My daughter, who is 35 and has 3 kids, has cut me off as and blocked me from any contact. Growing up I’m sure she felt alone and abandoned as I was a single parent and worked hard to provide but was emotionally unavailable. I felt inadequate and didn’t know how to connect on a deep level. I was afraid of being alone with her much of the time because I didnt know what to do or how to be. And I constantly beat myself up because I knew I was failing her. I was judgenentall and critical of her but mainly of myself. I just didnt know and wasn’t enough. Now we are estranged and it breaks my heart. She has had some substance abuse issues and hasn’t done much inner work. I am doing trauma work myself and going deep. Praying constantly for her and my grandchildren.
IF I hide a deeper part of myself then connections always feel conditional, based on appearance, and therefore less trustworthy, less real. I relate to the story of the physician. “If you knew me, you would not accept me.” That might mean my partner or friend leaving–but it could also mean their effort to change or fix me. Not acceptable to surrender to that kind of control or to come under that kind of judgement from another. Also always wonder if my vulnerabilities can be used against me for revenge, power or control. Only with someone who does not need absolute control is it possible to relax. That’s why transformed people are so attractive. You can relax and be yourself. As for SELF-judgement: somewhere along the way I lost the subtle difference between awareness and critique. I thought monitoring myself was the only responsible thing to do (to be safe and accepted). But it’s not a choice between hypervigilant judgement or checking out. Awareness is present, is PRESENCE, but not arriving from a stance of judgement or critique. Presence is attentive, alert but relaxed. Wish I could stay there more often.
As you pointed out, if I am hiding from myself I can’t be authentic or honest with my partner. Sometimes it’s the sheer number of things I find objectionable about myself that shuts me down.
Body Image
indecisive about future of work
childhood trauma
sexual trauma
confusion about the third third of life
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, it prevents me from being authentic… it’s like I become an empty shell, physically present but emotionally not there at all.
My inability to being my true self with people I feel inferior to translates to passive aggressive behavior, resentment, judgement, all the things I regret and end up feeling even more inferior.
I love shifting our mindset and perceptions toward healing ❤️🩹 thank you, Tara for the work you do! I do evocative coaching and I love how you form questions.
I sometimes feel like when I am honest and open with others, I am imposing on them or am tedious to them. I often try to remind myself to listen more and share less, as though the other person is more interesting and likable than I am.
I have a habit of trying to hide my disgust for my own anxiety, disgust at how weak it makes me feel – when I can’t take the crap I put on myself because of that – my cup runneth over and I sob to my spouse, admitting that all of my fears feel real. That’s a lot to put on one person. I leave it up to you to determine if I mean what I put on myself, or what that entail puts on my spouse – because I’m not sure.
I guess still searching. I was involved with Jack Kornfield and Tara, but drifted away. About two years I returned to a daily meditation practice.I am 87 years old am the caregiver for my wife who has I credit my daily meditation to help me greet each day with enthusiasm.
I worry that I appear stupid or not as well educated or spoken. On times when I try to be me, I feel ignored. By hiding I get to ‘watch’ people….. not in a creepy way !! I think I have spent too many years being quiet and watchful that I am not sure what to do x
These feelings come and go, and don’t happen often. l usually keep them to myself, but am going through an episode just now. As l’m not in an active relationship just now it hasn‘t been an issue for my partner, but as l do have a prospective partner l’d like to understand how to get it under control before going deeper into the relationship.
Thank you for these thought provoking videos, what a gift. My fear of failure and not being able to meet my family’s needs prevents me from communicating and pursuing my goals at work. I want to feel empowered and confident that I can achieve the professional success that I desire. I need to remember that everyone starts somewhere and let the motto of progress over perfection be my theme until I become an expert in my pursuits.
They create a protective barrier that others can’t break through. They communicate that they are closed off even without speaking. They can become more judgmental of others and push others away.
