it creates a distance between us and I also can’t really relax when I need to hide many things. It also takes energy to figure out what others might not like about me (but maybe the question was about what I don’t like).
Although recovered from Alcoholism for many years and continue rehabilitation. Do not feel forgiven from one child. Self forgiveness does not manifest.
i feel that over decades of marriage, with the same guy, i dont hide things that i dont like about myself. he knows me well.
in public i am trying to have more attention on my anger when it comes, to responce more than react. i dont like when i feel loosing it.
I feel so left out if I’m not invited to some events in neighborhood. Then feel like no one likes me. Maybe I am unlikable?
I don’t feel well about myself without others authentication
If a person hides parts of themselves that they don’t like it’s like they are wearing a mask and only selectively sharing the good parts of themselves. They aren’t living authentically.
I don’t feel authentic,I don t feel that the other person know me and how can you love if you don t know
I am scared of being rejected and to reject myself as well
I Get defensive and feel the other close to be things I am making drama for the sake of drama – and then I end up making drama because I feel so abandoned
I am obese and have just lost twenty pounds because of Compassion Focused Therapy and an Oncologist’s help. This is my first step towards addressing what I hate about myself. My body. I cannot help but feel others will judge me because of my weight. This cripples me in life. I have hid from others because of it. I use to eat cupcakes over the garbage can but now? Never. Only fruits and veggies and a protein diet. I try to limit my carbs too. I am very proud of the progress I have made. I hope to continue it. I may be too old to attract someone sexually now but I am not too old to love my own self.
Irene Clark, Counseling, Altamonte Springs, FL, USAsays
I don’t want people to know that much of what I am and do is for their approval. I genuinely listen, empathize and provide support mostly to get the sense that
I count.
Recently, my neighbor asked for help in walking his dog. This twice daily experience has made my confidence soar. I feel useful and the communication with this precious little animal has been life giving. I shared this with my neighbor in gratitude.
I am a retired psychotherapist and miss the joy of those working experiences. However, I realize that I now have LOTS of time to pursue a deeper delve into meditation and to acquire an appreciation of self apart from doing.
I hide fear and vulnerability because I don’t want to burden anyone, my spouse and close friends. I notice when I try to share vulnerability, some people just go silent, and I feel rejected, over and over. Then anger builds because I feel unloved, unchosen, unrecognized.
My relationships are not authentic. I feel as though there is no heart to heart communication. My conversations are at a very surface level and unsatisfactory. My relationship is very weak and gets rattled easily with any storms in my life.
It means people can’t understand who I really am and feel close to me
I feel chronic anxiety most days and have mental health problems and I guess I try to hide these things as much as I can from other people as I don’t want to be a burden to others and sometimes it’s hard to get close to others when I’m anxious and sometimes overwhelmed
i don’t deeply connect with people when i feel let down or not understood, neither do i open up and ask for help. Avoiding to deal with what’s troubling me makes me feel over-stressed and alone
In my experience, when a client hides what they don’t like about themselves in relationships, particularly intimate ones, it often becomes an unhealthy dependence that can be manipulative and controlling. The partner feeling inadequate seeks the other to “make them whole” or makes them responsible for their happiness. It’s a dynamic that breeds resentment and disconnection.
I hope someday to hear expanded examples that are not limited to the nuclear family. The core belief of inadequacy undermines feeling safe and accepted in so many relationships. Co-worker relationships, caregiving for elderly family members, being cared for by people who aren’t required to love you, dealing gracefully with in-laws, co-activist relationships. The list goes on. I know we all have to do our own work of taking the examples and seeing how they apply to our particular situation. However, I think using the nuclear family as the only examples makes it harder for people who are struggling in situations that are not defined as “intimate” to recognize that your message applies to everywhere our undermining core beliefs show up.
Really I’m just afraid that I’m unlikable because I find it hard to stick with anything. I find it difficult to go deep in the weeds because it’s painful. Whether it’s meditation, work, rowing, artistic endeavors..I seem to get distracted and stop. Enneagram Type 7 is a difficult path.
