I’m 74 yo w/5 psychiatric DXs and have been in therapy since the 70’s. Only recently have I discovered my true problem: self-hate. Pubmed had an article which proposed a self-hate assessment tool, but I couldn’t access it w/out an institutional subscription. My current psychiatrist thinks the underlying problem throughout my life is/was trauma. I live in a constant state of limbic alarm, which, when triggered, I always melt-down. This reinforces self-hate for my behavior. My family blames me, believing I have self-agency to control my behavior. I can’t even feel who I am and never did. My life in 6 words: I’ve been lost and not found.
It would allow me to show up more fully and allow myself to be more fully seen. I believe this is very key for me yet it’s been so hard to do so I’m grateful for this topic.
I have often gone into reactive defensiveness when someone disagrees with me and when that happens, it leaves me going over and over in my mind why I am right, or what I did wrong; neither strategy makes me feel better as they rooted in shame.
colleen flanigan, Another Field, Pacific Grove, CA, USAsays
It is so helpful to keep practicing a more tempered and curious approach towards my own emotions and thoughts so that my reactions don’t become an opportunity to be harder on myself or others. In relationship w my mother or boyfriend, for example, I can worry less and reduce blaming or judging all of us for falling short in situations where really we are coming up against raw old wounds and need pauses to feel the present, to become aware of the inner narrative or flashback enough to actually recognize the better loving action we would can choose now. We are not in the old moment, but as my therapist says – “similar is perceived as same to the mind body.” Forgiving myself and others is the way to let us of the hook of our own suffering, or to aknowledge its effects when hidden, open our hearts to healing.
I am a Practitioner of the Feldenkrais Method of Somatic Education When I tried the exercise you shared at the end, reflecting on a relationship where I feel I hurt someone, Then holding myself dear and forgiving myself, I softened. It felt like a clamp on my brain let go, like an opening. I recognized that this harsh self judge was a familiar character that was created in me when I had a childhood trauma. I couldn’t reconcile what had happened to me and this is what my young self did to make some kind of sense of it to me. I feel calm and with less turning thoughts. Calm and open to the world and others, instead of closed in fear and self-hatred.
Thank you for sharing this insight! Shame is a difficult emotion, and one that many people struggle with. I apprecitate the perspective of noticing what the emotion is (or isn’t) doing for us.
Acknowledging my own feelings of guilt, sorrow and loss, may bring a sense of validation to the person that is hurting. Hopeful, this will begin the path forward in our relationship, for forgiveness, healing and growth.
Pamela d'Sophia, Social Work, Oakland, CA, USAsays
I’m thinking about the arguments I had with my ex-husband, how angry and rageful I was. I almost felt violent. I have never felt good about these explosive moments. And I’ve actually been afraid of my own anger because of it. When I reflect on the hurt behind it, I realize how little I took care of myself and my own hurt in that relationship. My angry outbursts seem to assume that my ex was responsible for my feelings. How unfair to myself and to him. Unpacking this offers room to grow in self-love and maturity with others. ahhh….
When I did the exercise I imagined saying sorry to the person I hurt (I feel in my heart the pain I caused you) and I decided I was not going to do something like that again. That felt good. I’ve learned. That is the function of guilt anyway, isn’t it? It enables you to become aware of how your behaviour has caused pain and then to change it. Thank you for sharing.
Tara, I came across your book Radical Compassion at the right time and it has made a tremendous difference in my life, one of those key before and after moments. Thank you!
My inner critic is something I still struggle with, and although I’ve made great strides, feeling of shame and self judgement are something I still struggle with. This question you pose here is so helpful- for me and for my clients. Thank you for your wisdom
It would make me more aware of what is going on around me, as well as inside me, i.e. Letting go of the self-judgement and punishment will bring me peace of mind. That, in turn, will allow me to step out of reactivity, thus preventing future outbursts. Hence, there will be less cause for self-judgement and punishment. Self-forgiveness is what will break the vicious circle of outbursts -> self-judgement -> self-punishment -> outbursts.
I feel that forgiving myself for not seeing my sister for who she really is, due to our mutual youth full of fear and abuse where we both slipped into survival mode, opens the space to contact her again. Free of judgement and resentment for the past.
