Thank you Tara. I really
Apprefiated yoir talk, your clarity and you centredness. I worry thst my partner ans thise close to me uf they got to know me they too woyld realise im not real, on rhe oitside i might be all these things to them but on the indisde i nobabby anf now enough. Then they will leave
Just wondering — do we move from self-judgment to self-acceptance, or do we move from self-judgment to becoming aware that self-judgment, and ultimately the self itself, are fabrications created in childhood as coping mechanisms?
Hope Kanaley, Another Field, North Tustin, CA, USAsays
I can live in fear of being “discovered”, and being rejected. Keeps relationships superficial & less satisfying. It is even difficult to offer these thoughts, in public!
Not liking the self can be negativity(violence) turned inward. This can leave a person feeling isolated with this negative impression of the self, sometimes writing stories in the head that evolve from this experience of living “down” to the negative messaging. This also results in that individual layering more “mud” to cover that original goodness we are all born with. Isolating with negative self talk and living outwardly on auto pilot can leave an invisible chasm between the individual and loved ones.
Thank you for the work you do, Tara, and for the many generous opportunities for those of us who appreciate listening to your talks and growing as professionals and as individuals within the communities we inhabit. Kathleen
Usually I end up irritated and stuck in my thoughts. That doesn’t help contribute to the relationship. I am not present.
When I change my thoughts, or at least know I’m aware of them, I am more present and communication is better.
There is no ability to be genuine if you’re trying to hide. I tried to hide but not to be disgenuine but to protect myself. I hear in your talk, my path toward reclaiming my inner self entails learning a new way, an authentic way that requires exposing a part of me that has repeatedly been rejected and scored and beaten… God says be strong and courageous but he can’t do this for me. I can use His strength but I have to this. I am taking notes and we’ll share these with my trauma therapist. thank you for caring so much you would make these valuable insights available.
It put an aspekt of tension on the interaction with other people and tippning on my toes wich make me feel exhausted after these meetings. It leaves me with an after taste of same and questioning about if I have revealed anything that the other people can use against me, that can accelerate an aspekt of jugement that will make them end our friendship .
When I feel good about myself, I feel closer and more accepting towards others. This is always evident to me. So when I feel down and want to isolate, I look inward, sit with myself in silence, and pay attention to the underlying feeling tones. What is it? Let myself cry if needed (more helpful than I anticipate). I hug the inner child and bring her home.
In the past I experienced it as physical discomfort, restlessness and anxiety I I felt disconnected. The conflicts were more intense and fears appeared, in the end distance was generated although I was not so aware of it and it also affected my relationship with myself (low self-esteem, guilt, unworthiness, etc.). It was very hard and frustrating, very painful.
I am currently working on self-love in order to create more harmonious, authentic and healthy relationships.
I feel split: happy to be free as a community builder for middle-schooler MakerSpace but careful because my partner supports me and I don’t want him to stop supporting me!
Melissa Craven, Marriage/Family Therapy, San francisco, CA, USAsays
Distrusting self= mind reading others, building up whole stories about how they are perceived. Resentment and disconnection follow. BUT it’s possible to note and build in compassionate any point.
Joe Caparco, Another Field, Charlestown , RI, USAsays
It affects my most critical relationship- the relationship to myself. I just want to escape my body and dissolve. I get fearful, anxious, alone, hopeless
I really do not think I am enough and I abandon people. I feel shame about this. I may be changing though, I see this and am working on it. I have a lot of trauma in my background and had cPTSD but got professional help. I am a work in progress.
They feel isolated, lonely and more controlled/less free to be themselves.
They lose closeness, connection, trust and intimacy in their relationships. Their partners are likely to pull away because the bond that connected them earlier slow erodes
I don’t feel fully present….not all there.
It’s not ok to not like myself…I “should” accept myself, warts and all! There’s a lack of authenticity when I hide, so it limits the fuller connection possible in relationship.
Maybe what I hide is what I dont like about myself or think others dont like. When I do that I don let my authentic self go out, I cannot give the best of myself because of shame. And the relationship may be affected with a lack of authenticity or acceptance…
Selfcritisism spreads and others are hurt…as I am trying to hide that I am probably not doing enough for the benefit of the Earth and all living beings. A strange paradox.
