Their relationships are more superficial, and they feel unseen. Those in relationship with them may feel unfulfilled by the lack of vulnerability and may also feel unmet in their wholeness.
Spending a lot of time playing online games has a very negative effect to my relationships. but actually I could not find the way to be free from this trap, and we are both suffering a lot. me and my 23 years old son. i think it is because we both want to escape from reality.
It wasn’t until really recently and a breakdown of health and treatments for cancer that I realised I had a deep sense of unworthiness and had been carrying the burdens of judgement, shame and guilt for many years and it created an almost constant feeling of anxiety and feelings of dread. After counselling for Trauma I am learning to accept myself and like myself and show myself loving kindness and it is transforming my relationships with my husband and children and with friends . I often complained and could be critical and now I find I dont need to do that as even when something happens that causes concern or conflict I can see the inherent goodness in all of us and that sometimes things can simply go in an unexpected direction and its usually a sense of loss of control that leads to discomfort or misunderstanding and the increased love I feel for myself now just flows into my feelings for others and the goodness I see in them. I guess I dont think of myself as a bad person anymore and that means that connection with others is deeper and more fulfilling. I can listen to others so much more effectively as I’m not watching out for how to defend myself anymore – so communication in relationships are so much better and I can handle the criticism as its just – information that helps me form better bonds with those I love – instead of being reactive ( as I was when I had a deeply held belief of my own Badness or wrongness .. which was a complete illusion – just a story in fact that my parents had created to help them feel like they had some sort of control in life – because they believed the same rubbish ! so they lived in fear of judgement too. There was there ‘stuff’ and it got in the way of their relationships and ability to love and trust even their own child. I was the ‘baddie’ – well they needed a scapegoat and I was it .. a created story that I carried on believing for so many years and it festered away inside of me for so long. Then I chose to move into the light and see the deep wounding and shift this once and for all – self love and loving kindness and forgiveness … it takes a lot of practice but it is healing me and its not linear but it works . Mindfulness daily is part of my tool kit – thank you
I’ve discovered that I’m actually afraid of my own feelings. I’ve never learned to recognize myself in my emotions, to nurture my fears, to be alone with my feelings.
Carrying these feelings all my life was a burden that eventually destroyed my 30year marriage. I’ve since been on a journey of self exploration and understanding myself better. Hasnt been easy, but I do trust that I can express my vulnerability and feelings in a future loving relationship.
I hide my own feelings of self doubt and self loathing by vicing it as dissatisfaction and directing criticism outwardly at my partner. Picking holes in his actions or inaction, rather than doing the inner work on addressing my own needs or figuring out how to make myself feel better. This affects the relationship as he feels attacked criticised and ‘not good enough’ often I think
It can lead to confirmation bias, in that the client may ascribe [especially negative] motivation(s) to the partner (or friend!) which often are inaccurate and uncharitable since the client is looking through a skewed lens. This then can create/sustain a cyclical pattern of negative communication and response.
This is such an important topic to help clients face and talk about feelings of inadequacy. In a culture where we strive for success and perfection it takes a toll on people who do not feel “in the loop“ and do not fit into the how
“ I’m supposed to be/not supposed to be” way of life. I was once told “feelings cannot be scientifically proven so they are not important.”
It can be very freeing when people let go of perceptions they need to be perfect and learn that it’s OK to be vulnerable and not perfect.
Thank you for talking about this in regard to relationships, it is very relevant and helpful.
Your talks and courses are wonderful. I have always felt on the outside looking in. A spectator in life if you will. I have avoided intimacy at all costs for most of my life mostly because of childhood trauma. This work has given me a sense that being more open-hearted and practicing loving kindness to myself and others is a much better way. Some days it is not easy as I dwell on the mistakes I have made, and the things I missed, and the feeling that I spent years on the wrong path. I am grateful that I have found these teachings as I proceed through my remaining years.
