I very much liked the idea of inviting the client to see him or herself as a friend might. This is a neat way of getting the client to step out of what I call the reactive self and into the creative self within.
Divorcing my son’s father 9 years ago brought my son years of of pain, confusion, and hardship. I’ve lived with tremendous guilt and shame for putting my needs above his in that decision. Imagining our interactions in the absence of guilt and shame was a game changer. Suddenly I could see myself being more present for the gifts of the moment to moment love we share without the film of the guilt acting as a barrier between us. It seemed like the air had cleared, like I could literally breathe with more ease. It began to make sense that he’d done things for which he felt guilty and I was modeling for him how to release his own guilt.
My being overcome by irritation, resentment, anger make me feel that I am failing, oftentimes I relate to my wife when I am not in harmony with myself. I often am unconscious of the fact that it is about me. I project my disharmony and feel that she is the cause of my disequilibrium. I think it is even possible that my being out of harmony, might even create a state in which my wife might be caught in my own inner macabre dance – and she might even do something to trigger and provoke me. Today is a new day to practice breathing and calming and taking care of myself in order to take care of my relationship.
As an aside, I think that this talk should have come before the previous one, since it discusses ways to tame “the beast”. (stop the acting out) The previous video rather assumed that “the beast” had been tamed enough to begin observing thoughts and emotions. (i.e, stopping, mindfulness, concentration, insight).
My only child and beloved son killed himself three years ago. I am trying to fogive myself having been a Mindfulness and a Mindful Self-Compassion teacher and Counsellor with good skills but it isn’t easy. Sometimes it feels worse. Doing that practice just now was helpful in the moment but I am so mentally and emotionally unstable now, it doesnt seem to hold for any length of time, no matter how much I practice. I send you my kindest regards and thanks for your teaching. Barbara
I have felt guilty for several years because I got angry about a situation I found myself in when my Partner (now passed over) and a friend made me feel bad about a situation they said I had created. There was no physical abuse involved but I vented my anger in words to my Partner which ended with a breakdown in our relationship. Within days I knew that although my Partners friend probably had reason to verbally accuse me for my actions I did all I could to make amends for the situation and the relationship was healed. That said, I still feel guilty of that occasion of 5 years ago.
When I did your last excerise and forgave myself genuinely, I realized that I could connect to that person in a deeper level. This self blame was stoping me to form an deep connection with him. And I was also able to forgive him for the things he have done to me. I realized I was ok and I had more understanding towards him and his actions.
So even him without knowing what’s going on sth has shifted in our connection.
thanks a lot Tara. I feel grateful to be a part of this. Because I know I can use this approach more safely with my clients, since I have gone through it.
looking forward for your other sharing.
I find as soon as I practice ‘self- soothing’ towards myself, its eases my anger, finding some comforting words and gestures to say or activate discreetly when I’m in the company of others really helps to bring a balance to my moods.
Thanks Tara for articulately the process so clearly.
Forgiveness can be so freeing – even when another might have wronged you, to forgive and accept your own path in this can open up possibilities for transformation. So good Tara Brach to see and feel your genuine compassion and tenderness for others. Thankyou.
Thank you Tara. I am in a bind about not forgiving myself for not forgiving someone else for a hurt I received from them. I am holding that their behaviour was to do with their hurt and they were unable to grasp the effect it had on me….the hurt I felt…..I know that i responded in the way I did because of previous hurts – rejection, abandonment. I am fiinding it even after years, hard to let go of that hurt and thinking of “what …did to me” and I feel guilty because i am still holding onto it…..so work to be done here and your teaching is helpful.
Thank you.
This exercise reinforced the importance of self-compassion in helping you to be kinder to yourself which then helps you be kinder to others.
I loved the question of how is self-hatred or guilt making you a better person as I way to open the possibility of self-forgiveness.
Thank you Tara
I found myself in the exercise deepening into the pain that underlay my struggles in earlier relationships, predating the one I had focused on. In this, I found a very loving part of myself again and realised that I had shut her away because I felt she had hurt other people. Looking back over this 40 year timespan, it seemed a simple act of living kindness to ease up on this part of myself and accept that she is also part of me. Thank you for opening up this possibility with such wise words and such a simple exercise.
nicole gilbert, Counseling, south portland, ME, USAsays
What about folks who don’t even realize their lack of feelings of self worth and therefore don’t even recognize that they are hurting themselves and others….how to interrupt that pattern?
As a long term meditator it is very easy to slip into a habitual practice routine and remain addicted to that comfort zone! A lifetime of conditioned unworthiness can sometimes stay below the radar and the experiential feeling of forgiveness not ever developed or valued. This is definitely a personal area that needs attention for me.
