When I hide what I don´t like about myself, I am not vulnerable and so I remain closed off from people. The lack of vulnerability in my relationships has made them superficial and only temporal relationships. It has affected me by making me feel more disconnected with the world I avoid mentioning my boundaries, I avoid expressing myself with vulnerability and I avoid getting the meaningful, close and connected relationship I really want. I am grateful that I have found a wonderful personal development school and so I am starting to work on this. Of course for a few years now I love to listen to Tara Brach´s spiritual talks on youtube which I put close to my ear every time I get anxious in life because her tranquil voice calms me down.
Fear of doing something wrong and something bad will happen if I do not act correctly. Listening to what is going on inside me, regularly and vocalise these feelings is what I am trying to do. Often I forget and then simply ‘all is bad’….
Thank you Tara, I feel that what you say and write helps me.
They are not being true to themselves and are hiding behind a front. This will eventually come to the public person in an unworthy characteristic and this person will not be happy about this
Hi Tara, so grateful for yet another brilliant video!
It filters my behaviour in an insidious way. I become self-absorbed instead of open & in the present; I am not actively listening to the other person. I am tensed & consummed with strategies to get over the communication problem. Increasingly stronger barriers build up between me & the other person I want to be close to. We drown instead of surfing in connectedness …
When one hides something he/she doesn’t like about himself/herself, it may work unconsciously and constantly in the mind, causing negative impacts on relationships. The matter may become an unresolved issue that disallows a peace of mind for the individual.
Thank you for this video. I’m just working on a workshop about knowing ourselves better and most of the people attending it asked about having tools to open up to others without the fear of being judge. They told me that they wanted to learn how to relate to others in a more real and authentic way.
So thank you so much, you offer me so many information and to share with them and help them in their journey !
This resonates so much in the clients I work with… helping them towards understanding and compassion towards self… always leads to them being more open and loving towards others … thank you for sharing this, I look forward to more!
Thank you for your wonderful reflections –
I have strong values of my own. Have lived by myself for many years, started my own company, but I still have that inner feeling of not being good enough, that I feel wants to put me down. I know, how it came there, people throughout my life telling me, what they thought that I could not say or do.
When I was in my 40’ies, I broke out of my marriage and the norms of my family. I had a strong inner belief, that I could ‘make it’ – It wasn’t what I thought, I’d do, but I’ve made a career as a jeweller and specialised I’m responsible sourcing.
The hardest part is to let go of motherhood.
I live by myself, because I vowed that I wouldn’t live with a partner again, until I knew myself. I think, that most people recognise me for who I am these day, but do I recognise myself? There’s an inner fight of letting go of my need to control and on the other hand I believe in synchro-destiny.
I have to let go!
Thank you for your inspiration ??
Anna
I think my biggest fear is to let things slip out of my hands. I am dreaming of not finding the right place, not being in time or having to much stuff to carry to get into a narrow place since years (whenever I am stressed). As a consequence, I am anticipating all soorts of what might happens, anticipating on them and planning. I really feel guilty if somebody misses something due to me not keeping up with things. I ask everybody 5 times whether they packed everything for school, tell them to be careful with the bike, it almost feels like an obligation, like magic, what ever you anticipate will never happen. I’m getting really good in predicting catastrophies (probably I should write a book with a very unusual plot). On the other hand, the small accidents like letting a paper tissue slip into the black clothes wash almost never happens to me. And I don’t understand why it happens to other people. So probably my relationship with other is that I am nagging all the time remembering about what might happen and reacting rather annoyed, when accidents happen. However, when things are spontanously turning out to be plesant and relaxed, I am not able to enjoy it either.
Last time I was cycling on a huge lane with many other cyclists, when I realized that somebody after mee was constantly talking, it felt like she was giving angry comentary on whatever I did. ‘You need to stop in front of the pedestrian crossing, this car from right does not have to stop,.. ‘ I was really shocked (eventually I was to astonished to be angry, I guess): Am I really like that? Believe me, I dearly promissed to pay more attention to what I was saying.
