hiding how i feel about myself comes out in twisted ways and often a conversation that is not uplifting or avoiding really being curious about the other person; sometimes i project things onto a person .. ” if they really knew me and what i am thinking , they would not care about me or like me ” , or there is some sort of invisible block of energy between us that is challenging
They feel the lack of thruth in themselves and do more to lie about their feelings and enter in a loop of selfjudgment and lies and feel less and less conected
I don’t know. My lack of confidence is hindering me from getting a great job. I’m in a relationship with someone who struggles with emotional connection.
When I pause and embrace myself, I think of myself as both Mother giving that acceptance and love and the child who is receiving it. It’s my sweet spot whenever I feel like I’m challenged with the negative narrative trying to disrupt me.
When I cover up my fears, my vulnerabilities, my anxieties, I’m less open and accessible – I do know that. I always feel a need to present a strong and happy face to the world (after having been really sad many times as a teenager) and in doing so, I’ve become really good at pushing down any fears or shames I may hold. I’m afraid that if I show them, I’ll be less “evolved” or less worthy…
If you show someone your unreal self/the mask you wear, you can never really feel accepted by that person anyway, because you’re being accepted for what you’re NOT.
Correction: If you show someone your unreal self/the mask you wear, you can never really feel accepted by that person anyway, because you’re being accepted for what you’re NOT.
If you show someone your unreal self/the mask you wear, you can never really accepted by that person anyway, because you’re being accepted for what you’re NOT.
When I have an experience with others that leaves me feeling that I lack enough skill, intelligence, curiosity, insight, you name it, I often have turned that self-doubt and reflected it toward my partner, triggering my criticisms of him. This leaves me focused on our faults rather than our strengths and the love we have for each other.
There is a feeling of inadequacy. I find communication a challenge. The words don’t come easily.
This impacts sleep anxiety not connecting.
I’ve improved over the years but I still see I avoid relationships and don’t form closer bonds.
Thank you
I hope this makes sense!!
Thank you Tara for your invaluable insight and compassion.
Even when I share my most vulnerable parts of myself, I’ve find myself left with the task of still having to work on accepting them alone. This sometimes leaves me feeling like I’m stuck in a chasm between the I and the We, and no further in deepening the relationship. Sometimes, with opposite feelings of being left alone and let down.
Namaste
This is how I feel too. My spouse seems so detached and content with himself that it’s like talking to a wall. Listening, but unresponsive. I’m almost always left feeling more alone than before I shared my innermost feelings. If he shares at all, it’s to tell me how my lack of contentment negatively affects him, which feels like I’m being blamed for how I’m feeling. I feel so alone and disappointed in this marriage.
Yes, exactly ! To both commenters above. I try to be honest and vulnerable because I believe that is how we can connect more deeply. My partner, though, has very little emotional insight, and usually just says nothing, or worse, changes the subject. Or else he defends himself and states that he is “fine“ with our level of communication. Is it men ? ? ?
There are times when I can’t be my authentic self. It’s almost like I have to be another person and then I begin to lie to others. I don’t like this about myself and sometimes it feels like it is so compulsive to lie just to be liked. I am on a journey and want to be able to show my vulnerability and be my true self. I know I can be lots of fun to be around but then I become to critical of myself and I am not enough.
I think everything that is wrong in my life stems from my feeling of unworthiness..I have tried everything..but continue to sabotage and resist any changes I want to make. This video is excellent. Thank you Tara.
I’m not a client but I listen to you a lot. I must have a few things I don’t like about myself but having hard time putting in words. I criticize my husband more than ever. I feel horrible Church means so much to him but not me. I will listen and learn.
I took a long time away from work to be with my kids. I had a hard time getting a job. I did get a job 18 months ago, but I still feel ashamed at how “behind” I am. To try to get ahead and prove myself, I am working too much and not seeing friends. I also haven’t dated in years because I am embarrassed by my career and the choices I made.
It builds walls, rather than open-hearted connection. “If yoiu really new me, you would not like me” is the belief when we don’t accept ourselves as good enough.
Wonderful done… Once again the issue of self-love and the acceptance & embracement of our own light and shadow.
