Thank you Tara, I really appreciate you!
I guess I have always felt not good enough since a child but always worked hard to be good or the best I could be even over achieving to be liked & accepted. I know or believe this feeling of being not good enough & inadequate came from my childhood abuse as a very young child, childhood trauma that I ne er have dealt with!
I’ve been trying to open up more, expose my vulnerability to others by being honest with them. Slowly I’m finding how rich and rewarding my relationships are becoming – and I’ve noticed that they’re also more ‘them’ focused than ‘me’ focused. I am listening more and discovering a greater empathy for others. These talks are a reminder to keep these practices alive.
My family treated me like Cinderella. I was the baby of my family and never felt loved by my mother. I eat my feelings. My lack of discipline with diet and weight embarrass me and I hide it. My lack of confidence is a turn off to the men I date and they pick someone else over me. I have become increasingly angry and lash out on my coworkers and friends. I don’t trust anyone.
I hide my fear of not being loved and accepted under judgement masquerading as ‘insightful’ comment…this has caused distance and disconnection with a good friend. I want to address this so that all the ‘judged’ no longer take up so much of my precious time, attention and I can turn towards my self with compassion.
Thanks you.
I tend not to hide anything… I am so open with everyone. Maybe on reflection though I am finding it challenging when I am physically exhausted. My role means balancing & spinning lots of plates & it’s often exhausting. The rescuer in me is so open hearted that my body definitely keeps the score. I do try to hide this physical exhaustion as I see it as a weakness & often don’t ask for or lean into support. I know there’s strength in asking for support but it frustrates me that there’s a need for it. so I guess I hide my feelings of inadequacy physically. Relying on others makes me feel emotionally vulnerable. I tend to use the phrase ” I can do it myself”, especially if it’s a man trying to help, which is reflective of my past trauma
I think when I hide or essentially don’t accept a part of myself, it makes me less able to accept or tolerate that in others and as a result I often get angry or resentful when I see that expressed.
I feel so inadequate because I find it difficult to talk to others in any meaningful way. I’m 70 and I often feel dismissed due to my age by a younger person. Not always, but enough that I don’t want to even go out and interact.
it’s a way of playing a role, being the ideal [wife/daughter/friend] instead of asking myself, ‘what am I genuinely feeling’ and responding as my true self
I don’t normally hide what I don’t like about myself. My partner knows what is going on inside. It is frustrating to be in a constant battle with time. I feel incompetent in managing my time, as no matter what I do to make up time to spend with my partner and stepdaughter, it never seems to be enough. This is an ongoing issue, I don’t feel understood even when I am radically transparent and honest about what I am feeling.
When I’m feeling unseen or need attention because I’m feeling unworthy, I tend to get critical and I know that hurts my relationships. I know being vulnerable and asking for what I need or finding a way to meet my needs on my own are better strategies that I’m working on. It was never modeled in my family of origin, so it’s a struggle.
I feel so broken, and such a failure that how can anyone Love me? I have struggled with this fear of failure my entire life. Now that my 17, almost 18 old, son is not performing and living up to expectations I feel I have failed at the most important job of raising a successful human being.
Very helpful video… especially the crucial questions to ask if someone admits to feelings of unworthiness.
However, I’m wondering if you can suggest how you can get someone to identify/admit that they have these feelings?
When someone hurts me and makes me feel insecure, unworthy, no space, it hits a deep need to feel connected to love for me. I feel like I have to defend myself, but at the same time it is also wrong to do so and afraid of the other person’s reaction. I can see that it is the other person who lacks overview, presence, spaciousness that all people can sometimes, but I find it difficult to stand up for myself. communicate or otherwise just find peace within myself. I withdraw from believing that I can have a deep connection with other people where I can be myself and be appreciated for it. Losing hope, courage, self-confidence and self-esteem. I do not want to keep hurting myself by letting others hurt me. But I am always alone. My family has a pattern towards me that if there is something they have done to me that hurt me, I must forget and move on. But without the whole wound being significant to heal, but not understanding the importance of it for me and they are offended that I withdraw instead. I also get blamed, but I feel the problem was , in differrent ways it was more about them wanting to cover up – forgetting their cover – blaming me even more and finally that I haven’t said anything even though I’ve tried a lot. Feel abandoned and unimportant. Wrong. Beat myself up. Or just lose confidence. Like nothing hasn’t helped and I feel powerless.
miss that kind of deep connection where I matter and am important. Loved without fear of someone getting jealous or wanting what I should have or ego in the way. Not just fleeting, but that it’s important how I feel. It feels like I almost become indifferent to others when I myself am treated indifferently. Like the wound never will heal. I think I deep down am scared of people will not leave me, hit me, punish me, demand more than I can, have power over me … it feels like I will never make it to love.
