I have been withdrawing for years from people while I did the big job of caring for and rehabilitating my mother who had her leg amputated at 83. I lost my partner, home, business as well thanks to covid during that time. I feel like a looser and even my closest friends have given me up. What to do?
I often doubt that I am worth other’s time and energy and feel that I may have little to offer. Then I have periods when I feel so good about being part of something larger than myself, and the “flow” of kindness and caring that my close relationships bring. My children say I try to control everything, but this is a symptom of my fear of not being prepared to give my best self. I’d say fear is at the heart of most of my self-criticism and self-doubt.
Trying to hide some aspects of my personnality makes me sometimes agressive or responding too much to what I consider as a critism.
And I am afraid it’s becoming worst with years.
Jozarray Murray, Another Field, Alexandria, VA, USAsays
What I don’t like about myself is that I am not as vulnerable or open hearted with people as I want to be, I think I don’t communicate well and I often can’t read other people’s feelings. I am shy and I have social anxiety. I don’t keep friends for very long. So, what I don’t like about myself is that I am not very likable.
My insecurities can cause me to hold back from being spontaneous and free. Fear of judgement also prevents me from always being my authentic self. I’m working on not comparing myself to others by always using the mantra, “Being is enough.”
Dearest Tara, such a good vidéo.
I realise more than ever that, what is between me and being happy is the lack of Confidence in myself and, my judgemental mind that gets in the way of my relationship with my husband.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
Why should I blame him ?
He is not the one to blame for what I have been through before I met him.
He is the one who, believed in me when, I didn’t.
He is such a wonderful soul.
Bless Him.
I need to cultivate more Gratitude and, be more open to receive and, give.
Namaste
I don’t bring my full self into relationships, just the bits I think will be acceptable. That makes me not fully present to others because I am so careful watching my words and actions.
The authenticity of who you really are is somewhat hidden from them. So there has to be hidden trust issues buried within the relationship know or not.
Makes me dislike the “they” and become very resentful, angry and upset especially if I perceive they feel superior and have abused my generosity . This is especially true if , by my judgement , I have sacrificed my own enjoyment and achievements in caring for them in a physical sense .
I hide insecurities and fear. I’ve not had success in intimate relationships because of it. Fear runs my life a lot in private and is a major contributing factor in little social life for me.
I’m about to embark on a new adventure with a new partner. I really want to get this right in this lifetime. I’m 68!
Thanks Tara
I hide shame behind guilt and that behind fear. It makes me less available to others, but that is not sustainable. So, I have a facade where I am high functioning, have to be there for others and help them solve problems. It takes a toll on me. I feel it making my mind sluggish. It takes the joy out of ordinary moments. I then double down on my inability to receive and accept appreciation and words of affirmation, even when I ask for them. I am judging myself for what I see as my own duplicitous behaviour. The punishment for that behaviour of not being authentic to myself or to others, is to deny myself appreciation and love. But I am happy to give love to others. Now that this dynamic is clear, I am working on calming these voices in my head and telling myself that it is okay to receive love. When I remember, instead of responding from my people pleasing side, I try to say what I want to in that moment. It’s relief-creating work and I am hopeful for ongoing progress.
My feelings and emotions needs were not met in childhood so you numb yourself
throughout your life, it must be me not good enough wrong I am good enough
just the way I am.Iam in control of myself. A lot of hard work to have a
loving relationship with one self first.
I’m am petrified to make any close connection with anyone. I tried so hard with me ex sharing the same, he wasn’t available to be intimate emotionally with me. I knew it was his own buried pain and I begged for us to get help but he refused. Now I’m really working backwards a bit. I’ve always been insecure and fearful of others. Never was I good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, all the “isms” that a lot of us had. It’s been a long process but by really looking at the roots of my insecurities I am making little break throughs with the help of people like you and “God”… meditation and lots of prayer. So grateful to you and your work. Just today I met with a now friend and we both share that similar fear based isolating habit which leaves is lonely and depressed . A year ago I was what I tell people .. the shell of a human being. A failure to my children and to myself and to God.
