I struggle with fear. I was a fearful child and many of the decisions I’ve made over my lifetime were made from a place of fear and anxiety. I hate this about myself and hate that I lack courage and any confidence in my ability to weather life’s tough challenges. I hate that deep down I just want someone take care of and protect me. I am afraid of suffering and the future of our society and our world leaves me terrified. I loath myself for feeling weak and afraid.
i am very self censoring and it’s exhausting. Often I will come away from a conversation analysing what I have said. This makes me hesitant to engage with people.
Thank you Tara for all of your talks. They have helped me tremendously.
Peggy Sheldon-Scurlock, Counseling, Flagstaff, AZ, USAsays
Naturally all relationships, with self as well, are impacted when one hides vulnerabilities and unknowns. You bring up a great reminder of establishing trust as one dives into these sensitive areas that call one to be open. Thanks
Sounds so recognisable: this fear or avoidance of vulnerability .
I don’t want to see other people that I need them, that I get attached to them. As I’m afraid if they see that I need them it will scare them off… I try to be as independent as possible although still connect on a social / friendship level. As that’s not too scary. But ones it starts being intimate and going deep it’s a different story.
Anything that we are hiding from ourselves will not lead to love and fulfillment that we all wish to live in. I am currently listening to a set of very interesting lectures from Doctor Andreas Tilch and Gabi Schoerck from the German “FRIENDS for a better world” format on Streptokokkinum.
Looking at us in a circle, there is a small part of the ‘GOOD ME’ and a small part of the ‘BAD ME’ but the biggest part is the ‘NOT ME’ that we try to hide from ourselves. Only by allowing these frozen pieces of ourselves to melt slowly and surely and bring them into our consciousness we will be able to transform those pieces of us and become whole beings living life to its full potential.
Taj Guzzardo, Another Field, Rockford, IL, USAsays
Love Tara Brach as my teacher. She is clear and warm in her explanations. I am a lay person who never really connected love of self to intimacy. I will be thinking about this topic for awhile. Thank you NiCABM for making the teaching free as I am on a fixed income.
I am acknowledging their feelings and adjusting to maintain a relationship I value and want to continue. Perhaps their dislikes are areas that could use some attention to change.
Inevitably what is hidden is revealed. If other parts of relationships are strong this unmasking may not be detrimental to relationship
I am not currently working, due to grief, but I am bringing these practices into my own experience, so i can share them better with others in the future when I’m back at work.
Thank you Tara
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I’m pretending and not being authentic. This leads to separation from the other person and even from myself and there’s a breakdown in intimacy and love which is what I really want.
I am really not sure what I am covering up about myself, I will have to ponder this. I know I don’t like being vulnerable but what is at the core of this is still unknown to me.
As far back as I can remember, my true self was a happy, intelligent, creative, well-behaved child. I was physically a beautiful child. I loved clothes and accessories and planning my outfits. My older sister never liked me. No matter what I did, her feelings never changed towards me. It took me over 50 years to realize this was her problem, not mine. My parents had a tumultuous relationship, but I always felt unconditional love from them. In sixth grade, my family moved to a rural area. The kids at school didn’t like me because I was different. My parents began to fight constantly. I have always felt if I were less attractive, less successful, and less intelligent than people like my sister would like me. I felt conflicted between pleasing people and living up to my true potential. This has made me angry at myself and left me feeling guilty, frustrated, and unfulfilled. I know these negative feelings I hold manifest into insecurities, a critical and judgmental attitude (just like my sister), and misreading other people’s intentions. I feel as if this negative behavioral treadmill I’m on makes me treat others meanly and judgmentally, and I hate myself for treating others unjustly and hurting them.
Hiding what I feel are flaws is not being honest with myself or my partner. And it probably feeds a certain amount of mistrust of myself & of others. If I’m hiding something, you probably are too. And if I can’t like/love myself how can I believe anyone else can.
My ego can really affect how I relate to others… I sometimes think I am not smart enough, or wealthy enough, or slim enough… it can make me a tad aggressive. Not good!
Hiding things takes energy, waiting for others to see what is wrong with you causes resentment. Resentment causes lack of connection and feeds that same resentment…thinking you see….No one understands me anyway
When I try to hide the parts of myself I don’t like from others, it usually makes me shut down and isolate myself. Sometimes I get frustrated with others when they don’t instinctively know what’s going on in my head and I lose my temper with them or overreact to small things. I end up lashing and increasing the distance between us.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I find that I speak around the truth and can’t be real with another person. This leaves me feeling disconnected and isolated. Thank you
Thank you Tara. You’re help with self acceptance is profound.
The question on what we hide is -right on.
I hide my shame and guilt. It comes out by being moody, withdrawn and depressed. I take it out on my partner, which makes me feel worse.
