How can neediness be anything but a flaw? Once in that blessed space where you really see other and are seen by other, I just can’t not crave that open hearted space. I can’t get enough of it. It is so easy to get there with people and then it goes and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I just don’t want to feel so much. That looks like desperation to me. And I cannot stand it in myself.
Hello, Tara. When the client hide it, they could not work on it and change it. Deep down they will fill not enough and will put their partner down so they could prove to themselves and to their partner, that they are bad, but not worse.
I’m an introvert with social anxiety and find it very difficult to relate to people in group situations. When I join a new group, I pretend to be quite extroverted and chatty, which goes completely against how I actually feel and leaves me feeling drained and depressed. It makes me think there’s something wrong with me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Well, it makes me “inauthentic”, a faker, a fraud, and creates a massive burden of work and effort to maintain whatever masquerade and false narrative I’m investing in as a coverup, which is stressful, self-perpetuating, alienating, . . .
insecurity. Not being authentic and vulnerable. Appearing as if I know the right answer. I am in control. I have it all together. I get triggered when someone tells me how to do something when I feel I know how to do it, but I really don’t. Not wanting to appear stupid. Don’t accept help. Don’t take advice or healthy criticism. People feel they are walking on eggshells. I am unpredictable in my mood. Shut people out and build a wall. No good communication. React instead of responding. Don’t let the other person be themselves, if it’s not the way I like it. Deep down its my insecurity in me that I don’t want people to see because if they see that I am not strong. They will know that I don’t have it together and I don’t know everything.
There are some very significant questions we must ask ourselves and this requires each person to search into the basement of their souls. Once we can identify these irrational beliefs or lies about who we “think we are,” we can then get on the pathway of becoming truly authentic individuals who can have compassion for self, which then transfers to having compassion for others.
it keeps my relationships on a surface level, never going deep enough to access my real needs, wants, and desires. Cosequently, I do not ever get close to theirs. I live unfulfilled and depressed most of the time.
It creates avoidances. Working with clients that suffer from addiction this is basically common theme. In their addiction they isolate from those they love the most, as well as others. This creates tension, untrust, sadness, pain, it goes on with any emotion. In the four weeks that they are with us it can be tiresome trying to get the client in touch with these feelings.
I am struggling with being angry and critical a lot with my land partner. He does very little and I do too much to keep the place going. This keeps me from being compassionate and caring about his health issues. Every day I have the intention of changing this and every day I end up right where I started. Thank you.
Sheila, your fears are paralyzing you. You sound like a very insightful, intelligent person. Each morning repeat out loud five things you admire or appreciate about yourself and do this for 45 days. See what happens to your sense of self after this period of time. Best to you!
Larry L. Sonksen, LMSW,ACSW
Sometimes I was loud and disruptive in group discussions, but, I was able to get rid of that and found that my relationships with the regulars in that group improved, though with some it didn’t. But, I can’t really do much about that, even when I’ve talk with those I harmed.
I live in a very cluttered house. During covid it just got worse. We ordered a lot of items on line and in bulk. I want a “passable home” not anything like perfect! “Lived in” looking would be fine with me but no matter what small efforts I take the house just goes on with way too many boxes with way too many items. Many things don’t work and the roof leaks. This makes hosting people impossible and I am very embarrassed by the clutter.
Tara thank you for your wisdom, humility and love! Each day l learn, grow and become more aware of my needs, imperfections and tools to self forgiveness, self acceptance and most importantly self love.
Tara, you are a blessing 🙏💕🪷
Thank you Tara. I have read your books and have listened to virtually all of your podcasts. For years I’ve started every day with a meditation session led by you.
I am grateful to you, for I am a much more loving, compassionate and attentive person and experience more joy and peace than in my younger years. Plus …..I walk half and fast and observe twice as much !
Brian
Michigan
Pollygieseler57@gmail.com Pollygieseler57@gmail.com, Other, Nevada city , CA, USAsays
my judgements on an energy level create defensive reaction on the same. felt by anyone sensitive enough to recognize on a visceral level. I’d rather avoid than create that reaction.
