since they have so many insecurities they get hyper vigilant and sensitive about imagined slights by the partner. also not being vulnerable with the partner creates a distance btwn them
Sometimes it comes bursting out when I can’t suppress it anymore, and people are very surprised and understandably defensive. Or I get resentful that that not getting what I really need.
That which we /clients fear, dislike, distrust, etc., is what is always mirrored back to us/our clients. These many subtopics of fear always deeply affect relationships on every level
I feel shy and withdraw because I fundamentally, but subtly, believe I am not interesting and my views don’t count as I often don’t have strong opinions. I people-please as I think I am an unpleasant or boring person and people won’t like me. I think lots do, but I don’t feel it. There is always distance and I can see this inability to relax in company creates a barrier.
My clients can be more comfortable with superficial relationships when they’re not in a state of self- acceptance. They feel threatened & uncomfortable when attempts are made to achieve true connection.
I’m always judging my partner and is so difficult to avoid and change this behaviour that is installed for many years. Now I starting on comprend that I don’t acept me and I’m hiding my vulnerability from others. All this cause separation and a feeling of isolation as you said in your video. It’s a tragic way of living as someone wrote in the comments 😔
What if both partners hide what they don’t like about themselves, or, one partner uses denial as a defensive tactic, leading to lack of closeness and sharing from the other partner?
Cindy Warner, Another Field, nashville, TN, USAsays
I have felt inadequate for as long as I can remember, and have tried to overcompensate by endless striving to achieve and do everything perfectly. Although I am outwardly cheerful, I have been sad and confused, and have shied away from forming close friendships. It is a tragic way to live.
Harinder Randhawa, Nursing, Ellicott City, MD, USAsays
I have been care giver for my husband for 10 years. I am not able to forgive myself that it is ok if I can not take care of him anymore and he is in assisted living. The guilty feeling is not leaving me and letting me move forward
Need help
I feel safest when I am eating and watching TV. This is a disgusting habit! But it is safer than creating intimacy with another person.
And it isn’t deeply satisfying in the long run.
Fedora Mühleisen, Social Work, Washington, DC, DC, USAsays
The theme of this video made me think of a friend whom I talked to earlier today and who struggles with depression. We happened to talk about how difficult it is for him to think of himself as lovable. At those times when he feels he is falling into a deep hole, he finds it impossible to think that he is lovable. But without it, it’s impossible to get out of the hole. I wonder whether I hear something in the other parts of the video that I can tell him about that might be useful or just for me to deepen my understanding. Thank you very much!
Thank you for sharing these opportunities to reflect on our behavior. When I am afraid that others will see how broken I am; I miss the opportunity to connect and build a relationship which is causing me to feel isolated, have less friends that I can count on.
MarNieves Cordoba, Teacher, Red Bluff, CA, USAsays
over the years i have become more accepting of who I am and do not hide my feelings or my faults/ deficiencies. At the same time i notice how people i got to know do not reveal how they really are. I notice that in their inconsistent behaviors or statements about themselves.
Hi, Tara, I’m a 63 year old woman who still struggles with the ingrained belief that I am not lovable, taught to me by my family my whole life. I’ve come a long way in my healing journey. I’ve been able to heal from my bulimia somewhat, but this pattern of self-harm and numbing still has a hold on me occasionally. I’ve learned how to take care of myself and am getting to know myself through the use of IFS and Ketamine-assisted therapy. My feelings of not really being lovable still dwell deep inside me and I am sad to think they will never leave so I can have a meaningful relationship with someone.
When I hide aspects about myself that I dont like, it creates distance and lack of real/authentic connection to the other. Relationships where there is little or no sharing of these parts of me are shallow and unfulfilling.
It’s means I am not authentic and that I then do not have genuine and present interactions. No one enjoys this kind of disingenuous interaction, so it causes more distance.
When they aren’t connected to themselves, when they are not open to exploring themselves, this hinders their ability to connect with others. There is a lack of insight that blocks kindness and understanding of others.
When I’m trying to cover my compulsive eating I feel lonely and, not only hide from my family, but also push them away all the while feeling desperate for connection.
Thank you Tara for sharing the wisdom and acceptance.
Sometimes afraid to admit that I just like being with one on one and not socialising with groups. I hide this sometimes incase of not being liked. In the end though it probably shoes itself anyway.
