I’m surprised at the difficulty it was to accept the love and compassion for myself. I know I can give it more freely than accepting it. I believe it comes from the old ‘tapes’ that I believed. I intellectually know I am deserving, but there’s a deeper, more emotional part, that still challenges this. This will take some more work. Thank you.
Thank you, Tara. Bless you. It’s amazing how something one knows intellectually (self-acceptance is a good thing, is at the core of loving oneself and others) is made clear and real with a simple practice, an intentional act of self-holding. And how one needs to practice this, not just think it! It’s profound. Something teachers should be teaching kids in elementary school!
I’m more ready for my day. Thank you.
Teresa Verketk, The Netherlands.
I would have never thought allowing to love myself and as you say having the open tenderness to myself after having been aware of observing the thoughts and accepting the waves of emotions.
However, giving love and kindness to one self is another thing. That is difficult. Thank you Tara Brach for your wise lessons, as always.
I felt increased awareness of others. Instead of avoiding criticism I am able to embrace it by looking behind the judgement and seeing that deep suffering. It all began with noticing my deep suffering and adding kindness. That created space to nurture myself and listen with more acceptance of others. Practice makes perfect. Great strategies to practice.
Jacqueline Heid, Another Field, Hopkinsville , KY, USAsays
I felt a warmth & the thought, “I didn’t mean to cause harm or be cruel. I love myself & I forgive myself.” But, I believe that I need to develop this habit because I can easily go back to blaming & disliking myself.
Thank you. I needed this reminder. Other wise teachers have included lovingkindness, for self and then others, as part of their practice. It seems to be the common thread in achieving balance.
It strikes me every time I teach mindfulness, how difficult it is for people to combine themselves. The people who come to me all have experience with psychiatry and often a lot of medication.
I have seen people grow and loosen up in their beliefs and the way they deal with themselves and others over the years.
I myself also have a history of trauma and mental problems,
this strengthens others to give themselves space to get to know other ways of thinking and above all to be kind to themselves.
I find self compassion and kindness such a difficult process to use as there seems to be so much resistance, as if I just don’t truly believe I deserve it/believe it. Ian
Thank you Dr Brach for your lovely and clear introduction.
I am aware how much I need to protect time to practice mindfulness and work on myself compassionately.
I completed the 8 weeks course in UK but the practice has gone wayside.
My struggle that I have hurt someone dear to me, has passed away and I find it difficult to forgive myself. The guilt, shame and resentment does keep me out of relationships and am aware of my ‘shutting down’. Not always and, do feel scope for transformation of my suffering.
I will continue to work on my inner judge and self-forgiveness
I practice this often and observe that sometimes there is an immediate softening, and at others, it takes staying longer until the contraction relaxes and the larger space opens up. Sometimes the painful feeling has many layers and until the kindness meets and holds them all, the pain takes up more room than the compassion. There’s no question that this becomes more and more accessible with practice and repetition! This is one of the most transformative practices I’ve met on the path and am deeply grateful to you, Tara, for making it so clear and accessible.
I have suffered so much from the trauma of my past, and self-criticism is with me every day…the feelings of not being enough. I thank you for your guidance, your wisdom and your caring. Thank you, thank you, thank you…Suzi x
When I place my hand in my heart I cry. The sadness I feel is more intense. However, I have days when I am more aware of the sadness I can say thank you sadness, but you can go away now. And I have days were, again, once aware, I notice, there was no sadness today. Thank you
Nancy Ferguson, Marriage/Family Therapy, Chapel Hill, NC, USAsays
I really appreciated this presentation. The concepts are very important for so many of my clients, and myself too. Thank you for sharing your work with all of us!
What I noticed was that my breathing slowed down and that felt good. Going a bit slower, not rushing, taking time to talk with myself — all of that seemed worthwhile and good. Then I started talking with myself more, and I reverted to exhortations to get to work on some tasks I’m doing. There’s a deadline on one of these tasks and I have to finish on time. So I found myself back in an anxiety mode of worrying. But I am glad to have seen that I don’t always have to live like that.
Suffering severe PTSD from 18 years of Domestic Violence, has left my son & I lacking trust & sense of safety from almost everyone around us. Seems the we have unwittingly attracted another predator in our lives (condo neighbour). It is definitely awakening our past traumas (still unresolved, due to lack of resources & finances ) & we are drowning in a second wave of abuse, 10 yrs & ongoing. Very challenging to stay in the 3 stages without often relapsing into default more & feeling NOT self-hate, but worse feeling abandoned by everyone around us & a feeling that we are sinking into a quagmire of mud that threatens to DROWN us once & for all. Fear reigns DAILY in our lives, no matter how much we try to let go of our thoughts & fears. Concern that we are running out of any viable options, even for basic survival!!
