Constance Garcia-Barrio, Another Field, Philadelphia, PA, USAsays
I accompanied my son on his journey with schizophrenia and addiction for 22 years until he died at age 47. During my last time with him, I felt overwhelmed with anger because I saw how his health and appearance were deteriorating, how his life possibilities were closing down, and I just wanted to get away from him. It seemed that I no longer had the power to help him. It had become painful to love him because my love could no longer protect him or change his life.
Self-forgiveness begins with letting myself see that I was in the trenches with him for 22 years. That I gave my best to a tough situation.
In forgiving myself as I would forgive my friend, I’m free to be present in our relationship. I tend to distance myself after enjoyable periods of closeness. I feel badly and yet I sometimes continue this behavior. My good friends accept this from me. It’s an old pattern based on my childhood and the erratic separations from my parents and siblings. It still feels terribly constricting and sad. I’m willing to change.
Yes same here, finding these teachings very to the point and helpful, both for understanding my own struggle and that of friends / loved ones, so, thank you very much for sharing these!!
Ant, Exercise Physiology, Thousand Oaks , CA, USAsays
When I think of my relationship with my Mom, one where I’ve never felt “enough” and often feel “too much”, holding myself in love in comparison, opens my heart, tears flow… I feel the acceptance I’ve tried to feel from her but never genuinely do… If I can learn to give this to myself, somehow, I believe it will allow me to let down my guard and experience connections with others that I do desperately seek
I look forward to hearing the free meditation!! I am so grateful for this opportunity! TARA BRACH is doing a lot of very impressive and helpful works!!
Thank you Tara. I liked what you said about not being able to forgive ourselves for certain actions that seem unforgivable – but not forgiving ourselves does not lead to change. Your question is very powerful – Have your feelings of shame or guilt or personal badness ever helped you become a better person? Makes it easier to show myself self-compassion in some way.
Genuine forgiveness helps us learn to be truly compassionate with ourselves which then helps us be genuinely compassionate with others. We are free to love ourselves and live while grounded in truth and love vs. being driven by guilt and shame.
I personally have been able to experience a great deal more peace and compassion in my being when I stop to recognize my behavior and self talk and look deeper into the underlying cause….what am I really seeking? I have to stop and practice this many times as my self talk and beliefs are deep and have been with me a long time. Nonetheless, these teachings have made an impact toward peace and compassion for me which is really what I want. May I continue to learn and grow. May I experience health and well-being. May all people experience health and well-being. ❤️
Michael Johnson, Psychology, Jackson , MS, USAsays
Thank you. This was a very helpful exercise. When I apply forgiveness to myself I notice a softening and relaxing of the area where I feel the self-hatred.
Thanks Tara so much. BIG REMINDERS off the power of mindfulness. Could allow me to love more fully! Could be freeing. Could open more channels of communication!
Hello, thank you so much for your teaching and your wisdom. I have found it helpful in my own life and with my clients. When I did this exercise, I was able to provide myself with self compassion, however, due to the complexity of the situation, I still struggle. This is due to the fact that my son, who is the person I was using in this exercise, has many issues himself. Unfortunately,, his anger towards me is due to his misunderstanding and misscharacterization of the situation. So, even if I am able to give myself self compassion, my guilt keeps reigniting every time he sees me in that negative light. However, I will keep practicing! And hoping for breakthrough.
Sharon LaNoue, Social Work, Grand Haven, MI, USAsays
I am in a negative reactivity loop with the relationship I am thinking about. I am having a hard time, imagining, forgiving myself, but more importantly, forgiving him. I would very much appreciate a copy of the exercise in order to try again!
It wasn’t very easy to even get to that place. It was as if something was holding me back from moving to that place. IT felt awkward and unfamiliar. The thoughts of guilt seem to overtake and erase any bit of forgiveness. It will need lots of practice. But i am hopeful. Thank you Tara!
Even when I say “I want a better relationship with my critic” at 50 years of age, the imbalance of that relationship is felt. I’m ready for release and renewal.
I’ve found that any time I can access my feelings of hurt or shame or self-hatred and soften around them, my heart opens and some of the barriers I’ve unconsciously put up between myself and those around me soften in turn. If and when I’m able to be aware, feel my feelings and soften, it generally always results in more intimacy and sweeter relationships.
Wanda, Occupational Therapy, Washington DC, VA, USAsays
The quote vengeance is lazy grief is beautiful. I think this is a very helpful video. I’m curious about how to apply it to someone who has signs of an undiagnosed personality disorder. If even after the fact, they don’t consciously acknowledge wrongdoing, is there hope? Or is distancing yourself from them until they realize their behavior best?
