Can’t wait to hear more! This video already was eye opening regarding self-judgement and relationship. Love the question, “What is it that you don’t want others to see?” Thank you!
Curious to hear more – would love to hear some thoughts about how to approach body-related shame/self-criicism and self-worth that is overly attached to appearance. We live in bodies that are constantly being judged and there are so many strong social, cultural messages about what bodies are/aren’t acceptable that are hard not to internalize. What if what you don’t want others to see is the very body you can’t avoid? I have had more and more negative body image themes come up with clients recently and I find it hard to work around the fact that a lot of bodies will be judged harshly in this world
This makes sense. Self judgement is the core of impatience, anger, resentment… all projections of the intolerable discomfort of self judgement onto others. But I’m not aware that I’m trying to hide these judgments. I speak often with my partner about my self judgements, yet I am still being unkind at times from them. Maybe There are particular judgements or fears of exposure I have not acknowledged and thus these unknowns are the problem.
It is very similar to what we use in IFS, we try to access the hurt part by building a new relationship with the protector part. The protector part is the one that damages the relationships.
Thank you for this offering. It has prompted many thoughts to surface. Amongst them, the notion of fear of mortality. In these very uncertain times I realise this has been an undercurrent running through my daily endeavours.
What I most don’t want others to see and what I most judge about myself are mostly similar. Insecurities about my looks, insecurities about my personality (not intelligent enough, socially awkward, prone to anxiety about even minor things), my unhealthy coping mechanisms (binge eating). My perceived failures as a parent.
When I hide what I need and value it leads me to giving up showing my true self in relationships. I end up feeling rejected since what is loved is what not who I am.
Thanks for this information on relationships. It is great to realize and accept that I hide what I am really like from others because I don’t want them to criticize or reject me. I just don’t know what to do about this!
mjc.rinzen@icloud.com Rinzen, Clergy, Berkeley, CA, USAsays
How I would use your wisdom?- my wish is to be better at letting go of past trauma. I have a wealth of wisdom-teachings and empowerments – which helps me to be a bodhisattva-in-training, and yet,underneath, there is still guilt for past mistakes (even though I understand how it all came about.). Anytime my adult wonderful and loving kids has problems, I feel it is my fault!
How I would use your wisdom?- my wish is to be better at letting go of past trauma. I have a wealth of wisdom-teachings and empowerments – which helps me to be a bodhisattva-in-training, and yet,underneath, there is still guilt for past mistakes (even though I understand how it all came about.). Anytime my adult wonderful and loving kids has problems, I feel it is my fault!
I’m not in any relationships. I have a few friends some friendships. My issues are that I’m not enough ! Educated enough, smart enough, talented enough. Just not enough! I am retired since Covid not active and not motivated to become more productive.
So important not to bypass the blocks. need to look at what’s arising .
when we deal with the feeling of unworthiness we can change that story..it may have been buried and looking at it head-on we.begin to know that that story is not true.. we can change our story about what we see..to see the real truth of who we are..and tell them real truth of who we really are resilient radiant and joyful..
I want to hide my sadness at my lack of success in the world (not making a lot of money and being a household name; not living up to the goas I set for myself when I graduated from college) makes me deeply ashamed of myself. So in my mind I’m putting down their success & how they live their lives, comparing them to my real and often inflated actual accomplishments unfavorably, even whe they’re doing so much more than I am; and I am certainly afraid for them to get to know the real me.
Dear Tara, thank you so much for your generous sharing. I was very lucky to experience a partnership in which we both learned not to hide or cover up anything. Now that my partner has died, it is difficult for me to share my grief and overwhelm with others. This often makes me feel lonely.
This is so amazing that I discovered your video today..I am struggling with feeling not good enough and not wanting to share these feelings. awareness of this is so vital for recovery.
Thank you
Ch from upstate NY
Ann Cavanagh, Nursing, San Pedro, CA 90731, CA, USAsays
It can help if you ask people first what they like about themselves so when they to say what they don’t like about themselves you have information to challenge some of their negative beliefs about themselves.
It takes SO much awareness and a big toolkit to even know for one’s self what THE personal obstacle or roadblock might be… How is this self knowledge cultivated?
Hiding what you don’t like about yourself can result in a relationship built on lies and insecurity. If you can’t accept who you are, you can’t have an open and honest relationship with others. They will get to know a false version of you instead of the real you.
Jo Evans, Marriage/Family Therapy, McKinney, TX, USAsays
Deeply thankful for your wisdom and discernment and unwavering encouragement!! We as ‘cradlers of secrets’ as Dr. Yalom called us need community with our fellow sojourners!
When I keep those parts of myself hidden I feel protected against potential judgement from others but I also recognise that I am not being authentic with them as I have closed parts of myself off…Then I wonder how much do I trust those that I care about to love and support me if I’m holding back like this?