Thanks for your video and exercise. They really help!
Warm regards, Michiel (The Netherlands)
I picked my relationship with myself. After genuinely forgiving myself for self-neglect and sabotage over years, and reminding myself that this is something I picked up as a child, and clung to unknowingly and so it is really not my fault. Nor is it really my guilt to hold on to, I am beginning to feel more space and freedom in my breath and body
Thank you, Tara! I’ve been now going through a rough patch with my 22 yo daughter. She’s living in another county and not communicating with us. I’ve been living with the feeling of guilt – that she’s chosen her path away from us because she hates us and because I’ve made major mistakes while bringing her up. I could feel the self-blame as tight, very tight – to pain – muscles around the back of my shoulders and up the neck. The pain only went away yesterday after a bit of Kundalini yoga I do regularly. But now, when I focused my thinking about the relationship with my daughter, my body indicated directly the tightness in the neck-shoulder muscles. The ‘It’s not your fault’ felt liberating. I felt the vastness of life, people’s choices, and possibilities. I can now breathe freely. I am aware that our children take their own paths and have their own lives, and we need to accept – radically the fact. I want to trust that it’s not my fault that she’s quite estranged at the moment. Still, being mindful about the role I and my choices have in my daughter’s life. The biggest irony is that these choices I’ve done were with the thought and love for her. 😣🤷♀️😅
I was surprised when I heard about Sam because I do that both internally with myself and externally with my relationship with my mother. I think about the action my judgmental mind has identified as not being my best self and the possibility of forgiving myself for the action is terrifying, I feel that would be the worst thing to do, that it would enable bad behavior. I still believe that as I am typing this here. But I understand and appreciate what you are saying and I want to give it a try now. Because as you said being judgmental and feeling hatred towards myself has gotten me nowhere over the years.
I’m 74 yo w/5 psychiatric DXs and have been in therapy since the 70’s. Only recently have I discovered my true problem: self-hate. Pubmed had an article which proposed a self-hate assessment tool, but I couldn’t access it w/out an institutional subscription. My current psychiatrist thinks the underlying problem throughout my life is/was trauma. I live in a constant state of limbic alarm, which, when triggered, I always melt-down. This reinforces self-hate for my behavior. My family blames me, believing I have self-agency to control my behavior. I can’t even feel who I am and never did. My life in 6 words: I’ve been lost and not found.
I could really feel a shift from deep guilt to more self compassion
I would be more at ease with myself and the ones that “make” me feel so fearful and guilty for not being enough.
It would allow me to show up more fully and allow myself to be more fully seen. I believe this is very key for me yet it’s been so hard to do so I’m grateful for this topic.
I have often gone into reactive defensiveness when someone disagrees with me and when that happens, it leaves me going over and over in my mind why I am right, or what I did wrong; neither strategy makes me feel better as they rooted in shame.
It is so helpful to keep practicing a more tempered and curious approach towards my own emotions and thoughts so that my reactions don’t become an opportunity to be harder on myself or others. In relationship w my mother or boyfriend, for example, I can worry less and reduce blaming or judging all of us for falling short in situations where really we are coming up against raw old wounds and need pauses to feel the present, to become aware of the inner narrative or flashback enough to actually recognize the better loving action we would can choose now. We are not in the old moment, but as my therapist says – “similar is perceived as same to the mind body.” Forgiving myself and others is the way to let us of the hook of our own suffering, or to aknowledge its effects when hidden, open our hearts to healing.
I would be more openhearyed and qenuine. I would have more space to share. I would be more at ease.
I am a Practitioner of the Feldenkrais Method of Somatic Education When I tried the exercise you shared at the end, reflecting on a relationship where I feel I hurt someone, Then holding myself dear and forgiving myself, I softened. It felt like a clamp on my brain let go, like an opening. I recognized that this harsh self judge was a familiar character that was created in me when I had a childhood trauma. I couldn’t reconcile what had happened to me and this is what my young self did to make some kind of sense of it to me. I feel calm and with less turning thoughts. Calm and open to the world and others, instead of closed in fear and self-hatred.