I was an anxious, fearful, approval seeking, blaming, feeling like a victim, easily angered person. And, because that was my focus, I got more of that.
When I shifted my focus and took responsibility and accountability for how I am WITHIN, EVERYTHING SHIFTED. I am more compassionate, accepting, and forgiving to myself and others, which rebounds in positive ways. I am happy, peaceful, calm
and joyful.
In our relationship with my child, the guilt of leaving him to his grandmother for long periods of time in the past because I had to work is wearing me out and our relationship. I experience thoughts as if I abandoned him and did not care for him, a lack of not being able to spend enough time with him since we had limited time together in infancy and childhood, and a feeling of missing something. All of this prevents me from safely leaving my now 18-year-old son to fly the nest, the fact that I’m still clinging to him when he’s ready to leave makes him angry, he thinks I don’t see his changing needs and don’t understand him. Ultimately, not being able to provide the support I think he needs to become a self-confident adult makes me feel guilty again. In order to get out of this vicious circle, I constantly remind myself of the requirements of that period and the effort I made to spend time with him. I appreciate myself for being a mother who can see the needs of every period she goes through, and I try to stay in the present.
I am a nurse. I live with I should know better.
I am also an alcoholic who suffers everyday with the damage I have done to my family. I am working on myself and have made great strides but that thing of grief and suffering I still struggle with.
My husband passed away from cancer but more over he committed suicide a a day before our 25th anniversary.
I can’t not get passed the point of his choice of dying this way as I do feel I was responsible in some way of his choice. There was no note or anything left but the feeling that I was somewhat responsible.
There is no more vengeance but there is grief that I struggle with each day.
Its a wonderful practice, thanks , it was very helpfull
Wonderful teacher
I accompanied my son on his journey with schizophrenia and addiction for 22 years until he died at age 47. During my last time with him, I felt overwhelmed with anger because I saw how his health and appearance were deteriorating, how his life possibilities were closing down, and I just wanted to get away from him. It seemed that I no longer had the power to help him. It had become painful to love him because my love could no longer protect him or change his life.
Self-forgiveness begins with letting myself see that I was in the trenches with him for 22 years. That I gave my best to a tough situation.
I hope it will bring light space, awareness, loving kindness to myself and my family.
In forgiving myself as I would forgive my friend, I’m free to be present in our relationship. I tend to distance myself after enjoyable periods of closeness. I feel badly and yet I sometimes continue this behavior. My good friends accept this from me. It’s an old pattern based on my childhood and the erratic separations from my parents and siblings. It still feels terribly constricting and sad. I’m willing to change.
My relationship with my daughter, husband, and our toxic family dynamic.
Sometimes it is a challenge to be in relationship with others as for fear of their judgement and we don’t always know that other persons mindset.
This is such a healing practice. Much gratitude.
I am filled with deep sadness but also felt hope. Thank you Tara !
It’s not 2020 anymore but good peaceful message
These videos were very helpful. I’d already been practicing self-compassion but this took forgiving myself to a new level. Thanks.
Yes same here, finding these teachings very to the point and helpful, both for understanding my own struggle and that of friends / loved ones, so, thank you very much for sharing these!!
I have a terrible relationship with my oldest daughter and hold the blame for that. Just forgiving myself for a moment felt good! Thanks
thank you very helpful!
When I think of my relationship with my Mom, one where I’ve never felt “enough” and often feel “too much”, holding myself in love in comparison, opens my heart, tears flow… I feel the acceptance I’ve tried to feel from her but never genuinely do… If I can learn to give this to myself, somehow, I believe it will allow me to let down my guard and experience connections with others that I do desperately seek
Thanks Tara. So true!
I look forward to hearing the free meditation!! I am so grateful for this opportunity! TARA BRACH is doing a lot of very impressive and helpful works!!
It was very peaceful.
Thank you Tara. I liked what you said about not being able to forgive ourselves for certain actions that seem unforgivable – but not forgiving ourselves does not lead to change. Your question is very powerful – Have your feelings of shame or guilt or personal badness ever helped you become a better person? Makes it easier to show myself self-compassion in some way.
👍❤️🦋
Thank you for sharing your beautiful gift with others!
Taming the beast..critical guidance for task.. many thanks
Thanks for the video. I believe that if I really have compassion for myself it will h Dr me to be less critical and more compassionate to others
Genuine forgiveness helps us learn to be truly compassionate with ourselves which then helps us be genuinely compassionate with others. We are free to love ourselves and live while grounded in truth and love vs. being driven by guilt and shame.
