I tend to avoid meeting people, and ‘sticking my hand up’, because I fear being judged as boring, stupid or uncommitted….having ‘nothing to offer’. It makes me shy and awkward socially. I experience it as standing ‘behind my eyes’, with an arranged face! I feel fine when I have ‘something to talk about’. I hate that I envy my partner’s ability to joke and ‘rub along’ with people, and his confidence and self-acceptance which makes him friendly and easy going. I get vengeful and attack him, so he will feel as bad as me. It makes me feel mean and childish, and I feel bad that after all these years of meditation I can still be uptight and defensive. Still lots of fear and anger. My friends are people whom I recognise as being in some way ‘odd balls’. It’s ridiculous, because when I am relaxed and open I am really genuine and empathetic.
Holly McSpadden, Teacher, Kansas City, MO, USAsays
I feel deeply unworthy. What the flaw I hide? The shame of my unworthiness.I don’t feel worthy of love and I sure don’t feel worthy of saying what I want. Ugh. I am independent because I fear the pain of being let down. I do not call my friends when I am lonely because I fear they won’t care. I am terrified, so I lock away my needs. The irony is I am much loved by long time friends, who have never let me down. My partner is kind and loving and not judgmental, while I am kind and loving and judgmental as all get out. He tells me I am judging myself too harshly. My criticism of him are mild and usually productive. He may be right. I am very hard on myself.
I feel I’m so flawed and awkward. Also there is this terrible monster in me that spews never-ending negative speech. I work to keep a lid on that inner voice. I hear it when I’m with my parents so I know it exists in me. I spent the last two years reading Sharon Salzberg, Thich Nhat Hanh and meditating. It has helped, but I still feel I have so far to go. Some days I feel like a fraud and failure.
Natacha Friedman, Another Field, Ridgefield, CT, USAsays
When I hide what they don’t like about myself, it affects my relationships positively as well as negatively.
Positively, it helps me avoid conflict or judgment in the short term, but it also leads me to lack authenticity and emotional intimacy. Because I have tremendous trust issues, it is difficult for me to open up easily to others. Over time, this has strained my relationships as my true self remains hidden.
My daily meditation practice for the past 15 years, has allowed me to see how fear played a huge role in the lack of trust I had in others.
I know now, it is healthier to be authentic and find people who accept me for who I am rather than have others like me through my unauthentic self. Such as, pleasing others for the fear of saying NO. Opening to communication and vulnerability has lead me to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Namaste 🙏 Natacha
Even though I was a counsellor for some years this comment will be about myself.
The person I know best.
Things I hide from my partner, when I feel sexual desire, when I desire emotional connection, when I feel bored by a story he’s telling.
I tell myself he doesn’t want the burden of my needs.
With my son, I don’t tell him I miss him too often because again I don’t want him to feel burdened to me. I don’t want him to worry I’m lonely etc.
Which I’m not, but sometimes I miss his company.
I guess these things effect my relationships in a way that as I edit myself to control how they feel, they are not in relationship with my full self?
Although I’m pretty transparent and I think my son especially can see what lies beneath.
Which really is just love. And fear. And control. And lack of trust that I’m good enough as I am..
Gosh that’s a big question I think I intrinsically feel unworthy and I cannot love people the way that they need. If I say no to something they are going to dislike me and I keep my distance so as not to get to close. I fear being close yet crave it at the same time. So I feel I swing from being to needy to needless and want less.
They become superficial, lacking any deep connection or understanding of each other. Or the relationship feels one-sided, the other person being open and vulnerable just makes me feel even more inadequate because I don’t have the courage to reveal myself.
Thank you, Tara. I recently decided to start going to AA meetings because my use of alcohol had become unmanageable by me or anyone else trying to help me. I blamed my husband for most of my woes. Your message in this video corresponds so nicely with a couple of the steps of AA. I’m learning to uncover my character defects, and in doing so, I’ve come to realize that my drinking caused those defects of selfishness, dishonesty, and fear to grow and be used against my husband which, over time, has made him more distant, suspicious, and disheartened. I’m focused, one day at a time, on changing my patterns and routines and loving myself more so that I have more to give him.
Hi Carrie
I am a 12 step recovery person. Congratulations on taking the first steps. I too did the same and started working on my character defects. A life long work. Great to meet a fellow companion.