Selbstbewusstsein, Selbstbewusstheit … My mother tongue is German. And listening to Tara with her invitation of thinking in the modus of “WE” – this drives me out of my “Selbstbewusstsein, Selbstbewusstheit”. And at the same time the feelings, that if I forgive myself that could not be true and honest and authentical enough. Because I grew up with the sense not so much of shame but of guilt. And, of course, where there was guilt, there had to be shame – at least under the watching eyes of God. This is what the words “Selbstbewusstsein and Selbstbewusstheit” had triggered in me for decades.
So, thank you Tara Brach, for your teachings. And for your smile and your voice that let me feel trust and authenticy as a human trait which I also may be part of. So this goes from body to brain and then back to body … The brain has to be convinced to make it a lasting experience – that’s not so easy …
I loved the citation: revenge is a lazy form of grief.
It take more courage to welcome was is than to do anything to “fight” what we are afraid to meet.
I sat with Anger long enough until she told me her real name is Grief
I don’t know who said that but that’s what came to mind when I watched this. Still working on forgiving myself and in some moments like watching this teaching, I do feel a certain amount of peace and can think of myself and others more kindly
Thank you, just thinking about a relationship that I am showing up with guilt. And getting permission to forgive myself has already started the a new thinking for me. Sometimes guilt about a past event makes you behave too lenient in the present, letting that person do things and step over boundaries/not being accountable, which I will not allow for others. Eventually it is even worse for the relationship.
what wisdom do you have for working with a parent whose only child committed suicide…..the parent cannot forgive himself
THANK YOU SO MUCH for three beautiful videos
I spent a lot of time crying listening to this. I get angry at myself for being sick and frustrated and then I worry about being negative and being so miserable. I feel ashamed of being sad. Ashamed of being sick. I feel so incredibly alone and disconnected and long for love and connection. I know I need to find that love and connection within. I understand the healing may come from radical self acceptance and I am trying to love myself. Not really sure how to do so, I just think my life depends on it right now.
I realise I test people –
Deep down I feel unlovable
when people don’t act in a generous thoughtful way to me I attack and threatening to cut off.
I guess I’m trying to prove that my parents Did actually loved me through my friends or .Lovers
. that would be a hard thing for them to live up to.
I feel very strong and Proud of my achievements…. but I also feel very vulnerable At the same time,
This is so important. Shame and guilt lead to defensiveness and self-protection that then make it hard to listen and connect with other – fuelling more disconnect and hurt.
I find it difficult to relate to this exercise. I felt unwelcome n he family in which I grew up. It seemed my verg presence was unwelcome- just existing. My mother did not wsnt a second child. My father had insisted. My father insisted. Yet he seemed to look thru me. My five tear older sistef did not luke me. We bad a well-ordered house. Therd was a chIr at the table fir me, a bed, clothing, presents in my birthday. But I felt alone. I withdrew. Mary, Mary, quite contrary!
Obey, and be ignored. It ishard for me to relate to your exercise. I was a good girl or a silent one. V
I have realised that the tension inside me is my own self criticism and fear of what others think of me. It is draining; and has resulted in barriers in relationships and an inability to be fully relaxed. Being aware of this is a revelation and aids in working towards working on self compassion.
Self-Forgiveness, awareness, being with feelings, feeling the feelings…it is constant work in being with what is. The possibility that healing is possible is appreciated.
I find that I pour myself into my work at the expense of my personal boundaries (which I haven’t fully established) and my relationship with my family, because I feel like I need the acceptance, and sometimes admiration, of my work colleagues to validate that I am worthy of the position I’m in and prove my worth to the team. I say and feel that my priority is my family and my well-being but my actions chase the validation from my relationship with work over setting and abiding by boundaries that truly put my loved ones first.
Very good advise.
This was a wonderfully gently way of opening the possibilities of self forgiveness, many thanks.
I very much liked the idea of inviting the client to see him or herself as a friend might. This is a neat way of getting the client to step out of what I call the reactive self and into the creative self within.
Thank you very much. It moves me. I would like to learn more from you.
Divorcing my son’s father 9 years ago brought my son years of of pain, confusion, and hardship. I’ve lived with tremendous guilt and shame for putting my needs above his in that decision. Imagining our interactions in the absence of guilt and shame was a game changer. Suddenly I could see myself being more present for the gifts of the moment to moment love we share without the film of the guilt acting as a barrier between us. It seemed like the air had cleared, like I could literally breathe with more ease. It began to make sense that he’d done things for which he felt guilty and I was modeling for him how to release his own guilt.
