I find it very hard to forgive myself on core issues and relationships. It took me a lot of
therapeutic talks and a lot of thoughts with myself, to find the way for self forgiveness. One way was to imagine myself as if I was someone else, looking at me and my behaviour. This perspective helped me and still does, to feel compassion and forgiveness towards myself. It is very relaxing and calming.
Self forgiveness is so difficult to achieve. There’s this nagging voice saying even if you forgive, you’ll later make the same mistake again.So why bother forgiving
i found the three sessions helpful. Not sure how to help a client understand it’s not their fault- maybe need different langauge as it is their fault if they’ve hurt the other even if they didn’t mean to
I think I have an underlying feeling of being unimportant and not valued, so then I get resentful and lash out if someone else seems to need support or help (particularly if there have been times they didn’t support/help me when I needed it). I think letting go of that feeling would allow me to be more generous to others and think about their needs without questioning whether my own are important/will be met.
My relationship with my son is one of the two pivotal relationships in my life. The other is with my daughter. They are the only family I have and the two people I love wholly and unconditionally. Yet, despite loving him so much, I seem to have made so many unintentional mistakes which he holds me responsible for and consequently feels such anger and resentment. Certainly directed towards me, but also himself and everyone else. I feel like I have failed in the most important way and don’t know how I can forgive myself and whether I have the right to do so.
More than forgiving myself, I find it difficult to forgive someone who has caused me a lot of hurt and who feels no repentance. If I do forgive such a person, the thought arises, is there no accountability, is anger not justified at someone who has hurt you? Would love to hear your comments, thank you
I fear if I am kind and helping towards someone who plays a significant role in my life and who actually lives with me, my mother in law, I am taken advantage of. My caring is seen as submissiveness and I am treated as a doormat. I keep going in cycles. I see some video on compassion and I try practicing it towards her, then I feel used. And then I get angry and usually act out in front of my husband. Then I feel guilty for hurting him
While I have been watching these videos, I confessed to my partner, some behaviour to one of my children, that I have felt deep shame about for 30 years. He has just come to me and said (not knowing what I am watching) that I need to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. I just cried. But with that comes a deep sense of being heard and forgiven.
My shame and guilt result from anger towards my partner of 54 years. Over the last four years, she was quite ill and I provided ’round the clock care. Near the end I spoke mean, nasty things. I was filled with so much anger. Sadly she passed away a year ago but the guilt lives on. Now there is nothing I can do to apologize or be more loving. I’m 79 years old and this issue severely effects my ability to move on. Thanks for listening.
Write her a letter… dont be defensive about why you did what you did, just tell her you are sorry. If you can find a happy photo, look into it and listen… and image what she might say back to you
Thank you. I like what you’re saying but like a commenter after a previous video, I find the music & pictures a bit annoying. I also feel that connection with you is lost every time you read from your script. If you have the auto-cue or whatever it is much closer to your camera, there would be less sense of that disconnection. I’ve been surprised to discover how connected one can be over the ‘airwaves’ if the presenter is looking straight into the camera & sending an intention of connection.
Tara this exercise was really powerful and so relevant for me both personally and professionally. I just had a conversation with a client struggling with this very issue a couple of days ago. Thank you for helping me to help myself and my clients.
Forgiving myself for letting my children down when my marriage broke down and knowing I did the right thing, allowing my son to make his choice to go with his dad as I know his dad means everything to him. Was the hardest and most painful decision I have ever had to make in my life and it still hurts, but I am slowly forgiving and healing myself . Just wish my children could understand I did the best I could with resources available to me at the time and knowing what I know now . I would do things differently
This friend shut me out because of my bad behavior (in her mind). She gave me no choice. Just good by this is over, so no option to even apologize or bring closure. Forgiving myself felt like an opening in my heart. Interesting it is easier to forgive me than her. I know I still need to do that in my heart. I love you and you have helped me so much through the years. I was fortunate to attend some of your classes and meet you at a book signing.
