When I can forgive myself, I can forgive others who may have done the exact same thing to me or to others…Give myself the space to go deeper and know that every feeling comes from somewhere…Happy feelings come from happy memories or experiences or dreams one looks forward to…Sad feelings come from sad memories and the loss of hope and dreams. Everything comes from something…that might be a good mantra to hold for ourselves and others…It doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere…It is hidden in our yesterdays, and we then discover it, so that our tomorrows can be new…
The relationship that came to mind was with my firstborn. A son. I was a new mother at 20. Young and conditioned and naive. I have so much mom guilt because the person I’ve grown into, I would’ve have raised and nurtured him so much differently. I feel like I caused a lot of damage and it pains me so much. But, I also think I’ve hyperbolized it in my head. Now he is a father of 2 beautiful children and it’s amazing and wonderful to see him in these roles, but I feel a sticky lingering guilt that I could’ve have done better by him. Beating myself up definitely doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel more desperate to prove something to him. Like “hey! Ive changed!” Yet, I also can’t undo anything to undo what’s in the past.
So, forgiving myself… my young naive self, perhaps can be a way out of the guilt and striving to “show or prove” I’m a good mom and Gigi now. Or at the least, more aligned with my authentic values of love and authenticity.
My feeling of guilt and sadness in this case came from not going to and being with my father when he died.He died at his home with a caretaker. I could have gone and been with him. We loved each other. I have always felt guilt over this grievous act of omission in my life.
Doing Tara’s exercise I came to realize I couldn’t go be with my father when he needed me so badly because I loved him so much. The child in me could not bear to see my father die, could not bear to watch him go. I couldn’t let him go. It hurt too much. In this case I feel like I deprived him, deprived us, of the comfort I could have brought.
It is really difficult not to think: it is not my fault. For some seconds maybe…
But I know from experience what a relief it is in these rare moments of resting in the feeling of « it is not anybodys fault, not mine, not yours..»
Thank you. This has been incredibly helpful for my healing and my relationships. I’ve been trying to use my observation of thoughts, exploration of feelings, and kindness toward myself to be grow in love with myself and others. I will use this also to help my clients find healing in themselves.
It feels very difficult for me to keep practising when dealing with partener that had a past trouma that effected his brain, and avoid taking therapy. the shame and blame are very presents.
Thankyou Tara! It is strange that at times we treat the people closest to us the worst of all our relations. Thank you for all your guided meditations and podcasts… they are treasured!
I happened to chose a complex example: it took me back through the layers to my very early relationship with my mother and in holding myself with the utmost tenderness, I was surprised to find I felt deep compassion and forgiveness for my mother too. With another more current relationship, I am still left feeling some ambivalence. I feel as if I need more time… Thank you for the invitation!
I feel that step one observing my thoughts, mindfully feeling and being kind with my self is the solution to my misery. I am not so occupied with the self guilt for my previous behaviour.
yes, people often think being angry or critical of themselves will keep them on track but when they look deeply they often realise their anger only causes more alert or resentment
Seeing myself as a person who can make mistakes and be forgiven allows me to be more fully present in the here and now without a dialogue of self judgment and criticism.
Makes a massive difference in my own relationships and a very helpful exercise for clients. Thank you for helping me understand the process of letting go and bringing that intention to clients
I feel shame when I am unable to act compassionately with my aging mother, especially when she acts out out of fear and anxiety. I would like to be able to stay calm, cool, and collected and not meet her with the same energy in return. The more calm I am, the more she is able to relax and regroup and feel held.
My sister and I are currently not speaking. We have had many disagreements where one of us or the other reacts out of anger. This has been a pattern that has resulted in separation for months and even years in the past, with the belief that I am to blame. When I heard “under the anger are lifelong feelings of not being respected or cared about”, I felt relief that it is not my fault and to give myself a gesture of kindness to that hurting place.
My son has cut off all communication between his family ,including my grandchildren and my husband and me. When they came to N.Z two years ago for six months he only allowed us a couple of hours in his company and there were lots of other people there. No private time with our grandchildren or him. He says I have too many expectations and I am too up and down in my emotions. This sunk me into deep depression and I am now having to learn not to blame myself and to let our relationship go. I am trying to accept that I can only change my own emotions. I practice mindfulness and listen to your teachings and those of Buddhist monk Thay. I am trying to love myself and know that I am a good person. Any help you can suggest would be greatly appreciated. Thank you .Sue Goldie.
The person I verbally hurt won’t have a relationship with me anymore. But I will move to forgiving myself… beginning to realize it was a relationship for that “season”. Not forever.
In a strained relationship with my son I blame myself for overstepping my boundaries as his mother and allowing him to make his own decisions as a grown man. I did the exercise to forgive myself but I need to do that often to let that really sink in to where I believe it.
When I can forgive myself, I can forgive others who may have done the exact same thing to me or to others…Give myself the space to go deeper and know that every feeling comes from somewhere…Happy feelings come from happy memories or experiences or dreams one looks forward to…Sad feelings come from sad memories and the loss of hope and dreams. Everything comes from something…that might be a good mantra to hold for ourselves and others…It doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere…It is hidden in our yesterdays, and we then discover it, so that our tomorrows can be new…
Great video! Powerful. I can see how this would greatly benefit so many of my clients. Could I get a copy of the exercise?
The relationship that came to mind was with my firstborn. A son. I was a new mother at 20. Young and conditioned and naive. I have so much mom guilt because the person I’ve grown into, I would’ve have raised and nurtured him so much differently. I feel like I caused a lot of damage and it pains me so much. But, I also think I’ve hyperbolized it in my head. Now he is a father of 2 beautiful children and it’s amazing and wonderful to see him in these roles, but I feel a sticky lingering guilt that I could’ve have done better by him. Beating myself up definitely doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel more desperate to prove something to him. Like “hey! Ive changed!” Yet, I also can’t undo anything to undo what’s in the past.