My being overcome by irritation, resentment, anger make me feel that I am failing, oftentimes I relate to my wife when I am not in harmony with myself. I often am unconscious of the fact that it is about me. I project my disharmony and feel that she is the cause of my disequilibrium. I think it is even possible that my being out of harmony, might even create a state in which my wife might be caught in my own inner macabre dance – and she might even do something to trigger and provoke me. Today is a new day to practice breathing and calming and taking care of myself in order to take care of my relationship.
As an aside, I think that this talk should have come before the previous one, since it discusses ways to tame “the beast”. (stop the acting out) The previous video rather assumed that “the beast” had been tamed enough to begin observing thoughts and emotions. (i.e, stopping, mindfulness, concentration, insight).
Thanks so much Tara. I look forward to learning more about this. Very moving
Would love to know more re shame and self hatred in relationships
Dear Tara,
My only child and beloved son killed himself three years ago. I am trying to fogive myself having been a Mindfulness and a Mindful Self-Compassion teacher and Counsellor with good skills but it isn’t easy. Sometimes it feels worse. Doing that practice just now was helpful in the moment but I am so mentally and emotionally unstable now, it doesnt seem to hold for any length of time, no matter how much I practice. I send you my kindest regards and thanks for your teaching. Barbara
Thank you.
The way we treat the self, is grounding for the way we treat our close ones.
Thank you for a lovely lesson.
Thank you Tara.
All my life I’ve struggled with feeling like I don’t belong…so any guidance in helping me feel connected would be great, thank you.
I have felt guilty for several years because I got angry about a situation I found myself in when my Partner (now passed over) and a friend made me feel bad about a situation they said I had created. There was no physical abuse involved but I vented my anger in words to my Partner which ended with a breakdown in our relationship. Within days I knew that although my Partners friend probably had reason to verbally accuse me for my actions I did all I could to make amends for the situation and the relationship was healed. That said, I still feel guilty of that occasion of 5 years ago.
When I did your last excerise and forgave myself genuinely, I realized that I could connect to that person in a deeper level. This self blame was stoping me to form an deep connection with him. And I was also able to forgive him for the things he have done to me. I realized I was ok and I had more understanding towards him and his actions.
So even him without knowing what’s going on sth has shifted in our connection.
thanks a lot Tara. I feel grateful to be a part of this. Because I know I can use this approach more safely with my clients, since I have gone through it.
looking forward for your other sharing.
I find as soon as I practice ‘self- soothing’ towards myself, its eases my anger, finding some comforting words and gestures to say or activate discreetly when I’m in the company of others really helps to bring a balance to my moods.
Thanks Tara for articulately the process so clearly.
Forgiveness can be so freeing – even when another might have wronged you, to forgive and accept your own path in this can open up possibilities for transformation. So good Tara Brach to see and feel your genuine compassion and tenderness for others. Thankyou.
I so appreciate this gentle open ended exercise as it allows the soft vulnerable self to move forward into the present moment to seen and named. Ty
Thank you Tara. I am in a bind about not forgiving myself for not forgiving someone else for a hurt I received from them. I am holding that their behaviour was to do with their hurt and they were unable to grasp the effect it had on me….the hurt I felt…..I know that i responded in the way I did because of previous hurts – rejection, abandonment. I am fiinding it even after years, hard to let go of that hurt and thinking of “what …did to me” and I feel guilty because i am still holding onto it…..so work to be done here and your teaching is helpful.
Thank you.
Seeing link between self criticism, blame, loss of relationship, depression,
This exercise reinforced the importance of self-compassion in helping you to be kinder to yourself which then helps you be kinder to others.
I loved the question of how is self-hatred or guilt making you a better person as I way to open the possibility of self-forgiveness.
Thank you Tara
As i listened, I realized this is something I’ve finally begun to do in my most intimate relationships. The change has been so empowering.
Wonderful words of wisdom, for open ears to hear. Thank you ?
Thank you for sharing this. Very soothing and constructive. Timely for sure in these strange days.
I found myself in the exercise deepening into the pain that underlay my struggles in earlier relationships, predating the one I had focused on. In this, I found a very loving part of myself again and realised that I had shut her away because I felt she had hurt other people. Looking back over this 40 year timespan, it seemed a simple act of living kindness to ease up on this part of myself and accept that she is also part of me. Thank you for opening up this possibility with such wise words and such a simple exercise.
What about folks who don’t even realize their lack of feelings of self worth and therefore don’t even recognize that they are hurting themselves and others….how to interrupt that pattern?
This. Thank you, Tara Brach.
