my husband, deceased since 2006, used to make reference to my f-ing tensions. (excuse his french, he was french.) At this present moment I don’t know if they’re really mine, or his or learned from my dramatic /electric father. when I don’t speak up, I wind up exploding anyway. unpleasant for all. exhausting for me. living in another language is rough on communication.
It puts a wall up between me and everyone I encounter, which results in fear and loneliness. Naturally this exacerbates the original issues of what I don’t like about myself.
I find this sentence confusing. I can only assume that this is the contemporary use of they for she or he but does this apply only to intimate relationships or relationships (friends, colleagues, etc.) more generally. I find that I become less likely to share what I’m feeling, my anxieties, my fears, and retreat to a state perhaps described as ‘unfeeling.’ I think the cliche is to shut down. If I retreat then I become resentful of my partner’s focus on her feelings. This in turn means my feelings about myself and they block other positive feelings. It seems to be a trap.
mark fellows, Social Work, South Saint Paul, MN, USAsays
criticism and contempt ended my marriage. My ex turned so mean that we couldn’t have a conversation without her ending up shouting at me. It was awful.
I become a people chaser to get pleased. “Please affirm me! Because I can’t affirm myself!” It is exhausting….and looking outside myself than within. I am too old for this…so I am grateful to just love and accept, even if I have to close my eyes and hold my nose. Lol. Xoxo thank you thank you thank you.
I avoid people, mostly other parents because I feel like I’m not a good enough parent even when I think I’ve tried. Seems to me that other parents have it all figured out with their teenage kids. I don’t want to show that I may be insecure.
I’d like to hear more about your talks Tara. You have kept me going for several years now. Thanks
My step-children have really given me a run for my money. I resent them for that and feel angry all the time. I hate that my life is all about trying to hide the anger because my partner doesn’t like it when I’m angry. I’m no fun to be around and it has affected our daily lives for over a decade, now.
for me, the energy around holding or withholding, the tension of inauthenticity, the shielding of real – being out of square with reality as in a fear of expressing actual wants, needs, desires, anxiety, grief, weakness or vulnerability – creates a static-y, frightened, fearful contagion that, if i perceive this correctly, others (beloved, friends, family, clients, animals, nature) feel and react in a contagion, from a place or state of suffering or a transmitted fear…
a potential auguring in, a deepening spiral into delusive and quite sadly seductive self harming or victimization that, for better and often worse if unawareness veils all this, just creates more suffering, radially… clouding love-ability…
When you hide what they don’t like or you don’t like about yourself?
I’m assuming you mean what you don’t like about yourself.
Like the doctor, I feel that if people truly knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I think that many people, especially men, prefer to keep relationships on a superficial level because heart to heart discussions make them uncomfortable. It’s how we were raised. My own parents always kept me at an emotional arms length and sadly I never truly got to know them.
Sadie DeSimone, Another Field, Billerica, MA, USAsays
The question is confusing.
When I hide what I THINK EVERYONE will not like about the real me, I am not being authentic. It took a lot of therapy for me to reveal my dirt-poor childhood to my co-workers and even to my future husband. In some cases, that turned out to be the case, but once I was able to be up front with everyone, regardless of their reaction, I was more at peace and learned to love myself.
Thank you.🙏🙏
It creates a sense of inauthenticity in myself, and can feel like I am an imposter. It is exhausting, trying to always put that more acceptable version of me out there, while judging myself on the inside for being so afraid and ashamed of the ‘real’ me.
I don’t like my aging body, bent back, stiff joints, sensitive digestion!
And, my poor memory (probably now getting worse….but I do have more company!), low intelligence (failed an important exam when I was 10 years old, and it still lingers!), fear of criticism (hence anxiety to conform, be good enough!).
I feel your pain, because I suffer from experiencing the same thinking and feelings. However, my spiritual practice (Buddhism) has been helpful in reducing stress.
I keep the faith that things will fall into place soon.
Hiding my fear of intimacy causes me to withdraw, find fault in my wife, argue over words rather than feelings and the message behind the words. By withdrawing I am only further distancing myself from the need and desire for intimacy from my wife and my underlying need for intimate connection. I am actively working w my wife to change this dynamic.
Excellent! I see the “feeling not good enough belief” a lot in my practice. Not only does it ondermine the relationship with self but also with others. It triggers shame and that triggers pleasing behavior, anger, frustration or trying to be perfect. The answer is inside. What a great video. Thanks. I feel inspired.
I don’t even think I’m hiding it all that well. I am extremely moody and can be intolerant of situations I find overwhelming. at the moment this is moving from one home to a much smaller one but it could just as easily be that I’ve had two little rest and too much stimulation throughout the day. My husband is very nonreactive and allows space for all of my feelings but I feel such intense contempt toward myself when I feel myself acting out and I just can’t stand myself.