Fortunately, that hasn’t been an issue for several years now as I finally discovered that allowing yourself to be vulnerable with confidence creates a profound presence that directly impacts the world around you. It frees you from the inside out. I’m most grateful and humbled by my experiences…
Hiding what I don’t like or fear about myself means I am existing without true authenticity, being someone I am not, burying or suffocating my true self. This leads to being in a relationship with a veneer of dishonesty and insecurity.
I feel inadequate and not good enough for my closed ones. I want them to be proud of me but I don’t think they are. Fear is definitely a factor I have. I have all the freedom and time to try new endeavors but fear is drawing me bck. Being persistent enough to convince my loved ones to share my passion on wellbeing and health
I feel I am not smart enough or a fraud sometimes. I feel when I try to cover this up my relationships take on a feeling of being less true and a sadness comes over me because I put a false front forward in an effort to hide my faults.
i dont pursue or maintain relationships. Im closed off from everyone. I feel like Im missing out on something even though I enjoy solitude. I have difficulty being in any situation where I feel vulnerable. As a result I am reclusive and solitary.
I feel guilt because I think my family want to know me better but I feel unworthy of their love.
I have a core that still believes I am ultimately unlovable, and so I prevent the formation of intimate relationships because I’m afraid that, ultimately, I’ll be proven right. The starts from the physical – I believe my body is flawed, and not beautiful, though I pretend that it is, and I have avoided physical intimacy for years now because of it, do I make a million excuses for why I have been alone.
Thank you so very much. This was amazing and insightful. This year I became aware that some of my old self-esteem issues have surfaced. I have been clean and sober 39 years. My coping mechanism in a “dysfunctional” family was to disassociate, however I do remember being in high school with 2 best friends. One day I was at the home of one girl friend, and I remember thinking that she would have a much better time if she was with our other friend.
A psychic once referred to my social anxiety and I realized that I am both shy and outgoing, depending on the occasion. As I reenter the AA community after many years sober as an “old-timer” I am aware that I want to be liked and accepted. I have often not felt that in my life so yes, am working at being vulnerable.
I pretty often feel a tightness in the chest where feelings reside. Sometimes I have panicked which doesn’t help. Of recent breathing practices have helped and given me more confidence that this is a passing sensation and warmth has ensued thank God!
When I refrain from sharing my most personal self with others, I sense that they suspect/feel they’re not hearing ‘the whole truth’ from me – and that I might be lying to them.
Partners needing more emotional/mental input from me than what I receive.
Mostly due to their props of alcohol. Now partners also connect a lot with their cell phones. There are a lot more distractions for partners to connect to these days. Instead of like when my Mum and Dad who connected and supported each other.
Why can’t men(in my case) connect to their partners instead of needing all the support and not giving much in return.
I think that this hiding results in me not trusting that people really like me. Sometimes I think that if I never saw a particular friend again, I’d be fine with that and have no feeling of loss, just a feeling of relief. Then I’m hard on myself for feeling so hard-hearted, unloving, uncaring.
Tami Dockendorf, Another Field, Buckeye, AZ, USAsays
Because I unconsciously project my insecurities about what I look like onto others. That may come out in over-controlling a situation or lack of empathy. I’m unable to be truly present in the moment, or in conversations.
Avalon Dreamer, Another Field, San Diego, CA, USAsays
I have been disliked by various people throughout my life just for being myself so I often hide myself, my wants and needs, and try to be what I think others will want and like in a person. I try to be helpful and sacrifice what I want to accomodate others. I then expect appreciation in return, which is completely unrealisitic.
I hide that I feel little, and don’t know what to do, and feel awk. so I avoid closeness, eye contact.. I avoid taking risks in connection. I deeply long for it, yet often feel confused ,overwhelmed and trapped once I’m there. so I am mostly alone.