Thanks for this – Sonny MH Clinician/psychiatric nurse
These are helpful questions. Imagining this in your mind’s eye helps build the neuropathways, allowing the letting go and forgiveness of self.
Thank you for sharing this insight! Shame is a difficult emotion, and one that many people struggle with. I apprecitate the perspective of noticing what the emotion is (or isn’t) doing for us.
Acknowledging my own feelings of guilt, sorrow and loss, may bring a sense of validation to the person that is hurting. Hopeful, this will begin the path forward in our relationship, for forgiveness, healing and growth.
I’m thinking about the arguments I had with my ex-husband, how angry and rageful I was. I almost felt violent. I have never felt good about these explosive moments. And I’ve actually been afraid of my own anger because of it. When I reflect on the hurt behind it, I realize how little I took care of myself and my own hurt in that relationship. My angry outbursts seem to assume that my ex was responsible for my feelings. How unfair to myself and to him. Unpacking this offers room to grow in self-love and maturity with others. ahhh….
When I did the exercise I imagined saying sorry to the person I hurt (I feel in my heart the pain I caused you) and I decided I was not going to do something like that again. That felt good. I’ve learned. That is the function of guilt anyway, isn’t it? It enables you to become aware of how your behaviour has caused pain and then to change it. Thank you for sharing.
This reminds me of self honesty and that I need to be aware of what is going on in me.
Thanks
Tara, I came across your book Radical Compassion at the right time and it has made a tremendous difference in my life, one of those key before and after moments. Thank you!
My inner critic is something I still struggle with, and although I’ve made great strides, feeling of shame and self judgement are something I still struggle with. This question you pose here is so helpful- for me and for my clients. Thank you for your wisdom
It would make me more aware of what is going on around me, as well as inside me, i.e. Letting go of the self-judgement and punishment will bring me peace of mind. That, in turn, will allow me to step out of reactivity, thus preventing future outbursts. Hence, there will be less cause for self-judgement and punishment. Self-forgiveness is what will break the vicious circle of outbursts -> self-judgement -> self-punishment -> outbursts.
I feel that forgiving myself for not seeing my sister for who she really is, due to our mutual youth full of fear and abuse where we both slipped into survival mode, opens the space to contact her again. Free of judgement and resentment for the past.
Thanks for your video and exercise. They really help!
Warm regards, Michiel (The Netherlands)
I picked my relationship with myself. After genuinely forgiving myself for self-neglect and sabotage over years, and reminding myself that this is something I picked up as a child, and clung to unknowingly and so it is really not my fault. Nor is it really my guilt to hold on to, I am beginning to feel more space and freedom in my breath and body
I felt suffering and fear, but I started with hope. I will continue.
And I now say thank you. I hope to share this practice with others.
Thank you, Tara! I’ve been now going through a rough patch with my 22 yo daughter. She’s living in another county and not communicating with us. I’ve been living with the feeling of guilt – that she’s chosen her path away from us because she hates us and because I’ve made major mistakes while bringing her up. I could feel the self-blame as tight, very tight – to pain – muscles around the back of my shoulders and up the neck. The pain only went away yesterday after a bit of Kundalini yoga I do regularly. But now, when I focused my thinking about the relationship with my daughter, my body indicated directly the tightness in the neck-shoulder muscles. The ‘It’s not your fault’ felt liberating. I felt the vastness of life, people’s choices, and possibilities. I can now breathe freely. I am aware that our children take their own paths and have their own lives, and we need to accept – radically the fact. I want to trust that it’s not my fault that she’s quite estranged at the moment. Still, being mindful about the role I and my choices have in my daughter’s life. The biggest irony is that these choices I’ve done were with the thought and love for her. 😣🤷♀️😅
I feel more space inside
I was surprised when I heard about Sam because I do that both internally with myself and externally with my relationship with my mother. I think about the action my judgmental mind has identified as not being my best self and the possibility of forgiving myself for the action is terrifying, I feel that would be the worst thing to do, that it would enable bad behavior. I still believe that as I am typing this here. But I understand and appreciate what you are saying and I want to give it a try now. Because as you said being judgmental and feeling hatred towards myself has gotten me nowhere over the years.
Deeper insights help refine awareness progression… Thank-you.