I can’t be myself. I feel isolated even when I am in company. I get frustrated which leads to feelings of anger. I close off from communication. I want to be alone, even though I feel lonely.
This one notices that during the times he gets hooked by the self critical voice inside he is unable to to see and hear his partner clearly. He is unable to listen completely and with compassion. He tends to be defensive and angry. Mindfulness practice helps him to acknowledge, allow, and accommodate the critic inside with self compassion and without judgment. Letting it move on through instead of getting hooked. This opens up space to truly be present with others. The cool thing is that it’s a skill, a practice, and one does get better at it with time
Barbara Prinzi, Other, Bloomfield Hills, MI, USAsays
Everything you said resonated with me, especially at my age, 83. I no longer feel what I have to say is important and valued by my family. My friends love my company and call me an inspiration. I truly want my family to feel the same way!
The hidden parts may well act as a block to communication – and may lead to a lack of trust between the pair. Or the one partner may begin to doubt that the other still has loving feelings for him/her.
inspiring and pure.
Deeper wounds and transgenerational pain are often at the bottom of our selfjudgement (as a copingmechanism)
recognition and self -acceptance, i believe, our the first steps out of self love on our way to heal and remembering our belonging.
I feel shame, inferior, ignorant of stupid. Even angry that I can’t be my true self or my negative thoughts and feelings. Fear that I will be too much for them. That they will reject me and think there’s something wrong with me, that I’m a total downer. Then I judge them and I end up feeling more alone, disconnected. I’m so afraid to speak my mind because I think others are so much more intelligent and know more than I do. I’m left with a deep longing to be heard, accepted, loved and connected. I’m terrified I’m going to be deeply hurt again and think I couldn’t survive any more pain of heartbreak. That I would end my life.
Lucia Antonelli, Another Field, Petaluma, CA, USAsays
I have been very needy and insecure all my life. I am 74. I also felt a very strong connection to my spirit since I was a young child manifested through my art. I am wise, yet I am very human.I am an empath and have ADHD, and have many unhealthy coping strategies to help alleviate the pain of deep feelings of unworthiness and shame. My relationship with my daughter is my biggest teacher and my greatest pain. I want her to find herself and change so I won’t hurt so much…a futile endeavor.
Elizabeth Clewett, Another Field, Eugene, OR, USAsays
I feel exactly as you do in every way. Frustrating and sad for my daughter, who struggles herself to feel whole and happy. She is enacting the same life story as the one I carry. which makes me even more sad. It is about SHAME, but not in the Brene Brown sense. This shame is the product of very early right-brain misattunement with my first primary caregiver, exacerbated by adoption to a cruel, abusive “mother.” I long for real, positive relationships with others, but must accept I am unworthy. I wish you healing and happiness.
When I present a partial self or even a fake self to others, I know that they don’t really like or love the real me. How could they? I’ve never allowed them to know the true me. It’s very scary to be that vulnerable, especially with those I care the most about.
Due to a very insecure childhood (the not very benevolent dictatorship of my father) with little or no affection from either parent, I have suffered from low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy all my life. I am fairly intelligent, but still feel stupid sometimes around others who are also very intelligent. As a result, I am leery of expressing my feelings for fear of looking stupid. I love my wife of 33 years dearly, but she is on another level of intelligence altogether.
Carol Wright, Another Field, Port Orchard, WA, USAsays
It feels like I’m not being honest and upfront with people . I feel like a fake. I”m not sure what they don’t like about me, but I’m talking about what I don’t like about myself and what I want to hide, like poor financial status.
my relations is fake, I have to be kind and listening to the others helping them, I’m then a “good girl”. Although I am sharing on the surface about myself I’m not sharing what is really going on, my self judgment, I am not a good girl at all, I haven’t done anything for the others, I’m selfish and I’m not lovable.
AS I feel some effects of aging, I want to hide them from those I love, because I do not want them to worry, because I am embarrassed to not be my younger self. In the end I feel disconnected and alone.
Vicki Decline, Another Field, Berkeley, CA, USAsays
A twist on this topic to address? My best friend of 30+’years really knew everything about me and liked me anyway. My fear was always that if others really knew me they would reject me. Out of the blue she said she did not want to be friends anymore. ( I was not meeting her needs). So my worst fear came true. She knew me totally and found me lacking. She has since apologized saying her expectations were unrealistic. But I remain cautious about intimacy with her and others as it is simply more comfortable to self-protect. The risk of self disclosures does not seem to garner rewards.
It affects their communication. They don’t have the confidence to be assertive enough with their requests, so the other may not even realize it’s a request. They may have trouble expressing their emotions, for fear of having it all wrong, or being too emotional, too anything. The comment in your example that rang true for me was, “I’m afraid I’m just not interesting enough”.