I’m less available for connection, for partnering, more lonely. I will fantasize about making plans for connecting but often not follow through.
I become resentful and depressed.
It creates a sense of distance, holding others at arm’s length. And a need to have time out from relationships in order to meet the needs of the authentic self that’s not able to fully express in the presence of others because of the barrier of self censorship.
I am constantly tense (on guard) or feel fake because I am trying to be someone I’m not so they will love me. Therefore, I never relax & have joy with my closest family & friends.
my relationship would becomes calculating and manipulative in order to project an acceptable self. My authentic self is compromised and hence relating becomes a struggle, burden and frustration.
They tend to project that contempt onto their partner. They will also not hear or receive the love and good intentions that their partner is trying to give them instead doubling down on the story they tell themselves that they are not loved, that they are unloveable.
Thank you for this Tara. I’ve had three serious relationships in my life, and only one of them had a closeness that I’ve desired all of my life. Unfortunately, that one self-destructed. As much as I try to be open, I know they were parts of myself that I feel bad about that I have not shared with any of the men I have been in relationship with. I left the last relationship, because I realized this man refused to be vulnerable, and I think I was mirroring him. I never really deeply thought about why he would not allow himself to be vulnerable. Now this all makes sense to me. Thank you.
Feeling ‘less than’ , especially at the age of 74, is how I have lived since I can remember! I have learned in the past decade or so that there are other ways to deal with this. I am grateful to find teachings like this. Thank you!
Love everything you do Tara and this resonates as I have done tremendous work on relationships and how to accept the loss of a few dear ones and create meaningful relationships in my older years. At 70 a lot changes, and I’ve learned to change with great mindfulness. This is an important topic for many and one that requires our time and attention to self and others. Thank you for this gem 💎
I shy away from deep connections due to insecurity, and the inability to relate to people. Small talk does not come easy to me, and I find in all my relationships I am seeking a deeper level which others seem to avoid. This makes me pull back as I feel that I can’t reveal my real self because people will think I am crazy. This makes me feel inadequate, and standoffish.
I’m ashamed of past behaviours. I’m ashamed of my selfish need to “take care of myself” right now, after having lost my brother with whom my relationship was strained for the last five years of his life. Of my two sisters, I’m only close to one of them, I basically don’t communicate with one of them after decades of an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship. I’m ashamed of not having been able to have a big career, of having jumped from job to job, of feeling unreliable when I have to drop out of a board or a committee because I’m overwhelmed. I’m ashamed that I can’t take on as much as I want to take on. It’s depressing.
Wally Graeber, Another Field, Madison, WI, USAsays
In past relationships, I have hidden my insecurities of greed, of lust, of desire. These shadows are just below the surface. They are not getting the light that they need to be healed and become understood by myself of those around me who show me love. I am now working with a therapist to take a deeper look and forgive those parts of my for breaking trust, hurting relationships, and for destroying the love that was built between people closest to me. As I embark on my 6th year of sobriety from alcohol and my upcoming 34th birthday- much of my shadows are come back to teach me lessons that I have yet to fully learn and embody. Thanks to Tara and this extended community for helping bring light to our patterns of behavior we find shame, guilt, and hatred in. With gratitude, Wally Graeber 🙂
I’m hiding my lack of security by speaking my mind and sometimes I come across harshly. I realize my passion about things can make me sound angry when I’m actually not! Which seems to frighten others.
I feel as if I’m not being authentic, real, not true to myself. That causes me to feel uncomfortable and awkward . Before I know it, I’ve I gone into a spiral of self criticism.
I lived fifty years of my life with a man who discredited me. I partly believed him. I tried not to offend him, I tried to prove him right. A week before our last Christmas, he confessed to me that he had a mistress for five years because he didn’t love me. As best I could, I continued to prepare Christmas for my three children and seven grandchildren. Then he gave me a pauper’s allowance to leave. I was in chaos. After seven years of therapy, I understand the source of my rather passive attitude. But I feel responsible for having led a life of sadness with this narcissist. I can’t get over it.
