When I really think about it it makes me angry towards that person. But it’s the shame that makes me hide the trait in the first place so it’s a layer of emotions.
Thank you! The larger effect of not living myself as I am is that I shortchange giving much more to the world. But for more to and for those closest to me.
Thank you for your wisdom and compassion, Tara. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I was told, by a neighbour (a man), that I talk too loud. He held his hands over his ears and shook his head like my voice was offending him. Standing in the doorway of MY kitchen. I immediately became overly sensitive about it. (Because “You’re too sensitive.”)
When I hide things that I think, or I am told, THEY don’t like about ME it causes acute self-consciousness. It prevents spontaneity. It makes me doubt my intentions. It halts any real genuineness. Because I am old now, it also makes me very, very angry. I’m over being young, impressionable and stupid.
As a younger person, I would’ve considered it a valid criticism and really really tried to change that aspect of myself. To make myself as perfect as possible. To please that person and not offend any other person. To avoid possible future criticism. To excuse not asking my question of justified puzzlement because that might lead to a confrontation were I’d quickly lose. Because a confrontation would cause me to shake & tremble. I hate myself for shaking & trembling. And also because I’d start crying and I have an aversion to crying in front of a person who has unjustifiably criticized me and with whom I may have to interact with again. Because I want to stand strong and face the person and say, Too bad for you! Or, “If I was a man would you say the same? What about my voice exactly offends you?” But no, I want to run away. In other words, my self esteem would take another hit. And so I’d back down and concede anything to stop the feelings that are now arising inside me. Because I can’t bear them. Which is why I drink and use drugs and have done so since I was 13.
But now I don’t know what to do about these feelings. Should I continue to suck them up? Can I? I don’t want to. I came across a book titled: The Art of Being Disliked. So now I will occasionally practice risk-taking by saying (to myself, so far), Eff you, as*hole, hear me roar! Here’s hoping it’ll piss you right off!
That is a great question. I made me navigate through things that I don’t like about myself. Maybe I am very disconnected from them and that is the main cause that affects my relationships.
Being vulnerable is difficult if someone has childhood experiences of bullies honing in on that, of jeering and laughing. The bully does not feel good about themselves, yes, but that experience stays with us, so we are afraid to show our vulnerability.
In keeping yourself from sharing who you really are, in all your radiance and shadows, you never really allow the other person to be fully who they are with you. Sometimes that’s warranted. But if it’s with someone you want to become closer to it’s a barrier, however thin or thick, to deeper intimacy.
Hiding vulnerability prevents bonding or connection. Accepting the space of being “not your best self” allows people to see that we are not alone in that space.
It creates a barrier in their relationships which prevents a deeper sense of intimacy that comes when you are vulnerable and trust the people in your relationships to see both your good and bad.
hiding what I don’t like about myself increases my insecurity and judgement of myself. I spiral inward to a bad place. When I am vulnerable and open about the things I hide/don’t like about myself, I give my partner space to understand me, to validate me and show me love, even show the parts of me I don’t like….some love
Without sharing our true selves as best we know, it is difficult for one to allow themselves to be vulnerable for fear of “exposure”. Intimacy requires the willingness to risk vulnerability, to trust they are loveable despite their fears.
When I am insecure about anything someone might think about me… because it’s something I don’t like about myself I go on automatic and cover it up. Meaning I can’t even feel it. So I am untrue to myself, I am not authentic, I don’t want to feel what I actually feel and cover it up. Which will necessarily lead to mis-perception and mis-understanding on a much larger scale than I want to imagine…
creates pain, lack of authenticity, not being true to self, and do not grow and practice self love. This impacts ones growth in life. this often manifests into deeper struggles too…
I struggled with substance use for most of my adult life, the consequences of this resulted in prison, child removal & trauma. I often feel I cannot be true to who I am because I won’t be accepted or will be judged. I recognise this stems from the shame I carry about my past behaviours because of my own judgement of them. Although I cognitively understand the need to be authentic & to accept myself, emotionally I find myself stuck. Real intimacy is very difficult as is trusting another.