Being super critical of all I do including being self-critical, and by keeping it to myself, I see my partner as flawed too, creating inner distance so I’m no longer present with my partner. Luckily this isn’t all of the time, but is too much of the time.
Great question. I can never fully commit. I fear others will know what judgments and comments were made by my family of birth. Were they right? I have let them be right.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, I have to create an image for others and relate from my head to make sire that image is received, accepted and liked, even adored. By doing this, I haven’t given the chance of a deeper self and true being to learn, develop, and live.
When I hide, my body doesn’t participate; my muscles are tense and ready to run away or explode into anger. My relationships remain shallow or end, when I’m hiding.
Andrea Tangredi, Another Field, EASTHAMPTON, MA, USAsays
It’s not a real relationship… it’s based on illusion. They are liking or loving a fictitious me, not the real me. sooner or later I will be angry at doing this to myself and perhaps them for only liking the fake me. my subconscious will keep score.
Relationships become conditional and function on the basis that certain emotions or experiences can’t be talked about; relationships become dangerous and lots of energy goes into upholding unspoken rules of engagement.
I am mired by shame and guilt. While my kids were growing up, I struggled with alcohol. It gave me a place to escape. They are young adults now and both are angry and saying they “don’t know if they ever want a relationship “. The impetus for this was a relapse 5 months ago after 5 years of sobriety.
Time may heal these wounds when your “young” adults grow up. I had a similar experience. I was doing the best I could at that time (and you were too.) As our children grow and hopefully they gain more wisdom, perhaps understanding will grow too. I apologized to my children and told them if I could change the past, I would but, I can’t. They also saw the “new” me and I have a good relationship with one child and a better, evolving one with the other. If you had the consciousness then that you do now things would have been different. Hindsight is always 20/20. The shame and guilt is a form of self torture. You are human, not perfect. I am 72 years old and shocked at how much I am still learning. Forgive yourself, it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself (and your children.)
I was raised with a lot of concern and awareness about “what other people think,” of me. At age 82 I am building on a lifetime of work to follow my true heart and let others think as they will with blessings to them.
I guess hiding myself and being isolated and lonely,Im so afraid of conflict and hurting others and telling them about things that bother me so I avoid being close to people and I’m mostly alone.
Tired of not ‘being enough’
want to run away, find a safe place. Be angry a lot so no-one gets near. When I runaway I get into trouble. My nan and koro gone now (passed).
For me my judging of myself leads to the isolation that then leads to resentment and rage against others or the “world” as if was some kind of sentient being that wants to destroy me or something, also I’m starting to believe that I’m enough being like this and I give up and don’t allow to show my true self.
I don’t like the part of me that hides in my Parkinson’s disease and doesn’t get it the important things. I want to focus on relations with the people in my life now.
Oscar Rincones, Another Field, Portland, OR, USAsays
It causes a breakdown in honest expectations from each other and necessary vulnerability and out also reinforces the untruth that there is always someone better available to you or to them which also causes a slow unthreading of the relationship.
I am very afraid to let others know my age. I look and act about 10 years younger. But I’m 78. And I’m scared my friends will look at me differently. And I so want to manifest my sacred partner and feel I must lie about my real age till they know me. I’ve been so critical of my body. I have been criticized my entire life. By kids in school then my husband. And growing up my brothers. Now I feel I can never look as good as I want just because if she. I’m not terribly overweight. Maybe by 20 pounds. But I lack self confidence. I see fat women in happy relationships and enjoying life. I’m also a highly sensitive person. I’m a whole food plant based vegan and I am alone in that where I live. I recently relocated during covid from FLORIDA to live near my daughter in Geirgia to help me financially. But I left the kind of men I liked. A lifestyle that was more outdoors and healthier and more people who ate like me. I now can’t relate to men here. And can’t afford to just move back. And I have lots of insecurities
I don’t like my appearance (overweight). Because I don’t like the way I look, I assume others share the same judgement. My thinking is “I don’t like myself, therefore others won’t like me either”. This has impacted my relationships.
Elsie Garland, Counseling, Vancouver , WA, USAsays
You are so very “right on!!!” I realize that is not a particularly erudite comment, and yet it speaks volumes about our clients AND our own internal messages of denigration, self-loathing and judgment.
