree that hiding away your inner world and not being vulnerable with a friend doesn’t allow us to be close and loving. But also going too far might also be destructive.
I used to have a very close relationship with a dear friend. I went through a very difficult time, I was depressed. I would share with her everything and I believe that it made her feel helpless, not able to help me. I was in a state beyond outside help. I needed to find my way out of it. Eventually, I did but by the time I did she disconnected from me. I tried repeated sending her messages that things are different and I want to reconnect, but she ignored me. It took 8 years for her to be willing to meet. The meeting didn’t go well. We are communicating here and there but a barrier was created with years that I don’t know how to overcome.
I tend to be totally open to reveal the darkest thought and feeling. I am not sure this is helpful. After the above-mentioned break, I am cautious. I am also not sure that sharing dark thoughts is healthy for me. It is permission to indulge in them.
I’m afraid that people will see I’m not very smart. I can’t make quick decisions & defend my position. I’m afraid of people telling me what to do with my life, of being bullied, of not being allowed to find my own way.
It limits relationship development because they don’t show up. There is a tendency to criticise the other for any request that causes discomfort ie for intimacy. This can further deepen the sense of separation and ‘not good enough.
Christina White, Counseling, Daytona Beach, FL, USAsays
This really does speak to the innate inferiority we all have, and such stays hidden (thus unresolved) until dialogue can be openly addressed- in a safe and accepting space. I needed this reminder. I am guilty of hiding too. Strange, because I cherish authenticity. It’s my hope we can all learn to accept eachother and radically so!!!
Paul Ruggeri, Another Field, Coventry, RI, USAsays
My wife and I have been married for decades and I have tended not to talk much about work when we are together. I have a habit of withdrawing, and sometimes act apathetic. I don’t like to admit I am tired and minimize challenges, also at times feeling a lack of self confidence and insecurity about myself, and I end up creating stress between us which impacts our limited times together and can spoil our togetherness.
.
It makes me stay quiet, I don’t know what to say to people, I don’t feel I have anything to say of interest, I’m not a fun person to be around etc etc I get jealous of my work colleagues laughing together.
You are so intuitive … you nail all the insecurity issues some of us must face .
TY
Mine are all of the above … I am a super dragon slayer of self , sadly but am learning to accept and self love with help from you
Many thanks and blessings
xoxoxo
Beautifully done… Thank you so much.
I hurt my partner very deeply many, many years ago. He passed away 6 years ago and I cannot forgive myself for what I did, thought and for hurting him.
What I don’t like about myself is that I’m not good enough. That there is something inherently wrong with me that makes me unlovable. That if people really knew me they wouldn’t love me. That they’d be disgusted and leave me. This affects my relationships because I hide the things I don’t like about myself which prevents my having a deep connection with my husband, daughter and friends.
I realize this process is priceless. This process of rescuing ourselves from our inner critic and shifting into a mindset of inner compassion.
I am just not good enough and I am frightened that my flaws as I see them will make me unloveable
I know this is flawed in itself but it is so deeply ingrained
My wife is divorcing me
I have lost my home and family
Not a sob story
Just fact
I know that self compassion is the only way forward for my rightful place within this planet
Limited emotional intimacy, distrust, misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication.
Secrecy, inauthenticity
Distancing, false self, loneliness, lovelessness
in many ways….i’m eager to learn more
Very useful application to a client I am working with
I feel isolated and sort of numb. I also tend to blame it on the situation or person what triggered it and I don’t like myself because of this either. So it is a mess pretty quick.
Defensiveness rules, Communication breaks down, and relationship suffers deeply.
I loved it! So helpful thanks you so much’
I’m not honest about what I’m feeling and so we don’t deal with it and I feel isolated.
They continue to maintain a thick emotional wall for self-protection, leading to mixed messages of need for connection while in reality providing rejection towards others.
Well said and very real for me
I have known this after years of therapy. I can see those thoughts and I can feel my feelings and name them. Unfortunately this unworthiness has its hooks in deep. I am especially reactive when tired or feeling overwhelmed. I see how it affects my husband and new puppy. I feel deeply guilt ridden. I get triggered into this overwhelming suffering when I feel unnoticed and left out. It’s so intense that I can barely hold on. I don’t feel a sense of belonging except with my dear spouse. Everyone else seems like ghosts. Can the practice of seeing, naming and feeling and self-compassion truly heal my suffering?
Thank you, Tara, for sharing this video with all of us. So helpful. Hiding what I don’t like about myself impacts everything in my life. I am trying to get more comfortable with sharing the things I don’t like about myself with others. Your podcasts have been a tremendous help to me in doing that. Ever grateful for all you do to bring light and goodness into this world. Truly, thank you.
They very well may keep a part of themselves out of relationships and give only what seems acceptable or take on the task of figuring out what the other wants from them.
Unworthiness may come to us as a family legacy, and wey may compromise our capacity or dispositivo to intimacy out of this unconscious way of loving. Thanks for your guidance.
I found the videos extremely useful! Thanks Ruth and Tara for sharing them. I have a specific client who is struggling with his relationship with his wife and I will use the techniques with him.
Thank you for this insight… I understand now that not ‘liking’ aspects of me has kept me from even forming relationships at the moment. That is not to say that my relationships in the past have .. for the most part…not been truly beneficial to me. I would very much like to hear more. Thank you once again… martie spiegel
Thankyou Tara!
