I keep having stupid arguments that blow out of proportion, this has been going on for years. It leaves us exhausted, mentally and physically drained. I feel inadequate, not understood, less worthy, and m too sensitive, I cry for everything.
I sometimes hesitate to raise my voice to be heard (my true word) when making decisions with others. I can often put others’ needs before my own. I am learning to speak freely with care, to respect, love, and honor myself. I give so much love to everyone else, yet often fail to give it to myself. Self-love (self compassion) is my intention.
Insecure, so empathetic, too much so. separated, lonely. I don’t fit in with others. Too sensitive and complex for anyone to get me.. Like the shame from my childhood still holds onto me after over 40 years working on myself. Like practicing oneness with all separates me and keeps me alone.
It makes me not want to confront and talk about what is at the deepest part of my soul. it is constantly getting in the way of the therapy I have “been in” since just before the pandemic. On one level I know my therapist “gets” that I have a hard time revealing my self, but knowing that doesn’t seem to help me feel ok about talking. Its especially hard right now because I’ve asked for an extra session each week because my son just died last week from complications of alcohol addiction.
I am so raw, but can’t communicate that because I feel like a robot and usually always have whenever I talk about myself in a therapy setting.
Loved your short video and totally agree with what you said.
What I confirmed just listening is something about my partner, his agression towards me and others is his unworthiness. He surely must feel like a failure, although he has so many habilities.
It is good to have this in mind , so when agressive talk appears……I am conscious it is his unworthiness talking.
Thank you
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, I think I project, while imagining that I will be found out. E.g. I don’t like that I am indecisive, so I feel the need to justify all my decisions, or I imagine eveyone can see the flaws or tiresome convolutions in how I think. But the bottom line is that hiding perpetuates disconnection and fear of being seen.
Thank you so much for your generosity, Tara.
Projection and assumption. I tend to believe my partner is thinking the thoughts that I myself think and tend to assume that he feels the way I feel about myself. It has such a disconnecting effect and is also really hard to recognize when I’m doing it at times.
Thank you. This resonates with me as I continue to get over the greatest heartache from the most intimate of all my relationships ending. I’ve been nearly grieving as though he died. It’s been three years and I’m still not able to move on. His decision to leave paralyzed me. Realizing that he too suffered from self judgment and self criticism is enlightening because I can let go of all the blame he placed on me for the problems in our relationship. I have been practicing mindfulness to the best of my abilities for over 10 years in different relationships in various times to various degrees of success. And yet Tara’s short video has opened my eyes and my heart to my own pain and inability to recognize the self harm and self hate deeply rooted and entrenched whenever I approach others. It’s as if I need daily reminders to stay on track. I could listen to her all day and look forward to the next video in this series.
When I hide my vulnerabilities, I am not being myself, and when I am not being myself, then what comes across is a being that’s swathed in a layer of fear. This comes in the way of an honest relationship with the other.
At my job, there are three employees. Our time at work used to overlap, and we would see each other and enjoy each other’s company while discussing what needs to be done. Since the pandemic, we never see each other. Our time at work is separate and we each work alone. It seems like we all resent one another now.
I’m very tired of feeling contempt for people whom I used to appreciate. Looking inward at where this contempt comes from, I worry that I’m falling behind. I worry that no matter how hard I work, I might not be setting them up properly, and I’m not getting any positive feedback to tell me otherwise. In turn, they don’t often set me up properly, and I give them no feedback. I just mutter to myself and let it fester. My resentment towards my co-workers seems to stem from the fact that I feel like I’m letting them down, so I work harder, and I assume that they aren’t feeling that same pressure, so they must be slacking off.
I always look forward to the chance to improve negative situations such as this, and bringing mindful empathy will surely help.
I have ADHD and have been socially awkward my whole life, often saying the wrong thing or weird things. I am pretty closed down because I have been made fun of or criticized my whole life. I constantly examine my words to make sure I am saying things in a way that people don’t think I am weird. I also think back on interactions and feel shame or embarrassment that is probably not warranted, but I cannot break this cycle. It’s exhausting.
I was a firefighter and pretended to be tough but I am really very soft. My wife left me after 37 years of married life. Now I am all alone and depressed. I am 62 years old and have no purpose. I don’t want to start over. Please help me.
I feel i am not smart enough, not compare to my husband. So if my children realize of that- if they haven’t yet-, i think thy will not need me. That they will always ask my husband (their dad) for help.