Many of my clients come with the core belief that they are “less than” or “not enough”. Healing that wound is typically where we start. I appreciate this resource – thank you Tara.
when i hide myself from others I am only showing what I think others want me to be. it destroys intimacies because I am really not showing up. I am making my real self invisible. I am unable to have a real relationship because the real me isn’t there.
I am just going to speak for myself here and say that when I hide what I don’t like about myself my relationships are affected by my friend’s being hurt that I did not reach out to them . This islanding myself off stems from early experiences of having to go it alone as a child due to a lack of healthy adults in my life. So my ego decided it would be best if the belief that I don’t need anyone to help me (ever) was entrenched into my psyche. This happened very early on in my development. So I guess deep down what I don’t like is the fact that I am an interdependent being, lol ( at least with humans). I will drop to my knees sobbing under a tree in the wilderness or in front of a canine without hesitation, but to be vulnerable in front of a human is so very scary to me. Hiding my vulnerability makes other (humans) in my life feel that I don’t need or want their help and they may feel rejected and even invalidated. I continue to work with this hiding energy and it is challenging at times. Thank you so much for this beautiful gift Tara and Ruth. In kindness and gratitude, Liszka
It prevents you from having true intimacy. Concerned that the “unlovable” part of yourself will drive people away, you can never fully express who you are. Warts and all.
Intimacy can be enhanced by sharing something that I feel ashamed about myself, rather than hiding it as was recently discovered with a group of friends.
Thank you for sharing this! I really brought some clarity with a client I’m working with. My big takeaway is that a person who feels insecure or inadequate finds it difficult to be intimate with others. I also love the question you pose to the client.
I really appreciate that you are sharing your wisdom so freely and broadly, Tarah. I’ve been in practice for about 45 years, but I always get some new and useful idea or insight from the things you share. And I am grateful.
Very good information. When someone hides I use the term “coccooning”. They want to engage with others. They wait for others to come to them, but their demeanor says ” I don’t want to be approached”. The person who is coccooning has to do the hard work of opening up and approaching others even in their fear. This reaction may be related to past experiences of rejection or abandonment.
On the other hand, conflict can occur when one partner is more and more frustrated that all the efforts to draw their quiet, insecure partner in and get them to engage in home life fails. Discussions of expectations of the partner to follow through and be a responsible, caring adult often fall on deaf ears. The frustration builds. Waiting to view the remaining sections.
I love this teaching and reminder on what’s really going on underneath, when we feel disconnected to others and ultimately to ourselves. Thank you for this teaching.
In the instance of the physician, you seem to be projecting insecurity everywhere. Workaholics too often hide behind their work successes to cover their insecurity. Their partners can be fooled and assume there’s a well developed person, just unavailable because they’re busy. The partner can be very disappointed when the person becomes available but seems to have a few interpersonal skills and insight. That disappointment could easily be read as criticism or contempt to the insecure doctor/workaholic. It may jusT be that the partner was Not insecure at all, just mislead by the competence in other areas. It may lead to a divorce, but not because the partner is insecure or critical. I believe that many women divorce men Because over time they get to see that underneath the work competence. Overtime the women find that the men do not have the skills to be a good partner and that the gap between what they were expecting from the man is too great. It is not always the men who like the skills, sometimes it’s the reverse but our Society works in a way that often channels men into focusing on personal success, not interpersonal relationships. If men are insecure it may be because they really haven’t developed the skills necessary and the women are disappointed. It doesn’t mean the women are insecure.or critical, maybe just that they have been quite lonely and unfulfilled because they had assumed that Emotional availability, skills and connection would be the basis of a marriage
in one client who came today, it effected in a total disconnection with his own feelings, and as an outcome, disconnected from his wife and childern,
after working on it, his childern start to connect with him instantly..
They get sad , angry or start feeling empty inside, and might blame their marriage. Which can lead to the thought that divorce is the only way to be happy again.
So instead of seeking closeness they will seek isolation .