Well, later that day I realised that it was a kind of ‘behaving-save-in the traffic- day of the local schools, so probably she was just very nervous about that and anticipated on the children to early 😉 .
There is a fear of being caught out and found out so they are very quick to slip into a combat approach to protect from the fear . Blame and anger so much easier to handout than accept the belief about self which actually may only be a story that is strongly thought to be real, this is so difficult to peel away that it ( the belief ) in fact is not true.
I am nearly eighty years old and I present a picture of always being cheerful and competent. I hide the fact that inside I am lonely and craving the kind of connection where I can be vulnerable and truly honest about how I experience life in these uncertain times. My apparent self-sufficiency reassures my children and good friends that I don’t need a space and a connection that will give me non-judgemental acceptance.
I met my husband 28 years ago … love at first sight. We spent 24 hours in a bliss bubble like the heavens opened & blessed us. I spilt out my history in those 24 hours like I’d never spoke to anyone… All of the abuse, loss, abandonment & sexual abuse was on the table. Then… I drove home… Not sure when or if I’d ever see him again. Within 48 hours my phone rang. He had tracked me down through friends of friends.., Asked if I wanted to see him again. I was ecstatic to hear from him & Imediately jumped through the phone saying yes with every fiber of me. He was at my door within 15 hours & we’ve been together ever since. That was 3 grown sons ago. Life’s changed a great deal in those 28 years. But within weeks of starting our romance … I found myself people.pleasing and holding myself back… Feeling inadequate & needy & dependent on him for safety (traveling on the road) and love. He has always been very independent and string willed and really has no need to please others… Quite happy in himself. Something I them admired but over the years have learned that I sorta resent it sometimes.
Were no longer free roaming young psychedelic fiends who follow a gypsy lifestyle worshiping the grateful dead Lol. We’ve lived many jobs & places in those years & have worked hard at raising 3 babies into men & keeping us all together, alive, healthy, safe and sane.
Now the boys are grown. 1 has moved out and is engaged & making an 8 figure salary. The other 2 have plans to move out together as soon as it seems reasonable and have either completed college or are still in college … considering COVID being a dominant part of the world & the chaos in the big cities out west here… There’s no rush to leave home & I think that we alll have a pretty good case of COVID phobia mixed with cabin fever now. This too shall pass? There is much more to this story but I wanted to keep this fairly short lol…
The past 10 years Ive been progressively struggling with invisible chronic health issues & undiagnosed diseases (graves disease, pereformis syndroms, possible Elers Danlos & rhumetoide arthritis & now… high cholesterol & stomach issues still being diagnosed and menopause.
This year has been a challenge both health wise & relationship wise as well as politics & covid. One thing that’s been on a personal for front is how I was raised to be seen & not heard & how it’s still played out in my life to this day… The effect it’s had on my self esteem, relationships, jobs… And somehow … It’s all REALLY triggered RIGHT NOW … And it’s causing difficulties especially in my marriage.
I feel great loads of shame & guilt & feel very alone at times… Really struggling to overcome all of this but the key word is struggling. I am in both therapy and just started couples therapy. I have read your book and listen to your podcast quite often. I appreciate the peace you help me find. I have much work to do. Thank you for all of the love you send out and all the teachings you share. You are helping me grow! Silence plagues my heart and my world. Lack of self love, faith, and care has caught up with me. I am learning ways of self southing and self care but have so far to go and feel so very broken. I have tried to hide it from everyone everywhere … As a local public figure it was almost natural to put on an act… But am finding it something I no longer wish to do. I no longer with to people please or even interact with most people at this point. I have become extremely hermitized and phobic… I’m affraid this virus will be the wedge that finally comes between us… I need to figure out how to be okay either way… My neediness and codependence is an issue. So is his but he isn’t self diagnosed not does he admit to his side in this at all. Anyway
… Thank you for what you do!
Whatever one feels, whether pleasant or unpleasant or neither painful nor pleasant, one abides contemplating impermanence in those feelings, contemplating letting go, contemplating relinquishment.
Contemplating thus, one does not cling to anything in this world.
If one does not cling, one is not agitated.