I don’t like to show weakness or neediness…I like to present as wholly capable, as the one other people can depend upon…so I will be needed by them. When, in fact, inside, I am crying to be “taken care of,” myself. Taken care of in a motherly way–literally fed, hugged, put down for a nap, put to bed, like a child, read to…to be back in my grandma’s home–that feeling. Then, my inner critic just spits, “Pathetic!” Oh, Lord, is it ever painful. And shame ridden, so shame ridden.
Start somewhereI forgot the question in this dhortcsmounnt of time.
I am. Delighted that I can repost my comments here.
He doesn’t hear well. He doesn’t mind that he often doesn’t hear me, and will not let me know he hasn’t heard me. I only live in the same house.
thanks so much for keeping it simple. I have a client who is struggling some much with this, and her need to take a job she feels is beneath her sense of self I believe has triggered her to be acting out at work in a way she has virtually alienated 90% of workforce.
Therese Miller, Teacher, Fredericksburg, VA, USAsays
I’m a jealous person…. afraid everyone in my life will find out that I have no worth; that I’m unintelligent and don’t deserve their love or attention.
It will effect the communication in the relationships. They will be less accepting towards others because they haven’t done it for themselves yet. When I fell less accepting of others I always feel the call to look more deeply within to see what I need to accept in myself or why I find it hard to accept what I noticed in the other.
It made me realise that I don’t feel that I am good enough. I always work super hard at whatever I do to make sure it looks perfect in case others find out that I am not really as good as they think. Not as relaxed and open as I would like to be either in my life or with others.
Sometimes the children of a couple can see what ‘s going on with the adults before they do. They can see right through us, but most of us aren’t humble enough to let our kids evaluate us and guide us. As a psychologist, would you approve pf a book that helps kids articulate what is going on with the parents (as a couple), and normalizes alternative methods of healing a couple?
When who I am is not accepted by others my system reverts back to the original traumas. I was orphaned by abandonment. Therefore, I abandon others when I am not acceptable to them. I go into isolation.
Pamela d'Sophia, Social Work, Oakland, CA, USAsays
They never seem to trust the other person to know them. But its fundamentally that they don’t trust, accept and love themselves. Therefore, the relationship suffers from a lack of authentic intimacy.
It’s the key to disconnection. By hiding parts of yourself, you lose the opportunity to understand yourself or the other person deeper (and vice versa). That being said, timing is very significant and oversharing is a real destructive force itself.
Never enough…..birth defect, chronic pain hidden behind smiles and laughter. Staying silent, listening to others and helping them when asked, because of the creativity developed in the Silence…..being taught to never complain because it makes others uncomfortable. Not trusting that others will care enough to want to help, because of chronic PTSD from childhood. No matter how unique and playful my creative endeavors which helps my chronic pain….it’s, therefore I am, never enough. Shame that keeps me hidden. It’s easy to connect with how others feel, but difficult to express myself, a combination of agony and ecstasy…hidden.
Thank you for all that you do. I’ve been your student since 2014.
I’ve learned tons. I share your teachings with my counselor and doctor.
I don’t hide anything in my relationships. I am engaged fully with others.
Perhaps too much….I do not believe that’s a problem as I accept my vulnerabilities as a human being.
I have some health issues. I don’t want people to see the embarrassing side of them. I also think I’m selfish because I don’t want to get into reciprocal situations where I feel I should invite people over to my house when I get tired and overwhelmed. I feel I use others at times.
When clients hide what they dislike in themselves, their personal relationships likewise suffer from this theme of dishonesty and distraction.
The more intimate an interpersonal relationship is, the more it typically tends to be an extension of (how we view) ourselves.
Hence, not being upfront in themself ABOUT themself, will only inevitably in time reflect back in “whitewashing” or likewise “hiding” in their relationships.
It normalises being totally honest, as well as excusing it and condoning it.
The quality of connection – and integrity of their bond – will also of course be coloured by this dynamic. They may suffer from a sense of lack or/of authenticity.
Thank you Tara. I really
Apprefiated yoir talk, your clarity and you centredness. I worry thst my partner ans thise close to me uf they got to know me they too woyld realise im not real, on rhe oitside i might be all these things to them but on the indisde i nobabby anf now enough. Then they will leave
Just wondering — do we move from self-judgment to self-acceptance, or do we move from self-judgment to becoming aware that self-judgment, and ultimately the self itself, are fabrications created in childhood as coping mechanisms?
I can live in fear of being “discovered”, and being rejected. Keeps relationships superficial & less satisfying. It is even difficult to offer these thoughts, in public!
