I spend valuable energy to block and mask my authentisity, and thus send myself the message that I am not fully accepted by myself. This creates mistrust and separation within me, which is then mirrored in the relationship. But relationships are all about connection, so when I experience separation I feel sad, insecure, unloved and almost inevitably angry.
Susan Kendall, Another Field, San Diego , CA, USAsays
I hide my thinking mind. That is I’ve always been intellectually curious. I am a questioner. I’ve learned to hide this in my family growing up because of my parents deep religious beliefs. Everything was already answered. I also feel ugly and unattractive. It took years to overcome. But I remain stuck at times in these old feelings. I am terribly lonely as a result. I also left my religious views behind too. What I’ve worked to replace it still leaves me without friendship I had a one time.
I feel that I coming out of long period of not acknowledging, honoring, or nurturing the very brilliant, creative, and talented parts of me. I’m Shari this with my long distance partner, but she is in such a different stage in her life that is finding my self-discovery threatening. She is dealing with a health crisis many years in the making. Actually I see it as the very best kind of crisis, as she finally has a solid diagnosis and treatment plan. I think she’s sees that, too, but has a lot of fear still.
Another part of me feels guilty for focusing on me and not helping her more, I’m turning 60 and time is running out for me. Moreover, I’ve had a lifetime of putting myself aside for others.
Amy Victoria McEwen, Another Field, MidLand Park , NJ, USAsays
Thank you Tara. I am struggling very much with the feeling of not belonging, having recently moved from Brooklyn to NJ – and I don’t drive. I moved to be closer to my sister, but that has not worked. Sometimes I cry so much – also moved away from the Buddhist Sangha to which I belonged. Am now struggling to make new friends. Have been successful with few, but still don’t feel adequate. Your words help a lot against the despair. I do follow you on Wednesdays – have for years. You have become one of my Pillars! Thank you so very much! Amy
When I hide what they don’t like about myself I feel more insecure, I feel more those feelings why I really hide, ’cause I don’t embrace the difficult feelings but trying to press them down and it takes quite a lot of energy, so I get tyred and worn out and get further from my beloved ones. 🙂
Thank you Tara!
When we hide something about ourselves we neet energy, time and “at least one hand” to do it. That make our relationships poor, they stuck and in the end it’s very complicated to take care of the relationship. When I act like this (hiding myself), I am in the end very disappointed about myself and it’s hard to change it.
Stephen Galleher, Clergy, North Bergen, NJ, USAsays
Absolutely essential teaching. I have been a Tara Brach fan for years. Her teaching, her nondual foundation, continually stimulates me, and I find her messages always clear, sharp and relevant.Self-love is essential for authentic love. I look forward to the rest of this series!
What you have pointed out could not be more true. Deflecting feelings of inadequacy about oneself onto others by scapegoating them is a common behavior too.
Yes building trust so that especially male’s can open up and share their feelings of inadequacy takes skill, knowledge and experience. Thank you for explaining root cause of angst.
This was very interesting information for me since I don’t tend to lash out, but I’m afraid when people do lash out. Gives me another way of looking at things. helps me to deal with my own fear. Thank you for another wonderful teaching, Tara.
Taj Guzzardo, Another Field, Rockford, IL, USAsays
I’m not a therapist, but what you say is the coreof suffering in a relationship. I have in my bathroom a little sign that says, “You’re enough”. I read it each day and think yeah I am enough. Great teaching Tara!
Thank you for pointing that out.
Very good question, no answer needed.
Just to be with that sensation, meaning, affect………
(SIBAM in Somatic experiencing)
This makes sense to me and reminds me of the bonds/attachments we formed as children. When we choose automatically attachment and the need to be loved for survival, we abandon our true selves in the process. We run the risk of losing a relationship if, as adults, we choose authenticity and vulnerability. Fear and the pain of loss will threaten the authenticity of our connection.