Often what I hide about myself is the fact that I can be fierce. I have gone through a lot of difficult experiences that required courage to protect and support those around me. I don’t often show this fierceness, but when it comes out it confuses many people. I also hide how much I want someone to be there for me and it leads to me forming relationships with people who thought I didn’t take “that stuff” seriously.
well I still try to hide the mistakes I made in the past from my kids – which i know is kind of absurd because even though they were young – they knew more than I gave them credit for. I feel a lot of shame for those years right after the divorce when I was desperate to spend time meeting men and even though I gave so much to my girls, I needed breaks. Their dad was out of the picture, and I felt I deserved me time. Today, I think they hold some grudges about this. My shame makes me worry that they will reject me.
When we hide, we are not present. When we are not present we are not attentive. Our awareness is diminished. When we are not attentive to our relationships it demonstrates a lack of care or lack of importance. Our relationships are negatively impacted by our non-presence, physically and emotionally.
Lately, a combination of fatigue, several weeks of vertigo and increasing workload due to my husband’s growing dementia, I have become increasingly judgmental and angry sometimes expressed verbally and in silent resentment. I have then burdened myself with the repair work of my uncharacteristic behavior. I also notice an increased withdrawal from communication with friends and my usual support networks. Self-reflection has caused me increase self awareness of my “manager” & anxious self to cope. I saw the need to increase self-care, understanding and meditation to return to more compassion to self and my husband. Still learning to stop judging harshly my failure to be the person I want to be, inwardly peaceful and outwardly emotionally available. -Marilyn
It is not rational. I have usually been very open about what I am dissatisfied with about myself. And as time has passed and I have become more aware of my anxieties, I have shared them. If I lash out, it’s in frustration, and not meant as be focused as a criticism of the other (although probably more so with my son who has ADHD), but is disruptive non the less. I’ve always been an open book on the face, but similar to your example I feel woefully inadequate. And even though I haven’t achieved the titles and degrees associated with success I know I have had many. But it’s still not enough to satisfy my sense of importance. A low grade chronic self loathing doesn’t result in me being a bad person, or without respect from others, but it is very hard to live with… long term.
It is a great primer for how mindfulness is a powerful tool for creating change in your life. I am part of the MMTCP program and I have used the methods that Tara has described to bring more compassion into my life. Self compassion has been a key factor in bringing some healing for old wounds.
I think it impacts my relationships in that I get even more triggered if I see similar qualities/behaviors in others. I believe that if I’m accustomed to ‘covering’ certain things about myself, I’ll be hyper alert to these same things in others because it’ll be unbearable to see. This will add to the frustration I have because I won’t be able to cover it for the other person and may feel a projected resentment for them.
I definitely think their relationships become less intimate or their intimacy is a façade. They become more reactive & defensive toward the other to protect their own vulnerability. This creates many judgements toward the other (which they then project onto the other) then they blame the other for creating the issues which they need to address within themselves. They can no longer share true love because it requires vulnerability. They can no longer live fully and openly. They are no longer free to express who they really are in relationships. They deny themselves, start identifying with the façade and forget who they really are, which creates separation consciousness and suffering for them and anyone in relationship with them.
They cannot fully connect with others, become secretive, struggle to communicate, ignore their own needs and cannot connect with their authentic selves
Hi Tara, this is a wonderful video. Thank you so much always for your teachings. You always offer insight with kindness toward a more peaceful and honest life.
Thank you,
The Physician in your example seemed already quite self aware. How does this work with those that are defensive and tend to project on others. Also wondering about the Narcissistic client, particularly the more neurotic end of Narcissism.
I lived my entire life until very recently not knowing I was autistic. The depth of self-loathing, self-criticism and lack of self-compassion I endured shaped and were shaped by the stories I told myself about what I perceived to be a deficit within rather than a biological neurodifference at the root of my challenges. My story about being deficient has negatively affected every single relationship in my life and especially my relationship to myself. Finding my way to mindfulness has been life changing. Staying the course is paramount to healing.