Alexis Bierman, Counseling, SAN ANTONIO, TX, USAsays
I don’t want people to know how scared/angry/sad I am. I’ve been hiding this for a long time. Thank you for helping me see this hidden part of myself. She’s been locked in a closet (literally in early childhood) and until recently in my mind too….that is a long time to be stewing….it is no wonder she’s upset.
This was good to hear and receive. Thank you.
I wear my heart in my sleeve and express openly so I will pay closer attention now to become aware of what I hide about myself…oh yes, I don’t like to feel vulnerable or have to depend too much on others. Thanks for greater awareness!
I try to be true to myself and have needed to build my own self worth due to a dysfunctional childhood. I am sensitive when I feel I am under attack so I need to work on that
When we hide what we do not like about ourselves then we are in non acceptance of these parts and so when seen in another (the mirror) we become uncomfortable and intolerant.
for example, if feeling vulnerable is something my client or myself finds unacceptable and so they pretend to be strong so as not to show vulnerability then more often than not they will not be able to accept vulnerability in another. This can cause all sorts of issues in relationships as this plays out.
Karen FitzGerald, Another Field, Bellingham, WA, USAsays
I so wish I COULD hide what I don’t like about myself. But I can’t. I am so awkward, and shy, and clueless about how to do the social dance, that I utterly fail at making the initial contacts that could potentially lead to friendship. And I end up left out while others easily talk, connect, hug, bond. I feel like I have no skill to present a persona that is NOT my authentic self, and my authentic self is so uninteresting and undesirable that I become invisible to others, and my needs for connection are utterly unmet.
I have been withdrawing for years from people while I did the big job of caring for and rehabilitating my mother who had her leg amputated at 83. I lost my partner, home, business as well thanks to covid during that time. I feel like a looser and even my closest friends have given me up. What to do?
I often doubt that I am worth other’s time and energy and feel that I may have little to offer. Then I have periods when I feel so good about being part of something larger than myself, and the “flow” of kindness and caring that my close relationships bring. My children say I try to control everything, but this is a symptom of my fear of not being prepared to give my best self. I’d say fear is at the heart of most of my self-criticism and self-doubt.
Trying to hide some aspects of my personnality makes me sometimes agressive or responding too much to what I consider as a critism.
And I am afraid it’s becoming worst with years.
My ‘not good enoughness’ or ‘not being lovable’ oftentimes results in isolation and/or feeling a deep loneliness.
I withdraw from contact, isolate myself when instead my true wish is to have more contact.
What I don’t like about myself is that I am not as vulnerable or open hearted with people as I want to be, I think I don’t communicate well and I often can’t read other people’s feelings. I am shy and I have social anxiety. I don’t keep friends for very long. So, what I don’t like about myself is that I am not very likable.
As i am not fully there, won’t work
My insecurities can cause me to hold back from being spontaneous and free. Fear of judgement also prevents me from always being my authentic self. I’m working on not comparing myself to others by always using the mantra, “Being is enough.”
Dearest Tara, such a good vidéo.
I realise more than ever that, what is between me and being happy is the lack of Confidence in myself and, my judgemental mind that gets in the way of my relationship with my husband.
It doesn’t have to be that way.
Why should I blame him ?
He is not the one to blame for what I have been through before I met him.
He is the one who, believed in me when, I didn’t.
He is such a wonderful soul.
Bless Him.
I need to cultivate more Gratitude and, be more open to receive and, give.
Namaste
I don’t bring my full self into relationships, just the bits I think will be acceptable. That makes me not fully present to others because I am so careful watching my words and actions.
My feeling of not being good enough or lovable makes people recoil I think
The authenticity of who you really are is somewhat hidden from them. So there has to be hidden trust issues buried within the relationship know or not.
Makes me dislike the “they” and become very resentful, angry and upset especially if I perceive they feel superior and have abused my generosity . This is especially true if , by my judgement , I have sacrificed my own enjoyment and achievements in caring for them in a physical sense .