Trust. People know when there’s something missing. They sense that you cannot trust them enough to show the whole of you and it impacts the authenticity of the connection as well as their ability to let go and trust. People often like to feel able to support you in a relationship and if you are flawless/without needs…they can’t. It may also trigger feelings in inadequacy for them that someone presents as ‘perfect’. All in all it impoverishes the relationships and is a huge shame for everyone. I say this as someone who can be guilty of hiding myself…!
that’s exactly what the depressed mind tells us, that they wouldn’t want to know me. Following that thought and avoiding getting to know people well, helps our anxiety but perpetuates the problem. The alternative is to notice the thought, lean into the discomfort and try something different…
Tara, you always cut right to the point! And in thinking this over… now, remember, I’m 71, I’ve had a lot of time to come to accept my warts and weirdness, and I’ve worked at it (and had a few transcendental experiences that really convinced me I *am* enough, just the way I am). I rarely hide anything about myself anymore, except possibly to keep my mouth shut when I know something and I can see someone else is dying to show off the same knowledge. I’ve learned that vulnerability is powerful, and rarely do people reject you for it. What I find the biggest obstacle in relationships is that others refuse to offer me that gift of vulnerability and honesty. Not exactly an answer to your question, but it’s true. I don’t want to do small talk. I’ll talk freely about the things I don’t like about myself–my age-related slowing down, mental illness, selfishness, occasional greed, occasional jealousy, occasional resentment, sometimes feelings of inferiority because I do not have the financial resources my friends do–and this tends to floor people into unresponsiveness. I hope this is not too unhelpful!
The hiding of parts of myself that I’ve got knowledge that another person close to me doesn’t like… those parts are merely temporarily invisible. It creates distortions and complexities in relating that stir up the dissatisfaction even more… and those things become visible in other ways adding to my inadequacies.
I process the world slowly and cognitively and family and friends have become frustrated by my repeated questions to understand circumstances and people
When I was authentic with my sister about my feelings of being disrespected by my mother (events that she actually witnessed!), I was even *more* rejected by her and excluded from family events. That’s a hard one when the advice is to be “authentic” and “don’t be afraid—people won’t reject you.” Not true.
This is very true, unfurtunally and happend to me and my sister riscently excluded by our parents preffering their liyng son, our brother. It’s soo painfull.
People will find what they don’t like about themselves in others. And that makes them turn away from others even more. And this will have an effect on their relationships and the way they see themselves in relationships. So it’s a vicious circle.
It affects their relationship because they feel in secure and lack confidence within themselves. Sometimes they assume that others see them as they see themselves. It puts a barrier between them and the other person because they are always judging and second guessing themselves. It’s hard to feel like the other person could be trusted even if there is no evidence. It’s an internal struggle that needs to be addressed internally.
If I do t stay busy, doing for others and earning my place in this world, I won’t be loved. If I don’t stop the doing, then I do t have to face myself, open to vulnerability and look at my imperfections. How can anyone love me without perfectionism? How can anyone love me just as I am? How can I just love me simply for me? If I stop, I would have to open to find out the answers.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I’m basically giving a “go ahead” for my partner to do the same. The cost is it becomes a relationship where some things are acceptable while other unacceptable. If I’m not able to share with my closest person that which I don’t like about myself then the odds of actually letting it out of the closet with anyone are low. And stuff kept hidden and in the dark can become a ghost that haunt us.
When I hide, I can keep the illusion that I’m good enough for his love. I don’t need to face that there are some things about me he doesn’t like, he criticises, he wants me to change, he may yell at me for. That is so disturbing that I can’t face it. It feels too threatening. I’m not sure I can keep my self-esteem. I don’t trust there is more to love than to criticise. When I hide, we can pretend we love each other as we are. But I feel insecure, I stop trusting him, I loose myself, and I fear and resent him.
Tara has been such a pivotal part of my personal growth, and therfore the growth of my relationships.
This talk really resonates with me as I become more aware that when I am triggered by an action or words by my partner, it’s a sign that there is something I don’t like/haven’t accepted or acknowledged about myself which I’d being reflected to me. As hard as some of these moments can be, I try to honour it as an opportunity to look at myself and ask “what’s being shown to me?”, “where/what is the area I have the opportunity to explore and grow?”
It leaves a void that is hard to close and if unable to get help you carry it wherever you are! If successful you find a very caring person beside you!