This video ,as with your other self acceptance videos are inspirational and ground breaking ???
Loved it! So clear and to the point. Feeling greatful about this video . Tnx so much
Grazie, great
I found this so very helpful – practical and easy guide to deal with such a complex issue – how impressive ?
My husband always said that I spoke to him with resentment in my voice. For the 1st time ever, I realize it’s because of my own insecurities. Thank you Tara for your input in the healing of ourselves. God bless.
It’s about neglect. Pulling back and finding that “safe” or secure place that keeps you in trance, keeps you from facing the reality. But neglecting a relationship is worse than facing or aggressively acting on your fear. I’m finding that neglect is on both sides. I wait for something that never materializes. I see the neglect i’m facing and am frustrated with the lack of desire, lack of effort. But I neglect the relationship because I see no response. Which is worse? I feel I’ve tried, so my neglect is a direct response to the neglect on the other side. I want to break this pattern. Thank you Tara. Can’t tell you how much you and all you do means to me, how much you’ve helped me. xoxo
very real and effective approach in simple and easy words
It makes them blame others for the poverty of the relationship
Helpfull
While I am working on this (trying to pause) I almost immediately become defensive to some specific triggers and lash out verbally and usually hurt fully. I also have this impulsive need to have my environment meticulously clean and get angry at others who don’t see the mess or help to clean.
This happens when I am feeling overwhelmed and don’t think I can get it all done or will mess up. I want my husband’s comfort, help and understanding but I struggle so much with communicating this as I don’t think he will get it.
My husband’s reaction is complete withdrawal from the situation and any further communication until I am calmer.
I can truly resonate
My client has chronic feelings of social isolation and readily points to flaws of others without awareness or conscious admission of deep self-judgement. I wish to support his growth in this area.
I love this!! So true. What they’re hiding is creating a “mask” preventing them from stepping into the true self for that real and genuine connection.
When I’m unhappy with how my writing is going, or even with really intractable and depressing problems at work I don’t feel I can control, I don’t want to share with my partner partly because it all seems too much, too complicated (he’s not a good listener and wants to problem-solve – that shuts down a lot of my desire to communicate because I give up in advance thinking it will fail or it’s too much work for a response that will make me feel worse) but also because, perhaps, I don’t want to feel like I’ve failed, maybe I want to avoid the shame; I’m not quite sure what is going on inside actually that I’m pushing away, but I can see that whatever that is, my behavior of not sharing reduces intimacy.
Thank you, your teachings and giving is inspirational for me.
I agree that hiding away your inner world and not being vulnerable with a friend doesn’t allow us to be close and loving. But also going too far might also be destructive.
I used to have a very close relationship with a dear friend. I went through a very difficult time, I was depressed. I would share with her everything and I believe that it made her feel helpless, not able to help me. I was in a state beyond outside help. I needed to find my way out of it. Eventually, I did but by the time I did she disconnected from me. I tried repeated sending her messages that things are different and I want to reconnect, but she ignored me. It took 8 years for her to be willing to meet. The meeting didn’t go well. We are communicating here and there but a barrier was created with years that I don’t know how to overcome.
I tend to be totally open to reveal the darkest thought and feeling. I am not sure this is helpful. After the above-mentioned break, I am cautious. I am also not sure that sharing dark thoughts is healthy for me. It is permission to indulge in them.
they feel more isolated..and lonely and feel unaccepted because they cannot be themselves.
For me it’s laziness, vanity and insecurity. I get snappy and frustrated when I see those traits in my boyfriend or other people he cares for
Splits from authenticity and joy in , their lived experience.
Makes you secretive/guarded/closed off, judgemental of others, & arrogant (as if to make up for or paper over the layers of insecurity).
I think I don’t want people to know how boring I am. That I lack creativity and have a poor memory
I’m afraid that people will see I’m not very smart. I can’t make quick decisions & defend my position. I’m afraid of people telling me what to do with my life, of being bullied, of not being allowed to find my own way.
My son left this world, but he was a wonderful man.I remember him saying he just loved You Tara.Thought I would share.I miss him.Mary
I have been listening to you for years and it is lovely to watch a video and see your radiant face. Thank you for you’re generous gifts.
It limits relationship development because they don’t show up. There is a tendency to criticise the other for any request that causes discomfort ie for intimacy. This can further deepen the sense of separation and ‘not good enough.
They don’t let people in; use sarcasm to share feelings out of fear of response; isolate. ruminate.
My jealousy
This really does speak to the innate inferiority we all have, and such stays hidden (thus unresolved) until dialogue can be openly addressed- in a safe and accepting space. I needed this reminder. I am guilty of hiding too. Strange, because I cherish authenticity. It’s my hope we can all learn to accept eachother and radically so!!!
My wife and I have been married for decades and I have tended not to talk much about work when we are together. I have a habit of withdrawing, and sometimes act apathetic. I don’t like to admit I am tired and minimize challenges, also at times feeling a lack of self confidence and insecurity about myself, and I end up creating stress between us which impacts our limited times together and can spoil our togetherness.
.
It makes me stay quiet, I don’t know what to say to people, I don’t feel I have anything to say of interest, I’m not a fun person to be around etc etc I get jealous of my work colleagues laughing together.