Thank you so much for this opportunity. I recently moved out from my home country to the other side of the world to pursue my professional development. The grief that comes with this process makes it so easy to get lost on the way, especially when you feel lonely. These words reminded me that we are never alone in this process, and we are all somehow struggling. Thank you Tara!
What a lovely video. Thank you. So important to be conscious of these aspects of our beings and how they affect our relationships. All those gestures seen on the people´s faces, so common, so hurting. I´ll be willing to watch next video! Really appreciate these opportunities.
It can create empty spaces around them, where intimacy cannot cross. This can then reinforce their feelings of worthlessness (who would want to know them/love them?) it creates a self perpetuating cycle. Some cope by making risky decisions, others might become vulnerable to anxiety/depression.
When I’m all caught up in how disappointed I am with myself and trying to make it go away, I can’t be present with my partner. And what’s worse, I start treating him like he’s the one failing me, and not myself. I expect him to pick up the slack and make me feel good about myself. He either tries and can’t measure up to my excess standards or feels wronged and refuses to play my game. Thankfully, we have been through this enough times and do our best to be honest and communicative, so we can recognize what’s happening and change course.
I find that I am surrounded by so many fast-moving fast-thinking accomplished people that I am concerned and judgemental of myself for not getting enough done fast enough. I guess I hide my concern that I am not enough behind defensiveness. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy even if it’s only in my head.
Thank you so much for all the work you and your teams do, it’s so inspiring and healing.
In answer to the question….It leaves me feeling lonely and that I don’t belong, it’s very painful at times.
What they hide, is what they project, myself included. Honour our faults and fears, recognize and accept then nurture them to safety and healing. All that you communicated is true. Healing always starts and travels a long journey within n’est CE pas?
Thank-you Tara.
Hi, Tara. I live in Brazil. People here seems to express more their feelings, emotions and opinions. I am introspective and I feel
I lost myself. I listen to everybody but I do not known who am I. I feel Lost. I cannot even express what I feel because I do not know exactly what I think. My relationship of 8 years finished 2 years Ago and I feel that finished because I showed ALL my problems and could nota realize my virtues
what I don’t like about myself affects my relationships with others because I feel I’m not being authentic. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and was constantly criticized, blamed and judged. I never felt good enough to be loved and this has caused a lot of suffering, both personally and in my relationships.
Sometimes I’m so busy trying to hide what isn’t great about myself that I forget to open and really listen and be attentive to the other person. You might say that the fear of judgement takes up all the space and I keep talking to cover up my discomfort about my inadequacies.
I am beginning to realize there is a “theme” to my struggles of self-love. Feelings of inadequacy which make me feel discounted and disrespected for what I have to offer in a relationship. So I avoid or procrastinate change due to fear of failure. It brings out my criticism (mainly of my husband) which really belongs to me, not necessarily to him. Recognizing this is my first step in moving forward.
I feel misunderstood often in my closest relationships. It seems the more I want to communicate to create understanding on both sides the more my friend shuts down and tunes out. Then I start repenting for what I may have said that may have offended. I judge myself harshly and feel isolated. I work to stay still and let go of my continually self talk. But I am missing something because this seems cyclical in my relationship. I look forward to hearing more on healing.
I am a high perfectionnist and I am afraid of being betrayed, humiliated. I tend to show only my good sides and to do a lot to be apreciated. Sometimes it is just as if I was playing a role, it’s not really me. It’s energy consuming and I feel lonely because a few people really know what I feel, deep inside.
I’m trying to change slowly and to show more vulnerability to others.
I am confident enough to show vulnerability in my marriage, but I took me years to do so.
Thank you Tara for this information..its sp helpful in my work with clients as well as in my own relationships. I am thinking about how to implement this information and self acceptance is key to relationships..
The client is not genuine with themselves….they’re unable to feel confident to express themselves, their true thoughts and feelings.
Generally, I share with them a ancroyn I developed for my own checklist in relationships.