Well in my experience you’re never in a relationship with just one person, you were in a relationship with the ghosts,, The neglectful or overbearing parents, their sadness and their impression of who they think you are and your own triggers. What is even harder he is experiencing their anger and passive aggressive resentment towards the sadness that you came from.
Most of my relationship really don’t know me fully. They may see some of me but have no idea the depth of self-judgment and worthless I feel and struggle with everyday. Almost like a hidden version of myself. They see an extremely confident and strong advocate for others that does it with love and compassion. Yet behind closed doors I am not that person to myself
When I hide what I am ashamed of about myself from another, I am presenting a false self out of fear that I am not lovable and will be rejected. When another expresses love for me, I don’t believe it and it doesn’t land in my heart because I know they don’t know the real me, I haven’t allowed them that opportunity.
This inauthenticity used to feel like a shield keeping me safe, but I have come to recognize it as a self-imposed death sentence for my soul. Now, it seems like I have a simple choice: (1) choose fear and hide what I don’t like about myself, guaranteeing I will continue to feel unseen, unloved, and lonely or (2) choose vulnerability and share all of me, opening to the possibility of real love .
Their hearts are busy, defending/ protecting themselfs. The fear is, that If they would be as they are, they might be punished or even abandoned. So its safer to play a role, to act as if they would be close, and not beeing autentic. They hearts are prisoners of their own beliefs.
I become defensive, intolerant even angry and blaming others when I am not liking myself because of a deep sense of guilt, shame, not enough. I feel like I need to control situations and people when I am feeling insecure and afraid I don’t have what it takes to be a ‘normal’ person, afraid I will never measure up when comparing myself to others.
I was first so struck by the OVERWHELMING number of female (at least designated by their names) and so few males. I am a cisgender male and I can relate to and understand the sad messages to young males growing up: don’t share personal feelings, don’t be vulnerable, vulnerable=weak, only anger and sexualized feelings are okay. Never share fear, etc So many women end up being with man-boys who don’t understand what the female desires.
So difficult. For me, my path through was a divorce thru which I unlearned what I had been raised with, a men’s group where toxic masculinity was unearthed and lots of psychotherapy and meditation.
Men get abusive, often not knowing how lonely and in need of connection they are. I notice how in my current marriage I may try critical, when in fact I need a hug!! We do the opposite of what we need!
It’s a path worth transforming. Today I feel more visible and vulnerable and more connected and it’s always worth pushing thru the resistance to staying safe and hidden.
David
Clearly this creates a barrier between the client and others – particularly the person they care about the most. As each pulls away from the hurt the relationship becomes increasingly difficult.
.
I have this sometimes overwhelming sense of being a fraud, that I’ve got everybody fooled about myself—who I really am. This is a wonderful video, and I can’t wait to view the others. Thank you, Tara!
I found that males are particularly unwilling to admit that they have flaws. They have difficulty moving on and continuously bring past problems/mistakes by their partners into the here and now. This is particularly difficult if the one partner comes from a home he/she is perceived as the “model child”. Going into marriage they also expect their partners to accept what they say as final and feel resentful when they are challenged by the other spouse. When the partners are lost in work, the other one may feel neglected. At times, partners spend extended periods on social media it is then that partners feel that they are invisible. I guess it is important to address the inner most fears first and what happens between the partners may be easier to deal with.
Their relationships are more superficial, and they feel unseen. Those in relationship with them may feel unfulfilled by the lack of vulnerability and may also feel unmet in their wholeness.
Spending a lot of time playing online games has a very negative effect to my relationships. but actually I could not find the way to be free from this trap, and we are both suffering a lot. me and my 23 years old son. i think it is because we both want to escape from reality.