I am naturally critical. I was rewarded at work for seeing the problem and fixing it. Always seeing what’s” wrong “with people is an ingrained response and a habit. It keeps me at a distance and turns out that lack of intimacy is what I must be trying a achieve. And yet I don’t want to be separate. I don’t want to fly alone as an eagle. I want to flock together and stop and be there with people who are important to me. Thanks for helping me with this.
your intro really resonated and I related tp this video. you focused on being in a relationship and my special person passed away so what about when you notice all your relationshipz are acquIntances.
They are very uncomfortable, especially for the people with me. They want to connect or know me, but I hide. I have just felt that recently with my brother , who I love dearly but have really felt the fear of being unloved if he knows me. I know it’s daft.
an affect in a tragic way.
Less understanding, more isolation, less bonding and closeness, stubbornness, righteousness, ultimately the death of their love
they can’t learn to love you for who you are and your not able to love yourself cause you feel you need to hide parts of you. it also sets walls, fears, shame etc in the relationship. we need to love and be loved (all parts of us). if your not well in your skin then you can’t be well with others. it also prevents us from being an open book with someone we are in a relationship with and could actually harm us mentally, emotionally and physically hidding and keeping things bottled up.
I learnt to hide as a child and as a result I became a chronic people pleaser and overcompensated all the time. I feel like a fraud. This has knock on effects, I fear commitment with others because I can’t sustain the unrealistic expectations I have of myself, I find fault in others in order to keep a safe distance. I let people down because I burn out really quickly. I’m unable to set boundaries so others don’t know where they stand and get confused. It contributed to me getting sick, I became seriously ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which has been a blessing because it made me stop and start to look within.
A lack of self compassion and acceptance of themselves might turn into increasing judgement of others as a person searches for ego or confidence boost, though such a boost would be temporary. A vicious circle might ensue…highly damaging to self and relationships
It creates trust issues because the other person will wonder what is going on, in which they may create an assumption or become fearful therefore doubting their own abilities to be in the relationship.
It’s difficult to present ourselves in a vulnerable way in a relationship because they don’t want to appear weak or incompetent.
It makes me feel less authentic and that I’m betraying myself just to fit in with others or prevent conflict. I eventually end up getting angry at the person and feeling bad. I wonder why I can’t attract people that I can relate to better. I feel lonely.
I have no relationships. I’m disabled, lonely and isolated. I wish I could hide these things from myself.
How do I find someone who will sit with me, when I’m not able to get out of the house?
Dear Heart,
I can very much relate to what you shared. I have had a chronic pain pattern for 57 years of my life (I’m 67 now) and have been very isolated and unable to participate in life for a good chunk of those years. It has cost me having real intimacy in my life because of being too sick to engage in life much and living so isolated at home. I have recently started to break out of the pattern, and have more of a life; so I write to say there is hope. I see you. I know you. You are me and I am you. I used the exterior “wound’ of chronic pain to keep people from seeing my deep inner wounds of not feeling okay.
Sheriden E Thomas, Teacher, Somerville, MA, USAsays
I over share with what I perceive as my faults. So that others who see them know I’m aware. However, it has a tendency to leave me feeling one down with that person in that situation. I resent that I’m willing to cop to my sh*t, I get stuck on their not stepping up to doing the same. Feels like a they win I loose emotionally.
it creates a distance between us and I also can’t really relax when I need to hide many things. It also takes energy to figure out what others might not like about me (but maybe the question was about what I don’t like).
I become fuzzy brained, fall into people pleasing, become self abandoning, and withdraw into my mental hiding corner.
Although recovered from Alcoholism for many years and continue rehabilitation. Do not feel forgiven from one child. Self forgiveness does not manifest.
They also hide what you don’t like about them.
i feel that over decades of marriage, with the same guy, i dont hide things that i dont like about myself. he knows me well.
in public i am trying to have more attention on my anger when it comes, to responce more than react. i dont like when i feel loosing it.
I feel so left out if I’m not invited to some events in neighborhood. Then feel like no one likes me. Maybe I am unlikable?
