Such a touching and inspiring video! The shift from a place of cruel self-judgement to compassionate self-acceptance (“flaws” and all) is possible. So many of us in our society have really been fed this belief that we are innately inadequate and deeply flawed at our cores. This is so traumatizing. There is a lighter, more compassionate way, one of self-acceptance and self-love, and I am so thankful for individuals like Tara for their ongoing efforts in putting this message out there. Thank you so much Tara for making this video and for all of your heartfelt efforts to bring people back to their True Nature, which is healing, peace, connectedness, and happiness.
Hiding anything creates an impenetrable wall to stop others from seeing what your hiding.
In return excludes that part if your self from others.
We can not see ourselves clearly.
It is paralyzing. I feel stuck in the middle. I have grown to take care of everyone else and forgot how to take care of me. Or even know what I want, feel or need. I ended a 28 year marriage to a man that our marriage counselor diagnosed as being an entitled narcissistic psychopath. That diagnosis shocked me to my core. But once she had me read up on it, it explained a lot, but it was overwhelming and I was so exhausted from it all because I was trying to protect our then 16 year old son from him and his behavior. But I wasn’t prepared to know how to take care of myself. For the first time in a long time I had deal with getting myself to a place where I could be strong and put back together so I could help him. But I had no idea at the time and just had to survive and try and get out from under his abuse. I had to acknowledge that what he was doing was abusive to me too. I still feel like I failed me and my son. And now feeling a bit better about myself and what my needs are. And I’m desperate to try and show my son that it was not healthy to put everyone first before yourself. As I see him doing what he learned from me. I was a martyr and now I feel he is too. You have helped me open my eyes and I see I need to get myself together so I can be a good example for him. I have taught him what I thought I was supposed to do in a relationship. Now I want to teach and show him by example what you are supposed to do in a healthy relationship. Thank you for your great information and teaching. I’m getting my life back.
Unfortunately too many clients focus too much on what they don’t like about themselves, when they would be happier with themselves and their relationships if they would focus more on their strong-points.
Name your feelings. Let them move through you. Put your hand in your heart. Offer words of care and comfort. Repeat 100 times to rewire my brain. I am on a journey. Thank you for giving me strategies that I can easily use.
it creates the distance and separation and many people then feel upset that they are not feeling close to their partners or are feeling rejected, something that is projected but already created by their own insecurities.
why am I unlovable , why are others lovable, then the result -I can’t love– I can’t appreciate others strengths, I can’t enjoy others, I can’t appreciate life, there is no gratitude, fear intensifies, . self judgements– look for flaws in others– project my own not good enough on others– set ridiculous standards– always in doubt of my desirability/ love-abiity, always insecure looking for approval/disapproval, validation , am I understood, fear that I can’t relate, – feed back loop- disconnection intensifiers– relationships become more disconnected, eventually live in isolation- phobic — the rational mind is driving me crazy- it needs to expand- get out of isolation- I read the posts- felt a common humanity– found some kindness within thank you
My self loathing is my dominant emotion. I learned at a very young age I wasn’t what my parents wanted me to be.
I was told I was too fat and had ugly hair. I carry that voice inside and have projected this into all my relationships. I guess I’m afraid others will see me as my parents did.
I have struggled with this all my life. I have told multiple analysts and therapist my delusion of myself A beautiful apple on outside and no one sees the worm and rot on inside. Buddhism and you have helped enormously over the years but it crops up. I find your podcast enlightening. Thanks
When I hide what I don’t like about myself , I feel like there is a wall between me and the other person. In the past when I have let my guard down and let the other see really who I am , they have run, not walked away. When they see my insecurities and my need to make that deep connection, they don’t know how to respond or what to do or say. So I have learned to only show so much of me before I get hurt again.
I feel an inner conflict, when I’m really angry – often as a reflex on the anger and aggression, my husband shows toward me if things “go wrong”. This nearly always creates conflict and struggel between us.
This pattern lays as a dark shadow over our 50 years old marriage…it takes a lot of work, to transform my own anger-energie into embracing it and to find a peaceful attidude in forgiveness to myself and to my partner, always and always again. It is the only true way I know. Thank you for your support on this inner way!
I’m afraid of being my whole creative self; of accepting myself in the moment and allowing time in my life for a little meditation. My anxiety prevents me from enjoying my day to day life and family. I project fear into the future. It’s exhausting!
I let anger take over when I don’t feel heard or validated. I yell. It makes people not want to be around me. I have learned to try and control that most times. I’ve also learned that raising my voice doesn’t make me heard. I have no control over whether the other person chooses to listen to me.