I hide insecurities and fear. I’ve not had success in intimate relationships because of it. Fear runs my life a lot in private and is a major contributing factor in little social life for me.
I’m about to embark on a new adventure with a new partner. I really want to get this right in this lifetime. I’m 68!
Thanks Tara
I hide shame behind guilt and that behind fear. It makes me less available to others, but that is not sustainable. So, I have a facade where I am high functioning, have to be there for others and help them solve problems. It takes a toll on me. I feel it making my mind sluggish. It takes the joy out of ordinary moments. I then double down on my inability to receive and accept appreciation and words of affirmation, even when I ask for them. I am judging myself for what I see as my own duplicitous behaviour. The punishment for that behaviour of not being authentic to myself or to others, is to deny myself appreciation and love. But I am happy to give love to others. Now that this dynamic is clear, I am working on calming these voices in my head and telling myself that it is okay to receive love. When I remember, instead of responding from my people pleasing side, I try to say what I want to in that moment. It’s relief-creating work and I am hopeful for ongoing progress.
Thank you.
My feelings and emotions needs were not met in childhood so you numb yourself
throughout your life, it must be me not good enough wrong I am good enough
just the way I am.Iam in control of myself. A lot of hard work to have a
loving relationship with one self first.
Makes me tired and sad, which means I can’t participate fully in the relationship or be creative about how to enjoy our time more.
I’m am petrified to make any close connection with anyone. I tried so hard with me ex sharing the same, he wasn’t available to be intimate emotionally with me. I knew it was his own buried pain and I begged for us to get help but he refused. Now I’m really working backwards a bit. I’ve always been insecure and fearful of others. Never was I good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, all the “isms” that a lot of us had. It’s been a long process but by really looking at the roots of my insecurities I am making little break throughs with the help of people like you and “God”… meditation and lots of prayer. So grateful to you and your work. Just today I met with a now friend and we both share that similar fear based isolating habit which leaves is lonely and depressed . A year ago I was what I tell people .. the shell of a human being. A failure to my children and to myself and to God.
Fortunately, that hasn’t been an issue for several years now as I finally discovered that allowing yourself to be vulnerable with confidence creates a profound presence that directly impacts the world around you. It frees you from the inside out. I’m most grateful and humbled by my experiences…
Hiding what I don’t like or fear about myself means I am existing without true authenticity, being someone I am not, burying or suffocating my true self. This leads to being in a relationship with a veneer of dishonesty and insecurity.
I feel inadequate and not good enough for my closed ones. I want them to be proud of me but I don’t think they are. Fear is definitely a factor I have. I have all the freedom and time to try new endeavors but fear is drawing me bck. Being persistent enough to convince my loved ones to share my passion on wellbeing and health
I sabotage myself in my relationship when I’m judgemental and insecure.
I feel I am not smart enough or a fraud sometimes. I feel when I try to cover this up my relationships take on a feeling of being less true and a sadness comes over me because I put a false front forward in an effort to hide my faults.
i dont pursue or maintain relationships. Im closed off from everyone. I feel like Im missing out on something even though I enjoy solitude. I have difficulty being in any situation where I feel vulnerable. As a result I am reclusive and solitary.
I feel guilt because I think my family want to know me better but I feel unworthy of their love.
I turn away and do for myself, which does not help with feelings of not being supported.
I look old. I don’t feel attractive.
I have a core that still believes I am ultimately unlovable, and so I prevent the formation of intimate relationships because I’m afraid that, ultimately, I’ll be proven right. The starts from the physical – I believe my body is flawed, and not beautiful, though I pretend that it is, and I have avoided physical intimacy for years now because of it, do I make a million excuses for why I have been alone.
Thank you so very much. This was amazing and insightful. This year I became aware that some of my old self-esteem issues have surfaced. I have been clean and sober 39 years. My coping mechanism in a “dysfunctional” family was to disassociate, however I do remember being in high school with 2 best friends. One day I was at the home of one girl friend, and I remember thinking that she would have a much better time if she was with our other friend.
