It affects their relationship because they feel in secure and lack confidence within themselves. Sometimes they assume that others see them as they see themselves. It puts a barrier between them and the other person because they are always judging and second guessing themselves. It’s hard to feel like the other person could be trusted even if there is no evidence. It’s an internal struggle that needs to be addressed internally.
If I do t stay busy, doing for others and earning my place in this world, I won’t be loved. If I don’t stop the doing, then I do t have to face myself, open to vulnerability and look at my imperfections. How can anyone love me without perfectionism? How can anyone love me just as I am? How can I just love me simply for me? If I stop, I would have to open to find out the answers.
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I’m basically giving a “go ahead” for my partner to do the same. The cost is it becomes a relationship where some things are acceptable while other unacceptable. If I’m not able to share with my closest person that which I don’t like about myself then the odds of actually letting it out of the closet with anyone are low. And stuff kept hidden and in the dark can become a ghost that haunt us.
When I hide, I can keep the illusion that I’m good enough for his love. I don’t need to face that there are some things about me he doesn’t like, he criticises, he wants me to change, he may yell at me for. That is so disturbing that I can’t face it. It feels too threatening. I’m not sure I can keep my self-esteem. I don’t trust there is more to love than to criticise. When I hide, we can pretend we love each other as we are. But I feel insecure, I stop trusting him, I loose myself, and I fear and resent him.
Tara has been such a pivotal part of my personal growth, and therfore the growth of my relationships.
This talk really resonates with me as I become more aware that when I am triggered by an action or words by my partner, it’s a sign that there is something I don’t like/haven’t accepted or acknowledged about myself which I’d being reflected to me. As hard as some of these moments can be, I try to honour it as an opportunity to look at myself and ask “what’s being shown to me?”, “where/what is the area I have the opportunity to explore and grow?”
It leaves a void that is hard to close and if unable to get help you carry it wherever you are! If successful you find a very caring person beside you!
It definitely does not enhance the relationships, I have found that it can manifest into unacceptable behaviour or over compensatory behaviours. Neither creating a healthy balanced relationship with a partner.
We live in Ontario Canada and are in need of a compassionate skilled therapist. Our needs are complex ( adult family and adult individual). Can you recommend someone please. We have had difficulty finding anyone near Toronto.
I think it’s difficult for anyone to say “what they don’t like about themselves”. Those words are already harsh and judgemental which causes us to feel worse about ourselves. I feel I’m always learning about myself and how to improve in some way. We are imperfect as humans and just sharing that reality with your partner can allow you to be more vulnerable.
Nothing is black and white in life, it’s all murky and we get by each day as well as we can.
Be well everyone.
I found all of these sessions interesting and helpful but had a difficult time trying to listen to Tara with the music sound track playing in the background. I really don’t think the music adds to the message–it just distracts.
Reflecting on the words from Tara made me realize the source of my own anger is a feeling of lack of vulnerability on my partners side, making me feel I am not worth to be vulnerable with. Raising a question to myself, to what extend am I co-depending on my partner’s ability to feel being enough, not feeling neglected.
I’m angry about reality vs expectations (social/personal/cultural) and feel like i have to hide that, as anger doesn’t seem like a good strategy. My need for me time which is more than my partners need and mostly absent from my life at the moment is not something I bring up remotely as often as I feel it.
It affects their relationship because they feel in secure and lack confidence within themselves. Sometimes they assume that others see them as they see themselves. It puts a barrier between them and the other person because they are always judging and second guessing themselves. It’s hard to feel like the other person could be trusted even if there is no evidence. It’s an internal struggle that needs to be addressed internally.
I found these succinct videos very helpful, applicable to many kinds of situations.
So true, we have to get to the “root” or “core” of what we are honestly feeling.
If I’ll not ok then it
impacts on how I perceive eg as a threat
If I do t stay busy, doing for others and earning my place in this world, I won’t be loved. If I don’t stop the doing, then I do t have to face myself, open to vulnerability and look at my imperfections. How can anyone love me without perfectionism? How can anyone love me just as I am? How can I just love me simply for me? If I stop, I would have to open to find out the answers.
Excellent simple questions to pose to clients and self for reflection and discussion
When I hide what I don’t like about myself I’m basically giving a “go ahead” for my partner to do the same. The cost is it becomes a relationship where some things are acceptable while other unacceptable. If I’m not able to share with my closest person that which I don’t like about myself then the odds of actually letting it out of the closet with anyone are low. And stuff kept hidden and in the dark can become a ghost that haunt us.
Excellent video. You all are sharing such thought provoking material.
Tavis C
They do not trust their partner or they feel like they are a let down. This leads to being closed off and feeling lonely.
When I hide, I can keep the illusion that I’m good enough for his love. I don’t need to face that there are some things about me he doesn’t like, he criticises, he wants me to change, he may yell at me for. That is so disturbing that I can’t face it. It feels too threatening. I’m not sure I can keep my self-esteem. I don’t trust there is more to love than to criticise. When I hide, we can pretend we love each other as we are. But I feel insecure, I stop trusting him, I loose myself, and I fear and resent him.
All very true and helpful points Tara. Thank you for them🙏🙂
Tara has been such a pivotal part of my personal growth, and therfore the growth of my relationships.
This talk really resonates with me as I become more aware that when I am triggered by an action or words by my partner, it’s a sign that there is something I don’t like/haven’t accepted or acknowledged about myself which I’d being reflected to me. As hard as some of these moments can be, I try to honour it as an opportunity to look at myself and ask “what’s being shown to me?”, “where/what is the area I have the opportunity to explore and grow?”
Namaste Tara
They don’t know you. You keep withdrawn from them so can not help them either. You don’t trust them. Strange action behaviour really
It leaves a void that is hard to close and if unable to get help you carry it wherever you are! If successful you find a very caring person beside you!
It definitely does not enhance the relationships, I have found that it can manifest into unacceptable behaviour or over compensatory behaviours. Neither creating a healthy balanced relationship with a partner.
We live in Ontario Canada and are in need of a compassionate skilled therapist. Our needs are complex ( adult family and adult individual). Can you recommend someone please. We have had difficulty finding anyone near Toronto.
I think it’s difficult for anyone to say “what they don’t like about themselves”. Those words are already harsh and judgemental which causes us to feel worse about ourselves. I feel I’m always learning about myself and how to improve in some way. We are imperfect as humans and just sharing that reality with your partner can allow you to be more vulnerable.
Nothing is black and white in life, it’s all murky and we get by each day as well as we can.
Be well everyone.
I found all of these sessions interesting and helpful but had a difficult time trying to listen to Tara with the music sound track playing in the background. I really don’t think the music adds to the message–it just distracts.
Reflecting on the words from Tara made me realize the source of my own anger is a feeling of lack of vulnerability on my partners side, making me feel I am not worth to be vulnerable with. Raising a question to myself, to what extend am I co-depending on my partner’s ability to feel being enough, not feeling neglected.
I’m angry about reality vs expectations (social/personal/cultural) and feel like i have to hide that, as anger doesn’t seem like a good strategy. My need for me time which is more than my partners need and mostly absent from my life at the moment is not something I bring up remotely as often as I feel it.