Lovely and so accessible , will make time to practice this . I wonder as so much feels preverbal its often hard to find words as they are layered over this …..
Tara I appreciate your calm presence always with a smile. You just seem so real to me! I realize I have to forgive myself for not being as smart and capable as my sister. Let me rephrase that … for thinking I was a disappointment in my family because I was social and not academic. Thanks for this prompt to notice!
I am always afraid that giving love and acceptance to that part that feels shame is just going to make me act in a worse way. I will start practicing and trying this self acceptance more. I have nothing to lose
i especially was struck by
the saying from the African village:
“Revenge is lazy grief”
i am looking more deeply into the relationship of my “better” mind’s connection to the core from which all seems to originate outward while all seems to penetrate inward more deeply.
As i “look” at relationships with other “persons” i have a sense that for me the “pattern” of the primary relationship of “better mind” – “core” is virtually the template for “my” relationships with others.
So “i” try to let the first thoughts of “Fix This” flow towards “with understanding how to love more.”
Thank YOU for making this video series available in a concise format.
Vengeance is a lazy form of grief. As a drama therapist I was intrigued at how action is informed by feeling or emotion here. Great appreciation for your sharing is. Thank you
i especially was struck by
the saying from the African village:
“Revenge is lazy grief”
i am looking more deeply into the relationship of my “better” mind’s connection to the core from which all seems to originate outward while all seems to penetrate inward more deeply.
As i “look” at relationships with other “persons” i have a sense that for me the “pattern” of the primary relationship of “better mind” – “core” is virtually the template for “my” relationships with others.
So “i” try to let the first thoughts of “Fix This” flow towards “with understanding how to love more.”
Thank YOU for making this video series available in a concise format.
Very helpful having Tara share her way of helping clients with their guilt, shame and badness. I have several clients struggling with this and I will try the Sam exercise with them. Thanks.
When we can forgive ourselves our hearts expand and we are better able to see how much more alike we are than different. We live in a world full of paradox and so much suffering is created out of misunderstanding that acceptance equals approval. Non acceptance of the pain we feel causes us more suffering. When we can see where we truly are we can that make informed choices and be more loving to ourselves and in the process others.
thank you, so glad I saw this at this last moment.
I loved the quote ‘vengeance is a lazy form of grief’ – will chew a bit on that… and also happy to mention it to our little sangha where we are mediting around healing feelings of shame these days..
Made me think about whether I am being truly dishonest or being honest with myself. It depends on the wave of feeling that I have at the time. Ephemeral, and liable to heighten or diminish my feelings of guilt
By genuinely forgiving themselves they will give themselves the loving kindness they deserve. It will shift them from judgement to compassion. Only when they can see themselves through the lens of compassion will they genuinely be able to see others with the same compassion and will help them to open their hearts and heal. It is the key step for healing the world by healing themselves 🙂
I do feel a lot of hateful feelings towards my brother most of the time because of the way he treated me as a child. He used to really hurt me and make me feel powerless. I’ve never forgiven my brother for what he did. I still don’t like him even now sometimes. I cannot really live with him but I’m having to after splitting up with my husband just over two years ago and I’ve not been dealing with the situation very well. In time I may be able to be forgiving of my brother for what he did to me. My sister was in on it too and I’ve been able to forgive and be more loving towards her. But I cannot quite do that with my brother just yet. I do plan to use these ideas and practices to help me to forgive my brother for what he did to me and be more loving towards him like I did with my sister if it’s not too late.
Thank you Tara and Ruth! Tara I think your suggestions are very good and most welcome. You have been working in this space for a very long time as have I as a clinician, teacher and researcher. I think it can be very hard for developmentally traumatized people to truly “practice” often because of internalized self-loathing, dissociation of thoughts, feelings and embodied experiences and not ever having previously experienced much of a felt sense internalized compassion. This does not mean it is impossible and I do not think it is simple or linear for many people.
I think often when we’re very young we blame ourselves for things that are not our fault as its inconceivable to see our caregivers as flawed. So this becomes almost an unconscious response pattern and blocks our development to wholeness. It also makes it really hard to forgive ourselves which is why support to achieve this is so important. Thank you for this video clip!
I’m now recalling my current state and relationship with my therapist who I feel has not been responsive to me recently and I felt once again that expressing a need was a dangerous thing to do, once again that I’m too much for others, too heavy to carry, too demanding, even though what I’ve asked for to me was a minimum level of response to my need of feeling genuine connection and presence with me for the 1 hour I feel I deserve. I didn’t receive any reaction to my request. Now I realize that a deep trauma pain of feeling ununderstood and loneliness, “i’m too much for others” has arisen, which makes me feel resentful for my therapist and ready to sever the relationship. What helps me is to realize that people have their own issues and that it’s not my fault that they are not able to show up to me, and it doesn’t have to be their own fault either, but what matters at the moment, is to realize that “I’m not too much”, I am who I am, however big my suffering is, I am here with me to hold myself in my suffering and see the depth it’s coming from. This allows me to also let go the feeling of resentment and allow the possibility of others to come to terms with themselves and maybe they will hear my call for help, and if not them, maybe somebody else will show up for me so I don’t need to shut down my need for genuine connection.