I get stuck, and rigid , like having a tantrum and I can’t soften enough to love in those moments. THANK YOU Tara for your introspective many layered loving work and mostly for being there…online.
ila in Los Angeles
I found this video so enlightening, even though at this point I don’t understand exactly why hiding what I don’t like about myself impacts my relationships. I do however understand the concept that when I’m feeling good about myself, I am able to relate positively to others.
I can be hypercritical of others, as well as on the aggressive side. I can also be intolerant and impatient.
AhaI’m pushing people away because I don’t feel I deserve to be liked or loved! When I’m down on myself, I am irritable and not nice to be around. I want to retreat to my shell.
I think I most don’t want people to know that I do not feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t belong anywhere geographically, nor in any group. I “get along” with most people, but do not feel a part of anything.
I always feel I have to people please as they will be filled with disgust for me if they see the real me or I don’t serve them in some way. I haven’t had an intimate relationship for some years as cannot move past my own self disgust. I would love to change this but it is a lifelong pattern.
When I hide what they don’t like about myself I don’t feel real, in fact I feel wrong and I feel like I can’t create a deep relationship with others. I feel alone and unloved for who I am
I play small and don’t show up as myself because I assume that people won’t like me, be impressed with me, or be drawn to me. I self inflict the very thing I fear. That people will find me boring and worthless. That causes me to have shallow relationships or not get to know people at all.
I am always comparing myself to others. Do not feel that I am good enough as I am and feel that I am undeserving of the good things of life. Was brought up poor with no home but living in Bedsits and feeling cold all the time so have inferiority complex.
People don’t get to know me.
I struggle with fear. I was a fearful child and many of the decisions I’ve made over my lifetime were made from a place of fear and anxiety. I hate this about myself and hate that I lack courage and any confidence in my ability to weather life’s tough challenges. I hate that deep down I just want someone take care of and protect me. I am afraid of suffering and the future of our society and our world leaves me terrified. I loath myself for feeling weak and afraid.
Being afraid to not live up to someones expectations, makes tense and cuts me of from just being with myself and the other as it is in the moment.
i am very self censoring and it’s exhausting. Often I will come away from a conversation analysing what I have said. This makes me hesitant to engage with people.
Thank you Tara for all of your talks. They have helped me tremendously.
I feel disconnected
lovely and true
I over consume
With shopping etc
I hide it from my husband
As we’re always trying to save money
I have been depressed the last year. I don’t want to share this with others. I feel inadequate that I’m unable to break this mood.
Naturally all relationships, with self as well, are impacted when one hides vulnerabilities and unknowns. You bring up a great reminder of establishing trust as one dives into these sensitive areas that call one to be open. Thanks
Thanks for reminding me that my own feelings of inadequacy skew my perception of others.
What if the client isn’t very self aware, how can I help them navigate more openness about their relationships.
How can I help clients navigate more openness about their relationships.
Sounds so recognisable: this fear or avoidance of vulnerability .
I don’t want to see other people that I need them, that I get attached to them. As I’m afraid if they see that I need them it will scare them off… I try to be as independent as possible although still connect on a social / friendship level. As that’s not too scary. But ones it starts being intimate and going deep it’s a different story.
This is so ME. Full of Inferiority Complexes —–
I am not a practitioner as well.
Thank you so much for your lectures, Tara.
Anything that we are hiding from ourselves will not lead to love and fulfillment that we all wish to live in. I am currently listening to a set of very interesting lectures from Doctor Andreas Tilch and Gabi Schoerck from the German “FRIENDS for a better world” format on Streptokokkinum.
Looking at us in a circle, there is a small part of the ‘GOOD ME’ and a small part of the ‘BAD ME’ but the biggest part is the ‘NOT ME’ that we try to hide from ourselves. Only by allowing these frozen pieces of ourselves to melt slowly and surely and bring them into our consciousness we will be able to transform those pieces of us and become whole beings living life to its full potential.
With love, Beate
Love Tara Brach as my teacher. She is clear and warm in her explanations. I am a lay person who never really connected love of self to intimacy. I will be thinking about this topic for awhile. Thank you NiCABM for making the teaching free as I am on a fixed income.
Spot on!!!
Hi, you can’t give what you don’t have. Acceptance is a great word for us to understand. Globally. Internally first so that we can share with others.
I am acknowledging their feelings and adjusting to maintain a relationship I value and want to continue. Perhaps their dislikes are areas that could use some attention to change.
Inevitably what is hidden is revealed. If other parts of relationships are strong this unmasking may not be detrimental to relationship
It adds some stress.
This helps me understand my brother more, and to feel compassion for what his internal life is probably like.
I feel separate from the others
I don’t want others to know I’m depressed. I have been hiding it since I was a little girl.
I am not currently working, due to grief, but I am bringing these practices into my own experience, so i can share them better with others in the future when I’m back at work.