Like Liska i have that inbuilt self sufficiency/dependency thrust upon me from early on, whilst I see that as a strength, I can see also the need to notice when I use it as an avoiding tactic for moments of intimacy/ vulnerability. In those moments I feel if I let my guard down, I will crumble and be a wreck on the floor. I don’t like or want that feeling! So how should I go about not becoming a blubbering mess on the floor? Instead to stay present, acknowledge this feeling and perhaps say out loud that this is what is going on for me? Have compassion for the little me that didn’t get the nourishment I needed from early on?Thank you Tara so much for all your love. You are amazing.
I feel very lonely and isolated which can lead to low key resentment, even though I know its not warranted by the other. I feel as if I have to work really hard to be worthy and its exhausting! In spite of years of practising meditation and having practised as a counsellor before I retired to run an animal sanctuary, I just never really feel ‘good enough’
By showing myself as something different (hiding my fears, lack of self-confidence, fear of lashing out because of self-loathing, etc) I make it doubly hard to repair the damage I might do, because to the other, it comes 1) as unexpected to them if I do flip out, and 2) if I do then explain that things aren’t going well for me, it’s almost like I didn’t warn them, and therefore cheated them by not trusting them with my feelings in the first place. This downward spiral makes it ‘not worth it’ to try and build or hold on to relationships. I’m so tired of trying to prove myself to myself and therefore to others.
Thanks to Tara, I’ve been listening to your guidance for many years now <3 <3
It means I’m less open, more reluctant in developing new relationships, it means I put on a ‘front’ which probably means I’m less honest as a way of protecting myself from failure, rejection etc.
Since I’m not being true to myself. I’m not being honest in showing others the real me. That diminishes me and starts to create tension in the relationship.
Well, I’m already 46 years married with the same man. We had our ups and downs but I have seen clearly that without growing personally and the common knowledge that we all have our qualities and shadows we wouldn’t have come so far. You can’t expect that your partner accomplishes what you yourself need to do. That’s why humility is for me the keyword. It’s so easy to get lost in our own stories and defences and when we accept each others blind points and threat them with the respect we owe them things are easier and we can even laugh at them. There is no light without darkness, there is no darness without light.
It is a barrier of love to hide my insecurities by creating a false front. I am hiding from myself to do so. Being known is a core human need and prerequisite to relationship. To hide who I am is to deny relationship with love- both within and outside of myself.
It’s almost as if they don’t know why their relationships are painful. Hiding what they don’t like about themselves means hiding it from themselves and confusion anger sadness and blame.
Your explanation is so clear, makes so much sense. If you don’t love yourself, you hide from your partner the very thing they want from you to know you deeply like no other. You keep that intimate connection from them, block it by not revealing your true self and the relationship will be simple a shell.
It means that I do not share my self, in a relaxed, open way. I am in control of how I am, and dont let things flow. I will not let someone come close to me, where I am vulnerable and open.
In the mid-1980s I left my wife and children who were aged 9 and 5. I could not live with and tolerate any more of their mother’s psychological abuse toward me, and ultimately it led to a couple of episodes, before I left, of my anger manifesting itself in physical abuse toward my ex-wife. I just had to get out for the sake of everyone, and immediately felt happier. Over the years I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt, and it is only fairly recently that I have been able to accept myself kindly for having left my children. I have maintained communication with them both, however, lately, I have had a serious falling out with my eldest daughter who is now in her mid-forties with 2 children of her own. I have realised that I showed anger toward my daughter for an injustice that her actions displayed, and that action has led to our estrangement. However, I have also realised over the years I have been afraid to show anger toward both my children, and it is something that I have generally attempted to hide and push down, even, when I guess, it is appropriate to show.
It affects my relationships in a not so good way. I’ve tried opening up to family members about what has been going on for me in my life and they just don’t want to know. So now I feel that I need to keep it all to myself and that is not good and it does not make me feel good. I feel I need an outlet and talk about things and not bottling it up because bottling it up is what I feel I’ve been forced to do as I cannot say anything about anything to my family members. I feel alienated and seperate from them.
It cuts me off from people and makes me doubt the relationship and their feelings for me, because I’m not revealing who I am. If they knew who I really am they would not care for me.
It leaves them without insight into how their actions impact how other people feel about them
I end up building up a boundary between me and others. I end up having no one near. No one enters through because I am hiding. No relationship there.
Such a touching and inspiring video! The shift from a place of cruel self-judgement to compassionate self-acceptance (“flaws” and all) is possible. So many of us in our society have really been fed this belief that we are innately inadequate and deeply flawed at our cores. This is so traumatizing. There is a lighter, more compassionate way, one of self-acceptance and self-love, and I am so thankful for individuals like Tara for their ongoing efforts in putting this message out there. Thank you so much Tara for making this video and for all of your heartfelt efforts to bring people back to their True Nature, which is healing, peace, connectedness, and happiness.
