Battling suicide and ultimately landing in a mental health facility, showed me the picture in the mirror is me too. My other half, the half that I didn’t think was real. That half that couldn’t be part of me, how dare I hit bottom and become this person.
I’m not a very lively person so in order to be interesting I have to force myself to try and be lively and that costs me so much energy that I don’t even start an intimate relationship. It’s so much easier to be by myself.
I’m not an interesting longtime partner for a man, because I’m not creative. And as I’m not creative, I must be boring after a while. And besides that, deep inside I feel that I am not important.
I have addressed these issues and still after some years my partners are leaving me for another woman and mostly because I’m not much interested in sex. So not being important and boring, then sex will be boring and not important for my partner with me. Right now I’m crying because my partner for the last 25 yeaers is leaving me for another woman. And this happens in my life for the third time. I’m so so sad.
I grew up being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. Denied attention or affection and even medical attention unless it was immediately life threatening. I was never as smart or pretty or sweet as my sisters. So of course, I had zero self esteem. And I had to keep it all to myself, be stoic, never cry, never complain, and never ever talk about what was happening at home to me. The one thing that kept me going was making sure that none of the things that were happening to me would ever happen to my baby sister who is 4 years younger than me, and it never did. I made sure of that. My only reason for being born was as a back up, in case something happened to my older sister. That is what I was told. And I was a disappointment, because I look nothing like either of them, and was a sickly child due to being very premature. And not given proper nutrition or affection only made it worse. I believe they now call it “failure to thrive” in infants and young children. But in my mind, I was born to protect my baby sister, and it was my only reason for existing. I was the protector, no matter the personal cost. And it carried, of course, into adulthood.
I am more critical of my husband or others when there is a part of my own self worth I do not like or respect. Very interesting topic Sara. Thank you for your gentle but powerful teachings.
My heart resonates to this message and knows deeply for it to be true. A failed marriage is proof of it. I have since grown and love who I am becoming. I am perfectly flawed and loving human being that just desires deep human connection. My behaviors don’t always come in alignment for who I am. Somedays fear grips my entire being and I struggle to just breathe. But I’m a work in progress just like we all are. I’ve been working on finding grace for myself and others. The biggest lesson I have learned is I’m certainly not alone on this journey and that helps provide me comfort and some hope.
My spirit was broken at a very young age. My mother was manic with depression and rage. I was her wiping child, although she verbally belittled all of us.
I was raped at the age of 8 years old and had to hide it, because of her rage and judgement.
Anyway, I always felt that I wasn’t good enough to be loved.
I do want intimacy and love very much and have worked hard to clear my limitations.
Oh I think I cover up my need to control! I act as a caring person and get hurt when people don’t understand that I’m only trying to help! Omg I’ve got to let that go!
Hello!
Thank you for your teachings. Always just what I need.
Hiding parts that I don’t like about myself, that I’m ashamed of, keep me separate & distant from myself as well as from others. I know this to be true with my patients as well. There’s no intimacy.
When I hide parts of myself in my relationships, I’m overly sensitive to observing and projecting/critisizing those traits in others. This leads to perfectionism and rejection of others, when in reality I am rejecting and demanding perfection from myself. My greatest fear is that deep down I’m really unlovable and unwanted (both profound and chronic experiences from my early caregivers).
Thank you so very much for making these beautiful videos available!
Observations from my own client work includes: it impedes the existential flow of that person as a living being – it can have a profound effect in every area of their lives. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it reinforces the belief that the person themselves and others are not OK and are not trustworthy. It seems to be a way of remaining imprisoned.
My own personal experience also bears that out too.
Folded in upon myself, I am the chrysalis wrapped in layers and layers of doubt—wings gathered in a tight cloak around my fragile heart. Afraid to stretch out the colors of my true self—afraid to open up and fly on the whimsical winds of vulnerability. Waiting. Waiting for the warm days of self-love to shine and stir the embers of hope. Some days are bright and full, others overcast. Some days stormy with negativity. Waiting. Breathing. Seeking the light of heartful awareness. Seeking compassionate courage.
