Finding some forgiveness for myself when I’m “being bad” takes away my oppressor and let’s me be the one who can decide how to act instead of remaining driven by a bad master.
If people forgive themselves they feel better with themselves which could manifest in more pleasant caring interaction with others as well as feeling of having more emotional resources to support others.
I knew I became harsh, stern, and unkind to my husband these days. I didn’t want to admit that it was my fear of losing my husband I knew of 15 years ago. I have idealized him as reliable, smart, and independent, but he is now 74 years old, developing an incurable disease, which means more dependent on me, more irritating, short tempered, and forgetful. It was me who didn’t want to look at the reality and accept how he is now, that’s why I was so mean sometimes by ignoring and disrespectful. Then I hated myself with irritation. Vicious cycle…
Thank you, Tara for your wisdom and trust in us to make me face the reality clearly.
ThanI you so much for this guided exercise and information.
It is so true, unless we forgive ourselves, we can’t be a good friend, companion, colleague or person as we won be able to forgive others and give them grace.
It all starts with the self. Acceptance.
Always easier said than done, and only seeing ourselves standing outside and seeing ourselves hurting, is a slow but forward step.
I struggle with self forgiveness and my anger seems had been getting worse. I’ve neglected to take care of myself properly for too many years, and now feel and see how it is negatively affecting my life.
I beat myself up for too long and now it is time to let it go and forgive.
As a therapist I enjoyed this video. I imagined my guilt at not being with my sister as much as I should during her last days. However I now realise that when I was with her I gave her a lot of support. she is happy now and without pain. I have learned so much from this to be able to give to my clients. Letting go was so therapeutic.
This small exercise touched me deeply. I noticed that I am in lot of self- judgement and just forgiving myself that I did not show up in the relationship as I desire to be helps.
I think it could help me to be in relationship from the heart, more truly and with real kindness. Being kind to me allows me to be authentically kind to others around me…
I am very quick in feeling responsible for things that went wrong, because some details were looked over head. E.g., forgotten dates with the dentist, an information shared, but not announced with the students…In this cases genuine forgivenis may allow to take a step back, not needing to search for who is responsible (who is to blame) but reflecting either over de process or trying to think of different pathways to a solution.
It would help me personally because I truly don’t feel I am capable of allowing myself to be loved or loving others or being a good mom. I feel this because every time I do try but feel isolated and criticized whenever I do wrong and then it starts an endless cycle of I’m not worthy and I’m never going to do the right thing by the ones I care for
Such a good reminder! Sometimes I use a CBT ABCD style approach to help clients first become more aware of this – how their secondary emotion (anger at themselves, guilt) and beliefs is making it so much harder for them to create change . Often people are very hung up on the idea that they don’t want to “make excuses” for themselves and the idea of self compassion seems unimaginable! Where did we get this idea that we need to be hard on ourselves in order to grow?! A lovely gentle approach, compassionate and powerful. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve come a long way, remembering one particular event, so painful I could not face the person I loved.
When I am softer with myself, I can be so much softer with others, when I am softer with others, I am softer with myself. Thank you Tara, Bernadeta
I love the accepting, compassionate approach you used to help the client see himself through wise eyes, in order to forgive himself.
The pause between impulse and action always opens up options for more helpful behaviours.
This has helped me to deal with my standards to which I hold myself
Thank you ?
With a tough inner critic the practice of looking through a friend’s lens at your own life is judged itself by that inner critic, but a perspective switch is helpful.
Thank you
Work with eating disorders and usually working with Shame and are loathing
Another helpful tool
Love vengeance is a lazy form of grief
Self forgiveness although a us to respond wisely
Mindfulness is cultivated by forgiveness an s presence in the moment
All great messages
Thank you
Thank you
Robert Ohlemiller, Other, Indianapolis, IN, USAsays
I found the practice soothing and very helpful in the work I’m doing with a mentee currently. He has suffered serious trauma and abuse and is very hard on himself.