At the core of my spiritual work at this time is dismantling or transforming a chronic, harsh inner critic that assails me at all times. This inner critic probably has been with me since early childhood, having its origins in my saying “if I weren’t such a bad boy, mommy and daddy would be okay”. Then later I internalized the bearing and judgement of a father who loved me, but was dominated by fear of my being poor (due to his experience growing up poor). What I most dislike about myself is my failure to reach my potential in my career of choice, how fear of success/failure, being caught in the inferiority complex and self sabotage has held me back. I am ashamed of it. However, this not esteeming myself has caused harm to my relationship more because I have been unable to say what bothers me and set boundaries when I am upset. If I don’t respect myself, sometimes it feels as if I induce that feeling in my wife. This has lead to me feeling victimized, resentful and shut down. In a state discomfort, I have in the past pursued unwholesome ways of self-soothing. Now that I am not doing that, I am seeking to transform these elements in myself and heal the relationship with my wife. There is much uncertainty.
How can we discover how we look in the eyes of others? Were we to ask would we get an honest answer?
Sometimes I say things I later regret. I ask myself “why the heck did I say that sort of mean thing? (maybe drawing attention to a short-coming in the other person).” Then I realize well if I did this others likely do the same. If I want forgiveness I best give forgiveness and use my unthoughtful behavior as a reminder to be forgiving. Try not to hold onto memories of perceived slights, recognize any mistake others make I likely do too. This can be challenging. Understanding my own shortcomings and learning to be self-forgiving as Tara teaches helps me forgive others. It can be hard work.
Now I have another tool -examine what I see as my own shortcomings and consider how I try to hide them. And we all know just recognizing a flaw doesn’t mean we can fix it but we exacerbate it if it keeps us disconnected. Except for sociopaths, it seems to me every single person wants to give and receive love.
I am caught in a loop of sadness and self judgment because the only person I really wanted to relate to as a partner is caught in a likely loop and has rejected me… I tried to keep the connection going in my heart, but it is often so heavy and such a source of despair… it feels that if I let it go, I let go of the hope of ever being loved and understood… but in a way what I am experiencing now is not being loved and not being understood… I have worked very hard to understand the mechanisms at play in our inter-locking states and survival strategies, which has given me some degree of peace… but I also feel that my quest for deep understanding, is that person’s major reason for rejection… so I guess what I really need to face now is my grief for that dead relationship and let go of my hopes and despair in that regard… accepting that I can only make myself acceptable to myself, by taking care of the deep rooted Shame of being unloved and misunderstood. I find when I do contemplative practices, It really helps to hold those difficult painful parts and find some measure of freedom but the suffering of disconnection is still very strong.
The energy of that kind of withholding eventually is felt by the partner, creates distance, and brings up fundamental questions about the meaning and practice of and absence of love in the relationship.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself reinforces a self-aversion… and makes me less capable of accepting and holding others in compassion. Instead I will lash out at my partner, or feel unable to access my heart when listening to friends share what is troubling them. Hiding what I don’t like about myself keeps me from being able to truly connect.
It is even more challenging when both individuals in the relationship are struggling with acceptance of their own vulnerabilities. Both are stuck, deeply attached to their own ego, and only see the other as the demon. I am curious to learn how to help both shift to see their own inner critic/ demons when blaming of other is far more easier and has become habitual. You would need both open to this concept together , at the same time,which is rare.
When a person is self critical
– they can’t empathise with others
– they project their criticism to others
– this means they can’t see the good in others as they can’t see it in themselves
– the feeling of “I’m not worthy” creates alienating, generating fear and this catches the wheel of catch 22
So how does that affect their relationships?
– the other will not have trust, because in their minds they have become the bad other
– the other misunderstands the non – verbal cues
– will this lead to contempt? Maybe it could
I’m still learning because I’m a medic (paediatrician) , not a psych, but this I feel is helping me understand why there is a very high divorce rate when a disabled child is born in the family.
I isolate from others, feeling like I have nothing to offer.
I know several people that are very creative and I feel like I am not creative.
I want to feel connected to others, but start to reach out and then retreat.
I have been praying to God to help me.
Thank you Tara, your messages are a blessing to me.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself builds a wall between me and my friends and family. I crave the closeness that I am preventing.
It also prohibits me from creating new friendships. I want to engage with others but I feel inadequate.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself from others; I feel disconnected , sad, sometimes I overreact trying to run away from the feeling of unworthiness.
I feel lonely , very serious, lack of humor.
I criticize myself and others,
Thank you finding this topic has been of great help for me today!