So, forgiving myself… my young naive self, perhaps can be a way out of the guilt and striving to “show or prove” I’m a good mom and Gigi now. Or at the least, more aligned with my authentic values of love and authenticity.
I‘m thinking, that talking about our inner beliefs might help. I will try to encourage my partner who was raised with a lot of envy in his family.
Thank you
Thank you🙏❤️
Looking at oneself through the eyes of a friend, helpful advice. Thank you Tara.
Thanks Tara! your teachings always inspire me! 🙂
So insightful and so helpful! I’ll definitely be using that final exercise with a client today. Thank you!
Very impactful.
very loving video
So helpful!
My feeling of guilt and sadness in this case came from not going to and being with my father when he died.He died at his home with a caretaker. I could have gone and been with him. We loved each other. I have always felt guilt over this grievous act of omission in my life.
Doing Tara’s exercise I came to realize I couldn’t go be with my father when he needed me so badly because I loved him so much. The child in me could not bear to see my father die, could not bear to watch him go. I couldn’t let him go. It hurt too much. In this case I feel like I deprived him, deprived us, of the comfort I could have brought.
Warm, lighter, happier
This was very helpful and I would be very interested in receiving the free guided meditation with Tara Brach.
It is really difficult not to think: it is not my fault. For some seconds maybe…
But I know from experience what a relief it is in these rare moments of resting in the feeling of « it is not anybodys fault, not mine, not yours..»
genuinely forgiving myself would allow a softness to enter in myself relating to myself and to others
I struggle with self forgiveness and intimacy and would love to practice Tara’s guided meditation/
Thank you. This has been incredibly helpful for my healing and my relationships. I’ve been trying to use my observation of thoughts, exploration of feelings, and kindness toward myself to be grow in love with myself and others. I will use this also to help my clients find healing in themselves.
Would like to hear more.
It feels very difficult for me to keep practising when dealing with partener that had a past trouma that effected his brain, and avoid taking therapy. the shame and blame are very presents.
Thankyou Tara! It is strange that at times we treat the people closest to us the worst of all our relations. Thank you for all your guided meditations and podcasts… they are treasured!
I happened to chose a complex example: it took me back through the layers to my very early relationship with my mother and in holding myself with the utmost tenderness, I was surprised to find I felt deep compassion and forgiveness for my mother too. With another more current relationship, I am still left feeling some ambivalence. I feel as if I need more time… Thank you for the invitation!
I feel that step one observing my thoughts, mindfully feeling and being kind with my self is the solution to my misery. I am not so occupied with the self guilt for my previous behaviour.
yes, people often think being angry or critical of themselves will keep them on track but when they look deeply they often realise their anger only causes more alert or resentment
feeling clearer in my head
Thank you!so helpful
Thank you – wonderful insights 🙂
Seeing myself as a person who can make mistakes and be forgiven allows me to be more fully present in the here and now without a dialogue of self judgment and criticism.
More compassionate self talk.
Thank you, will try with myself first and then clients!
Makes a massive difference in my own relationships and a very helpful exercise for clients. Thank you for helping me understand the process of letting go and bringing that intention to clients
🙏🏽
to be in the present moment is the most impoortent thing
I would feel less stuck in my relationship, more able to try small and sustainable changes and to have hope and agency.
No more double think required. Just want to be here now.
Helps to start anew, without history tainting the future interactions.
Brilliant, Tara
and just what I needed to hear right now.
Thank You!!!
So well explained. Beautiful reminders. Inspired to sit with what’s underneath my self pressure. Thanks so much.
I feel shame when I am unable to act compassionately with my aging mother, especially when she acts out out of fear and anxiety. I would like to be able to stay calm, cool, and collected and not meet her with the same energy in return. The more calm I am, the more she is able to relax and regroup and feel held.
Thank you for your guidance Tara, this is so valuable
I think forgiving yourself makes you love yourself more and can feel more confident about yourself and how you relate to others.
My sister and I are currently not speaking. We have had many disagreements where one of us or the other reacts out of anger. This has been a pattern that has resulted in separation for months and even years in the past, with the belief that I am to blame. When I heard “under the anger are lifelong feelings of not being respected or cared about”, I felt relief that it is not my fault and to give myself a gesture of kindness to that hurting place.
My son has cut off all communication between his family ,including my grandchildren and my husband and me. When they came to N.Z two years ago for six months he only allowed us a couple of hours in his company and there were lots of other people there. No private time with our grandchildren or him. He says I have too many expectations and I am too up and down in my emotions. This sunk me into deep depression and I am now having to learn not to blame myself and to let our relationship go. I am trying to accept that I can only change my own emotions. I practice mindfulness and listen to your teachings and those of Buddhist monk Thay. I am trying to love myself and know that I am a good person. Any help you can suggest would be greatly appreciated. Thank you .Sue Goldie.
I would not overcompensate which might appear as needy.
The person I verbally hurt won’t have a relationship with me anymore. But I will move to forgiving myself… beginning to realize it was a relationship for that “season”. Not forever.
I would be more forgiving with the other person
Thank you for your guidance. It fits right in with some inner work I am doing to help with my own forgiveness 🙏🏼
In a strained relationship with my son I blame myself for overstepping my boundaries as his mother and allowing him to make his own decisions as a grown man. I did the exercise to forgive myself but I need to do that often to let that really sink in to where I believe it.
Thank you 😊
Always love Tara. Beautifully complements Kristen Neff which I have completed