Its a challenge for clients to see the idea of self acceptance and “No fault” guiding future actions in a more positive manner. Their human frailty looks first to self survival, self satisfaction of essential needs, more is needed to provide a non judgemental direction towards healthy living. There are a plethora of value questions and Ethnocentric cultural concerns within these practices. Feel good exercises such as 101 mindfulness provide little long term direction towards ” intrapersonal /interpersonal integration”. Your writing on “Radical acceptance” provides a better overview than these video clips.
Kathy Hardie-Williams M.Ed MS DC PC MFT, Coach, Lake Oswego, OR, USAsays
Hi Tara! It’s so helpful to hear about self forgiveness. It’s the hardest form of forgiveness (I believe). Self forgiveness can be extremely difficult and I believe it’s because when we forgive ourselves, we have to acknowledge our actions. Thank you so much for this
I find myself looking into a personal relationship where wanting my brothers wellbeing, I feel guilt that with my Core Process nd Mindfulness Post Grad training … I should be more compassionate of his alcohol addiction… guilt at closing off from self nd him… its present.
I know I want him to change, whilst helpless in the face of his pain family dysfunction, intergenerational harm in his own divorce, self isolation…
Bringing awareness this is not my fault, guilt is not helping, just being with self compassionate gesture nd softening in the moment … many lessons here 🙏
So much of what many feel shame and guilt about relates to their personal experience of trauma (it must be my fault that this happened to me). Bringing awareness and loving kindness to your self can let the flow begin, let the healing start – it lets someone begin to feel that it’s not their fault. Its a lifelong practice. Thanks for this. Inspiring as ever.
Thank you for your insights about self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. I find we often believe that by holding onto the self-loathing and self-punishment, we are, in a way, making amends for the wrongdoing. In fact though, after watching your video, it seems that it is these very emotions which are, in fact, self-sabotaging future growth as well as sabotaging a chance at developing healthy relationships. We often focus on making amends with others, yet it is equally important to make amends with ourselves.
I have a mental illness diagnosis. This makes me second guess my close relationships with others often at various stages in my life. There is a relationship in my life with someone who has very loose boundaries. I have more rigid ones which make me feel more comfortable with myself and others. The questioning of the validity of keeping my own boundaries in this relationship led me down a slippery slope of emotional upheaval. I now have a therapist who has made me see that it is OK to keep my own boundaries with this other person and as my psychiatrist says ” You don’t have to play to win.” In fact if I don’t play with this person? I DO win my own values stay intact. So I must forgive myself my lack of good judgment during the past nine years of being friends with this inappropriate relationship. And? Move on….
I imagined my relationship with my daughter, then genuinely forgave myself for some actions I believed I should have pushed harder for when she was a child.
It opened up my heart to her and made me feel free to love her.
I can trust myself more in my relationship, that I will be more mindful of my beliefs and thoughts while also allowing myself to be more open and vulnerable.
Hi thank you for the useful videos I am a psychologist and would like to receive the handout of this exercise.
I also have a question, how would we work with people who feel guilty and ashamed of their desires and standing up for themselves because they are in abusive relationship
I often witness clients develop self-forgiveness and greater connection following compassion-focused processing of their parts using combined therapeutic methods. All of those methods need to be led with loving kindness and acceptance. I need to be connected with them in that moment for them to feel safe. I think it is during those moments that they finally feel what they intellectually understood after their early therapy sessions: that it’s not their fault.
Thanks Tara for your beautiful videos. You have a lovely, everything-is-going-to-be-all-right=presence. Simply magic!
Thank you Tara for these powerful videos. This video was a realisation to it’s not my fault for what happened through childhood and feeling the trauma of my Fathers rage.
So, there’s 2 things: and they’re in tension with each other. On the one hand, forgiving myself lightens the burden of guilt and self-loathing that feeds the downward spiral into the abyss. On the other hand there is the sense that forgiving myself isn’t clearly distinguishable from excusing myself, giving myself a pass, a pardon, a “get out of jail for free” card; and this has the effect of initiating self-doubt, precisely in connection with this practice of self-forgiveness. And in the midst of this dialectic, this back and forth, I find I lack the self-confidence to choose and confirm the choice to forgive myself. Does that make sense?
When I do so – I feel more free and then I am able to see more the person and to observe more the relationship and feel the feelings they are there …..
Thank you very much for this video!
I’m aware that judging my-self and thinking that something is unforgivable, alienates me from others, from life and from my own spaciousness. Yet, I haven’t been able to forgive myself. I haven’t been able to experience that turning point of true forgiveness and openness.
Self forgiveness creates an open space to re-choose how to be in relationship to the person you care for and wish you had not hurt. Remaining in self judgment leaves you in a box of unresolved conflict in which there is little room for movement or change.
This relates to the first question on authenticity. If one is willing to be vulnerable and forgive oneself, The potential to renew the relationship in a more vulnerable way becomes possible. It takes down the walls of shame and grief.