It builds a strong barrier completely around me—-like a moat needed to protect a castle. This greatly inhibits my ability not only to express and give love, but also to accept any. This then leaves me unable to form any true connection with any other human beings, leaving me isolated, and eventually self pity, and a whole host of other defects can have the fertile ground on which to flourish.
I have found that hiding my feelings of insecurity has affected my relationship and led me to judge others. Also, listening to criticism from others leads to self criticism and exacerbates the insecurity and feelings of my being able to do anything right.
just thinking out loud, I guess, when we hide what we don’t like about ourselves, then it could be said that we are living a lie, not being true to ourselves due to perhaps fear – of harsh judgement, or being rejected, having our self worth further plummet even further. Living a lie, or hiding aspects of ourselves behind a screen takes a lot of energy, and if precious energy is being used in this way, then there’s less of it for live affirming activity.
When they hide it from themselves, they are also hiding a chunk of who they are within the context of a relationship. Which usually appears as a wall of some sort to their partner.
I get mad at him about stuff that doesn’t matter and forget to give him credit for all the good things he does for me – especially giving me space and trying to understand what makes me happy.
For me I need time alone and my answer to your question is that it might support my wifes criticsm that I am selfish and I dont prioritize our marriage
The importance of connection ..and value that “we are enough” was a message I needed to hear today.. anxious to review this talk again and write words that I would like in my vocabulary
I keep having stupid arguments that blow out of proportion, this has been going on for years. It leaves us exhausted, mentally and physically drained. I feel inadequate, not understood, less worthy, and m too sensitive, I cry for everything.
I have isolated myself and pushed those I care the most about away, convinced I am not worthy of love and belonging.
I sometimes hesitate to raise my voice to be heard (my true word) when making decisions with others. I can often put others’ needs before my own. I am learning to speak freely with care, to respect, love, and honor myself. I give so much love to everyone else, yet often fail to give it to myself. Self-love (self compassion) is my intention.
It keeps me at arm’s length, so to speak, from my husband.. that is it protects me from true intimacy.
Insecure, so empathetic, too much so. separated, lonely. I don’t fit in with others. Too sensitive and complex for anyone to get me.. Like the shame from my childhood still holds onto me after over 40 years working on myself. Like practicing oneness with all separates me and keeps me alone.
It makes me not want to confront and talk about what is at the deepest part of my soul. it is constantly getting in the way of the therapy I have “been in” since just before the pandemic. On one level I know my therapist “gets” that I have a hard time revealing my self, but knowing that doesn’t seem to help me feel ok about talking. Its especially hard right now because I’ve asked for an extra session each week because my son just died last week from complications of alcohol addiction.
I am so raw, but can’t communicate that because I feel like a robot and usually always have whenever I talk about myself in a therapy setting.
Loved your short video and totally agree with what you said.
What I confirmed just listening is something about my partner, his agression towards me and others is his unworthiness. He surely must feel like a failure, although he has so many habilities.
It is good to have this in mind , so when agressive talk appears……I am conscious it is his unworthiness talking.
Thank you
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, I think I project, while imagining that I will be found out. E.g. I don’t like that I am indecisive, so I feel the need to justify all my decisions, or I imagine eveyone can see the flaws or tiresome convolutions in how I think. But the bottom line is that hiding perpetuates disconnection and fear of being seen.
Thank you so much for your generosity, Tara.
Projection and assumption. I tend to believe my partner is thinking the thoughts that I myself think and tend to assume that he feels the way I feel about myself. It has such a disconnecting effect and is also really hard to recognize when I’m doing it at times.
Thank you. This resonates with me as I continue to get over the greatest heartache from the most intimate of all my relationships ending. I’ve been nearly grieving as though he died. It’s been three years and I’m still not able to move on. His decision to leave paralyzed me. Realizing that he too suffered from self judgment and self criticism is enlightening because I can let go of all the blame he placed on me for the problems in our relationship. I have been practicing mindfulness to the best of my abilities for over 10 years in different relationships in various times to various degrees of success. And yet Tara’s short video has opened my eyes and my heart to my own pain and inability to recognize the self harm and self hate deeply rooted and entrenched whenever I approach others. It’s as if I need daily reminders to stay on track. I could listen to her all day and look forward to the next video in this series.
When I hide my vulnerabilities, I am not being myself, and when I am not being myself, then what comes across is a being that’s swathed in a layer of fear. This comes in the way of an honest relationship with the other.