Thank you, Tara, your clear and gentle teaching is opening my mind and heart to my vulnerabilities. It’s not easy for me to be vulnerable. I’d much rather be the perfectly articulate expert who can solve my spouse’s or friend’s problem, rather than look at my own. I have a deep desire for creative expression. But can be self-critical, to the point of paralysis. Which leads to frustration and then often dissatisfaction—which I can take out on my husband—and since we are both retired, have plenty of opportunity to do. This leaves him feeling deflated and resentful. Years of Al Anon and a daily meditation practice are teaching me to respond rather than react and zipping my lip has become a daily habit. I look forward to more of your thoughtful experience and wisdom.
These very notions are the reason that I have turned to Tara over and over in the past four years of being a mother, on the heels of being married to my best friend. Tara has helped me heal places in my heart that were huge barriers to everything I wanted in my life. I am eternally grateful to her for her teachings over especially the past year. Thank you for this series. I wasn’t ready to be married to such a beloved person, nor was I ready to have a child when I did, only because I had spent forty years hating myself by the time I got married, and in my desperation to feel the connection I wanted so badly, I started meditating and discovered Tara. The notions put forth in Tara’s teachings have brought me to a new place in my marriage, my motherhood, and most fully, in my own relationship with myself.
Dear Tara:
When I, too have allowed the older mammalian parts of the brain to control my life, it can be very miserable. I listen to your weekly talks on YouTube quite often putting myself to sleep. After my wife passed away after 42 years of marriage, I struggled with the anger and found a wonderful psychologist. After meeting with
her for two years, she inspired me to “take some psychology classes”. I said, if I am going to take a couple of classes, then I might as well get a degree. Today, at
71 years old, I am in my senior year, and aiming for my PsyD whenever I graduate.
I was able to take a course in mindfulness(MBSR) which has helped me immensely. I took the course here in Atlanta, in the second year of her passing. We will probably never meet but wanted to say “Thank you” for all the help you have been to me
Openness and acceptance of our human frailties,and that sense of unworthiness that pervades is all at some time in our lives,are sometimes difficult steps to make in our relationships with loved ones. Such resistance becomes a form of pattern matching in our ongoing behaviour as a consequence because our ego steps in to protect us ( fight, flight or freeze).It is not only the revealing of our insecurities, but a recognition that some of our behaviours do not serve us well. When we in good faith , take cognisance of that – then with grace,we can begin to accept no harm will be done. Instead, there is relief and an opening to accept love and compassion for ourselves and others.
Thankyou ❤️ I am on a journey of self-love each and every morning for half an hour I listen to a beautiful meditation.I’ve listend to so many but this particular one really resonated.The words are amazing for me and it’s a natural way of healing body and mind.The word “believing” ,believing that your body CAN heal .. hit my heart and that’s help grow “believing” in forgiveness and so much more.Some days we slip but I’m determined to keep trying namaste ? I love your approach and listened to many of your meditations and I really am grateful and learnt not to be judgy anymore ❤️
I’m working with a couple where she does a lot of self loathing. I’ve been trying to facilitate her in recognizing the negative impact self loathing has not just on her but also on her relationship. I have forwarded your video to her:). Thank you for the fabulous work you do!
Hide parts of them selfs. Feel shame, put mask and pretend to be someone else but not their real self. Spend a lot of energy and effort for that and don’t use their energy and time to enjoy life. They feel anxiety. They experience a fake belonging and usually disappointment of their relationships. They don’t have an access to their Social engagement system.
I am not a professional but from personal experience when you don’t like yourself and don’t feel like you can really express it in a relationship it leads to disparaging self talk, and this can then come out in outbursts of aggression which is fuelled by the frustration of your situation and not feeling able to share your thoughts. Sometimes this aggression can be directed inwards and can manifest itself with some form of self harm. Other times it can come out where you lash out against a partner or loved one either verbally or physically. This can be hard to take for a partner who is not “in your head” and they can wonder what on earth is going on. So therefore learning to pause, meditate and love yourself is a key first step in stopping these kinds of unhealthy reactions.