Chris Derven, Other, Saratoga Springs, NY, USAsays
This video presented hope to me. Self criticism hurts me. The hope can stop the hurt. I know this in my head. I can now feel it in my heart. Thank you Tara
Colleen Nichol, Another Field, Bethesda , MD, USAsays
Grief over my long years of suffering and grief over blaming others and extreme grief over spoiling my most important relationship. Despite strong efforts at self-understanding. I am having trouble not blaming myself for lack of self-discipline over the expression of anger and disappointment towards that person.
I felt great resistance when I tried the gesture of kindness practice. The voice inside me was saying that I’m not a nice person so I am unable to give myself kindness. Although I am intrinsically a kind person, I can see how my inability to be kind to myself due to such a low sense of self-worth could impact my ability to be open-hearted and kind to others, especially those close to me. ‘Resistance’ is the key word I take away from this and right now, it feels like an insurmountable hurdle.
This exercise was difficult for me. I can’t seem to let go of the belief that I’m not good enough. Self-kindness is very foreign to me. I hate myself for being controlling, anxious, and paranoid that others are judging me or out to get me…take something from me.
Thanks for the 2 powerful break-through techniques of mindfulness and self-compassion. I learnt through mindfulness I was able to observe my thoughts and feelings non judge-mentally and became fully aware of what was lying underneath
those thoughts and feelings and through self-compassion I was able to nurture my inner child. When I sent my inner child love and kindness, telling it you deserved it and that I need you, you are my greatest asset and I will not be able to do without you. it truly empowered me. It gave me comfort and strength to move on in life and face the failures which are inevitable part of life
Conflicting feelings came up, as if I didn’t deserve this gesture of care. I appreciated how Tara created space for any/all feelings. I resonated with the 3 steps and will utilize this with my clients.
I’ve found this very helpful in breaking down those steps to stop defaulting to blaming myself and being so hard on myself. and allowing space for understanding why I do this, so i can soften. Thank you Tara
I find it very difficult to send myself a message of self care. So I visualise it coming from the person I feel most loved and accepted by – and this helps.
Rachel Olson, Clergy, Richland Center, WI, USAsays
In my work as a minister in a traditional, conservative, primarily Protestant rural community, I regularly encounter people who embrace a tacit theology of the “sinful” nature of all humanity. They tacitly believe that people are “bad” by default. They perceive self judgement and non-acceptance as their religious duty. To them this is normal and it radiates out into their lives and community in ways that create suffering. Which they see and lament, but are rarely able to connect to their own unacknowledged/unexamined beliefs.
This is something I struggle with! I am a big fan of Tara’s teaching but I struggle with the concept of innate goodness within all of us. Because it directly clashes with my religious upbringing which drilled it into me that I was a sinner and contributed I think in large part to the self loathing and judgement that has plagued much of my life.
The question that arises in my mind is this is all very well if the subject has underlying capacity to be a balanced and nice person if only they can hold off the self criticism. But if they are affected by autistic deficiency of theory of mind (and often, lack of secure self concept as well) or if they have a personality disorder, for instance, I can’t see this approach will resolve anything.
As a neurodivergent person who is also a therapist, I can tell you that this practice worked for me. The words, “It’s okay, I still love you,” came, and though for a moment a part of me resisted receiving them, a moment later, I was able to let the words and the feeling of reassurance sink in.
Of course, I am just one neurodivergent person and can only speak from my own experience, as just like neurotypical people, we are not homogenous.
I placed my hand on my chest and let it be there for a while and said ” its ok”… I was taken by surprize by this overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry… sort of like when a child feels relief and starts sobbing in the arms of a caregiver.
Thank you for this three step process. I loved the way that you used the ocean as metaphor. There is a beautiful song we sang in a choir called:
” The Seal Lullaby” by Eric Whitacre:
The words: “Asleep in the arms of the slowing seas” came up for me – to be at peace
You can feel the gesture of tenderness from touch
You can feel that self care yourself
You can feel a softening and an opening to what you are experiencing
You can feel those feelings gradually leave with your own kindness to yourself supporting you to let this happen – Jill (nurse)
I’m surprised at the difficulty it was to accept the love and compassion for myself. I know I can give it more freely than accepting it. I believe it comes from the old ‘tapes’ that I believed. I intellectually know I am deserving, but there’s a deeper, more emotional part, that still challenges this. This will take some more work. Thank you.
Thank you, Tara. Bless you. It’s amazing how something one knows intellectually (self-acceptance is a good thing, is at the core of loving oneself and others) is made clear and real with a simple practice, an intentional act of self-holding. And how one needs to practice this, not just think it! It’s profound. Something teachers should be teaching kids in elementary school!
I’m more ready for my day. Thank you.
Do you give clients homework to try at home?