I don’t feel well about myself without others authentication
I feel like interactions are only superficial with those I love most deeply.
I am confused about the word “they” in the question. I answered as if it meant “you”.
If a person hides parts of themselves that they don’t like it’s like they are wearing a mask and only selectively sharing the good parts of themselves. They aren’t living authentically.
Very helpful information.
I don’t feel authentic,I don t feel that the other person know me and how can you love if you don t know
I am scared of being rejected and to reject myself as well
I Get defensive and feel the other close to be things I am making drama for the sake of drama – and then I end up making drama because I feel so abandoned
I am obese and have just lost twenty pounds because of Compassion Focused Therapy and an Oncologist’s help. This is my first step towards addressing what I hate about myself. My body. I cannot help but feel others will judge me because of my weight. This cripples me in life. I have hid from others because of it. I use to eat cupcakes over the garbage can but now? Never. Only fruits and veggies and a protein diet. I try to limit my carbs too. I am very proud of the progress I have made. I hope to continue it. I may be too old to attract someone sexually now but I am not too old to love my own self.
It makes it impossible to form a true, deep and meaningful relationship as you are only ‘half’ there
I need to be seen and valued by others especially my family
I don’t want people to know that much of what I am and do is for their approval. I genuinely listen, empathize and provide support mostly to get the sense that
I count.
Recently, my neighbor asked for help in walking his dog. This twice daily experience has made my confidence soar. I feel useful and the communication with this precious little animal has been life giving. I shared this with my neighbor in gratitude.
I am a retired psychotherapist and miss the joy of those working experiences. However, I realize that I now have LOTS of time to pursue a deeper delve into meditation and to acquire an appreciation of self apart from doing.
You rob yourself of having true relationships.
I hide fear and vulnerability because I don’t want to burden anyone, my spouse and close friends. I notice when I try to share vulnerability, some people just go silent, and I feel rejected, over and over. Then anger builds because I feel unloved, unchosen, unrecognized.
My relationships are not authentic. I feel as though there is no heart to heart communication. My conversations are at a very surface level and unsatisfactory. My relationship is very weak and gets rattled easily with any storms in my life.
I know that Perfection is unachievable and that we all have flaws. Yet, like many others my my self-judgement often forgets this very thing.
Hidden depression – insecurities!
It means people can’t understand who I really am and feel close to me
I feel chronic anxiety most days and have mental health problems and I guess I try to hide these things as much as I can from other people as I don’t want to be a burden to others and sometimes it’s hard to get close to others when I’m anxious and sometimes overwhelmed
This is so true, whatever pain that we keep inside will become inflamed outside, especially emotional pain… Great video!
often inflexible so hard to adapt to others ideas or suggestions
i don’t deeply connect with people when i feel let down or not understood, neither do i open up and ask for help. Avoiding to deal with what’s troubling me makes me feel over-stressed and alone
In my experience, when a client hides what they don’t like about themselves in relationships, particularly intimate ones, it often becomes an unhealthy dependence that can be manipulative and controlling. The partner feeling inadequate seeks the other to “make them whole” or makes them responsible for their happiness. It’s a dynamic that breeds resentment and disconnection.
I hope someday to hear expanded examples that are not limited to the nuclear family. The core belief of inadequacy undermines feeling safe and accepted in so many relationships. Co-worker relationships, caregiving for elderly family members, being cared for by people who aren’t required to love you, dealing gracefully with in-laws, co-activist relationships. The list goes on. I know we all have to do our own work of taking the examples and seeing how they apply to our particular situation. However, I think using the nuclear family as the only examples makes it harder for people who are struggling in situations that are not defined as “intimate” to recognize that your message applies to everywhere our undermining core beliefs show up.
Thank you. I plan to watch on Friday night. I’m at a meditation retreat in NC spurred on by reading your book on Radical Acceptance.
Paul
keeps me separate and isolated and hurting and safe
Really I’m just afraid that I’m unlikable because I find it hard to stick with anything. I find it difficult to go deep in the weeds because it’s painful. Whether it’s meditation, work, rowing, artistic endeavors..I seem to get distracted and stop. Enneagram Type 7 is a difficult path.