When the clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, sometimes misunderstandings come up. The core beliefs like i am not good enough. This core beliefs might lead to separations and break ups. The partner might not realuze his / her own potentials. As a result , there might be withdrwal tendency, feeling of distress, incompetency , irritation, anger. These factors again can lead to break ups in relationships !
I have been struggling severely with job interviews. I never make it to the end. I have been a successful teacher for 15 years and decided to re-orientate my career. Technically I have succeeded in this so I know what I want, but for the last 2 years every interview I have had has not lead to a job. So this is my question. I have a great underlying feeling that I am not worthy and I think this surfaces during these interviews. I have loving relationships in other life areas, but it seems to me that in an interview you don’t want to unhide what you don’t like about yourself. So I can’t seem to rhyme how to see this in light of e.g job interviews….I would love your thoughts on this…..
Through having one’s own self critical thoughts, the fear is that others will also see and make their own harsh rejecting judgments. This creates a ‘wall’ and distance between two people.
Thank you.I look forward to listening to the other broadcasts.
This was personally helpful to me. As a life coach. I like to practice what I preach. This helped me look at my self in a different perspective. I have a tendency to allow things to come In the way of my family. My own vulnerability creates a wall that keeps those dear to me at arm’s length. So I am going to personally going to take this to heart before I start using it on my clients. Thank you for this free information.
I WILL listen to these 3 presentations! I have listened to this first youtube presentation twice and I will listen to the second one twice. AND, the third one twice. Usually I have questions but with these, I cannot think of any. With them it is mostly for my own understanding not any client. Thank you. Tom Bailey
My sense of not being enough- not feeling good enough about myself and fear of intimacy caused me to grow distant from my wife, which hurt and angered her and we had a cycle of anger and resentment that built up between us and I did not know how to deal with my negative emotions- so I just shoved them down inside me over and over. Since I have a problem with co-dependency, this led to me seeking approval from other women to feel good about myself and then to a number of affairs both physical and emotional. My wife discovered this in March of this year and now after almost 39-years of marriage we are separated and she wants a divorce. I deeply regret my bad behavior desperately want to save the marriage, but the odds are not with me. I hope these videos will give me some insight into ideas or solutions for our deeply troubled marriage. Thank you for sharing these thoughts and ideas with us Tara.
The messages of these talks are simple yet profound, integratie centuries of wisdom with the discoveries of neuroscience and They are both relevant for me personally and I cannot wait to share with others: colleagues and clients. Thank you.
I’ve always enjoyed your teachings Tara. This is an excellent topic for me because I am very self-critical. It keeps me from pursuing my creative ambitions. Also, I have been estranged from my eldest child for nearly 5 years now. He won’t forgive me for losing my sobriety. Although I am now in recovery again it is very difficult to move forward in my life without my son being a part of it.
I feel insecure with the partner I had in the past, & don’t have a partner now, and with my son I feel that I’m not a good provider, as I can’t get a higher position on my job and earn more money to give him a better life stile.
Thank you for your time and teachings!
Battling suicide and ultimately landing in a mental health facility, showed me the picture in the mirror is me too. My other half, the half that I didn’t think was real. That half that couldn’t be part of me, how dare I hit bottom and become this person.
I’m not a very lively person so in order to be interesting I have to force myself to try and be lively and that costs me so much energy that I don’t even start an intimate relationship. It’s so much easier to be by myself.
I’m not an interesting longtime partner for a man, because I’m not creative. And as I’m not creative, I must be boring after a while. And besides that, deep inside I feel that I am not important.
I have addressed these issues and still after some years my partners are leaving me for another woman and mostly because I’m not much interested in sex. So not being important and boring, then sex will be boring and not important for my partner with me. Right now I’m crying because my partner for the last 25 yeaers is leaving me for another woman. And this happens in my life for the third time. I’m so so sad.