I am shocked by how difficult it is for me to compose a message of self-compassion. Can you recommend work on finding self-compassion ? Thank you.
I felt reassured when I told myself that ” I care about you” and “I care about your suffering”
Teresa Verketk, The Netherlands.
I would have never thought allowing to love myself and as you say having the open tenderness to myself after having been aware of observing the thoughts and accepting the waves of emotions.
However, giving love and kindness to one self is another thing. That is difficult. Thank you Tara Brach for your wise lessons, as always.
Hits home
I’m not sure I know how to offer kindness to myself. I have no words or coherent thoughts for how to do so.
I felt increased awareness of others. Instead of avoiding criticism I am able to embrace it by looking behind the judgement and seeing that deep suffering. It all began with noticing my deep suffering and adding kindness. That created space to nurture myself and listen with more acceptance of others. Practice makes perfect. Great strategies to practice.
I felt a warmth & the thought, “I didn’t mean to cause harm or be cruel. I love myself & I forgive myself.” But, I believe that I need to develop this habit because I can easily go back to blaming & disliking myself.
hands on heart… crying… challenging but helpful
Thank you. I needed this reminder. Other wise teachers have included lovingkindness, for self and then others, as part of their practice. It seems to be the common thread in achieving balance.
I find it so hard to connect to myself. It must have been turned off in my youth . I’m now wondering how to find it ?
It strikes me every time I teach mindfulness, how difficult it is for people to combine themselves. The people who come to me all have experience with psychiatry and often a lot of medication.
I have seen people grow and loosen up in their beliefs and the way they deal with themselves and others over the years.
I myself also have a history of trauma and mental problems,
this strengthens others to give themselves space to get to know other ways of thinking and above all to be kind to themselves.
I find self compassion and kindness such a difficult process to use as there seems to be so much resistance, as if I just don’t truly believe I deserve it/believe it. Ian
Thank you Dr Brach for your lovely and clear introduction.
I am aware how much I need to protect time to practice mindfulness and work on myself compassionately.
I completed the 8 weeks course in UK but the practice has gone wayside.
My struggle that I have hurt someone dear to me, has passed away and I find it difficult to forgive myself. The guilt, shame and resentment does keep me out of relationships and am aware of my ‘shutting down’. Not always and, do feel scope for transformation of my suffering.
I will continue to work on my inner judge and self-forgiveness
I practice this often and observe that sometimes there is an immediate softening, and at others, it takes staying longer until the contraction relaxes and the larger space opens up. Sometimes the painful feeling has many layers and until the kindness meets and holds them all, the pain takes up more room than the compassion. There’s no question that this becomes more and more accessible with practice and repetition! This is one of the most transformative practices I’ve met on the path and am deeply grateful to you, Tara, for making it so clear and accessible.
I have suffered so much from the trauma of my past, and self-criticism is with me every day…the feelings of not being enough. I thank you for your guidance, your wisdom and your caring. Thank you, thank you, thank you…Suzi x
relief.a wawe of tender warmth toward myself.thank you Tara.
Truly accepting one’s own goodness helps us to see the goodness and love in others.
When I place my hand in my heart I cry. The sadness I feel is more intense. However, I have days when I am more aware of the sadness I can say thank you sadness, but you can go away now. And I have days were, again, once aware, I notice, there was no sadness today. Thank you
I really appreciated this presentation. The concepts are very important for so many of my clients, and myself too. Thank you for sharing your work with all of us!
What I noticed was that my breathing slowed down and that felt good. Going a bit slower, not rushing, taking time to talk with myself — all of that seemed worthwhile and good. Then I started talking with myself more, and I reverted to exhortations to get to work on some tasks I’m doing. There’s a deadline on one of these tasks and I have to finish on time. So I found myself back in an anxiety mode of worrying. But I am glad to have seen that I don’t always have to live like that.
Suffering severe PTSD from 18 years of Domestic Violence, has left my son & I lacking trust & sense of safety from almost everyone around us. Seems the we have unwittingly attracted another predator in our lives (condo neighbour). It is definitely awakening our past traumas (still unresolved, due to lack of resources & finances ) & we are drowning in a second wave of abuse, 10 yrs & ongoing. Very challenging to stay in the 3 stages without often relapsing into default more & feeling NOT self-hate, but worse feeling abandoned by everyone around us & a feeling that we are sinking into a quagmire of mud that threatens to DROWN us once & for all. Fear reigns DAILY in our lives, no matter how much we try to let go of our thoughts & fears. Concern that we are running out of any viable options, even for basic survival!!
This video presented hope to me. Self criticism hurts me. The hope can stop the hurt. I know this in my head. I can now feel it in my heart. Thank you Tara
I found the tree steps toward self acceptance to be clear and helpful. Thank you, Tara!