I strongly identify with/relate to your comment. I feel the same burden of shame. Thank you for your honesty. Somehow, it makes me feel better, maybe not alone.
Janet Robertson, Another Field, Lumberton, NJ, USAsays
I have noticed that many of the people with whom I work do not have a sense of community, not wanting to be in community with others. Thus, they pull away from others and ultimately themselves.
I don’t like my impatience and criticalness…these qualities are seen as “pushy”. Sometimes I realise I am like that because of pressure I put on myself because of not feeling good enough about myself. However at the time i am unaware of what is driving that. Perhaps there is a way of sharing that, that would help but not sure how.
I am a registered nurse and work in the field of addiction and recovery.
Self acceptance is so important to recovery and wish to share this principle in my work.
Lois Leonard, Another Field, Ballston Spa,, NY, USAsays
Feel intellectually inferior to my peers which sometimes interferes with conversation and relationships in general. Am overly sensitive when someone questions my knowledge on a topic, but at the same time do realize these people do value me and I have experience and knowledge about topics they don’t. May just be envious of their knowledge and skills. Am happy to say I do have several deep relationships. 🤷♂️
Thanks so much for these videos! When we hide things about ourself from others, it creates an energetic wedge between them and us. It also becomes really confusing when parts that we hid come out from time to time. This can be difficult to manage and then lack of trust can show up. When we feel like we can’t be our true self, it can create resentment, and just further lack of intimacy and vulnerability.
Thank you for this Tara….It fits so completely with the Transactional Analysis concept of Life positions (OKness and not OKness). If as children we come to the conclusion that we are not OK, not important and not enough as a result of what we are offered in those first relationships with Parents and caregivers, that stays with us through out life and we take that into all other relationships we have.
i find it very difficult to accept myself for who I am and live in grace and gratitude since my family, 2 brothers including their wives and children, treated my as if I were a monster, unworthy, a cheater, a thief, a psychopath..after standing by my parents untill they passed, lived with them during the last months (year) of their lives (because nonecof the familymembers did, nor helped me) and then they could find no other arguments then :money missing jewelery missing..sustaining that my parents had debts with them, my oldest brother who is a cheater since ever, imitated signatures to create false documents..so I was very happy to cut ties after Notary help and Forensic research…That left me alone with my daughter, who I brought up alone. But since 2 years my daughter started gaslighting me…demanding money, housing threatening me…I ended up in psychiatry..severely depressed because I miss her soo much..I donated her half my apartment and went to live elsewhere cause she didn’t ..I now have not heard of her since 18 months..complete silence..she is leaning on my brothers judgements now..a thing I never expected cause she knows better..but it is as if she enjoyes my pain along with the rest of the family…I isolate more and more, always anxious..I know I did ny very loving best..but they all want my skin
I long for death on a daily bases..I am 68 now
That’s so sad. I had a similar split in my family after my mother’s death. It wasn’t nearly as bad as what you are mentioning, but still, there it was.
I brought her up to live near me and did everything for her. The others wanted no part. After her death the family split was horrible. Why did this split happen? I do not know, understanding why is beyond me. What I do know is what I did for my mom and I know she was grateful for it. I’m happy I made a difference in her last years.
I do talk to one sibling occasionally but not the others. It took me a while to get here but, as far as they go, I pay them no mind. I know I can’t change how they feel and I’m not trying. What is past is past. They know how to contact me and I’d listen if they called. But, I’ve moved on. In my heart I know I did the right thing. And I know I can hold my head high.
there are many things I am self critical about,but the most operational is the need for reassurance that I’m OK worth being with . valued.. t becomes a viscous self fulfilling prophecy. eventually driving people away or hiding and retreating. leading to loneliness and isolation …. textbook!!
further I despise myself for a lack of courage and then force myself break this cycle and go out.. but its hard work .. scary .. tiring and rarely satisfying.
