Guilt and shame underwrite the feelings of anger and regret. But I have noticed that writing down situations that invoke the feelings of guild and shame, allow me to let them go, see them for what they are, being truthful about my actions. It is liberating. It is a journey but one that gets easier with more practice. Thank you for your wisdom.
Thanks Tara for your wonderful teachings. I have appreciated your guidance for years. After the self forgiveness exercise, in which I thought about the guilt I held about my lack of genuine presence during my mother’s death, I felt the guilt fade a little. I will repeat this exercise daily.
I have always wanted to be just like my Mother who was perfect in my eyes. That bar was much too high for me and I have always felt that I had failed. By realizing that I was in fact “me” and she was her own person I am beginning to accept who I am and forgive myself for not being like her. I am working on this and since I am only 70 (☺️) hope to keep growing into the person I really am.
Thank you so much Tara for all you do?
Michele Stamper, Marriage/Family Therapy, Huntington Beach, CA, USAsays
It is really hard to let go of the guilt. I have been working on it. Slow process. It is guilt for lack of parenting how I would have like to … I know so much more know after my own work and becoming a therapist. Hard to see the effects on my children. Hard to forgive as it comes up still today.
There is a lot to reflect on here. When I thought about the relationship where I feel most judgemental of myself , I was able to feel a bit lighter and more spacious when I looked in from outside with nurturing on my mind. It’s a beginning anyways.
I find that feelings of guilt trigger strong feelings of anger within me. Figuring out how to forgive myself, rather than being angry with the individual who is “pushing my guilt button” is something I really feel I need to do. Thanks for the insight.
I get irritated with my elderly cousin who fusses over me. The more irritated I feel the more guilty I feel and the less I visit her. When I forgave myself I suddenly felt I would like to go to see her.
I never thought of myself as unworthy, but now realize that I must have some self-expectation, some self-image, that is holding me back in my relationships. I need to explore this deeper, as I feel the pain but cannot identify its source.
I can never totally forgive myself for mistakes and poor decisions I made when my children were growing up. I have apologized to them and made amends and we now have a close loving relationship, but I still feel so much guilt for mistakes of my past.
When I did the practice that Tara led regarding forgiveness, I felt more lightness of being. I’m not new to exercises like this as I’ve read two of Tara’s books and found them immensely helpful. She is a real gift to the world.
Forgiving myself opens the door to have a relationship with the other person. When I’m feeling bad about my behavior, I can’t connect, I can only wrack my brain about how to change the past (unfortunately, it’s impossible) and get stuck in the loop of self-hatred. When I forgive, the path to talking to the other person emerges, I can say sorry and start repairing the relationship.
I have found these three sessions to be some of the most enlightening information I have ever received about how I look at myself and its affect on my relationships. Will explore Tara Brach further for additional information and guidance.
Having self-forgiveness allows me to feel more love towards others. I loved so much in this video including the quote that “our suffering comes because we forget our belonging with one another.”
Marsha Spike, Social Work, Los Angeles, CA, USAsays
Allowing self forgiveness and empathy for myself seems to also reduce defensiveness increasing the capacity To listen, to hear others. Less anger and the need to be defensive then Leaves room to feel the real grief and sadness.
I completely agree that cruelty towards the self prevents a person from developing to their full potential. You wouldn’t coach someone to succeed by picking their performance apart in an unforgiving and harsh way. In fact the person is going to perform better if their coach supports them.
Only If clients can genuinely forgive themselves and feel compassion for themselves, they will be able to truly forgive others in a relationship and let go of the desire to win in a conflict.
The tapes have helped me realize how damaged I was and how I need to accept this to move on . . . and to accept I may never cognitively understand the damage.
I find it particularly helpful to pause in the place of really letting it in that in the big picture which includes my past wounds, limiting beliefs and strategic patterns – that in times of extreme stress/fear that part of me is doing it’s best.. that’s the part of me that can get stuck in the limiting belief that I deserve to suffer … but that isn’t the whole story or the whole of who I am. I would be served to receive the exercise that you had Sam do. Thank you.
I think genuine forgiveness encompasses the ‘bigger picture’ and helps the person to understand their journey. Experiencing this enables a client to view their relationships with a wider ‘lens’, enabling them to move on, and avoid getting ‘stuck’ in their negative emotions.
Freedom is something we experience when we realize or mistake/error/sin has been forgiven by God. The ultimate anger, wrath, and punishment (our self-punishment) of our mistake/error/sin was put on Jesus. We are freed of any punishment. Our self-punishment as Tara says does nothing to promote healing and connection. We can rejoice in a clean slate. Remember, rejoice and live in that joy daily.
