This was really impottant and clear. Important focus once clients actively avoid
Bringing upp this issue or have a lot of trouble working around building self acceptance and even sometimes seeing the value o it at all
Barbara Caspy, Psychotherapy, Las Vegas, NV, USAsays
Thank you for your clear and concise video Tara! I definitely find that my clients that are struggling in relationships usually are either feeling negative about themselves or their partners are feeling negative about themselves. Often it’s both people. In exploring their negative feelings it’s almost always because of their traumatic childhoods in which one or both parents were critical of them, or neglected them. Sometimes it’s because they were bullied by their peers growing up. It helps when I explain to them that what we experience in our childhood tends to form our beliefs about how people outside family relationships will think of us or treat us. We work on the reality of their beliefs that often aren’t true.
Depending on their character type, this can lead to a lot of self blame, loss of self esteem and withdrawal from the relationships that make us whole or it can also lead to projecting that criticism on to others which has a similar effect ie. pushing relationships into the sand. Either way we lose the positive feedback loop/ the reality check that keeps us all sane.
When I hide what I think people don’t like about me, as well as those I actually know don’t like things about me, that leads me to withdraw and feel angry and hurt and full of shame, and some of them feel puzzled and upset because of my withdrawal. The relationship is put under strain. I learned the other day that someone in a group I used to belong to really valued my presence in it, where I had felt judged and had left the group. What a waste…
I hide my feelings of unworthiness and not enough-ness by projecting my angst onto my partner. I am aware of an unconscious belief that I don’t deserve to receive love.
It prevents intimate and meaningful relationships. Deep relationships require a level of personal vulnerability with one another. This is were authentic trust can begin and built upon, and where emotional safety within the relationship can be found.
Negative self judgement, feelings of inadequacy are common issues for clients. It follows that those feelings would make someone hide who they really are. Who would want to advertise their vulnerabilities to anyone else? Thus, many people choose to forego closeness with another to keep their shameful secrets to themselves.
It closes off any opportunity to develop and enrich the relationship so it becomes stale and distance develops which can eventually lead to a breakdown in the relationship. It’s difficult to step out of this pattern because it’s almost gone on too long before you realise and then try to change. Others can be resistant to you changing and also becoming vulnerable in change is hard and frightening and you have to be able to trust the other – it’s scary.
I’d never thought of it this way but I now believe it’s one of the causes of both our conflicts that feeling of not been seen and ignored plays a huge part in why I have become more Critical of my husband who is also Profoundly deaf and seems to not notice me which causes me To React.
Pam Leonte, Another Field, Los Angeles, CA, USAsays
I guess for me ..it is dealing with my grief of loosing my husband 4 years ago at the beginning of the pandemic. Lately when I thought finally things were shifting positively .. it has turned into a trigger of fear , loneliness and anxiety. I do not have a plan anymore . I feel adrift, can’t imagine anyone would want date me or be my friend..loosing a partner ..makes your circle of friends change..no longer a couple …I feel adrift ..
I was married for 30 years, we have 3 grown adult children. I felt profoundly alone in our marriage. Basically my job was the kids , house and home. His job was his work in IT. I think we lasted that long because we basically made a silent pact that I won’t rock your boat if you don’t rock mine. I felt like emotional death. When our youngest graduated from High School we divorced.
It robs the relationship of depth. Hiding aspects of oneself creates a vicious circle of loathing and feeling the need to hide even more of oneself. The other in the relationship can sense, possibly only on a subconscious level, that true connection is blocked.
News of Tara’s offering arrived providentially two days after a weekly sangha I attend where people heart-share serious problems. One member was in a pit of self-hatred and despair because of being hurtful in some of his relationships. Have forwarded the NICABM email to the convener of the sangha who is a professional counsellor who will know whether Tara’s invitation might help.
Thank you so much for the offering. Am finding helpful myself.
Thank you so much for your valuable insight!