I become withdrawn and eventually stop attending certain events-regular ones I have been involved in for years. Because I feel shame that others don’t like me or approve of me and also “paranoid” where before I felt confident and “brave” enough to stand equally next to them in a group conversation. It took me many adult years of “working” at being the best i could be to feel better about myself (so I thought people would like me) and now it feels like its all been torn down due to changes, aging, pandemic, retirement and as much as some others out there will say nay to this one—being female. (now in an older age bracket). My professions are not even listed below! Fear and vulnerability(someone else mentioned that) are doing me in!
It keeps people on edge around those they love. They feel that they have to work hard to only present the sides of themselves they find acceptable. It also robs their relationships of trust, ease and vitality; working hard to seem perfect all the time creates a climate in which others don’t feel they can be fully themselves either. As a result, self-critical clients build the kinds of relationships in which nobody is allowed to be fully themselves (i.e. experience and express their moment-to-moment state of mind).
Confronting question to face.
I have isolated myself through feelings of inadequacy and career failure. I have hidden and shamed myself on bad career choices through desperation.
I have become self conscious and suffered depression and my biggest secret is loneliness and people finding out that I have no friends left. I am recovering from a recent separation and have been left with sole care of 3 children. Who would want me? Poor and 3 children?
Your talk was relatable and I am keen to find away to accept and forgive myself in order to reclaim my life.
They hide what they don’t like about themselves in a way that becomes strong criticism about what the others do or how they phantasize the others do, which is only a mirror to their own dissatisfaction about themselves
I think I am socially deficient! I am very apprehensive around people (especially the people that I love) and I am crying inside. My relationships are not what they could be. I am good at hiding and still be crying inside.
there is a separation that hardens into a wall you erect to contain your real self. it’s easier than the fall out drama, real or imagined. it’s keeping people at a polite distance, like you would a neighbor, to keep the peace. I’m primarily speaking family, the people you should be able to be yourself around, it’s very isolating
It becomes a road block. Then there is just surface interaction. And that can be had with strangers. For a successful relationship both need to be vulnerable which for some feels next to impossible.
When people like us, and we are hiding behind our mask, we know that they don’t love us, they only like the mask ! So we can only feel unloved. I’ve found that when I let people know the real vulnerable me with the ‘warts’, too, and they still love me … and they DO, because we all love authenticity …then I know they love me, and not a phony mask.
And maybe they won’t or cannot love the real warty me. That’s ok, too .. we are all on our own journey, and I send loving acceptance to them on their journey towards total love. That’s my journey, too, towards total love as a state of consciousness.✨🌟✨🎉✨🌟✨
Elaine Noonan, Stress Management, Frankfort , IL, USAsays
That was an amazing description of the foundation about where self insecurity plays a critical role in relationship building . I’m looking at myself and how I need to work on this as my life phases continually change. I need to check in with myself daily to monitor my self love, mindfulness, compassion and empathy toward myself and others who I love and respect without being judgmental . Listening with an open mind and heart will start each day .
Kristen Harper, Teacher, Colorado Springs, CO, USAsays
I feel like a fraud. This only perpetuates more inauthenticity. Then I feel on edge because I placed myself in a position that to reveal my vulnerabilities would seem too dangerous for me. For me it’s about attachment and fearing abandonment. I have learned through conditioning that I have to please others so I don’t lose them. This is not the truth and I’m not sure how to reverse this habitual behavior.
I am afraid of being judged and found to have failed , to have got my life wrong. In my thoughts i find myself being judgemental of my partner. Even though i rarely say these thoughts they get in the way of a deep trust in my relationship . Again and again i am humbled by his support, somewhere buried i don’t feel worthy of it . So your talk brought up judgement and shame . Tough. Thank you .
Thank you for sharing these ideas. It resonates with me that when I hide, feel shameful of my “faults”, and be critical of my areas of need, it creates an in authentic life.
It hinders the growth of the relationships. If I do not open up, neither will my
friends open up. And, the secrecy freezes the growth of relationships
It doesn’t seem to change a thing.
I am consumed with self-doubt and depression. I find it painful to communicate where I am with my partner.
I hold back in relations with other people ; I don’t have many deep connections. .
my husband, deceased since 2006, used to make reference to my f-ing tensions. (excuse his french, he was french.) At this present moment I don’t know if they’re really mine, or his or learned from my dramatic /electric father. when I don’t speak up, I wind up exploding anyway. unpleasant for all. exhausting for me. living in another language is rough on communication.
It puts a wall up between me and everyone I encounter, which results in fear and loneliness. Naturally this exacerbates the original issues of what I don’t like about myself.