I feel less authentic as I don’t like showing my aggression or sadness – yet encourage my husband and children to show theirs! I will try to allow my vulnerability to shine through.
Thank you for all your help Tara – very pertinent to what many are going through and I guess a lot more to come – this will not just help with clients but with loved ones and firstly ourselves!
I don’t show much of my true self, especially my vulnerability. I am scared of showing it when in a group of people or in a one to one situation. As a result, I have a tendency to censor what I say, in order to hide any inner feelings.
It makes me smille Tara, this is exactly how I work with clients 🙂 The things that we neglect, reject or do not allow in ourselfs are becoming obstacles to selflove, and recieving love from others. We stop the flow of intimacy with ourselfs and others contrary to what we actually long and need, so that we and our relationships are not able to flourish. If we can feel that we ARE Love and that the essence of Love can never be harmed or hurt, then we can trust and surrender and fall into Love 🙂
Thanks Tara, I will look at the next 4 video’s now, and accompany you in the work of spreading.
Warm regards from the Netherlands. Gonneke (www.yourinnerwell.nl)
When I really think about it it makes me angry towards that person. But it’s the shame that makes me hide the trait in the first place so it’s a layer of emotions.
They experience a disconnect, which creates pain and anger.
I become isolated and depressed which perpetuates itself. I have recently discovered that I harbor a lot of shame from my dysfunctional childhood.
They become more alone and isolated.
Thank you! The larger effect of not living myself as I am is that I shortchange giving much more to the world. But for more to and for those closest to me.
Thank you for your wisdom and compassion, Tara. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I was told, by a neighbour (a man), that I talk too loud. He held his hands over his ears and shook his head like my voice was offending him. Standing in the doorway of MY kitchen. I immediately became overly sensitive about it. (Because “You’re too sensitive.”)
When I hide things that I think, or I am told, THEY don’t like about ME it causes acute self-consciousness. It prevents spontaneity. It makes me doubt my intentions. It halts any real genuineness. Because I am old now, it also makes me very, very angry. I’m over being young, impressionable and stupid.
As a younger person, I would’ve considered it a valid criticism and really really tried to change that aspect of myself. To make myself as perfect as possible. To please that person and not offend any other person. To avoid possible future criticism. To excuse not asking my question of justified puzzlement because that might lead to a confrontation were I’d quickly lose. Because a confrontation would cause me to shake & tremble. I hate myself for shaking & trembling. And also because I’d start crying and I have an aversion to crying in front of a person who has unjustifiably criticized me and with whom I may have to interact with again. Because I want to stand strong and face the person and say, Too bad for you! Or, “If I was a man would you say the same? What about my voice exactly offends you?” But no, I want to run away. In other words, my self esteem would take another hit. And so I’d back down and concede anything to stop the feelings that are now arising inside me. Because I can’t bear them. Which is why I drink and use drugs and have done so since I was 13.
But now I don’t know what to do about these feelings. Should I continue to suck them up? Can I? I don’t want to. I came across a book titled: The Art of Being Disliked. So now I will occasionally practice risk-taking by saying (to myself, so far), Eff you, as*hole, hear me roar! Here’s hoping it’ll piss you right off!
Hope I answered the question.
Wow!!!
That is a great question. I made me navigate through things that I don’t like about myself. Maybe I am very disconnected from them and that is the main cause that affects my relationships.
Thanks for challenge me.
Being vulnerable is difficult if someone has childhood experiences of bullies honing in on that, of jeering and laughing. The bully does not feel good about themselves, yes, but that experience stays with us, so we are afraid to show our vulnerability.
In keeping yourself from sharing who you really are, in all your radiance and shadows, you never really allow the other person to be fully who they are with you. Sometimes that’s warranted. But if it’s with someone you want to become closer to it’s a barrier, however thin or thick, to deeper intimacy.
Hiding vulnerability prevents bonding or connection. Accepting the space of being “not your best self” allows people to see that we are not alone in that space.
decreases a feeling of connection
Tara, thank you so much for inspiring videos which I will share with my clients suffering with self-criticism.
