In many ways. If we can’t be authentic in a safe environment we are incapable of speaking our truths. When we live in sympathetic nervous system we are unable to communicate
This is such a hard question for me. I tend to isolate or retreat when I don’t want others to see my weaknesses- sadness. I am usually very happy/smiley and people often appreciate my positive energy.
The parts of myself that I try to hide are my selfishness, insecurity and lack of creativity. When I try to hide these, I create distance between me and the people I love. I pretend to be someone I’m not and then I get mad at my loved one for not understanding me. I create confusion in the relationship. I also have a hard time hiding these parts of myself consistently so there is an unpredictability that can create fear and an unsafe feeling. People often don’t know which version of Laura they are going to get.
In my personal and professional experience we hide as much of ourselves from ourselves as we hide from others. We can’t consciously reveal to others that which we have hidden from ourselves.
It’s takes time and tenderness to become familiar and feel safe with our hidden parts before we share them. Also those close to us may not welcome such disclosure. It may shine a light on their hidden part which they may not be ready or willing to face.
Karen Bloodworth, Psychotherapy, RIVER RIDGE, LA, USAsays
This video is exactly what I see in my practice. When I refocus the attention back onto each of the individual’s lack self-compassion and teach them how to start the practice of self-love, things start to change. Positivity is now possible. It is wonderful to work with a couple who are able to verbalize what they are feeling and thinking in order to help guide them in a better direction, one that has a different perspective than the one they have been looking at for so long that has created only negativity. Of course, it is very different when working with a couple who are extremely angry and feel the need to criticize the other.
I really like your work Tara, thank you, Karen Bloodworth, NCC, LPC
I have always struggled with a poor self-image. I worry that I’m not interesting enough, attractive enough, secure enough. Even though I have a loving husband, I find myself doubting my worth.
When I hide what they don’t like about me, I basically cease to exist … I don’t pretend to be something different in an attempt to show them whatever it is that I could only guess they want to see … I just stop existing. What a waste of precious time for both of us.
Self-doubt has been something that has limited me throughout my life. I have never felt good about my appearance because my father called me names.
Despite all the work I have done to free myself from those anchors, I am still not totally free.
I think it’s my basic insecurity that I want to hide. It puts up a subtle barrier and keeps me from just being completely real to myself or with others. It’s protective. I know I could be more loving if I would loosen up and be less anxious.
Thank you. So simple a message and so true. Open welcoming and sharing negative beliefs about ourselves that all may have in common dissolves them in the light of love and understanding. A sense of humor and not taking our self judgement (Critic) so seriously is very helpful in balancing it with our sense of self importance. We are all of inestimable loving value to each other!
It can affect their Truthfulness about their pain. They may be more sensitive about their feelings. They are more resistant to changes. They are more fearful
That is an important question. I have never thought about it before. I think by doing so I will make the other person more important than I think I am.
It can also be a way to make difficult relations going easier. The question is whether I will give myself a choice: conscious accommodating or making myself less important
Thank you for that, Tara and all the many things you freely give that nourish my soul.
I live in a granny flat with my daughter, a single mum of a beautiful six year old boy. I do not tell tell her many things like about my health and wellbeing. I feel I will be an added burden to her already busy, stressed life. She has serious mental health issues, anxiety, periodic depression and endless physical illhealth. I feel at 76 I should be able to deal with my own problems that are trivial compared with hers.
I see now that not telling her simply separates us, excluding her from being part of my life.
it affects it negatively by sugercoating the problem. it also reinforces the avoidance aspect by denying their true thoughts making any interaction with a partner or other relationship inauthentic.
I, m twice a widow and a mother of two fantastic daughters and one wonderful granddaughter.
The best moments when life and contacts are flowing, without being too conscious of doing things well.
Thank you Tara for your inspiring talks
Thank you for this wonderful video! The fact that unworthiness is often at the root of the problem is very eye opening. When feelings of unworthiness and insecurity co-exist, then it’s definitely difficult for a relationship to thrive or for a person to allow themselves to express vulnerability. I have had people tell me that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness so they avoid being vulnerable at all costs since they believe the relationship will suffer and even collapse if they are vulnerable vs “strong.” In fact, the ability to be vulnerable and to show people our authentic self will often help and nurture a relationship vs harm it.