I find this sentence confusing. I can only assume that this is the contemporary use of they for she or he but does this apply only to intimate relationships or relationships (friends, colleagues, etc.) more generally. I find that I become less likely to share what I’m feeling, my anxieties, my fears, and retreat to a state perhaps described as ‘unfeeling.’ I think the cliche is to shut down. If I retreat then I become resentful of my partner’s focus on her feelings. This in turn means my feelings about myself and they block other positive feelings. It seems to be a trap.
Fabulous video. Thanks for sharing.
gETS IN THE WAY OF CLOSENESS AND ALSO GETS PROJECTED OUT. wITHHOLDING FEELINGS CREATES TOUGHNESS AS OPPOSED TO OPEN HEARTED SOFTNESS.
You are being deceptive and it will effect the trust within the relationship when it is made obvious.
criticism and contempt ended my marriage. My ex turned so mean that we couldn’t have a conversation without her ending up shouting at me. It was awful.
I become a people chaser to get pleased. “Please affirm me! Because I can’t affirm myself!” It is exhausting….and looking outside myself than within. I am too old for this…so I am grateful to just love and accept, even if I have to close my eyes and hold my nose. Lol. Xoxo thank you thank you thank you.
They always life with the fear of getting recected. So they can‘t make the (new) experience of beeing loved just as they are
It creates distance and increased conflict
I avoid people, mostly other parents because I feel like I’m not a good enough parent even when I think I’ve tried. Seems to me that other parents have it all figured out with their teenage kids. I don’t want to show that I may be insecure.
I’d like to hear more about your talks Tara. You have kept me going for several years now. Thanks
My step-children have really given me a run for my money. I resent them for that and feel angry all the time. I hate that my life is all about trying to hide the anger because my partner doesn’t like it when I’m angry. I’m no fun to be around and it has affected our daily lives for over a decade, now.
They don’t really know me and I become more introverted continuing to assume that they won’t like me.
for me, the energy around holding or withholding, the tension of inauthenticity, the shielding of real – being out of square with reality as in a fear of expressing actual wants, needs, desires, anxiety, grief, weakness or vulnerability – creates a static-y, frightened, fearful contagion that, if i perceive this correctly, others (beloved, friends, family, clients, animals, nature) feel and react in a contagion, from a place or state of suffering or a transmitted fear…
a potential auguring in, a deepening spiral into delusive and quite sadly seductive self harming or victimization that, for better and often worse if unawareness veils all this, just creates more suffering, radially… clouding love-ability…
I often notice that this is an underpinning or coexisting symptom of anxiety and difficulty building secure relationships.
When you hide what they don’t like or you don’t like about yourself?
I’m assuming you mean what you don’t like about yourself.
Like the doctor, I feel that if people truly knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I think that many people, especially men, prefer to keep relationships on a superficial level because heart to heart discussions make them uncomfortable. It’s how we were raised. My own parents always kept me at an emotional arms length and sadly I never truly got to know them.
The question is confusing.
When I hide what I THINK EVERYONE will not like about the real me, I am not being authentic. It took a lot of therapy for me to reveal my dirt-poor childhood to my co-workers and even to my future husband. In some cases, that turned out to be the case, but once I was able to be up front with everyone, regardless of their reaction, I was more at peace and learned to love myself.
Thank you.🙏🙏
It depends on the relationship.
Being untrue and hiding my vulnerability leads to somehow putting me above the other and creates a context of rivalry.
It creates a sense of inauthenticity in myself, and can feel like I am an imposter. It is exhausting, trying to always put that more acceptable version of me out there, while judging myself on the inside for being so afraid and ashamed of the ‘real’ me.
I have difficulty participating in video activités like this one . I tend to sabotage mysel
I don’t like my aging body, bent back, stiff joints, sensitive digestion!
And, my poor memory (probably now getting worse….but I do have more company!), low intelligence (failed an important exam when I was 10 years old, and it still lingers!), fear of criticism (hence anxiety to conform, be good enough!).
I feel your pain, because I suffer from experiencing the same thinking and feelings. However, my spiritual practice (Buddhism) has been helpful in reducing stress.
I keep the faith that things will fall into place soon.
Hiding my fear of intimacy causes me to withdraw, find fault in my wife, argue over words rather than feelings and the message behind the words. By withdrawing I am only further distancing myself from the need and desire for intimacy from my wife and my underlying need for intimate connection. I am actively working w my wife to change this dynamic.
Excellent! I see the “feeling not good enough belief” a lot in my practice. Not only does it ondermine the relationship with self but also with others. It triggers shame and that triggers pleasing behavior, anger, frustration or trying to be perfect. The answer is inside. What a great video. Thanks. I feel inspired.