Best wishes
Dagmar
lots of misunderstanding
Survey would be great!
H
Hiding aspects of myself that I think others won’t like has had various effects on my relationships, for instance,
1. Lack of Authenticity: It can make me appear inauthentic, preventing others from getting to know the real me.
2. Strained Communication: It may lead to communication issues and misunderstandings if I’m not being open and honest.
3. Stress and Anxiety: Constantly hiding parts of myself can lead to stress and anxiety, impacting my well-being.
4. Surface-Level Connections: Relationships built on a facade tend to be shallow and lack emotional depth.
5. Long-Term Challenges: Over time, maintaining this facade can become exhausting and unsustainable.
In healthy relationships, it’s usually better to be authentic and find people who appreciate you for who you are.
It creates a barrier in their relationships which prevents a deeper sense of intimacy that comes when you are vulnerable and trust the people in your relationships to see both your good and bad.
hiding what I don’t like about myself increases my insecurity and judgement of myself. I spiral inward to a bad place. When I am vulnerable and open about the things I hide/don’t like about myself, I give my partner space to understand me, to validate me and show me love, even show the parts of me I don’t like….some love
Without sharing our true selves as best we know, it is difficult for one to allow themselves to be vulnerable for fear of “exposure”. Intimacy requires the willingness to risk vulnerability, to trust they are loveable despite their fears.
When I am insecure about anything someone might think about me… because it’s something I don’t like about myself I go on automatic and cover it up. Meaning I can’t even feel it. So I am untrue to myself, I am not authentic, I don’t want to feel what I actually feel and cover it up. Which will necessarily lead to mis-perception and mis-understanding on a much larger scale than I want to imagine…
creates pain, lack of authenticity, not being true to self, and do not grow and practice self love. This impacts ones growth in life. this often manifests into deeper struggles too…
I struggled with substance use for most of my adult life, the consequences of this resulted in prison, child removal & trauma. I often feel I cannot be true to who I am because I won’t be accepted or will be judged. I recognise this stems from the shame I carry about my past behaviours because of my own judgement of them. Although I cognitively understand the need to be authentic & to accept myself, emotionally I find myself stuck. Real intimacy is very difficult as is trusting another.
I strongly identify with/relate to your comment. I feel the same burden of shame. Thank you for your honesty. Somehow, it makes me feel better, maybe not alone.
Wonderful content & lots to contemplate!
I have noticed that many of the people with whom I work do not have a sense of community, not wanting to be in community with others. Thus, they pull away from others and ultimately themselves.
thank you
My self shame makes me feel small and unworthy of a partner
I don’t like my impatience and criticalness…these qualities are seen as “pushy”. Sometimes I realise I am like that because of pressure I put on myself because of not feeling good enough about myself. However at the time i am unaware of what is driving that. Perhaps there is a way of sharing that, that would help but not sure how.
I feel exactly the way you describe it. Couldn’t have put it in better words… Thank you.
I am a registered nurse and work in the field of addiction and recovery.
Self acceptance is so important to recovery and wish to share this principle in my work.
Feel intellectually inferior to my peers which sometimes interferes with conversation and relationships in general. Am overly sensitive when someone questions my knowledge on a topic, but at the same time do realize these people do value me and I have experience and knowledge about topics they don’t. May just be envious of their knowledge and skills. Am happy to say I do have several deep relationships. 🤷♂️
Thanks so much for these videos! When we hide things about ourself from others, it creates an energetic wedge between them and us. It also becomes really confusing when parts that we hid come out from time to time. This can be difficult to manage and then lack of trust can show up. When we feel like we can’t be our true self, it can create resentment, and just further lack of intimacy and vulnerability.
Thank you so much❣️
First of all it inhibits the relationship to themselve and let you feel small.
it can look like not showing up, like not being engaged and can limit the relationship.
My “cattiness” makes me a more negative person, harder to feel close to. My lack of opening up does the same thing.
they need their space. they dont want to be touched.