Am I allowed to share these videos with my residential treatment center clients? they are in treatment for sexual addictions and I share educational materials to improve relationships.
Rosella Susan Byers, Another Field, Willits, CA, USAsays
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, it puts a barrier up between myself and others; I cannot be fully authentic and present. This in turn makes me feel isolated, envious, and prone to seeing rejection or insult where it doesn’t even exist because my focus is on myself. I end up complaining about my problems or feelings from a shallow perspective, which wears out even the people who love me. It reinforces a self fulfilling prophecy of being unworthy of happiness – when in reality, if feel self-acceptance and happines, I have a positive effect on everyone around me, even if I don’t speak. Releasing the false beliefs is crucial!
Love Tara !
As I investigate my shadows and Beingness; I would like to believe I may taste self forgiveness and transformation this life.
I will commit my days to self inquiry and live my best life possible with the help and grace of teachers and teachings until I cannot .
Oneness is key
Rachel Olson, Clergy, Richland Center, WI, USAsays
Fear that we are flawed and unlovable is often projected on to others who might want to be in relationship with us. This allows us to focus in on their “imperfections” that make them unlovable. This gives us a way to escape the truth and avoid the roots of our fear.
It prevents them from having an authentic relationship with those that they care about. Unconditional love is based upon unconditional sharing. When a person hides portions of who they are, you prevent the relationship from growing into its full maturity not only for oneself but for ones partner. This can lead to mistrust and resentment.
Hiding imperfection feels like isolating. Disconnecting from connection to others and even to myself. The more I give in to this control, the more I lose the ability to truly connect and be authentic.
It basically hinders from showing up fully , holding back parts that they feel are not lovable and thus disrupting the foundation of connection with their partner
Thank you. I’m not a mental health professional but definitely recognize this dynamic in myself and others. It’s clear that self-judgement leads to mistrust and judgement of othere. Thanks for offering this.
When we don’t embrace the shadow aspects of yourselves and sit in shame instead, it makes heart to heart connection difficult because we hide parts of ourselves from others.
The become unable to connect fully with another person as they are keeping a part of themselves hidden. The feeling of lack is all encompassing, it seeps into all areas of their lives and relationships and as you said in the first teaching they become critical of not only themselves but others.
I see too many flaws within myself and judge myself harshly. Unfortunately, my self-judgment escalates to judgement of others. Down this road very little is nourishing.
I am inauthentic, closing down others’ interest and my own truth..therefore limiting my self discovery and development, and theirs in a way. I divert and avoid, creating distance.
They feel isolated, not understood or seen, feelings of shame. Reinforces beliefs that they won’t/can’t be accepted for accepted for who they truly are.
Disconnect in relationships.
I feel ashamed at my lack of energy and good health and often feel people will only want to be with me when I’m entertaining- interesting or funny. So I shut myself off and become more disconnected from others and try instead to control by being busy or avoid (everything!) with distractions.
i try & pratice what Tara termed making the u turn. Shifting from the expectations from another to self compassion. I find this challenging as my usual response is defending & lashing out at the other person who i feel offended me.
then they cannot trust or relateto others. the connection between the partners is held superficial grounds. They can not share their emotions and feelings. they tend to hide facts, fear something bad will happen if they communicate openly. the self- acceptance is lacking so the entire relationship will be on superficial platform.. lacking trust and openess.