Thank you Tara
True enough!
Great insights, thank you
It creates separation. To maintain the hiding I become defensive & critical.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I’m pretending and not being authentic. This leads to separation from the other person and even from myself and there’s a breakdown in intimacy and love which is what I really want.
I so relate to this comment!
I am really not sure what I am covering up about myself, I will have to ponder this. I know I don’t like being vulnerable but what is at the core of this is still unknown to me.
I feel that my issues with being vulnerable are the result of a childhood of suppressed feelings and a deep seated disappointment in myself.
Thank you so wise
Self awareness the beginning of all healing and joy
As far back as I can remember, my true self was a happy, intelligent, creative, well-behaved child. I was physically a beautiful child. I loved clothes and accessories and planning my outfits. My older sister never liked me. No matter what I did, her feelings never changed towards me. It took me over 50 years to realize this was her problem, not mine. My parents had a tumultuous relationship, but I always felt unconditional love from them. In sixth grade, my family moved to a rural area. The kids at school didn’t like me because I was different. My parents began to fight constantly. I have always felt if I were less attractive, less successful, and less intelligent than people like my sister would like me. I felt conflicted between pleasing people and living up to my true potential. This has made me angry at myself and left me feeling guilty, frustrated, and unfulfilled. I know these negative feelings I hold manifest into insecurities, a critical and judgmental attitude (just like my sister), and misreading other people’s intentions. I feel as if this negative behavioral treadmill I’m on makes me treat others meanly and judgmentally, and I hate myself for treating others unjustly and hurting them.
Hiding what I feel are flaws is not being honest with myself or my partner. And it probably feeds a certain amount of mistrust of myself & of others. If I’m hiding something, you probably are too. And if I can’t like/love myself how can I believe anyone else can.
When I hide my difficulties with myself, I don’t feel genuine when relating to others. Therefore, making it hard to truly connect.
I like to talk to other people, but am nervous trying to make a real connection.
My ego can really affect how I relate to others… I sometimes think I am not smart enough, or wealthy enough, or slim enough… it can make me a tad aggressive. Not good!
It cuts you off from connection with the other person
Hiding things takes energy, waiting for others to see what is wrong with you causes resentment. Resentment causes lack of connection and feeds that same resentment…thinking you see….No one understands me anyway
It creates a block in open and loving connection and creates separation leaving them feeling anxious, closed and unable to be present. Always running.
When I try to hide the parts of myself I don’t like from others, it usually makes me shut down and isolate myself. Sometimes I get frustrated with others when they don’t instinctively know what’s going on in my head and I lose my temper with them or overreact to small things. I end up lashing and increasing the distance between us.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I find that I speak around the truth and can’t be real with another person. This leaves me feeling disconnected and isolated. Thank you
Thank you Tara. You’re help with self acceptance is profound.
The question on what we hide is -right on.
I hide my shame and guilt. It comes out by being moody, withdrawn and depressed. I take it out on my partner, which makes me feel worse.
I get stuck, and rigid , like having a tantrum and I can’t soften enough to love in those moments. THANK YOU Tara for your introspective many layered loving work and mostly for being there…online.
ila in Los Angeles
I’m not a practitioner.
I found this video so enlightening, even though at this point I don’t understand exactly why hiding what I don’t like about myself impacts my relationships. I do however understand the concept that when I’m feeling good about myself, I am able to relate positively to others.
I can be hypercritical of others, as well as on the aggressive side. I can also be intolerant and impatient.
Aha
I’m pushing people away because I don’t feel I deserve to be liked or loved! When I’m down on myself, I am irritable and not nice to be around. I want to retreat to my shell.
Hang on a minute, I knew all this already!
I think I most don’t want people to know that I do not feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t belong anywhere geographically, nor in any group. I “get along” with most people, but do not feel a part of anything.
I always feel I have to people please as they will be filled with disgust for me if they see the real me or I don’t serve them in some way. I haven’t had an intimate relationship for some years as cannot move past my own self disgust. I would love to change this but it is a lifelong pattern.
When I hide what they don’t like about myself I don’t feel real, in fact I feel wrong and I feel like I can’t create a deep relationship with others. I feel alone and unloved for who I am
I play small and don’t show up as myself because I assume that people won’t like me, be impressed with me, or be drawn to me. I self inflict the very thing I fear. That people will find me boring and worthless. That causes me to have shallow relationships or not get to know people at all.
I had a Dream where some people read aloud everything they had against me, w hat a nightmare
I act defensively when I ‘feel’ criticized. Which tends to be quite often. I think it stems from a fear of ‘Not being good enough’.
It isolates us pushes people away.
I am always comparing myself to others. Do not feel that I am good enough as I am and feel that I am undeserving of the good things of life. Was brought up poor with no home but living in Bedsits and feeling cold all the time so have inferiority complex.