I have difficulty understanding the expression of vulnerability. How do we know the other person in not play acting to make themselves appear to be like children? Maybe they express their child-like self. But as an adult, they remain immature and non-commital. Is this a defense mechanism? So their real adult self stays in hiding?
Just quiet in myself as I notice afresh how the sense of absndoned Self brings judgement nd fear inevitably separating awareness of self appreciation. Othering self then just is projected onto near relationships where our family and friends lose us.
I recognise heart opening, sadness nd renewed hope for deepening relationships O have and support in therapeutic ‘witness’ in my clients lacking a sense of ‘being enough’ ‘tis the invisible pandemic of our times
This means they need to put up a wall and put on an act, especially when they are feeling increased dislike of themselves. Intimacy in a relationship requires being vulnerable and authentic. To do this we need to share our shadow side.
They have not yet been reassured, by experiencing some processing of unresolved emotional/mental material, that mindfulness is their natural state, and that they can increasingly assume it as part of their being. In this condition, they are especially vulnerable to unresolved issues in others, despite defending against self-denigration and hiding its existence.
Thank you for your work, but I find the fact that you are reading what you say and not looking at me, very off-putting. It means your eyes are darting about to the words on the bottom of your screen and you are therefore not engaging with me. It lends an air of authenticity to the video, which is not your intention.
My attitude to act as if I know the answers on a lot of things, showing myself as sure, is hiding my fear for not knowing and beiing dependent on someone else.
I hid my irritation boredom anger my lack of interest in intimacy with my partner. I went along . We are now living apart and I feel guilt shame loneliness and a failure at intimate relationships
Their fear to be vulnerable reflects their lack of safety in themselves and the danger they feel in being close to others: a lack of trust. This constant sense of danger erodes their relationships with themselves and others. The relationships are filled with tension and silence which reinforces the alienation and self-loathing my clients often feel.
I often direct my clients to your RAIN meditations, which they report finding useful and I am keen to learn more to help my clients learn to develop self-regulation.
It always creates a distance, to myself, others and the world.
Versus with speaking/ showing up for myself it directly increases the sense of aliveness, being whole- in alignment and connection with the cosmos.
This is so true about one client that I have and her relationships. I want to learn more about this so I might be able to assist her and my other clients, too.
I’ve signed up for this several times but the sound doesn’t work. it looks like it would be very helpful and I would love access this. Is anyone else having this issue?
Hi, I can use these ideas as a daily practice to increase my self compassion and self forgiveness. This then can allow me to be in the present moment with myself and those I love and express my authentic self more fully.
Just appreciating too how using RAIN with my clients has been helpful in supporting clients to language their felt sense nd slow down.
More in Covid staff emotionsl resilience working I have found the nourishing resources, of time out in work, even in handwashing grounding self, nd kindness to self opening ‘frazzled’ staff to their enoughness, belonging, nd ok ness rather than perceived weakness in core humanity common feltness of overwhelm
Often their relationships are exhausting because they are inauthentic. Not being oneself, behaviouring as we assume others expect, is exhausting. Sometimes we believe the narrative we create. Others expect and know this character rather than who we are. This can lead to habitual inauthentic relationships that are unrewarding and can lead to withdrawal.
A feeling of resistance, restlessness, tension feeling as if watched. There is a big wall, a barrier and feeling of tightness and contractions discomfort to escape, run away in my safe zone.
If relationships are to survive.
Others may feel criticized. Get angry and retaliate once they learn what makes us tick. Maybe I don’t understand what being vulnerable and expressing it, is really all about.
Tracy Spelock, Another Field, PittsburghPittsburgh, PA, USAsays
If your own environment and parental interaction is always judged & criticized even though painful accepting I’m a circle living with square therefore to soften the pain subconscious protector the hides authentic self in order to be accepted – took almost 50 years for me to WAKE UP screaming I’M DONE – even on the journey of reconnecting & finding myself again and after SO LONG healing will TAKE TIME!!!! Not sure how much life left but one last HURRAH…
I am always on the defensive, checking visual and audible cues that he sees what I hate most – lack of athletic prowess, career success, sexual attractiveness and irritation with his family.