How great you are explaing a very complex theme in simple to understand words. Thank you Tara
I don’t know exactly what my vulnerabilities are around not being good enough. I do know one very strong trigger and self critical voice – that tells me how stupid I am. I know that in relationships I become more and more critical, judgemental and ultimately contemptuous. I am twice married and divorced due in some part to difficulties in clear communication with the men I married – I realise that that is not all down to me, other than making a wrong judgement in the first place about our compatibility (there the feeling of Immense stupidity rises strong too). Thank you for your clear and deeply humane teachings. We are blessed ?
Thank you, ED, for your openness, I found myself in similaire fashion caused by insufficient formal éducation. Now, at 70, I feel well and joyful without so many superficielle needs. Enjoy life, ne blessed. Eva.
Sandy Hall, Supervisor, Steamboat Springs, CO, USAsays
Hiding my insecurities and deep feelings of unworthiness and trying to maintain the image of being happy, confident and so together has kept me from being vulnerable and authentic with the people I care about. My relationships feel shallow and I lack the intimacy that I dearly want.
as a 77 year old recent widow and an appreciative fan of Tara’s wisdom, when we do the hiding and reacting we have a doubled issue….. the issue of annoyance and the place from which the judgement originates…..very hard to untangle for me
Thank you, Tara, for this timely challenge, offered in your wonderfully compassionate and articulate style. I am so grateful for your life of service to our planet. The ripples of love which you create through your work are changing our global community from the inside out. Thank you personally as well. I experience so much synchrony in your work as it relates to my journey. The Divine touches and heals me every time I participate in your offerings. May you be even more richly blessed today than you were yesterday. Hugs from my heart. ?
When I hide what I don’t like about myself keeps me trapped in myself and not being ‘real’with others. By not being vulnerable I’m cutting off sharing with others who I really am.
As the client hides and avoids what they don’t like about themselves, they turn in and disconnect from others and by doing this they push away from others and turn more against themselves.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself has destroyed relationships. Inherent in the hiding was feelings of self judgement, of not living up to what I thought the other person expected of me, comparing myself to them and their positive qualities and feelings of unworthiness. When two people are hiding what they don’t like about themselves because they are comparing or are not living up to what they think others expect of them or even from the judgement of the other’s habits or beliefs, this can result in mutual self judgment and feelings of unworthiness which causes further further problems. We don’t get trained from an early age to be aware or understand or how to process or how to talk about these things and it is a failure of society in my opinion and has had a significant impact on the happiness and satisfaction I have experienced in my life.
Pushing down emotions of not being good enough also includes keeping loving emotions from surfacing. It also includes being gruff with a partner to keep them from getting close enough to see that they aren’t good enough. And that includes not letting them see the anxiety, fear and depression. But that also keeps them from dealing with anxiety, fear and depression.
They withdraw and become isolated, they can be defensive of self and critical of others. They minimise the importance of those relationships to themselves.
Their relationships become distant and lacking in intimacy, and the impact of this is increased potential for the inability to co-regulate. This can lead to problems with depression and anxiety and low self esteem.
They use their adaptive défenses to protect their vulnerability and feel safer but alone and sad they really want to be loved and cared fir her but the need to protect is too strong
CarOline Hart, Another Field, Manteca, CA, USAsays
With my family: I don’t want them to see how disconnected I feel we are. I’m talking about two daughters, two grandsons, and one granddaughter. Ages 21 to 59. All intelligent, mostly self-aware, lovely people. They are all very busy with jobs, their lives, and their relationships with each other, and friends. I’m 79 and live in a senior living community. I don’t want them to see meas “clinging.”
I don’t like the when I become judgmental. Also I fear that people won’t like me, or lose respect if they really knew me.
hiding how i feel about myself comes out in twisted ways and often a conversation that is not uplifting or avoiding really being curious about the other person; sometimes i project things onto a person .. ” if they really knew me and what i am thinking , they would not care about me or like me ” , or there is some sort of invisible block of energy between us that is challenging
I judge my intelligence. This impacts my relationship with others because I’m self-conscious and guarded about what I say.
Avoiding vulnerability and realness is true for many of us.
They feel the lack of thruth in themselves and do more to lie about their feelings and enter in a loop of selfjudgment and lies and feel less and less conected
I believe that I’m fat and not beautiful and not intelligent enough, that affects my overall confidence as well as our sexual relationship.
I don’t know. My lack of confidence is hindering me from getting a great job. I’m in a relationship with someone who struggles with emotional connection.