It definitely does not enhance the relationships, I have found that it can manifest into unacceptable behaviour or over compensatory behaviours. Neither creating a healthy balanced relationship with a partner.
We live in Ontario Canada and are in need of a compassionate skilled therapist. Our needs are complex ( adult family and adult individual). Can you recommend someone please. We have had difficulty finding anyone near Toronto.
I think it’s difficult for anyone to say “what they don’t like about themselves”. Those words are already harsh and judgemental which causes us to feel worse about ourselves. I feel I’m always learning about myself and how to improve in some way. We are imperfect as humans and just sharing that reality with your partner can allow you to be more vulnerable.
Nothing is black and white in life, it’s all murky and we get by each day as well as we can.
Be well everyone.
I found all of these sessions interesting and helpful but had a difficult time trying to listen to Tara with the music sound track playing in the background. I really don’t think the music adds to the message–it just distracts.
Reflecting on the words from Tara made me realize the source of my own anger is a feeling of lack of vulnerability on my partners side, making me feel I am not worth to be vulnerable with. Raising a question to myself, to what extend am I co-depending on my partner’s ability to feel being enough, not feeling neglected.
I’m angry about reality vs expectations (social/personal/cultural) and feel like i have to hide that, as anger doesn’t seem like a good strategy. My need for me time which is more than my partners need and mostly absent from my life at the moment is not something I bring up remotely as often as I feel it.
I spend valuable energy to block and mask my authentisity, and thus send myself the message that I am not fully accepted by myself. This creates mistrust and separation within me, which is then mirrored in the relationship. But relationships are all about connection, so when I experience separation I feel sad, insecure, unloved and almost inevitably angry.
I hide my thinking mind. That is I’ve always been intellectually curious. I am a questioner. I’ve learned to hide this in my family growing up because of my parents deep religious beliefs. Everything was already answered. I also feel ugly and unattractive. It took years to overcome. But I remain stuck at times in these old feelings. I am terribly lonely as a result. I also left my religious views behind too. What I’ve worked to replace it still leaves me without friendship I had a one time.
It stops me having a close relatioship now
I feel that I coming out of long period of not acknowledging, honoring, or nurturing the very brilliant, creative, and talented parts of me. I’m Shari this with my long distance partner, but she is in such a different stage in her life that is finding my self-discovery threatening. She is dealing with a health crisis many years in the making. Actually I see it as the very best kind of crisis, as she finally has a solid diagnosis and treatment plan. I think she’s sees that, too, but has a lot of fear still.
Another part of me feels guilty for focusing on me and not helping her more, I’m turning 60 and time is running out for me. Moreover, I’ve had a lifetime of putting myself aside for others.
Thank you Tara. I am struggling very much with the feeling of not belonging, having recently moved from Brooklyn to NJ – and I don’t drive. I moved to be closer to my sister, but that has not worked. Sometimes I cry so much – also moved away from the Buddhist Sangha to which I belonged. Am now struggling to make new friends. Have been successful with few, but still don’t feel adequate. Your words help a lot against the despair. I do follow you on Wednesdays – have for years. You have become one of my Pillars! Thank you so very much! Amy
When I hide what they don’t like about myself I feel more insecure, I feel more those feelings why I really hide, ’cause I don’t embrace the difficult feelings but trying to press them down and it takes quite a lot of energy, so I get tyred and worn out and get further from my beloved ones. 🙂
Thank you Tara!
When we hide something about ourselves we neet energy, time and “at least one hand” to do it. That make our relationships poor, they stuck and in the end it’s very complicated to take care of the relationship. When I act like this (hiding myself), I am in the end very disappointed about myself and it’s hard to change it.
You never show who you really are and you are not being true to yourself.
Absolutely essential teaching. I have been a Tara Brach fan for years. Her teaching, her nondual foundation, continually stimulates me, and I find her messages always clear, sharp and relevant.Self-love is essential for authentic love. I look forward to the rest of this series!
What you have pointed out could not be more true. Deflecting feelings of inadequacy about oneself onto others by scapegoating them is a common behavior too.