If one is not agitated, one personally attains Nibbana.
The Buddha
I don’t hide what I don’t like about myself from my husband of twenty years,
we have a strong enough foundation to share our vulnerabilities in a safe space.
Thank you Tara for your video.
Because of wanting to hide our vulnerabilities we start to have less and less to say to each other. And then that habit, of not talking, becomes the norm. And from there we’re off to the races, each of us with the stories in our own heads and the increasing sense of blame and resentment for the other.
To hide personal characteristic is a problem with two faces: in one to deny make hard to change for better, in the other, who don’t accept, don’t approve themselves, can’t love themselves, and can’t love anothers.
Thank you so much . I have benefitted much and directed others to your mediations and help
I am so looking forward to the next video
Thanks again
Elaine
Lack of self-acceptance and lack of willingness to be vulnerable enough to share one’s authentic self definitely creates a wall in any intimate relationship. The energy that should be flowing freely is blocked by the effort required to stay guarded. It is difficult to change a lifetime’s thought process, but worth the effort. We keep on practicing!
Dear Tara, I have spent years trying to get in touch with my feelings and have had difficulty understanding how to love myself. I still don’t understand HOW to build intimacy and be more vulnerable. I am task oriented and it’s hard to stay aware of my feelings and share them!
I continue to listen and try to learn but for some reason … nothing sticks.
Dear Tara ~
Words escape to fully express my deep gratitude to you for what you have brought to my life through your gentle guidance and teaching ~ thank you ?. I am slightly terrified to be commenting here as three years ago, after twenty six years, I was enlightened that my husband had been and is continuously abusing me with his gaslighting narcissistic personality. After two previously failed relationships, I was determined to make this ‘love’ work and committed myself no matter what, even though I never felt completely comfortable. Upon realizing what I am living with, I knew I needed to fully begin an inner healing in an attempt to be free. His emotional commitment verbally is that I am the nicest person he knows. Kindness and compassion to others has been core belief for me. I began to lose every self worth, value or belief in my core and realized how my niceness was being fully taken advantage of. I was crushed and confused. Your radical self-compassion has made such a difference for me. I am still in the relationship ~ sometimes strong, sometimes scared to move forward. Scared to fail?
So, I suppose I don’t like being such a nice person? It is hard as I believe in the good in people ~ giving them goodness as we all deserve. We all have a beat and it is beautiful.
Sigh.
Working on trusting the gold and when I do I feel the loveliest glimmer …
?
trust and communication is a must however the individual has travelled to far along the spectrum to recognised that they have slipped over the pebbles in trust and communication self worth.
I carefully curate the time I spend with my partner…making sure I’m in a “good mood”, fixing my physical appearance, etc. This can be exhausting and leads me to only want to spend small amounts of time with him. I tell myself it’s all I want but I think I would want more if I didn’t force myself to perform in these ways, to hide so much.
When I’m not at peace with my own flaws, I am defensive and hidden. I have spent a lot of time trying to let go of my need for perceived perfection. I thought it was how to win other’s approval. But I’ve realized, it’s our vulnerabilities that connect us. I don’t have to be perfect, I’m just going to keep showing up. Life is messy and when I’m willing to embrace my own mess, I can sit in the mess with my loved ones too, without judgement. Life is going to be hard, and messy and it’s not our fault. Your “Yes” practice is something I do all the time and it brings a lot of peace, just saying yes to what is, and accepting it. Then I can put my energy into the- what can I do now? Rather than resisting and fighting everything. Therapy has been such a blessing in my life and taking care of me and learning to love myself is a big priority now. I will always have to work on it, but I feel more at peace with me, and my relationships have blossomed. I was missing a lot of connection before. I didn’t want anyone to see how flawed I was and how much of a struggle it was. Now I want to show people the struggle. I want them to know they are not alone in struggling. We are all in it together.