I have masked due to autism, but I never knew I had autism until very recently. So masking was completely unconscious early conditioning for me. Masking has made it hard to be open and vulnerable in an authentic way and I have struggled in some relationships because of this. Now I know about my autism I am working on self acceptance and care and hoping that perhaps some family members might be able to meet me a little closer to me when I can share my life struggles through the lens of my new understanding. Self acceptance is my key to being authentic going forward, and curbing my expectations of some family members feels realistic. They too have their crosses to bear and may not be able to meet the more authentic me. If this is the case I will turn to those who can support me and stay open to change (MMTCP student – class of 2025).
Thank you. Your answer really resonates for me. I have only recently come to understand that I am autistic and have been unconsciously masking for most of my life. Still learning about being autistic and recognising my quirkiness and how much effort I still put into masking…
Very much, reflection and a certain kind of inner work are key components for successful relations with others, while there is really no need of being everybody’s darling. Feelings could be named and spoken in kind words and questions asked without hurting the partner.
I have exp erienced that others don’t want to hear about my problems, even if they are real and large. So, I have become capable and strong even though I don’t feel that way inside. Then, I am disappointed that other does not want to get to know the deeper me. Maybe I don’t leave a door open for that while being strong. So, I feel unconnected in a deeper way to others and disappointed in this lack.
In many ways. If we can’t be authentic in a safe environment we are incapable of speaking our truths. When we live in sympathetic nervous system we are unable to communicate
This is such a hard question for me. I tend to isolate or retreat when I don’t want others to see my weaknesses- sadness. I am usually very happy/smiley and people often appreciate my positive energy.
The parts of myself that I try to hide are my selfishness, insecurity and lack of creativity. When I try to hide these, I create distance between me and the people I love. I pretend to be someone I’m not and then I get mad at my loved one for not understanding me. I create confusion in the relationship. I also have a hard time hiding these parts of myself consistently so there is an unpredictability that can create fear and an unsafe feeling. People often don’t know which version of Laura they are going to get.
In my personal and professional experience we hide as much of ourselves from ourselves as we hide from others. We can’t consciously reveal to others that which we have hidden from ourselves.
It’s takes time and tenderness to become familiar and feel safe with our hidden parts before we share them. Also those close to us may not welcome such disclosure. It may shine a light on their hidden part which they may not be ready or willing to face.
This video is exactly what I see in my practice. When I refocus the attention back onto each of the individual’s lack self-compassion and teach them how to start the practice of self-love, things start to change. Positivity is now possible. It is wonderful to work with a couple who are able to verbalize what they are feeling and thinking in order to help guide them in a better direction, one that has a different perspective than the one they have been looking at for so long that has created only negativity. Of course, it is very different when working with a couple who are extremely angry and feel the need to criticize the other.
I really like your work Tara, thank you, Karen Bloodworth, NCC, LPC
Thank you so much for very useful videos 💕
I have always struggled with a poor self-image. I worry that I’m not interesting enough, attractive enough, secure enough. Even though I have a loving husband, I find myself doubting my worth.
When I hide what they don’t like about me, I basically cease to exist … I don’t pretend to be something different in an attempt to show them whatever it is that I could only guess they want to see … I just stop existing. What a waste of precious time for both of us.
Self-doubt has been something that has limited me throughout my life. I have never felt good about my appearance because my father called me names.
Despite all the work I have done to free myself from those anchors, I am still not totally free.
The relationships will be more superficial, they will be unsatisfying because there is no depth.
I think it’s my basic insecurity that I want to hide. It puts up a subtle barrier and keeps me from just being completely real to myself or with others. It’s protective. I know I could be more loving if I would loosen up and be less anxious.
Busyness, pretending, criticism, withdrawal, controlling, resistance, interrupting, avoiding intimacy.
Thank you. So simple a message and so true. Open welcoming and sharing negative beliefs about ourselves that all may have in common dissolves them in the light of love and understanding. A sense of humor and not taking our self judgement (Critic) so seriously is very helpful in balancing it with our sense of self importance. We are all of inestimable loving value to each other!