A psychic once referred to my social anxiety and I realized that I am both shy and outgoing, depending on the occasion. As I reenter the AA community after many years sober as an “old-timer” I am aware that I want to be liked and accepted. I have often not felt that in my life so yes, am working at being vulnerable.
I pretty often feel a tightness in the chest where feelings reside. Sometimes I have panicked which doesn’t help. Of recent breathing practices have helped and given me more confidence that this is a passing sensation and warmth has ensued thank God!
When I refrain from sharing my most personal self with others, I sense that they suspect/feel they’re not hearing ‘the whole truth’ from me – and that I might be lying to them.
Insecurity, not feeling good about myself
Partners needing more emotional/mental input from me than what I receive.
Mostly due to their props of alcohol. Now partners also connect a lot with their cell phones. There are a lot more distractions for partners to connect to these days. Instead of like when my Mum and Dad who connected and supported each other.
Why can’t men(in my case) connect to their partners instead of needing all the support and not giving much in return.
It stifles spontaneity and joy.
We look for validation from a person and it may not come. We, therefore, feel worse
I think that this hiding results in me not trusting that people really like me. Sometimes I think that if I never saw a particular friend again, I’d be fine with that and have no feeling of loss, just a feeling of relief. Then I’m hard on myself for feeling so hard-hearted, unloving, uncaring.
Because I unconsciously project my insecurities about what I look like onto others. That may come out in over-controlling a situation or lack of empathy. I’m unable to be truly present in the moment, or in conversations.
I have been disliked by various people throughout my life just for being myself so I often hide myself, my wants and needs, and try to be what I think others will want and like in a person. I try to be helpful and sacrifice what I want to accomodate others. I then expect appreciation in return, which is completely unrealisitic.
I hide that I feel little, and don’t know what to do, and feel awk. so I avoid closeness, eye contact.. I avoid taking risks in connection. I deeply long for it, yet often feel confused ,overwhelmed and trapped once I’m there. so I am mostly alone.
I don’t want people to know how scared/angry/sad I am. I’ve been hiding this for a long time. Thank you for helping me see this hidden part of myself. She’s been locked in a closet (literally in early childhood) and until recently in my mind too….that is a long time to be stewing….it is no wonder she’s upset.
I feel more disconnected from myself and the other person, more tense, less able to fully present. Fosters feelings of resentment over time
This was good to hear and receive. Thank you.
I wear my heart in my sleeve and express openly so I will pay closer attention now to become aware of what I hide about myself…oh yes, I don’t like to feel vulnerable or have to depend too much on others. Thanks for greater awareness!
I become withdrawn like I am not good enough for someone else’s standards. I drift into feelings of isolation to try and hide neediness
I try to be true to myself and have needed to build my own self worth due to a dysfunctional childhood. I am sensitive when I feel I am under attack so I need to work on that
It makes me sad that I am not what they wanted. It is like, I chose you but you didnot live up to why I chose you
When we hide what we do not like about ourselves then we are in non acceptance of these parts and so when seen in another (the mirror) we become uncomfortable and intolerant.
for example, if feeling vulnerable is something my client or myself finds unacceptable and so they pretend to be strong so as not to show vulnerability then more often than not they will not be able to accept vulnerability in another. This can cause all sorts of issues in relationships as this plays out.
I isolate
My immaturity is why I judge myself. I don’t know what to accept
I so wish I COULD hide what I don’t like about myself. But I can’t. I am so awkward, and shy, and clueless about how to do the social dance, that I utterly fail at making the initial contacts that could potentially lead to friendship. And I end up left out while others easily talk, connect, hug, bond. I feel like I have no skill to present a persona that is NOT my authentic self, and my authentic self is so uninteresting and undesirable that I become invisible to others, and my needs for connection are utterly unmet.
I feel disconnected
It keeps me at arm’s length from the people I love. I can’t withhold just one part of myself.