The biggest epiphany is that self judgement and being caught up in guilt doesn’t help. It just feeds the monster. I looked back at relationships that has changed during the last couple of years because I forgave myself and also the other person. It feels like letting go of endless amounts of confusion, Self-criticism and anger .. it feels empty but also freeing.there’s a lot of sorrow of not having known this before amd acting accordingly
Less judgement towards others as a result – seeing thwir self judgement being placed out on mw and then might ignited and played out in oir rwlatio ship. A depleting cylce of potential of love and connection
thank you so much dear Tara
I felt much sadness come up about how I have been with my daughter … I cried deeply and hopefully I can keep practising and be more open softer and spacious, more loving with myself and then in turn be more open hearted with others
I’m so painfully aware of how my self judgement, shame and anxiety more and more block my ability to be present and loving
Forgiving myself has never been easy. I look forward to finding some peace and understanding within myself after trying this program. Thank you for your kind words and your giving spirit. It is what is getting me through these tough times.
Just turning the lens to forgiving myself has allowed me to see how I have been projecting this onto my partner. Taking responsibility for the things I blame/judge others is my ongoing challenge
It’s seems these things are just a matter of “remembering” I look forward to a time when I stop forgetting this and having to experience the suffering of losing intimacy and loving relationships
I feel that it’s heart softening to say to myself
It’s not my fault
Or something in this tone.
Cause I usually am just hard hard on myself and only the self inner critic voice wants to point a finger at me. Almost like the same as Sam – that’s how my father treating himself. So sad. I want to just have love and compassion for self and be in my heart center. Warm and melt the heart armor.
Personally struggling with deep hurt by my now ex-partner and doing work on not just knowing that I am enough, but also feeling it. I realize that my feelings of unworthiness have made it difficult for me to accept love from others. Self-acceptance and self-love are difficult and require daily practice and definitely make a difference. Thank you
What you say is so true Tara,
Thank you
I’m dealing with a betrayal and it is very hard to forgive myself for my part.
I think that exercise will really help a client I have a lot of difficulty with – Thank you
Its a challenge for clients to see the idea of self acceptance and “No fault” guiding future actions in a more positive manner. Their human frailty looks first to self survival, self satisfaction of essential needs, more is needed to provide a non judgemental direction towards healthy living. There are a plethora of value questions and Ethnocentric cultural concerns within these practices. Feel good exercises such as 101 mindfulness provide little long term direction towards ” intrapersonal /interpersonal integration”. Your writing on “Radical acceptance” provides a better overview than these video clips.
Hi Tara! It’s so helpful to hear about self forgiveness. It’s the hardest form of forgiveness (I believe). Self forgiveness can be extremely difficult and I believe it’s because when we forgive ourselves, we have to acknowledge our actions. Thank you so much for this
I found your insights very helpful and the idea of connecting clients with a compassionate self is a powerful practice.
I find myself looking into a personal relationship where wanting my brothers wellbeing, I feel guilt that with my Core Process nd Mindfulness Post Grad training … I should be more compassionate of his alcohol addiction… guilt at closing off from self nd him… its present.
I know I want him to change, whilst helpless in the face of his pain family dysfunction, intergenerational harm in his own divorce, self isolation…
Bringing awareness this is not my fault, guilt is not helping, just being with self compassionate gesture nd softening in the moment … many lessons here 🙏
very useful, but very hard to put into practice. I avoid feeling the guilt as it’s so painful, but this practice does give a step to try. thank you
Thank you for your compassionate being – it’s healing in itself. I wish I could bring that into the world, too….
love and compassion for my hurt part came to mind.
So much of what many feel shame and guilt about relates to their personal experience of trauma (it must be my fault that this happened to me). Bringing awareness and loving kindness to your self can let the flow begin, let the healing start – it lets someone begin to feel that it’s not their fault. Its a lifelong practice. Thanks for this. Inspiring as ever.
Thank you for your insights about self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. I find we often believe that by holding onto the self-loathing and self-punishment, we are, in a way, making amends for the wrongdoing. In fact though, after watching your video, it seems that it is these very emotions which are, in fact, self-sabotaging future growth as well as sabotaging a chance at developing healthy relationships. We often focus on making amends with others, yet it is equally important to make amends with ourselves.
Compasssion to self is so powerful, thank you for this
I have a mental illness diagnosis. This makes me second guess my close relationships with others often at various stages in my life. There is a relationship in my life with someone who has very loose boundaries. I have more rigid ones which make me feel more comfortable with myself and others. The questioning of the validity of keeping my own boundaries in this relationship led me down a slippery slope of emotional upheaval. I now have a therapist who has made me see that it is OK to keep my own boundaries with this other person and as my psychiatrist says ” You don’t have to play to win.” In fact if I don’t play with this person? I DO win my own values stay intact. So I must forgive myself my lack of good judgment during the past nine years of being friends with this inappropriate relationship. And? Move on….
I imagined my relationship with my daughter, then genuinely forgave myself for some actions I believed I should have pushed harder for when she was a child.
It opened up my heart to her and made me feel free to love her.
Greater connection and presence..
really useful
I can trust myself more in my relationship, that I will be more mindful of my beliefs and thoughts while also allowing myself to be more open and vulnerable.