I grew up being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. Denied attention or affection and even medical attention unless it was immediately life threatening. I was never as smart or pretty or sweet as my sisters. So of course, I had zero self esteem. And I had to keep it all to myself, be stoic, never cry, never complain, and never ever talk about what was happening at home to me. The one thing that kept me going was making sure that none of the things that were happening to me would ever happen to my baby sister who is 4 years younger than me, and it never did. I made sure of that. My only reason for being born was as a back up, in case something happened to my older sister. That is what I was told. And I was a disappointment, because I look nothing like either of them, and was a sickly child due to being very premature. And not given proper nutrition or affection only made it worse. I believe they now call it “failure to thrive” in infants and young children. But in my mind, I was born to protect my baby sister, and it was my only reason for existing. I was the protector, no matter the personal cost. And it carried, of course, into adulthood.
I am more critical of my husband or others when there is a part of my own self worth I do not like or respect. Very interesting topic Sara. Thank you for your gentle but powerful teachings.
My heart resonates to this message and knows deeply for it to be true. A failed marriage is proof of it. I have since grown and love who I am becoming. I am perfectly flawed and loving human being that just desires deep human connection. My behaviors don’t always come in alignment for who I am. Somedays fear grips my entire being and I struggle to just breathe. But I’m a work in progress just like we all are. I’ve been working on finding grace for myself and others. The biggest lesson I have learned is I’m certainly not alone on this journey and that helps provide me comfort and some hope.
Hiding distances me from being open and allowing the other person in to my heart.
My spirit was broken at a very young age. My mother was manic with depression and rage. I was her wiping child, although she verbally belittled all of us.
I was raped at the age of 8 years old and had to hide it, because of her rage and judgement.
Anyway, I always felt that I wasn’t good enough to be loved.
I do want intimacy and love very much and have worked hard to clear my limitations.
Oh I think I cover up my need to control! I act as a caring person and get hurt when people don’t understand that I’m only trying to help! Omg I’ve got to let that go!
Hello!
Thank you for your teachings. Always just what I need.
Hiding parts that I don’t like about myself, that I’m ashamed of, keep me separate & distant from myself as well as from others. I know this to be true with my patients as well. There’s no intimacy.
When I hide parts of myself in my relationships, I’m overly sensitive to observing and projecting/critisizing those traits in others. This leads to perfectionism and rejection of others, when in reality I am rejecting and demanding perfection from myself. My greatest fear is that deep down I’m really unlovable and unwanted (both profound and chronic experiences from my early caregivers).
Thank you so very much for making these beautiful videos available!
Observations from my own client work includes: it impedes the existential flow of that person as a living being – it can have a profound effect in every area of their lives. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, it reinforces the belief that the person themselves and others are not OK and are not trustworthy. It seems to be a way of remaining imprisoned.
My own personal experience also bears that out too.
This was a insightful concept. Enjoyed the tone of voice and message.
Thank you
Folded in upon myself, I am the chrysalis wrapped in layers and layers of doubt—wings gathered in a tight cloak around my fragile heart. Afraid to stretch out the colors of my true self—afraid to open up and fly on the whimsical winds of vulnerability. Waiting. Waiting for the warm days of self-love to shine and stir the embers of hope. Some days are bright and full, others overcast. Some days stormy with negativity. Waiting. Breathing. Seeking the light of heartful awareness. Seeking compassionate courage.
Hiding what I don’t like, or fear, about myself from others keeps me isolated for fear they will see my flaws despite my efforts to hide them.
Impedes intimacy by withholding parts of themselves, fuels mistrust and anxiety in the other.
When I hide, I fail to change and grow beyond the trauma..
It leaves their loved one(s) feeling alone and not worthy of trust with their loved one’s fear/unhappiness.
Thank you!