One can never feel loved if one does not present one’s deepest self and discover that one is lovable. We are all flawed, but even that is not the right phrase. We are beautifully holistically ourselves with what we experience as gifts and curses. Those gifts and curses are almost always mirroring reflections. Our injuries are our vulnerabilities, are our love and source of compassion. It also levels the relationship so there is more equality. I say this as a “we” or a “one,” but I certainly have had this experience. Where I hide or just don’t share, it’s harder for me to forgive myself or the other, or feel the welling up of love. Where I show my body of clay, and am loved, I feel embraced and seen. I also can show up better and offer more holistic support and love. Speaking more deeply, I want to be helpful and be seen as helpful. When that is at odds or in jeopardy, I cannot always hear what isn’t working in the situation, or really hear much at all. I feel unvalued in those moments, by myself and others.
The individual who feels they must hide aspects of themselves is prone to projecting that disowned (hated) part onto their partner-making them behave in ways that damages the partner’s self esteem, pushes the partner away and destroys the possibility of connection.
The relationships can never truly be intimate or honest, because there is a wall or a part of themselves that they are unable to share. For their partner, who feels disconnected, this can result in attachment based reactions that cause disconnection or conflict.
I’ve come to realize that when I don’t feel safe in an everyday situation when the people (family for the most part) I’m with are not talking for whatever reason, I think it’s because I’ve done or said something wrong. I end up pushing them further away because they sense my insecurity by what I say and/or act. I’m hoping you can address my problem. I do believe that it comes from my childhood. My parents would not talk when they were angry and that happened a lot. I guess in my mind as a child I thought it was my fault.
It affected my previous intimate relationship quite a bit. I wasn’t myself when we met or while we lived together. I was afraid to show him who I really was, afraid of my voice and not happy with myself. That impacted our relationship because I expected so much from him and he hardly even knew me. No relationship can last if you’re not happy with who you are first. That is a hard lesson I’ve learned and I’m working on growing that radical acceptance of because my vulnerabilities are what make me lovable and I didn’t see that before. Learning this lesson made me lose someone I really loved.
Hiding things about ourself limits our ability to be vulnerable, open, and genuine with others. In turn, we are unable to bring our most authentic, raw, and humanistic self to interactions and relationships as we blinded and halted by the “not good enough” critic in our own heads.
Actually, it’s my anger, discontent and huge feelings of lack. Also, because of Covid my partner has very little work, I’m retired and we spend WAY to much time together in a small space. I hate myself when I blow a gasket.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, your teachings!
When we are hiding our “unloveable” sides, we stay disconected and the feeling of being unworthy to be loved increases…..circeling down in these thoughts and depression is welcoming us….
I have learnt, Not to expect to be Liked by people. Ir is ingrained – i live that. Don’t hide it i live forestalling disappointment of others- i am alone 26 years NOW
When I feel unworthy, I have forgotten how to feel the goodness I’ve already received and accepted about myself and others. I may even believe the unworthiness is protecting me from unworthy potentials—as if this blinding blanket of gloom can hold me safely. The truth must be that a part of me believes it has found peace when evading pain. Thankfully, a growing part of me knows this evasion is counterproductive and I can face hardships with courage when self-compassionate.
I’m hiding my fear of proximity. It is a big struggle in my life. ‘Cause actually proximity and somebody to trust is a what I’m craving for. But it doesn’t fit together. So it starts to make of to avoid relationship.
Working on a childhood trauma and hope the outcome will be me having a healthy and happily relationship.
I’m also recovering from an addiction. Meditation and mindfulness are great tools to stand my life and I’m confident one day everything will be fine ?
When I hide what I don´t like about myself, I am not vulnerable and so I remain closed off from people. The lack of vulnerability in my relationships has made them superficial and only temporal relationships. It has affected me by making me feel more disconnected with the world I avoid mentioning my boundaries, I avoid expressing myself with vulnerability and I avoid getting the meaningful, close and connected relationship I really want. I am grateful that I have found a wonderful personal development school and so I am starting to work on this. Of course for a few years now I love to listen to Tara Brach´s spiritual talks on youtube which I put close to my ear every time I get anxious in life because her tranquil voice calms me down.