You can change yourself others you can only love. Also making amends is also possible if this is not harmful to the other (s)
12 step wisdom
Hi thank you for the useful videos I am a psychologist and would like to receive the handout of this exercise.
I also have a question, how would we work with people who feel guilty and ashamed of their desires and standing up for themselves because they are in abusive relationship
I found that really helpful, I could feel the change in my body. Thank you.
Imagining this made me feel softer and more emotional and willing to change how I am within relationships. Thank you so much!
Thank you very much for these videos, merci ! I really need to ponder these prompts as I feel they are keys.
I see it and feel it all.
I often witness clients develop self-forgiveness and greater connection following compassion-focused processing of their parts using combined therapeutic methods. All of those methods need to be led with loving kindness and acceptance. I need to be connected with them in that moment for them to feel safe. I think it is during those moments that they finally feel what they intellectually understood after their early therapy sessions: that it’s not their fault.
Thanks Tara for your beautiful videos. You have a lovely, everything-is-going-to-be-all-right=presence. Simply magic!
Thank you Tara for these powerful videos. This video was a realisation to it’s not my fault for what happened through childhood and feeling the trauma of my Fathers rage.
So, there’s 2 things: and they’re in tension with each other. On the one hand, forgiving myself lightens the burden of guilt and self-loathing that feeds the downward spiral into the abyss. On the other hand there is the sense that forgiving myself isn’t clearly distinguishable from excusing myself, giving myself a pass, a pardon, a “get out of jail for free” card; and this has the effect of initiating self-doubt, precisely in connection with this practice of self-forgiveness. And in the midst of this dialectic, this back and forth, I find I lack the self-confidence to choose and confirm the choice to forgive myself. Does that make sense?
It is not your fault is a powerful expression.
These are very helpful.
When I do so – I feel more free and then I am able to see more the person and to observe more the relationship and feel the feelings they are there …..
Thank you very much for this video!
I’m aware that judging my-self and thinking that something is unforgivable, alienates me from others, from life and from my own spaciousness. Yet, I haven’t been able to forgive myself. I haven’t been able to experience that turning point of true forgiveness and openness.
Helpful teachings
Really helpful information… I’m looking forward to using some of the ideas out especially with one client in particular
Self forgiveness creates an open space to re-choose how to be in relationship to the person you care for and wish you had not hurt. Remaining in self judgment leaves you in a box of unresolved conflict in which there is little room for movement or change.
This relates to the first question on authenticity. If one is willing to be vulnerable and forgive oneself, The potential to renew the relationship in a more vulnerable way becomes possible. It takes down the walls of shame and grief.
Self compassion is key!
The biggest epiphany is that self judgement and being caught up in guilt doesn’t help. It just feeds the monster. I looked back at relationships that has changed during the last couple of years because I forgave myself and also the other person. It feels like letting go of endless amounts of confusion, Self-criticism and anger .. it feels empty but also freeing.there’s a lot of sorrow of not having known this before amd acting accordingly
Less judgment of him – he’s human too…
Self compassion is the key
Less judgement towards others as a result – seeing thwir self judgement being placed out on mw and then might ignited and played out in oir rwlatio ship. A depleting cylce of potential of love and connection
thank you so much dear Tara
I felt much sadness come up about how I have been with my daughter … I cried deeply and hopefully I can keep practising and be more open softer and spacious, more loving with myself and then in turn be more open hearted with others
I’m so painfully aware of how my self judgement, shame and anxiety more and more block my ability to be present and loving
so your teachings are so very helpful thank you
Self forgiveness is so powerful! Changing my mindset to do this has taken work. I now feel more at peace and calmer within myself and others.
Forgiving myself has never been easy. I look forward to finding some peace and understanding within myself after trying this program. Thank you for your kind words and your giving spirit. It is what is getting me through these tough times.
Just turning the lens to forgiving myself has allowed me to see how I have been projecting this onto my partner. Taking responsibility for the things I blame/judge others is my ongoing challenge
It’s seems these things are just a matter of “remembering” I look forward to a time when I stop forgetting this and having to experience the suffering of losing intimacy and loving relationships
Thank you Tara for your work in the world <3
I love Taras voice. Forgive myself brings deep peace in my inner live and to the people.
I feel that it’s heart softening to say to myself
It’s not my fault
Or something in this tone.
Cause I usually am just hard hard on myself and only the self inner critic voice wants to point a finger at me. Almost like the same as Sam – that’s how my father treating himself. So sad. I want to just have love and compassion for self and be in my heart center. Warm and melt the heart armor.
Personally struggling with deep hurt by my now ex-partner and doing work on not just knowing that I am enough, but also feeling it. I realize that my feelings of unworthiness have made it difficult for me to accept love from others. Self-acceptance and self-love are difficult and require daily practice and definitely make a difference. Thank you
by forgiving oneself it opens up you up to connect in a loving way to others
How can I forgive deeply, not only in my mind, but also in my body and soul ?
Really good insights from Tara. She’s wonderful.
I have difficulty imagining how to forgive and understand what that sounds like.
Love this and gives me food for thought to do more “work” on my inner child that is so desperately trying to make me a better ADULT.
This was so powerful it helped me relate to my personal life and for my client’s situations.