It prevents me from connecting with others and I keep an emotional and relational distance from them leaving me feeling isolated, lonely, disconnected, and like I don’t matter because I don’t have people who show up for me, due to a lack of intimacy and closeness in my relationships.
jacqueline acosta, Teacher, Long Beach, CA, USAsays
It affects relationships because there’s energy that’s taken from the intimate relationship to use in hiding. You’re split, fragmented. You’re guarding secrets & it eats inside you making you feel like you want to distance or disappear from that version of yourself. I encourage them to embrace in private that shadow part. Sit with it and ask questions…that’s a good start.
Shubert Waugh, Another Field, Santa Cruz, CA, USAsays
I’ve craved intimacy all my life. All I’ve got is brutal gaslighting, irrational reactions even to my presence. I’ve worked on this for well over 30 years. I’ve become more comfortable with myself, and live like a hermit
I really enjoy Tara’s videos and the clear content. I find a safe environment where it’s ok to be myself with my personal thoughts and feelings. Throughout my life I have felt insecure in certain situations. I find this to be my biggest challenge to overcome.
The relationship misses the trust needed to truly know and understand each other. Each person in a relationship should feel valued and comfortable being themselves.
Thanks for this first video. Found it very interesting and could relate to it from my own experience. Never good enough because I took on shame at nearly age, that really wasn’t mine
It sets them up for superficiality and mistrust. Hiding indicates shame, and by hiding we indicate that we are not lovable to ourselves, much less another. Our utmost hope in engaging with another human being is love in some form, romantic, friendly, or even the simple love that indicates accepting one another’s humanity.
Thank you Tara, I really appreciate you!
I guess I have always felt not good enough since a child but always worked hard to be good or the best I could be even over achieving to be liked & accepted. I know or believe this feeling of being not good enough & inadequate came from my childhood abuse as a very young child, childhood trauma that I ne er have dealt with!
I’ve been trying to open up more, expose my vulnerability to others by being honest with them. Slowly I’m finding how rich and rewarding my relationships are becoming – and I’ve noticed that they’re also more ‘them’ focused than ‘me’ focused. I am listening more and discovering a greater empathy for others. These talks are a reminder to keep these practices alive.
thank you!
My family treated me like Cinderella. I was the baby of my family and never felt loved by my mother. I eat my feelings. My lack of discipline with diet and weight embarrass me and I hide it. My lack of confidence is a turn off to the men I date and they pick someone else over me. I have become increasingly angry and lash out on my coworkers and friends. I don’t trust anyone.
I hide my fear of not being loved and accepted under judgement masquerading as ‘insightful’ comment…this has caused distance and disconnection with a good friend. I want to address this so that all the ‘judged’ no longer take up so much of my precious time, attention and I can turn towards my self with compassion.
Thanks you.
I fear people will realize how judgmental I am about nearly everybody. I am not a practitioner. I am a seeker.
I tend not to hide anything… I am so open with everyone. Maybe on reflection though I am finding it challenging when I am physically exhausted. My role means balancing & spinning lots of plates & it’s often exhausting. The rescuer in me is so open hearted that my body definitely keeps the score. I do try to hide this physical exhaustion as I see it as a weakness & often don’t ask for or lean into support. I know there’s strength in asking for support but it frustrates me that there’s a need for it. so I guess I hide my feelings of inadequacy physically. Relying on others makes me feel emotionally vulnerable. I tend to use the phrase ” I can do it myself”, especially if it’s a man trying to help, which is reflective of my past trauma
I think when I hide or essentially don’t accept a part of myself, it makes me less able to accept or tolerate that in others and as a result I often get angry or resentful when I see that expressed.
I feel so inadequate because I find it difficult to talk to others in any meaningful way. I’m 70 and I often feel dismissed due to my age by a younger person. Not always, but enough that I don’t want to even go out and interact.
it’s a way of playing a role, being the ideal [wife/daughter/friend] instead of asking myself, ‘what am I genuinely feeling’ and responding as my true self
I don’t normally hide what I don’t like about myself. My partner knows what is going on inside. It is frustrating to be in a constant battle with time. I feel incompetent in managing my time, as no matter what I do to make up time to spend with my partner and stepdaughter, it never seems to be enough. This is an ongoing issue, I don’t feel understood even when I am radically transparent and honest about what I am feeling.
When I argue with my wife it tends to be about minuscule issues and it turns into a total battle about who’s “right or wrong”
Essentially, I get depressed thinking no one will listen to me but I bottle it up and lash out at her instead.