it took me decades to let go of the self blame, hurt & guilt i felt until i realized that within certain relationships the only responsibility i carried was not understanding that the pain came from a dysfunctional relationship for which the other person took no responsibility for their critical & abusive behaviour. it took a very long time to accept that they were struggling with deep seated issues and had no other way of dealing with them besides making someone else their scapegoat. however, when these are ‘significant others’ and one does not want to sever ties completely, i still find it impossible to find enough strength and compassion to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them
Alan Burt LICSw, Social Work, Centerville, MA, USAsays
Again, thanks to you, Tara for your ever present compassion and wisdom, I felt safe in looking at my sense of guilt and shame with my partner. As opposed to other times, without this practice, I tended to focus more on what she had done to me, this time, it was more about my own self awareness of my feelings of guilt and shame for not being more often there for her when she needed this from me.
Although I can’t say I liked this process, (at least at this juncture) I did appreciate it as a step moving forward, and a recognition of your 3 attending and befriending steps process, which will help me each step of the way. And in recognizing that I need all of this training for myself for me to then be best at sharing it with others.
To all, our journeys though seemingly different, are in another way, so similar. Though we may each have lost our ways a bit along the road of life, let’s keep remembering to remind ourselves and others that, “We were born to love.”
I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness when I try on the possibility that a particular relationship difficulty is not my fault. This is a surprise. It has unlocked some armour around my heart.
I realized that if I held myself with kindness I would show up differently. I might be able to speak truth and stand up for myself more readily. I would have respect for my true feelings.
I held on to this belief that I didn’t matter and nothing I felt or said or did mattered because my biological dad left when I was a little girl and I have spent my entire life subconsciously validating that belief and at the same time trying to prove it wrong only to feel more and more defeated because I didn’t have any idea what was going on subconsciously inside me…this self defeating cycle I have been stuck in for 42+ years.
As Tara says, in this time of great doubt about the future, it’s “now more than ever” the time to comen into right relationship with one’s self and remember how important it is to remove barriers that enable our belonging to one another. Thank you, as always, Tara for your wisdom and insight.
Forgiveness of ourselves is the most powerful way to allow compassion into our consciousness. Compassion by definition has no boundaries and thus we want to give that away to everyone without exception, and the more we do that, the more it flows back to us in abundance. This natural divinity within us which is now released from the internal prison we have constructed, wants all persons to feel happy and free and like a river, never become stagnant. .
A very timely talk about something I’ve been struggling with for years. Working through this will certainly allow me to be more open to giving and receiving love.
When I find compassion for myself my compassion for others gains strength and clarity. As I’m more gentle with myself I can more easily exchange that gentleness with those who I’ve been at odds with. I’m reminded that we all suffer and begin to trust again that those who care about me will remember that too.
I imagined the strained relationship and my role inside it. Accepting self- forgiveness feels gradual, with a wish both of us could practice this at the same time. The effort to cope with this relationship took years of what I thought was acceptance and I question it now.
Rhonda Visser, Social Work, Round Rock, TX, USAsays
Thank you so much for sharing this very important information to so many on a gratis basis. I know many will go foreword and take the course, and I may even be one of them. For those who can’t or don’t for any reason, the information you’ve already presented is invaluable. Thank you for helping us heal our broken hearts and spirits to be present in the world for ourselves and others.
Your words are very wise and calming. I work with veterans who have PTSD and experience a great deal of anger and anxiety. I plan to use all your teachings to add depth to their healing journey. Thank you. Brenda
I find it very hard to forgive myself on core issues and relationships. It took me a lot of
therapeutic talks and a lot of thoughts with myself, to find the way for self forgiveness. One way was to imagine myself as if I was someone else, looking at me and my behaviour. This perspective helped me and still does, to feel compassion and forgiveness towards myself. It is very relaxing and calming.
Self forgiveness is so difficult to achieve. There’s this nagging voice saying even if you forgive, you’ll later make the same mistake again.So why bother forgiving
i found the three sessions helpful. Not sure how to help a client understand it’s not their fault- maybe need different langauge as it is their fault if they’ve hurt the other even if they didn’t mean to
I have a feeling that I am angry with myself but I cannot find the reason, may be it is in very deep down in the dark and I am afraid to go there.