As a long term meditator it is very easy to slip into a habitual practice routine and remain addicted to that comfort zone! A lifetime of conditioned unworthiness can sometimes stay below the radar and the experiential feeling of forgiveness not ever developed or valued. This is definitely a personal area that needs attention for me.
Heartfelt thanks for all your teaching.
Selbstbewusstsein, Selbstbewusstheit … My mother tongue is German. And listening to Tara with her invitation of thinking in the modus of “WE” – this drives me out of my “Selbstbewusstsein, Selbstbewusstheit”. And at the same time the feelings, that if I forgive myself that could not be true and honest and authentical enough. Because I grew up with the sense not so much of shame but of guilt. And, of course, where there was guilt, there had to be shame – at least under the watching eyes of God. This is what the words “Selbstbewusstsein and Selbstbewusstheit” had triggered in me for decades.
So, thank you Tara Brach, for your teachings. And for your smile and your voice that let me feel trust and authenticy as a human trait which I also may be part of. So this goes from body to brain and then back to body … The brain has to be convinced to make it a lasting experience – that’s not so easy …
I’d feel more present in a positive way with my loved ones by allowing true self forgiveness into my heart.
I loved the citation: revenge is a lazy form of grief.
It take more courage to welcome was is than to do anything to “fight” what we are afraid to meet.
I felt sad thank you
I sat with Anger long enough until she told me her real name is Grief
I don’t know who said that but that’s what came to mind when I watched this. Still working on forgiving myself and in some moments like watching this teaching, I do feel a certain amount of peace and can think of myself and others more kindly
It helps me to feel softer, and kinder. Not as harsh.
Wonderful advice and questions that are gentle yet powerful. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, just thinking about a relationship that I am showing up with guilt. And getting permission to forgive myself has already started the a new thinking for me. Sometimes guilt about a past event makes you behave too lenient in the present, letting that person do things and step over boundaries/not being accountable, which I will not allow for others. Eventually it is even worse for the relationship.
Thankyou for sharing this
what wisdom do you have for working with a parent whose only child committed suicide…..the parent cannot forgive himself
THANK YOU SO MUCH for three beautiful videos
Thank you.
I’m hearing that forgiveness of self opens up ones heart to in turn forgive others…
Looking forward to your guided meditation.
Thank you
I spent a lot of time crying listening to this. I get angry at myself for being sick and frustrated and then I worry about being negative and being so miserable. I feel ashamed of being sad. Ashamed of being sick. I feel so incredibly alone and disconnected and long for love and connection. I know I need to find that love and connection within. I understand the healing may come from radical self acceptance and I am trying to love myself. Not really sure how to do so, I just think my life depends on it right now.
Thank you that was really helpful indeed. I have had clients struggle with this over the years
Cheryl Hegarty
When I forgave myself I felt lighter
I realise I test people –
Deep down I feel unlovable
when people don’t act in a generous thoughtful way to me I attack and threatening to cut off.
I guess I’m trying to prove that my parents Did actually loved me through my friends or .Lovers
. that would be a hard thing for them to live up to.
I feel very strong and Proud of my achievements…. but I also feel very vulnerable At the same time,
This is so important. Shame and guilt lead to defensiveness and self-protection that then make it hard to listen and connect with other – fuelling more disconnect and hurt.
‘Vengeance is a lazy form of grief’ what a nugget!
I find it difficult to relate to this exercise. I felt unwelcome n he family in which I grew up. It seemed my verg presence was unwelcome- just existing. My mother did not wsnt a second child. My father had insisted. My father insisted. Yet he seemed to look thru me. My five tear older sistef did not luke me. We bad a well-ordered house. Therd was a chIr at the table fir me, a bed, clothing, presents in my birthday. But I felt alone. I withdrew. Mary, Mary, quite contrary!
Obey, and be ignored. It ishard for me to relate to your exercise. I was a good girl or a silent one. V
I have realised that the tension inside me is my own self criticism and fear of what others think of me. It is draining; and has resulted in barriers in relationships and an inability to be fully relaxed. Being aware of this is a revelation and aids in working towards working on self compassion.
Thank you for your message to inspire us all to take good care of self and other
Helen
Australia
Self-Forgiveness, awareness, being with feelings, feeling the feelings…it is constant work in being with what is. The possibility that healing is possible is appreciated.
I find that I pour myself into my work at the expense of my personal boundaries (which I haven’t fully established) and my relationship with my family, because I feel like I need the acceptance, and sometimes admiration, of my work colleagues to validate that I am worthy of the position I’m in and prove my worth to the team. I say and feel that my priority is my family and my well-being but my actions chase the validation from my relationship with work over setting and abiding by boundaries that truly put my loved ones first.