Fiona Beauchamp, Other, Philadelphia , PA, USAsays
I’m a giver. I love giving because it brings me joy to see someone’s eyes light up because of an unexpected gift. Someone in need, I help. On my birthday, I give gifts to my close friends. Thing is, I’m near broke. No 401(k) to fall back on, no major savings. I often feel like a failure (impostor syndrome) because all my close friends are doing much better financially than me. I compare myself and I am totally lacking financially. I drive a 10-year-old car, I have credit card debt up to wazoo. But yet, I still love giving and helping others. What is wrong with me?
I feel like I am supposed to be thin and shapely (as I was in my youth), so when I gain weight I hide from the world that may judge me. I also feel like I’m supposed to be outgoing, but I’m insecure and introverted. I’m vulnerable to narcissists because I’m empathetic, and then they gaslight me and make me feel worse about myself.
learning to stay with uncomfortable feelings, to keep company with sadness or fear and to accept the whole mess is the biggest and most valuable lesson I keep returning to. thank you Tara and Suzanne
I feel that if I’m open and vulnerable that I will be hurt so I close up, to feel safe. Lack of trust keeps my partner from knowing my inner self. This creates a feeling of being alone and isolated, for both of us.
Opening up and telling people around me what’s going on in my mind… it works wonders and invites other people to open up too.
It makes a huge difference in my life.
Thank you for your ongoing generosity offering free meditations and courses which I pass on to clients. These offerings help them so much and gives my clients extra practice and benefits outside of therapy sessions.
Chris
I agree with what you said. I had a skincare clinic for 25 years. I shared some of my personal problems with my clients and it helped them describe and share what they needed help with.
Interesting…
Can’t wait to hear more! This video already was eye opening regarding self-judgement and relationship. Love the question, “What is it that you don’t want others to see?” Thank you!
Curious to hear more – would love to hear some thoughts about how to approach body-related shame/self-criicism and self-worth that is overly attached to appearance. We live in bodies that are constantly being judged and there are so many strong social, cultural messages about what bodies are/aren’t acceptable that are hard not to internalize. What if what you don’t want others to see is the very body you can’t avoid? I have had more and more negative body image themes come up with clients recently and I find it hard to work around the fact that a lot of bodies will be judged harshly in this world
Maybe by hiding my vulnerabilities I am not giving permission to the other to share theirs.
This makes sense. Self judgement is the core of impatience, anger, resentment… all projections of the intolerable discomfort of self judgement onto others. But I’m not aware that I’m trying to hide these judgments. I speak often with my partner about my self judgements, yet I am still being unkind at times from them. Maybe There are particular judgements or fears of exposure I have not acknowledged and thus these unknowns are the problem.
It is very similar to what we use in IFS, we try to access the hurt part by building a new relationship with the protector part. The protector part is the one that damages the relationships.
I’ve always seen myself as fat, so I try to look thinner; self consciousness about my appearance distracts me from connection.
Thank you for this offering. It has prompted many thoughts to surface. Amongst them, the notion of fear of mortality. In these very uncertain times I realise this has been an undercurrent running through my daily endeavours.
excellent pointers
Holly
What I most don’t want others to see and what I most judge about myself are mostly similar. Insecurities about my looks, insecurities about my personality (not intelligent enough, socially awkward, prone to anxiety about even minor things), my unhealthy coping mechanisms (binge eating). My perceived failures as a parent.
When I hide what I need and value it leads me to giving up showing my true self in relationships. I end up feeling rejected since what is loved is what not who I am.
being in a place of “on guard”, not relaxed flowing
Thanks for this information on relationships. It is great to realize and accept that I hide what I am really like from others because I don’t want them to criticize or reject me. I just don’t know what to do about this!
How I would use your wisdom?- my wish is to be better at letting go of past trauma. I have a wealth of wisdom-teachings and empowerments – which helps me to be a bodhisattva-in-training, and yet,underneath, there is still guilt for past mistakes (even though I understand how it all came about.). Anytime my adult wonderful and loving kids has problems, I feel it is my fault!
How I would use your wisdom?- my wish is to be better at letting go of past trauma. I have a wealth of wisdom-teachings and empowerments – which helps me to be a bodhisattva-in-training, and yet,underneath, there is still guilt for past mistakes (even though I understand how it all came about.). Anytime my adult wonderful and loving kids has problems, I feel it is my fault!
I’m not in any relationships. I have a few friends some friendships. My issues are that I’m not enough ! Educated enough, smart enough, talented enough. Just not enough! I am retired since Covid not active and not motivated to become more productive.
A barrier and load to carry
So important not to bypass the blocks. need to look at what’s arising .
when we deal with the feeling of unworthiness we can change that story..it may have been buried and looking at it head-on we.begin to know that that story is not true.. we can change our story about what we see..to see the real truth of who we are..and tell them real truth of who we really are resilient radiant and joyful..