It is CERTS, intending to bring a breath of fresh air into the situation.
C represents Consent, for example have I requested their consent to their time.
E equality Equality is essential for a balanced understanding.
R respect Respect is about how conscious I am of the other person.
T trust Trust is nothing without us.
S safety Safety has be presented always, and without safety honesty cannot reside.
My own struggle with intimacy prevents me from being able to be open to the connection. I have noticed that I need simple easy reminders and acronyms provide an in the present moment resource to the heart of what matters.
I use this checklist as resource to reference my own, feelings, thoughts and behaviours to help bring my true self to the situation.
It works when I work it. Thank you for sharing your wonderful wisdom.
Namaste….With Warm Regards.
It makes everything more stressful. I have to think in advance and plan. I have to make excuses and even lie. Most of the time I am not aware of the true motives of my behavior.
They never really feel seen for who they are and they keep their hearts closed to avoid being vulnerable and authentic which causes loneliness and disconnection.
It has built walls and caused lost connection and ultimately divorce. It has been my source of frustration with a partner who didn’t open up to me. It leaves me feeling defensive.
Thinking of one client in particular, she keeps her husband away by allowing her 4 year old to sleep with her and then blames her husband for lack of connection.
Hiding is the opposite of vulnerability. Opening up to share is difficult when you feel the need to hide, which then makes It difficult to build trust and to really be close with your partner, friends, and loved ones.
Hi Tara, thanks for all your talks and meditations – they really move me. My comment about the above is that I’ll meditate some more on what I most judge about myself, and what I don’t want others to see. I know I don’t want them to know how depressed I am, or how insecure, or that I’m not as productive as I think I ‘should’ be – and other ‘not enough’ descriptives. Another comment is that I live alone and have become more and more isolated since covid (except for zoom) and, as a musician, am afraid to go out and play music again with my friends, because of being at higher risk healthwise should I contract covid. Also, I’m not in a relationship where I see someone else regularly, so feel quite alone. I imagine these talks could help me move towards being less isolated and lonesome, even though it’s been a tendency for a while. But I won’t give up – I guess that’s a blessing. Be well and thanks again!
I see others so much more able to deal with their lives…more competent and capable. I lack confidence in believing in myself. Then procrastination arises and it becomes a vicious circle of repetition.
shame keeps me in lockdown
as much work as I have done
self Compassion and self Care are my biggest acceptance challenge.
sometimes I wonder if there isn’t some possibility that I may have Autism (spectrum) because I don’t seem to learn from mistakes or knowledge.
i have used tapping, compassion medication, Holosync, trauma therapy, etc …..
I love Tara’s work and approach and will keep trying.
Thank you for this thought-provoking question. I hold a belief that I am a selfish person. I grew up in a religious family, where one of the main tenants of faith I was taught was that the path to holiness or righteousness is walked by putting the needs and wants of others ahead of our own needs and wants. If we put our needs and wants first, that is a sin and makes us unworthy in the sight of God.
I believe I’ve adopted that into my adult life in such a way that having needs and acknowledging them as my own makes me a selfish person. In order to hide this in my relationships, I tend to hyper focus on the other person’s needs. By doing so, if I’m fulfilling someone else’s needs, I must not be a selfish person and am therefore worthy of love. Now that I’m more aware of this, I wonder if I have a tendency to place my needs on the people I’m closest to, telling myself that I’m fulfilling a need of theirs (and am therefore not selfish). I think, in the end, this leaves me feeling resentful, perhaps towards both of us, because I’m not being honest with myself about my needs and seeking a way to truly get those needs met.
Thank you.
When my ego takes over or my need to be right at first i defend and then recognize i feel theres something wrong with me.