Mary Bright, Marriage/Family Therapy, TAMPA, FL, USAsays
Trying to hide our imperfections, our failings keeps others from knowing who we really are and thus prevents intimacy. It also prevents our ability to love and accept ourselves. All of this prevents our growth and ability to change things we want to change in ourselves – thus creating a vicious cycle of negativity.
Patricia Ross, Marriage/Family Therapy, Kentfield, CA, USAsays
When a client hides what he or she doesn’t like about him or herself, it limits their relationships to not being fully known or seen and perpetuates the shame that is at the basis for hiding in the first place. In working with such a client, I find that building trust and a good therapeutic relationship with acceptance and non-judgment, eventually a client may risk showing this unacceptable part or these parts to me and can experience a lifting of some of the motivating shame. Through my acceptance of these parts, perhaps the client can then get closer to accepting themselves.
I’m hiding the fact that I can not practice unconditional love at all times. Admitting that there are times and situations that I’m not fully committed to loving a person could be interpreted as not loving that person at all. This affects my relationships because I’m not transparent on how I feel and that I’m not perfect.
What happens when who you find your authentic self to be and finally embrace those aspects that make you unique … and valued by the closest relationship but rejected by most other people ?
It’s a searing pain to find out who you really are and care about yourself only to be rejected even further.
Thank you, I have discovered over my lifetime that we do live with many fears that unless we are able or have help we would never see where orwhy they exist.I discovered this as I became an older adult I really did fear many things. Not being good enough.. in my marriage , in my carreer, in my connections with others .I am incredibly gratefull that as I have studied , learned , listened to(vidoes like today)I am slowy dealing with the. mI worked as an Nurse and now a life couch and needed to do some deep diving into myself to be working with these people.Thank you I love listening to your sessions
I tend to avoid meeting people, and ‘sticking my hand up’, because I fear being judged as boring, stupid or uncommitted….having ‘nothing to offer’. It makes me shy and awkward socially. I experience it as standing ‘behind my eyes’, with an arranged face! I feel fine when I have ‘something to talk about’. I hate that I envy my partner’s ability to joke and ‘rub along’ with people, and his confidence and self-acceptance which makes him friendly and easy going. I get vengeful and attack him, so he will feel as bad as me. It makes me feel mean and childish, and I feel bad that after all these years of meditation I can still be uptight and defensive. Still lots of fear and anger. My friends are people whom I recognise as being in some way ‘odd balls’. It’s ridiculous, because when I am relaxed and open I am really genuine and empathetic.
Thank you so much for everything you do, Tara.
depression
I feel deeply unworthy. What the flaw I hide? The shame of my unworthiness.I don’t feel worthy of love and I sure don’t feel worthy of saying what I want. Ugh. I am independent because I fear the pain of being let down. I do not call my friends when I am lonely because I fear they won’t care. I am terrified, so I lock away my needs. The irony is I am much loved by long time friends, who have never let me down. My partner is kind and loving and not judgmental, while I am kind and loving and judgmental as all get out. He tells me I am judging myself too harshly. My criticism of him are mild and usually productive. He may be right. I am very hard on myself.
I can only make myself known so far. And all I want is to be seen and understood.
I feel I’m so flawed and awkward. Also there is this terrible monster in me that spews never-ending negative speech. I work to keep a lid on that inner voice. I hear it when I’m with my parents so I know it exists in me. I spent the last two years reading Sharon Salzberg, Thich Nhat Hanh and meditating. It has helped, but I still feel I have so far to go. Some days I feel like a fraud and failure.
When I hide what they don’t like about myself, it affects my relationships positively as well as negatively.
Positively, it helps me avoid conflict or judgment in the short term, but it also leads me to lack authenticity and emotional intimacy. Because I have tremendous trust issues, it is difficult for me to open up easily to others. Over time, this has strained my relationships as my true self remains hidden.
My daily meditation practice for the past 15 years, has allowed me to see how fear played a huge role in the lack of trust I had in others.
I know now, it is healthier to be authentic and find people who accept me for who I am rather than have others like me through my unauthentic self. Such as, pleasing others for the fear of saying NO. Opening to communication and vulnerability has lead me to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Namaste 🙏 Natacha
So what if my ability to not dig in helps with the relationships that the other has a hard time with intimacy? aka reciprocal deficiencies. 🙂
It makes it very difficult to connect authentically and to share from our own humanness.
Even though I was a counsellor for some years this comment will be about myself.
The person I know best.