By not allowing myself to be open, honest and vulnerable I miss the opportunity for my partner, family and friends to understand me.
complety agreed 👍
Thank you for this Tara….It fits so completely with the Transactional Analysis concept of Life positions (OKness and not OKness). If as children we come to the conclusion that we are not OK, not important and not enough as a result of what we are offered in those first relationships with Parents and caregivers, that stays with us through out life and we take that into all other relationships we have.
i find it very difficult to accept myself for who I am and live in grace and gratitude since my family, 2 brothers including their wives and children, treated my as if I were a monster, unworthy, a cheater, a thief, a psychopath..after standing by my parents untill they passed, lived with them during the last months (year) of their lives (because nonecof the familymembers did, nor helped me) and then they could find no other arguments then :money missing jewelery missing..sustaining that my parents had debts with them, my oldest brother who is a cheater since ever, imitated signatures to create false documents..so I was very happy to cut ties after Notary help and Forensic research…That left me alone with my daughter, who I brought up alone. But since 2 years my daughter started gaslighting me…demanding money, housing threatening me…I ended up in psychiatry..severely depressed because I miss her soo much..I donated her half my apartment and went to live elsewhere cause she didn’t ..I now have not heard of her since 18 months..complete silence..she is leaning on my brothers judgements now..a thing I never expected cause she knows better..but it is as if she enjoyes my pain along with the rest of the family…I isolate more and more, always anxious..I know I did ny very loving best..but they all want my skin
I long for death on a daily bases..I am 68 now
That’s so sad. I had a similar split in my family after my mother’s death. It wasn’t nearly as bad as what you are mentioning, but still, there it was.
I brought her up to live near me and did everything for her. The others wanted no part. After her death the family split was horrible. Why did this split happen? I do not know, understanding why is beyond me. What I do know is what I did for my mom and I know she was grateful for it. I’m happy I made a difference in her last years.
I do talk to one sibling occasionally but not the others. It took me a while to get here but, as far as they go, I pay them no mind. I know I can’t change how they feel and I’m not trying. What is past is past. They know how to contact me and I’d listen if they called. But, I’ve moved on. In my heart I know I did the right thing. And I know I can hold my head high.
I wish you well and hope time heals your wounds.
there are many things I am self critical about,but the most operational is the need for reassurance that I’m OK worth being with . valued.. t becomes a viscous self fulfilling prophecy. eventually driving people away or hiding and retreating. leading to loneliness and isolation …. textbook!!
further I despise myself for a lack of courage and then force myself break this cycle and go out.. but its hard work .. scary .. tiring and rarely satisfying.
I feel less authentic as I don’t like showing my aggression or sadness – yet encourage my husband and children to show theirs! I will try to allow my vulnerability to shine through.
One client who does not like her body has difficulties to initiate her sexual life with her boyfriend.
Thank you for all your help Tara – very pertinent to what many are going through and I guess a lot more to come – this will not just help with clients but with loved ones and firstly ourselves!
Love and light to all facing trauma!
I don’t show much of my true self, especially my vulnerability. I am scared of showing it when in a group of people or in a one to one situation. As a result, I have a tendency to censor what I say, in order to hide any inner feelings.
Isn’t that one of the main reasons our relationships go wobbly? 🙂
So happy to be here! <3
It makes me smille Tara, this is exactly how I work with clients 🙂 The things that we neglect, reject or do not allow in ourselfs are becoming obstacles to selflove, and recieving love from others. We stop the flow of intimacy with ourselfs and others contrary to what we actually long and need, so that we and our relationships are not able to flourish. If we can feel that we ARE Love and that the essence of Love can never be harmed or hurt, then we can trust and surrender and fall into Love 🙂
Thanks Tara, I will look at the next 4 video’s now, and accompany you in the work of spreading.
Warm regards from the Netherlands. Gonneke (www.yourinnerwell.nl)
They can never be fully themselves and others would not connect with them fully.