Then i run away and process alone for fear of not being understood
Unable to feel comfortable in my own skin and tend to be on edge within the relationship. Super sensitive, very reactive to others comments, always feeling I have to prove my self-worth in some way for others. Creates a big imbalance in the relationship, unable to express true feelings for fear of being exposed. Always ready to pounce and defend myself, easily misinterpret others motives. I creatively avoid doing things, which has a flow on effect and creates frustration for myself and others. Always trying to fix myself in some way to please others and get there approval – mentally draining ! Difficulty saying no.
I often find that this can engender contempt for the other and particularly if it is similar to the part of themselves, if they were able to recognise/acknowledge it, they dislike in themselves .
I have had life long experiences that my being authentic, accountable, open with feelings and needs has only served brutal outcomes.
I now am a truly traumatised person, lost life energy, passion, inner trust & confidence. It has come to such horror and torment to wake and be alive.
I believed in healthy self & harmonious honest relationships.
Wanda, Barely Surviving, Australia
I carry inside me both the child who had to be good and nice for her survival together with the endless judgmental remarks, always critical mother. I am 80 years old and I still cannot trust myself. When I think or do something that might seem positive, the negative reaction is already there. So in my relationship I try not to look too good in order not to get the poisonous remarks.
Thank you Tara – this is the first time this came up in me in this way.
They become distant and are more likely to react to one another without the curiosity about their differences – leading to a more fixed position and a tendency to see things as who is right and wrong…
The video was a good introduction. I will be interested in what follows.
Gratitude to you Tara for sharing your light and wisdom. Healing is happening!
Thank you so much for this opportunity. I recently moved out from my home country to the other side of the world to pursue my professional development. The grief that comes with this process makes it so easy to get lost on the way, especially when you feel lonely. These words reminded me that we are never alone in this process, and we are all somehow struggling. Thank you Tara!
Increased self-isolation
It doesn’t feel good to be inauthentic with myself. I’m not the best at pretending so I know it’s obvious to others.
What a lovely video. Thank you. So important to be conscious of these aspects of our beings and how they affect our relationships. All those gestures seen on the people´s faces, so common, so hurting. I´ll be willing to watch next video! Really appreciate these opportunities.
It can create empty spaces around them, where intimacy cannot cross. This can then reinforce their feelings of worthlessness (who would want to know them/love them?) it creates a self perpetuating cycle. Some cope by making risky decisions, others might become vulnerable to anxiety/depression.
This makes total sense to me. If we fear showing people who we really are, we don’t ever know if they love us for ourselves.
When I’m all caught up in how disappointed I am with myself and trying to make it go away, I can’t be present with my partner. And what’s worse, I start treating him like he’s the one failing me, and not myself. I expect him to pick up the slack and make me feel good about myself. He either tries and can’t measure up to my excess standards or feels wronged and refuses to play my game. Thankfully, we have been through this enough times and do our best to be honest and communicative, so we can recognize what’s happening and change course.
I find that I am surrounded by so many fast-moving fast-thinking accomplished people that I am concerned and judgemental of myself for not getting enough done fast enough. I guess I hide my concern that I am not enough behind defensiveness. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy even if it’s only in my head.
they get defensive and carry a resentment towards others anyone, but it will show in the closer relationships .
Thank you so much for all the work you and your teams do, it’s so inspiring and healing.
In answer to the question….It leaves me feeling lonely and that I don’t belong, it’s very painful at times.
What they hide, is what they project, myself included. Honour our faults and fears, recognize and accept then nurture them to safety and healing. All that you communicated is true. Healing always starts and travels a long journey within n’est CE pas?
Thank-you Tara.
The true connection is lost
Decreases their ability to accept and receive honest communication and support as well the ability to give same
Hi, Tara. I live in Brazil. People here seems to express more their feelings, emotions and opinions. I am introspective and I feel
I lost myself. I listen to everybody but I do not known who am I. I feel Lost. I cannot even express what I feel because I do not know exactly what I think. My relationship of 8 years finished 2 years Ago and I feel that finished because I showed ALL my problems and could nota realize my virtues
what I don’t like about myself affects my relationships with others because I feel I’m not being authentic. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and was constantly criticized, blamed and judged. I never felt good enough to be loved and this has caused a lot of suffering, both personally and in my relationships.