Hiding keeps a sense of separation ongoing.
Opening the heart to being truthful bridges the gap. I am taking the direction of closing the gap between us.
Vulnerability helps grow. I have found healing in saying out loud what I am ashamed of to somebody that has earn the right/trust for me to be vulnerable. Saying it out loud makes me see the feelings when they are happening. I can be mindful and observe what I am feeling. Thank you for this beautiful message.
Kathleen Eldredge, Another Field, BRIDGEHAMPTON, NY, USAsays
I’ve been with a man who says he is very content with himself and who he is. He thinks I should be as confident as he it, but I’m not. I keep trying to change, to be better, but he doesn’t. He’s satisfied with who he is. Is there hope for us?
Ive loved and been truly loved twice in my life, since then i push people away, and am too judgemental of others, and myself, so its easier to be alone, although this isnt what i truly want.
I assume that the thing I judge about myself, they also judge…and more harshly.
Depending on the relationship and the situation I will either withdraw or I will lash out in anger…either way I will reject them before they have the chance to reject me.
Not being ‘good enough’ or not acceptable. In trying to make myself acceptable I was a workalcoholic hoping that if I were more successful in my profession I would be more acceptable. I recognise that perhaps most of this comes from childhood trauma, my parents required that I, and my siblings, were perceived by the outside world as academically ‘successful’ children or at least high scoring, if not we were unapproved of and affection was withdrawn.
I have so much shame about the wounded child that leaks out at times. I have aversion to her and keep that part of myself hidden, but I know it’s there. In my most meaningful and authentic relationships I talk about her, the wounded me, about all my parts.
This gift is timely. I work with a wonderful therapist and am beginning to see how much the trauma I have experienced (which began in my early years) effects how I relate in close relationships. I am beginning to see how wounded I can feel when there is a disconnection and it triggers old feelings of unlovable or lack in me. I am learning to find my voice and am unfolding to the feelings of anger and fear I feel within. My response is to withdraw and find a safe space for myself.
It is also helping me to discern when my stuff is at play and when it is not and when I can see my partner is also acting in ways that are from an emotionally distant place. My practice is helping me find compassion for his suffering though this can be really hard work and I need the space to come home to myself so I can see that, as I can feel consumed by my own feelings. Much gratitude for this offering. It helps me to know I am not alone. x
I feel it keeps me safe and in control when I put on a knowing, tough face. It is my way of hiding. Also keeping busy and not slowing down to be present and hear others
I want to not upset anything and keep things peaceful. Be good and follow the rules.
I feel it keeps me safe and in control when I put on a knowing, tough face. It is my way of hiding. Also keeping busy and not slowing down to be present and hear others
I want to not upset anything and keep things peaceful. Be good and follow the rules.
Needing all of the attention..comes from my self-judgment of not being valued it keeps me from showing up real in that I am a lovable caring and sensitive person. From reaction to response with loving-kindness — Mingo
I feel that I can only truly relax when alone. The only person I felt I could truly relax with was my husband and since he passed away, I have isolated more in many ways.
I grew up with low nurturing parental guidance I struggle most of my adult life to express my real feelings It has been a blessing to listen to Tara Brach powerful teachings late in my retirement years
It strains the relationship as a mask is constantly having to be worn.
Energy is used to maintain a type of facade instead of putting that energy into the Love of the relationship.
Hiding the parts I don’t like takes away the other person’s ability to accept those things and be supportive. With the acceptance builds trust. Trust lets the relationship grow. I hide because of fear that my challenging parts won’t be accepted. And that hurts.
Your offering came at a very difficult moment in my relationship with my self as I do therapy w my daughters. Although we’re not sitting together at Spirit Rock, your presence is a balm. So glad to reconnect with this work
I don’t want to risk rejection. I don’t want to be denied love, belonging or acceptance so I have to hide my true feelings, wishes, desires and thoughts. I can’t be myself and because I can’t be myself in relationship I feel very lonely.
I notice that they get uncomfortable and, in a sense, aggressive in trying to hide what they don’t like about themselves.
Your video was very illuminating showing that behind the difficult in relationships is a deep insecurity of the one that is hiding what he/she does not like about themselves. Thank you.
It will be very good to see the next videos on how to help the clients.
I can’t be myself. I feel isolated even when I am in company. I get frustrated which leads to feelings of anger. I close off from communication. I want to be alone, even though I feel lonely.