It wasn’t until really recently and a breakdown of health and treatments for cancer that I realised I had a deep sense of unworthiness and had been carrying the burdens of judgement, shame and guilt for many years and it created an almost constant feeling of anxiety and feelings of dread. After counselling for Trauma I am learning to accept myself and like myself and show myself loving kindness and it is transforming my relationships with my husband and children and with friends . I often complained and could be critical and now I find I dont need to do that as even when something happens that causes concern or conflict I can see the inherent goodness in all of us and that sometimes things can simply go in an unexpected direction and its usually a sense of loss of control that leads to discomfort or misunderstanding and the increased love I feel for myself now just flows into my feelings for others and the goodness I see in them. I guess I dont think of myself as a bad person anymore and that means that connection with others is deeper and more fulfilling. I can listen to others so much more effectively as I’m not watching out for how to defend myself anymore – so communication in relationships are so much better and I can handle the criticism as its just – information that helps me form better bonds with those I love – instead of being reactive ( as I was when I had a deeply held belief of my own Badness or wrongness .. which was a complete illusion – just a story in fact that my parents had created to help them feel like they had some sort of control in life – because they believed the same rubbish ! so they lived in fear of judgement too. There was there ‘stuff’ and it got in the way of their relationships and ability to love and trust even their own child. I was the ‘baddie’ – well they needed a scapegoat and I was it .. a created story that I carried on believing for so many years and it festered away inside of me for so long. Then I chose to move into the light and see the deep wounding and shift this once and for all – self love and loving kindness and forgiveness … it takes a lot of practice but it is healing me and its not linear but it works . Mindfulness daily is part of my tool kit – thank you
I’ve discovered that I’m actually afraid of my own feelings. I’ve never learned to recognize myself in my emotions, to nurture my fears, to be alone with my feelings.
Carrying these feelings all my life was a burden that eventually destroyed my 30year marriage. I’ve since been on a journey of self exploration and understanding myself better. Hasnt been easy, but I do trust that I can express my vulnerability and feelings in a future loving relationship.
Love it
I guess it prevents total honesty in a relationship.
I hide my own feelings of self doubt and self loathing by vicing it as dissatisfaction and directing criticism outwardly at my partner. Picking holes in his actions or inaction, rather than doing the inner work on addressing my own needs or figuring out how to make myself feel better. This affects the relationship as he feels attacked criticised and ‘not good enough’ often I think
When I hide aspects of myself I am not able to be fully present with others. I am unable to be vulnerable for fear of exposure of my true self.
simple and true.
thank you
It leaves a self hatred that flavors interactions a taste that stops giving and feeling connected.
It can lead to confirmation bias, in that the client may ascribe [especially negative] motivation(s) to the partner (or friend!) which often are inaccurate and uncharitable since the client is looking through a skewed lens. This then can create/sustain a cyclical pattern of negative communication and response.
This is such an important topic to help clients face and talk about feelings of inadequacy. In a culture where we strive for success and perfection it takes a toll on people who do not feel “in the loop“ and do not fit into the how
“ I’m supposed to be/not supposed to be” way of life. I was once told “feelings cannot be scientifically proven so they are not important.”
It can be very freeing when people let go of perceptions they need to be perfect and learn that it’s OK to be vulnerable and not perfect.
Thank you for talking about this in regard to relationships, it is very relevant and helpful.
Your talks and courses are wonderful. I have always felt on the outside looking in. A spectator in life if you will. I have avoided intimacy at all costs for most of my life mostly because of childhood trauma. This work has given me a sense that being more open-hearted and practicing loving kindness to myself and others is a much better way. Some days it is not easy as I dwell on the mistakes I have made, and the things I missed, and the feeling that I spent years on the wrong path. I am grateful that I have found these teachings as I proceed through my remaining years.
Often what I hide about myself is the fact that I can be fierce. I have gone through a lot of difficult experiences that required courage to protect and support those around me. I don’t often show this fierceness, but when it comes out it confuses many people. I also hide how much I want someone to be there for me and it leads to me forming relationships with people who thought I didn’t take “that stuff” seriously.
well I still try to hide the mistakes I made in the past from my kids – which i know is kind of absurd because even though they were young – they knew more than I gave them credit for. I feel a lot of shame for those years right after the divorce when I was desperate to spend time meeting men and even though I gave so much to my girls, I needed breaks. Their dad was out of the picture, and I felt I deserved me time. Today, I think they hold some grudges about this. My shame makes me worry that they will reject me.