Letting go of shame & guilt seem like asking me to amputate 2 very important parts of “me.” I wasn’t born filled with shame or guilt. I had it indoctrinated into me from almost 3yoa. I felt guilt & shame for things that occurred long before my parents great grand parents were born!!! I was completely unaware of my body. I was disconnected from it since my earliest memory (my mother estimated I must have been almost 18 months old since I gave her so many specific details in regards to that first memory). I can still “see it” as I did decades ago…. I was taught shame. I didn’t seek it out. At the age of 3 I struggled to accept that because of my ancestors’ mistakes I was now guilty… I must wear their burdens of guilt & shame while their lives were purely materialistic & narcissistic… I need a dose of Karla McLaren perhaps???!!!
By holding myself with kindness and forgiveness, I can feel more loving towards myself and the other; not as withdrawn and fearful of hurting them or being hurt. Very simple practice, extremely effective. Thank you Tara
Hi Tara, yes, I found it very inspiring around shame and the way in which the person coped and handled having dumped on the said person.
I’d like to hear how would work with a person who was shamed and dumped on by the other person.
Thank you.
Una
I had one particular friend for many many years. For some reason she just stopped wanting anything to do with me and I never found out why. For a long time I tried to figure out what I had done and in the end I forgave myself by sending my sincere apology (through the ethers) to my friend for any harm I had done and expressed that I would never have really wanted to hurt her. I wished her well and hoped she would find happiness. Unfortunately this did not improve our relationship because I have not heard from her in years. But I definitely felt that all worked out for the best for both of us.
I compare myself unnecessarily which ends up keeping me from feeling close and connected. Sometimes it is one word my friend will say that leads me into extreme self-criticism. I will then shame myself-and this shame moves me away. However when I pause with breath and remind myself that I am lovable and so is my friend the shame disappear. I then can see who each person is uniquely made and loved, myself included.
Thank-you whole heartily Tara Brach for sharing your wisdoms and generosity with the world. The question on bringing someone/relationship to mind where one feels guilt or shame, in this exercise I did not feel guilt or shame at first rather anger was showing up for me where I was feeling anger towards myself that I did not check out before I got involved into the relationship as too who are these people/person and also feeling anger showing up as I feel deceived by them/person……… I am a buddhist practitioner using practices like tonglen, metta for myself and for others and for forgiving myself and others I use rituals, purification practices and visualization practices.
Healing my broken heart now and working with my emotions I am aware it also triggers “old shame” of long time ago and its a delicate process for myself as shame is connected to an old trauma I experienced and watching your video today I did not want to go towards the shame as it gets messy mixing anger and shame together when it gets to trauma healing, I choose rather to work with it in a professional setting as I am not a therapist, I am a client.
A question came up for me what when sensitive people who cannot make the distinguish to not proceed while watching the video because of a trauma trigger, how do you give warnings for these people who are not professional psychologists and are watching the videos and might get caught up in a trauma trigger and if they are on their own and dont have tools to help themselves with in the moment, shouldn’t these videos come with a warning messages before people watch them who are not professionals in the psychology field.
Thank-you and good blessings. Namasté
Forgiving myself should open heart space to truely see the other person. Be at ease with myself, shut down the inner critical voices and just be present and there, without any judgement or expectations of what will happen next
What I notice is that it appears to stop after-the-event voices of self judgement and the horror I have felt for losing my temper and shame growing as a result. I felt a softening and in that, a glimpse at being able to look at the underneath rather than feeling really bad and angry with myself. I could sit there without bracing or defending and just beginning to notice the beneath-the-veil layers…
How does it change the relationship? No real sense of that yet other than recognising that I would previously re-engage with this person from….behind myself and in time that could be different….
Im pretty sure that I would feel fulfilled and in a deeper relationship and connection. I have been practicing letting go of generational burdens and this has helped me connect with my Kids and Wife better.
I’m a patient not a clinician. I wish you were my therapist!
Finding some forgiveness for myself when I’m “being bad” takes away my oppressor and let’s me be the one who can decide how to act instead of remaining driven by a bad master.
If people forgive themselves they feel better with themselves which could manifest in more pleasant caring interaction with others as well as feeling of having more emotional resources to support others.
I think it would allow me to focus my attention outwards instead of inwards. To express love for my partner more easily.
I knew I became harsh, stern, and unkind to my husband these days. I didn’t want to admit that it was my fear of losing my husband I knew of 15 years ago. I have idealized him as reliable, smart, and independent, but he is now 74 years old, developing an incurable disease, which means more dependent on me, more irritating, short tempered, and forgetful. It was me who didn’t want to look at the reality and accept how he is now, that’s why I was so mean sometimes by ignoring and disrespectful. Then I hated myself with irritation. Vicious cycle…
Thank you, Tara for your wisdom and trust in us to make me face the reality clearly.