Trying to break the cycle but it’s difficult
When I’m feeling unseen or need attention because I’m feeling unworthy, I tend to get critical and I know that hurts my relationships. I know being vulnerable and asking for what I need or finding a way to meet my needs on my own are better strategies that I’m working on. It was never modeled in my family of origin, so it’s a struggle.
I was born into a critical, judgmental and abusive family dynamic. everyone was in survival mode
I feel so broken, and such a failure that how can anyone Love me? I have struggled with this fear of failure my entire life. Now that my 17, almost 18 old, son is not performing and living up to expectations I feel I have failed at the most important job of raising a successful human being.
My temperamental nature from past trauma—reactivity—i worry this will make people judge me & turn against me (b/c it has happened a lot in my life)
Very helpful video… especially the crucial questions to ask if someone admits to feelings of unworthiness.
However, I’m wondering if you can suggest how you can get someone to identify/admit that they have these feelings?
It is very tiring. it feels like I am putting up a front, that I am not being real.
Thank you. Looking forward to hear more about how to make this shift toward self acceptance, and no judgment.
Big silence and distance. Talks become artificial and less deep. Less curiosity and care
It affects their connection and their ability to be authentic, open and vulnerable.
When someone hurts me and makes me feel insecure, unworthy, no space, it hits a deep need to feel connected to love for me. I feel like I have to defend myself, but at the same time it is also wrong to do so and afraid of the other person’s reaction. I can see that it is the other person who lacks overview, presence, spaciousness that all people can sometimes, but I find it difficult to stand up for myself. communicate or otherwise just find peace within myself. I withdraw from believing that I can have a deep connection with other people where I can be myself and be appreciated for it. Losing hope, courage, self-confidence and self-esteem. I do not want to keep hurting myself by letting others hurt me. But I am always alone. My family has a pattern towards me that if there is something they have done to me that hurt me, I must forget and move on. But without the whole wound being significant to heal, but not understanding the importance of it for me and they are offended that I withdraw instead. I also get blamed, but I feel the problem was , in differrent ways it was more about them wanting to cover up – forgetting their cover – blaming me even more and finally that I haven’t said anything even though I’ve tried a lot. Feel abandoned and unimportant. Wrong. Beat myself up. Or just lose confidence. Like nothing hasn’t helped and I feel powerless.
miss that kind of deep connection where I matter and am important. Loved without fear of someone getting jealous or wanting what I should have or ego in the way. Not just fleeting, but that it’s important how I feel. It feels like I almost become indifferent to others when I myself am treated indifferently. Like the wound never will heal. I think I deep down am scared of people will not leave me, hit me, punish me, demand more than I can, have power over me … it feels like I will never make it to love.
My contempt for other human beings as a species is always just under the surface.
The thoughts expressed by Tara Brach in this video are a good reminder of Workbook Lessons 1-40 from A Course in Miracles.
Am I allowed to share these videos with my residential treatment center clients? they are in treatment for sexual addictions and I share educational materials to improve relationships.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself, it puts a barrier up between myself and others; I cannot be fully authentic and present. This in turn makes me feel isolated, envious, and prone to seeing rejection or insult where it doesn’t even exist because my focus is on myself. I end up complaining about my problems or feelings from a shallow perspective, which wears out even the people who love me. It reinforces a self fulfilling prophecy of being unworthy of happiness – when in reality, if feel self-acceptance and happines, I have a positive effect on everyone around me, even if I don’t speak. Releasing the false beliefs is crucial!
Love Tara !
As I investigate my shadows and Beingness; I would like to believe I may taste self forgiveness and transformation this life.
I will commit my days to self inquiry and live my best life possible with the help and grace of teachers and teachings until I cannot .
Oneness is key
Fear that we are flawed and unlovable is often projected on to others who might want to be in relationship with us. This allows us to focus in on their “imperfections” that make them unlovable. This gives us a way to escape the truth and avoid the roots of our fear.
It prevents them from having an authentic relationship with those that they care about. Unconditional love is based upon unconditional sharing. When a person hides portions of who they are, you prevent the relationship from growing into its full maturity not only for oneself but for ones partner. This can lead to mistrust and resentment.