Yes building trust so that especially male’s can open up and share their feelings of inadequacy takes skill, knowledge and experience. Thank you for explaining root cause of angst.
Wilma 🥰
This was very interesting information for me since I don’t tend to lash out, but I’m afraid when people do lash out. Gives me another way of looking at things. helps me to deal with my own fear. Thank you for another wonderful teaching, Tara.
I’m not a therapist, but what you say is the coreof suffering in a relationship. I have in my bathroom a little sign that says, “You’re enough”. I read it each day and think yeah I am enough. Great teaching Tara!
Thank you for pointing that out.
Very good question, no answer needed.
Just to be with that sensation, meaning, affect………
(SIBAM in Somatic experiencing)
This makes sense to me and reminds me of the bonds/attachments we formed as children. When we choose automatically attachment and the need to be loved for survival, we abandon our true selves in the process. We run the risk of losing a relationship if, as adults, we choose authenticity and vulnerability. Fear and the pain of loss will threaten the authenticity of our connection.
Trust. People know when there’s something missing. They sense that you cannot trust them enough to show the whole of you and it impacts the authenticity of the connection as well as their ability to let go and trust. People often like to feel able to support you in a relationship and if you are flawless/without needs…they can’t. It may also trigger feelings in inadequacy for them that someone presents as ‘perfect’. All in all it impoverishes the relationships and is a huge shame for everyone. I say this as someone who can be guilty of hiding myself…!
I think if people know me well, and that I can suffer from depression they wouldn’t want to know me.
that’s exactly what the depressed mind tells us, that they wouldn’t want to know me. Following that thought and avoiding getting to know people well, helps our anxiety but perpetuates the problem. The alternative is to notice the thought, lean into the discomfort and try something different…
Loss of intimacy and sincerity
Hiding our true selves creates tension, distance , disconnection from our selves and one another.
Prevents true intimacy, and you’ll never feel loved for who you really are since you don’t share who you really are.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Tara, you always cut right to the point! And in thinking this over… now, remember, I’m 71, I’ve had a lot of time to come to accept my warts and weirdness, and I’ve worked at it (and had a few transcendental experiences that really convinced me I *am* enough, just the way I am). I rarely hide anything about myself anymore, except possibly to keep my mouth shut when I know something and I can see someone else is dying to show off the same knowledge. I’ve learned that vulnerability is powerful, and rarely do people reject you for it. What I find the biggest obstacle in relationships is that others refuse to offer me that gift of vulnerability and honesty. Not exactly an answer to your question, but it’s true. I don’t want to do small talk. I’ll talk freely about the things I don’t like about myself–my age-related slowing down, mental illness, selfishness, occasional greed, occasional jealousy, occasional resentment, sometimes feelings of inferiority because I do not have the financial resources my friends do–and this tends to floor people into unresponsiveness. I hope this is not too unhelpful!
Helpful information, thank you.
Janice Smylie, CCHt.,
EFT Coach & Practitioner
Your not showing up totally
The hiding of parts of myself that I’ve got knowledge that another person close to me doesn’t like… those parts are merely temporarily invisible. It creates distortions and complexities in relating that stir up the dissatisfaction even more… and those things become visible in other ways adding to my inadequacies.
I want to be liked by everyone.
Lovely and well said! Fear and shame builds walls. Feel safe to feel vulnerable helps break them down.
Thank you Tara.
I process the world slowly and cognitively and family and friends have become frustrated by my repeated questions to understand circumstances and people
A risk, but I’m not taking this risk, we don’t allow someone to know more of us. We block a deeper connection/intimacy.
When I was authentic with my sister about my feelings of being disrespected by my mother (events that she actually witnessed!), I was even *more* rejected by her and excluded from family events. That’s a hard one when the advice is to be “authentic” and “don’t be afraid—people won’t reject you.” Not true.
True unfortunately because not everyone’s emotionally healthy enough to accept your truths.
This is very true, unfurtunally and happend to me and my sister riscently excluded by our parents preffering their liyng son, our brother. It’s soo painfull.
People will find what they don’t like about themselves in others. And that makes them turn away from others even more. And this will have an effect on their relationships and the way they see themselves in relationships. So it’s a vicious circle.