I think I have an underlying feeling of being unimportant and not valued, so then I get resentful and lash out if someone else seems to need support or help (particularly if there have been times they didn’t support/help me when I needed it). I think letting go of that feeling would allow me to be more generous to others and think about their needs without questioning whether my own are important/will be met.
My relationship with my son is one of the two pivotal relationships in my life. The other is with my daughter. They are the only family I have and the two people I love wholly and unconditionally. Yet, despite loving him so much, I seem to have made so many unintentional mistakes which he holds me responsible for and consequently feels such anger and resentment. Certainly directed towards me, but also himself and everyone else. I feel like I have failed in the most important way and don’t know how I can forgive myself and whether I have the right to do so.
I think I am not very in touch with my feelings.
I think forgiving myself would help me connect with my daughter and friends.
When I forgive myself it’s easier to be compassionate with others who have hurt me.
I felt a welling of grief rise up, wash through me and then dissipate
My friend died before we could fully reconcile.
More than forgiving myself, I find it difficult to forgive someone who has caused me a lot of hurt and who feels no repentance. If I do forgive such a person, the thought arises, is there no accountability, is anger not justified at someone who has hurt you? Would love to hear your comments, thank you
I fear if I am kind and helping towards someone who plays a significant role in my life and who actually lives with me, my mother in law, I am taken advantage of. My caring is seen as submissiveness and I am treated as a doormat. I keep going in cycles. I see some video on compassion and I try practicing it towards her, then I feel used. And then I get angry and usually act out in front of my husband. Then I feel guilty for hurting him
Loved this. Imagine if we could all do this, what a better world it would be.
xx
Forgiving oneself allows one to also forgive others
It’s very difficult sometimes to tease out ones own part in misunderstandings, usually two people involved in relationship fractures….
While I have been watching these videos, I confessed to my partner, some behaviour to one of my children, that I have felt deep shame about for 30 years. He has just come to me and said (not knowing what I am watching) that I need to forgive myself and allow myself to move on. I just cried. But with that comes a deep sense of being heard and forgiven.
This is one of the hardest to clear and takes repetative deep dives. Nice work Tara!
My shame and guilt result from anger towards my partner of 54 years. Over the last four years, she was quite ill and I provided ’round the clock care. Near the end I spoke mean, nasty things. I was filled with so much anger. Sadly she passed away a year ago but the guilt lives on. Now there is nothing I can do to apologize or be more loving. I’m 79 years old and this issue severely effects my ability to move on. Thanks for listening.
Write her a letter… dont be defensive about why you did what you did, just tell her you are sorry. If you can find a happy photo, look into it and listen… and image what she might say back to you
Bless you…
Thank you. I like what you’re saying but like a commenter after a previous video, I find the music & pictures a bit annoying. I also feel that connection with you is lost every time you read from your script. If you have the auto-cue or whatever it is much closer to your camera, there would be less sense of that disconnection. I’ve been surprised to discover how connected one can be over the ‘airwaves’ if the presenter is looking straight into the camera & sending an intention of connection.
I need to forgive myself for my part in the breakdown of a 33 year marriage.
Tara this exercise was really powerful and so relevant for me both personally and professionally. I just had a conversation with a client struggling with this very issue a couple of days ago. Thank you for helping me to help myself and my clients.
Forgiving myself for letting my children down when my marriage broke down and knowing I did the right thing, allowing my son to make his choice to go with his dad as I know his dad means everything to him. Was the hardest and most painful decision I have ever had to make in my life and it still hurts, but I am slowly forgiving and healing myself . Just wish my children could understand I did the best I could with resources available to me at the time and knowing what I know now . I would do things differently
Thank you. Hope for a way out of the suffering.