Would have loved to have heard the whole thing. It kept freezing. Perhaps it’s my internet connection.
They can’t become authenticate and vulnerable to be who they really are in relationship.
When we hide, we are not present. When we are not present we are not attentive. Our awareness is diminished. When we are not attentive to our relationships it demonstrates a lack of care or lack of importance. Our relationships are negatively impacted by our non-presence, physically and emotionally.
The fear of rejection makes me feel disconnected and unwanted and unloved
Prevents intimacy
Lately, a combination of fatigue, several weeks of vertigo and increasing workload due to my husband’s growing dementia, I have become increasingly judgmental and angry sometimes expressed verbally and in silent resentment. I have then burdened myself with the repair work of my uncharacteristic behavior. I also notice an increased withdrawal from communication with friends and my usual support networks. Self-reflection has caused me increase self awareness of my “manager” & anxious self to cope. I saw the need to increase self-care, understanding and meditation to return to more compassion to self and my husband. Still learning to stop judging harshly my failure to be the person I want to be, inwardly peaceful and outwardly emotionally available. -Marilyn
It is not rational. I have usually been very open about what I am dissatisfied with about myself. And as time has passed and I have become more aware of my anxieties, I have shared them. If I lash out, it’s in frustration, and not meant as be focused as a criticism of the other (although probably more so with my son who has ADHD), but is disruptive non the less. I’ve always been an open book on the face, but similar to your example I feel woefully inadequate. And even though I haven’t achieved the titles and degrees associated with success I know I have had many. But it’s still not enough to satisfy my sense of importance. A low grade chronic self loathing doesn’t result in me being a bad person, or without respect from others, but it is very hard to live with… long term.
Thank you for another mirror
It is a great primer for how mindfulness is a powerful tool for creating change in your life. I am part of the MMTCP program and I have used the methods that Tara has described to bring more compassion into my life. Self compassion has been a key factor in bringing some healing for old wounds.
Interesting and informative
I think it impacts my relationships in that I get even more triggered if I see similar qualities/behaviors in others. I believe that if I’m accustomed to ‘covering’ certain things about myself, I’ll be hyper alert to these same things in others because it’ll be unbearable to see. This will add to the frustration I have because I won’t be able to cover it for the other person and may feel a projected resentment for them.
Trying to hide or compensate for things I assume others won’t like about me makes me defensive and distances me from others.
I definitely think their relationships become less intimate or their intimacy is a façade. They become more reactive & defensive toward the other to protect their own vulnerability. This creates many judgements toward the other (which they then project onto the other) then they blame the other for creating the issues which they need to address within themselves. They can no longer share true love because it requires vulnerability. They can no longer live fully and openly. They are no longer free to express who they really are in relationships. They deny themselves, start identifying with the façade and forget who they really are, which creates separation consciousness and suffering for them and anyone in relationship with them.
They cannot fully connect with others, become secretive, struggle to communicate, ignore their own needs and cannot connect with their authentic selves
Hi Tara, this is a wonderful video. Thank you so much always for your teachings. You always offer insight with kindness toward a more peaceful and honest life.
Thank you,
The Physician in your example seemed already quite self aware. How does this work with those that are defensive and tend to project on others. Also wondering about the Narcissistic client, particularly the more neurotic end of Narcissism.
in a negative way
If you are not showing your real self, how can the others connect with you ?
It can prevent those I love from being able to understand me
I lived my entire life until very recently not knowing I was autistic. The depth of self-loathing, self-criticism and lack of self-compassion I endured shaped and were shaped by the stories I told myself about what I perceived to be a deficit within rather than a biological neurodifference at the root of my challenges. My story about being deficient has negatively affected every single relationship in my life and especially my relationship to myself. Finding my way to mindfulness has been life changing. Staying the course is paramount to healing.