Things I hide from my partner, when I feel sexual desire, when I desire emotional connection, when I feel bored by a story he’s telling.
I tell myself he doesn’t want the burden of my needs.
With my son, I don’t tell him I miss him too often because again I don’t want him to feel burdened to me. I don’t want him to worry I’m lonely etc.
Which I’m not, but sometimes I miss his company.
I guess these things effect my relationships in a way that as I edit myself to control how they feel, they are not in relationship with my full self?
Although I’m pretty transparent and I think my son especially can see what lies beneath.
Which really is just love. And fear. And control. And lack of trust that I’m good enough as I am..
It leaves me feeling all alone and without someone there who really cares about my well being.
Gosh that’s a big question I think I intrinsically feel unworthy and I cannot love people the way that they need. If I say no to something they are going to dislike me and I keep my distance so as not to get to close. I fear being close yet crave it at the same time. So I feel I swing from being to needy to needless and want less.
They become superficial, lacking any deep connection or understanding of each other. Or the relationship feels one-sided, the other person being open and vulnerable just makes me feel even more inadequate because I don’t have the courage to reveal myself.
I’m very hard on myself and others
Hi Kimberly
I relate to your being hard on yourself and others. Thanks
Thank you, Tara. I recently decided to start going to AA meetings because my use of alcohol had become unmanageable by me or anyone else trying to help me. I blamed my husband for most of my woes. Your message in this video corresponds so nicely with a couple of the steps of AA. I’m learning to uncover my character defects, and in doing so, I’ve come to realize that my drinking caused those defects of selfishness, dishonesty, and fear to grow and be used against my husband which, over time, has made him more distant, suspicious, and disheartened. I’m focused, one day at a time, on changing my patterns and routines and loving myself more so that I have more to give him.
Hi Carrie
I am a 12 step recovery person. Congratulations on taking the first steps. I too did the same and started working on my character defects. A life long work. Great to meet a fellow companion.
I hide my mistakes because I need to be perfect or else my partner will not like me any more and that leads to abandonment.
Being super critical of all I do including being self-critical, and by keeping it to myself, I see my partner as flawed too, creating inner distance so I’m no longer present with my partner. Luckily this isn’t all of the time, but is too much of the time.
Great question. I can never fully commit. I fear others will know what judgments and comments were made by my family of birth. Were they right? I have let them be right.
It would damage them
Me too! I am 72 and just learning not to be a people pleaser!
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, I have to create an image for others and relate from my head to make sire that image is received, accepted and liked, even adored. By doing this, I haven’t given the chance of a deeper self and true being to learn, develop, and live.
When I hide, my body doesn’t participate; my muscles are tense and ready to run away or explode into anger. My relationships remain shallow or end, when I’m hiding.
I think I hide what I do like about myself – afraid that it will bore or overwhelm others.
It’s not a real relationship… it’s based on illusion. They are liking or loving a fictitious me, not the real me. sooner or later I will be angry at doing this to myself and perhaps them for only liking the fake me. my subconscious will keep score.
Relationships become conditional and function on the basis that certain emotions or experiences can’t be talked about; relationships become dangerous and lots of energy goes into upholding unspoken rules of engagement.
I am mired by shame and guilt. While my kids were growing up, I struggled with alcohol. It gave me a place to escape. They are young adults now and both are angry and saying they “don’t know if they ever want a relationship “. The impetus for this was a relapse 5 months ago after 5 years of sobriety.
Time may heal these wounds when your “young” adults grow up. I had a similar experience. I was doing the best I could at that time (and you were too.) As our children grow and hopefully they gain more wisdom, perhaps understanding will grow too. I apologized to my children and told them if I could change the past, I would but, I can’t. They also saw the “new” me and I have a good relationship with one child and a better, evolving one with the other. If you had the consciousness then that you do now things would have been different. Hindsight is always 20/20. The shame and guilt is a form of self torture. You are human, not perfect. I am 72 years old and shocked at how much I am still learning. Forgive yourself, it’s the healthiest thing you can do for yourself (and your children.)
When I hide what I don’t like about myself to others, it comes out even worse than I could have ever imagined.
I was raised with a lot of concern and awareness about “what other people think,” of me. At age 82 I am building on a lifetime of work to follow my true heart and let others think as they will with blessings to them.
Me too! I am 72 and just learning not to be a people pleaser!