Well said! of course 🙂 thank you. This simple clarity can be so helpful. I’m looking forward to the next episode.
Hard to be real and close. N d more time to think about this.
I am naturally critical. I was rewarded at work for seeing the problem and fixing it. Always seeing what’s” wrong “with people is an ingrained response and a habit. It keeps me at a distance and turns out that lack of intimacy is what I must be trying a achieve. And yet I don’t want to be separate. I don’t want to fly alone as an eagle. I want to flock together and stop and be there with people who are important to me. Thanks for helping me with this.
your intro really resonated and I related tp this video. you focused on being in a relationship and my special person passed away so what about when you notice all your relationshipz are acquIntances.
They are very uncomfortable, especially for the people with me. They want to connect or know me, but I hide. I have just felt that recently with my brother , who I love dearly but have really felt the fear of being unloved if he knows me. I know it’s daft.
an affect in a tragic way.
Less understanding, more isolation, less bonding and closeness, stubbornness, righteousness, ultimately the death of their love
they can’t learn to love you for who you are and your not able to love yourself cause you feel you need to hide parts of you. it also sets walls, fears, shame etc in the relationship. we need to love and be loved (all parts of us). if your not well in your skin then you can’t be well with others. it also prevents us from being an open book with someone we are in a relationship with and could actually harm us mentally, emotionally and physically hidding and keeping things bottled up.
It creates a sense of anxiety and more separation. Fear and self judgement
I learnt to hide as a child and as a result I became a chronic people pleaser and overcompensated all the time. I feel like a fraud. This has knock on effects, I fear commitment with others because I can’t sustain the unrealistic expectations I have of myself, I find fault in others in order to keep a safe distance. I let people down because I burn out really quickly. I’m unable to set boundaries so others don’t know where they stand and get confused. It contributed to me getting sick, I became seriously ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which has been a blessing because it made me stop and start to look within.
badly, inauthentic
A lack of self compassion and acceptance of themselves might turn into increasing judgement of others as a person searches for ego or confidence boost, though such a boost would be temporary. A vicious circle might ensue…highly damaging to self and relationships
It creates trust issues because the other person will wonder what is going on, in which they may create an assumption or become fearful therefore doubting their own abilities to be in the relationship.
It’s difficult to present ourselves in a vulnerable way in a relationship because they don’t want to appear weak or incompetent.
I am afraid of not being able to do what I set as goals for myself. I feel under-competent and thus afraid for my future.
It makes me feel less authentic and that I’m betraying myself just to fit in with others or prevent conflict. I eventually end up getting angry at the person and feeling bad. I wonder why I can’t attract people that I can relate to better. I feel lonely.
If I cannot share my deepest fears, or my anger, it is very hard to share my love and my joy.
it creates distance in the first place.
doesn’t allow for a deeper connection. stays on the surface and other person also resists to dive deeper
Superb information
It creates distance and impairs authenticity
I have no relationships. I’m disabled, lonely and isolated. I wish I could hide these things from myself.
How do I find someone who will sit with me, when I’m not able to get out of the house?
Dear Heart,
I can very much relate to what you shared. I have had a chronic pain pattern for 57 years of my life (I’m 67 now) and have been very isolated and unable to participate in life for a good chunk of those years. It has cost me having real intimacy in my life because of being too sick to engage in life much and living so isolated at home. I have recently started to break out of the pattern, and have more of a life; so I write to say there is hope. I see you. I know you. You are me and I am you. I used the exterior “wound’ of chronic pain to keep people from seeing my deep inner wounds of not feeling okay.
I over share with what I perceive as my faults. So that others who see them know I’m aware. However, it has a tendency to leave me feeling one down with that person in that situation. I resent that I’m willing to cop to my sh*t, I get stuck on their not stepping up to doing the same. Feels like a they win I loose emotionally.
It makes me only interact with people on the surface. I don’t ask for help when I need it. I feel alone.