Well in my experience you’re never in a relationship with just one person, you were in a relationship with the ghosts,, The neglectful or overbearing parents, their sadness and their impression of who they think you are and your own triggers. What is even harder he is experiencing their anger and passive aggressive resentment towards the sadness that you came from.
they isolate themselves and sometimes become agressive. Above all, they reinforce their bad self-estime.
I friend put her blog on my phone
Most of my relationship really don’t know me fully. They may see some of me but have no idea the depth of self-judgment and worthless I feel and struggle with everyday. Almost like a hidden version of myself. They see an extremely confident and strong advocate for others that does it with love and compassion. Yet behind closed doors I am not that person to myself
Yes it’s interesting
When I hide what I am ashamed of about myself from another, I am presenting a false self out of fear that I am not lovable and will be rejected. When another expresses love for me, I don’t believe it and it doesn’t land in my heart because I know they don’t know the real me, I haven’t allowed them that opportunity.
This inauthenticity used to feel like a shield keeping me safe, but I have come to recognize it as a self-imposed death sentence for my soul. Now, it seems like I have a simple choice: (1) choose fear and hide what I don’t like about myself, guaranteeing I will continue to feel unseen, unloved, and lonely or (2) choose vulnerability and share all of me, opening to the possibility of real love .
I become judgemental and critical of others. Creating anger and resentment on both parts. I retreat, withdraw and become smaller.
Their hearts are busy, defending/ protecting themselfs. The fear is, that If they would be as they are, they might be punished or even abandoned. So its safer to play a role, to act as if they would be close, and not beeing autentic. They hearts are prisoners of their own beliefs.
I become defensive, intolerant even angry and blaming others when I am not liking myself because of a deep sense of guilt, shame, not enough. I feel like I need to control situations and people when I am feeling insecure and afraid I don’t have what it takes to be a ‘normal’ person, afraid I will never measure up when comparing myself to others.
The relationship to my partner is not so deeply anymore. There is more the feeling of distance.
Thank you so much
Ulla Rehm
I was first so struck by the OVERWHELMING number of female (at least designated by their names) and so few males. I am a cisgender male and I can relate to and understand the sad messages to young males growing up: don’t share personal feelings, don’t be vulnerable, vulnerable=weak, only anger and sexualized feelings are okay. Never share fear, etc So many women end up being with man-boys who don’t understand what the female desires.
So difficult. For me, my path through was a divorce thru which I unlearned what I had been raised with, a men’s group where toxic masculinity was unearthed and lots of psychotherapy and meditation.
Men get abusive, often not knowing how lonely and in need of connection they are. I notice how in my current marriage I may try critical, when in fact I need a hug!! We do the opposite of what we need!
It’s a path worth transforming. Today I feel more visible and vulnerable and more connected and it’s always worth pushing thru the resistance to staying safe and hidden.
David
Very useful to focus on Client’s insecurity being a fear of intimacy. Thank you.
Clearly this creates a barrier between the client and others – particularly the person they care about the most. As each pulls away from the hurt the relationship becomes increasingly difficult.
.
I have this sometimes overwhelming sense of being a fraud, that I’ve got everybody fooled about myself—who I really am. This is a wonderful video, and I can’t wait to view the others. Thank you, Tara!
I found that males are particularly unwilling to admit that they have flaws. They have difficulty moving on and continuously bring past problems/mistakes by their partners into the here and now. This is particularly difficult if the one partner comes from a home he/she is perceived as the “model child”. Going into marriage they also expect their partners to accept what they say as final and feel resentful when they are challenged by the other spouse. When the partners are lost in work, the other one may feel neglected. At times, partners spend extended periods on social media it is then that partners feel that they are invisible. I guess it is important to address the inner most fears first and what happens between the partners may be easier to deal with.