The magic occurs when partners can offer each other support for their deepest misgivings about themselves.
Lack of trust and extremely high expectations.
It makes my relationships more complicated, and I feel that there is nothing that can help me and us in that situation.
Not liking the self can be negativity(violence) turned inward. This can leave a person feeling isolated with this negative impression of the self, sometimes writing stories in the head that evolve from this experience of living “down” to the negative messaging. This also results in that individual layering more “mud” to cover that original goodness we are all born with. Isolating with negative self talk and living outwardly on auto pilot can leave an invisible chasm between the individual and loved ones.
Thank you for the work you do, Tara, and for the many generous opportunities for those of us who appreciate listening to your talks and growing as professionals and as individuals within the communities we inhabit. Kathleen
Usually I end up irritated and stuck in my thoughts. That doesn’t help contribute to the relationship. I am not present.
When I change my thoughts, or at least know I’m aware of them, I am more present and communication is better.
There is no ability to be genuine if you’re trying to hide. I tried to hide but not to be disgenuine but to protect myself. I hear in your talk, my path toward reclaiming my inner self entails learning a new way, an authentic way that requires exposing a part of me that has repeatedly been rejected and scored and beaten… God says be strong and courageous but he can’t do this for me. I can use His strength but I have to this. I am taking notes and we’ll share these with my trauma therapist. thank you for caring so much you would make these valuable insights available.
Disconnect & disengagement occurs with false perception by partner!
It put an aspekt of tension on the interaction with other people and tippning on my toes wich make me feel exhausted after these meetings. It leaves me with an after taste of same and questioning about if I have revealed anything that the other people can use against me, that can accelerate an aspekt of jugement that will make them end our friendship .
When I feel good about myself, I feel closer and more accepting towards others. This is always evident to me. So when I feel down and want to isolate, I look inward, sit with myself in silence, and pay attention to the underlying feeling tones. What is it? Let myself cry if needed (more helpful than I anticipate). I hug the inner child and bring her home.
In the past I experienced it as physical discomfort, restlessness and anxiety I I felt disconnected. The conflicts were more intense and fears appeared, in the end distance was generated although I was not so aware of it and it also affected my relationship with myself (low self-esteem, guilt, unworthiness, etc.). It was very hard and frustrating, very painful.
I am currently working on self-love in order to create more harmonious, authentic and healthy relationships.
Beautiful session. Thank you Tara 🙏🏻
it creates an invisible but real barrier resulting in a fracture of connection
They create distance between themselves and their partner
I feel split: happy to be free as a community builder for middle-schooler MakerSpace but careful because my partner supports me and I don’t want him to stop supporting me!
Distrusting self= mind reading others, building up whole stories about how they are perceived. Resentment and disconnection follow. BUT it’s possible to note and build in compassionate any point.
It affects my most critical relationship- the relationship to myself. I just want to escape my body and dissolve. I get fearful, anxious, alone, hopeless
I really do not think I am enough and I abandon people. I feel shame about this. I may be changing though, I see this and am working on it. I have a lot of trauma in my background and had cPTSD but got professional help. I am a work in progress.
Hiding myself in any way is dishonest, and sooner or later becomes toxic to relationships.
I will become over-guarded, not wanting to make a mistake, take less chances in conversations until I can get the lay of the land.
They feel isolated, lonely and more controlled/less free to be themselves.
They lose closeness, connection, trust and intimacy in their relationships. Their partners are likely to pull away because the bond that connected them earlier slow erodes
I don’t feel fully present….not all there.
It’s not ok to not like myself…I “should” accept myself, warts and all! There’s a lack of authenticity when I hide, so it limits the fuller connection possible in relationship.
Maybe what I hide is what I dont like about myself or think others dont like. When I do that I don let my authentic self go out, I cannot give the best of myself because of shame. And the relationship may be affected with a lack of authenticity or acceptance…
Selfcritisism spreads and others are hurt…as I am trying to hide that I am probably not doing enough for the benefit of the Earth and all living beings. A strange paradox.
I don’t like to show weakness or neediness…I like to present as wholly capable, as the one other people can depend upon…so I will be needed by them. When, in fact, inside, I am crying to be “taken care of,” myself. Taken care of in a motherly way–literally fed, hugged, put down for a nap, put to bed, like a child, read to…to be back in my grandma’s home–that feeling. Then, my inner critic just spits, “Pathetic!” Oh, Lord, is it ever painful. And shame ridden, so shame ridden.