Thanks Tara and NICABM,
Clearly points out how the the real work starts with in ourselves . If we desperately want to change the world and others ,the love and acceptance to do that effectively is necessary in our attitude towards ourselves.
As a child, my performing talent and natural confidence incurred jealousy from some other kids and unfulfilled adults, even in my own dysfunctional family. Being a sensitive only child who felt rejection keenly, this was unbearable to me. And so I made myself and my ambitions smaller to make me more “acceptable” to others. And I stopped believing in my outward possibilities; although inwardly, I continued to burgeon spiritually and intellectually. I paid the price for a smaller life in countless ways, one of which was being in relationships, including work situations, that didn’t support my flourishing. Hence, a vicious cycle. But at 73 with a life-threatening illness, I hired a life coach who mirrors my innate belief in my worthiness. She encourages me to set an intention for relationships with other highly evolved spirits who resonate with my gifts for living and loving. I had never thought I deserved to aim high. But better late than never. I now feel the possibilities unfolding, as my outer life starts aligning with my inner life.
Thank you for sharing this, Abbie. What you have written really resonates with what I feel within myself. This has brought me to tears. I am also an only child and I don’t think I am completely aware of how this has affected my ability to process rejection or perceived failure and not take it personally. I become discouraged so easily and lose belief in my worth and what’s possible. I too feel deep within my being, though, that I am meant for more. If only I wasn’t so afraid to aim higher and apply myself. I want my outer life to reflect what my inner knowing is yearning for.
I’m fading in not being , hiding behind a persona.
I lose authenticity and my ability to accept my feelings and others. I become judgementaland controlling .
How can neediness be anything but a flaw? Once in that blessed space where you really see other and are seen by other, I just can’t not crave that open hearted space. I can’t get enough of it. It is so easy to get there with people and then it goes and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I just don’t want to feel so much. That looks like desperation to me. And I cannot stand it in myself.
Hello, Tara. When the client hide it, they could not work on it and change it. Deep down they will fill not enough and will put their partner down so they could prove to themselves and to their partner, that they are bad, but not worse.
I keep everyone on an arm length
It makes my relationships based on false pretenses and makes them feel fake and stressful.
HIding parts of self because others don’t like those elements limit your true being and create a false relationship.
I’m an introvert with social anxiety and find it very difficult to relate to people in group situations. When I join a new group, I pretend to be quite extroverted and chatty, which goes completely against how I actually feel and leaves me feeling drained and depressed. It makes me think there’s something wrong with me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Well, it makes me “inauthentic”, a faker, a fraud, and creates a massive burden of work and effort to maintain whatever masquerade and false narrative I’m investing in as a coverup, which is stressful, self-perpetuating, alienating, . . .
insecurity. Not being authentic and vulnerable. Appearing as if I know the right answer. I am in control. I have it all together. I get triggered when someone tells me how to do something when I feel I know how to do it, but I really don’t. Not wanting to appear stupid. Don’t accept help. Don’t take advice or healthy criticism. People feel they are walking on eggshells. I am unpredictable in my mood. Shut people out and build a wall. No good communication. React instead of responding. Don’t let the other person be themselves, if it’s not the way I like it. Deep down its my insecurity in me that I don’t want people to see because if they see that I am not strong. They will know that I don’t have it together and I don’t know everything.
I am very happy for this opportunity
There are some very significant questions we must ask ourselves and this requires each person to search into the basement of their souls. Once we can identify these irrational beliefs or lies about who we “think we are,” we can then get on the pathway of becoming truly authentic individuals who can have compassion for self, which then transfers to having compassion for others.
Larry L. Sonksen, LMSW, ACSW
it keeps my relationships on a surface level, never going deep enough to access my real needs, wants, and desires. Cosequently, I do not ever get close to theirs. I live unfulfilled and depressed most of the time.
It creates avoidances. Working with clients that suffer from addiction this is basically common theme. In their addiction they isolate from those they love the most, as well as others. This creates tension, untrust, sadness, pain, it goes on with any emotion. In the four weeks that they are with us it can be tiresome trying to get the client in touch with these feelings.