Hiding anything creates an impenetrable wall to stop others from seeing what your hiding.
In return excludes that part if your self from others.
We can not see ourselves clearly.
It is paralyzing. I feel stuck in the middle. I have grown to take care of everyone else and forgot how to take care of me. Or even know what I want, feel or need. I ended a 28 year marriage to a man that our marriage counselor diagnosed as being an entitled narcissistic psychopath. That diagnosis shocked me to my core. But once she had me read up on it, it explained a lot, but it was overwhelming and I was so exhausted from it all because I was trying to protect our then 16 year old son from him and his behavior. But I wasn’t prepared to know how to take care of myself. For the first time in a long time I had deal with getting myself to a place where I could be strong and put back together so I could help him. But I had no idea at the time and just had to survive and try and get out from under his abuse. I had to acknowledge that what he was doing was abusive to me too. I still feel like I failed me and my son. And now feeling a bit better about myself and what my needs are. And I’m desperate to try and show my son that it was not healthy to put everyone first before yourself. As I see him doing what he learned from me. I was a martyr and now I feel he is too. You have helped me open my eyes and I see I need to get myself together so I can be a good example for him. I have taught him what I thought I was supposed to do in a relationship. Now I want to teach and show him by example what you are supposed to do in a healthy relationship. Thank you for your great information and teaching. I’m getting my life back.
Unfortunately too many clients focus too much on what they don’t like about themselves, when they would be happier with themselves and their relationships if they would focus more on their strong-points.
Name your feelings. Let them move through you. Put your hand in your heart. Offer words of care and comfort. Repeat 100 times to rewire my brain. I am on a journey. Thank you for giving me strategies that I can easily use.
Looking for tools to let go of guilt and judgement.
Fear of abandonment, judgement from others. Keeps me guarded so I can’t be hurt.
Causes distance and feeling like a fraud
it creates the distance and separation and many people then feel upset that they are not feeling close to their partners or are feeling rejected, something that is projected but already created by their own insecurities.
Wonderful delivery & insightful. Keeping the volume down with our inner thoughts is a conscious effort, a daily commitment.
why am I unlovable , why are others lovable, then the result -I can’t love– I can’t appreciate others strengths, I can’t enjoy others, I can’t appreciate life, there is no gratitude, fear intensifies, . self judgements– look for flaws in others– project my own not good enough on others– set ridiculous standards– always in doubt of my desirability/ love-abiity, always insecure looking for approval/disapproval, validation , am I understood, fear that I can’t relate, – feed back loop- disconnection intensifiers– relationships become more disconnected, eventually live in isolation- phobic — the rational mind is driving me crazy- it needs to expand- get out of isolation- I read the posts- felt a common humanity– found some kindness within thank you
It keeps them closed off from real intimacy with their partner. It also keep most relationships in their life on a superficial level.
It keeps them guarded in all their interactions.
My self loathing is my dominant emotion. I learned at a very young age I wasn’t what my parents wanted me to be.
I was told I was too fat and had ugly hair. I carry that voice inside and have projected this into all my relationships. I guess I’m afraid others will see me as my parents did.
It leaves them feeling disconnected and emotionally distant
I have struggled with this all my life. I have told multiple analysts and therapist my delusion of myself A beautiful apple on outside and no one sees the worm and rot on inside. Buddhism and you have helped enormously over the years but it crops up. I find your podcast enlightening. Thanks
When I hide what I don’t like about myself , I feel like there is a wall between me and the other person. In the past when I have let my guard down and let the other see really who I am , they have run, not walked away. When they see my insecurities and my need to make that deep connection, they don’t know how to respond or what to do or say. So I have learned to only show so much of me before I get hurt again.
creates distance
It effects their closeness w/themselves and others. they may make poor choices in connecting with others and deepen the hurt they already have inside.
I feel an inner conflict, when I’m really angry – often as a reflex on the anger and aggression, my husband shows toward me if things “go wrong”. This nearly always creates conflict and struggel between us.
This pattern lays as a dark shadow over our 50 years old marriage…it takes a lot of work, to transform my own anger-energie into embracing it and to find a peaceful attidude in forgiveness to myself and to my partner, always and always again. It is the only true way I know. Thank you for your support on this inner way!
It keeps them distant from others and reinforces their belief that they are unloveable or unworthy.
I’m afraid of being my whole creative self; of accepting myself in the moment and allowing time in my life for a little meditation. My anxiety prevents me from enjoying my day to day life and family. I project fear into the future. It’s exhausting!
I let anger take over when I don’t feel heard or validated. I yell. It makes people not want to be around me. I have learned to try and control that most times. I’ve also learned that raising my voice doesn’t make me heard. I have no control over whether the other person chooses to listen to me.