Thanks for this precious teaching Tara
Remarkable presentation. Welcome information. Very kind and inviting.
Thank you!
It affects their relationship because they feel in secure and lack confidence within themselves. Sometimes they assume that others see them as they see themselves. It puts a barrier between them and the other person because they are always judging and second guessing themselves. It’s hard to feel like the other person could be trusted even if there is no evidence. It’s an internal struggle that needs to be addressed internally.
I found these succinct videos very helpful, applicable to many kinds of situations.
So true, we have to get to the “root” or “core” of what we are honestly feeling.
If I’ll not ok then it
impacts on how I perceive eg as a threat
If I do t stay busy, doing for others and earning my place in this world, I won’t be loved. If I don’t stop the doing, then I do t have to face myself, open to vulnerability and look at my imperfections. How can anyone love me without perfectionism? How can anyone love me just as I am? How can I just love me simply for me? If I stop, I would have to open to find out the answers.
Excellent simple questions to pose to clients and self for reflection and discussion
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I’m basically giving a “go ahead” for my partner to do the same. The cost is it becomes a relationship where some things are acceptable while other unacceptable. If I’m not able to share with my closest person that which I don’t like about myself then the odds of actually letting it out of the closet with anyone are low. And stuff kept hidden and in the dark can become a ghost that haunt us.
Excellent video. You all are sharing such thought provoking material.
Tavis C
They do not trust their partner or they feel like they are a let down. This leads to being closed off and feeling lonely.
When I hide, I can keep the illusion that I’m good enough for his love. I don’t need to face that there are some things about me he doesn’t like, he criticises, he wants me to change, he may yell at me for. That is so disturbing that I can’t face it. It feels too threatening. I’m not sure I can keep my self-esteem. I don’t trust there is more to love than to criticise. When I hide, we can pretend we love each other as we are. But I feel insecure, I stop trusting him, I loose myself, and I fear and resent him.
All very true and helpful points Tara. Thank you for them🙏🙂
Tara has been such a pivotal part of my personal growth, and therfore the growth of my relationships.
This talk really resonates with me as I become more aware that when I am triggered by an action or words by my partner, it’s a sign that there is something I don’t like/haven’t accepted or acknowledged about myself which I’d being reflected to me. As hard as some of these moments can be, I try to honour it as an opportunity to look at myself and ask “what’s being shown to me?”, “where/what is the area I have the opportunity to explore and grow?”
Namaste Tara
They don’t know you. You keep withdrawn from them so can not help them either. You don’t trust them. Strange action behaviour really
It leaves a void that is hard to close and if unable to get help you carry it wherever you are! If successful you find a very caring person beside you!
It definitely does not enhance the relationships, I have found that it can manifest into unacceptable behaviour or over compensatory behaviours. Neither creating a healthy balanced relationship with a partner.
We live in Ontario Canada and are in need of a compassionate skilled therapist. Our needs are complex ( adult family and adult individual). Can you recommend someone please. We have had difficulty finding anyone near Toronto.
I think it’s difficult for anyone to say “what they don’t like about themselves”. Those words are already harsh and judgemental which causes us to feel worse about ourselves. I feel I’m always learning about myself and how to improve in some way. We are imperfect as humans and just sharing that reality with your partner can allow you to be more vulnerable.
Nothing is black and white in life, it’s all murky and we get by each day as well as we can.
Be well everyone.
I found all of these sessions interesting and helpful but had a difficult time trying to listen to Tara with the music sound track playing in the background. I really don’t think the music adds to the message–it just distracts.
Reflecting on the words from Tara made me realize the source of my own anger is a feeling of lack of vulnerability on my partners side, making me feel I am not worth to be vulnerable with. Raising a question to myself, to what extend am I co-depending on my partner’s ability to feel being enough, not feeling neglected.
I’m angry about reality vs expectations (social/personal/cultural) and feel like i have to hide that, as anger doesn’t seem like a good strategy. My need for me time which is more than my partners need and mostly absent from my life at the moment is not something I bring up remotely as often as I feel it.