I am struggling with being angry and critical a lot with my land partner. He does very little and I do too much to keep the place going. This keeps me from being compassionate and caring about his health issues. Every day I have the intention of changing this and every day I end up right where I started. Thank you.
My insecurities, lack of self confidence, and lack of creativity cause me to avoid certain situations and relationships.
Sheila, your fears are paralyzing you. You sound like a very insightful, intelligent person. Each morning repeat out loud five things you admire or appreciate about yourself and do this for 45 days. See what happens to your sense of self after this period of time. Best to you!
Larry L. Sonksen, LMSW,ACSW
Sometimes I was loud and disruptive in group discussions, but, I was able to get rid of that and found that my relationships with the regulars in that group improved, though with some it didn’t. But, I can’t really do much about that, even when I’ve talk with those I harmed.
I live in a very cluttered house. During covid it just got worse. We ordered a lot of items on line and in bulk. I want a “passable home” not anything like perfect! “Lived in” looking would be fine with me but no matter what small efforts I take the house just goes on with way too many boxes with way too many items. Many things don’t work and the roof leaks. This makes hosting people impossible and I am very embarrassed by the clutter.
You can’t get close to anyone
Tara thank you for your wisdom, humility and love! Each day l learn, grow and become more aware of my needs, imperfections and tools to self forgiveness, self acceptance and most importantly self love.
Tara, you are a blessing 🙏💕🪷
Thank you Tara. I have read your books and have listened to virtually all of your podcasts. For years I’ve started every day with a meditation session led by you.
I am grateful to you, for I am a much more loving, compassionate and attentive person and experience more joy and peace than in my younger years. Plus …..I walk half and fast and observe twice as much !
Brian
Michigan
I find myself being critical and judgmental. I try not to make mistakes because “they” will think I’m not smart.
my judgements on an energy level create defensive reaction on the same. felt by anyone sensitive enough to recognize on a visceral level. I’d rather avoid than create that reaction.
I choose not to spend time with friends and family. It is hard for me to hide what others do not like about me.
I’m less available for connection, for partnering, more lonely. I will fantasize about making plans for connecting but often not follow through.
I become resentful and depressed.
Bad for it
It creates a sense of distance, holding others at arm’s length. And a need to have time out from relationships in order to meet the needs of the authentic self that’s not able to fully express in the presence of others because of the barrier of self censorship.
It causes unease between them and their relationships.
I am constantly tense (on guard) or feel fake because I am trying to be someone I’m not so they will love me. Therefore, I never relax & have joy with my closest family & friends.
my relationship would becomes calculating and manipulative in order to project an acceptable self. My authentic self is compromised and hence relating becomes a struggle, burden and frustration.
As always, wisdom shared with concise and clear education of how to use that wisdom. Thank you Tara.
They tend to project that contempt onto their partner. They will also not hear or receive the love and good intentions that their partner is trying to give them instead doubling down on the story they tell themselves that they are not loved, that they are unloveable.
There is a feeling of being not truly open to your partner/friend caused by fear to be honest.
Thank you for this Tara. I’ve had three serious relationships in my life, and only one of them had a closeness that I’ve desired all of my life. Unfortunately, that one self-destructed. As much as I try to be open, I know they were parts of myself that I feel bad about that I have not shared with any of the men I have been in relationship with. I left the last relationship, because I realized this man refused to be vulnerable, and I think I was mirroring him. I never really deeply thought about why he would not allow himself to be vulnerable. Now this all makes sense to me. Thank you.
Feeling ‘less than’ , especially at the age of 74, is how I have lived since I can remember! I have learned in the past decade or so that there are other ways to deal with this. I am grateful to find teachings like this. Thank you!
Love everything you do Tara and this resonates as I have done tremendous work on relationships and how to accept the loss of a few dear ones and create meaningful relationships in my older years. At 70 a lot changes, and I’ve learned to change with great mindfulness. This is an important topic for many and one that requires our time and attention to self and others. Thank you for this gem 💎
I shy away from deep connections due to insecurity, and the inability to relate to people. Small talk does not come easy to me, and I find in all my relationships I am seeking a deeper level which others seem to avoid. This makes me pull back as I feel that I can’t reveal my real self because people will think I am crazy. This makes me feel inadequate, and standoffish.