So Healing
Thankyou and bringing more mindfulness as well.
This gives more clarity and grounding and love to my
whole Self.
Thank you !
Peace & Love xx
Thank you so much for your good useful tips. I’ve noticed awareness and enhancing self worth helps so much. As for the exercise it is so different when instead of self guilt you approach it with self forgiveness. This shift motivates you to flourish….
It bring info mind that we are both light and darkness and invites darkness into a kind consiousness where nobody is wrong and i clearly see the suffering that Can be healed
Thank you. Very loving presentation. This will benefit so many of the couples I see. The source of the difficulties seem to occur simultaneously. One partner is like the doctor in the first video- he ruins the relationship in anticipation of being rejected. The other partner harbors self hate, or doubt, or a lack of certainty about their identity – perhaps even feeling like an imposter. So the person, through the unacknowledged vulnerability – accepts and projects the sense of devaluation- not being good enough or always being wrong or found out.
I can see the clarity in your technique. Can you do it simultaneously with both partners?
Thank you. Very loving presentation. This will benefit so many of the couples I see. The source of the difficulties seem to occur simultaneously. One partner is like the doctor in the first video- he ruins the relationship in anticipation of being rejected. The other partner harbors self hate, or doubt, or a lack of certainty about their identity – perhaps even feeling like an imposter. So the person, through the unacknowledged vulnerability – accepts and projects the sense of devaluation- not being good enough or always being wrong or found out.
I can see the clarity in your technique. Can you do it simultaneously with both partners?
This practice can be freedom to myself and others which will being deeper connection. Our belonging to one another is guided by the belonging with our most authentic selves.
Thank you for sharing. That one question, “Has your self judgement made you a better person” really hit home.
Vengeance is a lazy form of grief. I love that saying!
Lovely and so accessible , will make time to practice this . I wonder as so much feels preverbal its often hard to find words as they are layered over this …..
Thankyou
Tara I appreciate your calm presence always with a smile. You just seem so real to me! I realize I have to forgive myself for not being as smart and capable as my sister. Let me rephrase that … for thinking I was a disappointment in my family because I was social and not academic. Thanks for this prompt to notice!
I felt lighter
I am always afraid that giving love and acceptance to that part that feels shame is just going to make me act in a worse way. I will start practicing and trying this self acceptance more. I have nothing to lose
Thank you- I was overcome with sadness for some reason. More exploration ahead….!
Thank you for sharing this important teaching for us all.
Forgiving Oneself goes a long way towards allowing my clients to accept themselves.
More good tips.
I really like that quote – Vengeance is a lazy form of grief. Food for thought …
i especially was struck by
the saying from the African village:
“Revenge is lazy grief”
i am looking more deeply into the relationship of my “better” mind’s connection to the core from which all seems to originate outward while all seems to penetrate inward more deeply.
As i “look” at relationships with other “persons” i have a sense that for me the “pattern” of the primary relationship of “better mind” – “core” is virtually the template for “my” relationships with others.
So “i” try to let the first thoughts of “Fix This” flow towards “with understanding how to love more.”
Thank YOU for making this video series available in a concise format.
Vengeance is a lazy form of grief. As a drama therapist I was intrigued at how action is informed by feeling or emotion here. Great appreciation for your sharing is. Thank you
i especially was struck by
the saying from the African village:
“Revenge is lazy grief”
i am looking more deeply into the relationship of my “better” mind’s connection to the core from which all seems to originate outward while all seems to penetrate inward more deeply.
As i “look” at relationships with other “persons” i have a sense that for me the “pattern” of the primary relationship of “better mind” – “core” is virtually the template for “my” relationships with others.
So “i” try to let the first thoughts of “Fix This” flow towards “with understanding how to love more.”
Thank YOU for making this video series available in a concise format.
Very helpful, thanks.
Very helpful having Tara share her way of helping clients with their guilt, shame and badness. I have several clients struggling with this and I will try the Sam exercise with them. Thanks.
When we can forgive ourselves our hearts expand and we are better able to see how much more alike we are than different. We live in a world full of paradox and so much suffering is created out of misunderstanding that acceptance equals approval. Non acceptance of the pain we feel causes us more suffering. When we can see where we truly are we can that make informed choices and be more loving to ourselves and in the process others.
Thank you.
thank you, so glad I saw this at this last moment.
I loved the quote ‘vengeance is a lazy form of grief’ – will chew a bit on that… and also happy to mention it to our little sangha where we are mediting around healing feelings of shame these days..
LG, psychologist and mindfuless teacher
Thank you for the work.