Your colleague, John Briere, PhD explains that clients hide what they feel inside but those feelings often come out in Distress Related Behaviors (ie; risky stealing/ sex/ gambling/ eating/ etc) and these DRBs each have relational and sometimes physical/ legal/ other consequences. (He suggests MBSR, ReGAIN,,…)
That is certainly a factor in my failed relationship. We ruined a deep love. Now we are apart and I feel even worse for my part in the failure to thrive.
I loved your neat pithy framing of what is a widespread problem. You are so right: so may people have deep seated fears about their own worth and this prevents them making healthy whole hearted relationships with others. This is to the detriment or the individuals involved-and to wider society so it is vital as therapists we are aware of this and tackle it with clients. Thank you as always Tara for your straightforward good sense. I look forward to the next part.
They turn inside. Avoid by being hyper- or hypoaroused. They might blame others in order not to have to look to their own behavoir.
They think others don’t want them because They feel left outside alone.
In fact, they don’t reach out to others or ask for what they need.
Every video with Tara brings me at ease by itself. Love her question a lot in order to get to the core of the problem in relationship a lot faster.
Helped me to understand my last fight on this level much deeper. 🙏🏻
This v\ideogav e s much insight into myself & I face there is a solution to live in peace & contentment within oneself. Thank you Tara for your invaluable insight.
My daughter, who is 35 and has 3 kids, has cut me off as and blocked me from any contact. Growing up I’m sure she felt alone and abandoned as I was a single parent and worked hard to provide but was emotionally unavailable. I felt inadequate and didn’t know how to connect on a deep level. I was afraid of being alone with her much of the time because I didnt know what to do or how to be. And I constantly beat myself up because I knew I was failing her. I was judgenentall and critical of her but mainly of myself. I just didnt know and wasn’t enough. Now we are estranged and it breaks my heart. She has had some substance abuse issues and hasn’t done much inner work. I am doing trauma work myself and going deep. Praying constantly for her and my grandchildren.
IF I hide a deeper part of myself then connections always feel conditional, based on appearance, and therefore less trustworthy, less real. I relate to the story of the physician. “If you knew me, you would not accept me.” That might mean my partner or friend leaving–but it could also mean their effort to change or fix me. Not acceptable to surrender to that kind of control or to come under that kind of judgement from another. Also always wonder if my vulnerabilities can be used against me for revenge, power or control. Only with someone who does not need absolute control is it possible to relax. That’s why transformed people are so attractive. You can relax and be yourself. As for SELF-judgement: somewhere along the way I lost the subtle difference between awareness and critique. I thought monitoring myself was the only responsible thing to do (to be safe and accepted). But it’s not a choice between hypervigilant judgement or checking out. Awareness is present, is PRESENCE, but not arriving from a stance of judgement or critique. Presence is attentive, alert but relaxed. Wish I could stay there more often.
thanks! l learned a lot from listening to you
As you pointed out, if I am hiding from myself I can’t be authentic or honest with my partner. Sometimes it’s the sheer number of things I find objectionable about myself that shuts me down.
Body Image
indecisive about future of work
childhood trauma
sexual trauma
confusion about the third third of life
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, it prevents me from being authentic… it’s like I become an empty shell, physically present but emotionally not there at all.
My inability to being my true self with people I feel inferior to translates to passive aggressive behavior, resentment, judgement, all the things I regret and end up feeling even more inferior.
I love shifting our mindset and perceptions toward healing ❤️🩹 thank you, Tara for the work you do! I do evocative coaching and I love how you form questions.
I sometimes feel like when I am honest and open with others, I am imposing on them or am tedious to them. I often try to remind myself to listen more and share less, as though the other person is more interesting and likable than I am.
The relationship is no longer with me, but with someone who isn’t me, so I can’t actually feel their love.
So very well done. Thank you as always, Tara, for invaluable insight, wisdom, clarity, and courage❤️
You can’t be authentic and vulnerable with the other person .