It is a state of denial which is not useful. Waste of space time and energy for client as well as practitioner
Fear of doing something wrong and something bad will happen if I do not act correctly. Listening to what is going on inside me, regularly and vocalise these feelings is what I am trying to do. Often I forget and then simply ‘all is bad’….
Thank you Tara, I feel that what you say and write helps me.
I am recently divorced because of it I think and hope to carry on. Feelings of shame grief and failure overwhelm me.
It affects me being truly honest with my feelings and it also makes it difficult to see if the other person would understand.
They are not being true to themselves and are hiding behind a front. This will eventually come to the public person in an unworthy characteristic and this person will not be happy about this
Hi Tara, so grateful for yet another brilliant video!
It filters my behaviour in an insidious way. I become self-absorbed instead of open & in the present; I am not actively listening to the other person. I am tensed & consummed with strategies to get over the communication problem. Increasingly stronger barriers build up between me & the other person I want to be close to. We drown instead of surfing in connectedness …
When one hides something he/she doesn’t like about himself/herself, it may work unconsciously and constantly in the mind, causing negative impacts on relationships. The matter may become an unresolved issue that disallows a peace of mind for the individual.
Thank you for this video. I’m just working on a workshop about knowing ourselves better and most of the people attending it asked about having tools to open up to others without the fear of being judge. They told me that they wanted to learn how to relate to others in a more real and authentic way.
So thank you so much, you offer me so many information and to share with them and help them in their journey !
I don’t want people to know how stupid I really am.
Thanks for the reminder
This resonates so much in the clients I work with… helping them towards understanding and compassion towards self… always leads to them being more open and loving towards others … thank you for sharing this, I look forward to more!
I have no real connections as myself – i am always performing
Thank you for your wonderful reflections –
I have strong values of my own. Have lived by myself for many years, started my own company, but I still have that inner feeling of not being good enough, that I feel wants to put me down. I know, how it came there, people throughout my life telling me, what they thought that I could not say or do.
When I was in my 40’ies, I broke out of my marriage and the norms of my family. I had a strong inner belief, that I could ‘make it’ – It wasn’t what I thought, I’d do, but I’ve made a career as a jeweller and specialised I’m responsible sourcing.
The hardest part is to let go of motherhood.
I live by myself, because I vowed that I wouldn’t live with a partner again, until I knew myself. I think, that most people recognise me for who I am these day, but do I recognise myself? There’s an inner fight of letting go of my need to control and on the other hand I believe in synchro-destiny.
I have to let go!
Thank you for your inspiration ??
Anna
I think my biggest fear is to let things slip out of my hands. I am dreaming of not finding the right place, not being in time or having to much stuff to carry to get into a narrow place since years (whenever I am stressed). As a consequence, I am anticipating all soorts of what might happens, anticipating on them and planning. I really feel guilty if somebody misses something due to me not keeping up with things. I ask everybody 5 times whether they packed everything for school, tell them to be careful with the bike, it almost feels like an obligation, like magic, what ever you anticipate will never happen. I’m getting really good in predicting catastrophies (probably I should write a book with a very unusual plot). On the other hand, the small accidents like letting a paper tissue slip into the black clothes wash almost never happens to me. And I don’t understand why it happens to other people. So probably my relationship with other is that I am nagging all the time remembering about what might happen and reacting rather annoyed, when accidents happen. However, when things are spontanously turning out to be plesant and relaxed, I am not able to enjoy it either.
Last time I was cycling on a huge lane with many other cyclists, when I realized that somebody after mee was constantly talking, it felt like she was giving angry comentary on whatever I did. ‘You need to stop in front of the pedestrian crossing, this car from right does not have to stop,.. ‘ I was really shocked (eventually I was to astonished to be angry, I guess): Am I really like that? Believe me, I dearly promissed to pay more attention to what I was saying.
Well, later that day I realised that it was a kind of ‘behaving-save-in the traffic- day of the local schools, so probably she was just very nervous about that and anticipated on the children to early 😉 .