This one notices that during the times he gets hooked by the self critical voice inside he is unable to to see and hear his partner clearly. He is unable to listen completely and with compassion. He tends to be defensive and angry. Mindfulness practice helps him to acknowledge, allow, and accommodate the critic inside with self compassion and without judgment. Letting it move on through instead of getting hooked. This opens up space to truly be present with others. The cool thing is that it’s a skill, a practice, and one does get better at it with time
I listen to Tara Brach on you tube a great deal and am always inspired
Thank you Tara! This is real help right now.
Everything you said resonated with me, especially at my age, 83. I no longer feel what I have to say is important and valued by my family. My friends love my company and call me an inspiration. I truly want my family to feel the same way!
The hidden parts may well act as a block to communication – and may lead to a lack of trust between the pair. Or the one partner may begin to doubt that the other still has loving feelings for him/her.
inspiring and pure.
Deeper wounds and transgenerational pain are often at the bottom of our selfjudgement (as a copingmechanism)
recognition and self -acceptance, i believe, our the first steps out of self love on our way to heal and remembering our belonging.
I feel shame, inferior, ignorant of stupid. Even angry that I can’t be my true self or my negative thoughts and feelings. Fear that I will be too much for them. That they will reject me and think there’s something wrong with me, that I’m a total downer. Then I judge them and I end up feeling more alone, disconnected. I’m so afraid to speak my mind because I think others are so much more intelligent and know more than I do. I’m left with a deep longing to be heard, accepted, loved and connected. I’m terrified I’m going to be deeply hurt again and think I couldn’t survive any more pain of heartbreak. That I would end my life.
I have been very needy and insecure all my life. I am 74. I also felt a very strong connection to my spirit since I was a young child manifested through my art. I am wise, yet I am very human.I am an empath and have ADHD, and have many unhealthy coping strategies to help alleviate the pain of deep feelings of unworthiness and shame. My relationship with my daughter is my biggest teacher and my greatest pain. I want her to find herself and change so I won’t hurt so much…a futile endeavor.
I feel exactly as you do in every way. Frustrating and sad for my daughter, who struggles herself to feel whole and happy. She is enacting the same life story as the one I carry. which makes me even more sad. It is about SHAME, but not in the Brene Brown sense. This shame is the product of very early right-brain misattunement with my first primary caregiver, exacerbated by adoption to a cruel, abusive “mother.” I long for real, positive relationships with others, but must accept I am unworthy. I wish you healing and happiness.
When I present a partial self or even a fake self to others, I know that they don’t really like or love the real me. How could they? I’ve never allowed them to know the true me. It’s very scary to be that vulnerable, especially with those I care the most about.
Due to a very insecure childhood (the not very benevolent dictatorship of my father) with little or no affection from either parent, I have suffered from low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy all my life. I am fairly intelligent, but still feel stupid sometimes around others who are also very intelligent. As a result, I am leery of expressing my feelings for fear of looking stupid. I love my wife of 33 years dearly, but she is on another level of intelligence altogether.
Thank you for ‘listening.’ Bruce Hallock
Profession: Retired computer analyst
Insecurity leads to feelings of isolation in my relationships.
I move away from people I’d like to be closer to.
It feels like I’m not being honest and upfront with people . I feel like a fake. I”m not sure what they don’t like about me, but I’m talking about what I don’t like about myself and what I want to hide, like poor financial status.
my relations is fake, I have to be kind and listening to the others helping them, I’m then a “good girl”. Although I am sharing on the surface about myself I’m not sharing what is really going on, my self judgment, I am not a good girl at all, I haven’t done anything for the others, I’m selfish and I’m not lovable.
AS I feel some effects of aging, I want to hide them from those I love, because I do not want them to worry, because I am embarrassed to not be my younger self. In the end I feel disconnected and alone.
A twist on this topic to address? My best friend of 30+’years really knew everything about me and liked me anyway. My fear was always that if others really knew me they would reject me. Out of the blue she said she did not want to be friends anymore. ( I was not meeting her needs). So my worst fear came true. She knew me totally and found me lacking. She has since apologized saying her expectations were unrealistic. But I remain cautious about intimacy with her and others as it is simply more comfortable to self-protect. The risk of self disclosures does not seem to garner rewards.
It affects their communication. They don’t have the confidence to be assertive enough with their requests, so the other may not even realize it’s a request. They may have trouble expressing their emotions, for fear of having it all wrong, or being too emotional, too anything. The comment in your example that rang true for me was, “I’m afraid I’m just not interesting enough”.
Hello there,pressure to conceal, feel rejected and “shamed”only have minimal contact.(familyi.e.sisters)
I am reliant on the attention and validation of others and this makes me dependent and needy.
I don’t understand my fear of intimacy or what it is about myself that I am protecting…. that’s what I hope to figure out
Hiding keeps a sense of separation ongoing.