Thank you, Tara, your clear and gentle teaching is opening my mind and heart to my vulnerabilities. It’s not easy for me to be vulnerable. I’d much rather be the perfectly articulate expert who can solve my spouse’s or friend’s problem, rather than look at my own. I have a deep desire for creative expression. But can be self-critical, to the point of paralysis. Which leads to frustration and then often dissatisfaction—which I can take out on my husband—and since we are both retired, have plenty of opportunity to do. This leaves him feeling deflated and resentful. Years of Al Anon and a daily meditation practice are teaching me to respond rather than react and zipping my lip has become a daily habit. I look forward to more of your thoughtful experience and wisdom.
It can lead to affairs – external approval seeking..it can lead to all manner of defences eg controlling, withdrawing, bullying, avoiding ….
Many people are not aware of this issue, but looking back it makes sence!
Relationships are not very intense. They tend to be withdraen, insecured and unhappy about themselves.
These very notions are the reason that I have turned to Tara over and over in the past four years of being a mother, on the heels of being married to my best friend. Tara has helped me heal places in my heart that were huge barriers to everything I wanted in my life. I am eternally grateful to her for her teachings over especially the past year. Thank you for this series. I wasn’t ready to be married to such a beloved person, nor was I ready to have a child when I did, only because I had spent forty years hating myself by the time I got married, and in my desperation to feel the connection I wanted so badly, I started meditating and discovered Tara. The notions put forth in Tara’s teachings have brought me to a new place in my marriage, my motherhood, and most fully, in my own relationship with myself.
They couldn’t be real, and wear a mask to be prefect, it would keep distance from their love one. not being real would lost spontaneous and happiness.
It is wonderful to be connect to Tara Brach. It give me warmth and energy.
in gratitude for your kindness and compassion.
a lotus for your all
Dear Tara:
When I, too have allowed the older mammalian parts of the brain to control my life, it can be very miserable. I listen to your weekly talks on YouTube quite often putting myself to sleep. After my wife passed away after 42 years of marriage, I struggled with the anger and found a wonderful psychologist. After meeting with
her for two years, she inspired me to “take some psychology classes”. I said, if I am going to take a couple of classes, then I might as well get a degree. Today, at
71 years old, I am in my senior year, and aiming for my PsyD whenever I graduate.
I was able to take a course in mindfulness(MBSR) which has helped me immensely. I took the course here in Atlanta, in the second year of her passing. We will probably never meet but wanted to say “Thank you” for all the help you have been to me
Openness and acceptance of our human frailties,and that sense of unworthiness that pervades is all at some time in our lives,are sometimes difficult steps to make in our relationships with loved ones. Such resistance becomes a form of pattern matching in our ongoing behaviour as a consequence because our ego steps in to protect us ( fight, flight or freeze).It is not only the revealing of our insecurities, but a recognition that some of our behaviours do not serve us well. When we in good faith , take cognisance of that – then with grace,we can begin to accept no harm will be done. Instead, there is relief and an opening to accept love and compassion for ourselves and others.
Thankyou ❤️ I am on a journey of self-love each and every morning for half an hour I listen to a beautiful meditation.I’ve listend to so many but this particular one really resonated.The words are amazing for me and it’s a natural way of healing body and mind.The word “believing” ,believing that your body CAN heal .. hit my heart and that’s help grow “believing” in forgiveness and so much more.Some days we slip but I’m determined to keep trying namaste ? I love your approach and listened to many of your meditations and I really am grateful and learnt not to be judgy anymore ❤️
N/A
Useful for is all. I will SHAW it to one of my patients. Thank you twice.
Thank you for this clear and brief explanation of a complex and deep rooted cause of our painful behavior.
Hi Tara! This is very timely for me!
I’m working with a couple where she does a lot of self loathing. I’ve been trying to facilitate her in recognizing the negative impact self loathing has not just on her but also on her relationship. I have forwarded your video to her:). Thank you for the fabulous work you do!
Kathy Hardie-Williams M.Ed MS NCC LPC LMFT
Hide parts of them selfs. Feel shame, put mask and pretend to be someone else but not their real self. Spend a lot of energy and effort for that and don’t use their energy and time to enjoy life. They feel anxiety. They experience a fake belonging and usually disappointment of their relationships. They don’t have an access to their Social engagement system.