It can affect their Truthfulness about their pain. They may be more sensitive about their feelings. They are more resistant to changes. They are more fearful
‘what they don’t like’ plays into their relationships
That is an important question. I have never thought about it before. I think by doing so I will make the other person more important than I think I am.
It can also be a way to make difficult relations going easier. The question is whether I will give myself a choice: conscious accommodating or making myself less important
Thank you for that, Tara and all the many things you freely give that nourish my soul.
I live in a granny flat with my daughter, a single mum of a beautiful six year old boy. I do not tell tell her many things like about my health and wellbeing. I feel I will be an added burden to her already busy, stressed life. She has serious mental health issues, anxiety, periodic depression and endless physical illhealth. I feel at 76 I should be able to deal with my own problems that are trivial compared with hers.
I see now that not telling her simply separates us, excluding her from being part of my life.
it affects it negatively by sugercoating the problem. it also reinforces the avoidance aspect by denying their true thoughts making any interaction with a partner or other relationship inauthentic.
I, m twice a widow and a mother of two fantastic daughters and one wonderful granddaughter.
The best moments when life and contacts are flowing, without being too conscious of doing things well.
Thank you Tara for your inspiring talks
Thank you for sharing the lovely videos. Self love and self conpaasion are really important steps to healing. Kind regards Alia
We get judgemental and often pass over our insecurities to the other when we criticise or contempt
Very helpful particularly the unloving of oneself, thank you for sharing
Thank you for this wonderful video! The fact that unworthiness is often at the root of the problem is very eye opening. When feelings of unworthiness and insecurity co-exist, then it’s definitely difficult for a relationship to thrive or for a person to allow themselves to express vulnerability. I have had people tell me that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness so they avoid being vulnerable at all costs since they believe the relationship will suffer and even collapse if they are vulnerable vs “strong.” In fact, the ability to be vulnerable and to show people our authentic self will often help and nurture a relationship vs harm it.
I have difficulty understanding the expression of vulnerability. How do we know the other person in not play acting to make themselves appear to be like children? Maybe they express their child-like self. But as an adult, they remain immature and non-commital. Is this a defense mechanism? So their real adult self stays in hiding?
Just quiet in myself as I notice afresh how the sense of absndoned Self brings judgement nd fear inevitably separating awareness of self appreciation. Othering self then just is projected onto near relationships where our family and friends lose us.
I recognise heart opening, sadness nd renewed hope for deepening relationships O have and support in therapeutic ‘witness’ in my clients lacking a sense of ‘being enough’ ‘tis the invisible pandemic of our times
This means they need to put up a wall and put on an act, especially when they are feeling increased dislike of themselves. Intimacy in a relationship requires being vulnerable and authentic. To do this we need to share our shadow side.
They have not yet been reassured, by experiencing some processing of unresolved emotional/mental material, that mindfulness is their natural state, and that they can increasingly assume it as part of their being. In this condition, they are especially vulnerable to unresolved issues in others, despite defending against self-denigration and hiding its existence.
It keeps everybody at arms length. It makes me feel less close in the relationships I already have and struggle to make new ones.
Thank you for your work, but I find the fact that you are reading what you say and not looking at me, very off-putting. It means your eyes are darting about to the words on the bottom of your screen and you are therefore not engaging with me. It lends an air of authenticity to the video, which is not your intention.
My attitude to act as if I know the answers on a lot of things, showing myself as sure, is hiding my fear for not knowing and beiing dependent on someone else.
they invite for dissaproval, unconsiously of course
Vulnerability. Not being bright enough. Being different from others. Trying to accept myself as I am helps.
I hid my irritation boredom anger my lack of interest in intimacy with my partner. I went along . We are now living apart and I feel guilt shame loneliness and a failure at intimate relationships
Their fear to be vulnerable reflects their lack of safety in themselves and the danger they feel in being close to others: a lack of trust. This constant sense of danger erodes their relationships with themselves and others. The relationships are filled with tension and silence which reinforces the alienation and self-loathing my clients often feel.