I just did this with my sister in a recent conversation. That got heated and hurt when there pain I caused as a bully growing up. I felt defensive and noticed It,.. Instead off going on ‘in anger’ staying with the pain she’s must have felt ( which didn’t help me feel better about myself … But helped me not only understand but feel what she must have felt. I then self soothed the child in me that felt that was necessary for ( what ever reasons lack of knowing, teachings,supervision or need for stimulation or attention or the impact of my lashing out) we still were upset … However we both felt the shift and still maintained our relationship and were able to finally address the underlying in issue that caused us both a great deal of pain. My teacher would be proud his teachings on mindfulness, self compassion and forgiveness are paying off. This is the most useful information one can acquire to make everlasting changes and meaningful healthy relationships in a ‘rich life.’
I felt the wave of guilt come and increase and then start to decrease as I considered how forgiving myself could help my relationship. I realized that thinking of intentional ways to nurture my relationship with myself through mindfulness and self care, I am more likely to find intentional ways to improve my relationship that aren’t related to the guilt and urgent need to make amends, and more related to the importance that I place with that person and relationship.
Thank you very much fot sharing those videos. It was helpful for me to feel my compassion to myself-but in that moment it was possible because of Tara’s gentle voice and teaching.I imagined that someone outside of me has loving presence-even I know- Tara is far away from here and maybe we wont meet ever,but it was helpful anyway to listen and let me feel myself.Loving presence which leads to loving and accepting presence of myself and others too.
I hope so.Step by step.
All blessings to you! If we belong to one another than our forgiveness extends to all.
Guilt and shame underwrite the feelings of anger and regret. But I have noticed that writing down situations that invoke the feelings of guild and shame, allow me to let them go, see them for what they are, being truthful about my actions. It is liberating. It is a journey but one that gets easier with more practice. Thank you for your wisdom.
Tara, thank you.
You are so suite and loving.Your words are like a balm to my wonded soul?
Thanks Tara for your wonderful teachings. I have appreciated your guidance for years. After the self forgiveness exercise, in which I thought about the guilt I held about my lack of genuine presence during my mother’s death, I felt the guilt fade a little. I will repeat this exercise daily.
Less defensive, less score keeping
I have always wanted to be just like my Mother who was perfect in my eyes. That bar was much too high for me and I have always felt that I had failed. By realizing that I was in fact “me” and she was her own person I am beginning to accept who I am and forgive myself for not being like her. I am working on this and since I am only 70 (☺️) hope to keep growing into the person I really am.
Thank you so much Tara for all you do?
Very interesting about how self forgiveness has an impact on our relationships
It is really hard to let go of the guilt. I have been working on it. Slow process. It is guilt for lack of parenting how I would have like to … I know so much more know after my own work and becoming a therapist. Hard to see the effects on my children. Hard to forgive as it comes up still today.
Thanks Tara,
There is a lot to reflect on here. When I thought about the relationship where I feel most judgemental of myself , I was able to feel a bit lighter and more spacious when I looked in from outside with nurturing on my mind. It’s a beginning anyways.
Shelley Coleman
If I can forgive myself I’ll be more available to others…
I find that feelings of guilt trigger strong feelings of anger within me. Figuring out how to forgive myself, rather than being angry with the individual who is “pushing my guilt button” is something I really feel I need to do. Thanks for the insight.
Thinking of ways I wasn’t present to my children – still not fully forgiving myself
I get irritated with my elderly cousin who fusses over me. The more irritated I feel the more guilty I feel and the less I visit her. When I forgave myself I suddenly felt I would like to go to see her.
As I forgave myself for habitual over reactive ness when parenting I felt the emotional charge ebb say from my body. Lovely feeling
I never thought of myself as unworthy, but now realize that I must have some self-expectation, some self-image, that is holding me back in my relationships. I need to explore this deeper, as I feel the pain but cannot identify its source.
I can never totally forgive myself for mistakes and poor decisions I made when my children were growing up. I have apologized to them and made amends and we now have a close loving relationship, but I still feel so much guilt for mistakes of my past.
When I did the practice that Tara led regarding forgiveness, I felt more lightness of being. I’m not new to exercises like this as I’ve read two of Tara’s books and found them immensely helpful. She is a real gift to the world.
Thank you for your insights. I appreciate your wisdom and knowledge. Thank you for sharing.
Great content, thank you!
Thank you. Reminds me of elements in Tara’s book I read. Forgiving self is difficult for many of us.
Forgiving myself opens the door to have a relationship with the other person. When I’m feeling bad about my behavior, I can’t connect, I can only wrack my brain about how to change the past (unfortunately, it’s impossible) and get stuck in the loop of self-hatred. When I forgive, the path to talking to the other person emerges, I can say sorry and start repairing the relationship.
I have found these three sessions to be some of the most enlightening information I have ever received about how I look at myself and its affect on my relationships. Will explore Tara Brach further for additional information and guidance.
These videos are great. I appreciate the importance of the subjects and the concise, accessible steps toward change. Thank you for this.