I have a habit of trying to hide my disgust for my own anxiety, disgust at how weak it makes me feel – when I can’t take the crap I put on myself because of that – my cup runneth over and I sob to my spouse, admitting that all of my fears feel real. That’s a lot to put on one person. I leave it up to you to determine if I mean what I put on myself, or what that entail puts on my spouse – because I’m not sure.
I guess still searching. I was involved with Jack Kornfield and Tara, but drifted away. About two years I returned to a daily meditation practice.I am 87 years old am the caregiver for my wife who has I credit my daily meditation to help me greet each day with enthusiasm.
It makes me unhappy and has the ability to turn me, at times, into a unfriendly person to others and myself!
I have been told just the opposite, that I “overshare”! I will be interested in your next talk. Thank you, James Freeman
I worry that I appear stupid or not as well educated or spoken. On times when I try to be me, I feel ignored. By hiding I get to ‘watch’ people….. not in a creepy way !! I think I have spent too many years being quiet and watchful that I am not sure what to do x
Just what I needed Now! Blessings
These feelings come and go, and don’t happen often. l usually keep them to myself, but am going through an episode just now. As l’m not in an active relationship just now it hasn‘t been an issue for my partner, but as l do have a prospective partner l’d like to understand how to get it under control before going deeper into the relationship.
Thank you for these thought provoking videos, what a gift. My fear of failure and not being able to meet my family’s needs prevents me from communicating and pursuing my goals at work. I want to feel empowered and confident that I can achieve the professional success that I desire. I need to remember that everyone starts somewhere and let the motto of progress over perfection be my theme until I become an expert in my pursuits.
They create a protective barrier that others can’t break through. They communicate that they are closed off even without speaking. They can become more judgmental of others and push others away.
Many of my clients come with the core belief that they are “less than” or “not enough”. Healing that wound is typically where we start. I appreciate this resource – thank you Tara.
when i hide myself from others I am only showing what I think others want me to be. it destroys intimacies because I am really not showing up. I am making my real self invisible. I am unable to have a real relationship because the real me isn’t there.
Susan
I am just going to speak for myself here and say that when I hide what I don’t like about myself my relationships are affected by my friend’s being hurt that I did not reach out to them . This islanding myself off stems from early experiences of having to go it alone as a child due to a lack of healthy adults in my life. So my ego decided it would be best if the belief that I don’t need anyone to help me (ever) was entrenched into my psyche. This happened very early on in my development. So I guess deep down what I don’t like is the fact that I am an interdependent being, lol ( at least with humans). I will drop to my knees sobbing under a tree in the wilderness or in front of a canine without hesitation, but to be vulnerable in front of a human is so very scary to me. Hiding my vulnerability makes other (humans) in my life feel that I don’t need or want their help and they may feel rejected and even invalidated. I continue to work with this hiding energy and it is challenging at times. Thank you so much for this beautiful gift Tara and Ruth. In kindness and gratitude, Liszka
Thank you for sharing.
Vital insight into what is going on inside you. Understanding the importance of cultivating self-love and compassion.
It prevents you from having true intimacy. Concerned that the “unlovable” part of yourself will drive people away, you can never fully express who you are. Warts and all.
Intimacy can be enhanced by sharing something that I feel ashamed about myself, rather than hiding it as was recently discovered with a group of friends.
Thank you for sharing this! I really brought some clarity with a client I’m working with. My big takeaway is that a person who feels insecure or inadequate finds it difficult to be intimate with others. I also love the question you pose to the client.
I really appreciate that you are sharing your wisdom so freely and broadly, Tarah. I’ve been in practice for about 45 years, but I always get some new and useful idea or insight from the things you share. And I am grateful.
Thank you for this gift! An important topic always, but especially during the times we are living in now.
Disconnection, and a defensive minefield, or field of self-protective feelings, thoughts and behaviors. It’s exhausting and depleting.