72 years old and had a few relationships. my partners treated me badly and I allowed it and the treatment continued to get more hurtful. I now realise it was because I felt I deserved that treatment and did not stand up for myself
Also I did not take care of my apparence because I was not worth it
BRIAN STEPPACHER, Other, South Portland, ME, USAsays
I am great with casual, inconsequential, good humored chatter, but when the public spectacle is replaced with substance and I become pinned down and put on the line, I become timid and withdraw. I lose my voice. There is no greater gift than the gift of self-expression. “I AM!” (tell the universe)
When I hide parts of myself, it affects my relationship because I feel unlikable. That I’m not ok or welcome. I’m on egg shells that are hard to navigate.
Grief and pain left me a different person
My only son died from cerebral cancer
A month ago my father died
I lived in a cave
Where do I find happiness ?
Both wrist were broken before my father
died and I am in therapy’s I feel I don’t
have compassion with myself. Seeking
a hug from son and father
Dear Tara, I am already a fan of yours.
I am currently walking the El Camino in Spain and this exercise will give me a simple approach for some of those questions I get asked along the way.
Thank you so much.
Warmly
Brett Wintgens
I find the negative feelings I have towards myself revolve around work and the comments made to me and about team performance. I take these comments seriously and a bit to deeply. All the usual players come to my party, insecurities, failures, impostor, there’s no rational thoughts just analysis paralysis. I say the right things to myself but clearly I am not giving GRACE to myself.
I want to move forward and not be stuck in negativity!
this is the core of what I have experienced in relationship issues in my practice. What seems to frequently develop resistance to engaging in efforts to change is an ingrained sense that their beliefs about themselves are true. These imbedded core beliefs create a fear based existence. The grasping that accompanies these beliefs replace the ability to receive new information and ways of being in the world
since they have so many insecurities they get hyper vigilant and sensitive about imagined slights by the partner. also not being vulnerable with the partner creates a distance btwn them
Sometimes it comes bursting out when I can’t suppress it anymore, and people are very surprised and understandably defensive. Or I get resentful that that not getting what I really need.
That which we /clients fear, dislike, distrust, etc., is what is always mirrored back to us/our clients. These many subtopics of fear always deeply affect relationships on every level
I feel shy and withdraw because I fundamentally, but subtly, believe I am not interesting and my views don’t count as I often don’t have strong opinions. I people-please as I think I am an unpleasant or boring person and people won’t like me. I think lots do, but I don’t feel it. There is always distance and I can see this inability to relax in company creates a barrier.
Pretense, lack of trust, manipulation, isolation
My clients can be more comfortable with superficial relationships when they’re not in a state of self- acceptance. They feel threatened & uncomfortable when attempts are made to achieve true connection.
I’m always judging my partner and is so difficult to avoid and change this behaviour that is installed for many years. Now I starting on comprend that I don’t acept me and I’m hiding my vulnerability from others. All this cause separation and a feeling of isolation as you said in your video. It’s a tragic way of living as someone wrote in the comments 😔
Lack of vulnerability leads to lack of intimacy.
Loneliness
What if both partners hide what they don’t like about themselves, or, one partner uses denial as a defensive tactic, leading to lack of closeness and sharing from the other partner?
I have felt inadequate for as long as I can remember, and have tried to overcompensate by endless striving to achieve and do everything perfectly. Although I am outwardly cheerful, I have been sad and confused, and have shied away from forming close friendships. It is a tragic way to live.
It affects relationships deeply because they are not showing their real selves and therefore can’t receive love from others or themselves.
It’s superficial.
I end up isolated and even avoid myself. I realize and feel shame that people do not really know me. I have been dishonest.
They withdraw, creating a void in the relationship, a chasm that’s difficult for their partner to understand and navigate.
The gulf between them gets wider and wider. It feels impossible to them, sometimes, to find their way back.
I have been care giver for my husband for 10 years. I am not able to forgive myself that it is ok if I can not take care of him anymore and he is in assisted living. The guilty feeling is not leaving me and letting me move forward
Need help
💕💕💕
It prevents true connection, pretending to be in my pedestal. When I reveal my faults it allows others to feel safe to reveal theirs.
I feel safest when I am eating and watching TV. This is a disgusting habit! But it is safer than creating intimacy with another person.
And it isn’t deeply satisfying in the long run.
The theme of this video made me think of a friend whom I talked to earlier today and who struggles with depression. We happened to talk about how difficult it is for him to think of himself as lovable. At those times when he feels he is falling into a deep hole, he finds it impossible to think that he is lovable. But without it, it’s impossible to get out of the hole. I wonder whether I hear something in the other parts of the video that I can tell him about that might be useful or just for me to deepen my understanding. Thank you very much!