I am not a professional but from personal experience when you don’t like yourself and don’t feel like you can really express it in a relationship it leads to disparaging self talk, and this can then come out in outbursts of aggression which is fuelled by the frustration of your situation and not feeling able to share your thoughts. Sometimes this aggression can be directed inwards and can manifest itself with some form of self harm. Other times it can come out where you lash out against a partner or loved one either verbally or physically. This can be hard to take for a partner who is not “in your head” and they can wonder what on earth is going on. So therefore learning to pause, meditate and love yourself is a key first step in stopping these kinds of unhealthy reactions.
When the clients hide what they don’t like about themselves, sometimes misunderstandings come up. The core beliefs like i am not good enough. This core beliefs might lead to separations and break ups. The partner might not realuze his / her own potentials. As a result , there might be withdrwal tendency, feeling of distress, incompetency , irritation, anger. These factors again can lead to break ups in relationships !
I have been struggling severely with job interviews. I never make it to the end. I have been a successful teacher for 15 years and decided to re-orientate my career. Technically I have succeeded in this so I know what I want, but for the last 2 years every interview I have had has not lead to a job. So this is my question. I have a great underlying feeling that I am not worthy and I think this surfaces during these interviews. I have loving relationships in other life areas, but it seems to me that in an interview you don’t want to unhide what you don’t like about yourself. So I can’t seem to rhyme how to see this in light of e.g job interviews….I would love your thoughts on this…..
Through having one’s own self critical thoughts, the fear is that others will also see and make their own harsh rejecting judgments. This creates a ‘wall’ and distance between two people.
Thank you.I look forward to listening to the other broadcasts.
This was personally helpful to me. As a life coach. I like to practice what I preach. This helped me look at my self in a different perspective. I have a tendency to allow things to come In the way of my family. My own vulnerability creates a wall that keeps those dear to me at arm’s length. So I am going to personally going to take this to heart before I start using it on my clients. Thank you for this free information.
I WILL listen to these 3 presentations! I have listened to this first youtube presentation twice and I will listen to the second one twice. AND, the third one twice. Usually I have questions but with these, I cannot think of any. With them it is mostly for my own understanding not any client. Thank you. Tom Bailey
My sense of not being enough- not feeling good enough about myself and fear of intimacy caused me to grow distant from my wife, which hurt and angered her and we had a cycle of anger and resentment that built up between us and I did not know how to deal with my negative emotions- so I just shoved them down inside me over and over. Since I have a problem with co-dependency, this led to me seeking approval from other women to feel good about myself and then to a number of affairs both physical and emotional. My wife discovered this in March of this year and now after almost 39-years of marriage we are separated and she wants a divorce. I deeply regret my bad behavior desperately want to save the marriage, but the odds are not with me. I hope these videos will give me some insight into ideas or solutions for our deeply troubled marriage. Thank you for sharing these thoughts and ideas with us Tara.
Always on guard. Don’t feel seen. Feel like I will be abandoned or unwanted.
They would be difficult to know in a meaningful way.
The messages of these talks are simple yet profound, integratie centuries of wisdom with the discoveries of neuroscience and They are both relevant for me personally and I cannot wait to share with others: colleagues and clients. Thank you.
Relationships are fragile and precious. We are in denial to think otherwise.
I’ve always enjoyed your teachings Tara. This is an excellent topic for me because I am very self-critical. It keeps me from pursuing my creative ambitions. Also, I have been estranged from my eldest child for nearly 5 years now. He won’t forgive me for losing my sobriety. Although I am now in recovery again it is very difficult to move forward in my life without my son being a part of it.
lack of authenticity and closeness
It prevents them from relying on others and seeking out a support system
Thank you Tara. Helpful insights to look inward to uncover hidden parts of self.
I feel insecure with the partner I had in the past, & don’t have a partner now, and with my son I feel that I’m not a good provider, as I can’t get a higher position on my job and earn more money to give him a better life stile.
Thank you for your time and teachings!
Play strong yet eager to gain recognition or empathy