When I pause and embrace myself, I think of myself as both Mother giving that acceptance and love and the child who is receiving it. It’s my sweet spot whenever I feel like I’m challenged with the negative narrative trying to disrupt me.
When I cover up my fears, my vulnerabilities, my anxieties, I’m less open and accessible – I do know that. I always feel a need to present a strong and happy face to the world (after having been really sad many times as a teenager) and in doing so, I’ve become really good at pushing down any fears or shames I may hold. I’m afraid that if I show them, I’ll be less “evolved” or less worthy…
If you show someone your unreal self/the mask you wear, you can never really feel accepted by that person anyway, because you’re being accepted for what you’re NOT.
Correction: If you show someone your unreal self/the mask you wear, you can never really feel accepted by that person anyway, because you’re being accepted for what you’re NOT.
This is invaluable, especially during this highly stressful potentially frightening time. Thank you so much.
If you show someone your unreal self/the mask you wear, you can never really accepted by that person anyway, because you’re being accepted for what you’re NOT.
When I have an experience with others that leaves me feeling that I lack enough skill, intelligence, curiosity, insight, you name it, I often have turned that self-doubt and reflected it toward my partner, triggering my criticisms of him. This leaves me focused on our faults rather than our strengths and the love we have for each other.
they feel unworthy and believe people will not accept them for who they are
Good to see Gottman incorporated into theory but also to see it taken a step further.
There is a feeling of inadequacy. I find communication a challenge. The words don’t come easily.
This impacts sleep anxiety not connecting.
I’ve improved over the years but I still see I avoid relationships and don’t form closer bonds.
Thank you
I hope this makes sense!!
When I hide things about myself I limit the level of closeness with my husband. In fact, it may push him away.
Thank you Tara for your invaluable insight and compassion.
Even when I share my most vulnerable parts of myself, I’ve find myself left with the task of still having to work on accepting them alone. This sometimes leaves me feeling like I’m stuck in a chasm between the I and the We, and no further in deepening the relationship. Sometimes, with opposite feelings of being left alone and let down.
Namaste
This is how I feel too. My spouse seems so detached and content with himself that it’s like talking to a wall. Listening, but unresponsive. I’m almost always left feeling more alone than before I shared my innermost feelings. If he shares at all, it’s to tell me how my lack of contentment negatively affects him, which feels like I’m being blamed for how I’m feeling. I feel so alone and disappointed in this marriage.
Yes, exactly ! To both commenters above. I try to be honest and vulnerable because I believe that is how we can connect more deeply. My partner, though, has very little emotional insight, and usually just says nothing, or worse, changes the subject. Or else he defends himself and states that he is “fine“ with our level of communication. Is it men ? ? ?
There are times when I can’t be my authentic self. It’s almost like I have to be another person and then I begin to lie to others. I don’t like this about myself and sometimes it feels like it is so compulsive to lie just to be liked. I am on a journey and want to be able to show my vulnerability and be my true self. I know I can be lots of fun to be around but then I become to critical of myself and I am not enough.
It directly impacts communication with interpersonal relationships and strengthens intrapersonal conflict.
I think everything that is wrong in my life stems from my feeling of unworthiness..I have tried everything..but continue to sabotage and resist any changes I want to make. This video is excellent. Thank you Tara.
I’m not a client but I listen to you a lot. I must have a few things I don’t like about myself but having hard time putting in words. I criticize my husband more than ever. I feel horrible Church means so much to him but not me. I will listen and learn.
Negative self-image blocks them from truly connecting. It also makes them more critical and judging of others.
Thanks for the video Tara.
In answer to your question their relationships seem to be more fraught with anger and much distance. Many is so fearful to reveal their true selves.
I took a long time away from work to be with my kids. I had a hard time getting a job. I did get a job 18 months ago, but I still feel ashamed at how “behind” I am. To try to get ahead and prove myself, I am working too much and not seeing friends. I also haven’t dated in years because I am embarrassed by my career and the choices I made.
It builds walls, rather than open-hearted connection. “If yoiu really new me, you would not like me” is the belief when we don’t accept ourselves as good enough.
Thanks Tara
Wonderful done… Once again the issue of self-love and the acceptance & embracement of our own light and shadow.