I’m discovering I pretend I’m not smart, so others can feel good about themselves.
At my job, there are three employees. Our time at work used to overlap, and we would see each other and enjoy each other’s company while discussing what needs to be done. Since the pandemic, we never see each other. Our time at work is separate and we each work alone. It seems like we all resent one another now.
I’m very tired of feeling contempt for people whom I used to appreciate. Looking inward at where this contempt comes from, I worry that I’m falling behind. I worry that no matter how hard I work, I might not be setting them up properly, and I’m not getting any positive feedback to tell me otherwise. In turn, they don’t often set me up properly, and I give them no feedback. I just mutter to myself and let it fester. My resentment towards my co-workers seems to stem from the fact that I feel like I’m letting them down, so I work harder, and I assume that they aren’t feeling that same pressure, so they must be slacking off.
I always look forward to the chance to improve negative situations such as this, and bringing mindful empathy will surely help.
I have ADHD and have been socially awkward my whole life, often saying the wrong thing or weird things. I am pretty closed down because I have been made fun of or criticized my whole life. I constantly examine my words to make sure I am saying things in a way that people don’t think I am weird. I also think back on interactions and feel shame or embarrassment that is probably not warranted, but I cannot break this cycle. It’s exhausting.
I was a firefighter and pretended to be tough but I am really very soft. My wife left me after 37 years of married life. Now I am all alone and depressed. I am 62 years old and have no purpose. I don’t want to start over. Please help me.
It makes it impossible for them to be truly known and emotionally available
I think it has a huge impact on any relationship because others want us to be real and authentic. Self-acceptance will help.
I feel i am not smart enough, not compare to my husband. So if my children realize of that- if they haven’t yet-, i think thy will not need me. That they will always ask my husband (their dad) for help.
I appreciate the questions to share with clients.
And myself; I find the healing I experience
positively impacts all my relationships.
Thank You Tara.
At the core of my spiritual work at this time is dismantling or transforming a chronic, harsh inner critic that assails me at all times. This inner critic probably has been with me since early childhood, having its origins in my saying “if I weren’t such a bad boy, mommy and daddy would be okay”. Then later I internalized the bearing and judgement of a father who loved me, but was dominated by fear of my being poor (due to his experience growing up poor). What I most dislike about myself is my failure to reach my potential in my career of choice, how fear of success/failure, being caught in the inferiority complex and self sabotage has held me back. I am ashamed of it. However, this not esteeming myself has caused harm to my relationship more because I have been unable to say what bothers me and set boundaries when I am upset. If I don’t respect myself, sometimes it feels as if I induce that feeling in my wife. This has lead to me feeling victimized, resentful and shut down. In a state discomfort, I have in the past pursued unwholesome ways of self-soothing. Now that I am not doing that, I am seeking to transform these elements in myself and heal the relationship with my wife. There is much uncertainty.
Thank you I ask myself where does it hurt? I can than begin to discern what I am afraid of sharing.
They shut down and become distant. Which only leads to further feelings of being disconnected, lonely, angry, frustrated and fearful.
How can we discover how we look in the eyes of others? Were we to ask would we get an honest answer?
Sometimes I say things I later regret. I ask myself “why the heck did I say that sort of mean thing? (maybe drawing attention to a short-coming in the other person).” Then I realize well if I did this others likely do the same. If I want forgiveness I best give forgiveness and use my unthoughtful behavior as a reminder to be forgiving. Try not to hold onto memories of perceived slights, recognize any mistake others make I likely do too. This can be challenging. Understanding my own shortcomings and learning to be self-forgiving as Tara teaches helps me forgive others. It can be hard work.
Now I have another tool -examine what I see as my own shortcomings and consider how I try to hide them. And we all know just recognizing a flaw doesn’t mean we can fix it but we exacerbate it if it keeps us disconnected. Except for sociopaths, it seems to me every single person wants to give and receive love.
Tara, Thank you . You shine a light on the epidemic of self unworthiness.
I am caught in a loop of sadness and self judgment because the only person I really wanted to relate to as a partner is caught in a likely loop and has rejected me… I tried to keep the connection going in my heart, but it is often so heavy and such a source of despair… it feels that if I let it go, I let go of the hope of ever being loved and understood… but in a way what I am experiencing now is not being loved and not being understood… I have worked very hard to understand the mechanisms at play in our inter-locking states and survival strategies, which has given me some degree of peace… but I also feel that my quest for deep understanding, is that person’s major reason for rejection… so I guess what I really need to face now is my grief for that dead relationship and let go of my hopes and despair in that regard… accepting that I can only make myself acceptable to myself, by taking care of the deep rooted Shame of being unloved and misunderstood. I find when I do contemplative practices, It really helps to hold those difficult painful parts and find some measure of freedom but the suffering of disconnection is still very strong.