Three steps not tree steps
I felt more relaxed & calmer
With the gesture of kindness I experienced feeling immediately noticably calmer. I can use this to help reduce personal anxiety. Thank you
Grief over my long years of suffering and grief over blaming others and extreme grief over spoiling my most important relationship. Despite strong efforts at self-understanding. I am having trouble not blaming myself for lack of self-discipline over the expression of anger and disappointment towards that person.
I’m not a practitioner.
I felt great resistance when I tried the gesture of kindness practice. The voice inside me was saying that I’m not a nice person so I am unable to give myself kindness. Although I am intrinsically a kind person, I can see how my inability to be kind to myself due to such a low sense of self-worth could impact my ability to be open-hearted and kind to others, especially those close to me. ‘Resistance’ is the key word I take away from this and right now, it feels like an insurmountable hurdle.
This made me realize how vulnerable I am & how much my inner child needed me to live & accept her. It made me cry. It touched my heart! Thank you
This exercise was difficult for me. I can’t seem to let go of the belief that I’m not good enough. Self-kindness is very foreign to me. I hate myself for being controlling, anxious, and paranoid that others are judging me or out to get me…take something from me.
Thanks for the 2 powerful break-through techniques of mindfulness and self-compassion. I learnt through mindfulness I was able to observe my thoughts and feelings non judge-mentally and became fully aware of what was lying underneath
those thoughts and feelings and through self-compassion I was able to nurture my inner child. When I sent my inner child love and kindness, telling it you deserved it and that I need you, you are my greatest asset and I will not be able to do without you. it truly empowered me. It gave me comfort and strength to move on in life and face the failures which are inevitable part of life
I wanted to cry. This could feel like the begonning of acceptance. Thankyou Tara for all your explanations and kindness.
Conflicting feelings came up, as if I didn’t deserve this gesture of care. I appreciated how Tara created space for any/all feelings. I resonated with the 3 steps and will utilize this with my clients.
I’ve found this very helpful in breaking down those steps to stop defaulting to blaming myself and being so hard on myself. and allowing space for understanding why I do this, so i can soften. Thank you Tara
Thank you, I feel a sense of peace and have a natural smile that just appeared.
Love you, love your work. Linda
I feel a sense of acceptance and peace, but that triggers a habitual emotional response of guilt and unworthiness for feeling that toward myself.
I find it very difficult to send myself a message of self care. So I visualise it coming from the person I feel most loved and accepted by – and this helps.
I follow Tara’s podcast and often will do this practise while walking my dog in nature, I feel supported and it opens up my compassion
I physically felt less constriction & a sense of warmth developed.
There was a sense of expansion and openness in my chest.
Years forming in my eyes
In my work as a minister in a traditional, conservative, primarily Protestant rural community, I regularly encounter people who embrace a tacit theology of the “sinful” nature of all humanity. They tacitly believe that people are “bad” by default. They perceive self judgement and non-acceptance as their religious duty. To them this is normal and it radiates out into their lives and community in ways that create suffering. Which they see and lament, but are rarely able to connect to their own unacknowledged/unexamined beliefs.
This is something I struggle with! I am a big fan of Tara’s teaching but I struggle with the concept of innate goodness within all of us. Because it directly clashes with my religious upbringing which drilled it into me that I was a sinner and contributed I think in large part to the self loathing and judgement that has plagued much of my life.
I hear you both, my expeyia very similar… These are very strong patterns to break
As I watched the video, I felt a sense of possibility, hope and compassion.
The question that arises in my mind is this is all very well if the subject has underlying capacity to be a balanced and nice person if only they can hold off the self criticism. But if they are affected by autistic deficiency of theory of mind (and often, lack of secure self concept as well) or if they have a personality disorder, for instance, I can’t see this approach will resolve anything.
That’s my concern too.
Or with any neurodivergent condition, or cptsd.
As a neurodivergent person who is also a therapist, I can tell you that this practice worked for me. The words, “It’s okay, I still love you,” came, and though for a moment a part of me resisted receiving them, a moment later, I was able to let the words and the feeling of reassurance sink in.
Of course, I am just one neurodivergent person and can only speak from my own experience, as just like neurotypical people, we are not homogenous.
I placed my hand on my chest and let it be there for a while and said ” its ok”… I was taken by surprize by this overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry… sort of like when a child feels relief and starts sobbing in the arms of a caregiver.
Thank you for this three step process. I loved the way that you used the ocean as metaphor. There is a beautiful song we sang in a choir called:
” The Seal Lullaby” by Eric Whitacre:
The words: “Asleep in the arms of the slowing seas” came up for me – to be at peace
You can feel the gesture of tenderness from touch
You can feel that self care yourself
You can feel a softening and an opening to what you are experiencing
You can feel those feelings gradually leave with your own kindness to yourself supporting you to let this happen – Jill (nurse)
release and relaxation