They are guarded and distant. Inaccessible and defensive. Confuse boundaries versus walls
I don’t even think I’m hiding it all that well. I am extremely moody and can be intolerant of situations I find overwhelming. at the moment this is moving from one home to a much smaller one but it could just as easily be that I’ve had two little rest and too much stimulation throughout the day. My husband is very nonreactive and allows space for all of my feelings but I feel such intense contempt toward myself when I feel myself acting out and I just can’t stand myself.
I become withdrawn and eventually stop attending certain events-regular ones I have been involved in for years. Because I feel shame that others don’t like me or approve of me and also “paranoid” where before I felt confident and “brave” enough to stand equally next to them in a group conversation. It took me many adult years of “working” at being the best i could be to feel better about myself (so I thought people would like me) and now it feels like its all been torn down due to changes, aging, pandemic, retirement and as much as some others out there will say nay to this one—being female. (now in an older age bracket). My professions are not even listed below! Fear and vulnerability(someone else mentioned that) are doing me in!
I hide shame. I’m overweight and there’s nowhere to hide so I hide my shame. I think it would be helpful to tell my husband how I really feel.
It keeps people on edge around those they love. They feel that they have to work hard to only present the sides of themselves they find acceptable. It also robs their relationships of trust, ease and vitality; working hard to seem perfect all the time creates a climate in which others don’t feel they can be fully themselves either. As a result, self-critical clients build the kinds of relationships in which nobody is allowed to be fully themselves (i.e. experience and express their moment-to-moment state of mind).
My lack of confidence keeps me from true intimacy.
Confronting question to face.
I have isolated myself through feelings of inadequacy and career failure. I have hidden and shamed myself on bad career choices through desperation.
I have become self conscious and suffered depression and my biggest secret is loneliness and people finding out that I have no friends left. I am recovering from a recent separation and have been left with sole care of 3 children. Who would want me? Poor and 3 children?
Your talk was relatable and I am keen to find away to accept and forgive myself in order to reclaim my life.
Reduced intimacy lack of authenticity, defensive behavior.
They hide what they don’t like about themselves in a way that becomes strong criticism about what the others do or how they phantasize the others do, which is only a mirror to their own dissatisfaction about themselves
Thank you Tara, love your work!
This is really good!
I think I am socially deficient! I am very apprehensive around people (especially the people that I love) and I am crying inside. My relationships are not what they could be. I am good at hiding and still be crying inside.
there is a separation that hardens into a wall you erect to contain your real self. it’s easier than the fall out drama, real or imagined. it’s keeping people at a polite distance, like you would a neighbor, to keep the peace. I’m primarily speaking family, the people you should be able to be yourself around, it’s very isolating
It becomes a road block. Then there is just surface interaction. And that can be had with strangers. For a successful relationship both need to be vulnerable which for some feels next to impossible.
I’m afraid my vulnerability and sensitivity will scare people away.
I’m afraid I am a downer, especially when feeling depressed.
When people like us, and we are hiding behind our mask, we know that they don’t love us, they only like the mask ! So we can only feel unloved. I’ve found that when I let people know the real vulnerable me with the ‘warts’, too, and they still love me … and they DO, because we all love authenticity …then I know they love me, and not a phony mask.
And maybe they won’t or cannot love the real warty me. That’s ok, too .. we are all on our own journey, and I send loving acceptance to them on their journey towards total love. That’s my journey, too, towards total love as a state of consciousness.✨🌟✨🎉✨🌟✨
That was an amazing description of the foundation about where self insecurity plays a critical role in relationship building . I’m looking at myself and how I need to work on this as my life phases continually change. I need to check in with myself daily to monitor my self love, mindfulness, compassion and empathy toward myself and others who I love and respect without being judgmental . Listening with an open mind and heart will start each day .
It blocks me from having true connection with people
I feel like a fraud. This only perpetuates more inauthenticity. Then I feel on edge because I placed myself in a position that to reveal my vulnerabilities would seem too dangerous for me. For me it’s about attachment and fearing abandonment. I have learned through conditioning that I have to please others so I don’t lose them. This is not the truth and I’m not sure how to reverse this habitual behavior.
I am afraid of being judged and found to have failed , to have got my life wrong. In my thoughts i find myself being judgemental of my partner. Even though i rarely say these thoughts they get in the way of a deep trust in my relationship . Again and again i am humbled by his support, somewhere buried i don’t feel worthy of it . So your talk brought up judgement and shame . Tough. Thank you .
Hiding aspects of oneself creates a false facade
I don’t understand how others believe in me and love me when I don’t always love and believe in myself.
success and joy and friendship is alround me but I can often feel like an imposter.
Thank you for sharing these ideas. It resonates with me that when I hide, feel shameful of my “faults”, and be critical of my areas of need, it creates an in authentic life.