Our relationships are inauthentic, superficial, and never genuine.
Start somewhereI forgot the question in this dhortcsmounnt of time.
I am. Delighted that I can repost my comments here.
He doesn’t hear well. He doesn’t mind that he often doesn’t hear me, and will not let me know he hasn’t heard me. I only live in the same house.
thanks so much for keeping it simple. I have a client who is struggling some much with this, and her need to take a job she feels is beneath her sense of self I believe has triggered her to be acting out at work in a way she has virtually alienated 90% of workforce.
I’m looking forward to the next video as identifying the challenge is one thing but effective ways of supporting inner change are something else.
Lack of intimacy because of not being real. Becoming strangers to one another.
thank you Tara. knowing the inner conflict has not been enough to move forward. I feel a new openness may now be available. Thanks.
N/C
I’m a jealous person…. afraid everyone in my life will find out that I have no worth; that I’m unintelligent and don’t deserve their love or attention.
It will effect the communication in the relationships. They will be less accepting towards others because they haven’t done it for themselves yet. When I fell less accepting of others I always feel the call to look more deeply within to see what I need to accept in myself or why I find it hard to accept what I noticed in the other.
I put on a veneer of confidence, so that they don’t realise I
am worthless
It made me realise that I don’t feel that I am good enough. I always work super hard at whatever I do to make sure it looks perfect in case others find out that I am not really as good as they think. Not as relaxed and open as I would like to be either in my life or with others.
Sometimes the children of a couple can see what ‘s going on with the adults before they do. They can see right through us, but most of us aren’t humble enough to let our kids evaluate us and guide us. As a psychologist, would you approve pf a book that helps kids articulate what is going on with the parents (as a couple), and normalizes alternative methods of healing a couple?
When who I am is not accepted by others my system reverts back to the original traumas. I was orphaned by abandonment. Therefore, I abandon others when I am not acceptable to them. I go into isolation.
I fear that i wont be accepted and loved.
It creates distance, and therefore the relationship is more shallow.
I fail to be genuine and end up distancing myself from others and failing to enter a relationship at depth.
Hiding my belief that I’m stupid strains my interactions with others.
thank you so much
it was very enlightening to learn how criticism from others comes from their own insecurities
Stops an opportunity for depth
They never seem to trust the other person to know them. But its fundamentally that they don’t trust, accept and love themselves. Therefore, the relationship suffers from a lack of authentic intimacy.
It’s the key to disconnection. By hiding parts of yourself, you lose the opportunity to understand yourself or the other person deeper (and vice versa). That being said, timing is very significant and oversharing is a real destructive force itself.
Never enough…..birth defect, chronic pain hidden behind smiles and laughter. Staying silent, listening to others and helping them when asked, because of the creativity developed in the Silence…..being taught to never complain because it makes others uncomfortable. Not trusting that others will care enough to want to help, because of chronic PTSD from childhood. No matter how unique and playful my creative endeavors which helps my chronic pain….it’s, therefore I am, never enough. Shame that keeps me hidden. It’s easy to connect with how others feel, but difficult to express myself, a combination of agony and ecstasy…hidden.
Hi Tara!
Thank you for all that you do. I’ve been your student since 2014.
I’ve learned tons. I share your teachings with my counselor and doctor.
I don’t hide anything in my relationships. I am engaged fully with others.
Perhaps too much….I do not believe that’s a problem as I accept my vulnerabilities as a human being.
Namaste Tara!
Pretending all the time, not feeling worthy, self judgement can be a lonely place.🙏
I have some health issues. I don’t want people to see the embarrassing side of them. I also think I’m selfish because I don’t want to get into reciprocal situations where I feel I should invite people over to my house when I get tired and overwhelmed. I feel I use others at times.
When clients hide what they dislike in themselves, their personal relationships likewise suffer from this theme of dishonesty and distraction.
The more intimate an interpersonal relationship is, the more it typically tends to be an extension of (how we view) ourselves.
Hence, not being upfront in themself ABOUT themself, will only inevitably in time reflect back in “whitewashing” or likewise “hiding” in their relationships.
It normalises being totally honest, as well as excusing it and condoning it.
The quality of connection – and integrity of their bond – will also of course be coloured by this dynamic. They may suffer from a sense of lack or/of authenticity.