How great you are explaing a very complex theme in simple to understand words. Thank you Tara
I’ve certainly noticed the Increased intensity of feelings that has come with the recent pandemic, in myself as well as others
It leaves the connection partial, superficial, it hurts somehow because there’s this underlying fear of If-I-show-myself-as-I-am,-I-won’t-be-accepted
It affects their ability to communicate openly and honestly in the presence of those that they feel don’t value them.
I don’t know exactly what my vulnerabilities are around not being good enough. I do know one very strong trigger and self critical voice – that tells me how stupid I am. I know that in relationships I become more and more critical, judgemental and ultimately contemptuous. I am twice married and divorced due in some part to difficulties in clear communication with the men I married – I realise that that is not all down to me, other than making a wrong judgement in the first place about our compatibility (there the feeling of Immense stupidity rises strong too). Thank you for your clear and deeply humane teachings. We are blessed ?
Thank you, ED, for your openness, I found myself in similaire fashion caused by insufficient formal éducation. Now, at 70, I feel well and joyful without so many superficielle needs. Enjoy life, ne blessed. Eva.
The game of hiding what i don t like means no open hearted connection can develop, i m too focused on hiding the not so ‘positive’ parts about myself.
Hiding my insecurities and deep feelings of unworthiness and trying to maintain the image of being happy, confident and so together has kept me from being vulnerable and authentic with the people I care about. My relationships feel shallow and I lack the intimacy that I dearly want.
as a 77 year old recent widow and an appreciative fan of Tara’s wisdom, when we do the hiding and reacting we have a doubled issue….. the issue of annoyance and the place from which the judgement originates…..very hard to untangle for me
Thank you, Tara, for this timely challenge, offered in your wonderfully compassionate and articulate style. I am so grateful for your life of service to our planet. The ripples of love which you create through your work are changing our global community from the inside out. Thank you personally as well. I experience so much synchrony in your work as it relates to my journey. The Divine touches and heals me every time I participate in your offerings. May you be even more richly blessed today than you were yesterday. Hugs from my heart. ?
When I hide what I don’t like about myself keeps me trapped in myself and not being ‘real’with others. By not being vulnerable I’m cutting off sharing with others who I really am.
As the client hides and avoids what they don’t like about themselves, they turn in and disconnect from others and by doing this they push away from others and turn more against themselves.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself has destroyed relationships. Inherent in the hiding was feelings of self judgement, of not living up to what I thought the other person expected of me, comparing myself to them and their positive qualities and feelings of unworthiness. When two people are hiding what they don’t like about themselves because they are comparing or are not living up to what they think others expect of them or even from the judgement of the other’s habits or beliefs, this can result in mutual self judgment and feelings of unworthiness which causes further further problems. We don’t get trained from an early age to be aware or understand or how to process or how to talk about these things and it is a failure of society in my opinion and has had a significant impact on the happiness and satisfaction I have experienced in my life.
It makes them avoid interacting with people or doing anything where people can see them for fear of making a mistake publicly.
Pushing down emotions of not being good enough also includes keeping loving emotions from surfacing. It also includes being gruff with a partner to keep them from getting close enough to see that they aren’t good enough. And that includes not letting them see the anxiety, fear and depression. But that also keeps them from dealing with anxiety, fear and depression.
It creates conflict that can ultimately distroy relationships or at the very least cause a person or persons to feel lonely and isolated.
They overcompensate by offering to give more of themselves than is reasonable, after which they burn out mentally and physically.
This. <3
Hard to be open to to another when we’re spending energy hiding a piece of ourselves
They withdraw and become isolated, they can be defensive of self and critical of others. They minimise the importance of those relationships to themselves.
I really resonate with this and agree whole heartedly
Their relationships become distant and lacking in intimacy, and the impact of this is increased potential for the inability to co-regulate. This can lead to problems with depression and anxiety and low self esteem.
They use their adaptive défenses to protect their vulnerability and feel safer but alone and sad they really want to be loved and cared fir her but the need to protect is too strong
With my family: I don’t want them to see how disconnected I feel we are. I’m talking about two daughters, two grandsons, and one granddaughter. Ages 21 to 59. All intelligent, mostly self-aware, lovely people. They are all very busy with jobs, their lives, and their relationships with each other, and friends. I’m 79 and live in a senior living community. I don’t want them to see meas “clinging.”