I want to hide my sadness at my lack of success in the world (not making a lot of money and being a household name; not living up to the goas I set for myself when I graduated from college) makes me deeply ashamed of myself. So in my mind I’m putting down their success & how they live their lives, comparing them to my real and often inflated actual accomplishments unfavorably, even whe they’re doing so much more than I am; and I am certainly afraid for them to get to know the real me.
It separates me from myself
Dear Tara, thank you so much for your generous sharing. I was very lucky to experience a partnership in which we both learned not to hide or cover up anything. Now that my partner has died, it is difficult for me to share my grief and overwhelm with others. This often makes me feel lonely.
I don’t live like that, but if I did, I would be under the guidance of my Inner Critic, and imbalance in that relationship would be inevitable.
I know they don’t like the real
Me because I am hiding pieces of myself that contribute to who I am
they will live in unease and create unease around them, conflict and doubt is created, walls of silence are built, distance increases
sometimes they don’t know they are hiding, they blame
when they are honest enough and brave enough to look, when they embrace their imperfection, then the work has started and can continue
This is so amazing that I discovered your video today..I am struggling with feeling not good enough and not wanting to share these feelings. awareness of this is so vital for recovery.
Thank you
Ch from upstate NY
I feel that I am not being true to myself which makes me feel that I can’t be true to others. Sad to say but real.
I don’t think I do.
I don’t have any personal relationships
Lack of confidence from both sides and retreat.
It can help if you ask people first what they like about themselves so when they to say what they don’t like about themselves you have information to challenge some of their negative beliefs about themselves.
I agree your presentation. It is difficult to be stress free in our political environment and to manage distress.
It takes SO much awareness and a big toolkit to even know for one’s self what THE personal obstacle or roadblock might be… How is this self knowledge cultivated?
I don’t want people to see my sadness. I almost feel paranoid like they can pick up on it and it makes me feel uncomfortable to interact a lot.
Thank you Tara for reminding us that our own insecurity causes most of our issues in our relationships with others.Much appreciated.
I’ve observed these sentiments of self disgust be externalized as rage, in turn blocking bids for connection.
Hiding what you don’t like about yourself can result in a relationship built on lies and insecurity. If you can’t accept who you are, you can’t have an open and honest relationship with others. They will get to know a false version of you instead of the real you.
Deeply thankful for your wisdom and discernment and unwavering encouragement!! We as ‘cradlers of secrets’ as Dr. Yalom called us need community with our fellow sojourners!
Elephant in the room, a problem we don’t discuss, and the distance grows.
When I keep those parts of myself hidden I feel protected against potential judgement from others but I also recognise that I am not being authentic with them as I have closed parts of myself off…Then I wonder how much do I trust those that I care about to love and support me if I’m holding back like this?
Is that a typo above?
When you hide what “they” don’t like about yourself…
Shouldn’t it say when you hide what YOU don’t like about yourself…?
I’m a giver. I love giving because it brings me joy to see someone’s eyes light up because of an unexpected gift. Someone in need, I help. On my birthday, I give gifts to my close friends. Thing is, I’m near broke. No 401(k) to fall back on, no major savings. I often feel like a failure (impostor syndrome) because all my close friends are doing much better financially than me. I compare myself and I am totally lacking financially. I drive a 10-year-old car, I have credit card debt up to wazoo. But yet, I still love giving and helping others. What is wrong with me?
Thank you for sharing! very useful!
I will remember and reflect on Q 1.
I feel like I am supposed to be thin and shapely (as I was in my youth), so when I gain weight I hide from the world that may judge me. I also feel like I’m supposed to be outgoing, but I’m insecure and introverted. I’m vulnerable to narcissists because I’m empathetic, and then they gaslight me and make me feel worse about myself.
I think this information will help my eating disorder patients.
learning to stay with uncomfortable feelings, to keep company with sadness or fear and to accept the whole mess is the biggest and most valuable lesson I keep returning to. thank you Tara and Suzanne
I feel that if I’m open and vulnerable that I will be hurt so I close up, to feel safe. Lack of trust keeps my partner from knowing my inner self. This creates a feeling of being alone and isolated, for both of us.
Opening up and telling people around me what’s going on in my mind… it works wonders and invites other people to open up too.
It makes a huge difference in my life.
Thank you Tara
Very helpful as I can relate to a lot of it on a personal level
Ilse
Thank you for your ongoing generosity offering free meditations and courses which I pass on to clients. These offerings help them so much and gives my clients extra practice and benefits outside of therapy sessions.
Chris
They become distant and withdraw from the relationship, stop sharing of their real selves.
Thank you to Tara – her books are my nightly bible and this video adds to that acceptance and understanding
I agree with what you said. I had a skincare clinic for 25 years. I shared some of my personal problems with my clients and it helped them describe and share what they needed help with.