I have MS
It affects the authenticity in the relationship.
I’m ashamed of past behaviours. I’m ashamed of my selfish need to “take care of myself” right now, after having lost my brother with whom my relationship was strained for the last five years of his life. Of my two sisters, I’m only close to one of them, I basically don’t communicate with one of them after decades of an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship. I’m ashamed of not having been able to have a big career, of having jumped from job to job, of feeling unreliable when I have to drop out of a board or a committee because I’m overwhelmed. I’m ashamed that I can’t take on as much as I want to take on. It’s depressing.
In past relationships, I have hidden my insecurities of greed, of lust, of desire. These shadows are just below the surface. They are not getting the light that they need to be healed and become understood by myself of those around me who show me love. I am now working with a therapist to take a deeper look and forgive those parts of my for breaking trust, hurting relationships, and for destroying the love that was built between people closest to me. As I embark on my 6th year of sobriety from alcohol and my upcoming 34th birthday- much of my shadows are come back to teach me lessons that I have yet to fully learn and embody. Thanks to Tara and this extended community for helping bring light to our patterns of behavior we find shame, guilt, and hatred in. With gratitude, Wally Graeber 🙂
I’m hiding my lack of security by speaking my mind and sometimes I come across harshly. I realize my passion about things can make me sound angry when I’m actually not! Which seems to frighten others.
Thank you for this opportunity!
Not showing your true self. Less authentic.
one can never feel fully at home or relaxed, nor fully connected and supported. It constantly drains energy to hide…
I feel as if I’m not being authentic, real, not true to myself. That causes me to feel uncomfortable and awkward . Before I know it, I’ve I gone into a spiral of self criticism.
I lived fifty years of my life with a man who discredited me. I partly believed him. I tried not to offend him, I tried to prove him right. A week before our last Christmas, he confessed to me that he had a mistress for five years because he didn’t love me. As best I could, I continued to prepare Christmas for my three children and seven grandchildren. Then he gave me a pauper’s allowance to leave. I was in chaos. After seven years of therapy, I understand the source of my rather passive attitude. But I feel responsible for having led a life of sadness with this narcissist. I can’t get over it.
The shape of my overweight body, the ugliness. Not confident to have a relationship with a man. But it is something I want so dearly.
Thanks Tara and NICABM,
Clearly points out how the the real work starts with in ourselves . If we desperately want to change the world and others ,the love and acceptance to do that effectively is necessary in our attitude towards ourselves.
Interesting. I look forward to the next episode.
I am embarrassed and ashamed of my depression, need to hide and compete. I can’t compete as I always come up short.
As a child, my performing talent and natural confidence incurred jealousy from some other kids and unfulfilled adults, even in my own dysfunctional family. Being a sensitive only child who felt rejection keenly, this was unbearable to me. And so I made myself and my ambitions smaller to make me more “acceptable” to others. And I stopped believing in my outward possibilities; although inwardly, I continued to burgeon spiritually and intellectually. I paid the price for a smaller life in countless ways, one of which was being in relationships, including work situations, that didn’t support my flourishing. Hence, a vicious cycle. But at 73 with a life-threatening illness, I hired a life coach who mirrors my innate belief in my worthiness. She encourages me to set an intention for relationships with other highly evolved spirits who resonate with my gifts for living and loving. I had never thought I deserved to aim high. But better late than never. I now feel the possibilities unfolding, as my outer life starts aligning with my inner life.
Thank you for sharing this, Abbie. What you have written really resonates with what I feel within myself. This has brought me to tears. I am also an only child and I don’t think I am completely aware of how this has affected my ability to process rejection or perceived failure and not take it personally. I become discouraged so easily and lose belief in my worth and what’s possible. I too feel deep within my being, though, that I am meant for more. If only I wasn’t so afraid to aim higher and apply myself. I want my outer life to reflect what my inner knowing is yearning for.