Sometimes I’m so busy trying to hide what isn’t great about myself that I forget to open and really listen and be attentive to the other person. You might say that the fear of judgement takes up all the space and I keep talking to cover up my discomfort about my inadequacies.
I am beginning to realize there is a “theme” to my struggles of self-love. Feelings of inadequacy which make me feel discounted and disrespected for what I have to offer in a relationship. So I avoid or procrastinate change due to fear of failure. It brings out my criticism (mainly of my husband) which really belongs to me, not necessarily to him. Recognizing this is my first step in moving forward.
I feel that I’m covering up all my flaws, I don’t want my true self to be exposed.
I feel misunderstood often in my closest relationships. It seems the more I want to communicate to create understanding on both sides the more my friend shuts down and tunes out. Then I start repenting for what I may have said that may have offended. I judge myself harshly and feel isolated. I work to stay still and let go of my continually self talk. But I am missing something because this seems cyclical in my relationship. I look forward to hearing more on healing.
I am a high perfectionnist and I am afraid of being betrayed, humiliated. I tend to show only my good sides and to do a lot to be apreciated. Sometimes it is just as if I was playing a role, it’s not really me. It’s energy consuming and I feel lonely because a few people really know what I feel, deep inside.
I’m trying to change slowly and to show more vulnerability to others.
I am confident enough to show vulnerability in my marriage, but I took me years to do so.
Thank you Tara for this information..its sp helpful in my work with clients as well as in my own relationships. I am thinking about how to implement this information and self acceptance is key to relationships..
Are there transcripts for these videos?
I read to compensate for some hearing-comprehending limits.
Thanks!
The client is not genuine with themselves….they’re unable to feel confident to express themselves, their true thoughts and feelings.
Generally, I share with them a ancroyn I developed for my own checklist in relationships.
It is CERTS, intending to bring a breath of fresh air into the situation.
C represents Consent, for example have I requested their consent to their time.
E equality Equality is essential for a balanced understanding.
R respect Respect is about how conscious I am of the other person.
T trust Trust is nothing without us.
S safety Safety has be presented always, and without safety honesty cannot reside.
My own struggle with intimacy prevents me from being able to be open to the connection. I have noticed that I need simple easy reminders and acronyms provide an in the present moment resource to the heart of what matters.
I use this checklist as resource to reference my own, feelings, thoughts and behaviours to help bring my true self to the situation.
It works when I work it. Thank you for sharing your wonderful wisdom.
Namaste….With Warm Regards.
Well, it’s like you said, Tara, it leads to feeling of loneliness, isolation and even more conflict in relationships
It makes everything more stressful. I have to think in advance and plan. I have to make excuses and even lie. Most of the time I am not aware of the true motives of my behavior.
They never really feel seen for who they are and they keep their hearts closed to avoid being vulnerable and authentic which causes loneliness and disconnection.
It has built walls and caused lost connection and ultimately divorce. It has been my source of frustration with a partner who didn’t open up to me. It leaves me feeling defensive.
Thinking of one client in particular, she keeps her husband away by allowing her 4 year old to sleep with her and then blames her husband for lack of connection.
No experience of intimacy. Constant feeling of lack which leads to bickering and fighting,
Hiding is the opposite of vulnerability. Opening up to share is difficult when you feel the need to hide, which then makes It difficult to build trust and to really be close with your partner, friends, and loved ones.