This friend shut me out because of my bad behavior (in her mind). She gave me no choice. Just good by this is over, so no option to even apologize or bring closure. Forgiving myself felt like an opening in my heart. Interesting it is easier to forgive me than her. I know I still need to do that in my heart. I love you and you have helped me so much through the years. I was fortunate to attend some of your classes and meet you at a book signing.
it took me decades to let go of the self blame, hurt & guilt i felt until i realized that within certain relationships the only responsibility i carried was not understanding that the pain came from a dysfunctional relationship for which the other person took no responsibility for their critical & abusive behaviour. it took a very long time to accept that they were struggling with deep seated issues and had no other way of dealing with them besides making someone else their scapegoat. however, when these are ‘significant others’ and one does not want to sever ties completely, i still find it impossible to find enough strength and compassion to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them
I’m feeling more tenderness, kindness, and love towards myself understanding that my actions are there for me to learn from and evolve.
Forgiving myself would allow me to accept and be at ease with myself and others. More harmonious
Simple, but powerfull
Again, thanks to you, Tara for your ever present compassion and wisdom, I felt safe in looking at my sense of guilt and shame with my partner. As opposed to other times, without this practice, I tended to focus more on what she had done to me, this time, it was more about my own self awareness of my feelings of guilt and shame for not being more often there for her when she needed this from me.
Although I can’t say I liked this process, (at least at this juncture) I did appreciate it as a step moving forward, and a recognition of your 3 attending and befriending steps process, which will help me each step of the way. And in recognizing that I need all of this training for myself for me to then be best at sharing it with others.
To all, our journeys though seemingly different, are in another way, so similar. Though we may each have lost our ways a bit along the road of life, let’s keep remembering to remind ourselves and others that, “We were born to love.”
I can find my old carefree self when I practice forgiveness and patience with myself.
I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness when I try on the possibility that a particular relationship difficulty is not my fault. This is a surprise. It has unlocked some armour around my heart.
I realized that if I held myself with kindness I would show up differently. I might be able to speak truth and stand up for myself more readily. I would have respect for my true feelings.
I held on to this belief that I didn’t matter and nothing I felt or said or did mattered because my biological dad left when I was a little girl and I have spent my entire life subconsciously validating that belief and at the same time trying to prove it wrong only to feel more and more defeated because I didn’t have any idea what was going on subconsciously inside me…this self defeating cycle I have been stuck in for 42+ years.
Less judgement of myself and others.Softer heart to recognise the gold inside myself and in each person I encounter.
As Tara says, in this time of great doubt about the future, it’s “now more than ever” the time to comen into right relationship with one’s self and remember how important it is to remove barriers that enable our belonging to one another. Thank you, as always, Tara for your wisdom and insight.
It very difficult to say “it’s not my fault”. But when I say it it has so much emotion and peace.
Forgiveness of ourselves is the most powerful way to allow compassion into our consciousness. Compassion by definition has no boundaries and thus we want to give that away to everyone without exception, and the more we do that, the more it flows back to us in abundance. This natural divinity within us which is now released from the internal prison we have constructed, wants all persons to feel happy and free and like a river, never become stagnant. .
By having compassion for me, I was able to have sympathy, compassion and understanding for others.
Every word you speak is beautiful Tara
❤️.
A very timely talk about something I’ve been struggling with for years. Working through this will certainly allow me to be more open to giving and receiving love.
When I find compassion for myself my compassion for others gains strength and clarity. As I’m more gentle with myself I can more easily exchange that gentleness with those who I’ve been at odds with. I’m reminded that we all suffer and begin to trust again that those who care about me will remember that too.
Forgiveness allows the dropping of emotional weight & heaviness, allowing life to become happier, healthier and more peaceful.
I imagined the strained relationship and my role inside it. Accepting self- forgiveness feels gradual, with a wish both of us could practice this at the same time. The effort to cope with this relationship took years of what I thought was acceptance and I question it now.
Thank you so much for this valuable information!
Felt sad but more peaceful. Thanks
This is great insight. I like to get more involved in meditation.
Thank you for this information.
Thank you so much for sharing this very important information to so many on a gratis basis. I know many will go foreword and take the course, and I may even be one of them. For those who can’t or don’t for any reason, the information you’ve already presented is invaluable. Thank you for helping us heal our broken hearts and spirits to be present in the world for ourselves and others.
Your words are very wise and calming. I work with veterans who have PTSD and experience a great deal of anger and anxiety. I plan to use all your teachings to add depth to their healing journey. Thank you. Brenda