It creates separation in me & blocks deeper connection & intimacy. It also keeps the shame cycle going & I feel sadness to be hidden.
Thank you for sharing these opportunities to reflect on our behavior. When I am afraid that others will see how broken I am; I miss the opportunity to connect and build a relationship which is causing me to feel isolated, have less friends that I can count on.
over the years i have become more accepting of who I am and do not hide my feelings or my faults/ deficiencies. At the same time i notice how people i got to know do not reveal how they really are. I notice that in their inconsistent behaviors or statements about themselves.
It stops them in their tracks
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I create a barrier of unease within and am unable to be myself.
Hi, Tara, I’m a 63 year old woman who still struggles with the ingrained belief that I am not lovable, taught to me by my family my whole life. I’ve come a long way in my healing journey. I’ve been able to heal from my bulimia somewhat, but this pattern of self-harm and numbing still has a hold on me occasionally. I’ve learned how to take care of myself and am getting to know myself through the use of IFS and Ketamine-assisted therapy. My feelings of not really being lovable still dwell deep inside me and I am sad to think they will never leave so I can have a meaningful relationship with someone.
When I hide aspects about myself that I dont like, it creates distance and lack of real/authentic connection to the other. Relationships where there is little or no sharing of these parts of me are shallow and unfulfilling.
It affects the ability to be open, vulnerable, and genuine in a relationship.
growing walls around
It’s means I am not authentic and that I then do not have genuine and present interactions. No one enjoys this kind of disingenuous interaction, so it causes more distance.
It’s difficult for them to connect with their partners on a deep level. They avoid vulnerability and the relationship is more transactional.
When they aren’t connected to themselves, when they are not open to exploring themselves, this hinders their ability to connect with others. There is a lack of insight that blocks kindness and understanding of others.
It blocks me from connection
When I’m trying to cover my compulsive eating I feel lonely and, not only hide from my family, but also push them away all the while feeling desperate for connection.
Thank you Tara for sharing the wisdom and acceptance.
Hiding your true self limits the ability to connect deeply with others.
It throws the communication off in the relationship
I cover up so I look strong instead of weak. I was prayed upon so much as a kid. I see how that is causing more if the same results.
Sometimes afraid to admit that I just like being with one on one and not socialising with groups. I hide this sometimes incase of not being liked. In the end though it probably shoes itself anyway.
72 years old and had a few relationships. my partners treated me badly and I allowed it and the treatment continued to get more hurtful. I now realise it was because I felt I deserved that treatment and did not stand up for myself
Also I did not take care of my apparence because I was not worth it
Creates separatedness
I am great with casual, inconsequential, good humored chatter, but when the public spectacle is replaced with substance and I become pinned down and put on the line, I become timid and withdraw. I lose my voice. There is no greater gift than the gift of self-expression. “I AM!” (tell the universe)
A certain frostiness between us, or silence until of of us, usually me, apologises.
I will love my self, so I can love others more
When I hide parts of myself, it affects my relationship because I feel unlikable. That I’m not ok or welcome. I’m on egg shells that are hard to navigate.
they cannot open up. they cannot show their needs. they don’t believe that being lived by another person could be real.
Grief and pain left me a different person
My only son died from cerebral cancer
A month ago my father died
I lived in a cave
Where do I find happiness ?
Both wrist were broken before my father
died and I am in therapy’s I feel I don’t
have compassion with myself. Seeking
a hug from son and father
Only a small part of himself can connect. The partner feels that and feels that the partner is not really giving himself.
Dear Tara, I am already a fan of yours.
I am currently walking the El Camino in Spain and this exercise will give me a simple approach for some of those questions I get asked along the way.
Thank you so much.
Warmly
Brett Wintgens
I find the negative feelings I have towards myself revolve around work and the comments made to me and about team performance. I take these comments seriously and a bit to deeply. All the usual players come to my party, insecurities, failures, impostor, there’s no rational thoughts just analysis paralysis. I say the right things to myself but clearly I am not giving GRACE to myself.
I want to move forward and not be stuck in negativity!
this is the core of what I have experienced in relationship issues in my practice. What seems to frequently develop resistance to engaging in efforts to change is an ingrained sense that their beliefs about themselves are true. These imbedded core beliefs create a fear based existence. The grasping that accompanies these beliefs replace the ability to receive new information and ways of being in the world