Very good information. When someone hides I use the term “coccooning”. They want to engage with others. They wait for others to come to them, but their demeanor says ” I don’t want to be approached”. The person who is coccooning has to do the hard work of opening up and approaching others even in their fear. This reaction may be related to past experiences of rejection or abandonment.
On the other hand, conflict can occur when one partner is more and more frustrated that all the efforts to draw their quiet, insecure partner in and get them to engage in home life fails. Discussions of expectations of the partner to follow through and be a responsible, caring adult often fall on deaf ears. The frustration builds. Waiting to view the remaining sections.
I appreciate these free teaching moments. Thank you for helping me refocus, and refine my skills and awareness.
I love this teaching and reminder on what’s really going on underneath, when we feel disconnected to others and ultimately to ourselves. Thank you for this teaching.
I love this teaching and reminder on what’s really going on underneath, when we feel disconnected to others, then really to ourselves.
In the instance of the physician, you seem to be projecting insecurity everywhere. Workaholics too often hide behind their work successes to cover their insecurity. Their partners can be fooled and assume there’s a well developed person, just unavailable because they’re busy. The partner can be very disappointed when the person becomes available but seems to have a few interpersonal skills and insight. That disappointment could easily be read as criticism or contempt to the insecure doctor/workaholic. It may jusT be that the partner was Not insecure at all, just mislead by the competence in other areas. It may lead to a divorce, but not because the partner is insecure or critical. I believe that many women divorce men Because over time they get to see that underneath the work competence. Overtime the women find that the men do not have the skills to be a good partner and that the gap between what they were expecting from the man is too great. It is not always the men who like the skills, sometimes it’s the reverse but our Society works in a way that often channels men into focusing on personal success, not interpersonal relationships. If men are insecure it may be because they really haven’t developed the skills necessary and the women are disappointed. It doesn’t mean the women are insecure.or critical, maybe just that they have been quite lonely and unfulfilled because they had assumed that Emotional availability, skills and connection would be the basis of a marriage
deep down you will not want me for me. you will take from me.
look forward to learning self worth and self acceptance
Such a generous gift and so important thank you
So glad you are doing this series. A very important subject. I look forward to watching the rest.
Thank you… I needed your message… again🌺
in one client who came today, it effected in a total disconnection with his own feelings, and as an outcome, disconnected from his wife and childern,
after working on it, his childern start to connect with him instantly..
Sadly it often becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So destructive if not faced head on
They get sad , angry or start feeling empty inside, and might blame their marriage. Which can lead to the thought that divorce is the only way to be happy again.
So instead of seeking closeness they will seek isolation .
Your colleague, John Briere, PhD explains that clients hide what they feel inside but those feelings often come out in Distress Related Behaviors (ie; risky stealing/ sex/ gambling/ eating/ etc) and these DRBs each have relational and sometimes physical/ legal/ other consequences. (He suggests MBSR, ReGAIN,,…)
That is certainly a factor in my failed relationship. We ruined a deep love. Now we are apart and I feel even worse for my part in the failure to thrive.
I loved your neat pithy framing of what is a widespread problem. You are so right: so may people have deep seated fears about their own worth and this prevents them making healthy whole hearted relationships with others. This is to the detriment or the individuals involved-and to wider society so it is vital as therapists we are aware of this and tackle it with clients. Thank you as always Tara for your straightforward good sense. I look forward to the next part.
They turn inside. Avoid by being hyper- or hypoaroused. They might blame others in order not to have to look to their own behavoir.
They think others don’t want them because They feel left outside alone.
In fact, they don’t reach out to others or ask for what they need.
They don’t feel worthy of being in a loving relationship.
Communication break down.
Every video with Tara brings me at ease by itself. Love her question a lot in order to get to the core of the problem in relationship a lot faster.
Helped me to understand my last fight on this level much deeper. 🙏🏻
This is very true. As the saying goes, “We cannot give what we do not have.”
This v\ideogav e s much insight into myself & I face there is a solution to live in peace & contentment within oneself. Thank you Tara for your invaluable insight.