Hiding imperfection feels like isolating. Disconnecting from connection to others and even to myself. The more I give in to this control, the more I lose the ability to truly connect and be authentic.
It basically hinders from showing up fully , holding back parts that they feel are not lovable and thus disrupting the foundation of connection with their partner
Thank you. I’m not a mental health professional but definitely recognize this dynamic in myself and others. It’s clear that self-judgement leads to mistrust and judgement of othere. Thanks for offering this.
The relationship becomes somehow unauthentic because they behave unauthentic….
When we don’t embrace the shadow aspects of yourselves and sit in shame instead, it makes heart to heart connection difficult because we hide parts of ourselves from others.
The become unable to connect fully with another person as they are keeping a part of themselves hidden. The feeling of lack is all encompassing, it seeps into all areas of their lives and relationships and as you said in the first teaching they become critical of not only themselves but others.
I see too many flaws within myself and judge myself harshly. Unfortunately, my self-judgment escalates to judgement of others. Down this road very little is nourishing.
Dear Tara,
It’s a cycle that keeps repeating itself.
Insecurity,
Am I funny, smart, pretty and sweet enough.
Jealousy,
A sense of distrust and a lack of self-confidence.
Guilt,
I have been jealous and unkind to you.
I was not 100 percent present for you, because my mind was full.
Which in turn leads to insecurity, jealousy, regret etc… Etc.
Fear of loving and being loved.
Dear Tara,
I am grateful for your beautiful lessons.
I feel your love resonating through the screen of my mobile phone with my heart. What a miracle.
Thank you so much,
I am inauthentic, closing down others’ interest and my own truth..therefore limiting my self discovery and development, and theirs in a way. I divert and avoid, creating distance.
Sorry, I am interested in this for a personal problem. I am hoping to learn from you.
Please give me time to think about the guide questions. These are very helpful. I will go again to the video because it struck me.
They feel isolated, not understood or seen, feelings of shame. Reinforces beliefs that they won’t/can’t be accepted for accepted for who they truly are.
Disconnect in relationships.
I feel ashamed at my lack of energy and good health and often feel people will only want to be with me when I’m entertaining- interesting or funny. So I shut myself off and become more disconnected from others and try instead to control by being busy or avoid (everything!) with distractions.
i try & pratice what Tara termed making the u turn. Shifting from the expectations from another to self compassion. I find this challenging as my usual response is defending & lashing out at the other person who i feel offended me.
then they cannot trust or relateto others. the connection between the partners is held superficial grounds. They can not share their emotions and feelings. they tend to hide facts, fear something bad will happen if they communicate openly. the self- acceptance is lacking so the entire relationship will be on superficial platform.. lacking trust and openess.
It prevents me from connecting with others and I keep an emotional and relational distance from them leaving me feeling isolated, lonely, disconnected, and like I don’t matter because I don’t have people who show up for me, due to a lack of intimacy and closeness in my relationships.
It affects relationships because there’s energy that’s taken from the intimate relationship to use in hiding. You’re split, fragmented. You’re guarding secrets & it eats inside you making you feel like you want to distance or disappear from that version of yourself. I encourage them to embrace in private that shadow part. Sit with it and ask questions…that’s a good start.
I’ve craved intimacy all my life. All I’ve got is brutal gaslighting, irrational reactions even to my presence. I’ve worked on this for well over 30 years. I’ve become more comfortable with myself, and live like a hermit
I really enjoy Tara’s videos and the clear content. I find a safe environment where it’s ok to be myself with my personal thoughts and feelings. Throughout my life I have felt insecure in certain situations. I find this to be my biggest challenge to overcome.
The relationship misses the trust needed to truly know and understand each other. Each person in a relationship should feel valued and comfortable being themselves.
Thanks for this first video. Found it very interesting and could relate to it from my own experience. Never good enough because I took on shame at nearly age, that really wasn’t mine
It sets them up for superficiality and mistrust. Hiding indicates shame, and by hiding we indicate that we are not lovable to ourselves, much less another. Our utmost hope in engaging with another human being is love in some form, romantic, friendly, or even the simple love that indicates accepting one another’s humanity.