For some clients it means avoiding intimate relationships.
The energy of that kind of withholding eventually is felt by the partner, creates distance, and brings up fundamental questions about the meaning and practice of and absence of love in the relationship.
thanks for sharing , helpful ……………. i protect things about myself over n over
and it has effects on my relationships , i self judge often
Hiding what I don’t like about myself reinforces a self-aversion… and makes me less capable of accepting and holding others in compassion. Instead I will lash out at my partner, or feel unable to access my heart when listening to friends share what is troubling them. Hiding what I don’t like about myself keeps me from being able to truly connect.
It is even more challenging when both individuals in the relationship are struggling with acceptance of their own vulnerabilities. Both are stuck, deeply attached to their own ego, and only see the other as the demon. I am curious to learn how to help both shift to see their own inner critic/ demons when blaming of other is far more easier and has become habitual. You would need both open to this concept together , at the same time,which is rare.
When a person is self critical
– they can’t empathise with others
– they project their criticism to others
– this means they can’t see the good in others as they can’t see it in themselves
– the feeling of “I’m not worthy” creates alienating, generating fear and this catches the wheel of catch 22
So how does that affect their relationships?
– the other will not have trust, because in their minds they have become the bad other
– the other misunderstands the non – verbal cues
– will this lead to contempt? Maybe it could
I’m still learning because I’m a medic (paediatrician) , not a psych, but this I feel is helping me understand why there is a very high divorce rate when a disabled child is born in the family.
I isolate from others, feeling like I have nothing to offer.
I know several people that are very creative and I feel like I am not creative.
I want to feel connected to others, but start to reach out and then retreat.
I have been praying to God to help me.
Thank you Tara, your messages are a blessing to me.
Vulnerability is an asset of being human yet it’s been viewed as weakness and so we hide as a self protection !
Hiding what I don’t like about myself builds a wall between me and my friends and family. I crave the closeness that I am preventing.
It also prohibits me from creating new friendships. I want to engage with others but I feel inadequate.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself from others; I feel disconnected , sad, sometimes I overreact trying to run away from the feeling of unworthiness.
I feel lonely , very serious, lack of humor.
I criticize myself and others,
Thank you finding this topic has been of great help for me today!
It builds a strong barrier completely around me—-like a moat needed to protect a castle. This greatly inhibits my ability not only to express and give love, but also to accept any. This then leaves me unable to form any true connection with any other human beings, leaving me isolated, and eventually self pity, and a whole host of other defects can have the fertile ground on which to flourish.
They are protecting their heart which doesn’t allow them to be fully open and available
Thank you for some very powerful messages, particularly the idea of what do we not want others to see about ourselves, our ‘authentic self”.
So true Tara! ❤️
I have found that hiding my feelings of insecurity has affected my relationship and led me to judge others. Also, listening to criticism from others leads to self criticism and exacerbates the insecurity and feelings of my being able to do anything right.
I indulge. I don’t know as much as they think I know. I make mistakes. I can be hypocritical: say one thing, do another.
I hide my loneliness and ugliness, it destroyed my last relationship as I turned those feelings onto my oartner
just thinking out loud, I guess, when we hide what we don’t like about ourselves, then it could be said that we are living a lie, not being true to ourselves due to perhaps fear – of harsh judgement, or being rejected, having our self worth further plummet even further. Living a lie, or hiding aspects of ourselves behind a screen takes a lot of energy, and if precious energy is being used in this way, then there’s less of it for live affirming activity.
When they hide it from themselves, they are also hiding a chunk of who they are within the context of a relationship. Which usually appears as a wall of some sort to their partner.
My self-analysis concurs with Tara’s. Looking forward to second video. Thanks!
I feel inferior to a lot of people
I get mad at him about stuff that doesn’t matter and forget to give him credit for all the good things he does for me – especially giving me space and trying to understand what makes me happy.
Loneliness and disconnect
For me I need time alone and my answer to your question is that it might support my wifes criticsm that I am selfish and I dont prioritize our marriage
The importance of connection ..and value that “we are enough” was a message I needed to hear today.. anxious to review this talk again and write words that I would like in my vocabulary