I have discovered that often the inner self is craving for self-compassion & nurturing (encourage, acceptance, etc.).
Having self-forgiveness allows me to feel more love towards others. I loved so much in this video including the quote that “our suffering comes because we forget our belonging with one another.”
Thank-you, Tara, for all that you share about learning to love and accept ourselves, and for how to teach this to others.
Illuminating and very helpful…….watched them a couple of times to really understand the points you have made.
Thank you,
Susi
These are excellent. I did both the exercises, and I watched the videos several times. I feel more serene and gentle already. Thank you so much!
Allowing self forgiveness and empathy for myself seems to also reduce defensiveness increasing the capacity To listen, to hear others. Less anger and the need to be defensive then Leaves room to feel the real grief and sadness.
I completely agree that cruelty towards the self prevents a person from developing to their full potential. You wouldn’t coach someone to succeed by picking their performance apart in an unforgiving and harsh way. In fact the person is going to perform better if their coach supports them.
This touched some deep emotion in me, some deep grief… the negative voices are always present, yet I’ve grown so used to them, it just seems normal.
Only If clients can genuinely forgive themselves and feel compassion for themselves, they will be able to truly forgive others in a relationship and let go of the desire to win in a conflict.
Forgiving oneself is one of the hardest things we can do. It is a real test of one’s ability to love oneself.
Thank you for these sessions. They have opened my mind to ways of helping overcome an insurmountable depression.
If I forgive myself. I have the space to be kinder to others and in turn myself
Thank you for your kindness and clarity. Both are so healing.
The tapes have helped me realize how damaged I was and how I need to accept this to move on . . . and to accept I may never cognitively understand the damage.
Sadly I can relate very much with Sam feeing worthless and unlovable. And also being so angry all the time. Thank you for the work you do!
is a good way to put it: your criticisms and internal challenges shape how you behave with other people. I would love to receive the note 🙂
If I forgive myself, it would make my relationships stronger and more authentic. They would have more love and joy.
I find it particularly helpful to pause in the place of really letting it in that in the big picture which includes my past wounds, limiting beliefs and strategic patterns – that in times of extreme stress/fear that part of me is doing it’s best.. that’s the part of me that can get stuck in the limiting belief that I deserve to suffer … but that isn’t the whole story or the whole of who I am. I would be served to receive the exercise that you had Sam do. Thank you.
Thank you Tara
Such warm loving wisdom
So simple
And beautiful ?
I think genuine forgiveness encompasses the ‘bigger picture’ and helps the person to understand their journey. Experiencing this enables a client to view their relationships with a wider ‘lens’, enabling them to move on, and avoid getting ‘stuck’ in their negative emotions.
Freedom is something we experience when we realize or mistake/error/sin has been forgiven by God. The ultimate anger, wrath, and punishment (our self-punishment) of our mistake/error/sin was put on Jesus. We are freed of any punishment. Our self-punishment as Tara says does nothing to promote healing and connection. We can rejoice in a clean slate. Remember, rejoice and live in that joy daily.
Forgiveness immediately opens my heart, making it more possible to offer kindness to myself and others.
I thought of my relationship with my son. He went away to college this year and all I can think is all the mistakes I made with him.
I just did this with my sister in a recent conversation. That got heated and hurt when there pain I caused as a bully growing up. I felt defensive and noticed It,.. Instead off going on ‘in anger’ staying with the pain she’s must have felt ( which didn’t help me feel better about myself … But helped me not only understand but feel what she must have felt. I then self soothed the child in me that felt that was necessary for ( what ever reasons lack of knowing, teachings,supervision or need for stimulation or attention or the impact of my lashing out) we still were upset … However we both felt the shift and still maintained our relationship and were able to finally address the underlying in issue that caused us both a great deal of pain. My teacher would be proud his teachings on mindfulness, self compassion and forgiveness are paying off. This is the most useful information one can acquire to make everlasting changes and meaningful healthy relationships in a ‘rich life.’
I felt the wave of guilt come and increase and then start to decrease as I considered how forgiving myself could help my relationship. I realized that thinking of intentional ways to nurture my relationship with myself through mindfulness and self care, I am more likely to find intentional ways to improve my relationship that aren’t related to the guilt and urgent need to make amends, and more related to the importance that I place with that person and relationship.
Thank you very much fot sharing those videos. It was helpful for me to feel my compassion to myself-but in that moment it was possible because of Tara’s gentle voice and teaching.I imagined that someone outside of me has loving presence-even I know- Tara is far away from here and maybe we wont meet ever,but it was helpful anyway to listen and let me feel myself.Loving presence which leads to loving and accepting presence of myself and others too.
I hope so.Step by step.
It feels strange to look at forgiving myself which brings a deeper understanding of what we ask clients to do on a regular basis.