I think it means that I cannot fully trust the other person and then creates distance
I feel hurt by comments that are made about me even though I know that they are true.
I guess hiding myself and being isolated and lonely,Im so afraid of conflict and hurting others and telling them about things that bother me so I avoid being close to people and I’m mostly alone.
I do relate to this Thankyou for sharing.
Tired of not ‘being enough’
want to run away, find a safe place. Be angry a lot so no-one gets near. When I runaway I get into trouble. My nan and koro gone now (passed).
For me my judging of myself leads to the isolation that then leads to resentment and rage against others or the “world” as if was some kind of sentient being that wants to destroy me or something, also I’m starting to believe that I’m enough being like this and I give up and don’t allow to show my true self.
I don’t like the part of me that hides in my Parkinson’s disease and doesn’t get it the important things. I want to focus on relations with the people in my life now.
It impacts connection
If they’re are not doing self-care then their reservoir of energy will get depleted.
I don’t like myself. Anything I try to do to try and like myself doesn’t work.
It harbors inauthentic relationship. We are not open to allow meaningful, true relationship.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself leaves me fearful of discovery.
It causes a breakdown in honest expectations from each other and necessary vulnerability and out also reinforces the untruth that there is always someone better available to you or to them which also causes a slow unthreading of the relationship.
I think ‘they’ suspect I’m not being fully open – that I might be keeping myself closed to them.
It kind of keeps the relationship more surface.
I am very afraid to let others know my age. I look and act about 10 years younger. But I’m 78. And I’m scared my friends will look at me differently. And I so want to manifest my sacred partner and feel I must lie about my real age till they know me. I’ve been so critical of my body. I have been criticized my entire life. By kids in school then my husband. And growing up my brothers. Now I feel I can never look as good as I want just because if she. I’m not terribly overweight. Maybe by 20 pounds. But I lack self confidence. I see fat women in happy relationships and enjoying life. I’m also a highly sensitive person. I’m a whole food plant based vegan and I am alone in that where I live. I recently relocated during covid from FLORIDA to live near my daughter in Geirgia to help me financially. But I left the kind of men I liked. A lifestyle that was more outdoors and healthier and more people who ate like me. I now can’t relate to men here. And can’t afford to just move back. And I have lots of insecurities
I don’t like my appearance (overweight). Because I don’t like the way I look, I assume others share the same judgement. My thinking is “I don’t like myself, therefore others won’t like me either”. This has impacted my relationships.
I see in others what I don’t like in myself.
I break any form of connection with the person with whom I am trying to connect
Difficult to connect when this is the core issue
You are so very “right on!!!” I realize that is not a particularly erudite comment, and yet it speaks volumes about our clients AND our own internal messages of denigration, self-loathing and judgment.
Trying to hide our imperfections, our failings keeps others from knowing who we really are and thus prevents intimacy. It also prevents our ability to love and accept ourselves. All of this prevents our growth and ability to change things we want to change in ourselves – thus creating a vicious cycle of negativity.
When a client hides what he or she doesn’t like about him or herself, it limits their relationships to not being fully known or seen and perpetuates the shame that is at the basis for hiding in the first place. In working with such a client, I find that building trust and a good therapeutic relationship with acceptance and non-judgment, eventually a client may risk showing this unacceptable part or these parts to me and can experience a lifting of some of the motivating shame. Through my acceptance of these parts, perhaps the client can then get closer to accepting themselves.
I’m hiding the fact that I can not practice unconditional love at all times. Admitting that there are times and situations that I’m not fully committed to loving a person could be interpreted as not loving that person at all. This affects my relationships because I’m not transparent on how I feel and that I’m not perfect.
What happens when who you find your authentic self to be and finally embrace those aspects that make you unique … and valued by the closest relationship but rejected by most other people ?
It’s a searing pain to find out who you really are and care about yourself only to be rejected even further.
Thank you, I have discovered over my lifetime that we do live with many fears that unless we are able or have help we would never see where orwhy they exist.I discovered this as I became an older adult I really did fear many things. Not being good enough.. in my marriage , in my carreer, in my connections with others .I am incredibly gratefull that as I have studied , learned , listened to(vidoes like today)I am slowy dealing with the. mI worked as an Nurse and now a life couch and needed to do some deep diving into myself to be working with these people.Thank you I love listening to your sessions