I personally have been able to experience a great deal more peace and compassion in my being when I stop to recognize my behavior and self talk and look deeper into the underlying cause….what am I really seeking? I have to stop and practice this many times as my self talk and beliefs are deep and have been with me a long time. Nonetheless, these teachings have made an impact toward peace and compassion for me which is really what I want. May I continue to learn and grow. May I experience health and well-being. May all people experience health and well-being. ❤️
Well done and very insightful.
And right on target
James Carroll, struggling with a relationship
They will feeling freer and so be kinder to others.
Thank you. This was a very helpful exercise. When I apply forgiveness to myself I notice a softening and relaxing of the area where I feel the self-hatred.
5
Thanks Tara so much. BIG REMINDERS off the power of mindfulness. Could allow me to love more fully! Could be freeing. Could open more channels of communication!
4
Thank you. The video came to me in just the right moment
3
Hello, thank you so much for your teaching and your wisdom. I have found it helpful in my own life and with my clients. When I did this exercise, I was able to provide myself with self compassion, however, due to the complexity of the situation, I still struggle. This is due to the fact that my son, who is the person I was using in this exercise, has many issues himself. Unfortunately,, his anger towards me is due to his misunderstanding and misscharacterization of the situation. So, even if I am able to give myself self compassion, my guilt keeps reigniting every time he sees me in that negative light. However, I will keep practicing! And hoping for breakthrough.
so great, thanks
I will be taking that saying, “vengeance is a lazy form of grief”, with me.
I’m keen to try the guided meditation.
Thanks
Free to enjoy quiet times with the ones you love. No “activity needed” – just natural presence.
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I am in a negative reactivity loop with the relationship I am thinking about. I am having a hard time, imagining, forgiving myself, but more importantly, forgiving him. I would very much appreciate a copy of the exercise in order to try again!
It wasn’t very easy to even get to that place. It was as if something was holding me back from moving to that place. IT felt awkward and unfamiliar. The thoughts of guilt seem to overtake and erase any bit of forgiveness. It will need lots of practice. But i am hopeful. Thank you Tara!
Thank you, these videos are beautifully wise and appreciated.
Thank you for sharing, would love to learn more.
I won’t let myself experience self-hatred again. It hurts and I am filled with vengeance and anger.
Even when I say “I want a better relationship with my critic” at 50 years of age, the imbalance of that relationship is felt. I’m ready for release and renewal.
When someone is in the act of anger towards a loved one, it’s so hard. During the act, what
Can they do?
thank you!
I’ve found that any time I can access my feelings of hurt or shame or self-hatred and soften around them, my heart opens and some of the barriers I’ve unconsciously put up between myself and those around me soften in turn. If and when I’m able to be aware, feel my feelings and soften, it generally always results in more intimacy and sweeter relationships.
Thank you Tara for these reminders.
The quote vengeance is lazy grief is beautiful. I think this is a very helpful video. I’m curious about how to apply it to someone who has signs of an undiagnosed personality disorder. If even after the fact, they don’t consciously acknowledge wrongdoing, is there hope? Or is distancing yourself from them until they realize their behavior best?
I was an anxious, fearful, approval seeking, blaming, feeling like a victim, easily angered person. And, because that was my focus, I got more of that.
When I shifted my focus and took responsibility and accountability for how I am WITHIN, EVERYTHING SHIFTED. I am more compassionate, accepting, and forgiving to myself and others, which rebounds in positive ways. I am happy, peaceful, calm
and joyful.
In our relationship with my child, the guilt of leaving him to his grandmother for long periods of time in the past because I had to work is wearing me out and our relationship. I experience thoughts as if I abandoned him and did not care for him, a lack of not being able to spend enough time with him since we had limited time together in infancy and childhood, and a feeling of missing something. All of this prevents me from safely leaving my now 18-year-old son to fly the nest, the fact that I’m still clinging to him when he’s ready to leave makes him angry, he thinks I don’t see his changing needs and don’t understand him. Ultimately, not being able to provide the support I think he needs to become a self-confident adult makes me feel guilty again. In order to get out of this vicious circle, I constantly remind myself of the requirements of that period and the effort I made to spend time with him. I appreciate myself for being a mother who can see the needs of every period she goes through, and I try to stay in the present.
I am a nurse. I live with I should know better.
I am also an alcoholic who suffers everyday with the damage I have done to my family. I am working on myself and have made great strides but that thing of grief and suffering I still struggle with.
My husband passed away from cancer but more over he committed suicide a a day before our 25th anniversary.
I can’t not get passed the point of his choice of dying this way as I do feel I was responsible in some way of his choice. There was no note or anything left but the feeling that I was somewhat responsible.
There is no more vengeance but there is grief that I struggle with each day.