There is a fear of being caught out and found out so they are very quick to slip into a combat approach to protect from the fear . Blame and anger so much easier to handout than accept the belief about self which actually may only be a story that is strongly thought to be real, this is so difficult to peel away that it ( the belief ) in fact is not true.
hiding my contempt for moody controlling men keeps me distant/aloof thinking this will keep me safe but unable to connect.
I am nearly eighty years old and I present a picture of always being cheerful and competent. I hide the fact that inside I am lonely and craving the kind of connection where I can be vulnerable and truly honest about how I experience life in these uncertain times. My apparent self-sufficiency reassures my children and good friends that I don’t need a space and a connection that will give me non-judgemental acceptance.
Thank you Tara and NICABM. In this brief video you offered some to the point insightful questions to explore with clients, and even myself.
I feel normally disappointed by my partner. First I am disappointed with myself, then something will happen when I feel very disappointed about him
It makes it harder to maintain close relationships.
I met my husband 28 years ago … love at first sight. We spent 24 hours in a bliss bubble like the heavens opened & blessed us. I spilt out my history in those 24 hours like I’d never spoke to anyone… All of the abuse, loss, abandonment & sexual abuse was on the table. Then… I drove home… Not sure when or if I’d ever see him again. Within 48 hours my phone rang. He had tracked me down through friends of friends.., Asked if I wanted to see him again. I was ecstatic to hear from him & Imediately jumped through the phone saying yes with every fiber of me. He was at my door within 15 hours & we’ve been together ever since. That was 3 grown sons ago. Life’s changed a great deal in those 28 years. But within weeks of starting our romance … I found myself people.pleasing and holding myself back… Feeling inadequate & needy & dependent on him for safety (traveling on the road) and love. He has always been very independent and string willed and really has no need to please others… Quite happy in himself. Something I them admired but over the years have learned that I sorta resent it sometimes.
Were no longer free roaming young psychedelic fiends who follow a gypsy lifestyle worshiping the grateful dead Lol. We’ve lived many jobs & places in those years & have worked hard at raising 3 babies into men & keeping us all together, alive, healthy, safe and sane.
Now the boys are grown. 1 has moved out and is engaged & making an 8 figure salary. The other 2 have plans to move out together as soon as it seems reasonable and have either completed college or are still in college … considering COVID being a dominant part of the world & the chaos in the big cities out west here… There’s no rush to leave home & I think that we alll have a pretty good case of COVID phobia mixed with cabin fever now. This too shall pass? There is much more to this story but I wanted to keep this fairly short lol…
The past 10 years Ive been progressively struggling with invisible chronic health issues & undiagnosed diseases (graves disease, pereformis syndroms, possible Elers Danlos & rhumetoide arthritis & now… high cholesterol & stomach issues still being diagnosed and menopause.
This year has been a challenge both health wise & relationship wise as well as politics & covid. One thing that’s been on a personal for front is how I was raised to be seen & not heard & how it’s still played out in my life to this day… The effect it’s had on my self esteem, relationships, jobs… And somehow … It’s all REALLY triggered RIGHT NOW … And it’s causing difficulties especially in my marriage.
I feel great loads of shame & guilt & feel very alone at times… Really struggling to overcome all of this but the key word is struggling. I am in both therapy and just started couples therapy. I have read your book and listen to your podcast quite often. I appreciate the peace you help me find. I have much work to do. Thank you for all of the love you send out and all the teachings you share. You are helping me grow! Silence plagues my heart and my world. Lack of self love, faith, and care has caught up with me. I am learning ways of self southing and self care but have so far to go and feel so very broken. I have tried to hide it from everyone everywhere … As a local public figure it was almost natural to put on an act… But am finding it something I no longer wish to do. I no longer with to people please or even interact with most people at this point. I have become extremely hermitized and phobic… I’m affraid this virus will be the wedge that finally comes between us… I need to figure out how to be okay either way… My neediness and codependence is an issue. So is his but he isn’t self diagnosed not does he admit to his side in this at all. Anyway
… Thank you for what you do!
Whatever one feels, whether pleasant or unpleasant or neither painful nor pleasant, one abides contemplating impermanence in those feelings, contemplating letting go, contemplating relinquishment.
Contemplating thus, one does not cling to anything in this world.