Like Liska i have that inbuilt self sufficiency/dependency thrust upon me from early on, whilst I see that as a strength, I can see also the need to notice when I use it as an avoiding tactic for moments of intimacy/ vulnerability. In those moments I feel if I let my guard down, I will crumble and be a wreck on the floor. I don’t like or want that feeling! So how should I go about not becoming a blubbering mess on the floor? Instead to stay present, acknowledge this feeling and perhaps say out loud that this is what is going on for me? Have compassion for the little me that didn’t get the nourishment I needed from early on?Thank you Tara so much for all your love. You are amazing.
I feel very lonely and isolated which can lead to low key resentment, even though I know its not warranted by the other. I feel as if I have to work really hard to be worthy and its exhausting! In spite of years of practising meditation and having practised as a counsellor before I retired to run an animal sanctuary, I just never really feel ‘good enough’
By showing myself as something different (hiding my fears, lack of self-confidence, fear of lashing out because of self-loathing, etc) I make it doubly hard to repair the damage I might do, because to the other, it comes 1) as unexpected to them if I do flip out, and 2) if I do then explain that things aren’t going well for me, it’s almost like I didn’t warn them, and therefore cheated them by not trusting them with my feelings in the first place. This downward spiral makes it ‘not worth it’ to try and build or hold on to relationships. I’m so tired of trying to prove myself to myself and therefore to others.
Thanks to Tara, I’ve been listening to your guidance for many years now <3 <3
It means I’m less open, more reluctant in developing new relationships, it means I put on a ‘front’ which probably means I’m less honest as a way of protecting myself from failure, rejection etc.
Since I’m not being true to myself. I’m not being honest in showing others the real me. That diminishes me and starts to create tension in the relationship.
They become distant and isolate from others. They are not able to see opportunities for connection, so they miss out even more.
Lovely gift. Thank you!
Finding these so helpful!
Thanks Tara, that simple phrase causes a pause, breaking the repeat loop. I can feel it in myself.
Thank you this was informative
Thank you 🙏🏻 …so much to be with for me. As I open to allowing awareness, the tension inside me is front & center.
Tremendous disconnect with others.
Creates distance
Well, I’m already 46 years married with the same man. We had our ups and downs but I have seen clearly that without growing personally and the common knowledge that we all have our qualities and shadows we wouldn’t have come so far. You can’t expect that your partner accomplishes what you yourself need to do. That’s why humility is for me the keyword. It’s so easy to get lost in our own stories and defences and when we accept each others blind points and threat them with the respect we owe them things are easier and we can even laugh at them. There is no light without darkness, there is no darness without light.
Very interesting and helpfull for the praktice. Thank you for sharing.
This really makes sense. I can see how this concept has made it difficult for me to maintain relationships.
It is a barrier of love to hide my insecurities by creating a false front. I am hiding from myself to do so. Being known is a core human need and prerequisite to relationship. To hide who I am is to deny relationship with love- both within and outside of myself.
They are unable to show up and their partner experiences them as absent.
Helpful
It’s almost as if they don’t know why their relationships are painful. Hiding what they don’t like about themselves means hiding it from themselves and confusion anger sadness and blame.
Your explanation is so clear, makes so much sense. If you don’t love yourself, you hide from your partner the very thing they want from you to know you deeply like no other. You keep that intimate connection from them, block it by not revealing your true self and the relationship will be simple a shell.
It means that I do not share my self, in a relaxed, open way. I am in control of how I am, and dont let things flow. I will not let someone come close to me, where I am vulnerable and open.
In the mid-1980s I left my wife and children who were aged 9 and 5. I could not live with and tolerate any more of their mother’s psychological abuse toward me, and ultimately it led to a couple of episodes, before I left, of my anger manifesting itself in physical abuse toward my ex-wife. I just had to get out for the sake of everyone, and immediately felt happier. Over the years I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt, and it is only fairly recently that I have been able to accept myself kindly for having left my children. I have maintained communication with them both, however, lately, I have had a serious falling out with my eldest daughter who is now in her mid-forties with 2 children of her own. I have realised that I showed anger toward my daughter for an injustice that her actions displayed, and that action has led to our estrangement. However, I have also realised over the years I have been afraid to show anger toward both my children, and it is something that I have generally attempted to hide and push down, even, when I guess, it is appropriate to show.
It affects my relationships in a not so good way. I’ve tried opening up to family members about what has been going on for me in my life and they just don’t want to know. So now I feel that I need to keep it all to myself and that is not good and it does not make me feel good. I feel I need an outlet and talk about things and not bottling it up because bottling it up is what I feel I’ve been forced to do as I cannot say anything about anything to my family members. I feel alienated and seperate from them.
It cuts me off from people and makes me doubt the relationship and their feelings for me, because I’m not revealing who I am. If they knew who I really am they would not care for me.