Hi Tara, thanks for all your talks and meditations – they really move me. My comment about the above is that I’ll meditate some more on what I most judge about myself, and what I don’t want others to see. I know I don’t want them to know how depressed I am, or how insecure, or that I’m not as productive as I think I ‘should’ be – and other ‘not enough’ descriptives. Another comment is that I live alone and have become more and more isolated since covid (except for zoom) and, as a musician, am afraid to go out and play music again with my friends, because of being at higher risk healthwise should I contract covid. Also, I’m not in a relationship where I see someone else regularly, so feel quite alone. I imagine these talks could help me move towards being less isolated and lonesome, even though it’s been a tendency for a while. But I won’t give up – I guess that’s a blessing. Be well and thanks again!
I see others so much more able to deal with their lives…more competent and capable. I lack confidence in believing in myself. Then procrastination arises and it becomes a vicious circle of repetition.
shame keeps me in lockdown
as much work as I have done
self Compassion and self Care are my biggest acceptance challenge.
sometimes I wonder if there isn’t some possibility that I may have Autism (spectrum) because I don’t seem to learn from mistakes or knowledge.
i have used tapping, compassion medication, Holosync, trauma therapy, etc …..
I love Tara’s work and approach and will keep trying.
Great video. Thank you so much. Very helpful.
Thank you for this thought-provoking question. I hold a belief that I am a selfish person. I grew up in a religious family, where one of the main tenants of faith I was taught was that the path to holiness or righteousness is walked by putting the needs and wants of others ahead of our own needs and wants. If we put our needs and wants first, that is a sin and makes us unworthy in the sight of God.
I believe I’ve adopted that into my adult life in such a way that having needs and acknowledging them as my own makes me a selfish person. In order to hide this in my relationships, I tend to hyper focus on the other person’s needs. By doing so, if I’m fulfilling someone else’s needs, I must not be a selfish person and am therefore worthy of love. Now that I’m more aware of this, I wonder if I have a tendency to place my needs on the people I’m closest to, telling myself that I’m fulfilling a need of theirs (and am therefore not selfish). I think, in the end, this leaves me feeling resentful, perhaps towards both of us, because I’m not being honest with myself about my needs and seeking a way to truly get those needs met.
Thank you.
When my ego takes over or my need to be right at first i defend and then recognize i feel theres something wrong with me.
Then i run away and process alone for fear of not being understood
This makes relationships more neutral, less fully, lovingly connected, less attentive.
Unable to feel comfortable in my own skin and tend to be on edge within the relationship. Super sensitive, very reactive to others comments, always feeling I have to prove my self-worth in some way for others. Creates a big imbalance in the relationship, unable to express true feelings for fear of being exposed. Always ready to pounce and defend myself, easily misinterpret others motives. I creatively avoid doing things, which has a flow on effect and creates frustration for myself and others. Always trying to fix myself in some way to please others and get there approval – mentally draining ! Difficulty saying no.
I often find that this can engender contempt for the other and particularly if it is similar to the part of themselves, if they were able to recognise/acknowledge it, they dislike in themselves .
“The more your client is down on themselves, the more they’ll be judgemental of others.” This can help motivate clients work towards self-acceptance.
I have had life long experiences that my being authentic, accountable, open with feelings and needs has only served brutal outcomes.
I now am a truly traumatised person, lost life energy, passion, inner trust & confidence. It has come to such horror and torment to wake and be alive.
I believed in healthy self & harmonious honest relationships.
Wanda, Barely Surviving, Australia
It makes me feel stuck and unable to feel kindness towards myself and others
Prevents true intimacy
I hate my lack of confidence. It means I often don’t share what I really feel . I don’t stand up for myself. In fact I hide my feelings
akes true intimacy impossible
HMMM. What path to take?
I carry inside me both the child who had to be good and nice for her survival together with the endless judgmental remarks, always critical mother. I am 80 years old and I still cannot trust myself. When I think or do something that might seem positive, the negative reaction is already there. So in my relationship I try not to look too good in order not to get the poisonous remarks.
Thank you Tara – this is the first time this came up in me in this way.
They become distant and are more likely to react to one another without the curiosity about their differences – leading to a more fixed position and a tendency to see things as who is right and wrong…