Dear Dr. Brach,
ThanI you so much for this guided exercise and information.
It is so true, unless we forgive ourselves, we can’t be a good friend, companion, colleague or person as we won be able to forgive others and give them grace.
It all starts with the self. Acceptance.
Always easier said than done, and only seeing ourselves standing outside and seeing ourselves hurting, is a slow but forward step.
I struggle with self forgiveness and my anger seems had been getting worse. I’ve neglected to take care of myself properly for too many years, and now feel and see how it is negatively affecting my life.
I beat myself up for too long and now it is time to let it go and forgive.
Thank you for your gentle and caring workshop.
Donna Hammargren
South Africa
I found it challenging yet I experienced a softening. I think practicing will be key! Thank you
Thank you Tara..you explain this so well.
As a therapist I enjoyed this video. I imagined my guilt at not being with my sister as much as I should during her last days. However I now realise that when I was with her I gave her a lot of support. she is happy now and without pain. I have learned so much from this to be able to give to my clients. Letting go was so therapeutic.
I found the exercise beginning to liberate me from the shame I have felt so strongly
This small exercise touched me deeply. I noticed that I am in lot of self- judgement and just forgiving myself that I did not show up in the relationship as I desire to be helps.
What a wonderful way to find my own self the respect and love
I think it could help me to be in relationship from the heart, more truly and with real kindness. Being kind to me allows me to be authentically kind to others around me…
Limiting beliefs are so universal. Thank you . This is a big one !
Thank you for your work.Self Acceptance and self compassion is the key to unlock my inner critics hold on me
Has the opportunity to offer more compassion and understanding to others
Immediate softening, soothing.
A beautiful letting go….
I am very quick in feeling responsible for things that went wrong, because some details were looked over head. E.g., forgotten dates with the dentist, an information shared, but not announced with the students…In this cases genuine forgivenis may allow to take a step back, not needing to search for who is responsible (who is to blame) but reflecting either over de process or trying to think of different pathways to a solution.
It would help me personally because I truly don’t feel I am capable of allowing myself to be loved or loving others or being a good mom. I feel this because every time I do try but feel isolated and criticized whenever I do wrong and then it starts an endless cycle of I’m not worthy and I’m never going to do the right thing by the ones I care for
The next time I see the person I won’t try to avoid them …out of embarrassment for the last interaction
Such a good reminder! Sometimes I use a CBT ABCD style approach to help clients first become more aware of this – how their secondary emotion (anger at themselves, guilt) and beliefs is making it so much harder for them to create change . Often people are very hung up on the idea that they don’t want to “make excuses” for themselves and the idea of self compassion seems unimaginable! Where did we get this idea that we need to be hard on ourselves in order to grow?! A lovely gentle approach, compassionate and powerful. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve come a long way, remembering one particular event, so painful I could not face the person I loved.
When I am softer with myself, I can be so much softer with others, when I am softer with others, I am softer with myself. Thank you Tara, Bernadeta
Reflective practice for yourself and for others providing insight and destroying feelings of guilt
I love the accepting, compassionate approach you used to help the client see himself through wise eyes, in order to forgive himself.
The pause between impulse and action always opens up options for more helpful behaviours.
This has helped me to deal with my standards to which I hold myself
Thank you ?
If our clients aren’t able to forgive themselves how can it be logical that they seek therapies where they may look for forgiveness…
With a tough inner critic the practice of looking through a friend’s lens at your own life is judged itself by that inner critic, but a perspective switch is helpful.
Picturing the person then forgiving oneself was moving! ?
Thank you
Work with eating disorders and usually working with Shame and are loathing
Another helpful tool
Love vengeance is a lazy form of grief
Self forgiveness although a us to respond wisely
Mindfulness is cultivated by forgiveness an s presence in the moment
All great messages
Thank you
Thank you
I found the practice soothing and very helpful in the work I’m doing with a mentee currently. He has suffered serious trauma and abuse and is very hard on himself.