If one does not cling, one is not agitated.
If one is not agitated, one personally attains Nibbana.
The Buddha
I don’t hide what I don’t like about myself from my husband of twenty years,
we have a strong enough foundation to share our vulnerabilities in a safe space.
Thank you Tara for your video.
I have to admit that I don’t know. I could talk theoretically, but I’m not so sure I know personally, specifically.
Because of wanting to hide our vulnerabilities we start to have less and less to say to each other. And then that habit, of not talking, becomes the norm. And from there we’re off to the races, each of us with the stories in our own heads and the increasing sense of blame and resentment for the other.
To hide personal characteristic is a problem with two faces: in one to deny make hard to change for better, in the other, who don’t accept, don’t approve themselves, can’t love themselves, and can’t love anothers.
Thank you so much . I have benefitted much and directed others to your mediations and help
I am so looking forward to the next video
Thanks again
Elaine
It manifests into the dynamic of their
relationships. It’s the mirror of their
disowned self , which is reflected in
their partner.
Lack of self-acceptance and lack of willingness to be vulnerable enough to share one’s authentic self definitely creates a wall in any intimate relationship. The energy that should be flowing freely is blocked by the effort required to stay guarded. It is difficult to change a lifetime’s thought process, but worth the effort. We keep on practicing!
Dear Tara, I have spent years trying to get in touch with my feelings and have had difficulty understanding how to love myself. I still don’t understand HOW to build intimacy and be more vulnerable. I am task oriented and it’s hard to stay aware of my feelings and share them!
I continue to listen and try to learn but for some reason … nothing sticks.
Dear Tara ~
Words escape to fully express my deep gratitude to you for what you have brought to my life through your gentle guidance and teaching ~ thank you ?. I am slightly terrified to be commenting here as three years ago, after twenty six years, I was enlightened that my husband had been and is continuously abusing me with his gaslighting narcissistic personality. After two previously failed relationships, I was determined to make this ‘love’ work and committed myself no matter what, even though I never felt completely comfortable. Upon realizing what I am living with, I knew I needed to fully begin an inner healing in an attempt to be free. His emotional commitment verbally is that I am the nicest person he knows. Kindness and compassion to others has been core belief for me. I began to lose every self worth, value or belief in my core and realized how my niceness was being fully taken advantage of. I was crushed and confused. Your radical self-compassion has made such a difference for me. I am still in the relationship ~ sometimes strong, sometimes scared to move forward. Scared to fail?
So, I suppose I don’t like being such a nice person? It is hard as I believe in the good in people ~ giving them goodness as we all deserve. We all have a beat and it is beautiful.
Sigh.
Working on trusting the gold and when I do I feel the loveliest glimmer …
?
trust and communication is a must however the individual has travelled to far along the spectrum to recognised that they have slipped over the pebbles in trust and communication self worth.
It keeps them from being close and learning more about their partner.
When I am afraid of being hurt, I don’t speak (my) truth in fear to hurt my partner’s feelings, and slowly the wall gets erected.
I carefully curate the time I spend with my partner…making sure I’m in a “good mood”, fixing my physical appearance, etc. This can be exhausting and leads me to only want to spend small amounts of time with him. I tell myself it’s all I want but I think I would want more if I didn’t force myself to perform in these ways, to hide so much.
When I’m not at peace with my own flaws, I am defensive and hidden. I have spent a lot of time trying to let go of my need for perceived perfection. I thought it was how to win other’s approval. But I’ve realized, it’s our vulnerabilities that connect us. I don’t have to be perfect, I’m just going to keep showing up. Life is messy and when I’m willing to embrace my own mess, I can sit in the mess with my loved ones too, without judgement. Life is going to be hard, and messy and it’s not our fault. Your “Yes” practice is something I do all the time and it brings a lot of peace, just saying yes to what is, and accepting it. Then I can put my energy into the- what can I do now? Rather than resisting and fighting everything. Therapy has been such a blessing in my life and taking care of me and learning to love myself is a big priority now. I will always have to work on it, but I feel more at peace with me, and my relationships have blossomed. I was missing a lot of connection before. I didn’t want anyone to see how flawed I was and how much of a struggle it was. Now I want to show people the struggle. I want them to know they are not alone in struggling. We are all in it together.