Opening the heart to being truthful bridges the gap. I am taking the direction of closing the gap between us.
I withdraw and don’t allow myself to be open to affection, positive affirmations, or joy.
Feeling not good enough, physically, in looks, emotionally, intellectually. When doing well happens, it’s because of some fluke…
Being funny and social while my most fundamental feeling is loneliness
Vulnerability helps grow. I have found healing in saying out loud what I am ashamed of to somebody that has earn the right/trust for me to be vulnerable. Saying it out loud makes me see the feelings when they are happening. I can be mindful and observe what I am feeling. Thank you for this beautiful message.
I’ve been with a man who says he is very content with himself and who he is. He thinks I should be as confident as he it, but I’m not. I keep trying to change, to be better, but he doesn’t. He’s satisfied with who he is. Is there hope for us?
Fear to show my fear and weakness
It makes me feel isolated-like no one really knows me.
Ive loved and been truly loved twice in my life, since then i push people away, and am too judgemental of others, and myself, so its easier to be alone, although this isnt what i truly want.
I distance myself
I assume that the thing I judge about myself, they also judge…and more harshly.
Depending on the relationship and the situation I will either withdraw or I will lash out in anger…either way I will reject them before they have the chance to reject me.
Not being ‘good enough’ or not acceptable. In trying to make myself acceptable I was a workalcoholic hoping that if I were more successful in my profession I would be more acceptable. I recognise that perhaps most of this comes from childhood trauma, my parents required that I, and my siblings, were perceived by the outside world as academically ‘successful’ children or at least high scoring, if not we were unapproved of and affection was withdrawn.
I have so much shame about the wounded child that leaks out at times. I have aversion to her and keep that part of myself hidden, but I know it’s there. In my most meaningful and authentic relationships I talk about her, the wounded me, about all my parts.
This gift is timely. I work with a wonderful therapist and am beginning to see how much the trauma I have experienced (which began in my early years) effects how I relate in close relationships. I am beginning to see how wounded I can feel when there is a disconnection and it triggers old feelings of unlovable or lack in me. I am learning to find my voice and am unfolding to the feelings of anger and fear I feel within. My response is to withdraw and find a safe space for myself.
It is also helping me to discern when my stuff is at play and when it is not and when I can see my partner is also acting in ways that are from an emotionally distant place. My practice is helping me find compassion for his suffering though this can be really hard work and I need the space to come home to myself so I can see that, as I can feel consumed by my own feelings. Much gratitude for this offering. It helps me to know I am not alone. x
Uncertainty, a groundless feeling
I feel it keeps me safe and in control when I put on a knowing, tough face. It is my way of hiding. Also keeping busy and not slowing down to be present and hear others
I want to not upset anything and keep things peaceful. Be good and follow the rules.
I feel it keeps me safe and in control when I put on a knowing, tough face. It is my way of hiding. Also keeping busy and not slowing down to be present and hear others
I want to not upset anything and keep things peaceful. Be good and follow the rules.
Uncertainty, feeling not good enough
Needing all of the attention..comes from my self-judgment of not being valued it keeps me from showing up real in that I am a lovable caring and sensitive person. From reaction to response with loving-kindness — Mingo
I feel that I can only truly relax when alone. The only person I felt I could truly relax with was my husband and since he passed away, I have isolated more in many ways.
I grew up with low nurturing parental guidance I struggle most of my adult life to express my real feelings It has been a blessing to listen to Tara Brach powerful teachings late in my retirement years
I’m afraid people will see me as being too needy and they will distance themselves from me.
I worry my husband is always judging me.
It strains the relationship as a mask is constantly having to be worn.
Energy is used to maintain a type of facade instead of putting that energy into the Love of the relationship.
Hiding the parts I don’t like takes away the other person’s ability to accept those things and be supportive. With the acceptance builds trust. Trust lets the relationship grow. I hide because of fear that my challenging parts won’t be accepted. And that hurts.
Your offering came at a very difficult moment in my relationship with my self as I do therapy w my daughters. Although we’re not sitting together at Spirit Rock, your presence is a balm. So glad to reconnect with this work
I isolate myself and make others think that I’m not interested in that relationship.
I don’t want to risk rejection. I don’t want to be denied love, belonging or acceptance so I have to hide my true feelings, wishes, desires and thoughts. I can’t be myself and because I can’t be myself in relationship I feel very lonely.
I notice that they get uncomfortable and, in a sense, aggressive in trying to hide what they don’t like about themselves.
Your video was very illuminating showing that behind the difficult in relationships is a deep insecurity of the one that is hiding what he/she does not like about themselves. Thank you.
It will be very good to see the next videos on how to help the clients.