This was really impottant and clear. Important focus once clients actively avoid
Bringing upp this issue or have a lot of trouble working around building self acceptance and even sometimes seeing the value o it at all
Thank you for your clear and concise video Tara! I definitely find that my clients that are struggling in relationships usually are either feeling negative about themselves or their partners are feeling negative about themselves. Often it’s both people. In exploring their negative feelings it’s almost always because of their traumatic childhoods in which one or both parents were critical of them, or neglected them. Sometimes it’s because they were bullied by their peers growing up. It helps when I explain to them that what we experience in our childhood tends to form our beliefs about how people outside family relationships will think of us or treat us. We work on the reality of their beliefs that often aren’t true.
It keeps me separated and doesn’t allow me to have the deep connection I need to thrive.
Depending on their character type, this can lead to a lot of self blame, loss of self esteem and withdrawal from the relationships that make us whole or it can also lead to projecting that criticism on to others which has a similar effect ie. pushing relationships into the sand. Either way we lose the positive feedback loop/ the reality check that keeps us all sane.
covering up what i dont like about myself makes me on the verge of projecting bitterness oitwards to others
When I hide what I think people don’t like about me, as well as those I actually know don’t like things about me, that leads me to withdraw and feel angry and hurt and full of shame, and some of them feel puzzled and upset because of my withdrawal. The relationship is put under strain. I learned the other day that someone in a group I used to belong to really valued my presence in it, where I had felt judged and had left the group. What a waste…
I hide my feelings of unworthiness and not enough-ness by projecting my angst onto my partner. I am aware of an unconscious belief that I don’t deserve to receive love.
It prevents intimate and meaningful relationships. Deep relationships require a level of personal vulnerability with one another. This is were authentic trust can begin and built upon, and where emotional safety within the relationship can be found.
the way Tara suggested formulating a question to the client.
This is good. A very clear and easy introduction to conflict in relationships.
Negative self judgement, feelings of inadequacy are common issues for clients. It follows that those feelings would make someone hide who they really are. Who would want to advertise their vulnerabilities to anyone else? Thus, many people choose to forego closeness with another to keep their shameful secrets to themselves.
It closes off any opportunity to develop and enrich the relationship so it becomes stale and distance develops which can eventually lead to a breakdown in the relationship. It’s difficult to step out of this pattern because it’s almost gone on too long before you realise and then try to change. Others can be resistant to you changing and also becoming vulnerable in change is hard and frightening and you have to be able to trust the other – it’s scary.
I’d never thought of it this way but I now believe it’s one of the causes of both our conflicts that feeling of not been seen and ignored plays a huge part in why I have become more Critical of my husband who is also Profoundly deaf and seems to not notice me which causes me To React.
I guess for me ..it is dealing with my grief of loosing my husband 4 years ago at the beginning of the pandemic. Lately when I thought finally things were shifting positively .. it has turned into a trigger of fear , loneliness and anxiety. I do not have a plan anymore . I feel adrift, can’t imagine anyone would want date me or be my friend..loosing a partner ..makes your circle of friends change..no longer a couple …I feel adrift ..
Hiding doesn’t allow for the deep intimacy that both want. Shame from childhood. Shedding it daily.
I was married for 30 years, we have 3 grown adult children. I felt profoundly alone in our marriage. Basically my job was the kids , house and home. His job was his work in IT. I think we lasted that long because we basically made a silent pact that I won’t rock your boat if you don’t rock mine. I felt like emotional death. When our youngest graduated from High School we divorced.
Insightful, clearly presented with applicable information.
It robs the relationship of depth. Hiding aspects of oneself creates a vicious circle of loathing and feeling the need to hide even more of oneself. The other in the relationship can sense, possibly only on a subconscious level, that true connection is blocked.
News of Tara’s offering arrived providentially two days after a weekly sangha I attend where people heart-share serious problems. One member was in a pit of self-hatred and despair because of being hurtful in some of his relationships. Have forwarded the NICABM email to the convener of the sangha who is a professional counsellor who will know whether Tara’s invitation might help.
Thank you so much for the offering. Am finding helpful myself.
Relationships are superficial
Thank you.