One can never feel loved if one does not present one’s deepest self and discover that one is lovable. We are all flawed, but even that is not the right phrase. We are beautifully holistically ourselves with what we experience as gifts and curses. Those gifts and curses are almost always mirroring reflections. Our injuries are our vulnerabilities, are our love and source of compassion. It also levels the relationship so there is more equality. I say this as a “we” or a “one,” but I certainly have had this experience. Where I hide or just don’t share, it’s harder for me to forgive myself or the other, or feel the welling up of love. Where I show my body of clay, and am loved, I feel embraced and seen. I also can show up better and offer more holistic support and love. Speaking more deeply, I want to be helpful and be seen as helpful. When that is at odds or in jeopardy, I cannot always hear what isn’t working in the situation, or really hear much at all. I feel unvalued in those moments, by myself and others.
The individual who feels they must hide aspects of themselves is prone to projecting that disowned (hated) part onto their partner-making them behave in ways that damages the partner’s self esteem, pushes the partner away and destroys the possibility of connection.
The relationships can never truly be intimate or honest, because there is a wall or a part of themselves that they are unable to share. For their partner, who feels disconnected, this can result in attachment based reactions that cause disconnection or conflict.
I’ve come to realize that when I don’t feel safe in an everyday situation when the people (family for the most part) I’m with are not talking for whatever reason, I think it’s because I’ve done or said something wrong. I end up pushing them further away because they sense my insecurity by what I say and/or act. I’m hoping you can address my problem. I do believe that it comes from my childhood. My parents would not talk when they were angry and that happened a lot. I guess in my mind as a child I thought it was my fault.
Insecurity keeps me from making new contacts.
There is two of my, the sparkling bright personality, and the fearful hiding small personality.
Insecurity keeps me from making new contacts.
There is two of my, the sparkling bright personality, and the fearful hiding small personality.
It affected my previous intimate relationship quite a bit. I wasn’t myself when we met or while we lived together. I was afraid to show him who I really was, afraid of my voice and not happy with myself. That impacted our relationship because I expected so much from him and he hardly even knew me. No relationship can last if you’re not happy with who you are first. That is a hard lesson I’ve learned and I’m working on growing that radical acceptance of because my vulnerabilities are what make me lovable and I didn’t see that before. Learning this lesson made me lose someone I really loved.
Hiding things about ourself limits our ability to be vulnerable, open, and genuine with others. In turn, we are unable to bring our most authentic, raw, and humanistic self to interactions and relationships as we blinded and halted by the “not good enough” critic in our own heads.
Actually, it’s my anger, discontent and huge feelings of lack. Also, because of Covid my partner has very little work, I’m retired and we spend WAY to much time together in a small space. I hate myself when I blow a gasket.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, your teachings!
When we are hiding our “unloveable” sides, we stay disconected and the feeling of being unworthy to be loved increases…..circeling down in these thoughts and depression is welcoming us….
I have learnt, Not to expect to be Liked by people. Ir is ingrained – i live that. Don’t hide it i live forestalling disappointment of others- i am alone 26 years NOW
When I feel unworthy, I have forgotten how to feel the goodness I’ve already received and accepted about myself and others. I may even believe the unworthiness is protecting me from unworthy potentials—as if this blinding blanket of gloom can hold me safely. The truth must be that a part of me believes it has found peace when evading pain. Thankfully, a growing part of me knows this evasion is counterproductive and I can face hardships with courage when self-compassionate.
I’m hiding my fear of proximity. It is a big struggle in my life. ‘Cause actually proximity and somebody to trust is a what I’m craving for. But it doesn’t fit together. So it starts to make of to avoid relationship.
Working on a childhood trauma and hope the outcome will be me having a healthy and happily relationship.
I’m also recovering from an addiction. Meditation and mindfulness are great tools to stand my life and I’m confident one day everything will be fine ?