Made me think about whether I am being truly dishonest or being honest with myself. It depends on the wave of feeling that I have at the time. Ephemeral, and liable to heighten or diminish my feelings of guilt
By genuinely forgiving themselves they will give themselves the loving kindness they deserve. It will shift them from judgement to compassion. Only when they can see themselves through the lens of compassion will they genuinely be able to see others with the same compassion and will help them to open their hearts and heal. It is the key step for healing the world by healing themselves 🙂
I do feel a lot of hateful feelings towards my brother most of the time because of the way he treated me as a child. He used to really hurt me and make me feel powerless. I’ve never forgiven my brother for what he did. I still don’t like him even now sometimes. I cannot really live with him but I’m having to after splitting up with my husband just over two years ago and I’ve not been dealing with the situation very well. In time I may be able to be forgiving of my brother for what he did to me. My sister was in on it too and I’ve been able to forgive and be more loving towards her. But I cannot quite do that with my brother just yet. I do plan to use these ideas and practices to help me to forgive my brother for what he did to me and be more loving towards him like I did with my sister if it’s not too late.
Please type your comment here…
Thank you Tara and Ruth! Tara I think your suggestions are very good and most welcome. You have been working in this space for a very long time as have I as a clinician, teacher and researcher. I think it can be very hard for developmentally traumatized people to truly “practice” often because of internalized self-loathing, dissociation of thoughts, feelings and embodied experiences and not ever having previously experienced much of a felt sense internalized compassion. This does not mean it is impossible and I do not think it is simple or linear for many people.
I think often when we’re very young we blame ourselves for things that are not our fault as its inconceivable to see our caregivers as flawed. So this becomes almost an unconscious response pattern and blocks our development to wholeness. It also makes it really hard to forgive ourselves which is why support to achieve this is so important. Thank you for this video clip!
It is not your fault. A powerful statement to let go of self rejection.
I’m now recalling my current state and relationship with my therapist who I feel has not been responsive to me recently and I felt once again that expressing a need was a dangerous thing to do, once again that I’m too much for others, too heavy to carry, too demanding, even though what I’ve asked for to me was a minimum level of response to my need of feeling genuine connection and presence with me for the 1 hour I feel I deserve. I didn’t receive any reaction to my request. Now I realize that a deep trauma pain of feeling ununderstood and loneliness, “i’m too much for others” has arisen, which makes me feel resentful for my therapist and ready to sever the relationship. What helps me is to realize that people have their own issues and that it’s not my fault that they are not able to show up to me, and it doesn’t have to be their own fault either, but what matters at the moment, is to realize that “I’m not too much”, I am who I am, however big my suffering is, I am here with me to hold myself in my suffering and see the depth it’s coming from. This allows me to also let go the feeling of resentment and allow the possibility of others to come to terms with themselves and maybe they will hear my call for help, and if not them, maybe somebody else will show up for me so I don’t need to shut down my need for genuine connection.
I felt a softening and opening in my chest,,,and some hope for the future.
stop re-opening old wounds
Thank you Tara. Self forgiveness is crucial to enable us to forgive others and let the loving energy to flow.
imagining this helps create a sense of weight/ barrier lifting and a way to move forwards
So Healing
Thankyou and bringing more mindfulness as well.
This gives more clarity and grounding and love to my
whole Self.
Thank you !
Peace & Love xx
Genuine peace.
Self forgiveness and self compassion offer a sense of agency and opening to connection rather the disconnect that comes with managing outcomes.
Enlightening. The exercise took me where I did not expect. Behavior that resulted in shame is my struggle. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your good useful tips. I’ve noticed awareness and enhancing self worth helps so much. As for the exercise it is so different when instead of self guilt you approach it with self forgiveness. This shift motivates you to flourish….
Interesting! Have to try it out.
Lovely taster for the programme to come.
genuine forgiveness can cause a softening and expansion which then allows other good stuff in!
It bring info mind that we are both light and darkness and invites darkness into a kind consiousness where nobody is wrong and i clearly see the suffering that Can be healed
Thank you. This is so helpful. Forgiveness for one’s self is so hard, but you present a clear way forward:)
Thank you. Very loving presentation. This will benefit so many of the couples I see. The source of the difficulties seem to occur simultaneously. One partner is like the doctor in the first video- he ruins the relationship in anticipation of being rejected. The other partner harbors self hate, or doubt, or a lack of certainty about their identity – perhaps even feeling like an imposter. So the person, through the unacknowledged vulnerability – accepts and projects the sense of devaluation- not being good enough or always being wrong or found out.
I can see the clarity in your technique. Can you do it simultaneously with both partners?
Loved your videos. This is so relevant for almost all my clients. Thank you
Thank you. Very loving presentation. This will benefit so many of the couples I see. The source of the difficulties seem to occur simultaneously. One partner is like the doctor in the first video- he ruins the relationship in anticipation of being rejected. The other partner harbors self hate, or doubt, or a lack of certainty about their identity – perhaps even feeling like an imposter. So the person, through the unacknowledged vulnerability – accepts and projects the sense of devaluation- not being good enough or always being wrong or found out.
I can see the clarity in your technique. Can you do it simultaneously with both partners?
Feels protective gentle, peaceful.
This practice can be freedom to myself and others which will being deeper connection. Our belonging to one another is guided by the belonging with our most authentic selves.
Thanks, practice is the best word and I will attempt to practice the recommended exercise
This excerise brought a sense of calm and in this calmness forgiveness was easier
Very insightful, thank you Tara