Very enlightening approach
I feel like I would be more able to show love to myself and others if I forgive myself
Letting go of shame & guilt seem like asking me to amputate 2 very important parts of “me.” I wasn’t born filled with shame or guilt. I had it indoctrinated into me from almost 3yoa. I felt guilt & shame for things that occurred long before my parents great grand parents were born!!! I was completely unaware of my body. I was disconnected from it since my earliest memory (my mother estimated I must have been almost 18 months old since I gave her so many specific details in regards to that first memory). I can still “see it” as I did decades ago…. I was taught shame. I didn’t seek it out. At the age of 3 I struggled to accept that because of my ancestors’ mistakes I was now guilty… I must wear their burdens of guilt & shame while their lives were purely materialistic & narcissistic… I need a dose of Karla McLaren perhaps???!!!
By holding myself with kindness and forgiveness, I can feel more loving towards myself and the other; not as withdrawn and fearful of hurting them or being hurt. Very simple practice, extremely effective. Thank you Tara
Forgiving ourselves allows us to define our more positive, healthy future actions
Hi Tara, yes, I found it very inspiring around shame and the way in which the person coped and handled having dumped on the said person.
I’d like to hear how would work with a person who was shamed and dumped on by the other person.
Thank you.
Una
I felt a knowing and sense of peace listening to this.
I found it very helpful, thank you.
I had one particular friend for many many years. For some reason she just stopped wanting anything to do with me and I never found out why. For a long time I tried to figure out what I had done and in the end I forgave myself by sending my sincere apology (through the ethers) to my friend for any harm I had done and expressed that I would never have really wanted to hurt her. I wished her well and hoped she would find happiness. Unfortunately this did not improve our relationship because I have not heard from her in years. But I definitely felt that all worked out for the best for both of us.
I compare myself unnecessarily which ends up keeping me from feeling close and connected. Sometimes it is one word my friend will say that leads me into extreme self-criticism. I will then shame myself-and this shame moves me away. However when I pause with breath and remind myself that I am lovable and so is my friend the shame disappear. I then can see who each person is uniquely made and loved, myself included.
Thank-you whole heartily Tara Brach for sharing your wisdoms and generosity with the world. The question on bringing someone/relationship to mind where one feels guilt or shame, in this exercise I did not feel guilt or shame at first rather anger was showing up for me where I was feeling anger towards myself that I did not check out before I got involved into the relationship as too who are these people/person and also feeling anger showing up as I feel deceived by them/person……… I am a buddhist practitioner using practices like tonglen, metta for myself and for others and for forgiving myself and others I use rituals, purification practices and visualization practices.
Healing my broken heart now and working with my emotions I am aware it also triggers “old shame” of long time ago and its a delicate process for myself as shame is connected to an old trauma I experienced and watching your video today I did not want to go towards the shame as it gets messy mixing anger and shame together when it gets to trauma healing, I choose rather to work with it in a professional setting as I am not a therapist, I am a client.
A question came up for me what when sensitive people who cannot make the distinguish to not proceed while watching the video because of a trauma trigger, how do you give warnings for these people who are not professional psychologists and are watching the videos and might get caught up in a trauma trigger and if they are on their own and dont have tools to help themselves with in the moment, shouldn’t these videos come with a warning messages before people watch them who are not professionals in the psychology field.
Thank-you and good blessings. Namasté
Forgiving myself should open heart space to truely see the other person. Be at ease with myself, shut down the inner critical voices and just be present and there, without any judgement or expectations of what will happen next
forgiving ourselves helps us take responsibility with self compassion and we forgive others more easy and ask for forgiveness
I feel a sense of being grounded and a peaceful presence
awesome
What I notice is that it appears to stop after-the-event voices of self judgement and the horror I have felt for losing my temper and shame growing as a result. I felt a softening and in that, a glimpse at being able to look at the underneath rather than feeling really bad and angry with myself. I could sit there without bracing or defending and just beginning to notice the beneath-the-veil layers…
How does it change the relationship? No real sense of that yet other than recognising that I would previously re-engage with this person from….behind myself and in time that could be different….
Thank you
Im pretty sure that I would feel fulfilled and in a deeper relationship and connection. I have been practicing letting go of generational burdens and this has helped me connect with my Kids and Wife better.
Thank you
Very helpful information