I often direct my clients to your RAIN meditations, which they report finding useful and I am keen to learn more to help my clients learn to develop self-regulation.
It always creates a distance, to myself, others and the world.
Versus with speaking/ showing up for myself it directly increases the sense of aliveness, being whole- in alignment and connection with the cosmos.
It’s hard to be relaxed, spontaneous, and to feel good about myself.
This is so true about one client that I have and her relationships. I want to learn more about this so I might be able to assist her and my other clients, too.
I’ve signed up for this several times but the sound doesn’t work. it looks like it would be very helpful and I would love access this. Is anyone else having this issue?
Hi, I can use these ideas as a daily practice to increase my self compassion and self forgiveness. This then can allow me to be in the present moment with myself and those I love and express my authentic self more fully.
Just appreciating too how using RAIN with my clients has been helpful in supporting clients to language their felt sense nd slow down.
More in Covid staff emotionsl resilience working I have found the nourishing resources, of time out in work, even in handwashing grounding self, nd kindness to self opening ‘frazzled’ staff to their enoughness, belonging, nd ok ness rather than perceived weakness in core humanity common feltness of overwhelm
Often their relationships are exhausting because they are inauthentic. Not being oneself, behaviouring as we assume others expect, is exhausting. Sometimes we believe the narrative we create. Others expect and know this character rather than who we are. This can lead to habitual inauthentic relationships that are unrewarding and can lead to withdrawal.
I have been exploring my feelings of disconnection by unpacking attachment Styles disorders. Avoidant/dismissive, disorganized/fearful
A feeling of resistance, restlessness, tension feeling as if watched. There is a big wall, a barrier and feeling of tightness and contractions discomfort to escape, run away in my safe zone.
Relationships are not authentic.
If relationships are to survive.
Others may feel criticized. Get angry and retaliate once they learn what makes us tick. Maybe I don’t understand what being vulnerable and expressing it, is really all about.
Lack of engagement due to self monitoring leads to lack of connection with others and a sense of isolation
If your own environment and parental interaction is always judged & criticized even though painful accepting I’m a circle living with square therefore to soften the pain subconscious protector the hides authentic self in order to be accepted – took almost 50 years for me to WAKE UP screaming I’M DONE – even on the journey of reconnecting & finding myself again and after SO LONG healing will TAKE TIME!!!! Not sure how much life left but one last HURRAH…
I am always on the defensive, checking visual and audible cues that he sees what I hate most – lack of athletic prowess, career success, sexual attractiveness and irritation with his family.
I have masked due to autism, but I never knew I had autism until very recently. So masking was completely unconscious early conditioning for me. Masking has made it hard to be open and vulnerable in an authentic way and I have struggled in some relationships because of this. Now I know about my autism I am working on self acceptance and care and hoping that perhaps some family members might be able to meet me a little closer to me when I can share my life struggles through the lens of my new understanding. Self acceptance is my key to being authentic going forward, and curbing my expectations of some family members feels realistic. They too have their crosses to bear and may not be able to meet the more authentic me. If this is the case I will turn to those who can support me and stay open to change (MMTCP student – class of 2025).
Thank you. Your answer really resonates for me. I have only recently come to understand that I am autistic and have been unconsciously masking for most of my life. Still learning about being autistic and recognising my quirkiness and how much effort I still put into masking…
Thank you for sharing this🙏 if I may, how did you find out you were on the autism spectrum?
Unfinished business we have and interjects work in progress.
it comes/slips/leaks out in their attitudes to their partners, colleagues etc, often they are reactive as they are fearful of ‘being found out’
Very much, reflection and a certain kind of inner work are key components for successful relations with others, while there is really no need of being everybody’s darling. Feelings could be named and spoken in kind words and questions asked without hurting the partner.
I have exp erienced that others don’t want to hear about my problems, even if they are real and large. So, I have become capable and strong even though I don’t feel that way inside. Then, I am disappointed that other does not want to get to know the deeper me. Maybe I don’t leave a door open for that while being strong. So, I feel unconnected in a deeper way to others and disappointed in this lack.
They are anxious and are fearful they will be exposed. They are worried the people they love will see them for what they think they are.